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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:40 pm 
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So the year is winding down now and how many more celebrities can shuffle off this mortal coil before the year runs out? Hard to believe what's going on. Maybe all these people couldn't bear to face 2017?

I've been having a bit of a mental struggle at times in the last few days and I realise that I've been getting a bit more presumptious and expectant in a lot of ways and that's been clouding my judgement. I'm fully aware that I'm very lucky and grateful for where I am at, but at times I recognise the feeling that I want and deserve a bit more. It's manifesting itself in more 'snacking' and unhealthy eating (which goes with this time of the year anyway) and more unsettled sleep and tendancy to have fantasy thoughts. It's a rather unsettling time and I know I have to work on recentering myself and getting back to a better state of mind. I can concentrate at work and get through the day OK, but even then I can find times that I'm getting unsettled and a bit distracted, so overall I need to do better and get a better handle on things. Life is good and I just need to keep my head down, keep modest and happy and stable and change the direction I seem to be heading at the moment.

Time to rest now and hopefully get some good sleep in.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 2:15 pm 
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So, into 2017 and back to a more normal routine - which is always helpful for me. Whilst I enjoyed the days off, I did get too presumptious and expectant and a bit lazy, so good to have the focus and discipline of work to get back to. I do let the holiday time affect me too much and too quickly and it highlights to me that I need to have a 'project' or a set of tasks or goals to keep me occupied. If I get too lazy and indolent, then it can too quickly lead to other things...my wife is all too quick to pick up on this as well, so it's something I need to be extra aware of.

Dinner time now, so hopefully have a chance to get back to this later on.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 11:02 am 
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Well, didn't get chance straight away, but back here now. Funny few days, busy but not productive as I would like at work, seem to be caught up in various tedious activities for little benefit. Still, that will change and improve I know.

Homewise, I've got a frustrating DIY task that I can't solve and I know that is affecting me and making me a little edgy and not 'right' in the head, so I need to be more mature and adult about that and deal with things in a better, more healthier way. I've soerted out a couple of other tasks and cleared them off the list and been out for a walk and meditated a bit to clear my head and just trying now to accept that I didn't achieve the task I wanted to achieve and that I will step back and have to employ someone with more expertise than me to sort the issue out. Monday's task to work on that. So, for now I need to let it go and concentrate on doing healthy, positive things and keeping in a safe space physically and mentally. I've been down on myself about not being able to fix the DIY problem I've got and in some ways I've made the problem worse, so I've also been trying to work through those negative issues inside me.

In other things, my wife's job is now looking pretty secure, but we need to remain sensible over the next few months as we have a few larger household expenditures coming up and we are trying to live within our means more effectively than we have in the past. I realise that part of me rebels against that, the part of me that wants more, bigger, better, faster, newer etc etc. I can still recognise it's siren call inside me at times and that's a nuisance to have to deal with. I try and go back to the old faithfuls of remembering how fortunate I am currently and how grateful I am for what I do have and that I'm in a better situation than many others, and that it's not realistic to think that all my problems can be solved with money and new stuff. That's never going to happen, so time to have a reality check on that score. So, I still have plenty to do to keep myself moving on and growing and maturing and RN is part of this process.

Being able to sit down and write about it does help me in a lot of ways. I would rather be sitting and reading a magazine or watching TV or whatever, but going through the discipline of sitting down and thinking and writing about my feelimngs and thoughts is a much healthier way to act. I need this process to help me gather my thoughts and to understand what's going on inside me. Having this forum has enabled me to think through a lot of issues while I been writing about them over the last few years and that is good for me. I still don't articulate things as well as I would like, but I know that if I slow things down and have a discussion in my head about it, I can generally understand what's going on much better.

I need to sign off for now and get onto some other tasks, but very grateful for the chance to sit and write for a little while!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2017 2:51 pm 
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A better day today. I went back to basics and effectively solved my DIY problem. I'll need to check in with someone about it and make sure that someone else has a look over what I've done, but much more positive and relaxed about things. A better day!

Thinking on what I wrote yesterday and I need to acknowledge that I still do suffer from the 'always wanting more' disease and that was part of my porn habit too I have to acknowledge. There was always another picture/video/story/whatever that I wanted to 'capture' and 'own' with no thought to what it was doing to me and how it affected and coloured almost my whole existance. A very unhealthy life and I realise now that so much was closed off to me, from the world surrounding me through to friendships and most importantly, the relationship with my wife, on both a physical and emotional level. It's hard to understand what drove me in that direction and still tries to do it today. Basically I need to overcome the addicition I have to my mind telling me I want and deserve more than I have. It's healthy to have goals and aspirations, but they need to be healthy ones in themselves!

Just today I found myself musing on this as I went for a walk. My wife and I had a lovely close intimate time this morning and once I had gone out for a walk, I started to think about what porn and the addiciton offers me in comparison. Whilst that is idealised and 'perfect' in many ways, the true emotional response and connection does not exist. In a true connection, you feel your partners emotions, you know what they like and enjoy and you share an emotional connection that bonds you on many levels. With porn and masturbation, you get a short 'charge' and then a flat and empty feeling, there is no emotional connection, well, certainly nothing healthy and nurturing and positive. It leaves me just flat and empty and so I start seeking more to fill up that 'void' of connection. The addictive mind tells me that the next one will be better, more exciting, more arousing, more 'connected' but that empty feeling is still there and meanwhile my head is just filled up with more rubbish that just drags on me.

So, that's sex addicition in a paragraph I suppose :pe: Maybe a slightly simplistic view, but I'm trying to keep things simple where I can as I'm well known for trying to complicate matters! Trying to slow things down and keep them as simple as possible is where I try to be at all times of stress and anxiety and pressure.

A new week ahead and I am going to try and work on improving my emotional connection with my wife and helping and supporting her. She has a busy week ahead with a new work project, so I need to be around on many levels to help her out and look after the household as best I can while she works harder. It will be worth it. Good practice at delayed gratification as much as anything!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 19, 2017 2:23 pm 
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Well, been a few days since I last had the chance to login in - or basically the energy and enthusiasm either... Middle of last week I got caught with another head cold (the last one hadn't properly cleared actually) and it turned into a respiratory tract infection and I spent a day in bed and another day in the hospital system having various checks and tests, so only back onto more normal terms today with a few days of antibiotics to go still. A quick way to lose weight, but not the most healthy and effective way to do I feel. It's rather mucked up my routine and normal system and I do feel the effect of that in various ways I find.

My wife was very concerned about me especially while I was in the hospital having the various tests and while I was not fully switched on, I was very aware of the fact that I didn't feel like I deserved her attention, love and support and did not know how to handle it and was struggling to accept and understand her concern as I was very much feeling unworthy. Don't exactly know why I was operating on such a low self esteem level, but it's something I became aware of and need to handle better in the future. As I am recovering and getting back to work and getting back to a regular routine, this is improving, but I can only put it down to the fact that I was at a low physical state with little sleep, no food for 48 hours effectively and feeling unwell that it put me into this sort of state. Hopefully I don't experience either the physical illness or the emotional turmoil for any reason again soon! It did rather take me by surprise though and I was unprepared for it, so that was a new experience. At least I was aware of it and that it was not how I should be feeling or responding, so I have to take that as a positive that my knowledge and experience is growning and improving all the time.

Have to sign off now and do some chores. Hopefully more time this weekend!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 10:50 am 
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Sunday afternoon on a fairly peaceful weekend - my wife is working through her head cold and I'm slowing recovering out of mine, so not much intensive activity going on around here, but we both need the time to get healthier.

At least I've been able to get out and about more and go for a couple of good walks and build up my energy levels again. Glad to get over the lethargic and unenthused feelings that seem to go with feeling ill like this. I do notice however that fantasy thoughts have popped up again. I guess it's at least a couple of weeks since any physical intimacy with my wife, due to our health ups and downs, and maybe that's starting to manifest itself in fantasy and looking for ways to act out. As I feel better, I feel the need to act out in some way, so I have to be more careful in how I act and behave. I need to acknowledge that I'm not fully recovered as yet, that my sleep is still interrupted and I need more rest and that acting out does not help my physical recovery in any way. It only distracts me from what's real and important and healthy. Part of me wants to get out and about, going places, seeing things etc and to be able to pretend I'm recovered, but that's not sensible or practical or clever, that will just delay my progress healthwise and spiritually as well. In some ways that's my selfish behaviour 'chip' kicking in - I want things and I want them to happen now, if not sooner. Much better to step back, relax and appreciate that I'm cosy and comfortable at home, with no pressure on me to do anything in particular other than to get better soon and to help my wife get better soon too. A moderate pace of life will not do us any harm for the time being and this time next week we should both be in a much better and healthier place.

So, don't feel guilty and ashamed about not doing too much today or over the weekend. Make sure I'm being helpful towards and mindful of my bodies need to rest and recuperation and look after the same needs for my wife as well. Will do us both some good and be a positive thing for us as well in the longer term.

Hopefully the week ahead will be one that remains positive and productive. Last week ended up pretty well considering how it started out for me, so going forward it will be OK. Even if it turns out not so well, I know I am an adult and I can cope with whatever is going on and deal with it in a positive fashion. I'mn growing and maturing all the time :g:


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2017 4:43 pm 
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Arrgh - just been typing for 15 min and then the computer decides to have a wobble and it all disappears! Ah well, good practice for me I guess...

Back to RN now after a busy time, both at work and out of work, where recovery from my head cold and associated illness (and my wife's subsequent head cold) has rather dominated things of late. She is very busy now with some new extra tasks at her work which have the positive benefit of renewing her contract for the next year, but rather stress her out right now... Any 'down time' we seem to have had lately has been going on catching up with household tasks and basically just helping ourselves recover our health, but that's all improving, so back here now.

I needed to get back to RN as I've felt a bit 'edgy' the last couple of days and I'm not 100% sure why, so by sitting down and writing about it and acknowledging it I hope to work through it. I've certainly felt more tempted and triggered in the last couple of days. Part of the reason I'm sure is that with both of us feeling unwell over overlapping times, my wife and I have not had any sexual activity for the last few weeks and that is building up on me I know. It's such a different pattern from how I used to behave, so it still takes some adjustment from me. It's not overwhelming, but it does make me more tempted to act out in some way, so I'm trying my best to deal with this in a healthy and positive way. I know that my opportunities are very limited, which possibly makes the addicitve side of me want to 'rebel' a bit and be self destructive too, so that contributes to the problem.

I also realise that I was a bit more 'rattled' by my sudden illness and concerned about what was behind it. While I've had various scans and checks and everything is clear now, it did (I do realise) shake me up a bit and remind me of the fragility of life and how easy it is for sometime to go wrong with you when you least expect it. I've never been a hypochondriac (spelling?) but all of a sudden I've had a sharp reminder of my own mortality and that takes a bit of getting used to I think too. Facing that is a bit of a scary time and I've not worked through all of that point as yet.

So, a couple of issues to think about and deal with. Glad that I made the choice tonight to switch off the TV and sit down and think and write about things. A much more positive approach that trying to ignore the feelings and the issues like I would have done in the past! Hopefully tonight I can get a good night's sleep and have another positive day tomorrow!


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 12:42 pm 
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In a better space than a couple of days ago overall - taking the time out to write about it helped me more than I realised actually - but still not perfect. Felt like I've had a bit of a 'disjointed' sort of day and had opportunity to make wrong choices, but kept my head down, kept on the correct path and kept as calm and settled as possible. What I realise now is that I've not celebrated that fact at all. I still don't really embrace that aspect of recovery. I need to work on that attitude and not just treat things as a bit of 'relief' that I've got through the day in a clean and healthy way, but be proud and grateful of the fact that I've had another clean day. I'm still a bit too easy and quick to criticise myself and not congratulate myself in this area - a long practiced negative trait I guess. For a long time I congratulated myself on covering my tracks what I thought was effectively and concealing my acting out - my double life - so it is still a bit of a struggle to congratulate myself on many things. I'm getting better at it, but there is still a long way to go!

Otherwise I'm just trying to keep improving and going forward and keep concentrating on doing my best for myself and my wife. Trying to be thoughtful and helpful and attentive - as I should always be - and just stay connected and involved. I must say I'm finding the weather a bit down and depressing at the moment, but at least the days are getting longer and not going to and coming home from work in the dark now, so better weather is on the way. I guess part of the thing is that I find the weather a bit like it's pressing on me and restricting my options for doing things. That's not realistic I know, I still have plenty of options and opportunity, but it's like the grey clouds and the rain are pressing down on me sometimes. Still, as I said, that will improve and pass and (hopefully!) in a month's time it will be much improved!

So, I need to make the most of the opportunities that I've got at the moment and use the time when I can't be out and about to do things that I've wanted to catch up with indoors. It's not like I've got nothing to do and I just need to retain the motivation to keep moving forward and being positive. I can celebrate a calm and positive day and enjoy everything that I have around me.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:03 pm 
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Back again - life always seems to be operating at a bit of a rush recently and it's been hard to take time out to stop and regroup to some extent. Not always rushed and hassled in any way, but so often it seems that by the time I've worked through various tasks/chores and suchlike, that the day has evaporated and I've run out of time to sit down and write here. Need to plan better and manage my time more effectively I guess! Still, with all of that things have generally gone well, so if there are no specific dramas I'm facing that I'm not handling in a healthy way, then that's got to be positive I guess.

If I wasn't handling them healthily, then no one else to blame but myself though! Just about now is the 5th anniversary of when I found the SAA website and walked into my first 12 Step meeting. It's been a rocky 5 years, with plenty of ups and downs and stupid behaviour on my part, but I'm gradually learning and understanding more about myself and keeping a better, positive mindset. Last night my wife was a bit tense and upset and challenged me - she is still wary and anxious, quite understandably, and sometimes wants me to show more remorse and demonstrate my guilt more I think. I tried again to explain to her that I acknowledge and accept and understand my behaviour and all the harm and damage it caused to me, her and us, but that I can't spend all my time in that sort of space as it will not help my growth and development in any way.

It came up after a discussion of a holiday we had in 2009, when I was heading deep into my addiction, how I had forgotten some details of the trip and how she wanted to highlight it to me again how my addiciton has damaged me by leaving me these memory 'blanks'. She finds it hard to accept how I can metaphorically 'shrug' and accept it and move on. Not sure how else I can handle it. I can't force the memories back, I can just accept it and move on I feel. There are possibly other things I can do, but it's then only basically doing something to placate her, rather than doing anything for me other that acknowledging it and using it as a reminder of the damage of the addicition, but I have plenty of reminders of that already too! Just another one to add to the list I guess.

So, a bit of an uncomfortable time, but I just keep trying to be and act positively and moving forwards, learning and growing all the time. I don't know that I can hope for anything more!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:59 pm 
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Friday night and it's good to come home and be able to sit and 'unwind' a bit after a busy week. My wife is working late, so I'm taking the time out to do a few chores to get ahead of the curve a bit and to write here to get myself into the right sort of mindset.

Part of my health plan, physically and mentally, each day at work is to take my lunch hour and use the majority of time to go for a 20-30 min walk around the area. It helps me destress from work, it gets me out in the fresh air and it gives me some gentle exercise, so there are positives all round. This week one of my colleagues invited himself along and I was initially a bit resentful of someone intruding into my 'space', but I recognised that I can't afford to be resentful and that I need to embrace this as it encourages me to continue the walks and in some ways it's made me a bit more focussed on it - I now choose to walk a bit faster and go a bit further (he is taller than me and has a longer stride I guess) and we talk about things.

As is the nature of younger people nowadays, he tends to 'overshare' a little, but it's been good for me to hear him talk openly about his goals and wishes and how his relationship is going. I struggle a little with how much to share in return, but I try and be helpful and encourage him in his actions. It's good for me to see someone basically half my age who is talking about making life choices and conscious decisions to change aspects of their life in regards to health and future and in many ways makes me wish I was that wise when I was younger and that I didn't go through all the dramas that I've ended up going through! So, overall it's been a healthy thing for me, so I have to be grateful to him! While part of me is working through the resentment still, it is much healthier and mature for me to recognise how I'm acting and feeling and adjust my attitude accordingly.

Now to relax for the weekend!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2017 2:17 pm 
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Time flies... Back again however and good for me to be so. I've been a little wrapped up in myself over the last few days and not as connected as I should be, so good for me to step back and take note of where I am at and regroup a little. I've not been acting out or anything like that, but just not 'connected' as I should be to the world around me and as I say wrapped up in myself a bit too much and not communicating as I should be and generally taking things a bit for granted, so time to break that mould again as it really upsets my wife!

She was upset with me yesterday afternoon and wouldn't communicate clearly why, but I know it's down to my communications with her, so I'm now trying to do that to the best of my ability and get things right with her again. By last night things were defrosting a bit, but I would much rather live in a happy, relaxed situation than a tense one as that's much healthier for me too.

To some extent the situation has just grown from our busy times over the last 6-8 weeks. We come home, deal with the domestic tasks we have to deal with, et dinner, start dozing off in front of TV and then collapse into bed, bith of us feeling flattened and - not communicating properly. I need to take the lead here and work a way out of the rut so that we can get things back onto a better state for both of us. It will help us both I know!

Chores await now, so need to get back to them. Glad I had a few minutes out to write and it's helped me gather my thoughts and make a plan for dealing with things in a better way now!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2017 3:35 pm 
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Saturday night and I've upset my wife again, basically by being self absorbed in a task and not contributing. It's a funny feeling - I feel a bit resentful as she spent a couple of hours resting this afternoon while I did things and was quiet about the house, but I need to accept that it's a not a 'transaction' in that sense, so I need to let it go and acknowledge that she has a valid point and I always need to be aware of selfish behaviour and not let it happen. I'm not in a strong position to be selfish and self centred, so I have to put my hand up and acknowledge the mistake and work to correct it now.

I guess it's getting back to what is a 'normal' way to behave and how I would want people to behave towards me, so use that as a guide for my behaviour. Every day I see plenty of examples of ways I would not want to behave, so looking at the way I have behaved this evening it is one of the ways I would not like to have happen to me, so there's the lesson - if that makes sense!

So - just another step along the rollercoaster path of recovery I guess :pe: . Some times the path zooms up, sometimes it climbs steadily, sometimes it goes along level and sometimes it races downhill - but that's life in general I guess and the way I handle all the various ups and downs is the critical thing compared to how I used to handle them. I can't run and hide any more - I try and face up to and acknowledge things as quickly as I can and defuse the situation as best I can as soon as I can. Having the courage to do that compared to how I used to isolate and emotionally 'run and hide' is one of the biggest changes in me over these 5 or so years. I've had to face the music an awful lot of times in those years and it doesn't get easier, but it's ultimately easier and healthier than the old ways. Any hint of the old style of behaviour is a big trigger for my wife, so that sets all her alarm bells ringing, so it is much better in the long run to face the situation and talk it out. Yes, it makes my stomach churn a bit and I go through the fear, guilt, resentment and upset emotional cycle, but it passes and life moves on. As RN tells us...


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2017 9:29 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hi Andrew
Quote:
but it passes and life moves on. As RN tells us...


actually

...................... as we discover would be more accurate

good on you :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:05 pm 
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Back again after a busy week. I do feel at times like I'm running just to keep up and not making forward progress, but I must be, as I'm not going backwards! Hopefully that means that I'm not just treading water too...

My wife and I still have times of miscommunicating which causes it's own tensions. Partly because we are both busy and mentally tired when we get home and just get caught into the process of life and household management and seem to not allow time to plan and communicate for the future. It seems at times that we both think that we've told the other about something which the other person swears that they have not been told about, or that something happens that we mean to tell the other person about, but that get subsumed in events and just the management of life and don't get passed on - so that causes dramas too!

So, I think the obvious thing is that we need to rejig our schedules a little and set aside a bit of time each week to plan out what is happening ahead and make sure we are both clear on what is going on in the week(s) ahead and both understand things. We've tried this before and it works for a week or two and then it seems to drift again as we get distracted, so we need a strategy now to deal with that aspect as well. I guess the key will be communicating all of this with my wife and agreeing a plan together now!

I guess this all highlights how the recovery process can help rearrange and manage my whole life, not just the actual addiction problem. It's a process of embracing a new philosophy in managing my life and looking at problem areas and how to work in them and improve the situation overall. Like Kenzo says above... it's taken me a long time to rediscover some of the ways I used to act and think before I got really dragged down into the addiction and it's also taken the recovery process to open my eyes to new ways I can be thinking and acting as well. I have to be grateful for this process as it's forced me to really open my eyes to my life and how I want to live it. The things I do now I could not comprehend doing 5+ years ago. I still have challenges, difficult times and areas of conflict and concern in my life, but things are going better than I could have imagined back then.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2017 4:35 pm 
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Catching up again after a busy time. Generally going OK, but we still need to work on communication between my wife and I! Between my often clumsy, mistimed and misguided efforts to communicate and both of us not always listening properly to the other person, we do still seem to have times when we create dramas unnecessarily and that tension rolls on for too long afterwards as well. I know I've got to keep trying, keep learning and keep improving. I do recognise that I have a 'hangover' effect for a while after one of our miscommunication episodes too - I feel more anxious and tense and at work I can get more resentful of others and feel more pressured and struggle more to work effectively, so it makes a strong incentive to try and improve and leave as much of the drama behind me as possible. I know I will never have perfect communication skills and I'll make mistakes, but if I'm honest and sincere and keep working at it then things will have to improve.

The fact that I can get the communication so wrong at times still floors me a little. My wife will interpret things way beyond what I am thinking and/or trying to explain and there seems like there is no way out of the conversation hole that I seem to have unwittingly dug myself into. I really don't know how to sort that situation out other than by apologising and letting the emotions fade out from the situation. It takes time, but I know it does happen and I know that if I listen and try to learn, then these circumstances reduce over time. I think I need to go back and read the communications lessons again...

This weekend ahead we are travelling for the first time in 10 months. We are going overseas for a long weekend and it will be nice to have the change of scene and culture and to have the excitment and enjoyment of a foreign country again. It does make me a little anxious to be out of my normal routine, but I'm gradually improving with that as well, so keep being postive, keep planning and remembering my goals and values and make sure that I let my wife know that I am pleased and grateful as well. Onwards and upwards!


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