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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
My girlfriend finally decided she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Changing the way I thought and acted and recovering was the easy part. I didn't have any major slips, but making amends and really appologizing that was the hard part. In my mind I think I made a lot of progress and opened up and talked a lot about all the tough parts, but my girlfriend really never saw any motivation from myself to try to really appologize and make her feel better. I thought I appologized a lot and we had some long conversations, but I guess they were always incomplete or forced by her. Any way if they didn't make her feel better they were mostly worthless. Still I feel bad when I thought we were accually making progress. I understand how I hurt her with my lack of motivation when she had to litterally drag me trough recovery and had to beg me to appologize to her. I didn't really get it. I am still totally confused. I was hoping we were going to make it and now it seems like it's all crashing down. I reallize I also haven't done the effort to make amends besides talking, were there were serious opportunities for action. Like I offered to cover up graffiti made by a person I really hurt my girlfried with and it is a major trigger for her. Guess what, it's been 14 days and I still didn't do anything about it. Now when she has to remind me about it, it doesn't really matter if I do it. It's the same with all the other things, like reminding me she needs my appoligies. I missed so many opportunities it's ridicules.

I know she also didn't see any real responisibility from me, like remembering to coock lunch, clean the appartment or get my hair cut. I realise I've been such a mess.

I don't feel sory for myself, I know I've really let her down, but I am really sad for the fact that I've hurt her so much and failed to really help her and made her life miserable.

This is just a warning to myslef and others in relationships. Stoping porn and "recovering" is the easy part. The real work just begins after that. Try to be a person pepole will be proud to be around and work hard and try to fix the mess you've done.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 11:05 am 
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I just have to write something. I dont know what to do. The relationship with my gf meant everything to me but I destroyed it. After the previous post it accually looked like we were going to make it. We had some talks and I really wanted to appologize but I was still hiding details about my addictions and the way I acted out especially details about how I abused my previous gf and my contact with child pornography. I was telling myself I was being honest but I know now it wasnt absolute honesty. It absolutely destroyed her this time. She was struglling to be with me and I realize it was based on me being honset. With the help of my therapist I came to the realization I have a fear that no one will ever love me. I have such a desire to be loved and becose of that I feared I will not be loved if I open up myself completely. So I lied and I know I was still clinging to dual identity. We agreed to be a team just a night before and I had real hopes. We came into an argument and although she was pushing me I decided I really want to clwar everything up. To her everything the night before and in the past year was just a manipualtion, but I feel like a small child totaly naked for the first time hoping to be loved. As she says everything doesnt revolve around me and I really should be completly honest from the begining but I was just so afraid and hiding behing lies and addiction afraid to show my feelings and vounrabilities. I know she has her limits and this totaly devasted her but I questikn myself was it really all a lie? Am I incapable of love, of emphaty of understanding others? I ve only now open up so we could make progress, but she just wants me dead. All the fears from my whole life came to be, fears of not being loved after bejng seen completly. But who am I to ask anyone to love me especially someone I ve hurt so much. I am really depresed right now. It doesnt make sense to keep living. I ve read my posts and I feel like more than a year ago. Have I realy made no progress?


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:02 pm 
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Posts: 1626
Hi onTheRoad,

Sorry to hear about your struggles -- remember, you can always ask for help on this board.

I know what it feels like to be extremely depressed and feel like life isn't worth living anymore. You should definitely talk to someone about these feelings -- your therapist, a friend or family member you trust (if possible), a doctor, etc. It feels better to talk this out.

As well, I should mention that, if you are having suicidal thoughts and believe that you may act on them, you need to get help immediately. Call a suicide hotline, go to an emergency room, talk to a counsellor, phone someone who you would trust with your safety -- you need to get face-to-face help in that case. Please, take care of yourself and your safety. Your life is worth it. There is always a way to deal with your problems, and there are always people who will help. If these are just feelings though, but you know that you won't act on them, it is still important to talk to someone as I mentioned, but it isn't crucial that you do so immediately.

Here are the numbers for some hotlines, in case you feel you need them:

Canada and USA - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK)
UK - Samaritans (08457 90 90 90, http://www.samaritans.org/)

Quote:
Am I incapable of love, of emphaty of understanding others?


Everyone is capable of love and empathy in understanding others...in fact, I believe that those who have overcome significant life circumstances like us can become MORE capable of developing empathy and compassion for other people, because we know what suffering feels like, so our desire to help others overcome their own issues can be even stronger. And, take heed at the fact that by overcoming your own struggles, you can give similar inspiration to others.

You deserve love as much as anyone else. There is good in you just as there is good in everyone. You have not made no progress. You have made progress...the fact that you continue to open up about some difficult things to discuss is a good sign. Do not worry about a year ago. You are where you are now. Go back to your vision and values to get yourself back on track in this difficult time.

Anyways, I would just like to direct you to one of Jon's writings regarding depression in recovery. I hope you find it inspiring.

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... covery.htm

:g:

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 8:32 am 
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Posts: 168
Hi, thanks for the reply and all the support.

I've talked to my therapist and he's been helping me a lot. I don't know if I have the strenght to talk to anybody else about all the troubles right now. Thanks for the hotlines too, but I'm from Europe and a country with one of the highest suicide rates in the world, so I know there are local resources available. I really appreciate your effort. I think I'll be ok for now. Jon's writings are soo true. I see I was mostly using the thoughts as a means to escape the pain and the consequences. Also for comforting myself by giving myself a sense of control, just by thinking about it. I know it's also a cry for help, hoping to feel like somebody cares about me. I feel really egocentric when writing this, as I realize how sorry I felt for myself. But this is also probably one of the hardest times in my life or the times I felt the worst. I just have so many regrets. All the pain I've caused and all the wrongdoing in my acting out and the opportunites I've wasted to make it better with my girlfried, to really recover and to help her heal. I know was fooling myself and her about my recovery. I just wanted a new life with her, but at the same time I feared so much she will reject me if I really open up. I know I've hurt her so much. It was so hard for her, but she too had hopes we were going to make, she just needed honesty. I feel so stupid, why couldn't I just open up and have trust in her. There was no way we were going to make it with the barriers I still had, no way I could really appologize and she couldn't forgive me with the open issues. I was afraid, I was a covard, I was still clinging to a dual identity, I wanted to make myself look better than I really was. I didn't share what was really troubling me and my struggles as I feared I will not be accepted. But hey I understand it would be her descision to accept me or not, a descision she could not make without me really shoving myself. It's hard not to hate myself. I was fooling myself that I am completly honest but to I was afraid to really be vounrable. I am really strungling the past few days with the old ways of dealing with my emotions, both with feelings of suicide and with thoughts of acting out and returnig to the path I am trying to get away from. It's really the hardest in more than a year and I need to dig hard not to fall back...


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 3:48 pm 
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Posts: 168
Ok. I have to evaluate the healthy recovery patterns too, to see where I am. As acting out I can see various acts of dishonesty. I know I was unable to let go of my addictive past and to really trust, so I know it's what is really keeping me in. It would be nice to just separate the addiciton from my personality, but I did some terrible things that haunt me and they have consequences. I was afraid of them, and therefore unwilling to accept the responsibility, meaning I wasn't really actively pursuing health, but was still staying in the past.

Doubts that I can change.. I don't think so. I do belive I have made some change, albeit not as much as I would have wanted to, but can still go on.
Right now I am having extreme emotions, just like in the lesson, depression when feeling like am a complete failure, no one will love me, constantly regreting the past, what I have lost, what I could have done, but failed. Anxiety as I am uncertain about the future, fearfull.. Hopelessness in thinking I have just failed too much in my life, did too many wrongs, too live a happy and fullfilling life, again I can never be loved, who would ever like me, let alone love me. As all of this seemed just too much I was playing with thoughts to just kill myself.
I know I was testing the waters in terms of honesty, where I was testing how much I would share. I was telling myself I was being honest, but at certain points I withhelt important information, or gave information that was confusing, still at other times, I was trying to be completely honest, in my mind praticing to let go. I realize how much damage I've done to my partner, as she trusted me I was on the right path.
Testing myself in triggers was done more than I would like to admit. In the last year it mostly consisted of me wanting to watch movies, play video games or go to web sites that had various degress og sexual themes.
I know all time I desired to be understood, my previous acting out, how my addiction started, what coused different types of actiong out. Now I desire to be understood, at least I want to understand myself why I was afraid to open up and to trust.
I probably feel "desperate" now to finaly recover and to make some sense of my life and god knows I want to fix the damage I've done.

God knows I wanted to be in actual recovery, but probably I mostly desired to apear to be in actual recovery, to both myself and my partner. I was measuring the descisions regarding to sex, porn and mastrubation and was fooling myself that it applies to my whole life and the descion making proces. But still I don't see everything as black or white and will investingate how much in actual recovery I have been.

If I was still hiding details about the immoral behaviours, I doubt that I was ready to let the past go and really focus to the future. I was telling myself that I am but at the same time I was afraid of the consuquences, afraid I would not be accepted, not loved, it wouldn't matter how much I better myself to really make a difference, to be acceptable.
For a long time, I just wanted to create the illusion of the life I want to be pround of. Or at least I've done stuff I believed was expected from me, insted of deriving motivation from myself. I think I was starting to get it lately but it was definetly fooling myself for soo long.
Thinking of honesty there was definetly a lot of thinking about what I can get away with, not all, as there were times I let it all go, where I have put my trust out there, but there were times where I thought about stuff that this is just too much.
I was trying to develop new patterns in my life to replace the old ones. I was working out for instance, waking up early. And lately I was really trying to organize my life better, working on a schedule, to manage my daily activites and recovery.
I was working hard on seeing relapse triggers as opportunities to make the right descisions and to really strenghten my values regarding sexuality. And I know I was getting a lot of value from making the right desciosions. Still in regarding honesty I know I was hiding stuff and that was tarring me appart.
There wasn't really any on spot sicerity as I was lying. At least I can think of the last time we started an argument with my partner. We were talking about something and I was thinking I really wanted to clear basically everything up, but I was also remembering I was hiding stuff. I was wavering to what I was prepared to share and my partner started to ask me questions, after some more cat and mouse game I anwsered some questions troughtfully, I realised I was hurting my partner terribly and depression set in and didn't see a future for myself it's only then I wanted to let it all go. So I can't really say I used my failures as learing opportunities, I was usually honest only after my partner found about something or was nervous and started to directly asking me questions, usually there was ann outpour of addmisions, but they were rarely complete as it started to get harder to remember what exactly I've been totaly honest about. I was really a fool, my partner usually tried to understand me and work with me, she just wanted to see me for who I am.. :(
I want to see myself now as a healthy person in the future, but if I am completly honest up until now I saw myself as an addict who tried to manage my life by ingraining healthy behaviour, at least some of it.
At least for the eppisodes I think I can see my life now as a process, even the recovery and the honesty, as time went on did manage to open myself more and more and was able to trust more. It was just all to slow, too late. I regret terribly how much I've hurt my partner by not telling her everything from the start...
I was able to admit my porn use and got rid of all the porn easly, but I was being dishonest about past relationships and was unwilling to let go of the relationships in a way of facebook contacts and phone numbers. What a fool I've been. I was fooling myself that it's not hurting anyone as I have no desire to pursue other relationships.
I have had emotional relapses as to how I've hurt my loved ones, usually right as I've seen my partners hurt, depression and helplessness was present and I was commited to make it up in healthy ways, but often failed to produce...

Thinking of the third group I realise I've been far from it, but I did see some of my past acting out as something unbelivable as it has been hard to imagine to recive pleasure from such situations. To put aside everything, to not think of the consequnces to myself and to others. It would just hurt me to be involved with such past behaviours.

I was fooling myself how far I've been in recovery and it's a bit demoralizing to reevalute myself and see that I am still so early in recovery, but I understand that I was fooling myself and to find ways to make myself appear beeter, more healthy. In this evaluation I did try to find all the worst beahviours, be really honest to myself and not look to where I am able to appear beeter, but where I am not.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 4:49 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
Posts: 1626
Hi onTheRoad,

Good to see you are hanging in there. It is also good that you have honestly assessed yourself to figure out where you are.

Now, move on.

The reason I say this is because, in doing assessment of yourself (which is a good thing), it can also be possible that, if this goes on too long, "assessing" can be used as a further distraction to avoid making choices for your life and advancing in your recovery. This is easy to do, as it is comforting to assess where you are. However, what you don't want is to allow this assessment to keep your mind further mired in the past, frustrated at what you didn't do, what you did wrong, the opportunities that were missed, etc. What this can actually do is cause you to become overwhelmed by guilt and shame, and send you straight back into the compulsive behaviours you are trying to end. Which is why I say, assessment is important particularly at the stage you're at. But don't dwell on it.

The past is past. You are where you are. What is most important now is to figure out where you are going, both in the present moment and in your future.

So, go back to your vision, values, and action plans. Hell, start the whole workshop over again. But again, don't do this because I said it. Do it only if you want (choose) to challenge yourself to find who you really are. If your motivation has changed (which I'm guessing it has, given that you mentioned that you previously felt forced and were doing it to save your relationship)...you will see the entire workshop in a completely different light.

Quote:
It's here I've tried to make myself look better. I don't really know why, I can't understand it.


The minimization, the deception, the "trying to make yourself look better": this all comes down to emotional immaturity. I still struggle with trying to make myself look better on occasion now, though it is progressively getting easier. But this is something you will work on, should you sincerely go through the workshop.

Quote:
Right now, I really don't know what I want from myself, besides fixing myself and doing some sort of amends for real.


What I have found in my own recovery is: I really DID know what I wanted for myself...but I had so many ongoing negative thoughts and delusions about myself and my life, that I felt like to actually live how I thought I'd want to felt like an impossible dream.

But as I have recovered and regained control of my life....I have found that many of the things I like and care about, were the same then as they were now. It was my addiction and delusional thinking that was in the way, not my inability to do those things.

So, allow yourself to dream. Write out a vision of a life that you think would make you happy...even if attaining such a life at the moment feels impossible. Then, start working towards it, realizing that everything between you and the actualization of that life is merely an obstacle (95% of which are mental).

Quote:
I don't think I've jumped from addiction to addiction, but I was just more or less pilling them up..


I always caution people not to think of addiction in this way. Thinking of addictions as "piling up" isn't accurate. What you have is one addiction, driven by a number of core beliefs, that can manifest itself in any number of behavioural patterns that give you immediate emotional stimulation. Whether it is food, gambling, sex, alcohol, etc....those are just the symptoms. The core patterns are the same. Only focus on the symptoms and what is typical is people will start getting that gratification from other sources. Rebuild your life and rip out the roots of the addiction, and the whole thing will vanish...and you will just be left with your life.

Quote:
I was fooling myself how far I've been in recovery and it's a bit demoralizing to reevalute myself and see that I am still so early in recovery, but I understand that I was fooling myself and to find ways to make myself appear beeter, more healthy.


This all has to do with your motivation and sincerity. For those who are in recovery to appease others, feel forced into it, are trying to save a relationship or give the appearance of change...they will never leave early recovery. So, having mentioned your motivation before, this is not surprising. On the other hand, for those who are truly motivated to change themselves, they can move past early recovery in a matter of weeks.

The fact that you are still here indicates that you really do want to change, even though you are struggling or are not sure if you really can change. This is an okay place to be. For me, true recovery started when I realized that no matter what happened, I would do whatever it took to end my addiction, no matter what happened to me. So, it's understandable to feel demoralized, but at the same time, you have self-awareness of your situation now, and the will. As Jon said in the Depression lesson, consider your past "dead" and feel rejuvenated at the life that you can create for yourself ahead.

The best way to take responsibility for what you have done is to truly change.

:g:

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 8:15 am 
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Posts: 168
Again, thanks for the support.

I know everyone in recovery is telling me to let go of the past, the regrets, the shame, but I must admit I am having a really hard time doing so. I've continued to do the same mistakes of hiding myself for the past year and my biggest regret is not commiting to recovery like I should have. I kept making new mistakes and therefore having new regrets..

But you are right, I am going to go trough the lessons again, if nothing else I can examine everything in more depth. Who knows I might not change anything on some and expand hugely on ohers.

Here it goes. Again. Lesson 1

A)
1.Actively commiting myself to change. I've told myself before, countless times how commited I am to change and I kept myself from changing by holding on to the past. I am just fed up by it. I don't want to be assosiated with this addiction any more and really want it out of my life.
I am really doubting myself lately. On everything. I don't even know why I want to recovery any more. Maybe I am still hoping to make a relationship work. Maybe I just want to prove to myself and others, I can make it. I do realize I haven't changed, so far, at least not as I would have wanted to. I just don't want it anymore. The shame, the pain, the loneliness.
2.Guilt and shame. Tricky. It's hard to let it go. I think I've been using it to feel misserable, to show myself how sorry I am, to punish myself. I understand it creates more instability in life, so I am going try to just find the strenght in living better life and being pround of the changes. I've used it a lot to hide. To hide my true emotions, my true self. I see now it has been helping me maintain a mask, a distance.
3.I think I was giving myself too much time in the past and therefore haven't commited enough. I will give myself no time to be dishonest, but I will work on myself as it goes.

B)
I don't want to hurt others anymore.
I don't want to hurt myself.
I want to let go of my past and live a new life not defined by adddicion.
I want to clear everything up, and not be troubled by addiction. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I want to be proud of myself.
I want to right the wrongs I've done both to myself and others. I want to love and be loved.
I want to feel like I deserve to be loved. I want to be sexual without being worried if I am hurting others or destroying myself.
I want to exept myself.
I want to have confidence in myself and my sexuality.
I don't want to be afraid of my past anymore.
I want to get to know myself
I want to learn to be open, honest
I want control over my sexuality

c) Thinking of myself as I child I feel sory for myself. I didn't understand the problems and the hurts of life. I trusted everyone. I belived everyone was there to help me. I belived I will always be good to everybody...
So early I came into contact with the wrong sexual messages, pornography and experimentation. I know it marked me for the rest of my life. I was filled with shame, for much of my childhood, and most of my life accually. I was really anti social. I didn't trust anybody. I was afraid to speak to anyone. I was just telling myself that I am shy and hoped to overcome it. I stared watching pornogphy very heavily really soon, mastrubating compulsively too. It has really shaped the development of my values. I was unable to connect sexuality and love. By the time I was twenty I belived I need to be sexual with girls. I was ashamed of my porn use and belied it was limiting my self esteem with women. So I tried to limit it. I started having sex with women. I know now how much I was just using them at the time. My misguided values were telling me that it's something I should be doing. That it's something sort of respectable. It will give me self esteem. My twisted values were really destroying my chances of quality relationships. I saw the wrong women as good and the really good ones as bad. I was abusing the women in the relationships more and more. To the point I took advantage of an ex in her sleep. I also stated using porn on a grander scale. All of the time I tried to hide everything, from myself and from everyone else. Constantly fearing that someone might find out about everything. Even as I was recovering, I was afraid to admit the details of my addiciton, as I was so afraid of my past, that it really destroyed the relationhip with my partner, who belived in my and tried to accept my for who I am.


I finally went about doing this lesson right. I went and found a picture of myself around my fourth birthday. The first moments I saw the pictures I couldn't recognize myself. Who is this kid? I looked completly different. I was blonde for starters. I got so dissconnected with my emotions and my younger self it felt like the picture of a completly different person. I feel like I was happy back then, at least way more than the years that followed. There wes innocence in me and I feel like I've lost it soo soon. I am so sorry for the child, what has it become of him. He still seems open, like he wouldn't hurt a fly. Why hasn't anyone taken care of him, so he wouldn't turn on the wrong path so early in life, seems like I've striped myself of the innocence in so short years to come. Still I see fear and confusion in the eyes, not really happines, like he doesn't know what is happening, is afraid of the world. I scared for the child, afraid of what is happenig to him and afraid of his future. My hard is pounding and I am on the werge of weeping. I want to helo him so much..


Last edited by onTheRoad on Mon Oct 01, 2012 10:56 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:11 pm 
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Vision

First of all I will be free. Free to share myself, free of guilt and shame. I will have trust in myself and in my descisions. I will chalenge myself by doing the hard things in life and speaking about the hard things I have done. I will open myself by being honest to myself and to those close to me. Especially about the important things. I will open my heart, so I am able to give and recive love.

If I am in a relatioship I will show myself with all my faults. I will take pride in being loved for who I am. I will work on accepting and loving myself. I will cherish my partner for the person she is and I will cherish myself. I will not let secrecy destroy me any more. My partner will always be the one who is the most important to me, I will respect her, her values and desciosions.

I will always work on completing my obligations, at work and the promises I make. I will take pride in getting the job done well. I will chalenge myself by always learing new things and being as creative as I can be, exploring new posibilities of creativity and I will try to make things for myself and for others.

I will cherish my body by getting and staying fit. I will do so by working out and eating right. I will do good to the pepole that are close to me, the true friends and family. Helping them, going to them for help and sharing my troubles and desires with them. I will respect them for who they are and respect their oppinions.

too ideialistical???


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:05 pm 
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I wouldn't say that it's too idealistic...it's realistic...but I would say that it's lacking in specifics. When you read someone's vision, you should get a sense of that person as a unique individual...what specific things they're dedicated to in their life.

For what you've got here, anyone could have written that vision...know what I mean? What you want is a vision that's practical, measurable, specific, and personal. You want to remove as much vagueness and ambiguity as possible. For example:

Quote:
I will always work on completing my obligations, at work and the promises I make. I will take pride in getting the job done well.


What do you want to do for work? What are your career plans/goals?

Quote:
I will chalenge myself by always learing new things and being as creative as I can be, exploring new posibilities of creativity and I will try to make things for myself and for others.


What new things to do you want to learn? How do you want to be creative? There are a million different ways...painting, acting, writing, playing music, etc. This is where you lay out your passions and what you like to do. What kind of things do you want to make for yourself and others? There is a huge difference, for example, in saying "I will try to make things" and "I want to learn woodworking and build violins in my garage." Or whatever. The point here isn't what the specifics are...that's for you to decide. The point is that you have specifics, so that you can decide what you want to focus your life on and what you want to do to find meaning in your life.

A list of things people usually touch on in their vision: family, friendships, career plans, religion, health, relationships, hobbies, travel desires, religious beliefs (if any), goals, dreams, etc. Not that you need to include all these things, but you should strike a balance. What you want to do is give yourself something to go off of.

Now, as Jon said in the lesson, it's very common to still have a "but I really don't know!" feeling. But I'm convinced through my own recovery that you do. You know what you are really interested in and passionate about. You know what you care about. And I don't mean people, like your former partner; I mean things that you care about doing. Most likely, it just feels like you will never be able to live that way (all-or-nothing thinking). So as I said before: just write your vision to include the things that you think would make you happy, then work your way there. Start with a few things that you know you care about. For me, I started with meditation and my Zen practice, which even in my toughest time I knew meant something to me. From there, all my other values have spiralled outwards. You must choose what is meaningful to you. And again, I'm convinced that you know.

Hope that helps. :g:

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 12:15 pm 
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Yeah, you are right I always do the same thing. It's not that I don't know what I want in my life, I know it extactly, I just probabily didn't dare to share myself too much. And it's what I want to be working on. :(

Vision

First of all I will be free. Free to share myself, free of guilt and shame. I will have trust in myself and in my descisions. I will chalenge myself by doing the hard things in life and speaking about the hard things I have done. I will open myself by being honest to myself and to those close to me. Especially about the important things. I will open my heart, so I am able to give and recive love. What was always troubling me is that I wasn't able to share myself with others and I built walls around myself. Now I will do the scary thing of sharing my past my present and my future with pepole. I will question myself what is write and do and say what I think it's right. If others will accept me or not it's their own descision. It's scary becouse I always wanted to appease others, at least on the outside.

If I am in a relatioship I will show myself with all my faults. I will take pride in being loved for who I am. I will work on accepting and loving myself. I will cherish my partner for the person she is and I will cherish myself. I will not let secrecy destroy me any more. My partner will always be the one who is the most important to me, I will respect her, her values and desciosions. I just want to say that I will put my troust into partnerships, let myself go, let my partner be herself and not try to control everything.

I will always work on completing my obligations, at work and the promises I make. I will take pride in getting the job done well. I will chalenge myself by always learing new things and being as creative as I can be, exploring new posibilities of creativity and I will try to make things for myself and for others. I will be a software developer now, working on becoming a project manager in the future. I will try to learn development on my platforms like mobile and games. I would really like to get more familiar with game development. Both coding and art. I would really like to get more familiar with 3d modeling. I understand these are extensive fields to master, so I will try to find the time, probabilty it's going to be hard in the near future with the recovery work and me working on finaly graduating from colledge but afterwards it's game on. I would really like to build practical things too, like furniture or working on a house.

I will cherish my body by getting and staying fit. I will do so by working out and eating right. I will work out to be in control of my body and fit enough to do the sports I like for the years to come. Sports like skateboarding, snowboarding and motocross.

I will do good to the pepole that are close to me, the true friends and family. Helping them, going to them for help and sharing my troubles and desires with them. I will respect them for who they are and respect their oppinions. I just want reall realationships, based on honesty where there is sharing and having stuff to talk about not just avoiding issues and talking about BS. There are some friends I would like to connect to more, and I would like to get closer to my parents and family and get some sort of relationship going that's based on mutual respect.


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 12:26 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
Posts: 1626
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"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 1:59 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Prioritized values

5)Being someone I can be proud of
12)Getting in touch with my emotions
41)Honesty
85)Getting out
81)Working out
65)Getting the job done
38)Being in control of my life
71)Learning
10)Making amends
31)Courage
56)Love
2)Making my own value based descisions
90)Strenghtening the relationships I cherish
25)Opening up
46)Respect
35)Not fearing the future
9)Working on myself, my problems
79)Loving myself
50)Thinking of others
1)Freedom
16)Recognizing emotions in myself
7)Judging myself by my actions
96)Waking up early
11)Feeling emotions
6)Making descisions I am not afraid or ashamed to share
88)Getting to know friends
3)Not submiting to others to make descisions
33)Tearing down walls
69)Finishing colledge
42)Not keeping secrects
80)No objectifiying others
51)Thinking of consequences of my desciosions on others
47)No lying or excuses for myself
8)Showing myself. Not hiding behind shame.
21)Sharing emotions
32)Doing what makes me scared
95)Being productive
4)Self respect
13)Feeling and not suppressing emotions
14)Learning about emotions
27)Sharing my problems, faults
66)Making plans
15)Learning about how I feel the emotions
17)Recognizing emotions in others
18)Getting in touch with suppresed emotions
20)Not being afraid of my emotions
44)No half troughts
53)Keeping my word. To others and to self
34)Seeking contact and intimacy
23)Letting others know how I feel
22)Showing emotions
86)Friendship
84)Doing fun sports
82)Eating healthy
24)Letting others know how I percive their emotions
30)Showing myself
83)Not getting fat
67)Letting others make their own descisions
26)Speaking my mind
28)Sharing my past
54)Finding good in others
36)Not fearing myself
37)Not fearing others
39)Understanding my emotions
40)Making desciosions on what is right, not on what the consequences for me might be.
43)No ommisions
45)Preparing when I have something to share
48)Better jusdge of character
49)Giving respect
52)Helping others
29)Sharing my likes and dislikes
55)Rasing self esteem of others
57)Learing of love
58)Expressing love
59)Showing my love to everyone
60)Sharing good things I find about pepole.
61)Enjoying company
62)Not judging loved ones
63)Accepting others
64)Work
68)Quality
19)Resolving suppresed emotions
70)Expand my knowledge in software development, game development and 3d modeling
74)Fixing my sexuality
75)Understanding my sexuality
76)Learning about healthy sexuality
77)Develping healthy sexual values
78)Connecting love and sexuality
87)Recognizing firends
91)Getting to know my family
92)Strenghtening relationship with my family
93)Respecting family
89)Getting rid of the empty friendships
97)Working on troubles.
72)Making a video game
94)Sharing my sexuality
73)Learning carpetry


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 3:43 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
5)Being someone I can be proud of
12)Getting in touch with my emotions
41)Being absolutely honest to myself and others, learn about my dishonesty and how to change it
85)Getting outside, go on walks, run or do outside sports
90)Strenghtening the relationships I cherish
81)Getting fit
65)Being responsible, Getting the job done, remembering my obligations, work, chores, paying bills
74)Building a healthy sexuality
69)Finishing colledge
70)Expand my knowledge in software development, game development and 3d modeling
2)Making my own value based descisions
64)Work, doing what I set myself to do and with quality
72)Making a video game, or another software project of my own
32)Loosing fear, Doing what makes me scared
33)Tearing down walls, learning about myself and how to open up
88)Getting closer to friends

Taking control, not just going with the flow
Not letting others influence my descisions
Not taking the easy way out
Being healhty
Not destroying myself
Not seeking shortcuts
Not doing hard drugs
Not taking advantage of others
Not taking others for granted
46)Respecting others
78)Connecting love and sexuality
35)Not fearing the future
79)Loving myself
10)Making amends
57)Learing of love
1)Freedom
95)Being productive
7)Judging myself by my actions
96)Waking up early
25)Opening up
11)Feeling emotions
50)Thinking of others
6)Making descisions I am not afraid or ashamed to share
56)Love
3)Not submiting to others to make descisions
16)Recognizing emotions in myself
33)Tearing down walls
42)Not keeping secrects
80)No objectifiying others
31)Courage
51)Thinking of consequences of my descisions on others
47)No lying or excuses for myself
8)Showing myself. Not hiding behind shame.
21)Sharing emotions
18)Getting in touch with my suppresed emotions
9)Working on myself, my problems, therapy
38)Being in control of my life, knowing what I want and making shure I get it done
4)Self respect
13)Feeling and not suppressing emotions
14)Learning about emotions
27)Sharing my problems, faults
77)Developing healthy sexual values
15)Learning about how I feel the emotions
71)Learning
17)Recognizing emotions in others
20)Not being afraid of my emotions
44)No half troughts
53)Keeping my word. To others and to self
34)Seeking contact and intimacy
23)Letting others know how I feel
22)Showing emotions
86)Friendship
84)Doing fun sports
82)Eating healthy
24)Letting others know how I percive their emotions
30)Showing myself
83)Not getting fat
67)Letting others make their own descisions
26)Speaking my mind
28)Sharing my past
54)Finding good in others
36)Not fearing myself
37)Not fearing others
39)Understanding my emotions
40)Making descisions on what is right, not on what the consequences for me might be.
43)No ommisions
45)Preparing when I have something to share
48)Better jusdge of character
49)Giving respect
52)Helping others
29)Sharing my likes and dislikes
55)Rasing self esteem of others
58)Expressing love
59)Showing my love to the pepole I love
60)Sharing good things I find about pepole.
61)Enjoying company
62)Not judging loved ones
63)Accepting others
68)Quality
19)Resolving suppresed emotions
75)Understanding my sexuality
76)Learning about healthy sexuality
87)Recognizing friends
91)Getting to know my family
92)Strenghtening relationship with my family
89)Getting rid of the pepole that might just use me
97)Working on troubles.
72)Making a video game
94)Sharing my sexuality
73)Learning practical skills, like carpentry, leatherwork..


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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 2:20 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Getting fit
-Work out every day
-Do not eat too much carbs and fatty foods
-Realize when you are under stress and work out insted of resolving to junk food
-Realize that there are going to be times when you will not manage to work out
-Realize that you will be pressured into eating unhealthy, like with your parents
-Express your desire to eat healthy and be active to the pepole around you
-Make a plan for your work out routine
-Eat regulary during the day
-Eat many small meals
-Eat calmly and chew your food
-Do cardio workouts
-Relalize that there are going to be times when you will not feel like working out, try to push trough
-Love your body
-Motivate yourself
-Drink plenty of water
-wake up early
-Don't eat late at night
-Go to bed at a reasonable time
-Try to be active, don't sit all day long


Finishing coledge
-Find time between work and recovery
-Do the interviews
-Go trough what you've written and check spelling and style
-Remind yourself you want to finish and get it over with
-Go trough your interview plan
-Get the pepole together for the interviews
-Don't tell yourself you don't have the time

Getting outside, go on walks, run or do outside sports
-Go for a run or a bicycle ride insted of working out inside
-Take the dog for a walk
-Go on a hike to a hill
-Go ride your bike
-Get together with friends to do sports
-Go skateboarding
-If working for a long time go for a walk to clear your head
-Relax
-Enjoy the nature
-don't look for excuses to stay inside

Making a video game, or another software project of my own
-Finish colledge first
-When bored, don't just watch tv or play video games, think of ideas
-Validate each idea
-Stick with something very simple
-Do it if it is feasable
-Make a plan for making it
-Research competition
-Realise that all ideas might not be great
-Realise that there might be lack of ideas
-Realise that there might be limited time
-Do not put prioritize over recovery, work or colledge


Getting closer to friends
-Find actvities that you could bond over
-Think who your real friends are
-Think you you want for a friend
-Talk about important things
-Realise that friends might not always have time
-Realise that you might not always have time for them
-Be yourself with everybody, don't let them skew your values or influence your descisions


Making my own value based descisions
-Find my own values
-Recognize when it is a time to make a descision
-Realise that you are making a descision
-Think about the values that go into that descision
-Think about who else will be affected by your descision
-Think about who might have positive or negative consequnces of your descision
-Think about who might want to pressure you into making a specific descision
-Think if somebody is pressuring you into a descision
-Think if you want to appease someone and who with it
-Make the descision on what is good for you and the ones you love

Loosing fear, Doing what makes me scared
-Recognizing when I feel fear
-Try to understand what it is that frightens you
-See what you might gain if you overcome the fear
-See what you might loose and understand the fear better.
-Remeber the feeling of doing something scary and triumphing


Work, doing what I set myself to do and with quality
-Put effort into whatever I am doing
-Stop looking for excuses, for not doing something or doing it poorly
-My biggest problem was always loosing focus and lack of motivation
-I need to get some sort of grasp on planing things, I always had some sort of dislike of planing, thinking I am better than it
-Get a grasp on planing things, learn it, make plans, get an app for it, something
-Make shure you follow the plana dn finish it
-Make a realist plan, realise that it won't always go according to it
-Break the plan down
-Realise you need it
-Don't get discouradged if it doesn't happen like you pictured it
-Change the plan if necessary
-Make shure you do the best that you can
-Put these values and recovery into a planing app




Building a healthy sexuality
-First I need to learn about my existing sexuality/addiction
-Come to terms with the life I've led and be focused on changing it
-Learn about healthy sexuality, I know there are books and articles
-I had no grasp on what healthy sexuality was ever, in all my acting out I thought I was more or less "normal", so I never knew what healthy was, I think I still don't understand
-Set up healthy sexual values and boundaries
-Being sexual in a way I can be proud of, share without shame
-I realize I will probably still struggle with unhealthy sexual thoughts or. some remnants from my addiction
-commiting myself to abstinence until I get a grasp
-be honest about my sexuality
-I am struggling with the thought if I even deserve any kind of sexuality



Expand my knowledge in software development, game development and 3d modeling
-Feel like it's going to be hard to fine the time, with all the other stuff in my life right now, but it really is an area in my life I want to pursue, so at least in the near future I am going to try to better myself at it
-Take courses, like online lessons
-I am going to think about formal education in the area, I can't commit myself right now, but I would like the recognition that formal education provides
-I think I learn the quickest by just doing a project or something
-I remembered I have a bunch of lessons in my hard drive, would like to finish them at some point, but right now there just seems to not be any tim
-I know what I want, model, texture and animate a 3d model in blender, control in in Unity3d, simple plan
-For a project I would need to get some help, but first I should get familiar with the tools more.


Getting in touch with my emotions
-Allow yourself to feel, even if the emotions you are expiriencing are unpleasant
-Recognize how you ecpirience a certain emotion
-Do not be afraid of your emotions
-Try to understand how you avoided emotions in the past
-Realize that it might feel unpleasant at times
-Share your emotions and what you are feeling with others if possible
-Try to understand that your emotions might not be approved by others
-Try to understand why you feel a certain emotion
-Do not try to ignore emotions


Being absolutely honest to myself and others, learn about my dishonesty and how to change it
-Think about what you might gain from being dishones
-Think of waht you might gain from being honest
-Think about how your honesty and dishonesty might affect others
-Try to understand your thought processes in honesty and dishonest
-Think about where your dishonesty has gotten you
-When making a descision ask yourself if you are prepared to be totaly honest about it
-When sharing maku shure you share everything
-If you are realize that you were dishonest go back and fix it
-If something is hountig you, you know that it is something you need to share
-Find situations where you can actively share
-Think about who are you being honest for
-Think about who do you want to decive


Strenghtening the relationships I cherish
-Recognize the relationships I want to cherish
-Recognize how I've hurt the relationships I cherished in the past
-Find a way to amend the damage you've done
-Realize that it may not be possible to fix the damage you've done
-Think of how my descisions will affect the relationships
-Recognize what I can do that will improve the relationship
-Be totaly honest in the relationship
-Realize that it's not just up to you to make the realtionship work and that the realationship might fail
-Find meaningfull oppurtunities to connect and enoy company


Last edited by onTheRoad on Sat Oct 20, 2012 9:08 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: on the road thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 4:02 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 12:58 pm
Posts: 168
Lesson 10

Items: At this time I can only think of my mind the images I can't get out.

People:
-Every person in the porn I've watched
-Every girl I've beasicaly been with, I've used for sex in some way
-S: she's been with me trough some very hard times and I've used her in so many ways. At first I was using her for sex. I didn't commit to a relationship with her, constantly looking for faults in her, thinking of every other woman as being better than herm, fantasizing about them, at the same time I wanted to get more and more form her sexualy, never devoting emotions to her. After she found out about my problems, she continued to stay with me, I was still lying to her, keeping secrets, having sex with her and fantisizing about other things. As she struggled to build some sort of sexuality for her I failed to put effort to making it work and being honest, blaming her for the troubles.
V:Former girlfriend, took advantage of her multiple times when she was asleep
Z:Obsessed and fantasized about her

Places:
-Home room: porn, masturbation, sex with various girls
-Colledge room: porn, masturbation, sex with various girls, took advantage of V
-Vacation houses: masturbation, sex with various girls, took advantage of V
-Car: porn, masturbation, sex
-Woods:masturbation, when I was a child
-Gradparents farm:masturbation, when I was a child
-Varius bars: looked for girls, just wanted to get sex
-Internet:porn
-Uncles room:porn when I was younger


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