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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 9:38 am 
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Lesson 41

Boundaries of others.

The person I interviewed was my girlfriend of a couple of years. She discovered my addiction and was deeply traumatized the event, all the previous and later lies, deceit and the lack of respect I gave her. She is working hard to recover from it all. I love her completely and strive to be the person she is proud to love.

An important value to her is shoving of respect in public, especially if an ex of mine should happen to show up somewhere. The important thing is to be proud of her, or her feeling that I am proud to show that she is mine. Show her all the possible affection in public, like holding her hand, kissing or fondling her. Act like a boyfriend she will be proud to have and others to envy her. Basically show that she's mine and I love her completely.

A very important value to her is trust. Openly sharing all thoughts, feelings, troubles etc.. Definitely not lies or omissions. Trusting her with my problems and troubles and asking for help. Not bottling things up. Being there for her troubles.

It's also important in staying healthy and fit. Eating healthy, exercising. Not getting fat. If she sees any signs of getting lazy or out of shape, it's important that she starts exercising more. The same goes for me.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:11 pm 
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Exercise 44

A. I will look into my core identity when making decisions. I will examine them and ask myself what road would the person I would like to be take. Is the decision going to make me proud. Will I be glad to share it with others? I will keep track on how my life is going and how much I am acting in accordance with my core identity. Am I proud of the decisions I have recently made?

I will make it my guardian. Someone who I can look for guidance. I know what kind of person I want to be, and what kind of decisions that person would make, but in the past I was just happy to be perceived as someone like that. I will use it to keep focus.

B. Each time I will act in accordance with my values I will be proud of myself. It will strengthen that particular value and I will perceive as a positive experience. I will also actively work on strengthening my values. When making decisions I will ask myself what are the values that are coming into play and how are they going to be altered. Will it be affected by a positive value? Will it strengthen it? Or will I just put I aside and loose it a bit.

C. I am not in tune with my core identity like I should be. I know I set myself to do some major changes in my life and often failed on achieving success, because I did not stay in tune with what I set myself to do. When doing destructive activities I often ignored my core identity and hoping I would just forget about it or at least I thought of it as giving myself a break. That often resulted in weakening my core or driving me further and further from it. I could only see that i was loosing the connection when the negative consequences started to pile up, but in my opinion that is too late. I just recently had an episode of not being in touch with it, when I was eating totally unhealthy and not exercising for almost a week. I had blame it on the situation, and my parents just cocking too much, but it was my responsibility for letting go. I am strengthening that area now and try to make it up by exercise and healthy food. Got to keep connected.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 1:25 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 45

A.
1. I would feel stress over something.. A fight with my girlfriend, work or school pressure or just general low self esteem: Felt depressed, apathy
2. Started thinking about watching porn, masturbating, possibly smoking weed: My mood lifted, I felt happier, exited, looking forward to doing it.
3. Definitely decided to watch porn, maybe rolled a joint and smoked it: I felt even more excitement, felt restless, my hart started beating, couldn't wait to start watching it.
4.Looking for and watching porn, masturbating. : Calmed down, felt peace, in control, relaxed.
5.Orgasmed: Just prior to achieving it felt ecstatic, feeling accomplishment. Soon after started feeling the guilty
6.Cleaning up: Just feeling ashamed, disappointment, hating myself, depressed

C. I'd think the point of no return would be 2. form me, even before deciding to do it, I was already thinking about it so much , that I couldn't get it out of my head and it was just a matter of time before i actually did it.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 1:54 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:58 am
Posts: 665
Hi ontheRoad,

Just a note on Lesson 45 for you to think about. You are likely correct that Step 2 is the point of no return. Good insight. Many people doing this exercise would say Step 3, when they actually engage in the activity...but likely, the decision to do so had already been made prior to that.

All I wanted to say is that, the point where you actually want to take action is Step 1. At Step 1, you need to recognize that you're emotionally compromised and take action...before you even reach Step 2. Because at Step 2, when you've already started to fantasize...your emotions will already start to affect your decisions. But if you make a values-based decision at Step 1...the rest of the ritual doesn't even need to happen.

Good work, keep it up. :g:

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:04 pm 
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Posts: 168
Hi, forwardthinker.

Thanks for the reply. I agree, I would definitively have to take action at step one, think about my emotions and choose I healthy way of getting in balance.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:04 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 46
The point of no return would probably happen after geting some stimuli and feeling emotionaly imbalanced, like depresed, woried or nervous and starting to think about about watching porn and masturbating. What I would do to start a healthy learning proces and to reverse my learned responses would be first to asses my emotional reaction as I am feeling unstable, angry depresed or nervous. Think about how I fell at the moment and why do I feel this way. Well I guess I would initialy feel depresed or angry. The thought of masturbating and watching porn usualy made me feel some sort of relief, meaning I didn't have to think about my problems for some time, hence I din't have to feel depresed or angry. Here I would find out that I am somehow unstable and acting out would make me feel temporary relief. Well next of course I would review my options. The only option tradionaly would be to act out, but here I will find an activity to replace it. I would choose some sort of working out, becouse I know it can be great for reliving stress. And talk to my partner about it. If I filter the options trough my values and boundaries and access potential consequnces, the descion on witch option to act is simple. The first would be totaly against a lot of my values, while the second would be be in accordance with a lot of them. So by choosing the first I would feel worse in the long run, and by choosing the second I will feel ok in the short run, feel good about myself in the long run plus I'll be a lot healthier. I will choose the second one, feel good about myself and make my core identity stronger. I know that any stress I had in the begining of the event would dissapear shortly after staring to work out and I would feel good about my self for at least an hour after finishing wich is in total contrast to acting out sexualy. About the ritual of working out.. First I would decide to work out. Initialy I would feel good about myself, feeling optinistic that I'am doing something healthy. Then I would start to work out. I would feel kinda lazy at the begining, and angry that that have to move myself. But after warming up, I would start to feel good about myself, looking forward to the next set of exercises and feeling more and more acomplishement. After finishing I would feel a lot of acomplishement and I would get a lot more self esteem in doing something I set myself to do and looking better. Working more and more everyday, that initial lazy and angry feeling would slowly disapear as I would look forward to feeling good already as I start working out.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 12:50 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 47


1. I would get in a major fight with my partner and separe for some days. I would get depresed angry with her for some reason. Maybe I would feel betrayed. I'd just start thinking for a way to get away from it.

2. I would break up with my partner. I'd get lazy after a while. Slowly neglecting my health work and higene wich would get me depresed and maybe cause me to avoid socializing with anybody.

3. I'd get access to a computer or a device that could get me access to porn in a way I couldn't get caught. But It would have to start prior to that, so I would event consider it. I could be in a stressfull situation like distancing from my partner for some time and loosing a job.

4. There could be a situation where I could be temped to cheat on my partner and flirt with somebody. Like the relationship with my partner could be deteriorating . Maybe I would be susspission of her flirting or cheating with a male coleage of hers.

5. Suppose I'd be on a bussness trip in a foreign country. I'd be working a lot. I'd have access to porn in a hotel

6. I'd be with buissness partners or friends that would want to go to a strip club or something like that. I'd be under pressure of not loosing a buissness oportunity.

7. I would stop to comunicate my feelings with my partner. Supressing anger with her over fights. Building resentment towards her. Being passively agressive. Start being selfish. Looking for a way to funnel the frustration.

8. Death of a loved one. I could totaly isolate myself and not comunicate with anybody. Severe stress.

9. I'd go to prison or something. Where I'd be totaly isolated and depresed.

10.I would be home alone, my partner would be out, possibly for a couple of days. I'd be working a lot, on a thight deadline and I'd be feeling a lot of stress becouse my work would be progressing as much as I thought. I'd take a break and go on the internet to entertain myself. I'd come across some sort of image, banner or something that might make me start thinking about porn.
The ritual would begin if I focused on the image and started thinking about it. Fantasizing and thinking of seeking out some more similar stuff. I would have to create the break as soon I saw something is triggering me, like the image. And realize that I am in some serious imbalance. Likely not creating a break and fantasizing some morewould get me over the point of no return.
Initialy I would feel nervous, angry and frustrated. Probably at myself for being late, not working enough previuosly and getting myself in the stressfull situation. Engaging in a compulsive ritual would provide me some sort of temporary relief. An escape from the stress. Feeling in control of the situation and sort of good about myself. But after it I would just feel more anger at myself and guilt. And I would get myself back to the stress of work.
The best healthy response would be to take a longer break and call my partner about how I an feeling and how my work is going. I would get some optimism and comfort out of sharing my problems. Plus my mind could be cleared of all the frustration that was piling up and I could think more clearly later, instead of just supressing it.

plan
1. I would get in a major fight with my partner and separe for some days. I would get depresed angry with her for some reason. Maybe I would feel betrayed. I'd just start thinking for a way to get away from it.

I'd just go out, hanging with my friends or family. Possibly do some sports, so I'd get as much as energy out as I could. I can really imagine being angry or in a bad mood and doing some exciting sports and start feeling better as I get worked in. After it I would call my girlfriend ask her how she is doing and sharing how I feel.


Last edited by onTheRoad on Mon Oct 17, 2011 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:32 am 
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Huge mistake today.

I screwed up on the honesty and open communication. I had some sexual dreams over the past months, where I also orgasmed on a couple of occasions. I feels terible becouse I feel like I'm acting out but I dont really have any control over it and I'm letting myself down. I used to share it with my gilrfriend everytime it happened until she she said it's just making her sad everyday and I should keep it to myself. The dreams have gotten less frequent but they still happened and I came on one occasion. I didn't tell her about it until she asked me today. I told her about the dreams but I hesitated about the orgasm until she asked me like five times if that was all and accually had to drag it out of me. I guess I lost all of her trust all over again. It seemed to be so much simpler sharing it when it happened. I was just so ashamed of myself and afraid of how she will see me and I just froze up. I really love her and want to save our relationship and I know how important complete honesty is. I was totaly honest over the last months but now it seems I've sliped. I just feel terrible.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 12:37 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:58 am
Posts: 665
Hi onTheRoad,

You shouldn't feel bad about the sexual dreams. But, you did "slip" in terms of open and honest communication.

As you said, you have no control over sexual dreams and orgasm when you're sleeping. These will continue a bit, though I have found them to lessen as I have gotten healthier, and as I have ingrained healthy sexual values (I think it takes some time for this to penetrate into your subconscious).

The trouble with your situation is that your girlfriend told you not to share them with her. If that made you uncomfortable, you should speak up. For example:

Quote:
It seemed to be so much simpler sharing it when it happened. I was just so ashamed of myself and afraid of how she will see me and I just froze up. I really love her and want to save our relationship and I know how important complete honesty is.


Have you told her this? That you want to be open and honest about these things with her? This sounds like something that you need to discuss with her so that you have a clear idea of what her boundaries are, so that you're not confused. For example, if she really doesn't want you to tell her every time that you have sexual dreams, then that is her boundary and that is fine...but if that is the case, then she also can't be upset if you don't tell her, then she asks you about it and pulls it out of you, since that puts you in a no-win situation.

So this is something you both need to discuss to make sure you're clear. And of course, telling her might make her emotional...but, if she wants to know for the sake of openness and honesty, that is something she may have to accept for a bit. As well, you have to make sure that you are maintaining your sincerity and ensuring that your sexual dreams don't turn into objectified fantasies that you can control when you're awake.

Quote:
I guess I lost all of her trust all over again.


Well, not necessarily. It's perhaps a setback, but this is all-or-nothing thinking. Really, I think an open conversation about your boundaries as a couple on this issue could turn this event into something that moves you both forward.

:g:

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 9:32 am 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 48

Suppose I'am proficient with the skills, I did it trough the last week, but I'am going to continue practicing.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:20 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 50

Consequences of a healthy value based descision. First let's see the negative one. Thinking back the negative would be present in the descision not to act out, but also not to engage in a helathy activitiy. I think there would be growing stress and anxiety in me. Some sort of feeling of unfulfillment. But I don't really think the desciosion not to do anything is really healthy. A healthy descision to talk to someone I trust, my partner, engaging in sports or maybe seek socializing with frieds or family has tons of imediate positive consequences. There would be feelings of fullfilment, greater self esteem, social exceptance, being proud of myself. And that's just the emidate things. The cosequence of such a descision is better mood and a highten will to live at least troughtout the day. The feeling of acomplishement for doing something healthy for myself that will have benefits for me in the future. Knowing that I have not let myself or anybody else down.

Positive consequences of a descision to continue the ritual could be some inital stress relief, temporary escape from my problems. But that would just be some temporary things that would definetly not outweigh all the negative ones. Like greater feelings of hate and disgust towards myself, decreased self esteem, feelings of not fitting or deserving social company or exceptance. Letting myself and other, especialy my partner down. Causing pain to others. Greater emotional imbalance.

Long terms consequences of a descision to act out compulsively would mean losing touch with my values, loosing focus of a healthy life, telling myself that emotion based descions are natural ok, taking a step back from healthy life, letting of of my healthy life patterns, hating myself, feeling worthless, loosingn touch with my emotions , lying to myself, not thinking about my problems.

For a healthy descisions there would be a greater feeling of pride towards myself, greater self esteem, feelings of acomplishement for living healthy, engraining my healthy values, getting in touch with my values, expanding them, getting in touch with my emotions, feeling like a better person, someone who deserves to live and be loved, greater feelings of social exceptance and all the unforseable positive consequencest that would come from living a healthy productive life.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:19 am 
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My girlfriend went on a drink with her friends yesterday. I went tohang out with some of my fiends. I came to see them and then I saw they were watching a movie. It was a really fucked up movie, some latin western depicting various rape scenes, nudity and a naked young boy. I felt horrible. Everything was so violent that it really hurt me to the core. I felt horrible that I have ever enyojed sex in so depraved ways. I don't know why I haven't left as soon as I saw what kind of shit we are watching. But I stayed and continue to watch it. Seriously I was so disturbed, I think it turned me away from any kind of sexual acting more than anything. When my girlfriend was finished I went to pick her up and I told her what happened. To her watching this was the act of ultimate betrayal, she now hates me and the whole world more than anything. In her words she wants to destroy my life and then kill herself, and she'd take the whole world down if she could. She told me I'am the biggest monster in the world. I really did't think enough about her and how she'd feel about it. But for me this wasn't acting out. I didn't enoy what I saw, I was hurt and wanted to cry. I really love my girlfriend, she just means everything to me. A future life with her was the only reason I wanted to keep on living. And now that's gone.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 1:57 pm 
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Posts: 665
Hi onTheRoad,

Quote:
In her words she wants to destroy my life and then kill herself, and she'd take the whole world down if she could.


If she is being serious about this (as in, she is seriously talking about committing suicide), she needs help immediately. If you think she is actively a threat to herself (or you), call 911 or tell her to go to an emergency room. Or, tell her to call a crisis hotline. Get some help right now. You need to take both her safety and your own into account. Again, she sounds right now like she is angry and thinking irrationally, so you should take responsibility as the rational one, and get some help for her if you truly believe it is necessary.

Similarly, ask yourself if you are truly a danger to yourself. For example:

Quote:
A future life with her was the only reason I wanted to keep on living. And now that's gone.


If you yourself are actually thinking yourself of doing something drastic or harming yourself...please, get help immediately. Either 911, go to an emergency room, talk to a doctor or counsellor, or phone a crisis hotline. If, however, these are more just "feelings" of hopelessness, but you know you won't act on them, it is still important to get help but you don't need to do so immediately. It would be good to talk to a doctor/counsellor/friend/family member (ie. someone you can trust) soon to tell someone, in person, how you are feeling.

And, I would implore you...in times of struggle like this, go back to your life vision. Go back to your values. Use them to return yourself to emotional stability, then assess the situation rationally when you are not in crisis mode. I wouldn't even recommend analyzing this event to see where you could have made a different decision until you've stabilized your own life and ensured that she is not going to do something drastic.

You will get through this. I will come back to your thread whenever you're here next and help you assess the event that took place once you are in a more stable place.

FT

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 4:29 pm 
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Lesson 51

Ritual

1. I’d fell stress over something. A fight with my girlfriend, work pressure..
2. I’d think what I could do to make myself feel better, notion of porn, masturbation and drugs would come into mind.
3. Thinking about porn, masturbation, drugs.
4. Decided to watch porn, smoked a joint.
5. Watching porn, masturbating
6. Cleaning up.

I should weigh my options on point two. My options would be:
1. Start fantasizing about porn.
2. Mastrubating and fantasizing.
3. Getting high.
4. Getting high and masturbating.
5. Watching porn.
6. Watching porn and masturbating.
7. Getting high, watching porn and masturbating.
8. Calling my girlfriend and telling her about how I feel and that I experienced an urge.
9. Trying to forget about it and doing something else to distract me, like working out.
10. Calling somebody and going out to socialize.

All the options 2 to 7 would be automatically dismissed, because I know that any of these would hurt my partners feelings. I would not really be comfortable sharing them with her or should I say proud of them, but I would be prepared to do so. A value and boundary of not hurting her is too important to me. I really can’t see any value conflicts.

I don’t really see no 1 as a realistic option for the same reasons as the others but I’m going to asses it anyway.
Consequences

1.Start fantasizing
Decision to act
Temporary escape from problems, some emotional relief, guilt feelings of going back to porn life, not being strong enough, anxiety of my partner finding out, telling her.
Decision not to act
Pride in myself in dealing with my stress and problems in a healthy way, pride in making a value based decision, continued stress
Discovered
Shame, guilt, anger from partner, seeing my partners sadness for taking a step back, emotional chaos
Not discovered
Feeling like a failure, hating myself, shame

8.Calling my girlfriend and telling her about how I feel and that I experienced an urge.
Decision to act
Increased trust from my partner, step forward in communication with my partner, pride in making a good decision, feeling better from talking about my stress, happiness from knowing I have someone in my life who loves me
Decision not to act
Shame from not telling my partner of the urge, decreased communication, step back in openness, stress from hiding
Discovered
Doesn’t really apply
Not discovered
Doesn’t really apply

9.Trying to forget about it and doing something else to distract me, like working out.
Decision to act
Getting fitter, physically healthier, continued stress in the beginning, relief follows, pride in making a value based decision
Decision not to act
Continued stress or more stress, feelings of apathy, feelings of emptiness
Discovered
Pride form my partner
Not discovered

10.Calling somebody and going out to socialize.

Decision to act
Feeling better by having friends and/or family, feeling like I’m not alone in the world
Decision not to act
Feeling lonely, continued stress
Discovered
Anger from girlfriend and emotional chaos if I would be getting high or drunk with friends
Not discovered


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 4:15 pm 
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Posts: 168
Lesson 52

Isolating your emotions. As an example of such an event in my life the first thing that pops into my mind is doing extreme sports. I've done some snowboarding and motocross in my life. I can't say that I was really any good but I've jumped some relatively big airs in my life. When I was on top of the hill preparing to jump there were some heavy emotions going trough me, especially if I've never been on the jump before and/or it was the biggest in my life. The emotion was mostly fear of falling and hurting myself and maybe looking like a jackass in front of people. But the funny thing is that more fear you have the more likely you are to not making the jump. So when I was about to jump, I was nervous and hart was pounding, I acknowledged I had had fear, and I also knew I had to let it go. I said to myself, I'll just set it aside for a couple of minutes, just go for it and see what happens. Sometimes I made and sometimes I didn't. When I did make, the fear I experienced at the top didn't matter any more, because it was immediately replace by positive emotions like pride in myself. Even if I fell the fear from before didn't matter, but I had to manage the pain of falling. When I made it there was less fear the next time I went on the jump. If I fell there was a bit more. But it didn't matter, because the letting go of the fear got easier and easier the more I was jumping. I didn't really practice that much of it in the last years, probably because I got lazy and out of shape.
I hope I understood the lesson correctly..


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