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PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Well, as I write this I should be in a hotel in Europe, but we discovered yesterday that my non EU passport has less than 6 months to exipry...so that caused a certain amount of stress and grief that could have been avoided if I had checked a month or so ago... So for a while it was all my fault etc etc (fair comment I guess) and created plenty of drama. So, the upshot is that my wife has gone away for the weekend to catch up with our friends and on Monday I try and work out an express replacement passport so that I can catch up with them in a couple of week's time! Not the best way to start the weekend and I'm disappointed as I was really looking forward to the trip. One positive thing out of it though, after all the wailing and gnashing of teeth, we were called last night by another friend who is passing through London on his honeymoon and is only free on Sunday, so at least I'll get to catch up with them! Some positive karma or good coincidence or something like that I guess...

Anyway, it is beholden upon me to use this weekend as a positive test or example of how I can and should act, rather than using it as an excuse to feel abandoned or put upon or anything negative and use that as justification for acting out in any way. I know I can stay safe and sober, I just need to demonstrate it to myself and not cheat or lie to myself - that's pointless and stupid activity. Anyway, this afternoon I've tried to be as poductive and effective as possible and I've cleared most of the chores off the weekend list already. I just need to carry on through until Monday evening and think and act positive and I'll be all OK. I've got people I can call on in need and I know my wife will be checking in with me regularly, so I've lots of incentive to do the right thing and also lots of 'checks and balances' to keep me safe as well.

I have to remember how lucky and fortunate I am to have a wife who loves me despite the pain and hurt that I have caused her and how tense I can still make her feel. She is an amazing and special person and I'm so so lucky to be with her. I don't appreciate her enough and I know that I will miss her tonight when things settle down and evening closes in. I know she misses me too and that's a really special feeling now I realise. It's still difficult for me to accept this at times, but I'm trying to deal with it better as time goes on.

So I'll keep focussing on positive things and work on doing my best for the next two days!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:40 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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So, last weekend had it's challenging moments for me and I did feel a bit stressed and uncomfortable, but I survived, the house didn't burn down, the cats were fed & watered and things went OK overall, so that has to be a positive I guess!

Since then it's been a 'full on' sort of week with it's share of stresses from work and a little from home and I've had the underlying concern about not being able to sort out my passport to allow us to go away again next weekend, but (hopefully) that's all resolved now and I'll have the new one in my hands early next week. Once it was all sorted I felt a certain amount of relief, but as I headed home I felt a headache coming on and I realise that I've been operating with this as an underlying concern for the last few days and that it's been affecting me more than I realised. I know now that it will all pass and I'll be OK (assuming Royal Mail does their job) but it's taken me all week to properly acknowledge the situation. I'm so grateful to my work that I could have the afternoon off on the last day of the month to get this done and that my wife could help and support me on this and that we had the funds to cover it as well. It could have been very difficult otherwise...

So, I need to reward them with my honesty and by continuing to do my best. I'm looking forward now to a peaceful and relaxed evening and some better sleep than I've had in this last week. I do need it!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 12:58 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Well, it's been a little while since I've logged back in, so taking time out now to catch up with things. I did get my passport sorted and I did get to go away last week, so that was all fine. The trip was good - nice to get out travelling again, but it did suffer a little in that both my wife and I were feeling a little under the weather with head colds/virus type of thing and for various reasons we hadn't been able to put in much planning for the trip, so things were a bit disjointed and didn't go as smoothly as they could have. Still we got to have some time away and see some sights and meet up with firends so that was all OK. It does highlight to me that when I'm not fit and on the ball, then I do struggle with addicitve/distracting thoughts and that feeds into things like poor sleep patterns and it seems to roll on the behaviour. Getting back to work and back to a more normal state of health and things seem to get a lot easier generally - I sleep better and usually handle situations in a better, healthier way. Overall though I've not been as good and strong and healthy as I would like the last few weeks and that needs to impove right now, so glad to have this chance to sit down and write and think about things.

I guess my main issue now is with fantasy and my mind trying to find outlets for the addicitve behaviour, so I'm not good at the moment with my internal dialogue and shutting things down. I'm being too slow at this and letting things run on for too long. OK, I can say I've been unwell and I've been busy etc etc, but in reality there is no excuse and I've got to keep in mind the fact that behaviour like this only leads me down a path of trouble and strife, which I do not want at all! It's not something that has no consequence if it just stays in my head, it has consequences for all sorts of other aspects of my behaviour and mental acuity, so every negative action has a cost, a price, a consequence. Right now it feels uncomfortable typing this and acknowledging this, so that means that I needed to do this and to take the time out in my life to take stock of where I am at and the direction I have been heading and make adjustments accordingly.

I have been trying all this Easter weekend to be positive, relaxed, calm and productive and it's gone pretty well overall, but I know I can improve and do better, so for tomorrow that needs to be my goal, my aim. I'm very lucky and I've had a nice time and been very fortunate, so no need to damage or destroy anything!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:13 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Well, today has been one of those days when I've not been able to do anything right...great way to finish off the Easter weekend! It started last night I think, but I'm not totally sure why and how as when I think through things I can't see any particular thing that I said or action that I took, but hey ho, we carry on and try and do our best and stay calm and stable and let my wife work through things. I've tried to be helpful and supportive and not make too many blunders, but it doesn't seem to have had much effect, so I'll just keep on trying to do my best and look after myself keep safe and healthy and try to make small progress along the way. Things are not as bad as they might be and a whole lot better than they could be, so things are as positive as I make them out to be at this time. I have my health, I have a roof over my head and I have some nice things around me, so life is not that bad overall!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:05 pm 
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Time marches on yet again. Life seems to be rather full and busy and when there is any quiet time or downtime, we seem to collapse and concentrate mainly on catching up with rest, so I've not taken time out to get back to RN, so here I am to rectify that now. It's been a few days of ups and downs and stresses at times, but I'm still here and moving forward as best I can, so have to be grateful for that! I've had a recent diagnosis of Sinusitis which explains (hopefully) why I've not been quite right healthwise for a little while now, so hopefully with the course of antibiotics I'm on now, that will clear things up and I'll be free of the annoyance of the head cold/hay fever type feeling that's been hanging around for a couple on months. I wonder now if it's in some way tied in with not taking enough time out to relax and look after myself, but I don't know for sure. I'm trying to eat healthy, keep active and get good rest, but something has been bumping around in my system for a while now that I've not cleared out properly. It must pass soon, hopefully as we get warmer and better weather.

Otherwise trying to keep my nose clean. A female colleague at work is leaving and has invited a small number of us for drinks on her last day, and that put me in a quandry. The addict side of me could get very attracted to her and put me in a very bad place, especially when she has said things like we must catch up after she leaves etc etc, so I am struggling with what level to tell her about my past life and how I can't go for drinks with her, even in a small group, and that it would be very bad for me to do so and to keep open any lines of communication once she leaves. In my heart I know I have to keep it professional and open and honest and not compromise my relationship with my wife in any way, but how far I need to describe and explain things to my soon to be ex colleague I really don't know. A quandary for me that I'm struggling to resolve. A consequence of my past life and my addicition that I have to handle in a healthy and mature way and keep a close handle on my values and goals to work through, both for me and for my wife. I guess this is just one of those situations that has been made vastly more complicated by my history and my past behaviour and I need to act in a responsible manner now to make up for all those times I didn't behave in such a manner.

We have a long weekend ahead of us this weekend and looking forward to some time out and to have a small break. We are doing a quick overnight trip to Paris, which will be fun, and looking forward to having a good rest along the way too!


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PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 2:00 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Catching up again with RN after a few days. We had a good weekend away, but both felt a bit flat on getting back, so have had a relatively quiet time. Looking back, it seems like we've had a series of colds, viruses, odd illnesses etc since about December, so it seems like we need to regroup and look after ourselves. I'm a little concerned and anxious as after a regular checkup I was told my blood pressure is too high, so I'm now being given some medication to deal with that and it's a bit confronting to have to face that when I wasn't aware of the problem beforehand. Now of course I'm monitoring it regularly and getting anxious and concerned about it, so creating a problem for myself where I didn't know about it before, when I was blissfully ignorant about that and just worried about hayfever etc.

I dealt with my colleague leaving as best I could. I had a quiet word with her and broadly explained my situation that my wife and I had had relationship problems in the past - caused by me - and that I now was always trying to do my best and keep everything open and in a safe place where I could not compromise anything in my relationship with my wife. She understood to some extent, which I was grateful for. I was able to wish her well for the future and celebrate her working time with us and keep myself in a safe place and be grateful for the way I handled things. Hopefully no dramas from now on!

All of this stuff going on has made me a little introspective and a bit detached from things. I'm carrying on doing what I need to do in terms of chores, contributing to the household etc, but I feel a bit detached from things, so I now need to face that issue and work through it. It made me not want to sit and write here and not really interact with my wife and just be quiet and a bit self absorbed, which isn't a good long term prospect, so time to deal with that and put it out in the open and discuss it with my wife. It's the best way forward, even if it's a bit uncomfortable to do so initially. But, it's the best in the long run!


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PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2017 1:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Whew - where has the month gone? It seems to have been a bit of a rush. Been busy and a little pressured and hassled at work at times, but on the upside I'm feeling healthier and stronger, but still having to monitor blood pressure, but hopefully that's going the right way too. Otherwise been trying to keep my head clean and in the right place and get good rest where possible and generally do my best. Not 100% perfect, but we can never be perfect, just human and do my best. One of my colleagues at work is going to fast for Ramadan and it made me think about how I can act to be supportive of him and considerate of his views and actions and what things can I go without for the same period. I'll start off by using this as an extra incentive to eat in a good, healthy way and avoid snacks of any sort and fizzy drinks/sodas, even if they are sugar free. It's interesting to talk to him about what the process of Ramadan means in a spiritual sense as well as a physical one and how he will try and cope with the fasting in the long northern hemisphere summer days. Always good for me to listen about other people's thoughts and feelings and 'spiritual approach' regardless of if it is linked to religion or not. It makes me slow down and think about myself and how I'm thinking and acting and makes me review my spiritual approach to my life and what I can do about it.

So, I'll think and work on that over the next few days and then over the period of Ramadan see what more I can work on about myself and get back to reviewing goals and values a bit more and getting into a better space in that regard. I need to be more regular in my meditation habits as well, as I know that helps me a lot too, as does reviewing myself here on RN. Looking after myself in this regard doesn't always seem to be the priority that it should be at times and slwoing down the pace of life a little will be a healthy thing to do!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 12:24 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Two and a half months since I last logged in. That's not as it should be... It's a been a mixed time. Generally gone OK, but had difficult moments around my Father visiting from downunder and how to handle him in his increasing old age, plus various other issues that raise their heads as I roll through life. The main thing is that I've survived and kept on going and dealt with things as they have come up as best as I can at the time. I'm not perfect by any means, but I keep trying and I know whats right and what is wrong and concentrate on the right, healthy stuff as much as possible! I'll carry on learning and growing as best I can and I know it will be a lifetime's work to some extent, but if I want to have a life, then that's the conditions to operate under.

Lately I've found myself having somewhat disturbed sleep, mainly waking up early and having fantasy thoughts. This is probably attached to the action of not regularly writing on RN and not meditating very regularly, so I've now got to get back to that more often as it does help me settle my mind better and deal with the fantasy thoughts as they arrive rather than let them 'take over' too much. I know I will sleep better if my mind is resting and more relaxed. My wife will too as she often senses that I'm not in the right space and that unsettles her and makes her sleep less calm as well, so we go into a bit of a spiral. That just leads to more problems and tensions and so the pattern goes. I don't want that and don't want to live like that, so the change is down to me to keep working at.

I have more travelling to look forward to starting next week, so hopefully all goes smoothly in that regard. I do enjoy a driving holiday, so will be a positive time for me. We hope all goes smoothly and we have a good, positive time together and come home as a happy couple. That's a lot down to me as well!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 4:34 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 504
Bugger - just been typing for 15 minutes, then the laptop suddenly decided to 'logout' for some reason in the middle of typing...but hey ho, first world problems I guess and teaches me some humility and gratitude for the fact that I have the chance to sit and type and think in the comfort of a nice cosy house in a safe and comfortable existance. I'm a lot better off than many others in the world!

I have been having some stuggles of late however and I need to communicate them. As part of the 'comedown' after almost any holiday, I find that I have a small feeling of resentment inside me that I can't just permanently do whatever I want, whenever I want and go places 'on a whim' but rather have to be a slave to a mortgage etc etc etc. It seems to creep up on me and surprise me every time. I guess I'm subconsciously aware of the voice telling me that I deserve to live like this, but it does still surprise me, so I need to acknowledge that this is a trigger point for me and act accordingly to deal with the situation.

Now (after having saved my typing while going along now) while I enjoy my job and am grateful for it every day, I find that there are a few small niggles that I have that I notice most when I am back after a break. I guess normally I build up a certain tolerance level and after a while it's fairly easy for me to not sweat the small stuff, but coming back from a holiday I seem to need to relearn this skill, and I let the issues build on me all too much, generating resentments and unsettled feelings from which I can all too easily start into the negative spiral again. It is a trigger point for me again that I need to analyse and deal with in a better way, snacking on junk food does not help on so many levels!

I know the healthy, positive things I can do and after so many years at this, I still get a little disappointed in myself that I can repeat the same patterns and mistakes again and again without appearing to learn anything and that I can rationalise damaging behaviour to myself all too easily still. Lying to yourself is never a healthy, positive trait!

An edited version of what I was typing before, but still grateful for the opportunity to be able to be here.


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