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PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2019 7:18 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
No Kenzo, those words have the same meaning here in the USA ...... so does complacency ......

The question about Love was dead serious .... i know what i feel towards my Wife is Love (yes .... somehow she is still here), but i asked because it seems so undefinable ....

What specifically does it feel like or is that even a valid question ???

The way i grew up, i was "abandoned" by my parents (through death, NOT their fault) and shut down emotionally to everyone after that, except to my Wife ....

She doesn't believe that AT ALL and given my behaviors over the last 40+ years She's absolutely right not to .....

She has NO trust left in me at all and for good reasons. i was NEVER who i pretended to be, not even close, and when She started to see what i really am and saw how HUGE of a liar i am .... well i think you all know what that's like .....

i've managed to destroy the one person that that i am letting in, that i do care for SO much .....

No NOT feeling sorry for myself, just the facts that i've had to face.

I learned that if you don't let anyone get that close you don't get emotionally destroyed when they abandon you .... and since i wouldn't let anyone in no one got close and they ALL abandoned me ..... but Her for some unknown reason ....

Who am i ????

A tired, lonely old man now, dealing with the unavoidable consequences of my bad decisions, non-decisions, stupid selfish behaviors and a deep sadness that i am not anything like i thought i could/would be ..... with very little time left .... but working on making the best of what i have left!!

What am i???

On a more positive note, i do like taking images of various things, our fur-babies, local raptors and migrating birds, various plants and so forth, a good thing. Trying to scrape together enough "spare" money to get back into model-car building, not going well right now.

Looking at writing again, poetry was what i liked and was OK at ... personal, NOT for publication as i'm FAR from that talented ....

A start at any rate .....

Will be online here FAR more often .... irrespective of "extenuating circumstances" that i let get in the way up to now ....


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2019 6:14 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
Hi 62
great to see you back
you ask who are you?

that is the question that we should all ask and address
simply you and I and all of us are who and what we have chosen to become

If we ask who do we want to be? then hopefully we choose a different path, a more positive and less lonely path
that as you know requires commitment and the removal of complacency

Quote:
She has NO trust left in me at all and for good reasons. i was NEVER who i pretended to be, not even close, and when She started to see what i really am and saw how HUGE of a liar i am .... well i think you all know what that's like .....

i've managed to destroy the one person that that i am letting in, that i do care for SO much .....


I know , most here know these facts and feelings, we are / have been there to
we cannot change the past but we can change the future by starting here in the present

Quote:
Will be online here FAR more often .... irrespective of "extenuating circumstances" that i let get in the way up to now ....

:g: but :pe:

now a question
why did you feel the need to edit your question on love in the community forum?

be diligent my friend, lets get this done once and for all

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2019 9:39 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 246
Good evening Kenzo!

i've been a little busy/pre-occupied since your last post on March 31 ..... the day i lost .... was fired from my last job (wish i could blame someone/something else, but won't) .... still unemployed (applied for jobs most self-respecting teenagers wouldn't, so far nothing), no unemployment benifits (they were refused by my former employeer), so survival has been a bit complicated .....

Still working through many things, but realizing many things about myself .... oddly enough, a lot of stuff that i thought was not good about others, especially my wife, turn out to be me projecting my OWN bad shit on them .....

Worst realization recently has been i'm a "communicate through touch" kind of person, and that is the [size=150]LAST[/size] thing my Wife wants from me now, possibly ever .... Kind of lonely since She is the ONLY one i want to communicate with ....

Unintended, unforseen conequences that we all have to face.

Guilt and shame follow me around EVERYWHERE and i KNOW we are supposed to throw that off to recover but they keep coming back and reminding me of just how ..... You know what i'm saying and i'm sure just about everyone here does.

Please understand that feeling sorry for myself is not even a possibility anymore, i threw that crap away a looooong time ago .... i am responsible for where i was, where i'm at and where i will be .... and for destroying so many along the way ......

But .... tomorrow is a new day ......


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PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2019 7:20 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
Hi 62
Quote:
i am responsible for where i was, where i'm at and where i will be


absolutely
Quote:
tomorrow is a new day

tomorrow is here already, please dont waste it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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