Recovery Nation

Tobewellagain recovery thread
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Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sat Jan 10, 2015 10:44 am ]
Post subject:  Tobewellagain recovery thread

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

1) I Feel concerned as I've made, in retrospect, half-hearted attempts at the workshop before and worry I fit into the recovery/relapse cycle category. However my motivation is always to stop living an addictive life as it makes me unhappy. I'm aware of how I use my addiction to escape my life and so I recognise that my recovery requires a new focus on the way I think more generally. The addiction/ compulsion is a symptom of a wider problem and so I'm posting on here to give myself the structure to actively pursue health. I've felt helpless for so long but I realise that I have the capacity to overcome this with hard work and tenacity. I need to be mindful of the challenges on the way but make an honest commitment to myself to actively pursue change.

2) Guilt and shame have been a problem in the past in terms of both overcoming my addiction but in terms of my life more generally. Even as a child I was always quite shy and unsure of myself. However as I see that addiction is as much a symptom of my problems as it is a cause, I recognise that I may as well be ashamed of how I handle my life more generally, but at the same time, can see more clearly when viewed in these terms how shame is a major obstacle.

3) as a person, I always want everything now, I am naturally impatient. I guess that's why addiction has managed to flourish in my life in the sense of it providing the immediate gratification I impatiently crave. However, this is a marathon and I can anticipate that there will be lots of tough obstacles along the way which I have to overcome with patience and determination.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

I want to be proud of myself
I want to achieve my dreams in life
I want to establish a romantic relationship
I want to fulfil my potential in life
I want to feel in control
I want to have self-discipline
I want to find out who I am
I want to overcome jealousy of others
I want to walk up the street and be free
I want to go on holiday and not worry about the urge striking
I want to be content with my life
I want to have the capacity to love

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sat Jan 10, 2015 10:54 am ]
Post subject:  Lesson 2

I would like to live a life I can be proud of, where the values of love, compassion and integrity are foremost in my life. I would love to find myself a soulmate and live openly and honestly with that person, free from addiction. I want to love and respect that person with mind, body and soul. Love for my mother and the rest of my family is also important, as well as love for myself. I'm somebody who values myself, takes care of my mind through meditation, NLP and hypnosis and somebody who looks after my body through physical exercise and controlling my diet. I adore my diet and spend time with her. I also want to pursue a career which fulfils me, makes a difference to people and pays enough for me to live a comfortable life and pursue my hobbies. I'd love to work in the field of urban renewal. I adore travelling and learning about new places and different cultures. I want to learn French and, more broadly, expand my knowledge through reading and studying. I also enjoy socialising and want to enjoy spending time with my friends.

Author:  SimpleMan [ Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Hi Tobewellagain,

Welcome to RN.

If you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that desire reality. Open yourself up to the possibility to change, commit to recovery fully and completely.

Work through the lessons and understand them, if you miss something ask on the community forum, assistance is always on hand. Try to participate on a daily basis on the community forum. Just reading other posts and writing will help your thought process. Take the chance to read your fellow recoverers' recovery threads. Odds are they're having the exact same struggles and problems as you and seeing things from another perspective can be a real eye-opener

Coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

The path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone. We usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading. Get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness. Besides the workshop, branch out into other sources of information like books, internet articles, etc. Remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination. The faster you accept that recovery is something that won't happen overnight, the better of you will be.

and worry I fit into the recovery/relapse cycle category

I feel that this is something that you should decide now: do you or don't you? Are you already setting yourself up for failure by providing yourself with a handy excuse (I failed because I fit a pattern but tha's ok because it's a recovery pattern.).

If you are genuinely comitted today to recovery, then right now you do not fit a relapse pattern; you may have in the past, so learn from it, and commit to not following what you already know to be a pattern that ends in failure and misery.

Your vision, while idenitfy some good strong aspirations, strikes me as a little brief and short on how you hope to achieve any of these aspirations. Although the detail wil be worked out in later lessons on values and action plans, it is a godo idea to include some general idea of how your aspirations might be achieved. Maybe it's also worth reviewing Coach Mel's excellent guide to forming a vision that is listed in the top of this forum.

Keep it up this time, I hope to see a lot more in this this thread :g:

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Tue Jan 13, 2015 3:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Hi Simple Man

Thanks very much for your post and encouragement. I'll take a look at my vision again. I guess in the past I underestimated how tough it would be to learn how to live a healthy life. In a way I set myself up for a fall thinking it would be easier than it was. I have a genuine desire to overcome it. I'm a naturally closed person so I'm pleased to have found the courage to come online and post.

As I say, I'lol look at my vision again. I know what I want, I just have to work out how to get there. Thanks again for your advice.

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Tue Jan 13, 2015 5:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Revised vision:

At the end of my life, I want to look back and be able to say that I am proud of how I have lived my life and what I have been able to achieve. The values of love and compassion are central to my life, in my interactions with people, from my loved ones to strangers who may have behaved impolitely towards me. I do this by always trying to empathise with people and recognising that being judgemental or trying to compare myself to others is never going to be positive. Most importantly, I'm a person who has learned to love himself- I show myself compassion and recognise that I can't truly love and be compassionate towards others if I don't love myself. I can accept praise when people saying positive things about me.

Learning how to meditate and factoring daily practice into my life is important. I show compassion to myself through meditation, focusing on the good things I do and not dwelling unhealthily on the negative, but using it as an opportunity to learn. Through being happy with myself and living life with compassion and integrity, I am able to help others by being a mentor, confidant and trusting friend who can be relied upon, not just to friends but to family members and colleagues too.

By making peace with myself and learning to be confident in my own skin, I open my heart to the possibility of sharing my life openly and honestly with someone, mind, body and soul and maybe even have a child of my own.

My family are important to me and I am always there to support them in whatever way I can, there to laugh and cry with them, be their shoulder to cry on. I have also learned to share more of myself with them too, even if it's just to tell them I've had a bad day. In addition to meditation, I use prayer and hypnosis to look after my mind and recognise that having a healthy mind and body are the key to living a soul-fulfilled life. I am an organised and disciplined person with a structure to life that enables me to achieve my goals. I do an average of 30 minutes of exercise per day and also eat healthily, overcoming my emotional attachment to food. I eat plenty of fruit and limit my intake of junk.

I fulfil a purpose in life through my career. I work diligently and see every task I am given as an opportunity to learn, always trying my honest best. Acquiring new skills allows me to proactively pursue a job in the field of urban redevelopment. This pursuit of a better job and my operation in it are always done in a way which ensures my values of fairness, compassion and integrity remain central.

I earn enough money to pursue some of my more expensive hobbies. I manage my finances carefully and save money to make at least two overseas trips per year. Travelling enables me to broaden my horizons and learn about different cultures. In my spare time, I read books which I enjoy and learn and practice foreign languages too. I spend time with my dog, whom I love dearly. I take her on a special walk at least once per week and play games with her. Spending time with friends and family, engaging in shared passions makes me tick, whether that's a trip to the cinema or theatre or just a coffee and lunch to put the world to rights.

Author:  Kenzo [ Tue Jan 13, 2015 5:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

sounds like an offshoot budget airline :s: :s:
SM gave good advice and you took it onboard well done :g:

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Fri Jan 16, 2015 4:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Haha thanks Kenzo and thanks very much again Simple Man. I appreciate both your posts.

Below are my values

Lesson 3
Living life with integrity
Using meditation and prayer to be more spiritual
Being disciplined/ self control
Be more open with people about myself and my opinions
Love myself/be kinder to myself
Take care of physical appearance, hair, teeth, skin, clothes
Healthier diet
Seek a meaningful career
Earn enough to live a nice life
Seek to learn, develop knowledge
Learn languages
Work based learning
Find out more about local history
Spend time with my dog, go on walks
Look after my Mum
Communicate with other family members more
Meet with friends
Go travelling
Being assertive
Being determined
Being kind to people with time/thoughts
Spending time to enjoy freedom
Being organised and tidy
Self love
Practice languages
Go to cinema and theatre
Being tenacious in pursuit of my health
Showing appreciation for what I have
Strengthening my role to friends
Sense of humour
Sense of honour
Experiencing a relationship
Experiencing fatherhood
Respecting Earth
Being compassionate
Being reliable
Being playful
Being a good son
Being a good sibling
Being a good uncle
Being a good nephew
Delivering quality in work
Always trying my best
Developing emotional maturity
Being more rational
Loving others
Allowing myself to be loved
Pursuing a career change
Being positive

Dark side

Immediate gratification
Self hatred
Comparing myself to others and falling short
Weakness and surrender
Lack of motivation

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Wed Jan 21, 2015 3:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Living life with integrity/ honesty
Look after my Mum/Being a good son
Communicate with other family members more
Spend time with my dog, go on walks
Love myself/be kinder to myself
Meet with friends
Being disciplined/ self control
Using meditation and prayer to be more spiritual
Always trying my best
Seek a meaningful career/ Pursuing a career change
Earn enough to live a nice life
Take care of physical appearance, hair, teeth, skin, clothes
Being kind to people with time/thoughts
Being a good sibling
Healthier diet
Seek to learn, develop knowledge
Being determined
Being assertive
Being compassionate
Allowing myself to be loved
Being reliable
Go travelling
Learn French, Italian
Learn about Project Management
Find out more about local history
Be more open with people about myself and my opinions
Being organised and tidy
Being a good uncle
Being a good nephew
Spending time to enjoy freedom
Adding people to Linked in and Facebook
Hug self
Practice languages
Go to cinema and theatre
Being tenacious in pursuit of my health
Showing appreciation for what I have
Strengthening my role to friends
Sense of humour
Sense of honour
Experiencing a relationship
Experiencing fatherhood
Respecting Earth
Delivering quality in work
Always trying my best
Developing emotional maturity
Being more rational

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sat Jan 24, 2015 5:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 5 Value Congruency

If I think of decisions I have made in my life up to now, a hallmark of them is that I've fallen into taking them without much consideration for my values. I've taken decisions either because they were expected of me by friends, family, social peers or because I was feeling emotionally uncomfortable at those times. I've never been emotionally mature or confident enough to take well-founded decisions although I feel I'm getting better in this regard. I feel more assertive now than I used to but I'm not sure whether assertiveness is a value in itself or a by-product of increased confidence and a dawning that I can be in control,of my life.

The two major choices I have selected are my decision to give up my studies and my decision to change jobs. I think they again both stemmed from emotional discomfort on one level and that this was the ultimate reason why the decision was made. However, on analysing my values list, I probably would have made the same choice, I'd just have reached the decision in a more mature way.

My prioritised values are as follows:

Living life with honesty and integrity
Looking after my parents
Communicating with family more
Spending time with my dog
Valuing friendship
Being kind to myself
Self-discipline and control
Looking after my mind
Looking after my body
Pursue a new career
Seek to learn
Enjoy my freedom

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sun Jan 25, 2015 10:15 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 6 Proactive action plans

Looking after my body:

Physical exercise:
-Commit to undertaking at least 20 minutes of physical exercise five days per week
-Recognise that you will sometimes feel tired and lethargic when thinking about having to do exercise but that you will feel rewarded and disciplined once you have done it.
-For the time being focus on aerobic exercises e.g running while you gain confidence and to help you achieve your weight loss target of 30lbs.
-in the office, commit to walking up the stairs at least twice per day rather than taking the lift.
-Take dog for a really long walk at least once per week.

-Commit to eating chocolate, crisps, sweets, cookies and cakes only once per week and then only if it's a special occasion.
- for the most part, this limitation won't bother you but recognise that you will really crave something sweet occasionally but that not yielding to the craving will feel better than the momentary pleasure the sweetness will give you.
-Eat 5 portions of fruit or vegetables per day
- think about the food you eat. Don't eat food just for the sake of eating.

-give yourself time each day to make sure you look your best.
-eg after a shower, ensure you have time to make sure you are presentable.
- have a haircut at least once every five weeks
- buy a new clothing item at least once every three months on average.
- make sure you always floss your teeth at least once per day

- make sure you give yourself 8 hours of rest per night.

Value: Seek to learn

-make at least one long-haul trip, one medium-haul trip and a couple of city breaks each year. Ensure you thoroughly research all aspects of these trip in advance of leaving so that you can fully enjoy your time there and learn as much about the place as possible.

- commit to learning about how you can manage your life. Undertake the full recovery nation workshop in a committed and structured way. Although life and events sometimes crop up, commit to investing yourself in completing 2 lessons per week.
- Read about recovery in other formats, e.g website.

- devise a list of 10 books you have wanted to read and give yourself at least 30 mins per day to read them.
Attending a course:
- develop a bucket list of courses you would like to undertake and investigate financial and time commitments required to complete them.
-Seek to sign up to at least one course in September.

-see at least one exhibition or attend at least one cultural event per month in your area

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 6 continued

Value: Look after my mind


Meditate for 20 minutes each morning on at least 4 days per week I.e every other day. Recognise that it won't be easy at first but that perseverance will yield results.
Read a book about meditation for beginners and incorporate exercises and techniques into your practice.
Once you have developed your abilities, use meditation as a tool for exploring your spirituality.


On the days when you don't meditate, utilise some of the NLP techniques you have learned about to practice how you can healthily respond to trigger situations.

Incorporate daily prayer into your life which focuses on your achievements and what you have to be thankful for. Reflect on what you can control and can't control and accept that bad things happen which you're unable to effect.
Linking in with other values:
Fulfilling your life's vision and following the action plans for other values e.g physical exercise, communicating with friends and family will all help you to look after your mind.

Value: Pursue a new career
Recognise that you may not achieve this goal quickly but that there is lots you can do to assist yourself along the way.
Make connections to increase your network.
Undertake a job search every 2 days and only apply for jobs which pay at least 5k more than you earn at the moment unless the position has the potential for development.
Consider whether it is worthwhile to undertake a course outside of work in PM.
Seize any opportunity you can in your current role to build experience that will benefit you in your job search.

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 6/7 continued

Value: living with honesty and integrity

Recognise that to successfully live in accordance with this value, I need to be honest with myself.
Incorporate self-reflection into meditation and carry out daily monitoring.
Acknowledge when I am struggling and use it as the basis of an action plan.
Although I find it difficult to open up and communicate with people, tell them how I feel honestly.
Live life in accordance with my values.
If I don't have anything nice to say about something or somebody, refrain from saying anything, unless there is a good reason for doing so.
Be more assertive in support of your value. If you don't want to do something, tell the person, refrain from being a people pleaser.

Value: looking after parents and communicate with family more

I have decided to combine the values as, on reflection, communicating with my parents more is one of the primary ways which will enable me to look after them.
-make sure I tell them my news and thoughts more than I currently do. E.g. Every day
-take them out somewhere at least once per week, for dinner or for an exciting activity.
- Be there as confident to my mother
-help them financially where I can

Other family:
-make sure I meet up with my brother at least once per month
Strengthen my relationship with my older sister by talking to her more regularly even though we live far apart. E.g if she calls hold a good conversation with her that's longer than a minute.
-go out with my younger sister who lived close by more regularly. Do something fun at least once per month.
-strengthen my relationship with nieces and nephews by spending more time with them, taking them for days out every few months.
-Strengthen my relationship with my aunt and make sure I see her at least twice per year and call at least once per month

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 6/7

Value: Spending time with my dog

- Take her on a special walk at least once per week
- Spending at least 20 minutes per day playing with her and/or training her
- Buy her a special treat once per month
- Reflect on what she can teach me. Loyalty, fun, friendliness

Value: Enjoying my freedom

- Make sure you spend at least one day a week to enjoy your freedom by doing something you don't need to check your watch for.
- Complete your bucket list of things you want to do and make a plan for ticking them off.
- Recognise that living by your values will lead you to freedom.
- Spend at least two lunch hours a week outside of work as recuperation time.


Author:  Tobewellagain [ Sun Feb 08, 2015 5:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 6/7

Value: Valuing friendship

-Meet up with a friend at least once per week, even if it's just for a coffee
-Share yourself with your friends and ask them how they are doing too
-For your three good friends who live further away, message them regularly, at least once per month, to see how they are.
-Arrange to see these friends at least once per year
-Try not to be as reclusive as you are if invited to a group event. Make the effort to attend if a friend invites you.
-Look for opportunities to make new friends, either by participating in new activities or by joining an online community.

Value: Being kind to myself

-Live life in accordance with the values you have identified, using daily monitoring to check your progress.
-Use self-love as the theme of meditation at least once per week.
-Each day, write down at least one deed, act or achievement that makes you feel proud of yourself.
- Use NLP techniques to keep in check that negative inner voice. Link this in to your meditation sessions.
-Remind yourself that life is tough sometimes and that recovery isn't going to be easy. Some days will be tougher than others and when you have a tough day, be proactive and do a lessons learned.
-Give yourself time in the day for you. Don't be a workaholic and knock yourself off balance. Take a lunch break and take time to collect your thoughts.

Value: Self-discipline and control
Much of this is outlined in previous action plans in the sense that it is by following these plans which will demonstrate my self-discipline in the areas of food, weight control, exercise. However, the following are important:
-Follow your monitoring plan once you develop it. Link any consistent failure to adhere to plan into a lessons learned exercise enabling you to understand and refine your plans.
-In a sexual sense, persevere when you feel an urge to MB prompted by boredom, anxiety etc.
-Tidy your living and working areas to help to clear your mind. Make an effort to clear one drawer per week over the course of the next few months.
-Plan as much as you can. Plan for unfamiliar situations, anticipating challenges and urges and identify ways of minimising problems.

Author:  Tobewellagain [ Wed Feb 11, 2015 6:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Tobewellagain recovery thread

Lesson 10 Absolute honesty in recovery

1. I'm not in a relationship so the most serious victim of my addiction is myself. Addiction has been part of my life for so long that it's warped my reality and my perception of the true me. I feel with my head and heart that I'm being honest with myself and I'm gaining new insights into myself as part of the recovery process. I do have a tendency to pretend that everything is ok (not just in terms of my addiction but in other areas of my life too) but I also have a tendency to catastrophize in particular instances too, which warps reality. Both these could be described as deceiving myself. In terms of my honesty impacting on others, my biggest fear is sharing myself. I'm a closed person in terms of my feelings, not just those feelings related to addiction but in other ways too. I feel vulnerable when revealing myself to others. This is probably both a consequence and a cause of my addiction, a product of the vicious circle I've been embroiled in for years, which makes feel ashamed of myself. These are all issues I need to reflect on and come to terms with.

4. None although the names of porn sites are etched on my memory.

5. People I see in the street, people I see online. Porn.

6. Internet for porn and chat rooms, shops for fantasising/ voyeuring

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