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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 3:43 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
5)Being someone I can be proud of
12)Getting in touch with my emotions
41)Being absolutely honest to myself and others, learn about my dishonesty and how to change it
85)Getting outside, go on walks, run or do outside sports
90)Strenghtening the relationships I cherish
81)Getting fit
65)Being responsible, Getting the job done, remembering my obligations, work, chores, paying bills
74)Building a healthy sexuality
69)Finishing colledge
70)Expand my knowledge in software development, game development and 3d modeling
2)Making my own value based descisions
64)Work, doing what I set myself to do and with quality
72)Making a video game, or another software project of my own
32)Loosing fear, Doing what makes me scared
33)Tearing down walls, learning about myself and how to open up
88)Getting closer to friends

Taking control, not just going with the flow
Not letting others influence my descisions
Not taking the easy way out
Being healhty
Not destroying myself
Not seeking shortcuts
Not doing hard drugs
Not taking advantage of others
Not taking others for granted
46)Respecting others
78)Connecting love and sexuality
35)Not fearing the future
79)Loving myself
10)Making amends
57)Learing of love
1)Freedom
95)Being productive
7)Judging myself by my actions
96)Waking up early
25)Opening up
11)Feeling emotions
50)Thinking of others
6)Making descisions I am not afraid or ashamed to share
56)Love
3)Not submiting to others to make descisions
16)Recognizing emotions in myself
33)Tearing down walls
42)Not keeping secrects
80)No objectifiying others
31)Courage
51)Thinking of consequences of my descisions on others
47)No lying or excuses for myself
8)Showing myself. Not hiding behind shame.
21)Sharing emotions
18)Getting in touch with my suppresed emotions
9)Working on myself, my problems, therapy
38)Being in control of my life, knowing what I want and making shure I get it done
4)Self respect
13)Feeling and not suppressing emotions
14)Learning about emotions
27)Sharing my problems, faults
77)Developing healthy sexual values
15)Learning about how I feel the emotions
71)Learning
17)Recognizing emotions in others
20)Not being afraid of my emotions
44)No half troughts
53)Keeping my word. To others and to self
34)Seeking contact and intimacy
23)Letting others know how I feel
22)Showing emotions
86)Friendship
84)Doing fun sports
82)Eating healthy
24)Letting others know how I percive their emotions
30)Showing myself
83)Not getting fat
67)Letting others make their own descisions
26)Speaking my mind
28)Sharing my past
54)Finding good in others
36)Not fearing myself
37)Not fearing others
39)Understanding my emotions
40)Making descisions on what is right, not on what the consequences for me might be.
43)No ommisions
45)Preparing when I have something to share
48)Better jusdge of character
49)Giving respect
52)Helping others
29)Sharing my likes and dislikes
55)Rasing self esteem of others
58)Expressing love
59)Showing my love to the pepole I love
60)Sharing good things I find about pepole.
61)Enjoying company
62)Not judging loved ones
63)Accepting others
68)Quality
19)Resolving suppresed emotions
75)Understanding my sexuality
76)Learning about healthy sexuality
87)Recognizing friends
91)Getting to know my family
92)Strenghtening relationship with my family
89)Getting rid of the pepole that might just use me
97)Working on troubles.
72)Making a video game
94)Sharing my sexuality
73)Learning practical skills, like carpentry, leatherwork..


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 2:20 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Getting fit
-Work out every day
-Do not eat too much carbs and fatty foods
-Realize when you are under stress and work out insted of resolving to junk food
-Realize that there are going to be times when you will not manage to work out
-Realize that you will be pressured into eating unhealthy, like with your parents
-Express your desire to eat healthy and be active to the pepole around you
-Make a plan for your work out routine
-Eat regulary during the day
-Eat many small meals
-Eat calmly and chew your food
-Do cardio workouts
-Relalize that there are going to be times when you will not feel like working out, try to push trough
-Love your body
-Motivate yourself
-Drink plenty of water
-wake up early
-Don't eat late at night
-Go to bed at a reasonable time
-Try to be active, don't sit all day long


Finishing coledge
-Find time between work and recovery
-Do the interviews
-Go trough what you've written and check spelling and style
-Remind yourself you want to finish and get it over with
-Go trough your interview plan
-Get the pepole together for the interviews
-Don't tell yourself you don't have the time

Getting outside, go on walks, run or do outside sports
-Go for a run or a bicycle ride insted of working out inside
-Take the dog for a walk
-Go on a hike to a hill
-Go ride your bike
-Get together with friends to do sports
-Go skateboarding
-If working for a long time go for a walk to clear your head
-Relax
-Enjoy the nature
-don't look for excuses to stay inside

Making a video game, or another software project of my own
-Finish colledge first
-When bored, don't just watch tv or play video games, think of ideas
-Validate each idea
-Stick with something very simple
-Do it if it is feasable
-Make a plan for making it
-Research competition
-Realise that all ideas might not be great
-Realise that there might be lack of ideas
-Realise that there might be limited time
-Do not put prioritize over recovery, work or colledge


Getting closer to friends
-Find actvities that you could bond over
-Think who your real friends are
-Think you you want for a friend
-Talk about important things
-Realise that friends might not always have time
-Realise that you might not always have time for them
-Be yourself with everybody, don't let them skew your values or influence your descisions


Making my own value based descisions
-Find my own values
-Recognize when it is a time to make a descision
-Realise that you are making a descision
-Think about the values that go into that descision
-Think about who else will be affected by your descision
-Think about who might have positive or negative consequnces of your descision
-Think about who might want to pressure you into making a specific descision
-Think if somebody is pressuring you into a descision
-Think if you want to appease someone and who with it
-Make the descision on what is good for you and the ones you love

Loosing fear, Doing what makes me scared
-Recognizing when I feel fear
-Try to understand what it is that frightens you
-See what you might gain if you overcome the fear
-See what you might loose and understand the fear better.
-Remeber the feeling of doing something scary and triumphing


Work, doing what I set myself to do and with quality
-Put effort into whatever I am doing
-Stop looking for excuses, for not doing something or doing it poorly
-My biggest problem was always loosing focus and lack of motivation
-I need to get some sort of grasp on planing things, I always had some sort of dislike of planing, thinking I am better than it
-Get a grasp on planing things, learn it, make plans, get an app for it, something
-Make shure you follow the plana dn finish it
-Make a realist plan, realise that it won't always go according to it
-Break the plan down
-Realise you need it
-Don't get discouradged if it doesn't happen like you pictured it
-Change the plan if necessary
-Make shure you do the best that you can
-Put these values and recovery into a planing app




Building a healthy sexuality
-First I need to learn about my existing sexuality/addiction
-Come to terms with the life I've led and be focused on changing it
-Learn about healthy sexuality, I know there are books and articles
-I had no grasp on what healthy sexuality was ever, in all my acting out I thought I was more or less "normal", so I never knew what healthy was, I think I still don't understand
-Set up healthy sexual values and boundaries
-Being sexual in a way I can be proud of, share without shame
-I realize I will probably still struggle with unhealthy sexual thoughts or. some remnants from my addiction
-commiting myself to abstinence until I get a grasp
-be honest about my sexuality
-I am struggling with the thought if I even deserve any kind of sexuality



Expand my knowledge in software development, game development and 3d modeling
-Feel like it's going to be hard to fine the time, with all the other stuff in my life right now, but it really is an area in my life I want to pursue, so at least in the near future I am going to try to better myself at it
-Take courses, like online lessons
-I am going to think about formal education in the area, I can't commit myself right now, but I would like the recognition that formal education provides
-I think I learn the quickest by just doing a project or something
-I remembered I have a bunch of lessons in my hard drive, would like to finish them at some point, but right now there just seems to not be any tim
-I know what I want, model, texture and animate a 3d model in blender, control in in Unity3d, simple plan
-For a project I would need to get some help, but first I should get familiar with the tools more.


Getting in touch with my emotions
-Allow yourself to feel, even if the emotions you are expiriencing are unpleasant
-Recognize how you ecpirience a certain emotion
-Do not be afraid of your emotions
-Try to understand how you avoided emotions in the past
-Realize that it might feel unpleasant at times
-Share your emotions and what you are feeling with others if possible
-Try to understand that your emotions might not be approved by others
-Try to understand why you feel a certain emotion
-Do not try to ignore emotions


Being absolutely honest to myself and others, learn about my dishonesty and how to change it
-Think about what you might gain from being dishones
-Think of waht you might gain from being honest
-Think about how your honesty and dishonesty might affect others
-Try to understand your thought processes in honesty and dishonest
-Think about where your dishonesty has gotten you
-When making a descision ask yourself if you are prepared to be totaly honest about it
-When sharing maku shure you share everything
-If you are realize that you were dishonest go back and fix it
-If something is hountig you, you know that it is something you need to share
-Find situations where you can actively share
-Think about who are you being honest for
-Think about who do you want to decive


Strenghtening the relationships I cherish
-Recognize the relationships I want to cherish
-Recognize how I've hurt the relationships I cherished in the past
-Find a way to amend the damage you've done
-Realize that it may not be possible to fix the damage you've done
-Think of how my descisions will affect the relationships
-Recognize what I can do that will improve the relationship
-Be totaly honest in the relationship
-Realize that it's not just up to you to make the realtionship work and that the realationship might fail
-Find meaningfull oppurtunities to connect and enoy company


Last edited by onTheRoad on Sat Oct 20, 2012 9:08 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 4:02 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Lesson 10

Items: At this time I can only think of my mind the images I can't get out.

People:
-Every person in the porn I've watched
-Every girl I've beasicaly been with, I've used for sex in some way
-S: she's been with me trough some very hard times and I've used her in so many ways. At first I was using her for sex. I didn't commit to a relationship with her, constantly looking for faults in her, thinking of every other woman as being better than herm, fantasizing about them, at the same time I wanted to get more and more form her sexualy, never devoting emotions to her. After she found out about my problems, she continued to stay with me, I was still lying to her, keeping secrets, having sex with her and fantisizing about other things. As she struggled to build some sort of sexuality for her I failed to put effort to making it work and being honest, blaming her for the troubles.
V:Former girlfriend, took advantage of her multiple times when she was asleep
Z:Obsessed and fantasized about her

Places:
-Home room: porn, masturbation, sex with various girls
-Colledge room: porn, masturbation, sex with various girls, took advantage of V
-Vacation houses: masturbation, sex with various girls, took advantage of V
-Car: porn, masturbation, sex
-Woods:masturbation, when I was a child
-Gradparents farm:masturbation, when I was a child
-Varius bars: looked for girls, just wanted to get sex
-Internet:porn
-Uncles room:porn when I was younger


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:46 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Lesson 15


Sexually addictive behavour was inttrouduced very early into my life. Probably at the age of 7 or 8 I was exposed to porn in my family. I found something that my dad had and there was a lot at my uncles that lived close by. Come to think about it, it wasnt really the begging, I think it had a lot to do with my parents constantly arguing and not really giving me atention. Very early I got a friend a girl in my neigbourhood, at about two. I remember we were kissing a lot and I think I got some wrong sexual messages from her, I dont' even remember, but I know their family is strange as they have a lot of suicides. I've probably escaped my family and hang out with her. I think we werer discovering our bodies and such. At some point I think I got somehow rejected by her. I focused my attention to some boy neighbours, where we were experimenting sexualy together, watchig porn, touching ourselves and each others. I really think I've abused them then. I don't know I think I was dissapointed by my parents a lot of times and I felt like there was really no one who troughly cared about me. Mastrubation and sexuall exploration became an escape for me. A place that I was safe. I could be alone and there and I could enoy myself, didn't have to rely on anybody. But I think I started to explot others, especially the neighbours at that time, where I was trying to get something from them. Of course everything went really for the worst when I was exposed to porn. I alway found a lot of stuff at my uncles, he was living close with my grandma and I would break into his room and look for porn. He had some sick stuff too. So I know that exposure has really given me a lot of wrong sexual messages and really skewed my perception of sexuality. My idea of porn and sexuality was something to please and confort myself and I didn't really care or think about others. The porn seemed like it was all for me, that others, the actors didn't matter, there was noone who would hurt me. But it became me who was hurting others. it went especially for the worst when I got access to the internet. At the age of 13, unrestricted and in my room, my parents didn't know what it was about back then. I soon found tons of porn and I would watch it all the time. I even encounterd child porn and at a very early age. I was masturbating to it and I knew it was wrong, but I think I wanted to somehow recreate those very early sexual expiriences. I kinda stopped doing that, but over the years I retured to similar themes at times. I can't belive the monster I've become. That I ever did something like that was just another huge thing to escape from. I was doing a lot of porn in my teens and I felt like I was way too shy to even talk to girls. At that time I tought I would just be a lonely guy forever. I don't think I was that wrong... I got together with girls and I started sleeping with a lot of them. With all the skewed sexual values I know I was never really there. I got dumped in relationships and I think I somehow got passive hatred for women. I think I was resenting my mother a lot, and all the women that weren't meeting my desires or expectations. It resulted in me abusing my ex in her sleep. I don't know. I think I've became I real monster and just abused everyone around me and it all happened becouse I was afraid I wil be hurt.

What I have learned the most in the past weeks is that I've ingraned the addicion way more than I wanted to belive. That I've built so many walls to protect myself from the things I've done. That I was lying to myself, becouse I wasn't prepared to face what I was and am doing. I've learned that I started doing this at a very early age. I was traumatized and abused in at least some ways. I retreated into compulsive behavior and addiction to escape the emotional pain I would have to deal with. I was lying to myself at the very beging. That I am not hurting, at the same time looking for comfort in compulsive behavior. This behaviour that was supposed to help me, at least in my mind at the time when I was still a child, has coused way more problems. The biggest was definetly my misgueded sexual development. At the same time has the acting out caused a greater need to hide things, things I've done and was ashamed of. At first I was trying to hide from the pain others have done to me, but soon I was hurting myself and hurting others. In the about 20 years of my sexual addiction everything ahs gotten much worse over time. My acting out has become ever more shamefull. I was using and abusing others, causing harm that I was afraid of as a small child, the sort of pain I was trying to escape. Honesty became non existant, at least I've separeted a part of my personality that contained unpleasant things, pain and stuff others have done to me and the things I was doing, becouse of the consequences of ways to deal or. not to deal with emotions.

I've learned that really changing myself is harder than I imaged. At first I was thinking, I could just stop specific compulsive behaviours and I would instanlty be healed. But I really didn't change the core. Abstinence from one behavior, would nad has ment that I have switched to a similar one. I learned that I wasn't prepared to let go of my addiction, that I wasn't prepared to fully share myself, my past, my thought nad in such a way I would always remain in addiction, just the details and symptoms would change. What I am most focused on doing now is sharing the trought, the ungly parts. I undetrstand it's the only way to heal. In the past I thought I could keep secrets, deal with them myself, but what I really wanted to do is forget about them. Now I am trying to understand, my proces of deciding to keep something hidden, change the proces, decide to share and make a priority to tell my partner and my therapist, RN.


Last edited by onTheRoad on Fri Oct 26, 2012 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:51 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Hi.

Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it. It gave me a much better understanding to what the action plans should be like. I will go trough them again.

thx


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:52 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Action plans

Being absolutely honest to myself and others, learn about my dishonesty and how to change it

1 When feeling like there is something I would like to hide and did so in the past take a moment and ask yourself
-what there is to gain from hiding?
-what there is to gain from sharing?
-who and how will my honesty or the lack of it affect
-do I want to live a life of dishonesty

2when in a conversation, especialy with my partner and being confronted with something, I would likely have hidden in the past, excuse yourself and take a couple of minutes to think about the subject and then talk about it

3when I find myself lying, try to understand what I am doing as soon as possible, break away from it and and tell the trought

4Ask yourself every day how honest were you trough the day

5Every morning tell yourself
-you want to change yourself
-only you can do that
-you can do it by being honest
-you will do it


Strenghtening the relationships I cherish

1 when spending time with someone undestand how you expirience their company, how you feel in their presence

2 Acknowledge the damage you have done to them and to your relationship

3 Be honest with them, admit yuor wrongdoings, appologize and try to find a way to make it up

4 Tell them you enjoy spending time with them

5 Find opportunities to spend quality time with them.



Being someone I can be proud of
1This is a long term one
-Love yourself
-Whenever you are feeling depresed tell
-you will be a good person and you will deserve to be loved

2Recover from addictions
-finish RN
-Read books about addiction
-Always have a clear vision where you are going
3When making desciosions ask yourself how proud are you to share them
4Every day tell yourself- today I will make myself proud
5Ask yourself each night how proud are you of the life you've led today


Getting in touch with my emotions
1When feeling intense emotions let yourself go and feel
2Observe how you are expiriencing them
3If you are not allone, share what you are expiriencing them, otherwise write them down
4Try to recognize when emotions are unpleasant and wish to espace from them

Getting outside, go on walks, run or do outside sports
1Make shure you go outside every day for at least a couple of minutes
2Plan trips to the nature every week
3If at all possible go for a run to exercise
4walk, skatevboard or ride a bike instead of driving
5Get together with friends to do outside sports



Getting fit

1 Everyday take at least half and hour to exercise

2 Everyday as I plan a meal choose a healthy option

3 When I have a craving for an something unhealthy to eat, try to see if there is a void I would like to fill then decide waht to do, if you choose to eat unhealthy acknowledge it to yourself

4 When feeling stressed or bored go exrecise

5 Every morning tell yourself
-you want to be fit
-you want to be healthy
-you can do it
-take today to bring yourself closer to that goal.

Finishing colledge
-on weekends take at least 3 hours fo diploma
-make a plan who you are going to call for interviews
-go trought the interview plan again
-organize and do the interviews
-Later write everything down and go trough it again

Loosing fear, Doing what makes me scared
-When recognizing fear
-try to understand what it is exactly that makes me scared
-Ask yourself if it is something you can do
-What can you do to get over it
-Waht can be achived if you get over it and do the thing that makes you scared
-Even if it seemes hard do the thing if it someting you know will be good
-Whenever feeling doubtfull tell yourself; you are strong, you can do it, make yourself proud
-Ask yourself each night, did something scare me today, did I try to hide from something

Getting closer to friends
-call up friends when you have free time
-Ask them how they are doing, personal things
-Tell them how you are, when you are better share the problems with addiction you are/were having
-Make plans to do something together


Work, doing what I set myself to do and with quality
-Everyday as I set myself to work plan a timeframe to work alone, then stop
-If I feel stressed during work, take a time out, go for a walk or exercise
-Check the product, ask yourself:
-Is this something I am proud to show as my own
-Is this the best sollution
-Are there any enhancemets I can add/fix
-Be proud of what you've done and share it with others, ask for their oppinions


Being responsible, Getting the job done, remembering my obligations, work, chores, paying bills
-write down what you need to do and when you want to acomplish it
-check your todos everyday
-Take pride in checking them off
-Brake the bigger stuff into smaller chunks


Last edited by onTheRoad on Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 11:23 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Daily monitoring

Was I totaly honest today. Omissions. Minimalizaton? To myself?
Did something scare me today? Did I do it?
Did I eat healthy today. Did I exercise?
Did I do something to recover today?
Did I do my obligations today. Work? Chores?
Did I have a meaningful conversation with s today? Did i try to understand her. Appologize?
Did I retreat to fantasies today? Any kind.
Was I letting myself get triggered in any way?
Did I let myself get stressed today?
Did I put all my effort into everything I was doing?


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:29 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
The positive role of addiction.

First of all the porn and fantasy helped me to avoid my feelings. Duh. I think it all started with my parents constantly arguing when I was a child. After the arguments nobody dealt with the aftermath. We all acted like nothing happened. Of course the fighting produced tons of stress for me and I didn't know how to deal with all of it. Furthermore I was unplaned and I understood the only reason my parents stayed together was becouse of me. So I understood like all of the fighting was becouse of me. I felt like I was the one who is bad, the reason for the hatred and I never felt loved. Noone conforted me in all of these situations, so I was looking for ways to comfort myself, at first fantasies that weren't sexual and being sneeky lying. All of it happened very soon. I think I lied becouse I was afraid I will get punished for things I've done wrong, that all the wrath I've seen in my parents will be unleashed on me. And it was in a way. I don't want to shift all the responsibility on my parents, but I think it's how it all started. I wanted to escape, all the unpleasant emotions, feel loved. Soon I discovered porn and mastrubation, that was a reall high for me. It provided intense relief and I would get away from it all for hours. I think I was becoming more and more unsociable and I felt really stressed whenever I was in company. Porbably becouse I felt so out of control. I was afraid of everyone around me. P/M gave me a sense of being in control, there was no one around me to, that I could be afraid of. It soon took a toll on me, putting me more and more out of balance in my life and soon it was a way to escape all the secrets the shame of the things I've done. It was a was to deal with all the inpleasanties in my life. It took a role in my relationships, as I got to that point. I think I wanted to feel in control, so I was trying to get my way, getting sex, certain acctivities in sex, all so I could feel good about myself becouse I was in control. Lying had a similar role I think. Hiding stuff, details, partial troughts, was I way I could maintain control, to filter the trought so I could influence others of me being someone else, so they would like me better. Some troughts seemed too much to share, becouse I was afraid I would look too ugly, that I would be unloved, with hiding it I could get the love and I was in control how I would present myself, so I could get as much as I could out of it.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 11:40 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
The elements

I am going to describe a ritual, that has happened only a couple of times, but it was one of the worst things I have done in my addiction. Taking advantage of my ex, when she was incapacitated, drunk and asleep. I took of her clothes, touched her and took pictures while doing it and then put her clothes back on. I don't want to get too graphic.. It is something I regret terribly and it hits me everytime I remeber it to where my addiction has led me.

1.sensory
touch. Me touching her body, her private parts. Touching myself. Again I don't want to be grafic, it started with me doing stuff we did when we were both concius, but then I stared doing things we never done, touching her in a way a fantasized in the past.
mastrubation. I mastrubated while doing it. I don't think I started with the intent to mastrubate, I guess it was more with the feeling of control and power, the feeling I can do anything to her, but to finish the ritual I had to mastrubate like all the times watching porn and other acting out.
Sight. I saw what I was doing, it was dark but still, it reminded me of porn, previous fantasies..
taste, I licked her too, so I guess taste would have come into play. I don't think the taste was ever important to me.

Fantasy
-I don't really know how how it would come into play here. Maybe fantasizing she would wake up and tell me she enoyed what she was doing. How much she is liking what I am doing to her in her sleep. How much she would like it if she were awake. Some time ago I raped her, started having sex with her when she was drunk and asleep, she woke up and reacted by telling me she is enjoying it and I can go ahead, that she always enjoy's it even if sheis asleep. Still it was abuse..

Danger.
-Me being afraid she might come to her senses, see what I was doing and be terified, realise that I was abusing her. That she would ever find out what I did to her. Somehow I knew it was wrong, so I never told her about it.

Suspense
-I guess thinking about how she might be enjoying it, thinking what else I will do to her.

Acomplishement
-Doing something to her, what I have never done before, but fantasized about and was afraid to share it. Taking pictures of it all, and keeping them, at that time I probably viewed them as some sort of trophy. I don't know I just feel awfull. Getting away with what I've done to her..

Power
-Of course I was in control, everything was up too me. I could do what I pleased, I didn't have to ask for permision, I didn't have to be vounrable, I couldn't get rejected.

Past
-Porn I've watched, she saying to me to take her whenever. I guess all the past sex addiction brought me to it. Me objectifying everyone, feeling like everyone in the world is there to serve me, the feelings for my ex, at the time I didn't even like her, resenting her and hating her to a point, but still I felt like she was there to serve me. The fetishes I developed during my addiction.

Poly addictions
-we were both drunk at the time, so alcohol, marihuana. Poly addictions were big to me. At the time I was really addicted to marihuana, smoked a lot of it, I started using amphetamines, I was drinking really regulary and was drinking a lot when I did.

Orgasm
-I mastrubated at the time and orgasemed. I stoped. I guess all the mastrubation and rituals were so I would achive orgasm, trying to get it as strong as I could, get the most out of it.

I am going to describe a ritual, that has happened only a couple of times, but it was one of the worst things I have done in my addiction. Taking advantage of my ex, when she was incapacitated, drunk and asleep. I took of her clothes, touched her and took pictures while doing it and then put her clothes back on. I don't want to get too graphic.. It is something I regret terribly and it hits me everytime I remeber it to where my addiction has led me.

1.sensory
touch. Me touching her body, her private parts. Touching myself. Again I don't want to be grafic, it started with me doing stuff we did when we were both concius, but then I stared doing things we never done, touching her in a way a fantasized in the past.
mastrubation. I mastrubated while doing it. I don't think I started with the intent to mastrubate, I guess it was more with the feeling of control and power, the feeling I can do anything to her, but to finish the ritual I had to mastrubate like all the times watching porn and other acting out.
Sight. I saw what I was doing, it was dark but still, it reminded me of porn, previous fantasies..
taste, I licked her too, so I guess taste would have come into play. I don't think the taste was ever important to me.

Fantasy
-I don't really know how how it would come into play here. Maybe fantasizing she would wake up and tell me she enoyed what she was doing. How much she is liking what I am doing to her in her sleep. How much she would like it if she were awake. Some time ago I raped her, started having sex with her when she was drunk and asleep, she woke up and reacted by telling me she is enjoying it and I can go ahead, that she always enjoy's it even if sheis asleep. Still it was abuse..

Danger.
-Me being afraid she might come to her senses, see what I was doing and be terified, realise that I was abusing her. That she would ever find out what I did to her. Somehow I knew it was wrong, so I never told her about it.

Suspense
-I guess thinking about how she might be enjoying it, thinking what else I will do to her, how will I touch her, what else could I do to her.

Acomplishement
-Doing something to her, what I have never done before, but fantasized about and was afraid to share it. Taking pictures of it all, and keeping them, at that time I probably viewed them as some sort of trophy. I don't know I just feel awfull. Getting away with what I've done to her..

Power
-Of course I was in control, everything was up too me. I could do what I pleased, I didn't have to ask for permision, I didn't have to be vounrable, I couldn't get rejected.

Past
-Porn I've watched, she saying to me to take her whenever. I guess all the past sex addiction brought me to it. Me objectifying everyone, feeling like everyone in the world is there to serve me, the feelings for my ex, at the time I didn't even like her, resenting her and hating her to a point, but still I felt like she was there to serve me. The fetishes I developed during my addiction.

Poly addictions
-we were both drunk at the time, so alcohol, marihuana. Poly addictions were big to me. At the time I was really addicted to marihuana, smoked a lot of it, I started using amphetamines, I was drinking really regulary and was drinking a lot when I did.

Orgasm
-I mastrubated at the time and orgasemed. I stoped. I guess all the mastrubation and rituals were so I would achive orgasm, trying to get it as strong as I could, get the most out of it.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:14 am 
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Lesson 19

Well just some quick thoughs about some compulsive practices in the past days. I think the most terrible thing was worying about the past, stressing myself. Just the other day I had some dreams and I felt terribly guilty about it and I just couldn't let it go. I was so nervous and I just failed to deal with it in a healthy way. I ended up compulsively smoking. One other thing I obseverd in myself lately was compulsively reading stuff on the internet, like blogs and stuff. Just going trough everything pointlessly.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 1:04 pm 
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Lesson 20

What role has addiction played in my life? Seems like I've thought and spoken so much about it in the past year and a half. I think it all came to helping me not deal with problems. I don't think I had really intense emotional events, but I percived a lot of situations as really emotional. I think it started with me being a child, living with my parents that were constantly fighting. I felt like I was to blame, I was an unwanted child and my parents would not have been together if it were not for me. I felt like there is something generally wrong with me, that I will not ever be loved, like I don't deserve to. I found comfort in my own fantasy world, I started to close down, and I spent a lot of time by myself. My parents really shouldn't have left me all alone at that time... Social interactions became really stressfull for me. I was never ready to share my thoughts, my fears. So I closed down even more and social interactions were even harder. They produced a lot of stress, like going to school, highschool, meeting new pepole. It all started with fantasy I think, not even sexual, but at one point I discovered mastrubation and porn. It was something to do when I was alone, to comfort myself, or should I say to put me in control of the moment, to make me feel good. After the years, I couldn't do without it, the need for feeling control shifted to power and I started to watch ever more terrible porn. At some point in my late teens I finally fetl powerfull enough to speak with strangers.. So enter the girls. I felt like I needed to have sex, to make myself feel normal. To be with as many as I could so I could be excepted more, to hide my porn use, to hide how unnormal I felt. At least that's what I expected in the group of friends..

I must say I kinda scared of future transitions. I can't really imagine anything in the near future, but I am scared of the posibility of having reduced awarness. I know these are exactly the situations I must prepare for. In the past addiction helped me to avoid dealing with such situations, with pain. So in the future it could do the same for me, I would not deal with my emotions, but I would also distance myself from everyone around me. I would build up unresolved issues and with the addiction and not dealing with it, they would just pile up, further enhancing my need for addiction. It would probably come progresively. At first I would probably start to take care of myself less, eat unhealthy, not clean myself up, be lazy, forget my responsibilties, where I would just come to a point of apathy where I just wouldn't care anymore, wouldn't care if I do drugs, or engulf myself in sexual compulsion.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 1:30 pm 
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Lesson 29

My feelings. There shure was plenty of them. I felt love, security and beauty when thinking of my partner, but I also felt deep remorse and guilt over how I've hurt her. Fear over hurting her more and loosing her. Deep pain becouse of my exes, how I've brought myself and her shame, also pain for how I've abused my exes. Deep remose and to an extend anger towards myself for how I looked at anything trought the lens of my addiction. Feelings of shame and not deserving to be loved, not being acceptable over how I objectified everyone. Guilt and hatred for myself how I always tried to use everyone . I thought of my childhood and I just felt so much fear, fear of not being loved, not being accepted, fear from all the people around me. My family, I wanted to feel some sort of connection and relaxation, and there were some moments that produced it, but there was just so much tension, nervousness, anger, fear and dishonesty. My acting out made me feel really powerfull and in control, like I was above everyone and above this world, but now I feel so ashamed over it. My whole sexuality seems like a mixture of shame, regret, guilt, pain over what I've done to others and what I've done to myself and also fear from thinking how to get on with my life and including sex. Everything seems really dark right now, but I did have positive emotions and memories. I really need to focus on the positive side of life to make it. I thought of moments with my partner that produced genuine happiness, us just laughing together, talking in bed, adventerusly going traveling, or just laying on the couch feeling relaxed and connected. I thought of my work, being creative and I felt proud, felt good about myself, high self esteem. I thought of my pets, I felt really content, relaxed, connected to them, love companionship. I though of my friends and felt connection, cameraderie, fun, happnies. There were also negative emotions with friends, but I think we were more on remembering the good and forgeting the bad.

Thinking of acting out.. I don't really feel like fantasizing about acting out. Honestly I don't know what good it would bring me right now. I do have a desire to be sexual, but I am fairly comfident I will and would choose to not act out ever in the future. I could be fooling myself, but I don't think so. I really just want to leave that stuff behind.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:20 am 
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Stressors

1. Fear od loosing my partner -severe
2. Fear of having no respect from friends -moderate
3. Trying to have a relationship with my parents that is respectfull to them and my partner -severe
4. Keeping up with work -moderate
6. Dealing with my past, guilt -severe

Energy

1. Talking to my partner trying to understand her be there for her -moderate
2. Having fun with friends -mild
3 Dealing with my parents -mild
4. working -modearate
5. Trying to accept and understand myself -high
6. Looking for playing computer games, movies -moderate
7. Learnig things that interest me -mild
8. Working on rn -mild
9. Working out -moderate
10. Household chores -mild

In terms of spending energy I do see that I am spending energy on strenghtenig the values that will give me meaning, but I am also wasting a lot of energy on areas that seem kinda unimportant like playing video games. There could be a valuem, that I kinda missed to mention, like having fun, or enjoying wasting time with my paretner. It does seem a bit unhealthy but then again, a little bit of it should be ok, but wasting too much time on stuff like that just seems to be fullfilling instant emotional gratification, so it is an unhealthy standpoint. Also there are areas of my values that I am not fullfilling and I am really neglecting, like working on my thesis, not finishing it is producing stress in my life and I really need to jump on it and finish it. I know I've been saying this for way too long...

I get most of my meaning from spending quality time with my partner, tallking, wroking stuff out, trying to understand myself, working out, from my job. These are areas that are at the top of my priority list, but again, I am also wasting time on the internet, playing games and stuff, so I do see a bit of an unhealthy pattern here. I hope I am on track. I think my life would be really good if it wasn't from the severe stress, that comes from my past acting out, bad descisions, delustions and misunderstanding of others and just general egoism that I am trying to overcome.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:18 pm 
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Going quickly trough my plans I see I did ok at some, but I really neglected the others.

Being absolutely honest to myself and others, learn about my dishonesty and how to change it
Here I think I've done good in the past months and really ingrained it. Maybe even too much, that I went on exploring unpleasant stuff. I don't know. Maybe I didn't go trough the steps exactly as I wrote them down, but I ingrained it to a point where I don't really think about the plan, but I just follow trough.

Strenghtening the relationships I cherish
Here I mostly ment my partner, as I spend most of my time with her and I do think she is the most important and cherished person in my life. She probably doesnt belive it but heck. I've done the steps, but still I managed to mess the relationship up numerous times. I do need to think how I might change the plan.

Being someone I can be proud of
Here I've mostly been trying on loving and respecting myself. Afirmiting I can be deserved to be loved and proud of myself. I've done recovery work. Well I didn't spend all my free time on it, but I am doing it. I am not to proud of some of the descisions I made, as I've hurt my partner with them. I was thinking of myself too much and not of here :(

Getting in touch with my emotions
Here I think I was doing pretty good. But I was only thinking about it. Maybe I shuold start writingh it down.

Getting outside, go on walks, run or do outside sport
Ok. Didn't spend nearly as much time outside as I hoped for. I think I did all the things on the list but kinda rarely. It is cold these moths...

Getting fit
Doing it. Maybe I ate a bit too much, especially during the hollidays, but I made real progress.

Finishing colledge
Totaly neglected this one. I need to get motivated somehow.

Loosing fear, Doing what makes me scared
This plan is a bit vague and misunderstandable. I did try to understand myself and my fear better. It was mostly about my fear of being open, honest and sharing, not being loved. I think I made some big steps in letting go. I think I did ok, but still, the plan seems confusing.

Getting closer to friends
Hade some nice times with friends, but I didn't put much effort into it. I guess I have some fears of either me not being accepted by them, or my partner not liking them...

Work, doing what I set myself to do and with quality
I worked, I belive what I did was good. But my organisation was crap. I failed to start working on time and then worked later hours. And I known I had problems with stress and not going away from the computer.

Being responsible, Getting the job done, remembering my obligations, work, chores, paying bills
here I think I've failed the most. I did some things I set myself up to do like chores and paying bills, but I totaly violated agrements I had with my partner.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:48 pm 
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My emotions.

Last night as I just read this lesson, I felt anxiety, fear over becouse of the past and fear that it's going to be hard to overcome it in our relationship.

I managed to let it go somehow and then I felt at peace, I had some really nice moments with my partner in the evening and I accually felt love and really happy.

In the morning I felt a bit frustrated and angry becouse I "had" to wake up. I'm trying to loose weight, so I was eating healthy and it wasn't as satisfying as something suggary. I wasn't at the best mood, I was talking with my partner and I just wanted to zone out as I wasn't completly awake. At first I felt a bit frustrated as why can't we just watch tv, but I realized that she seemed really happy and I missed spending nice times with her, so I saw something really nice and enjoyed it.

I was really nervous and kinda angry at my boss when working today, I wanted to leave and go grab something to eat. I was really crancky. I was pushing myself trying to do too much at a time. I later oppologized.

I had dinner and spend some time just talking with my partner later. I felt loved and at peace. It was really nice.
Later when I was alone I started to think about some stuff from the past, how I don't want to go there anymore. I kinda felt proud of myself. I told her about it and she just saw myself as trying to escape. I was sad for not being in the present and felt out of control.

2. day

Emotions were out of control today. Yesterday just after writing this post, I talked to my partner, becouse I felt nervous about some thoughts I had the day before. I was stressing myself and remembering stupid and uninportant stuff from the past with the exes while I should be having fun with her. The world came crashing down, becouse she wants me to leave her permanently becouse of it. She feels I am spending why too much thoughts on the past with other women and she really cant have that. I can't even think of the situations with my emotions, it was a really stressfull day. But I felt really out of control. To lose the relationship over it seems so devastating. I was really nervous as it was happening and it was so unpleasant, I knew I was hurting her but I just couldn't relax. I feel out of control becouse my actions, my descisions were something I can control, but thoughts poping into my mind were something I couldn't. I felt really sad and depressed. Crying all the time. It seems to me I invested all of me into us. I trully did. I know I wasn't completly honest in the past, but now I was to a point I just destroyed everything between us. Is really painfull thinking of leaving hur, becouse I do remember pleasant memories with her, becouse I thought we were so close of being ok, that after years of work I was finally getting there, that she was getting better, I really belived we were going to make it. Just sadness and depression. I felt a lot of fear of what I will do with my life. In the past years I just put everything I had into the relationship and now I feel like I lost my entire life. Not so healthy, I know. I felt a bit better after talking with my therapist. I did felt some self esteem and felt like I was going to make it. Followed by just more sadness after talking to my partner again. The converstion got a bit brighter and I felt some hope. But it's pointless probably. I am afraid of being on my own, but then again I am afraid of doing the same thing and hurt her more if we would stay together.

day 3

Yesterday was really tough. For both of us. We were both really sad for loosing everything and it was our aniversary on top of it all. I guess I was just depressed all the time. I heard her crying in the other room, and I started thinking of her how she is feeling, how she's put everything in the relationship and lost it all, it made me even sadder. I went to talk to her and tried to showe her some empathy.We calmed down and just started to watch some tv, it was pretty good, but I got nervous and afraid that I wont start doing it again... And did it at points.. I don't know, I've hurt her more and felt even more hopeless. I went to bed alone, she later joined me, wich I didn't think it would happen and I was really surprised, I was really moved, happy and I felt loved as we fell asleep embraced. I was reading the lesson on droping guilt, and I got angry at myself for not doing it sooner, I was the exact thing that got me to hurt her this time. I've been working hard today to drop it, it seems so hard..., but I am trying. There was some fear that I will not be able to, but I know I will give it all I've got.

How I did over the past week in obsering my emotions.. I think I could have done better. There were stressfull times and at that times I very often forgot to think of anything else. To really grasp the emotions. There were times when I remembered to observe them, but often I did in kinda in retorspect. I remebered observing them a few times a day and thought of the emotions in the past hour. It is really important that I keep doing it. My therapist has been telling me to do so for a while.


Last edited by onTheRoad on Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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