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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 5:38 am 
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Lesson 37

Living life with integrity/ honesty and Love myself/be kinder to myself
1. I will never allow myself to say things to myself that I would never say to other people.
2. I will never be two-faced with people.
3. If I don't want to do something that someone wants me to do, I won't do it, unless I really have to (e.g. In a work situation) in which case il always make sure the other party knows of my reservations and unhappiness.
4. I will always behave/ act in accordance with my values.
5. If I'm felling negative about myself, I'll always think of 5 things I'm proud of.

Being disciplined/ self control/ Always trying my best
1. I will never browse the internet after 10pm unless there is a vital reason to do so.
2. If I ever feel an urge to act out, I'll always follow an action plan. (To be developed)
3. If I ever tell myself something's too difficult or impossible to do, I treat it as a cue to launch myself into the task 100 percent.
4. I never eat more than one chocolate bar or bag of crisps in a day.
5. I exercise at least three times per week.

Using meditation and prayer to be more spiritual
1. I always find 15 minutes a day to meditate
2. I incorporate NLP and visualisation into my day to work on urge control.
3. I always review my day before bed and try to let go of any negative thoughts and be thankful for the good things.
4. I pray every day.
5. I. Ever allow myself to dwell on problems, I always frame the issue positively so I can find solutions.

Absolute boundaries

1. I will not do anything that I'd be ashamed to admit to my family.
2. I will never abdicate responsibility for my actions or entertain the idea that my addiction is outside of my control.
3. I would act in a way that I'd want my nephews to act if they were in this situation.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2017 5:35 am 
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Lesson 38

I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.
II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?
III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.
Share your work in your recovery thread.

The first situation would be around travelling and being away from home for a particular length of time. Whenever I'm on my way back, usually on the day, I start to get an urge in my mind to act out. It's like a conditioned thought and I've never found the strength to let it pass. When I get home, I always act out, I.e. Watch porn and follow the same tired old ritual. This situation therefore has the ability to threaten a number of the values mentioned below. However, I believe that meditating and developing an action plan for this eventuality will help me to manage resemble emotions a lot better.

Another situation would involve me receiving bad news. I have a tendency to catastrophise the situation and really do myself down. Last week, I made an error and ended up losing lots of work that it had taken me days to do and I reacted so badly against myself. Looking back, it was an overreaction in terms of the things I was saying to myself and the things I wished would happen to me and I guess I already violated some of the boundaries written above on self-love and compassion. Reflecting on the changes I would need to make is difficult as I think I have to just practice being kinder to myself and seeing myself as worthy of living a healthy life. By undertaking some of the practical values e.g. Meditating, mindfulness, exercise and healthy eating, I'll be able to reinforce my boundaries.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 2:12 pm 
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Posts: 132
It's been almost two months since I last posted here and I've acted out on a weekly basis. I've become embarrassed to post and ashamed of my total lack of will power. I'm really struggling at the moment and feel like I need to start again from scratch. Not sure if anyone can advise me on whether this is the right thing to do or not. I feel like, in fact I know that I need to do something different to lead me towards a happier life. I live with a fear that's constantly with me that I'm not good enough, am undeserving, am bound to act out eventually and then manage to prove myself right all of the time. I'm sorry for these ramblings but felt the need to express myself somehow. I keep my troubles and my issues to myself, partially out of fear and embarrassment and partially so as not to upset my nearest and dearest. It feels good to be able to express myself sometimes and explain my frustration with myself and my inability to tackle my issues with porn addiction, mainly due to the obstacles I put in the way.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 2:19 pm 
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Posts: 132
Lesson 1 Repeated

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

1) my track record would suggest I'm one of those people who chooses to pursue recovery because of the consequences of my addiction. I can't see the forest for the trees at the moment and although I really want to recover because I want to change my life and live a better life, the self-belief is a challenge as I've failed before. Reading all of the introductions and listeneing to Jon's audio has helped me to focus my mind that it is possible. It's all down to me and I want to do this. I need to be better at anticipating the obstacles along the path and making plans for them. Also the next two points are an issue too which I need to work on.
2) I feel so guilty and embarrassed, it's almost my default way of living life. In fact there have been times when I'm fairly sure I've acted out because a day was going so well. It was like my subconscious was trying to say, no, you don't deserve to feel well. I feel guilty at how much I've wasted life. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimes. On an academic level, I understand that my guilt stems in large part from my addiction. Ironically I use my addiction to mask my feelings of guilt. I need to make a co scious effort to prevent self-sabotage. The names I call myself in my head if I do something wrong are pretty harsh and I'd never ever call anyone else those names. As I write that, I actually feel emotional a little.
3) feel like I'm waffling on. The issue with time is a problem I have. Everything always has to be done to perfection in double quick time. If something isn't 100percebt right or I make a mistake, I eat myself up, even if 90% is great. I acknowledge that a bumpy road lies ahead that requires time, I also need to be patient.

B Reasons

I want to live a life of integrity.
I want to develop my potential.
I want to live an honest life.
I want to be able to share my life with someone.
I want to feel proud of myself.
I want to devote time and all of my spirit to the people I love
I want my mind to be healthy
I want my soul to feel energised
I want to feel confidence
I want to feel self-worth
I want to commit myself to the things that matter

C Photo

When I look I feel a little numb if I'm honest. The one feeling I feel is shame as in the photo I'm with my grandmother who I was very close to. I feel that if she was looking down on me now she'd feel very disappointed in me. That hurts to think about. A couple of months ago, my family was watching an old video tape they found of when we were all very young. I was around 7 or 8. To see myself had a really profound effect on me. I felt sad to look at the carefree child and know what the future would hold for him. If I could I'd give him a huge hug.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2018 7:34 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 386
Hi TBWA and welcome back to RN.

Quote:
I feel so guilty and embarrassed, it's almost my default way of living life.

You will not be judged here so you can be open and honest about how you feel and that might help you think aloud and work out the way forward. I am also a perfectionist by nature and I hate not getting things quickly first time around. I also want it now and get frustrated when I have to wait - I think those are not uncommon characteristics in a SA. So I can completely relate to where you are coming from and I can also understand why you feel the need to beat yourself up about it. But that won't solve anything. The positive you should take from your post is that you have made your first step in recovery, you have acknowledged that there is a problem to fix and you have chosen to return to RN to sort it out. Now you can make further good decisions by working through the lessons again. Don't dwell on what has happened, but rather focus on the right path which now lies ahead of you. You have coaches and mentors on hand to ask if you get stuck on anything, we will keep an eye on your thread and provide feedback where appropriate.

Good luck with your journey and I hope you are back on track soon.

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A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2018 12:02 pm 
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Posts: 132
Thank you learning to run for your encouragement and support. I'm a very private person and not great at talking about myself so it's good to have a place where people understand and where I can focus my mind on what I need to do. I can't say I'm not daunted by the path ahead and there's a lot I need to learn but I really want to do so. I really appreciate your comments.


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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2018 12:44 pm 
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Lesson 2 My Vision

My vision is to live a life of integrity, one where I am comfortable in my own skin and where I behave and act in accordance with my values. This breeds a level of self-confidence and trust in myself that I have the internal resources to cope with the challenges life throws my way. Living in accordance with my values helps me to value. myself and makes me feel worthy to express my opinions and consider myself in any situation.

I have a positive inner voice which supports me instead of denigrating me. I live a healthy life in terms of my mind, body and soul. I live mindfully, practicing meditation and try to connect with my spirit, embracing self-discovery. I live a physically healthy life, not over-indulging in food and also practicing regular exercise.

Living a life of integrity also gives me the confidence to form deeper relationships with people, particularly with family members and friends. It also opens the door to me being able to form a romantic relationship with somebody should the opportunity arise.

My contentment is based on multiple pillars: deep and meaningful relationships; mental, physical and spiritual health; but also the pursuit of knowledge and broadening my horizons. I also want to make a difference in terms of the work that I do and the interactions I have with my friends and family. I want to be someone who helps people when times are tough and to improve their lives.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:57 am 
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Posts: 132
Lesson 1 Repeated
I'm back on here after quite a bit of time and my condition has degenerated significantly. I have engaged in behaviour which has contravened my values and which has jeopardised my health too. I find it really tricky to open up, mainly because I am essentially ashamed of myself and feel dirty but I know immediately to do so. I have a number of other anxieties and issues in life and they and the sex/ porn problem feed off each other to the point that I don't know which is the cause and which is the consequence. I feel so ashamed at the moment. I don't have a partner which is good but I find it hard to look my family and loved ones in the eye, such is my shame. Not sure where to begin with it all. Am going to pursue one of the advanced training paths when I get paid, as I think a slightly more structured approach would help. A combination of burying my head in the sand and self-sabotage mean that the self-recovery route hasn't worked for me and I really want a better life (if I deserve it). I've reviewed the last answers I wrote to lesson 1.

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

1) my track record would suggest I'm one of those people who chooses to pursue recovery because of the consequences of my addiction. I think I've forgotten what life without this is like but to be able to have a peaceful life where I'm in control is something I'd really like. I'm sure it would brighten up my existence. I'm at the point where I've realised it's like a cancer and it'll never stay the same. It'll either improve or, if left unaddressed, degenerate further into an abyss that terrifies me.
2) I feel so guilty and embarrassed, it's almost my default way of living life. In fact there have been times when I'm fairly sure I've acted out because a day was going so well. It was like my subconscious was trying to say, no, you don't deserve to feel well. I feel guilty at how much I've wasted life. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimest. On an academic level, I understand that my guilt stems in large part from my addiction. Ironically I use my addiction to mask my feelings of guilt. I need to make a co scious effort to prevent self-sabotage. That said I feel really ashamed and disgusted right now and, for the first time, the desire to rid myself of the shame is what is motivating me too.
3) The issue with time is a problem I have. Instant gratification Is at the heart of this addiction and wanting health instantly is part of that. I'm full of contradictions. Everything always has to be done to perfection in double quick time. If something isn't 100percebt right or I make a mistake, I eat myself up, even if 90% is great. I acknowledge that a bumpy road lies ahead that requires time, I also need to be patient. Coping with slip ups can become an issue though as I beat myself up.

B Reasons

I want to live a life of integrity.
I want to develop my potential.
I want to live an honest life.
I want to be able to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to feel proud of myself.
I want to devote time and all of my spirit to the people I love
I want my mind to be healthy
I want my soul to feel energised
I want to feel confidence
I want to feel self-worth
I want to commit myself to the things that matter
I want to be able to believe when I'm on my death bed that I lived a contented life in the end.

C Photo

When I look I feel a little numb if I'm honest. The one feeling I feel is shame as in the photo I'm with my grandmother who I was very close to. I feel that if she was looking down on me now she'd feel very disappointed in me. That hurts to think about. A couple of months ago, my family was watching an old video tape they found of when we were all very young. I was around 7 or 8. To see myself had a really profound effect on me. I felt sad to look at the carefree child and know what the future would hold for him. If I could I'd give him a huge hug. The part that eats away at me is what people would think of me now if they knew what I was like. I feel like it makes me unlovable. I believe in life after death and think that people would be looking down at me and feel disgusted. Those who love me on the earth now would be disgusted at my promiscuity and so I feel like I don't deserve the love they give me.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:48 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 386
Hi TBWA and welcome back,

I have read your post and you appear to have plenty of motivation to succeed this time. I can assure you that the tools are here for you to make a full recovery but it relies on your motivation to put in the dedication and effort to achieve that. You have lot of motivation and based on what you have said you could do well to remember these feelings so that it will continue to drive you on with the workshop once you get underway again and as the strength of those feelings subside as they inevitably will at some stage.

Quote:
1) my track record would suggest I'm one of those people who chooses to pursue recovery because of the consequences of my addiction. I think I've forgotten what life without this is like but to be able to have a peaceful life where I'm in control is something I'd really like. I'm sure it would brighten up my existence. I'm at the point where I've realised it's like a cancer and it'll never stay the same. It'll either improve or, if left unaddressed, degenerate further into an abyss that terrifies me.

You are in good company there, if you were to read through all of the threads over the last 12 months and then see how many people have stayed distance it is shamefully low. Why is that? Well, each will have their own reasons but my best guess is that the main motivator of joining RN for many is the actual or potential consequences of their acting out - maybe they have been caught or nearly caught or have just had enough of how horrible they feel afterwards. After a while I suspect that those who are caught are either given a second chance or their relationship ends and either way their "crisis" is over and with it goes the motivation to proceed with the workshop. Others who are here because they are fed up with the repetitive cycle that leaves them feeling rotten will realise that there is some commitment and effort required in order to recover and after a lifetime of taking the easy option (immediate gratification) that just seems like too much hard work and they fall away and probably go back to their former addiction filled lives.

So where does that leave you? How badly do you want this? If you are motivated enough then I promise you that RN will help you recover, you just have to want it badly enough and commit yourself to the process even when the strength of your motivation falls away a little.

I wish you luck you with decision and hope that you choose wisely in order to get the life that you long for back.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:43 pm 
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Posts: 132
Thanks so much for your posts, learningtorun, it means a lot. In answer to your question, on one level, I want health a lot, contentment, peace and life free from this addiction. You're right in that I'm motivated at the moment by the negative consequences of my addiction, I feel so dirty and ashamed. A couple of issues I know I'll have to overcome are this feeling of deep shame. It makes me feel unworthy of living a nice life and I'm prone to self-sabotage. No one knows about my addiction so I feel like a liar (even though I don't have a partner). I also have had it for so long that it's been my comfort blanket when I get stressed and so I'll need to learn and master a new way of being and dealing with stresses. One pattern I've noticed previously is that I'm a perfectionist and I have this all or nothing approach. In practice, this means one slip up or wrong thought is total failure in my mind and I abandon things. Also emotional and compulsive behaviours don't end with porn/sex addiction. I also overeat often too, for example and often do things to excess, e.g.work. These are all things I'll need to contend with.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:09 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 386
Quote:
You're right in that I'm motivated at the moment by the negative consequences of my addiction, I feel so dirty and ashamed. A couple of issues I know I'll have to overcome are this feeling of deep shame.

One of the later lessons in the workshop talks about letting go. You can not change what you have done in the past but you can learn from that and draw a line in the sand and live healthily from that point on. In that sense, if you keep worrying about what you have previously done it could hamper you moving forwards. There is clearly a balance to be struck there though as you obviously have to take responsibility for your past actions and not see it as a Get Out of Jail Free card to act out without responsibility in the future. Perhaps try and use the feelings of guilt as a motivator to get it right this time and to commit to never getting yourself into a situation where you will feel like that again?

Quote:
One pattern I've noticed previously is that I'm a perfectionist and I have this all or nothing approach. In practice, this means one slip up or wrong thought is total failure in my mind and I abandon things.

No recovery is perfect and you need to expect to make some mistakes along the path of recovery. A small child learning to walk will fall over a few times before they master it so cut yourself some slack. Making mistakes is fine as long as they are genuine and that you learn from them in order to avoid repeating them. I am also a perfectionist so I get why it can be difficult at times but you will get there if you put the effort in and commit to the process.

Try and stay positive and get yourself back on track with the workshop. I will be interested to monitor your progress.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 10:58 am 
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Thanks Learningtorun. I guess your user name sums up my situation really well. I need to learn to crawl first before I can expect to run marathons. I definitely do need to utilise how I feel at the moment to drive changes in my life and to cut myself some slack. Fear is also a big driver for me. I know in the past when I tried to overcome urges, I had this feeling of foreboding that, try as I might, it would beat me anyway, so I'd engage to remove the panic. Self-fulfilling prophecy and also perhaps the fear of the unknown.

I have taken a look at my vision and made some refinements. On a spiritual level, my vision for my life is pretty consistent, I'd love to live that life though.

Lesson 2 Vision
Lesson 2 My Vision

My vision is to live a life of integrity, one where I am comfortable in my own skin and where I behave and act in accordance with my values. This breeds a level of self-confidence and trust in myself that I have the internal resources to cope with the challenges life throws my way. Living in accordance with my values helps me to value. myself and makes me feel worthy to express my opinions and consider myself in any situation. My vision is to have a balanced, moderate life where I am able to rationally cope with challenges that come my way.

I have a positive inner voice which supports me instead of denigrating me. I live a healthy life in terms of my mind, body and soul. I live mindfully, practicing meditation and try to connect with my spirit, embracing self-discovery. I live a physically healthy life, not over-indulging in food and also practicing regular exercise. I also take care of my appearance too.

Living a life of integrity also gives me the confidence to form deeper relationships with people, particularly with family members and friends, allowing me to share more of myself with people. I am also comfortable in my own skin too.

My contentment is based on multiple pillars: deep and meaningful relationships; mental, physical and spiritual health; but also the pursuit of knowledge and broadening my horizons. I also want to make a difference in terms of the work that I do and the interactions I have with my friends and family. I want to be someone who helps people when times are tough and to improve their lives.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2019 11:25 am 
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Posts: 132
Lesson 3

Values list:

Integrity
Comfort
Self-confidence
Self-worth
Rational
Positive
Physical health
Mental health
Spiritual health
Learning
Self-development
Looking good
Tidiness
Love
Friendship
Family
Communication
Work
Empathy
Non-judgemental
Tolerance
Compassion
Honesty
Being a good son
Being a good friend
Being a good brother
Feeling empowered
Feeling in control
Broadening horizons
Being financially secure
Generous
Listening
Sense of humour
Thankful
Companionship
Appreciating nature
Meditation
Tenacity
Making a difference to society

Darker values

Control
Alleviation of boredom
Power
Escapism


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