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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 31
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 6:21 pm 
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Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor.

Break up of marriage - extreme
Not being with friends - moderate
Embarrassment of being known for infidelity - moderate to extreme
Not being respected - moderate to extreme



B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

Be Healthy - for the most part
Internalize values and be genuine and automatic - becoming more internalized
Avoid Shortcuts - I still seem to not see the whole t picture in projects that I am doing
Be Honest - I am being honest, sometimes in a way that brings things up that create strife
Be Truthful - Seeing things in a truthful way
Bring Peace - trying, oh I am trying . . is there any reason to not want peace
Demonstrate Love each day. - Listening for ways to do this more effectively
Contribute to Mariage, family and life - do my part, often times it is not needed
Listen and be attentive, living in the present - yes
Be positive and look forward - difficult to do when there is no light when the reality of the past creeps in
Rebuild positive connections with my wife - thinking I am, but then there are memories
Be judged trustworthy - that will just take time and more time and more time
Be resourceful and responsible with finances - Keeping an eye on things more consistently
Be Grateful - everyday
Be Kind - yes
Be Patient - most of the time
Be Humble - trying to keep my mouth shut
Strengthen and continue positive connections with the rest of the family - as often as I can
Be Faithful - YES


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 7:27 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hi DB
Quote:
A feeling of hope, of new beginning a feeling of thankfulness that I am still in the life situation that lets me experience and share with my family . . .a sense of gratefulness that my wife is the only person that knows the depth of my depravity and over the last 18 months I have moved to a place where I am living by values that are healthy . . .

at the same time I have a sense of desperation and a sense of hopelessness that my past will always define me, that despite living in these right ways I will still be serving a life sentence of no respect, no trust, and no forgiveness.

I am least anxious when I am with family, experiencing life with my wife, living day to day in a healthy way.

I am at the point of high anxiousness when I am confronted by the fact that in reality my wife is with me to save our family, she really wants nothing to do with recovery except for the fact that she doesn't want me to screw things up and expose everything . . she has pretty much decided, by her actions to stay in our marriage despite the fact that she loves someone else because of the damage it would do to our family. It seems that no matter what I do there will always be something wrong and I will just get punished whenever the depth and reality of what I have done to her builds up and explodes inside of her.


so we have extreme ends of the same stick twice therein lies a problem that only you can analyse and deal with
what you need to do is ensure that these extreme cyclic and finite emotions do not control you and hence affect your journey to recovery

let me ask a few questions that I suggest you might want to add to over the holiday period

why are you here?
we both know that you are determined to recover , you have demonstrated that, but why and for whom?


which end of the stick do you feel you are at for the majority of your time and if that is at the wrong end what can you do to change that status?


are you 100% sure of the negative aspects that you quote?


what is best for you?

I am not asking you to answer me , if you do that is OK but I am asking you to answer you, to stay positive, to stay healthy and to do these things for you

if I have misinterpreted your post ( I have not read the build up ) then I apologise and ask you to bin it and enjoy a happy healthy Christmas

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: DBACK response . . .
PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 1:48 am 
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Good questions . . .I need to continue to evaluate that . .more positive than negative but the reality is the consequences of my actions over a lot of years still hang out there . . .I am here for me and for my marriage and family.

thanks for making me continue to think through things . . .


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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 32
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 1:25 am 
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Lesson 32 Exercise:
1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.


Values and Focus Plan . . . Assessment / How

• Be Healthy –
Assessment - Yes, emotionally and related to positive values
Make improvements in physical health, not totally committed to physical yet . . .

How- Live by these values, Focus on these values by reading through them each day, Address the parts that are difficult to accomplish each day. Work through RN program, . . .work on something related to recovery each day.

• Internalize values and be genuine and automatic –
Assessment -Yes this could be a slow process. . . so many things ingrained that were not healthy

How - Assess on a daily basis . . .how has this been internalized . . what specific things did I do today, not having to go through a lengthy process of making a healthy decision.

• Avoid Shortcuts –
Assessment - Again, could be slower process than faster . . shortcuts have worked for me in too many areas . .when they have not worked they have been devastating . . for long term health I need to eliminate them.

How - When tempted to skip ahead don't. Identify a place each day that I took a short cut and identify a day when I did not take a short cut.

• Be Honest –
Assessment - Yes . . .watch for factors of omission

How - At the risk of being uncomfortable be honest . . .be honorable, above reproach. Wherever I go, ask what this even looks like, what appearance MIGHT it give.

• Recognize and Accept the Truth
Assessment - Look at what is true . . .don’t fall into delusion . . .

How - Accept the truth . . . what are the facts . . .how are things really played out and perceived by others . . am I still living in a fantasy world that just is accommodating to my needs and not the needs of Annette and others . . . particularly my family.

• Bring Peace –
Assessment - I want this . . because of my actions and what I have done, just my presence may make this one difficult

How - I am not sure how to change this . . .there is a possible solution but that will have to be over an extended period of time . . .when I have opportunity to do things at least through my actions, promote peace . . .that can be difficult because again just my presence brings ups turmoil in almost every area of my life with Annette .

• Demonstrate Love each day –
Assessment - Yes, make this a priority

How - Act with respect . . . respect the requests of Annette . . .but even here, don't be surprised if that interpretation of expectations is perceived to be wrong.

• Contribute to Mariage, family and life –
Assessment - Yes, don't shut down and if I do start to shut down, come back in an appropriate amount of time, not too long

How - This may be further off than closer . . .there is not an overwhelming desire from Annette for me to give input . . .go for support and helpfulness at this point.


• Listen and be attentive, living in the present –
Assessment - Yes . . .focus and listen, use more key words to remember things that need to be remembered

How - Be patient . . . respond to what I hear in action more than words . . . but know that my interpretation may be wrong or perceived as wrong

• Be positive and look forward –
Assessment - Yes, as much as possible, do not linger in the past

How - This is a tricky one, while recognizing the past, this cannot be perceived as celebration . . .but for my own sake I need to look at the possibilities and not be bogged down with the horridness of the past.

• Rebuild positive connections with Annette
Assessment - Yes, this must be by actions, not words

How - Actions, Actions, Actions . . .and don't be surprised if they are not received immediately or even long term . . .there is the factor of how I am perceived no matter what.

• Be judged trustworthy –
Assessment - This is a very long term goal, no quick fix here

How - If I say I am going to do something, do that . . . Be where I say I'm going to be. . . if for no other reason than the discipline of following through with something


• Be resourceful and responsible with finances –
Assessment - Yes, just don't make independent decisions

How - Is what I am doing lining up with making amends?

• Be Grateful –
Assessment - Yes,consider where I could be

How - Be thankful and express that thanks for little things, for big things, for anything.

• Be Kind –
Assessment - Yes recognize what I have done, and who has the right to be upset

How - There is only one person that has been hurt here . . .be kind no matter what ... I have been hurt but that was self inflicted.

• Be Patient –
Assessment - Yes, again recognize what I have done and see the fact that Annette has the right to be upset, frustrated, disappointed, sad or mad

How - This is not going to happen overnight . . .it may not happen over a fortnight.

• Be Humble –
Assessment -Yes, do not preach, teach or tell her what to do.

How - Just accept the words . .good or bad.

• Strengthen and continue positive connections with the family – Assessment - Yes, as often as possible contribute to strengthen those ties

How -
• Be Faithful –
Assessment - Yes, Focus on Annette . . .on what is right in conjunction with my values.

How - Look at the positive aspects of a healthy relationship . . .all of the others have been devastating.


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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 33
PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:49 am 
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Lesson 33 Exercise:
While you have no doubt already deepened the awareness of your emotions...you now want to begin the process of mastering them. You want to make it a goal of yours to turn what was once a debilitating fault into one of your greatest strengths. That can't be done by reading. It must be developed in your day-to-day life. And so, that is your assignment. To take this next week to seek out opportunities to deepen an awareness of your emotions — both as they occur and as they can be anticipated. Each day, find at least five opportunities to assess your emotions. Don't do this retroactively...as in, you are about to go to bed and so, you review the day's activities and how you felt about them...this must be done in the here and now.


Emotion frustration - something that is fairly insignificant in the big picture is made to be a big deal and I am accused of not responding when I actually did respond but in a low voice . . .so if I am not heard and I say I responded I am lying, but I am not lying, I did say that, but because of my past lies virtually everything that is not totally substantiated is a lie . . .get over it, accept it and own it because it is because I lied that i am perceived as a liar.
Emotion - mad at self for getting absorbed in a project while being talked to by the treasure . . .recognize what is important, even if the other seems critical, recognize the difference between urgent and important . . .the most important thing is healing right now , the rest of it can wait. Maybe creates awkwardness but gives a better chance at survival and accomplishing the long term goals of healing.
Emotion - frustration at lack of follow through . . .slow down, don't expect everything to happen so quickly
Emotion - anger, things not going my way . . control . . .see things from others point of view


At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of these days? Post your assessment in your thread.


Last edited by DBAck on Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson34
PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:57 am 
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Lesson 34 Exercise:
Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
I want to do something, see a prostitute one more time, and rationalize that it is not that big of deal after everything else that I have done and I need the medication and I will change later . . .how stupid! Just selling out and not taking responsibility and putting everything in jeopardy. . .

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

That I deserve this emotion and gratification . . .at what expense?

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

It was a trance like feeling almost an out of body, obviously out of mind experience . . .no mind at all!
D. Share these insights in your recovery thread.


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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 35
PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:16 pm 
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Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals.
Play with the grandkids, organize and make solid decisions with work, maintain composure in the heat of being reminded of my foolishness of the past . ..being grateful that I am still in our marriage.


Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
My wife, CADA, Family

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
A couple of times went to protection of myself . . .in the midst of being reminded of my past I tend to defend myself instead of owning the past actions . . .there is no defense for any of the crap that I did.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?
Cruise coming up . . .be patient, listen, don't make excuses, don't try and defend anything . . .perception is reality.


Last edited by DBAck on Wed Jan 13, 2016 11:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 36
PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 11:23 pm 
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Lesson 36 Exercise:
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

There are 250 reasons with 50 different individuals where maintaing any boundary would have been helpful and by not maintaining any boundary my relationship is now in shambles . . .boundaries of any kind over those 10 years would have eliminated pretty much all of the intensity and consequences of my actions.




II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

When I say that I am going to do something, do that, just that . . .dont even go near the place of looking like anything else is happening or could have happened I said I was going to wash my hands, on the way in I said to myself hey I also have to go to the restroom . . .it seems a bit ridiculous but I should have gone back and told her that I was also going to the restroom while I was there and leave my phone with her . . .it was my phone that I used for no good . . .her seeing me take the phone in to the restroom and staying longer than I said I was going to be made it appear that I might be deleting something form the phone . . I didn't but it was even the appearance of wrong that I cannot afford to have at this point


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 7:59 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3351
Location: UK
Hi DB
reflecting on your posts of this year, forgive me if I am wrong (it would certainly not be the first time ) I have an inkling that on occasion you either feel or perceive that you are a victim,
please dont simply discard my comment, but reflect and then choose to discard or otherwise

you wrote
Quote:
Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
My wife, CADA, Family


what about your energy towards you?

recovery as you know and have proven takes energy,

keep going DB you are worth it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 4:26 pm 
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Thanks for that perspective . . .I often times recognize that I have been so selfish for so long that I don't acknowledge that I am worth the credit . . .honestly It may also be that by not mentioning that I have spent time on me that it makes me look more noble and not selfish which I have been nothing but . . .but ironically it will only be continuing to invest in making me better that the other pieces will fall into place . . .thanks for the thoughts . . they are very encouraging!


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 5:40 pm 
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How to Build Trust
1. Always be honest with my wife..
2. Recognize that omission is the same as a Lie
3. If I am lying about details and using specific details to make me look right, I might as well be lying about the whole thing.
4. If I lie, I will acknowledge it and take responsibility and the consequences that go with it.
5. If I am perceived to be lying, even if I can explain it away, ultimately she has the right to come to her own conclusions based on the past and circumstantial evidence
6. If a conflict arises, the most logical explanation will be the one accepted with bizarre stories accepted only when there is absolute proof that is the way it is.

Goal: Not a Perception of Wrongdoing
1. Think before I go/do almost anything. What will this look like, is there any way it can be perceived as wrong.
2. Leave the phone at the table.
3. Let her know what I am doing on the phone or computer
4. Get permission to go on.
5. Leave it off . . .I don't have to be connected all of the time.

Problem: Ego Gratification
1. Talk about other people, focus on them not me.
2. Deflect talk about how good I am . . .remember what you did . . .
3. Look for ways to serve others for their sake not my ego.

Images / Thoughts / Can also be part of perception of wrong.
1. Limit where I go on computer / phone / television
2. Go out of my way to not walk / drive or be around questionable areas / people.
3. Focus on where I am going . . . not the scenery along the way
4. If I am with my wife focus on her . . .
5. Would I do this if my wife was in the room?

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will I ever cross. These must be realistic AND I must hold them in reverence.

Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything or go anywhere that I cannot tell my wife about.
Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I would if she were with me.
Absolute boundary #3: When my thinking goes backwards, I will think of the end result and RUN!


Last edited by DBAck on Sun Jan 17, 2016 12:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: DBACK Lesson 38
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 5:46 pm 
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Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?

The situations probably revolve around eating . . .I think these are situations where I felt that I had control and they were not immoral but at the same time probably not good for me . . .

The other situations probably are centered around hanging out with other people in time that is probably a waste of time . . my excuse . .I get overloaded and just need down time . . what has my downtime produced? Probably not much good.


If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.

I probably need to eat better . . .I think it is about control . . .I like to be in control but often times do not handle the authority that I have in a productive manner

I need to think more about this . . .


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 21, 2016 12:48 am 
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Lesson 39 Exercise:

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
Your first step in redeveloping healthy sexual values is to brainstorm a list of all sexually-related values that you currently hold. Don't worry about how socially acceptable this list may be, nor concern yourself with whether a particular value is healthy or unhealthy. Your goal here is only to identify your current thoughts/attitudes relating to your own sexuality.
Some Examples:


Anal sex is disgusting

My sex drive is unusually strong
Sex should be for love, not entertainment
Sex is always wrong outside of marriage

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending

I will only engage in sexual behavior that I choose to willingly.
I will only engage in sexual activity with my partner
I will never engage in sexual behavior that places my sexual partner or myself in physical, legal or social danger
I will be a compassionate, considerate sexual partner; as opposed to a sexual performer

Step 3 Define a Beginning
As you now have a slightly better vision of where you are headed, it is time to identify where you are starting. In order to develop your sexual values, you must begin that process of change. Somewhere. Anywhere. And so your next step is to pick the spot at which you will begin this change. How?

Step 4 Define Your Existing Vulnerabilities
With the knowledge of where your current sexual values are, coupled with the goals you are striving for, it becomes necessary to identify potential obstacles that will need to be overcome in order for you to successfully reach these goals. You will not be able to identify all potential obstacles, nor should you try. This step requires only that you look ahead to identify the most realistic obstacles that you might face. Additionally, it is intended to address only those obstacles that will keep you from achieving the developmental goals set forth in Step Two. For the same reasons as set forth above, trying to address all possible obstacles simultaneously will serve only to overwhelm and confuse — and so a more limited focus should be maintained for now. Remember, you must give yourself permission to take the time to relearn these things — and trying to do so too fast will leave whatever you might learn as an intellectual victory only. It is the ingraining of what you learn that will make the difference in your life.
With each obstacle identified, an action plan should be developed (not now) that will outline exactly the course of action that you will take should such an obstacle appear. This will be explained in greater detail in the Action Plans area of the workshop. For now, you have successfully completed this step when you have identified the most common, or the most likely obstacles that you will face in developing new sexual values.

Step 5 Ask for Feedback
No matter how capable you may already be in accurately defining healthy sexual values, if you have struggled with sexual addiction or sexually compulsive behavior, there is a good chance that your perceptions have become significantly distorted. Step Five suggests that you take your list of healthy sexual values and discuss them with someone you trust. Someone whom you respect in terms of their ability to provide accurate feedback on healthy sexual behavior. And while this is not a required step in the developmental process, in can be a valuable one — as objective observers can provide feedback to you in terms of identifying critical sexual values that you may have overlooked, skewed perceptions of current values that you hold and/or reassurance that you are on the right track.
The list that you will want feedback on is the one developed in Step Two: Define an Ending. This list is critical because it will allow you to start moving in the right direction from the very beginning. Depending on the level of trust you have with this person (or people), you may also want to review Step Three as well. If you have extreme trust (or complete anonymity), you may also consider discussing the entire list developed in Step One — as there are few better ways of learning than to receive constructive, objective feedback regarding unknown errors in our thinking.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
Step six begins the active learning process. In Step Three, you defined the beginning of your sexual values by acknowledging those existing values that are geared to help you reach your immediate developmental goals. By no means is this the extent of value base, as you continue to hold many ingrained healthy and unhealthy sexual values that have yet to be addressed...or were eliminated in a previous step. This is okay, as the early developmental process requires that we focus on the process of learning, as opposed to the changing of your values in their entirety. And so, steps six through thirteen can be seen in more of a looping process. While we will be working with an individual value through each of these steps, you will eventually run each sexual value that you are developing through this loop. Many will even be in such development simultaneously.
Step six requires that you select a single sexual value from your current foundation of sexual values to begin actively developing. Because we are beginning with the values from step three, we can be comforted that we are starting out with a relatively healthy value...and so our goal here will be to strengthen it, as opposed to changing/eliminating it. Eventually, you will move to unhealthy and/or unknown values that you wish to add, modify or remove from your personal foundation.
Example: "I do not want to use porn to replace my sexual partner."

Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
With the value being developed selected, it is time to create the rules that you will use to protect this value.
Examples:
"I will not use porn at home."
"I will not use porn more than once per week."
"After masturbating with porn, I will be honest with my partner when they approach me for sex and I am not in the mood."
"I will only engage in porn when my partner is present."
"I will engage in porn only when my partner has first turned me down for sex."
Are these adequate boundaries to protect the value of, "I don't want to use porn to replace my sexual partner."? Probably not. In fact, several of these boundaries are fairly unhealthy (by design) to illustrate the point that you do not have to strive for perfection as you develop your own boundaries. Your role is to do the best that you can...to put down what you believe will best protect the value under development — given your current state of sexual awareness. It is the LEARNING PROCESS that will continue to refine and rebuild these boundaries into more healthy, useful ones. The only way you can go wrong here is to hold back your development by intentionally listing boundaries that you know to be unhealthy. All others will be refined in the developmental process itself.

Step 8 Observe Others
Observing others can be a great way to learn from both healthy and unhealthy people alike. As you go about your life, take note of the sexual values that you see in others, then filter those values into your current foundation. This is where books, observation, interviewing skills and the like can pay great dividends in your development. Every single person, every relationship, every social event is an opportunity for you to observe the values of others in action, and then filter them through your existing values. Of course, taking advantage of every opportunity to observe the values of others is a mental health disaster in the making. And so, the important point in observation is to recognize that the opportunities to learn are always there; not that you must learn from every opportunity. Spend every minute of every day trying to learn from those around you and you will experience little if any personal development. Spend ten minutes here...fifteen minutes there...an hour or two on the week-ends observing the values in others...filtering those values through your existing foundation...redefining them to further personalize their meaning in your life...and you will experience certain growth.
The observation of others does not stop at merely observing them. Reading books that describe such values...interviewing people whom you admire about how they developed their values...observing yourself as you continue to develop...learning from those who possess values that you do not want to include in your own life. These are all highly recommended ways of furthering your own ability to develop your existing values.

Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Similar to the previous step, Step Nine consists of your willingness to consciously seek out opportunities to apply your current sexual values. This might involve reliving past situations, role-playing potential situations that you might someday face, or the most effective way — evaluating current situations in real time. The reason the latter is so effective is that it provides you with the means of receiving immediate emotional satisfaction, and allows you to learn from the consequences of making decisions based on your developing value system.

Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
The next step in the value development process, is to learn from the consequences of the decisions that you make. This issues is explored in depth in the upcoming lessons on Decision-Making.

Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Just as you did in Step Five, it is important to continue asking others for feedback on your developing values/boundaries. Just as addiction was a pattern that developed over time...just as the building of a healthy foundation will be the result of a pattern that develops over time...the return to addiction is something to be aware of. This is best done by addressing your existing values on an ongoing basis, and receiving feedback from others to ensure that you are not actually redeveloping unhealthy sexual values, as opposed to healthy ones.

Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 13 Update Your List of Vulnerabilities
With changes in your values/boundaries come potential changes in the obstacles you may face as you continue to develop. Keep this reality at the forefront of your development by making regular checks for such obstacles, and refining the action plans that accompany them.

Step 14 Return to Step Seven
As mentioned, value development is a long process that will continue for the remainder of your life. That does not mean that you must put forth a conscious, sustained effort for the remainder of your life, only that development will occur slowly, through a process of change. And once that process is ingrained, it will continue on naturally for the remainder of your life. Initially however, such a process of value redevelopment — ANY VALUE REDEVELOPMENT — does require conscious, sustained effort.


Last edited by DBAck on Fri Feb 05, 2016 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2016 12:30 am 
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Reviewing Boundaries and Rituals and realizing how I so often step over them, how I fall into them . . .keep this day in mind . . .

So for the past few days I have been trying to give my wife space during the day, not being consumed with having to be with her all of the time, not being a ball and chain around her life . . .staying away and not being cumbersome to her . . .facing reality a bit that she doesn't' want to be around me.

So, it was working alright for her . . .actually, probably very good for her but a bit anxious and depressing for me and dealing with the reality of rejection and the reality of her not really wanting to be around me at all and living my life in the truck, in parks or the library, visiting my parents. . .but me being thankful for the bits and pieces of time that I do get to be with her and a place to rest at night . . .

Today I left before she got up so she could get ready in peace and went out to call on a to a client, made some phone calls to other clients. During one of my calls that was very stressful, I reverted to a terrible habit, one that she detests, of picking at a scab . . .that resulted in needing to stop and get a bandaid, so I stopped at a hotel lobby along the way and put that on so I would not pick at it any longer . . .took another call a few minutes later, so I pulled into a parking lot took the call and after feeling pretty good about the call and solutions made during that call, saw a donut shop and went in and bought a donut . . .when I finally reconnected with my wife, I was confronted with the reality of what I had actually done . . . looking back I knew what I was doing was wrong all along . . I just minimized it all. In the end . . no peace for her at all.

Now the translation . . .

• We had just been in a conversation two days ago about the picking of scabs . . .I was wrong . . .no self control! Not a healthy lifestyle . . disgusting actually.
• Many months ago . . . probably 12-15 months ago we made an agreement that I was not to go into any hotel by myself because of what it represents, the fact that hotels were the location of much of my activity with prostitutes . . .I was wrong to stop there for the band aid . . .on the surface it was nothing . . .going into someplace for a band aid . . .but that was not the agreement . . .I was prideful and felt like I could handle it . . .I was wrong . . .what it represented was evil from my past and fostered a lack of trust and respect for my wife's feeling and for how I need to follow through with my actions . . .it was an “in your face”, I’m going to do what I want to do and I am in control.
• I have access to virtually no money after the hundreds of thousands of dollars that I squandered, stole and wasted on prostitutes . . .I actually negotiated down the price of the donut I bought from 85 cents to 55 cents because that is all that I had in the truck . . . but we had agreed that I would not have ANY indulgences at all outside of in our home or when we were together (and I have had incredible indulgences over the past 18 months with my wife) . . .in an effort to recognize and remember the foolishness of how I stole and squandered money over many years . . I was wrong! I again was establishing in my mind that I was in control . . . what a joke . . . I have not been in any real control of myself for way too long.

In my recovery/messed up mind stopping to get a bandaid was just a simple solution to a problem . . .actually it was not . . as I walked in the lobby door, I said to myself, what am I doing here . . .this is wrong . . .but I did it anyway . . .it was a breach of trust and respect because I had agreed to not be in a hotel without my wife. It was me saying I am in control, I am big stuff! . . .what a delusion.

In my recovery/messed up mind, stopping to have a 55 cent donut was really nothing in comparison to the to $1000s I paid a prostitute . . it was not . . . as I walked in the shop I wondered if she was watching me . . . it was a total breach of trust and respect and disregard for the value of money and something that I had agreed to not do . . I was wrong.
I was showing my wife that I was in control . . .what a delsuion.

In my recovery/messed up mind, the picking was just disgusting and a terrible habit but in reality as I was doing it I was thinking what an idiot . . . it was an affront to what we had just talked about, I had no self control following our discussion of it a couple of days earlier. I was wrong.

I need to recognize the rituals, routines and patterns that I let control me over many years . . . the objectifying women, the abuse that I instilled on women, the betrayal of my bride, the foolish living, the deceit, the stealing are not the all-consuming things that they were . . .but these little things are still reflections and indicators of what got me there and I need to recognize that on the surface they may appear to be little but they in fact are still in place bigger than I would like to admit and they need to be confronted and conquered.

I need to Accept that these feelings, emotions and patterns will come into my life and confront me . . .I need to Consider the healthy options that I have available to me to respond to them and recognize the devastation that came from choosing the foolish options in the past, even in the little things and then I need to take action and choose a healthy solution and reaction to what has come my way.

Yesterday I was at the beach with the grandkids and they wanted to dig a personal pool for each of them at the waters edge as the tide was going out . . .we began digging the holes, but as we dug it seemed like 3/4 of the wet sand that we took out kept coming back into the hole with each scoop we took out . . .occasionally a wave would come over the hole and it almost completely filled once again . . .we kept digging and watching the sand come back into the hole . . .eventually we did ok as the tide went out a little more and eventually got to a place where they could sit in the hole and have their legs under water . . .it was not what they set out to do but it is what we ended up with . . . as I watched the sand come back into the hole and thought of how my life in many ways is still like that.

I feel like I am doing OK most of the time, but then I let these days of scooping sand and having most of it refill the hole due to the idiocy of my decision making, return . . .I need to keep scooping the sand . . .when waves hit, I need to keep shoveling . . .remember the fact that by giving up, the hole will eventually just be taken over by the sand . . .keep scooping . . .it is the only option and solution

Do what I say that I am going to do . . .respect the boundaries of my wife . . .respect the boundaries that I set for myself . . .when I get the attitude that its not that big of thing, that just communicates that I am minimizing what I have done . . .its all a big thing . . . I have betrayed trust, respect and honesty . . .I need to treat it as such.

Consider the healthy options the healthy choices . . .consider what is right given where I have been and where I need to go.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2016 11:01 pm 
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Lesson 43 Exercise: Next time
There are two tools you are encouraged to use in helping to develop efficient urge awareness skills.

A. The first tool is the Community Support Forum. Use this forum to discuss your urges, receive support and guidance, and learn from the experiences of others in their urge awareness development. Write about it

B. The second is the Urge Control Awareness Form. Use this form any time that you have experienced a 'significant' compulsive urge. This form will facilitate the process of developing the right awareness needed to accurately process each urge. Fill this out


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