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PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:28 pm 
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Well, as I write this I should be in a hotel in Europe, but we discovered yesterday that my non EU passport has less than 6 months to exipry...so that caused a certain amount of stress and grief that could have been avoided if I had checked a month or so ago... So for a while it was all my fault etc etc (fair comment I guess) and created plenty of drama. So, the upshot is that my wife has gone away for the weekend to catch up with our friends and on Monday I try and work out an express replacement passport so that I can catch up with them in a couple of week's time! Not the best way to start the weekend and I'm disappointed as I was really looking forward to the trip. One positive thing out of it though, after all the wailing and gnashing of teeth, we were called last night by another friend who is passing through London on his honeymoon and is only free on Sunday, so at least I'll get to catch up with them! Some positive karma or good coincidence or something like that I guess...

Anyway, it is beholden upon me to use this weekend as a positive test or example of how I can and should act, rather than using it as an excuse to feel abandoned or put upon or anything negative and use that as justification for acting out in any way. I know I can stay safe and sober, I just need to demonstrate it to myself and not cheat or lie to myself - that's pointless and stupid activity. Anyway, this afternoon I've tried to be as poductive and effective as possible and I've cleared most of the chores off the weekend list already. I just need to carry on through until Monday evening and think and act positive and I'll be all OK. I've got people I can call on in need and I know my wife will be checking in with me regularly, so I've lots of incentive to do the right thing and also lots of 'checks and balances' to keep me safe as well.

I have to remember how lucky and fortunate I am to have a wife who loves me despite the pain and hurt that I have caused her and how tense I can still make her feel. She is an amazing and special person and I'm so so lucky to be with her. I don't appreciate her enough and I know that I will miss her tonight when things settle down and evening closes in. I know she misses me too and that's a really special feeling now I realise. It's still difficult for me to accept this at times, but I'm trying to deal with it better as time goes on.

So I'll keep focussing on positive things and work on doing my best for the next two days!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:40 pm 
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So, last weekend had it's challenging moments for me and I did feel a bit stressed and uncomfortable, but I survived, the house didn't burn down, the cats were fed & watered and things went OK overall, so that has to be a positive I guess!

Since then it's been a 'full on' sort of week with it's share of stresses from work and a little from home and I've had the underlying concern about not being able to sort out my passport to allow us to go away again next weekend, but (hopefully) that's all resolved now and I'll have the new one in my hands early next week. Once it was all sorted I felt a certain amount of relief, but as I headed home I felt a headache coming on and I realise that I've been operating with this as an underlying concern for the last few days and that it's been affecting me more than I realised. I know now that it will all pass and I'll be OK (assuming Royal Mail does their job) but it's taken me all week to properly acknowledge the situation. I'm so grateful to my work that I could have the afternoon off on the last day of the month to get this done and that my wife could help and support me on this and that we had the funds to cover it as well. It could have been very difficult otherwise...

So, I need to reward them with my honesty and by continuing to do my best. I'm looking forward now to a peaceful and relaxed evening and some better sleep than I've had in this last week. I do need it!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 12:58 pm 
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Well, it's been a little while since I've logged back in, so taking time out now to catch up with things. I did get my passport sorted and I did get to go away last week, so that was all fine. The trip was good - nice to get out travelling again, but it did suffer a little in that both my wife and I were feeling a little under the weather with head colds/virus type of thing and for various reasons we hadn't been able to put in much planning for the trip, so things were a bit disjointed and didn't go as smoothly as they could have. Still we got to have some time away and see some sights and meet up with firends so that was all OK. It does highlight to me that when I'm not fit and on the ball, then I do struggle with addicitve/distracting thoughts and that feeds into things like poor sleep patterns and it seems to roll on the behaviour. Getting back to work and back to a more normal state of health and things seem to get a lot easier generally - I sleep better and usually handle situations in a better, healthier way. Overall though I've not been as good and strong and healthy as I would like the last few weeks and that needs to impove right now, so glad to have this chance to sit down and write and think about things.

I guess my main issue now is with fantasy and my mind trying to find outlets for the addicitve behaviour, so I'm not good at the moment with my internal dialogue and shutting things down. I'm being too slow at this and letting things run on for too long. OK, I can say I've been unwell and I've been busy etc etc, but in reality there is no excuse and I've got to keep in mind the fact that behaviour like this only leads me down a path of trouble and strife, which I do not want at all! It's not something that has no consequence if it just stays in my head, it has consequences for all sorts of other aspects of my behaviour and mental acuity, so every negative action has a cost, a price, a consequence. Right now it feels uncomfortable typing this and acknowledging this, so that means that I needed to do this and to take the time out in my life to take stock of where I am at and the direction I have been heading and make adjustments accordingly.

I have been trying all this Easter weekend to be positive, relaxed, calm and productive and it's gone pretty well overall, but I know I can improve and do better, so for tomorrow that needs to be my goal, my aim. I'm very lucky and I've had a nice time and been very fortunate, so no need to damage or destroy anything!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:13 am 
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Well, today has been one of those days when I've not been able to do anything right...great way to finish off the Easter weekend! It started last night I think, but I'm not totally sure why and how as when I think through things I can't see any particular thing that I said or action that I took, but hey ho, we carry on and try and do our best and stay calm and stable and let my wife work through things. I've tried to be helpful and supportive and not make too many blunders, but it doesn't seem to have had much effect, so I'll just keep on trying to do my best and look after myself keep safe and healthy and try to make small progress along the way. Things are not as bad as they might be and a whole lot better than they could be, so things are as positive as I make them out to be at this time. I have my health, I have a roof over my head and I have some nice things around me, so life is not that bad overall!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:05 pm 
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Time marches on yet again. Life seems to be rather full and busy and when there is any quiet time or downtime, we seem to collapse and concentrate mainly on catching up with rest, so I've not taken time out to get back to RN, so here I am to rectify that now. It's been a few days of ups and downs and stresses at times, but I'm still here and moving forward as best I can, so have to be grateful for that! I've had a recent diagnosis of Sinusitis which explains (hopefully) why I've not been quite right healthwise for a little while now, so hopefully with the course of antibiotics I'm on now, that will clear things up and I'll be free of the annoyance of the head cold/hay fever type feeling that's been hanging around for a couple on months. I wonder now if it's in some way tied in with not taking enough time out to relax and look after myself, but I don't know for sure. I'm trying to eat healthy, keep active and get good rest, but something has been bumping around in my system for a while now that I've not cleared out properly. It must pass soon, hopefully as we get warmer and better weather.

Otherwise trying to keep my nose clean. A female colleague at work is leaving and has invited a small number of us for drinks on her last day, and that put me in a quandry. The addict side of me could get very attracted to her and put me in a very bad place, especially when she has said things like we must catch up after she leaves etc etc, so I am struggling with what level to tell her about my past life and how I can't go for drinks with her, even in a small group, and that it would be very bad for me to do so and to keep open any lines of communication once she leaves. In my heart I know I have to keep it professional and open and honest and not compromise my relationship with my wife in any way, but how far I need to describe and explain things to my soon to be ex colleague I really don't know. A quandary for me that I'm struggling to resolve. A consequence of my past life and my addicition that I have to handle in a healthy and mature way and keep a close handle on my values and goals to work through, both for me and for my wife. I guess this is just one of those situations that has been made vastly more complicated by my history and my past behaviour and I need to act in a responsible manner now to make up for all those times I didn't behave in such a manner.

We have a long weekend ahead of us this weekend and looking forward to some time out and to have a small break. We are doing a quick overnight trip to Paris, which will be fun, and looking forward to having a good rest along the way too!


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PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 2:00 pm 
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Catching up again with RN after a few days. We had a good weekend away, but both felt a bit flat on getting back, so have had a relatively quiet time. Looking back, it seems like we've had a series of colds, viruses, odd illnesses etc since about December, so it seems like we need to regroup and look after ourselves. I'm a little concerned and anxious as after a regular checkup I was told my blood pressure is too high, so I'm now being given some medication to deal with that and it's a bit confronting to have to face that when I wasn't aware of the problem beforehand. Now of course I'm monitoring it regularly and getting anxious and concerned about it, so creating a problem for myself where I didn't know about it before, when I was blissfully ignorant about that and just worried about hayfever etc.

I dealt with my colleague leaving as best I could. I had a quiet word with her and broadly explained my situation that my wife and I had had relationship problems in the past - caused by me - and that I now was always trying to do my best and keep everything open and in a safe place where I could not compromise anything in my relationship with my wife. She understood to some extent, which I was grateful for. I was able to wish her well for the future and celebrate her working time with us and keep myself in a safe place and be grateful for the way I handled things. Hopefully no dramas from now on!

All of this stuff going on has made me a little introspective and a bit detached from things. I'm carrying on doing what I need to do in terms of chores, contributing to the household etc, but I feel a bit detached from things, so I now need to face that issue and work through it. It made me not want to sit and write here and not really interact with my wife and just be quiet and a bit self absorbed, which isn't a good long term prospect, so time to deal with that and put it out in the open and discuss it with my wife. It's the best way forward, even if it's a bit uncomfortable to do so initially. But, it's the best in the long run!


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PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2017 1:48 pm 
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Whew - where has the month gone? It seems to have been a bit of a rush. Been busy and a little pressured and hassled at work at times, but on the upside I'm feeling healthier and stronger, but still having to monitor blood pressure, but hopefully that's going the right way too. Otherwise been trying to keep my head clean and in the right place and get good rest where possible and generally do my best. Not 100% perfect, but we can never be perfect, just human and do my best. One of my colleagues at work is going to fast for Ramadan and it made me think about how I can act to be supportive of him and considerate of his views and actions and what things can I go without for the same period. I'll start off by using this as an extra incentive to eat in a good, healthy way and avoid snacks of any sort and fizzy drinks/sodas, even if they are sugar free. It's interesting to talk to him about what the process of Ramadan means in a spiritual sense as well as a physical one and how he will try and cope with the fasting in the long northern hemisphere summer days. Always good for me to listen about other people's thoughts and feelings and 'spiritual approach' regardless of if it is linked to religion or not. It makes me slow down and think about myself and how I'm thinking and acting and makes me review my spiritual approach to my life and what I can do about it.

So, I'll think and work on that over the next few days and then over the period of Ramadan see what more I can work on about myself and get back to reviewing goals and values a bit more and getting into a better space in that regard. I need to be more regular in my meditation habits as well, as I know that helps me a lot too, as does reviewing myself here on RN. Looking after myself in this regard doesn't always seem to be the priority that it should be at times and slwoing down the pace of life a little will be a healthy thing to do!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 12:24 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 511
Two and a half months since I last logged in. That's not as it should be... It's a been a mixed time. Generally gone OK, but had difficult moments around my Father visiting from downunder and how to handle him in his increasing old age, plus various other issues that raise their heads as I roll through life. The main thing is that I've survived and kept on going and dealt with things as they have come up as best as I can at the time. I'm not perfect by any means, but I keep trying and I know whats right and what is wrong and concentrate on the right, healthy stuff as much as possible! I'll carry on learning and growing as best I can and I know it will be a lifetime's work to some extent, but if I want to have a life, then that's the conditions to operate under.

Lately I've found myself having somewhat disturbed sleep, mainly waking up early and having fantasy thoughts. This is probably attached to the action of not regularly writing on RN and not meditating very regularly, so I've now got to get back to that more often as it does help me settle my mind better and deal with the fantasy thoughts as they arrive rather than let them 'take over' too much. I know I will sleep better if my mind is resting and more relaxed. My wife will too as she often senses that I'm not in the right space and that unsettles her and makes her sleep less calm as well, so we go into a bit of a spiral. That just leads to more problems and tensions and so the pattern goes. I don't want that and don't want to live like that, so the change is down to me to keep working at.

I have more travelling to look forward to starting next week, so hopefully all goes smoothly in that regard. I do enjoy a driving holiday, so will be a positive time for me. We hope all goes smoothly and we have a good, positive time together and come home as a happy couple. That's a lot down to me as well!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 4:34 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
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Bugger - just been typing for 15 minutes, then the laptop suddenly decided to 'logout' for some reason in the middle of typing...but hey ho, first world problems I guess and teaches me some humility and gratitude for the fact that I have the chance to sit and type and think in the comfort of a nice cosy house in a safe and comfortable existance. I'm a lot better off than many others in the world!

I have been having some stuggles of late however and I need to communicate them. As part of the 'comedown' after almost any holiday, I find that I have a small feeling of resentment inside me that I can't just permanently do whatever I want, whenever I want and go places 'on a whim' but rather have to be a slave to a mortgage etc etc etc. It seems to creep up on me and surprise me every time. I guess I'm subconsciously aware of the voice telling me that I deserve to live like this, but it does still surprise me, so I need to acknowledge that this is a trigger point for me and act accordingly to deal with the situation.

Now (after having saved my typing while going along now) while I enjoy my job and am grateful for it every day, I find that there are a few small niggles that I have that I notice most when I am back after a break. I guess normally I build up a certain tolerance level and after a while it's fairly easy for me to not sweat the small stuff, but coming back from a holiday I seem to need to relearn this skill, and I let the issues build on me all too much, generating resentments and unsettled feelings from which I can all too easily start into the negative spiral again. It is a trigger point for me again that I need to analyse and deal with in a better way, snacking on junk food does not help on so many levels!

I know the healthy, positive things I can do and after so many years at this, I still get a little disappointed in myself that I can repeat the same patterns and mistakes again and again without appearing to learn anything and that I can rationalise damaging behaviour to myself all too easily still. Lying to yourself is never a healthy, positive trait!

An edited version of what I was typing before, but still grateful for the opportunity to be able to be here.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:47 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3623
Location: UK
Hi Andrew
Quote:
but still grateful for the opportunity to be able to be here.


it has been a while but of course if you dont have the reason to post , why do so?
I believe that this community is gratefull that you are and have been here, sharing sucess and challanges helps us all
hope all is well with you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:49 pm 
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Posts: 511
Hello all - and thank you to Kenzo for your kind and positive thoughts! It has been a while and in that time generally things have gone smoothly and without too many dramas. In recent times, however I've been subconsciously going 'off course' and thinking more selfishly, and generally not keeping on my plan. I seem to have been relaxing too much and drifting along a little and it manifests itself in me taking more risks (even down to texting while I'm driving and similar) and generally being more selfish, helping less around the home etc etc. It seems to 'creep up' on me and I don't fully realise it, but my wife does and she pulled me up on Friday night about it, so here I am now, using RN to help me get my thoughts in order and remember the reasons why I am making an effort to improve in my life and to grow and mature. It's still too easy for me after all this time to start to slip back into bad habits, so this is a sharp lesson/reminder to me about what I need to be doing in my life as if I don't keep doing good, healthy, positive things, then only bad stuff will happen to me!

Trying to look back now and look at what triggered this 'episode' so that I can look out for the situation in the future and learn to handle things better. I think now that it (at least partly) started earlier in December when I got an OK staff review, but not as good as I thought or expected, so while there was no fallout from it, I think I felt a little upset, insecure and a bit resentful, and I didn't share that and clear it out of my system (too busy, concentrating on other things etc etc, usual excuses). Instead I let it linger in me and that just allows other nagging issues to take on more importance than they need or deserve and so the cycle starts again and without being fully aware of it, I start looking at other issues in a negative light and letting negative emotions and actions start to intrude into my life. Too often that leads me to a 'stuff it' type decision to access pornography, objectify, fantasise in my head etc etc and then the guilt and shame start to rear their heads again and I get anxious about being found out as a weak willed fraud and addict and so on and so on.

I realise too that it's also a time of the year when conspicuous consumption is a little too prevalent and theres that little nagging voice that tells me 'wouldn't it be good to have this or that, or to be able to go to this place, see this thin, travel to this special event etc etc. Being on the other side of the world from my family has some postives in that you don't get the family arguments and drama that can happen in and around Christmas, but I do get a bit of feeling of being 'disconnected' from my roots, which does not help I suspect too. It's a difficult feeling for me to explain. I feel a certain level of relief that I don't have to deal with family face to face, but that creates a bit of a feeling of guilt that I am feeling the relief and some other emotions get jumbled up in there as well. It's a messy sort of feeling and hard for me to express. it does make me realise that I need to be more conscious of this situation however. I can all too easily let these situations generate negativity for me.

So - how can I recognise faster and deal with the negative situations better? I think I do recognise them better now, not always as fast as I should, but I certainly do recognise them and I know the consequences all too well, so that should be incentive enough for me to deal with them better. But why don't I do this as a first course of action, rather than letting myself go a number of steps along the path before I intervene? It causes pain and anxiety to both myself and my wife which is of no benefit to either of us. I don't want to feel that way and I don't want to cause the hurt to her, so I need to step back and analyse these situations a lot more effectively and communicate about it. Overcoming the fear of sharing and talking about my weakness is a part of the problem. I am much much better than I was when I first started this process, but still can improve.

Improve - that's a word I need to remember and recognise! When I look back I know I have improved a awful lot. I am much more self aware of my frailties and limitations, I am much, much better at dismissing problems and letting go of resentments and disappointments and looking for healthy ways to handle things than I was all those years ago when I started this journey, but I guess it shows that it's a journey that you never really complete if you are honest with yourself, you just move on into different areas of your life and your journey takes different turns, some positive, some negative and while the challenge of sex addiction may fade, other challenges will inevitably come into your life and you need all these lessons you've learnt and the tools you've acquired to help with those situations and to stop you falling into negative territory in some other way.

Grateful again for the opportunity that RN provides me with to help gather my thoughts and start addressing some of my issues in a healthy way. For me it is a great resouce that I do not make use of often enough. I should not let it be so long before the next time I am back here! I wish everyone on RN as best a 2018 as they can possibly get. If you are thinking and talking about your problems, you are at least part of the way along the road to solving them!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:49 pm 
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I've had a generally positive week, but allowed myself to get under pressure a bit too much at times, rather than just slowing down and calming/centering myself and regrouping. It doesn't happen often and usually only for a few minutes, but sometimes I am too slow at recognising the situation and let the pressure grow too much on me before intervene, so I'm letf feeling a bit anxious, a bit stressed and closer to acting out. I know over the past few days I've had problems with fantasy and 'euphoric recall' and I think that's partly tied in with my wife feeling unwell (she has a flu like bug) and in my past I did not handle that sort of situation at all well. I used to feel resentful and anxious and then a bit guilty because I felt resentful and almost always acted out in this sort of situation and I know that there is some of the residual feelings left within me, I guess a sort of faded 'associated memory' that pops up at this time so I need to be conscious of that and let the feelings and thoughts pass and not act on them. I know full well what I need to do and how to do it and how important it is, so no excuses, just need to remember the goals and aim to be close and loving and intimate with my wife again once she feels like it. I guess that's a bit part of it too. She feels unwell and sore and tired and a bit grumpy and off colour and therefore I 'hold back' as I'm not sure how she will react and if I will be a nuisance to her etc etc and so I get tense and anxious and unsettled and so the cycle goes. Need to fix that by communicating and expressing my love and concern to her and trying my best to help and be positive and supportive. Give her some space while she needs it, but don't treat that as an excuse to engineer any 'escapes' for myself!

Worked some overtime yesterday at work, which was a positive thing as it helped progress a specific project which will help the whole organisation. It was a long day and I lost half a weekend ultimately, but it was a healthy thing to do as we could see the results of our efforts straight away and it also means I contribute to the household with a bit if extra cash in my pay packet and the exercise is good for me too! It meant we had a quiet and calm day today, which was nice.

Hopefully the week ahead will be good and positive on all fronts. I'll concentrate on trying to make it so!


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 12:07 pm 
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Back again. Been a messy sort of week and I know I've been a bit affected by it, so need this 'time out' to stop and regroup and think about what I'm doing and where I'm headed.

I find one of my work colleagues really petty and annoying and I've been letting it get to me rather than just feeling sorry or sympathy for him or praying for him or anything like that. I know in reality that he's not doing it specifically to wind me up, he's just behaving like that, but if he knew how much it was winding me up, he would probably ratchet the behaviour up more, so I need to deal with it better and just let it pass me by, but tellimg myself that and doing it are two separate steps unfortunately! I'll get better at it, but I find it frustrating and tiring to deal with and I'm not happy about how it makes me feel and ultimately behave, so it's me who has to address the issue, as he certainly won't. I need to remember that it's my bhaviour I need to control and change, not anyone else's behaviour! Responding or reacting to it only damages the situation and hurts the working atmosphere and relationship, so better to ignore it and let it pass and he will move onto other things in due course. He will find different actions or behaviours to carry on with.

But, as I say, it has affected me and I know I've not slept well the last couple of nights which has a compounding effect on me as I'm feeling more tired and a bit run down and find it harder to concentrate and work through tasks etc etc, so if I am not careful, that ends up in a bit of a negative spiral as well and I can then find ways to make it worse for myself...

So, what can I do that is positive? Well, today we went out and met some freinds and had a nice brunch together. I mucked it up though, but getting too involved in discussions with them and not keeping tabs on my wife and how she was feeling and her requirements, so a bit of a fail there unfortunately. I need to make up some ground on that score and handle that situation better again. A reminder for me to not slip into the old behaviour patterns and ways. I used to act like that too much, so when it happens again, it pushes all her buttons and she understandably gets upset with me and I feel guilty and anxious and unsure etc etc. So, not a good result on my part there. So, tonight and tomorrow I need to step up and recentre myself and reconnect with my wife and be the person I should be all the time now! Wish me luck.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:31 pm 
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Back again and taking the time to stop and review things. I've not had a positive month or 6 weeks overall when I look back. I've had times when I've been anxious and tense and annoyed about work colleagues, times when I've been lazy and selfish and times when I've been wrapped up in myself and a fantasy world and acted out in a small way, so not a good overall review. It's affecting me and I've been slow to acknowledge and act positively about the situation. I've been trying to pretend (as before) that's it's all OK and I can handle it and I'm fine etc etc, when in reality it affects me mentally and has a negative affect on my health, my sleep patterns and my work relationships as well. So, now is the time to drop all the crap again and get back onto the programme and do what I should be doing to guarantee my future health and wellbeing. Stop and intervene before I go too far down the wrong path and stuff everything up again. The old familiar pattern that most of us recognise and have lived through - some of us more than others!

So, I will close off the potential avenues I have about me, not react to fantasy thoughts, keep my head down and try and improve as fast as possible. I owe it to my wife and my employer to do the best I can for both of them. My wife is very on edge with me at the moment - she knows I am not right and that inevitably signals that I have fallen off the rails, so I need to demonstrate straight away that I am back on track and doing what I should be. I'm grateful for the opportunity that the forum presents here for me to be honest and open and be able to unburden myself as it helps me get back to where I should be in life. Now I need to stop and meditate for a little while I think as I feel rather unsettled and uncomfortable. It's not been a good couple of days, but I will be better I know.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:49 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3623
Location: UK
Hi Andrew
Quote:
I owe it to my wife and my employer to do the best I can for both of them.


dont forget that you owe it to yourself as well


Quote:
I have fallen off the rails,

have you, or have you just taken a detour?
only you know
either way

Quote:
I will be better I know.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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