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PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2018 2:34 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 511
Hello again

Kenzo - you are correct as always. I do owe it to myself as well. It's been an uncomfortable couple of days, but when I choose (as I have) to be 'clean' then I feel a much more settled state of mind and things affect me much less. With only a small change of mindset, I feel much better overall. I still have all the fallout to deal with at home, but it's that point where I am much less 'triggered' by things and feel in a much better place.

Taken a detour is another way of putting it I guess. Hopefully now back on the right road and going about rebuilding things as best I can. I have many positive things to live for and it's stupid to shoot all those positive things down for a sake of a few minutes of fantasy. I need to keep remembering that!

Signing off for dinnertime now. Will have to think more about how I got dragged into the mud again and work out how to not let it happen again.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2018 3:34 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 511
Back to it now with more thinking on what I have done and what I should be doing. It's interesting to read some of the community support forums, they make me think about subjects like forgiveness and what it means and how I should be reacting to those thoughts. Thinking about forgiveness on myself and the comments in the thread about acceptance versus forgiveness, I think acceptance is a better term - I can accept what I have done, but the best I can feel that I can do is accept that I have behaved the way I behaved and the best way of dealing with it all is to not go down that path again. If you have distance from the behaviour, then it will be easier to have acceptance and maybe even forgiveness of yourself. Forgiveness of others is entirely on their own terms. If my wife chooses to forgive me, that is entirely her choice. She can accept and acknowledge the behaviour, but I cannot make her forgive me in any way. It would be unrealistic to expect that. What can I expect? Again, that is entirely in her court. I cannot force any feelings on her, all I can do is act my best and demonstrate to her that I am acting my best and live in hope and optimisim.

So, I move forward and try to stay as postitive, strong and upbeat as possible going forward. It's best for me and hopefully it's best for us!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 2:21 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 511
Back again and trying to stay positive and move forward and rebuild the situation at home. I still - after many years - battle with how best to communicate with my wife. I tend to 'overthink' things and try and work out how she will react and how I should respond to that and so and and I end up getting myself tied up in knots and not communicating it all in reality. I often lack the courage to tackle difficult subjects with her, so I end up not tackling them at all and creating at atmosphere that is frustrating for her as she doesn't know what I'm doing or thinking, so understandably thinks that I'm not doing anything for recovery at all, and that creates more tension.

I'm better than I was when I first started recovery, but it's an issue I still really struggle with and an area I am weak in. I can do it better in difficult situations at work now than I used to be able to, but it's still difficult at home. So, I know all the various tools and actions that I should be taking, now I've got to revist them and put them back into action now. Keep trying, keep learning, keep moving forward and being positive as I can.

The last 3 weeks came to a bit of a head this morning as I had a sort of mini migrane and hot sweats and high blood pressure and a general unwell feeling. Basically caused by the stress of recent times and the poor sleep etc that has gone along with it. It's left me a bit 'woozy headed' today, but I've tried to take it easy and look after myself as best I can and hopefully better rest tonight will help with the recovery. It's a bit of a manifestation I guess of how the addictive behaviour can affect me...


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 6:58 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 313
Hi Andrew,

Just a thought for you to consider in relation to having difficulty in saying what you are thinking to your wife. Maybe it could be easier for you to write down what you are thinking as you would have time to word it the way that you are happy with. That could be on an email or on a bit of paper that you could then share with your wife to read and then suggest that you could discuss it with her afterwards. This might be easier than getting tied up in knots trying to say what you want to say face to face. If you think that there is merit in this approach then I would also suggest that you have a chat with her about it first and explain that you find it difficult to say things but maybe this approach might make it easier for you. Having her clearance on this first would make sense otherwise her receiving an email from you with no warning may come across as a bit impersonal. Sharing written word with her in the first instance may not be ideal but it may be better than the current problem of not sharing with her at all and it would then hopefully lead to a discussion about it in any event. If nothing else she will see that you are trying to manage the situation somehow which will show willingness on your part.

Just a thought, entirely up to you whether it has any merit for you to do something with or ignore as you wish. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 8:39 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3648
Location: UK
Hi Andrew
L2R has suggested a possible way forwards for you regarding communication
he also wisely highlighted some reservations, do please think on these

I am drawn to your post as I have been deliberating upon communication in recovery for the past couple of weeks and intend to post on this topic in my thread when my thoughts fall into place

but back to your comments

Quote:
I tend to 'overthink' things and try and work out how she will react and how I should respond to that and so and and I end up getting myself tied up in knots


the act of recovery encourages us to really examine everything positive and negative but the common trait in our personalities tends to encourage us to overthink, perhaps because we do not wish to face negative conclusions, we need to face them if we intend to recover

Quote:
I often lack the courage to tackle difficult subjects with her
,

difficult for whom, her you or both of you

my friend if there is to be a both of you then difficult as these maybe these discussions need to take place and be both open and honest


Quote:
I end up not tackling them at all and creating at atmosphere


So knowing this bite the bullet
In the early days of discovery post our D day we set aside an everyday one hour minimum just the two of us away from the home away from all distraction just to talk
no holds barred, all questions to be answered all fears to be faced,
no carry over into everyday life after we closed the session
it helped us, maybe it could help you
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 7:03 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3648
Location: UK
Andrew
three months ago you posted
Quote:
Back again and trying to stay positive and move forward

hoping that you are moving forwards as the alternative is unthinkable
you have come so far and have inspired others to continue on their own journeys

perhaps think about posting again
what do you have to lose? :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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