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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 2:40 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
1) actively committing yourself to change
I have been thinking about this since yesterday. I actually was looking for counseling through my medical provider then I noticed my wife text me this link. After reading the introductory work I decided to take the teachings to heart. I am committed to myself to change and clear it is not because I am trying to fix a relationship but my addiction. It was incredibly hard to fully accept, I think I am still wrestling a bit w/ the notion I am addicted to masturbating.
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Right now I am pushing through the guilt and the shame. It's day two and i almost lost my wife and am not sure what this will look like when over but I am praying/creating a better relationship with my wife then it was before.
3) allowing yourself time to change.
I am ready and i get it will take time, I know though I need to curb my over-confidence and tendency to be cocky.

I am getting it is important to own my recovery, to manage the feelings of guilt around it as it might sabotage or send me over the edge, also I have to look forward and I am learning to accept I can't do anything about the past.

B.
1. I want to have an open, loving and healthy marriage 2. rebuild my family to being better then it was 3. learn who I really am 4. Being straight 5. to manage my feelings in a healthy/productive way 6. have a healthy view of women 7. replace masturbation with healthy options 8. To fully say I am free and myself 9. be and create full integrity in me 10. to complete and be with my family through this 11. to be permanently free of this addiction

C. i cried pretty much right away when I looked at myself as a child, I yearned to be back to those almost like a reset button.I wanted to hold and hug him and tell him what I know now. He reminds me of my son and how I want only good things for him/me.


Last edited by openandready on Mon Jun 27, 2016 12:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 7:40 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hello O&R
and welcome to RN

Quote:
my wife text me this link. After reading the introductory work I decided to take the teachings to heart. I am committed to myself to change and clear it is not because I am trying to fix a relationship but my addiction.
:g: :g:
and that is the only way that you can succeed, do it for you, in doing so you will additionally demonstrate to her that you have value



Quote:
It was incredibly hard to fully accept, I think I am still wrestling a bit w/ the notion I am addicted to masturbating.

admission of addiction is an extremely difficult hurdle to overcome, so put that to one side - for now


Quote:
It's day two and i almost lost my wife and am not sure what this will look like when over but I am praying/creating a better relationship with my wife then it was before.
from the shoulder, could it be worse, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, even in the worst case scenario of separation, your participation in the lessons can make you a better person

Quote:
I am getting it is important to own my recovery, to manage the feelings of guilt around it as it might sabotage or send me over the edge, also I have to look forward and I am learning to accept I can't do anything about the past.


you cannot undo the past, but you can own your past and you can make amends, but that comes later
so for now if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 1:52 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
thank you coach kenzo, the input was helpful. I noticed the suggestion of 3 lessons a week and posting/reading posts daily. I'll make sure to do that, I truly am committed.


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 Post subject: Lesson 2: vision/part C
PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2016 12:11 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
My life's vision:
I will live a healthy life; replacing my addiction with healthy outlets and activities (go to church, stay active – paddle board, workout, run, and walk, talk with my wife). I will successfully complete my recovery program. I will be a mature and responsible man, owning who I am and who I am not.

I choose my marriage and my family over my addiction. I’ll rebuild our lives together, being honest with my family and sticking to my commitment to being there fully for them.

I will do all I can to support my wife through her recovery, to support her in good and bad times. I will create for her a life free of my addiction in it and rebuild her trust in me. We will have communication and intimacy that is open and free. I choose my wife completely.

My children will grow and thrive, as the best versions of my wife and I. My children will know my wife and I will always be together, resting assured no matter how hard life gets we will find a way to work through it together.

Lastly, I will live a life choosing honesty, integrity, and freedom of addiction.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:41 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hello O&R

when posting please hit the reply and not the new topic key
this keeps all of your posts in one thread making it easy for you to refer back to as you progress and yes you should refer back even though your focus needs to be on moving forwards
I suggest that you copy your other posts into one thread

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Lesson 3: my values
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 10:19 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
Staying active
I will be active three or more times a week (working out, walking, running or paddle boarding)
Living in integrity
Strengthening my role as a father to my children
Being devoted to my wife and kids
Being tenacious in my pursuit of healthy intimacy with my wife
Being a role model for my family
Sexual intimacy
Feeling of mutual sexual desire
Encouraging my wife's independence
Feeling unconditional love
Being known as reliable
Communicating feelings
Self-discipline
I will be honest with myself, facing life’s ups and downs head on
Raising healthy children
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Bringing joy to others
Being dependable
Being reliable
Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Establishing my legacy
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Feeling happy and content
I will go to church to pray and be with God, once a month or more.
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
I will complete each of my recovery lessons as they were meant to be completed
I will put others needs before my own as a way of life
I will be at peace with myself
I will be myself in my life, particularly my wife
I will notice when I am triggered to be someone else or lose confidence in myself
Being tenacious in my pursuit of healthy intimacy with my wife
Every time I am with Joie I will be my true self, if I am not I will clear myself and communicate it
Being a role model for my family
Raising healthy children
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
I will act, speak, and guide my children to be the best version of themselves
Feeling of mutual sexual desire
Build my wife and I’s sex life through healthy sex without masturbation and unhealthy past habits
Support my wife’s goals, life and independence
Feeling unconditional love
Being known as reliable
I will complete my chores, jobs, and responsibilities completely (work on cars until the are fixed, keep up with maintenance, as well as follow up independently on what I said I would do for my family)
Communicating feelings
I will communicate to my wife when I have unhealthy urges, when I feel I am struggling with addiction, and when I feel at a loss
I will practice Self-discipline through prayer, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, and communication
Bringing joy and compassion to others
Volunteering every quarter, being supportive of those in need
Nurturing children’s creativity
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Getting outdoors every week for 30 minutes or more
Establishing my legacy
I will have a strong and lasting marriage my children can be proud of
Feeling happy and content
When I am in doubt I will face my fear and choose family, marriage, and a healthy lifestyle
Accepting responsibility for my life
Everyday take responsibility for my mistakes and successes
I will be tenacious in strengthening intimacy and trust with my wife
I will treat my marriage with respect and honesty (being straight)
Being my word
Vulnerability
Being a leader at home
Sacrificing for others
I will live for my family and others in family and career
Building/fixing things
I will put my energy into fixing what doesn’t work or is broken in our home/cars
I will do something romantic that expresses my love for my wife every week
I will be intimate (hug, cuddle, talk, be with each other, and physically into each other) and with Joie minimum two to three times a week
I will talk to my wife openly and honestly
I will ensure I show my wife compassion and support regularly


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 9:19 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
Here are my 15 top values:
1. Devotion to my wife and kids
2. Creating healthy intimacy with my wife
3. I will have a strong and lasting marriage my children can be proud of
4. Communicate openly and honestly my thoughts and feelings to my wife, no later then the day they occur
5. Learning to enjoy foreplay more than or as much as climaxing
6. I will communicate to my wife when I have unhealthy urges, when I feel I am struggling with addiction, and when I feel at a loss of what to do whenever it occurs
7. Support my wife’s goals, life and independence
8. I will do physical and creative activities with my son two to three times a week
9. Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
10. When in doubt I will choose family, marriage, and a healthy lifestyle over my addiction
11. Staying active
12. Appreciating natural beauty/nature
13. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
14. I will practice Self-discipline through prayer, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, and communication
15. Vulnerability


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 8:43 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
I edited slightly my first post from lesson 5...

1. Devotion to my wife and kids
2. Creating healthy intimacy with my wife
3. I will have a strong and lasting marriage my children can be proud of
4. Communicate openly and honestly my thoughts and feelings to my wife, no later than 48 hours
5. Learning to enjoy foreplay more than or as much as climaxing
6. I will communicate to my wife when I have unhealthy urges, when I feel I am struggling with addiction, and when I feel at a loss of what to do whenever it occurs
7. Support my wife’s goals, life and independence
8. I will do physical and creative activities with my son two to three times a week
9. Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
10. When in doubt I will choose family, marriage, and a healthy lifestyle over my addiction
11. Staying active – walking, hiking, running, work out, and paddle boarding 3 or more x’s a week
12. Appreciating natural beauty/nature – 30 minutes a week
13. Enhancing my spiritual awareness – medicate weekly 2 to 3 times
14. I will practice Self-discipline through prayer, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, and regular communication
15. Vulnerability – embrace it


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 Post subject: lesson 6 action plan
PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 9:50 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
1. Staying active

• Walking, hiking, running, working out, and paddle boarding 3 or more x’s a week
• Go to gym classes 3 times a week
• Complete my food journal every day – ask Scott to check it
• Set time aside each weekend to walk, run, hike w/ Joie and Collin
• Do physical and or creative activities with Collin 2 to 3 times a week
• Go to yoga class whenever possible with Joie
• Order fit bit scale in April – to regularly monitor weight
• Using physical activity to reduce stress, frustration, anxiety/depression

2. Enhancing my spiritual awareness

• Read the book Joie suggested – the gift of imperfections
• Meditate every other day and embrace the teaching of each meditation lesson
• Practice the spiritual teachings of tantric sex
• Pray weekly for guidance and reassurance
• Spend time outside in nature at work for 15 minutes daily and at home/on the weekends an hour or more


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 Post subject: lesson 7
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 4:04 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
1. Devote myself to my wife and kids (devotion = love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause
• My family is my top priority – ensure I balance work and my personal life
• Spending quality time with my wife, son and daughter when I see her or make the most of our time over the phone
• Focus my desire on my wife using tantric sex, meditation, open communication and adventurous intimacy/sex
• When in doubt I will choose family, marriage, and a healthy lifestyle over my addiction
• Attend therapy bi-weekly
• Complete Rec. nation, working on it T, Th, and Sun
• Review landmark forum
• Be real and straight with my wife and kids
2. Creating healthy intimacy with my wife
• Have sex as expression of my love and respect for our relationship
• Practice tantric sex – put it into practice
• Ensure when I think about and have sex it is mutual with the aim to please both my wife and I
• Be adventurous in our sex life
• Make sex as a created event – to work towards
• Use exercise, spirituality and communication to manage stress vs. sex
• I will be intimate (hug, cuddle, talk, be with each other, and be together sexually) with my wife a minimum of three times a week
• Feeling of mutual sexual desire between my wife and I
• Have a sex life without masturbation and unhealthy habits
• Learn to enjoy foreplay more than or as much as climaxing
3. I will have a strong and lasting marriage my children can be proud of
• Attend therapy as a practice or process for my wife and I to keep our relationship strong
• Show my wife my love through my actions and care of her as a model to my children
• Being a leader at home
• I will do something romantic that expresses my love for my wife every week (i.e. surprise gifts, do odd jobs/work for her, flowers, massage, etc.)
4. Open and honest Communication without hiding
• I will communicate to my wife when I have unhealthy urges, when I feel I am struggling with addiction, and when I feel at a loss of what to do whenever it occurs
• I will communicate and share my struggles, stressors, and bad feeling to my wife when they occur.
• Communicate openly and honestly my thoughts and feelings to my wife, no later than 48 hours
• Tell my wife everyday if I am ok or not (thinking of masturbating or not)
• Work on my communication in therapy
5. Support my wife’s goals, life and independence
• Check on her progress with physical trainer and nutritionist studies/prep
• Provide her support if she needs time to work and study
• Encourage her to go after her dreams/goals
6. Strengthening my role as father to my children
• Provide my son with a strong fatherly role model
• Spend quality time with him – undivided attention
• Address his concerns (i.e. bullying)
• Ensure he plays regularly, particularly outside and with others
• Play with my son fully
7. I will do physical and creative activities with my son two to three times a week
• Build something using tools – steps for the dog, mounts for his nerf guns, a bird house
• Have him help me when I work in the yard, or on the cars/RV
• Ride a bike, walk, hike, exercise at least once weekly
• Read aloud to each other
• Draw, listen to music, make a video, or something as a creative outlet
8. Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
• Show Collin how to treat women (model how to treat a future partner)
• Talk with Sam about life/future – give input open and honestly
• Treat my daughter as an equal and an adult
• Give Collin clear and balanced guidance
9. Appreciating natural beauty/nature
• Be outside watching/taking nature in 30 minutes a week
• Go paddle boarding every weekend I can
• Whenever I am out in nature take the time to admire, give thanks, and take it in
• Hike a few times a month with the family
• Plan hiking/back packing trips with my wife and the kids
• Get the RV ready so we can camp monthly
10. I will practice Self-discipline through spirituality
• I will pray at minimum every other day – giving thanks first
• I will meditate weekly
• I will exercise three to four times a week focusing on clearing my mind
• I will eat healthier at night/before I go to bed
• Have regular communication with my wife and people I care for about my spiritual growth and journey
11. Being Vulnerable
• Trust in the process of therapy
• Trust I can be open and honest with my wife and my kids without losing them
• Open up to my son and daughter by sharing my life, including my struggle
• Talk to my parents openly and honestly
12. Establishing my legacy
• Provide for my children so they can be successful in school and starting out in life
• Ensure my daughter is supported as she transitions to adult life with initial finances, housing, and guidance
• Teach my kids all I know to be successful, positive, and contributing members of our world
• Guide and teach Collin on becoming young man

13. Staying active
• Walking, hiking, running, working out, and paddle boarding 3 or more x’s a week
• Go to gym classes 3 times a week
• Complete my food journal every day – ask Scott to check it
• Set time aside each weekend to walk, run, hike w/ Joie and Collin
• Do physical and or creative activities with Collin 2 to 3 times a week
• Go to yoga class whenever possible with Joie
• Order fit bit scale in April – to regularly monitor weight
• Using physical activity to reduce stress, frustration, anxiety/depression

14. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
• Read the book Joie suggested – the gift of imperfections
• Meditate every other day and embrace the teaching of each meditation lesson
• Practice the spiritual teachings of tantric sex
• Pray weekly for guidance and reassurance
• Spend time outside in nature at work for 15 minutes daily and at home/on the weekends an hour or more


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 7:07 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Quote:
I noticed the suggestion of 3 lessons a week and posting/reading posts daily. I'll make sure to do that, I truly am committed.


:pe:
its been a while

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 1:06 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
thanks Kenzo,

I am working towards three days a week consistently on recovery nation. I would say I am at about 2 days a week but I don't check posts daily. I am going to therapy, a sticking with working out, and meditating. My communication with my wife is so much better, my struggles revolve more around understanding what worries me or makes me anxious and building the courage sooner to say what needs to be said, I sometime will say something at the end of the day or the next day when I want to speak up sooner.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 1:10 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
At this point I don't have any material or apps or anything left I go to to watch porn in order to masturbate. There were no relationships I had or interactions I had to keep up the addiction. The one thing I am working on is looking at women throughout the day to remember them as did when I used to masturbate. I have to make a conscious effort not to look or have inappropriate thoughts I used to have in order to get off. So far each time it has come up I have talked to my wife about it and did all I could to get it out and not keep it in.

My struggle is between knowing my emotions and how to address them and working toward not making myself wrong or dwelling on my short comings too much.
My areas where I need to work on are:
1. masturbation - managing the emotions that lead me to use this as a release and avoid taking head on issues in my life or stress.
2. Porn - a tool i use to masturbate, it skews my perception of my wife, women, and sex/intimacy in general.

:w:


Last edited by openandready on Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: lesson 12
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:24 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
It is mostly for me sorting out my emotions. What I find to be closest I get to behavior that might cause me to relapse is 1) not communicating my feelings/stress 2) assuming or ignoring my feelings. When stress is high and I am closed off I have had subtle thoughts of masturbation or simply the worry of relapsing/masturbation. It feels more like an opening for relapse. I am attending therapy, reading and working on recovery nation on average now two to three times a week. Through that I am finding how my bad thinking or "immature" way of thinking or living life appears n needs to be managed and who I want to be. The craziest part of it all is I am often nervous, nervous of relapse or more like thoughts and being exposed when I am being who I want to be. In short getting used to being my true self and managing and exposing my old self.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:42 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:54 am
Posts: 66
Being devoted to my wife and kids
Strengthening my role as a father to my children
Being tenacious in my pursuit of healthy intimacy with my wife
I will have a strong and lasting marriage my children can be proud of
Communicating feelings
I will be myself in my life, particularly my wife
I will notice when I am triggered to be someone else or lose confidence in myself
Accepting responsibility for my life
I will do something romantic that expresses my love for my wife every week
I will be intimate (hug, cuddle, talk, be with each other, and physically into each other) and with Joie minimum two to three times a week
I will talk to my wife openly and honestly
I will ensure I show my wife compassion and support regularly
I will treat my marriage with respect and honesty (being straight)
Being tenacious in my pursuit of healthy intimacy with my wife
Feeling happy and content
Staying active
I will be active three or more times a week (working out, walking, running or paddle boarding)
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Getting outdoors every week for 30 minutes or more
Support my wife’s goals, life and independence
Bringing joy to others
I will go to church to pray and be with God, once a month or more.
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
I will complete each of my recovery lessons as they were meant to be completed
I will put others needs before my own as a way of life
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Feeling unconditional love
I will complete my chores, jobs, and responsibilities completely (work on cars until the are fixed, keep up with maintenance, as well as follow up independently on what I said I would do for my family)
I will communicate to my wife when I have unhealthy urges, when I feel I am struggling with addiction, and when I feel at a loss
I will practice Self-discipline through prayer, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, and communication
Bringing joy and compassion to others
Volunteering every quarter, being supportive of those in need
Building/fixing things
I will put my energy into fixing what doesn’t work or is broken in our home/cars
Living with integrity
Being a role model for my family
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Sexual intimacy
Feeling of mutual sexual desire
Feeling unconditional love
Being known as reliable
Self-discipline
I will be honest with myself, facing life’s ups and downs head on
Raising healthy children
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Being dependable
Being reliable
Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
Establishing my legacy
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Feeling happy and content
I will be at peace with myself
Every time I am with my wife I will be my true self, if I am not I will clear myself and communicate it
Being a role model for my family
Raising healthy children
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
I will act, speak, and guide my children to be the best version of themselves
Feeling of mutual sexual desire
Build my wife and I’s sex life through healthy sex without masturbation and unhealthy past habits
Being known as reliable
Nurturing children’s creativity
Establishing my legacy
When I am in doubt I will face my fear and choose family, marriage, and a healthy lifestyle
Being my word
Vulnerability
Being a leader at home
Sacrificing for others


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