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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:52 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 16

Positive role of my addiction

Basically I used my compulsive behavior, mostly porn and masturbation to relive stress. Of course, what else? It's probably the same for everybody. I used it when I was nervous about something like school, work, girlfriend, stuff I need to do, the people I've upset, the promises I made that are going to be hard to keep. I used it to just forget about everything, stop worrying. I forgot about everything while I was acting out and most of the stuff when I was finished too. A lot of the times I just did it when I felt bored, I didn't know what to do so I watched porn because I knew It was going to be something I will enjoy. It really is like a drug, it gets you high. Over time I developed a ritual, where I just did it for the sake of doing it and if I didn't do it I missed it. I was an escape from the problems of life. Not that I really had that many. I did it even when everything was going great. But I got used to the fix.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 2:26 pm 
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Lesson 17

Elements of sexually compulsive behavior

I'm going to analyze my most common behavior of watching porn and masturbating.
The sensory element was present in the form of touch. I masturbated to achieve sexual stimulation and eventually orgasm. Most of the time I just used my hand. In the porn the visual element was the most important. I consider myself a really visual person and the act of viewing sexually explicit images seemed to really heighten my arousal and I produced a stronger orgasm as opposed to masturbating without it and just using fantasy. Sound was important too, not as much as sight, but it was a form of topping on the cake.

I used fantasy at times I masturbated without using porn. This was fairly rare as I usualy could come up with some type of porn, which offered me greater stimulation, but when I did it was influenced by the porn that I've seen. Some of the times when I couldn't masturbate and I felt the urge I used to fantasize about porn, it was rare , but I can remember it had distracted me from the things I needed to do a lot. Sometimes when I mastrubated I fantasized about girls I was infatuated with and somewhat delusionaly fantasized they were in love with me.

Danger was present in the form of getting caught and facing consequences. I was afraid of getting caught by my parents, friends and girfriend. I was afraid of ridicule, hurting and disappointing others and feeling general shame and embarrassment. The more soccialy unacceptable the porn was the greater the element of danger. I was also mastrubating in some situations that were increasingly dangereous. Such as when driving a car on tbe motorway.

Suspense. When I went watching porn I went on a hunt to find something that would stimulate me on the internet. The suspense was in trying to find something exiting or new, that wasn't there before. Sometimes I downloaded movies and had to wait for the download to finish. While I was waiting i was asking myself, »Will it be soon?«, »Will it be as exiting as I think«. I really did feel like a gambler trying to score.

Accomplishment. When I downloaded movies, they were there to stay on the hard drive for future acting out. The more movies and the more exiting they were the more »productive« the session was and the greater sense of accomplishment I felt. It was also present in the form of not getting caught when I acted out. In this sense it was connected to the element of danger as it allowed me to successfully act out without facing consequences.

Poly addictions. Most of the times acted out, at least after my late teens I was high on weed. I really smoked too much and was high all the time. I don't know how directly connected it was as I smoked often without feeling the need to mastrubate or watch porn. And I acted out a lot of times when I wasn't high. I didn't start smoking because I tried to quit porn. But when combing the two I did feel like I escaped reallity even more. It does show to a greater extent my inability to manage my life.
This factor was more important that I was previously ready to admit. I was preferably high as I acted ouf. If I had the chance I would smoke weed. On some occasions I also used amphetamines.

Orgasm was the peak of the experience. The time when the stimulation was the greatest and when it all came crashing down when it was over. Although it offered a lot of physical stimulation, it does for everybody, it wasn't the sole purpose of acting out, as I expirienced a lot of stimulation prior to it, but it was really important. I often tried to postpone it to lengthen the experience. As I was finished I usualy felt shame and remorse and I was asking myself why I had to do it again. I lost all the desire to watch porn or mastrubate, at least until the next session, which could be a couple of hours away.

This exercise really made me better understand all the sensations i experienced while acting out. And all the ingredients that go into the cocktail. They might not all be present every time, but subconsciously I knew what I was trying to experience. And as time goes on I was looking for new engridients that would fit it the mix.


Last edited by onTheRoad on Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 2:26 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 17

Elements of sexually compulsive behavior

I'm going to analyze my most common behavior of watching porn and masturbating.
The sensory element was present in the form of touch. I masturbated to achieve sexual stimulation and eventually orgasm. Most of the time I just used my hand. In the porn the visual element was the most important. I consider myself a really visual person and the act of viewing sexually explicit images seemed to really heighten my arousal and I produced a stronger orgasm as opposed to masturbating without it and just using fantasy. Sound was important too, not as much as sight, but it was a form of topping on the cake.

I used fantasy at times I masturbated without using porn. This was fairly rare as I usualy could come up with some type of porn, which offered me greater stimulation, but when I did it was influenced by the porn that I've seen. Some of the times when I couldn't masturbate and I felt the urge I used to fantasize about porn, it was rare , but I can remember it had distracted me from the things I needed to do a lot.

Danger was present in the form of getting caught and facing consequences. I was afraid of getting caught by my parents, friends and girfriend. I was afraid of ridicule, hurting and disappointing others and feeling general shame and embarrassment. The more soccialy unacceptable the porn was the greater the element of danger.

Suspense. When I went watching porn I went on a hunt to find something that would stimulate me on the internet. The suspense was in trying to find something exiting or new, that wasn't there before. Sometimes I downloaded movies and had to wait for the download to finish. While I was waiting i was asking myself, »Will it be soon?«, »Will it be as exiting as I think«. I really did feel like a gambler trying to score.

Accomplishment. When I downloaded movies, they were there to stay on the hard drive for future acting out. The more movies and the more exiting they were the more »productive« the session was and the greater sense of accomplishment I felt. It was also present in the form of not getting caught when I acted out. In this sense it was connected to the element of danger as it allowed me to successfully act out without facing consequences.

Poly addictions. Most of the times acted out, at least after my late teens I was high on weed. I really smoked too much and was high all the time. I don't know how directly connected it was as I smoked often without feeling the need to mastrubate or watch porn. And I acted out a lot of times when I wasn't high. I didn't start smoking because I tried to quit porn. But when combing the two I did feel like I escaped reallity even more. It does show to a greater extent my inability to manage my life.

Orgasm was the peak of the experience. The time when the stimulation was the greatest and when it all came crashing down when it was over. Although it offered a lot of physical stimulation, it does for everybody, it wasn't the sole purpose of acting out, as I expirienced a lot of stimulation prior to it, but it was really important. I often tried to postpone it to lengthen the experience. As I was finished I usualy felt shame and remorse and I was asking myself why I had to do it again. I lost all the desire to watch porn or mastrubate, at least until the next session, which could be a couple of hours away.

This exercise really made me better understand all the sensations i experienced while acting out. And all the ingredients that go into the cocktail. They might not all be present every time, but subconsciously I knew what I was trying to experience. And as time goes on I was looking for new engridients that would fit it the mix.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:43 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 18 The three filters

When I consider the filter of time on the elements of my compulsive behavior I can mostly identify it with the orgasm element. When I was masturbating I tried to come to the verge, without actually orgasming. As I did all the pleasure from this behavior diminished. Most likely this would also be included in the sensory element of touch as experiencing physical stimulation.

Thinking of intensity, or how much I have mastered the behavior. I must mention the sensory element of touch. Over the years as I masturbated I have become more skilled at it, as I learned to give my self just enough pleasure to be stimulated but not orgasm instantly. Probably the element of orgasm would also come into play here, as I worked for and learned to orgasm at just the right time. When I was close for a long time and not before.
With this filter the elements of suspense and accomplishment would also be important. Over the time I have become more skilled at finding the porn that would excite me at the moment. My chances of "scoring" have improved over time, so my excitement of finding something new had become bigger over time and my sense of accomplishment also increased as I gathered material.

With the habitation filter I must firstly address the sensory element. With the touch aspect I started stimulating myself anally to increase the intensity. In the visual aspect I started watching more and more extreme types of porn over time. I started watching only pictures of nude women, but it has progressed into some really extreme things. The element of danger should also be considered here. I had started watching things that would had greater consequences if they were discovered. I also think I was trying less and less to hide them over time. I also did stuff that was dangerous to me and others, like masturbating while driving.
Orgasm also seems to fit here, as I was trying to achieve stronger ones over time. I was trying to prolong it more and I also tried to stimulate myself physically and visually more intensely.
The poly addictions would also come into play here. Or should I say drug use. Mostly it was cannabis, whit over time I was trying to be higher and higher, and also some other drugs were introduced, like amphetamines and poppers.

I do need to think about my behaviors some more and will come to update as I become more skilled at understanding it.


Last edited by onTheRoad on Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 2:05 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 19

I was hype aware of my ritualistic behavior for the past couple of days. I have identified about three more or less unhealthy rituals. First was constantly scratching my goatee. I was probably doing this instead of biting my nails. I would usually do such things when I'm nervous. I'm trying to quit biting my nails, with some success, but it was really replaced with scratching. With the scratching I think it provided me with some comforting calmness in the beginning but after a while I just couldn't stop and scratched it all the time. As with each scratch I seemed to desire the next one. Funny. I shaved it yesterday. Another thing I noticed was somewhat ritualistically reading some blogs. I think I did it just to keep myself busy and not think about problems. I did found that I was checking for new stuff all the time and refreshing the page as just looking for new candy. I also found myself playing some computer games that I just couldn't stop playing. It was always just this one more try. I think I did these two just to keep myself occupied with something. I found that after some time I reached the threshold when it just became annoying. At that time I realized that I was doing those things somewhat compulsively. I've quit it at the time and went to read about some stuff I want to learn, as I set myself to do in the proactive plan in times when I found myself with nothing smart to do.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:28 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 20

When thinking of my addiction I think it all started in early childhood. My parents were fighting a lot and to distance myself from all of it I tried to find comfort in myself and spending time alone just amusing myself in different ways. I found masturbation and it was only small experiments. As I got into my early teen years I started masturbating a lot and I also got access to a great deal of porn in the internet, there wasn't as much of back then but I was still a lot easier to come by in comparison to other forms of porn. I was always shy as a child or lacked social skills, probably because I was hiding all of this behavior. In the late teens when I should be meeting girls it was just impossible for me to speak to them and I was relying more and more on porn to manage my emotions. The porn has also got more extreme to this time. By the time I was 20 I decided I need to pull myself together, so I reduced the amount of porn and masturbation quite a lot and I also lost some weight and have build up my body. I got a lot of self esteem. At this point I was sleeping with girls, but I have never put my emotions into the relationships or really cared about their feelings. I guess I just kinda shifted my addiction into another direction. At some point I was in a relationship for more than I year but I was really not happy. That's when I let myself go, gained I lot of weight and I started using a lot of porn and masturbation again.

Well I can't really think of future stressful transitions, but when thinking what would be like as addiction would come back into my life, I think I would distance myself form the world, would spend a lot of time at home, wouldn't go out, would be afraid to speak to anybody a would probably feel a lot of resentment towards the world, like I would think that I am the only one that's right and everybody else is wrong. It would probably be a subtle transition at first and it would soon come to a rapid collapse. The signs I would look at is spending too much time alone, eating too much, drinking and smoking too much, gaining weight. The actions I would take. For me I think the most effective think would be working out or doing sports and getting slim. Maybe some people consider working out an addiction too, but I can only see positive effects. There is definitely a rush of testosterone or something when you work out, but you feel great after it, you seek no gratification in food or masturbation or something, because you don't need it. Your self esteem really increases and you get healthier.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 4:05 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 21
One major goal I set myself and failed was finishing my collage degree in a reasonable time. I think I failed was because I didn't want it strong enough. The program I enrolled into probably wasn't exactly to my linking or wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I think I was kinda pressured into it by my parents. I didn't put enough effort into it and kept postponing the work, I never had I solid plan or set myself the appropriate short term goals, I always just thought that it's going to be ok. I didn't really measure my progress as I didn't have a plan or goals to study and always thought I will do it later.

A major goal I accomplished is losing some weight (almost 20 kg), it was I major thing for me and it required effort. Well I succeeded because I wanted it strong enough, the desire came form me, I wanted to feel more healthier and get more self respect. I had good short term goals that were really measurable, I weighed myself everyday. The big goal was loose that much in about four months and I could break it down into weeks. I think it took me a couple of months more, but I didn't really care.I had good daily goals, how much I need to exercise, what food I could eat, how many calories. I was really focused and thought about it all the time.

With the recovery goals I'm not really sure if this needs to be specific to the addiction or general life management?
A addiction specific and measurable would be completing the recovery lessons both individual and couples in six months. That would mean setting aside time each day for doing a lesson. Weekly checking if I am doing enough of them or have I skipped a day, asking myself why I did it. Communicating with my partner how my recovery and her healing is going preferably once a day. Checking my progress how I feel, how much focus I have, how my urges have changed, how I manage stress, how am I managing my emotions..

I have another goal I'm thinking about currently and it's finishing my diploma, let's say by November. Breaking it down seems easy. First I need to finish my application and talk to the professor. I'm close to this so it needs to happen by the end of the week, this means tomorrow and the day after. Next I need to get literature, find all the books and articles that apply to the subject. I needs to happen by the end of the month. Next I need to write the theoretical portion and get my research material, I would like to finish this by the end of July, or at least by the end of august. Then I need to do my research and process the information, it should take me about a month. Lets say the end of September by the latest. Then I need to sum up my findings and write a conclusion. A month. By the end of October by the latest.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 2:02 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 22

Ritual measured : Porn and masturbation

Elements involved and values assigned:

Touch 3
Visual 3
Sound 2
Danger 2
Suspense 2
Accomplishment 1
Orgasm 1

Filters:

Touch
-Time, the closest to orgasm the biggest stimulation 9
-Intensity, slowly but progressively increased stimulation 3
-Habitation: No real effect 1

Visual
-Time, did desire it more as I got worked up 5
-Intensity, started to watch more extreme stuff 9
-Habitation, over time the "softer" stuff lost appeal 4

Sound
-Time, I don't think it had a special effect, maybe had more effect when I was more aroused 3
-Intensity, it was more or less what it accompanied the visual, 2
-Habitation, no real effect 1

Danger
-Time, the longer I acted out the more of the element was present as the chance of getting caught increased 6
-Intensity, I was getting more "sloppy" at hiding things 5
-Habitation, As time went on I was less afraid of getting caught, and did stuff that would get me in a lot more trouble, like getting caught by the police while driving 2

Suspense
-Time, I wanted to find material fast and I didn't want to wait for 3
-Intensity, the more skilled I was at finding porn, the greater the chance of "scoring" so more stimulation happened 8
-Habitation, I don't think it had a significant effect 2

Accomplishment
-Time, it happened instantly so 1
-Intensity, more stuff I found the greater the sense of accomplishment was 6
-Habitation, With time I did experience expectations to finding certain types and amounts of material 4

Orgasm
-Time, as I tried prolonging it I say it played an importance 5
-Intensity, I did seek a strong orgasm when acting out 8
-Habitation, no real effect 1

Poly addictions
- The longer the session was happening the more the effects of the drug diminished 3
- Intensity, I tried to get higher, experimented with different drugs 8
- Habitation, I got used to being high all the time so I can say the effects lessened 5


Last edited by onTheRoad on Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 12:43 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 23
Practical values for measuring

The measuring exercises helped me to understand my sexually compulsive behavior a lot better. It made me think about it lot more and helped me to look at it from a distance and see it for what it was as opposed to previously just ignoring any thought of it and keeping it ingrained in my sub consciousness. By being better aware of my ritualistic chain I believe I will better recognize the behaviors of mental states that would have the potential to lead me into such a chain. I believe that in an event I would find myself in such a chain (hopefully I would see it coming and never engage in it) I could recognize the pattern and stop it instantly instead of feeling the pressure to complete the ritual. Understanding the concept will also help me identify any possible future developments of such rituals in any areas, and help me recognize that if I am developing similar behaviors, something is wrong with my emotional balance and I need to do something to stop the crisis.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:22 pm 
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Posts: 168
I kinda screwed up my recovery. It was probably screwed up from the beginning. I wasn't totally honest with my partner, after she gave me nothing but support, and I guess not myself. I gave her a disclosure a some weeks ago and claimed it was complete, but I was still withholding stuff. A couple of days I tried to hide some things from the past from her and lied to her when she directly confronted me. This went on for about 15 minutes before I finally told her. I'm ready to be honest now, but I fear a screwed up the relationship too much. I gave her I disclosure today in the form of a letter, but she claims it's over and want's to write a book about all my lies and stuff I've done and make the letter I wrote public. After everything I've done to her and all the hardship she went trough I guess she has the right to do everything. I still feel horrible though. I'm still keen to keep recovering, but I guess I have to review and go over the lessons I've done again...


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:03 am 
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I feel totally depressed and I don't know what to do. I feel like I failed completely in my life. I wanted this recovery I really did, but I just wasn't honest enough, I wasn't ready to completely take responsibility for my actions, I was still minimizing my actions and bending the trough. I was still only telling only partial troughs. I don't know.. am I completely incapable of being responsible? I do feel I made some progress in wanting to act out but I still wasn't honest about all the aspects. I wanted my recovery attempts to be perceived better than they actually were. I wasn't strong enough to admit all the mistakes I've done and the details especially to my girlfriend. I was afraid I was just going to ruin everything. I was trying to convince her so much I was doing better and trying to make myself look good that I was doing real harm to her healing. I was just so afraid that if I admitted everything she would now how bad I was and how much I was faking so much in the past. I didn't believe that she would see my mistakes as results of my inability to manage my life. I realize I was still condemning myself to a dual personality and my long term recovery was in so much jeopardy. I was afraid that I would give myself so much troubles and inability to have fun if I just admitted everything.

About the recovery lessons I was completely honest about some of them like the first ones my vision, my values, my goals, how to achieve them. About where I am in recovery I was still trying to make myself look better than I actually was. I wasn't completely honest about the elements of compulsive behavior either. I don't know what I should do.. I haven't acted out, but my recovery was in real danger. I feel like I've let everybody down again, my girlfriend. I love her so much, she's been so good to me and I just don't want to lose her.

In the past I really didn't want to give up my addictions, and felt I was totally forced into recovery. Later when I started the lessons, I really wanted to be better, but it was still to an extent to save my relationship. I see now all the stuff I've done to hurt the people around me and I really wan't to be better. I just want to stop my destructive patterns, I don't want to hurt anybody, I just want to stop the lies. I'm afraid that if everything comes out in a small town I will just isolate myself from society and completely destroy myself. I really want a healthy life but I am afraid that because of everything I've done it will be impossible for me to have any kind of a normal life. I totally hate myself right now, my addictions, all my distrust in people, my inability to manage my life, it completely destroyed me.

I really wan't to continue the workshop, I believe it has some serious potential . I don't know what to do, do I just start over everything, do go over the lessons I've done and update them? I just feel like I threw away so much time and effort..


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 11:48 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:58 am
Posts: 665
Hi ontheRoad,

It is fairly typical in early recovery to have these extremely negative emotions associated with guilt, shame, failure, etc. But realize that to think that because you failed this time, you're a "failure"...is all-or-nothing thinking. You are falling into an unrealistic pattern of thought that where you believe that there's no hope because you messed up this time. But while you may have failed this time, you have also learned...that your actions have consequences.

The ultimate way you could not take responsibility for your actions at this point would be to quit working recovery, throw your hands in the air, and retreat into your addiction. Simply because you were not honest previously, doesn't mean you can't be honest from this point forward. Again, this is all classic all-or-nothing thinking.

Quote:
I was trying to convince her so much I was doing better and trying to make myself look good that I was doing real harm to her healing. I was just so afraid that if I admitted everything she would now how bad I was and how much I was faking so much in the past.


You now see the importance of absolute honesty. For most partners, the devastation of learning about sexual addiction is, while terrible, much worse if it is done over an extended period of time. It destroys trust and creates an atmosphere of uncertainty. But you now see its importance. Work on being honest from here.

Quote:
About the recovery lessons I was completely honest about some of them like the first ones my vision, my values, my goals, how to achieve them. About where I am in recovery I was still trying to make myself look better than I actually was. I wasn't completely honest about the elements of compulsive behavior either.


Similarly, just because you weren't honest in one instance doesn't mean that EVERYTHING you've done wasn't honest. All-or-nothing thinking again. Look back at your vision, values, and action plans. If you think they are honest and still apply to you, then continue to use them. If not, update them until they feel accurate. You are still in early recovery. You still have many skills to learn along with the application of those skills. Just because you didn't apply those skills (ie. honesty) in this case doesn't mean you don't want to, or that you can't. It means that more growth is needed.

Quote:
I see now all the stuff I've done to hurt the people around me and I really wan't to be better. I just want to stop my destructive patterns, I don't want to hurt anybody, I just want to stop the lies.


If you want to change for yourself, that is entirely within your reach. Know that right now: if you want to change for yourself, there's nothing stopping you...except yourself.

Quote:
I really wan't to continue the workshop, I believe it has some serious potential . I don't know what to do, do I just start over everything, do go over the lessons I've done and update them? I just feel like I threw away so much time and effort..


Well, if you want to, then keep going through the workshop. There's no one stopping you, unless you choose to stop. All you can do at this point is tell your SO the entire truth...you can't control what decisions she makes in regards to your relationship. But the best way to make amends and take responsibility is by taking responsibility for your own life.

Quote:
I just feel like I threw away so much time and effort..


It's common (again) in early recovery for people to think that because they slipped or acted against their values, they're starting from scratch. But this doesn't mean you've learned nothing or that all of your efforts are for naught. It just shows you that much growth is still required. You can get there, if you keep working at it.

I wish you well.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:05 pm 
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Posts: 168
Hi, thanks for the reply. Will definitively continue with the workshop. Lately I was kinda depressed in didn't really find the strength to do the exercises. That really wasn't the way to go forward. Feel I bit encouraged now.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:15 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 24

First my elements if I understand this correctly.

Touch
Visual
Sound
Danger
Suspense
Accomplishment
Orgasm
Poly addictions

For a typical event of porn and masturbation would go something like this.

1. First I would get high (mostly weed) in company or by myself
2.Would feel suspense in what porn will i find today
3. Would go on internet looking for porn, I knew where to go
4.Would be aroused by the images and sound in porn I experienced
5. Would start masturbating
6. Would feel the adrenaline of fear of getting caught
7. Would start experiencing accomplishment, because of the porn I had found
8. Would experience orgasm
9. I would sometimes start to clean up the computer.. not always, but I did in the later days.
10. Would experience accomplishment of finding a lot of porn, experiencing an orgasm and not getting caught.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:22 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 25

Compulsive ritual

1. Something would trigger me to start thinking sexual things and about masturbating, I saw something sexual on tv, I was stressed about something, worried. Somehow most of the times it was just a habit of doing it before going to sleep.
2. I would get high, smoked weed. If I weren't high before.
3.I went on the internet looking for porn.
4. I found some clips or pictures that would interest me and opened them in various tabs.
5. I started looking at clips pictures.
6. I got aroused and started masturbating.
7. Fantasized about myself in various sexual acts, not necessarily directly connected with the porn.
8. When looked at all the material, when't looking for more material, opened in new tabs, repeated a couple of times.
9. Orgasm
10. Cleaned up, deleted traces.
11. Felt guilty about acting out


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