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PostPosted: Fri Sep 02, 2016 12:10 am 
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Lesson 26

I will isolate when porn as a compulsive ritual:

There could have been a number of reasons that I would give myself to watch porn, always saying it was the “last time”, to reward myself for doing something good, to uplift my emotional state if I was unhappy, as a break between anything and also as a habit during a certain times of the day, in the shower, or before bed.

#1 emotional want to masturbate to feel better in any given situation
#2 promise myself that it was the last time, yet knew full well that it wasn’t going to be the last time, so have subsequently taught myself that promises do not mean anything.
#3 search the internet for something that is “hot” and a bit “taboo” – one emotional point that I need to point out is that you can never be rejected when it comes to watching porn, and you can never be judged. So you feel safe.
#4 guilt at what I am doing, firstly to myself, and if I was in a relationship, to the other person. But this feeling would not matter the more I looked at the pictures, videos etc.
#5 would imagine me preforming the sexual act to the woman, how it felt, what she would do, and how “wild” we were.
#6 time the orgasm with the male actor, so as to intensify the illusion of the fantasy. No feeling of guilt or shame, just release of tension and endorphins
#7 guilt would return, and the I would frantically do everything to clean up the phone/pc/surrounding areas so that no one knew.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 1:22 am 
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Lesson 26

Provide an example of two compulsive chains in your life. The first chain should be where multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously — thus enhancing the overall amount of stimulation derived from the behaviour. The second should be an example of how you have strung together several rituals back-to-back and thus, extended the stimulation you were deriving.

First example would be masturbation and porn and how the compulsive chain has been changed as the overall stimulation decreased.

1) So multiple rituals would include - Time of masturbation. Meaning at a certain time, morning or night or during a certain activity. If you "miss" this time, you begin to feel anxious. The introduction of videos, as opposed to pictures. The threshold was reached - and video was more "exciting". So what I found was that just images didn't "do it for me anymore". As a threshold was reached again, the frequency increased, and was applied to all areas of my life. For celebration, for sadness, and/or for fun. Then I also introduced Risk - enough that I could get caught, but also not enough that it was also "safe" so that i didn't have the embarrassment of getting caught, and the excitement that no-one knew what I was doing. Then deleting all the evidence. So those activities linking together created my particular ritual chain.

2) The second example where I strung multiple chains together would be the following. Sport, then online gaming and after online gaming masturbation.

Sport, I became addicted to sport and this game me an emotional high. I was also good at it, so gave me significance and meaning. Online gaming is in my opinion, extremely dangerous. You live in a fantasy, create alternative characteristics for yourself, re-invent who you want to be viewed at, and all of this, without any interaction, or actual communication from "real" people. No connection is actually needed, so it then fits so nicely in with masturbation and sexual addiction. It also needs an internet connection, as well as often keeps you up longer than everyone in the house so it is easier to have "alone time". So I would play religiously, and it almost cost me my university degree. So once you have the emotion high of online gaming and everyone is asleep, you can masturbate to porn before going to sleep. As was mentioned in the lesson, it is almost a constant emotional high - and if you dont have that high - "something is wrong" so you want to start the ritual so that you can achieve that high. That is how I achieved my back-to-back rituals to achieve the greatest level of satisfaction.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2016 1:47 am 
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Lesson 27

Provide an example of two compulsive chains in your life. The first chain should be where multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously — thus enhancing the overall amount of stimulation derived from the behavior. The second should be an example of how you have strung together several rituals back-to-back and thus, extended the stimulation you were deriving. Post these examples in your recovery thread.

Multiple Chains engaging in simultaneously

My multiple Chain event would be masturbation. It has developed over the years, as the amount of overall stimulation has decreased, so new elements were added. For example - I had to watch videos while masturbating instead of images, as I felt images were too "boring". Frequency increased, and become a reward based behaviour, or a soothing behaviour. So something good happened I would masturbate, something bad happened I would console myself with masturbating. So now, I have gone from images to videos, increased in frequency. Then "normal" porn becomes "boring" so you look for other things to give you that exciting feeling, so different categories - things that are then more taboo, and not socially accepted, so group sex, toys etc... That gives you a sense of variety and excitement. Luckily for me, things didn't progress from porn to real-word scenarios, EG strippers/prostitutes and so on, however it might has well been, as you start seeing all woman as pieces of meat and nothing more.

back-to-back Multiple Chains engaging in simultaneously

This was a easy one for me to choose. So you have online gaming, sport and masturbation. Firstly it started with the high of sport. I have always been good at sport, so I would get a "high" when playing. Then when I would get home, to keep the emotional intensity, I would play online gaming. I would be my addiction, and almost cost me a university degree. Online gaming is the perfect compliment for porn addiction in my opinion as it re-enforces everything that porn enforces. Example, porn makes become less intimate, as you do not want to people to know that you masturbate to porn. Online gaming, you create a fake identity and then begin to build up that fake identity. Everything is instant gratification, and must be done now. Provides an emotional high and excitement. You get artificial praise and recognition. Then often if not always, you would go to bed after everyone else has fallen asleep within the house, so now you masturbate to celebrate to go to sleep, as everything is quiet and you can "get away with it". You also feel as if you do not masturbate and release tension, that you wont be able to sleep, so now you have this situation where you cannot sleep till you have masturbated. This basically put me in a constant "high".

All in all as I have said, they worked very well for me together, and it was also an underlying tone in the community that porn was rife, so I wasnt any different from anyone, just reaffirming the fact that I was "fine " and "normal"


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:23 am 
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Lesson 28

1.Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.
2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.
3. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.


1. Masturbation - Wanted to "feel good" so turned to porn. Thought about how and where i was going to watch so that I wasn't caught. Isolated myself, was a bit exciting as it was "naughty". Watched a video that I thought could be "exciting" - orgasm-ed at the same time she did (heightened the emotional outcome). Cleaning up behaviour kicked in - and I deleted all the evidence that I had watched porn.
3. One way to increase emotional satisfaction is if the sexual act in which I was watching was more taboo. Synchronising of my orgasm (better) with hers or his would increase pleasure. And frequency would be better too. More is better in that scenario. I don't like slideshows, or anything. So having an alternative "medium" would not be beneficial for me.

SiD


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 1:40 am 
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Lesson 29

After you have done this for fifteen minutes (or longer), and before you engage in any compulsive behavior, open your eyes and complete the following:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.


The first thoughts that were triggered were the "good"" or "happy" ones. So the excitement of having an orgasm, and the release, but as time followed, you realise that the "good" time is very short and very superficial. Guilt, fear and confusion of my vision and disappointment that I had not kept my word then became a lot stronger.

i would not say it was a battle, but your mind plays good and bad off each other. "Orgasm is good, so what is wrong with it." "Masturbation is not hurting anyone." "You are not killing anyone." "Just this once - and then you can stop." "you could be missing out on something or a new video". So at times, then you do think - "fuck it, why not" and that is why it is important to see the opposite side of the coin. That those good feelings are very fleeting, and it actually breaks a lot more of you than you think. Intimacy and connection with yourself, erodes your self-esteem as you break promise after promise to yourself, doesn't allow you to live with the values and the vision that you have set for yourself. So all in all, a deep sadness if you would have to act on your urge.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

Least anxious state would be at the moment, where my partner could look on my phone, computer and everywhere else, and not find porn or messages to other woman, or flirting. I feel that I can be more open and trusting, being able to let her in and build something with her.

Most Anxious state is when I was in high school, and I had watched porn and I went to school, and I thought that I hadn't deleted my history and that my parents would find out. It was so severe that I caused a migraine and I had to come back from school (one of the only migraines that I have ever had) and the other most anxious state was when I was caught with porn with my partner. The strain and stress it put on me and our relationship was insane. And I am lucky to still have my partner!

The pattern is deliberately put there - no porn = much happier life. More porn = much more filled anxious life.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 2:39 pm 
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LESSON 30

While I know that you do not need to write anything down I have come to a few conclusions.

1) My emotions rule me a lot more than what I thought they did.
2) Emotions was you to act immediately (instant gratification) - where values are long term.
3) Its very easy for me to succumb to emotions, than remember my Value structure.
4) Values are not tested in the easy times - and when there was a conflict, emotions came out instead of values (specifically anger).
5) Emotions are very forgiving while values hold a high standard, and no room for slipping.
6) You can justify any emotion, where if you hold it to your value, you cannot justify things. They just right or wrong.

I have been thinking today and I see values as foundations and walls for a house, while the emotions are like colors. You cannot build a house with color - so you need your decisions to come from a value base, or the foundation base. Once you have the foundations, you can then paint the wall whatever color you want, as the structure is always there.

It has become apparent that I do not have a sufficient foundation base - so will keep this in mind going forward for tomorrow too.

SiD


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 1:09 am 
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Lesson 31

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

1) Work Deadline - Mild to severe
2) Emotional Aspect of the Relationship - Mild to severe - this is as myself and my partner wok together, so when work stress increases, it filters over to personal.
3) Family - mild
4) Friends - mild

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritised values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

I do see a pattern, however it is not to my top values. I am stopping masturbating, or perving or lying, as apposed to living a healthy life. More white knuckling as apposed to actually working through and dealing with things. My life is more of instant gratification still - not of working towards a goal and succeeding it. I let myself off the hook too easily. That is quiet a revelation.

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

I think that I am only operating at a fraction of what I personally can, as well as only getting a fraction out of life as what I can. All in all I am still not living a healthy lifestyle. More like an absence of something as apposed to a balance. I do not look at or think about my values - so now have printed out my values so that I can see them every day.

Life has so much to give - and I am going to suck all the juices out of it!

SiD


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:50 am 
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hello Sid
Quote:
I do see a pattern, however it is not to my top values. I am stopping masturbating, or perving or lying, as apposed to living a healthy life. More white knuckling as apposed to actually working through and dealing with things. My life is more of instant gratification still - not of working towards a goal and succeeding it. I let myself off the hook too easily. That is quiet a revelation.


great recognition
now what are you going with this revelation?

Quote:
I am going to suck all the juices out of it!

healthily I hope

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:40 pm 
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haha yes Kenzo, healthily :)

What I am going to do with the revelation is follows (and what I have been doing) - Instead of saying "I mustnt watch porn, as that is bad" the thought has been that of "The person who i am doesnt want to watch porn, doesnt miss watching porn and porn actively takes away from my life".

Before it was like I was missing something good, so thats why I said white knuckling. And sooner or later you would "reward" yourself. In this way, you wouldn't be rewarding yourself, but actually physically harming it - so the draw is not as intense.

I am not saying I have this sorted out - not at all. What I am saying however is that I have an active plan that I know will work - and taking each day as it comes :)

SiD


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:56 pm 
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:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 1:50 am 
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Posts: 109
Lesson 32

"1) Developing Empathy/Vulnerability
2) Having honesty
3) Control over all emotions
4) Developing and showing lust towards my partner
5) Living with Integrity
6) Being happy and having fun in my life and in my relationship.
7) Developing my sexual desire and lust back.
8) Improving Love
9) Taking care of myself of those around me and myself
10) Facing and overcoming my fears step by step
11) High Work ethic - always give my best in every situation
12) Being loyal
13) Being a man and what that mean (strong/decisive/in-charge and in-control)
14) Not having to win arguments, instead learn to love and support.
15) Strengthening my spiritual connection."

I do honestly feel that I have been osculating in the depressed model of recovery. Very "Up and Down". I feel that although I "know" what to do, and do do it at times, I then have reverted back, and so the cycle continues.

The difficulty that I am dealing with, is merging the two together, knowledge and action, and actually committing to myself that I will not go back to old behavioral patterns. So adjustments to my top 15 points are as follows:

1) Developing Empathy/Vulnerability - I have hardly developed Empathy and Vulnerability. I have not put myself in the other persons shoes, seen what I have done to them, and then taken the appropriate steps to not only ease the pain, but also begin repairing it.
2) Having Honesty - I can hugely improve on this - and what I find, is that I lie about trivial things, nothing that should be lied about. Things that are not "bad" but meerly the fact that I am lying about it, makes it worse.
3) Control over emotions - I feel that I have made significant steps forward in this regard, however over the time that it has taken me to do the course, I should be a LOT further on that what I actually am.
4) Developing and showing lust towards my partner - This particular point, i need to really work on. I find it very easy to blame my partner - "you dont want to have sex with me etc etc" so then I stop trying and pull away sexually. However after everything that we have gone through, it is amazing that should woudl still even want to sleep with me. So i know that I need to push through the resistance. Accepting full responsibility is still hard.
5) Living with Integrity - I have not lived with full integrity, however that has changed ( but doesnt everyone who doesnt have integrity say that lol)
6) Being happy and having fun in my life and in my relationship - I feel that we are having fun as a couple now. but more as "friends" than passionate lovers.
7) Developing my sexual desire and lust back - I still have "shut away" the sexual side of myself, as I feel it is bad and evil. This creates a problem for me, as that sexual person is a part of me, and is not evil and bad, but integrating him in with my life has been slower and more difficult that thought. But if I am honest, I have not done enough work on that either.
8) Improving Love - I have imporved love, however love is the physical representation of your empathy and care of that individual. So while I have improved that greatly, I have a very far way to go! However I am going to replace this with consistency and true determination. Having a high level of consistency and effort.
9) Taking care of myself of those around me and myself - I have gotten a lot better at being less selfish and helping those around me. But I still lack true vulnerability, which I know needs to improve.
10) Facing and overcoming my fears step by step - I have recognised that everything needs to be broken down into smaller steps, that will make up your main goals. I have established these smaller steps and progressing nicely in this manner.
11) High Work ethic - always give my best in every situation - I feel that I have done very well in this area, however to the detriment of other areas. I also need to work smarter, and not necessarily harder.
12) Being loyal - I am much more loyal than I have ever been (which was not hard) however, I do need more loyalty that what I currently display.
13) Being a man and what that mean (strong/decisive/in-charge and in-control) - I have not done well in that. I am not the leader, and have a very low self confidence.
14) Not having to win arguments, instead learn to love and support - while this has improved, i feel that my initial instinct is to win, so the fight starts like that, then I need to remind myself that love comes first, but often it takes too long to get to that point.
15) Strengthening my spiritual connection - this has not been focused on consistently and needs to be improved.

Basically as an overview, I have not done well at all. While I have certainly made significant progress - the time it has taken combined with the up and down of my recovery is in no way good or even acceptable. I cannot honestly say, that I am happy with any of the 15 points that i set out to change.

But lets do what point 8 is, and now improve my consistency and determination - and really achieve emotional balance through correct goal settings and delayed gratification, which as we know is so much better in the long term, and builds healthy individuals.

SiD24


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PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2017 1:19 am 
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Lesson 33

I do realize that emotionally, i am very immature, and while I knew that I needed to "grow up emotionally", knowing that all emotions are finite has really helped me in terms of actually placing the urge on a realistic scale and seeing that it is not a "mythical" force, but merely a choice that I have become used to making. Nothing more or less. With training, the same choice can be done with regards to choosing a healthy balanced decision "automatically".

Making the post so that I can update it today.

EDIT - over the last couple days, I have been hyper aware of my emotional maturity. I have made a continuous choice that I am in control of all areas - and that there is nothing that has "mythical" forces over me. On a side note, what has also helped is Mel Robbins technique where you count from 5 down to 1 and then do what you want. All in all, excellent starting point.


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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 2:45 am 
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Lesson 34
A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:

I would go out, needing to "get lucky" - as a result, I had to be the funniest, or smartest etc, so that I could win. I didn't care if me sleeping with someone would ruin a friendship. All i knew, was that I want to have sex, and I would actively push to that point. That has cost me friendships - and one night stands with woman that I didn't even like, but because I could get sex out of it, I did.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

When I was not acting out, I was anxious, i couldn't concentrate, something felt off, and i felt like a looser. Specifically if I was going out, I would see other guys get with woman, and then it would become like a game for me per say. A game that I needed to win, and if after going out, I didn't have someone it was interpenetrated as a failure. It was more than a like but a NEED that I had. But then if you kiss a girl, you then needed to kiss two etc and then a new precedent was set - so it just kept getting worse.

As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

While I was younger it was very exciting, filled with danger and to be seen as a "jock" - "who am I going to meet - will they want to sleep with me - how good would they be - what could I push for sexually". So while in the compulsive ritual, it was "awesome" - however after the ritual [albeit only after I have started RN, you feel absolutely terrible, you know that you are hurting your self long term] but whilest in the ritual, you do not mind the consequence.

SiD


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 2:41 am 
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Lesson 35

I have battled with being assertive, both within my relationship as well as business and almost been scared to take lead. This has a negative effect, as if I am not leading, then my partner is. This in turn builds resentment in her, as I am not being the man of the house, and rather just a roommate. Intimacy them suffers and it has a knock on effect. So taken that into consideration, I have the following three monitoring goals.


Weekly Monitoring Goals

1) I am looking for opportunities to lead, in both a business capacity as well as within my relationship.
2) I am looking for opportunities to communicate clearly, honestly and to the point.
3) I am looking for opportunities to do activities without the reminding of someone close to me.

Will update how it goes.

SiD


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 5:44 pm 
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LESSON 36

1) Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

In all my relationships, I have viewed cheating, as only physical contact with another person, example, kissing, sex etc, and not flirting, perving etc. It has caused me great personal consequences in my relationships where I felt that I was being harshly judged/criticized for looking at another girl. I thought it was natural. My relationship boundaries were not well defined at all. I was always on the look out for "something better".

2) Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

Again, the chosen area is relationships. Having a clear understanding what cheating is. Cheating is not physically putting a penis into a Virgina, but you also get emotional cheating and the list goes on. Having a solid set of relationship boundaries for both what you should and shouldn't do helps in two ways. One, it defiantly does build that self confidence that was spoken about in the session. What I find even more satisfying is the level of intimacy that your partner can now give to you, as they feel you are now pulling your weight in that area.

I have had a bit of a tipsy turby road with boundaries. For example in the typical addict mindset, I would become a Nazi about my boundaries, and not let anyone or anything break them. Then if broken, well then it was like the boundary never existed. This cycle continued many times. What I have found is that my boundaries need to have two core factors. Example - I want to loose 5kg's in a month. The first set of rules will be that I need to eat clean food, so lots of veggies etc etc - but the bigger goal is that I must be healthy and have a positive healthy lifestyle. So then if I "cheat" and eat a piece of cake, although the initial boundary is broken, my core belief of being healthy has not been broken, as overall my health has been better, so then I do not feel that I have broken that promise. I suppose you need to be more fluid in how you reach your goal - as was said, you cannot control all the factors that life has given you.

Looking back at the past where I had no boundaries, that was actually a terrifying thing for me, I was an extreme people pleaser - I had no idea who I was, never mind what I actually liked and wanted, and went with whatever the wind blew. My ego was fragile, and I had no self confidence, and of course, I couldn't be relied upon for anything. That has caused me a lot of pain and sadness in my life.

SiD


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