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PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2015 7:28 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hey young man
where are you?
you invested too much time , effort and emotion in this to simply skip school

please dont make me need to hunt you down :s:

seriously my friend we have a journey to complete
are you up for it?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 10:55 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hi 62
I know that you have a new job and that you are away from home without computer access for much of the time but I do hope that you are completing the last dozen exercises in the programme

as said before you came too far not to complete the whole

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2016 11:42 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 235
A. Prior to an expected trigger (pretty generic but this applies to all expected triggers I could come up with) :
1. Remind myself that I am a student, still learning;
2. Ask myself how does this honor God, my Wife and myself;
3. Ask myself what could i gain & what could i lose;
4. Remind myself that the emotions are FINITE and will pass;
5. What value(s) does this support;
6. What value(s) does this ignore;
7. Walk away no matter the consequences;
8. Review the situation;
9. Own the consequences good or bad.

B. Prior to a Spontaneous Trigger:
1. Allow 5~10 minutes at least four times a day to “contemplate” possible situations/triggers, longer if possible but ;
The rest of this happens inside my head, so kind of difficult to convey here.

C. On the experience of an urge:
1. DISENGAGE before the trance takes over;
2. Put emotions aside;
3. Engage action plan or build one “on the fly”;
4. Review actions and consequences, good or bad, afterwards and adjust action plan as necessary.

D. On discovery of being “off-track”:
1. Pick myself up, dust myself off and start by getting stabilized emotionally;
2. Tear apart everything to find where i went sideways;
3. Seek whatever help I can find to sort out what happened or more likely, what series of events (or complacency) i allowed to side-track me;
4. Revisit my values and adjust as necessary, (perhaps revise);
5. Move on with as much awareness as possible to be on the lookout for potential “potholes”.

E. On schedule:
1. List of signs/symptoms:
A. Scanning;
B. Exhaustion;
C. Nervousness/apprehension
i. About Wife;
ii. About job;
iii. About co-workers;
iv. About socializing;
v. About myself.
D. Self-imposed Isolation;
E. Anger/irritability about minor things or nothing;
F. Arrogant attitude about almost anything (I’m right you’re wrong);
G. Depression;
H. Sadness for no particular reason;
I. Boredom

2. List of major life events/triggers:
A. Separation/divorce
B. Death of spouse
C. Death of child/grandchild
D. Loss of job/income
E. Loss of home
F. Being around someone of that “type”;
G. Boredom.

3. Action Plan:
A. As above, stabilize the emotions first;
B. Examine what is happening currently;
C. Examine how I got to this place;
D. Evaluate which values were sacrificed, decide if they need to be modified;
E. Evaluate which boundaries we crossed/broken and adjust as needed;
F. Talk to those around me that I can trust (if any) to see what signs were there and what they were;
G. List the signs and review the list weekly;

This lesson is chaotic, as is life right now and has been that way for several months. This is not a regurgitation of the content of the lesson although it seem like it. Getting back in the saddle though my internet access is very limited right now.
I hope this makes more sense than it seems to…..
P.H.P.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2016 10:55 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:49 pm
Posts: 1626
HI 62andbroken,

Good to see you. Long time since we've seen each other! :g:

All I will say at this point is, your determination to continue is inspiring. Keep working at it.

:g:

Boundless

_________________
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where do you expect to find it?" - Dogen

"Be a lamp unto yourself." - Buddha

"The obstacle is the path."


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 10:58 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 235
i wanted to say something like "i can't believe it's been over a year ....." but that is bullshit ..... complacency set in ... again ....

i'm back, ashamed and embarassed, but back nonetheless.

Some of me is the same man i was, some of me (some very important "parts") are very different .....

My lustfullness towards all (but my Wife, but that's something else) is under control .... difficult at times when i'm very lonely (my job is 160 miles away from Home so i'm in our rv 4 nights, 5 days a week, at Home 3 nights 2 days a week) but so far so good.

My love addiction is the same, but i haven't been exposed to one of that "type" for quite a while. i have been working through all of the "scenario's" i can think of so i'm as prepared for when it happens as i can be ..... and i think i will be able to see it and deal with it before it overwhelms me ..... overconfidence has kicked my ass before though so i work hard at NOT letting myself think i can handle "ANY" situation, back-up stratagy is to turn and run like hell ....

Still working on real values, not the bullshit ones i kept coming up with. Self-confidence is one of the BIG ones, still fight with that one every day; Loving my Wife is anothre BIG one, still working out how to show Her that i DO love Her and ONLY HER, but i've hurt Her SO VERY much with my lies and bullshit, that She may or may not ever accept that from me; truthfullness is one i've made MAJOR advancement in, but again, so many lies, so much bullshit .....

Accepting all of my faults is another one that has bee a major struggle for me, but it's gettingeasier, accepting when i've screwed up and admitting it to whoever i need to has gotten much easier, having them accept it hasbeen the biggest hurdle, but i've finally realized that there is not much more i can do about that then be honest and accept their reactions as is.

i've been really humbled over that last 5+ years, most particularily the last year, with my Wife, my kids and grandkids, my job and co-workers ....

i think the biggest thing for me is seeing and realizing just how much of a selfish, arrogant, self-rightious, "don't give a fuck about anyone or anything but myself" kind of a little asshole i was and still am .....

Anyway, i'm back to work through more lessons to help me get my life on, or closer the the right path for myself and, hopefully, for my Wife and family.......


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 10:52 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 235
This week has been ugly, LOTS of smoke in the air around here, hard to breathe, hard to see ..... physically ....

Emotionally i'm still working myway through who and what i really am .... so far what i "discovered" is who and what i'm NOT .... seems like everything i thought i was is bullshit .... a mechanic, NO, an elecrician, NO, a computer guy, NO, an good driver, NO, an "expert on old english sports cars, NO, a good draftsman, NO, a good husband and/or father NO, NO, NO. Seems that i;m NOTHING at all like what i thought .... or imagines/fantasized i was ....

Two things still REALLY bother me:

1. Is there ANYTHING "real" about me that i believed i was, any of "me" that i actually am??

2. What am i going to find at the "bottom"? Am i actually someone that i wll like, or at least be be able to tolerate, or wil i be that worthlesswpile of shit that i feel like so often??

Another HUGE problem between my Wife and i, She still see's me as scanning, especially Her, i do NOT think that i am, but She's sees me doing it so i AM .... so why can i not see it, WTF is STILL wrong????

And what is worse, She has NO trust left in me, so it doesn't seem to matter how well i'm doing during the week because She's not there, She doesn'r believe a word of anything ....i'n NOT blaming Her, i brought this ALL on us myself, just VERY frustrating ....

i am learning to deal with frustration much more effectively though, a big plus .....


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 11:14 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hi 62
great to see you back, but sorry that you need to be

Quote:
Is there ANYTHING "real" about me that i believed i was, any of "me" that i actually am??


addiction is very real but it exists only because we not only let it exist we damn well encourage it
determination is also very real and by coming back you have proven that you have that in spades
stop being so negative look at the positives but dont put the negatives under the carpet

2.
Quote:
What am i going to find at the "bottom"? Am i actually someone that i wll like, or at least be be able to tolerate, or wil i be that worthlesswpile of shit that i feel like so often??


where is the bottom?
when you have peeled away all of those layers that you used for coping you will find the core you,but that is not the end
from there the only way is up

the recovered you you will love and perhaps even like
so go to it my friend

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 10:50 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 235
Thank you Kenzo ......

A loooooong week of "discovery" for me ..... "discovered" that my ego is at the root of all of my fuck-up behaviors ... or my Lust, both are involved in almost EVERYTHING since i was ..... well for at least 55 years now.

My jobs have all been for the "position" and for the compliments from people about how much i "helped" them or how "smart" i was, or whatever they said about what i did to help them .... had nothing to do with helping them and everything to do with getting the "feel good" from them. My "position" or title was the same thing, better title meant more recognition as a good whatever, ego stroking ....

Same thing for every relationship i've ever been in .... all about me feeling good and NOT about whoever i was "with" .... same damned thing with my addictions, and all of the filthy, ugly pathetic thought and fantasies that went/go with them .... ALL my ego pushing my Lust pushing my ego pushing my Lust pushing my ego .... wash, rinse, repeat.

Keeping my Lust in check is also keeping my ego in check .... how the hell do you crush your ego ??? Can you ???

This realization had REALLY changed my view of thisng. My job became a means to a paycheck, nothing more .... used to be very important to me to be a "(insert title here)" ..... i realized that i don't give a fuck anymore, would be as happy, maybe happier not having to deal with people AT ALL any more .... but that doesn't earn a paycheck, not where i am anyway .... so it's a matter of hanging on as long as i can for us, and yes there is still an us .... so far ....

So it is with almost everything else too, ALL ego driven .... and since i wasn't really as intelligent as i thought i was, or as good of a (insert pretty much anything here) i decided to pretend that i was a LOT of things i wasn't..... and i managed to pull it off with a lot of people (you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time .....) but the one that REALLY mattered, my Wife, not so much .....

And my Lust drove my coping mechanisms for emothins that i didn't know how to deal with .... which was all of them .... so came the scanning, the fantasizing, the "affairs" all of the BULLSHIT behaviors that i used over the decades to not have to feel the lonliness (because i wouldn't let anyone close, they couldn't possibly stand the "real" me), the pain, the self-doubt, the guilt,the shame, ALL of it ... and to hide from feeling happiness and fulfillment because i can't possibly feel good about myself, that would mean that there is something good in me, but if there is, then why do i need to do all of thes UGLY FILTHY BULLSHIT to hide and "feel good"????

In a bad place tonight ....

And Yes Kenzo, i understand where Your Wife is coming from with her statement about the pain .... my Wife has said as much too, WE REALLY FUCKED THEM UP with all of our bullshit, lies, and stupid selfish don't-give-a-fuck-about-anyone-or-anything-but-me choices. No amount of sorrow, guilt, shame, tears or anything else will EVER erase that pain and they are the only one's who can decided on if they will forgive us or not ....


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:07 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hello 62

Quote:
why do i need to do all of thes UGLY FILTHY BULLSHIT to hide and "feel good"????


actually you dont need to and you never did
you chose to and convinced yourself that yo had no choice
but you did and do

Quote:
In a bad place tonight ....

remember that emotions are cyclic and finite

Quote:
they are the only one's who can decided on if they will forgive us or not ....

Oh so true
but additionally we need to decide if we deserve that forgiveness or not

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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