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PostPosted: Sat Oct 08, 2016 8:31 pm 
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Lesson 29 Exercise:
The role of emotions in motivating behavior is a critical aspect of understanding addiction. Without emotions, addiction does not exists. Without that intense need, that desire, that craving...addiction does not exist. To better understand this principle, you are going to be asked to do something that will require a signficant emotional effort on your part.

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Fifteen mintues (or longer, but not less than). Then close your eyes and just feel. Think of things that are important to you. Think of your values. Think of your regrets. Think of trauma that you have experienced. Think of wonderful moments. Let yourself experience whatever emotions that come freely. Focus on each of the emotions, and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise). Stay in touch with the feelings. Experience the emotions that come with these thoughts. Forget about your physical self...focus only on the emotions that you are experiencing.

Now, consider one of your milder compulsive behaviors. Try to get in touch with the feelings that are generated with this behavior. If you find yourself getting triggered to act, forbid yourself. Then focus on the anxiety that is produced with that decision. Really allow yourself to get in touch with the stress that is building. Consider the reality that, either during this exercise or soon thereafter, you will face the challenge of deciding whether or not you should act on these feelings. Begin to feel the consequences of both your decision to masturbate, and your decision to remain committed to recovery.

After you have done this for fifteen minutes (or longer), and before you engage in any compulsive behavior, open your eyes and complete the following:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

A: The emotions that I have experienced included joy for times that I have gotten married, had a child, had a new home and loved by my family; sorrow for the times that I have lost my father and when I caused sadness in my family; touched by the sacrifices that have been made by my family and for not giving up on me time and again and anger for behaving in the way that I should not have to cause hurt and sadness to those who love me.

B: The least anxious state that I have experienced is when I was in meditation sitting and simply observed my breath and sensations on my body. There is a certain calmness and relaxed state both on the mind and body during such instances. The other extreme is experienced when I engage in my compulsive sexual chains, the most intense feelings on my body is felt and every nerve seems to be tingling and pulsating at the same time. I seem to have heightened sense of alertness and very little rest on every part of myself. Typically, I will also not be able to sleep well after that as both my mind and body will still be in this anxious heightened state for the next 24 hours.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 4:03 am 
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Lesson 31 Exercise:
In learning to effectively manage your life (e.g. maintain relative emotional balance), it is important to develop an ongoing awareness of where the majority of your energy is being exhausted and where it is being derived. In your Personal Recovery Thread:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?
Share any insights in your Personal Recovery Thread.

A. The past week has been extremely tough for me as I was not feeling well and there was a lot of stress at work as well. I think emotionally I felt drained and probably want more time to do things that took more care of myself and my family. Being told off for work tasks: moderate. Feeling tired and lethargic: mild. Not enough time spent with family: moderate. Lack of personal time and space: moderate/extreme. Unable to spend time to upkeep health: moderate. Rejected by wife for sexual intimacy: moderate. Turning down friend's/ family meetings due to work: moderate. Less time to do meditation: mild.

B. I do see that the stressors in life come from a lack of time and space to do those things that I value and want to. Like mentioned in A, when I am not able to upkeep my physical and emotional well being then I feel less happy and the balance is tilted towards not being able to fulfill them as I normally would have liked to. The conflict is exactly because I am not able to achieve the things that I value, hence I feel a sense of dissatisfaction and emotional instability sets in. A question would be how would I be able to then balance these values, especially when I am unable to achieve them as I normally would?

C. I do see conflict in some of the values and the way that I get stimulation and meaning from the things that I do. For example, in spending more time on doing things that will help my own growth (eg. meditation, reading and sports) sometimes I will also lose out time with family. When I try to become a more vocal and speak my mind, I do sometimes hurt the very people that I wish to love and protect. Hence these values will need to be balanced and at the same time have enough flexibility to incorporate some parts of each other as a bigger umbrella that I can hold as my true self.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2016 9:06 pm 
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Lesson 32 Exercise:
1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.
2. Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed.

Action plans:

1. At peace with myself by reflecting in meditation everyday
• Monitor and reflect on personal health on a daily basis
• Some time spent on meditation and prayers everyday
• Give thanks for things that I have and own
• Aware of the stresses and challenges that I face daily
• Acknowledge that there can be certain days that are not good
• Identify key stressors in affecting my moods
• Ask myself if I have communicated my thoughts and moods
• On a scale of 1-10, how am I coping in my actions?
• Consider talk, walk, exercise, read/ write
Seem to be quite on target for this one, though I can probably give thanks and communicate more often to myself and others around me.

2. Expressing myself more to be a loving and faithful husband
• Be generous with my hugs and kisses
• Communicate my feelings and thoughts clearly and without censorship
• Be gentle, yet firm with my decisions when necessary
• Explain my intentions and plans (expect to hear alternative views)
• If affected by comments or actions, relate and connect with feelings or touch
• Affirmation and praise constantly to build love
• Demonstrate and express my physical/sexual needs
• Serve when I feel ready, not obligatory
• No U-turn policy: There is no way to infidelity
• Give my love willingly, readily and spontaneously
• Spend time to communicate everyday over dinner or after
• Did I say or demonstrate ‘I love you’ to her today?
• Tell mum or bro if there are any stressors that I cannot handle between us
• Less judging, more understanding
• Do little things like post-it notes, messages, writing or gifts
• Celebrate our achievements as a team- birthday, anniversaries, holidays etc
• Amplify my love and allow it to overflow in any way possible within us
• Ask and remember ‘ what can I do for you’ story
Still need to work more in this plan. Will seem to feel less enthusiastic when everyday chores overwhelm us.

3. Spend time to be a caring and bff father
• Spend time to have fun everyday
• Stay silly and funny without need to assert authority
• Give hugs and kisses willingly and readily
• Reassure when need hurt or confidence needed
• Read and sing songs together
• More patience, less distractions
• Enjoy the moment
• Be firm but not harsh when discipline is needed
Feel accomplished in this area, need to keep distractions out when possible.

4. Deepen my relationship with god by reading and learning more
• Read up on religion and find out more about information available
• Meditate or do prayers to be in constant contact everyday
• Communicate when in doubt or feel lost
• Ask for help and signs when it is needed
• Use it as a guiding light to prevent myself from deviating from recovery path
• Join in talks or activities might help me understand god better
Prayers are still frequently done, though not on a daily basis. Need to find time to read up more too.

5. Show more compassion and kindness to others via volunteer work
• Reflect on actions and thoughts every day and ask if it shows kindness/compassion
• Sign up for activities when possible and enjoy the process
• Do little things that cultivate my compassion like donations or little favors
• Understand the difference between compassion and being taken advantage of
• Encourage family culture of volunteerism
• Allow friends to introduce more volunteer opportunities to me
• Prevent selfish activities and thoughts from taking priority to volunteering
• Share spirit of volunteerism with others as well
Volunteer and donate to the community when opportunity arises.

6. Sharing and celebrating achievements with family and friends
• Tell someone, no matter how small the achievement
• Celebrate others’ achievements, even if they are small
• If physical celebration is not possible, send messages or cards
• Take time to celebrate birthdays, newborns, results, occasions etc
• If there are career goals achieved, share them too
• Share meaningful gifts and actions with others
• If torn between two celebrations, prioritise and then apologise
Better able to handle time and not feel too obliged with events. Happy to celebrate little achievements.

7. Bringing joy and comfort to those I love by sharing more
• If it bothers me, say it no matter how ugly it might seem
• It takes courage and love to share what I mean and feel
• If I get a negative response or reaction, take time to let it sink in
• When I have to keep a secret, write it down somewhere and reveal it when I can
• Share details, even though they might seem small and insignificant to me
• Whether it is challenges at home or at work, I can find someone to share my woes
• Expect others to also share worries with me when I share mine with them
• Share joy as much as I share worries
• Share gifts generously with those I love
• Share emotions with all that I hold dear
Another area that needs to be developed more. Still feel shy about sharing about sexual needs or wants.

8. Stand up for what is right and speak my mind when I can
• Be ready to defend my thoughts and actions and not just bottle my anger
• Do not let pride stand in the way of what I need to say
• If it is wrong and I have to say something right, then I should do it
• When situations do not allow me to speak my mind, hold the thought and say it when the next opportunity comes along. Otherwisem write it down.
• If I feel terrible for not speaking up or doing the right thing, talk to someone close
• When I feel wronged, take time to explain and give evidences of my defences
• If others do not allow me to speak, then write it down or talk to someone else dear to me
A lot of improvement in this area. I can even see the change in myself in being more ready to fight for my rights.

9. Being thankful for what I have been given by saying or posting messages
• Take time to appreciate blessings of life that I have been given everyday
• Count my blessings and think about what life has offered to me
• Be grateful for my lovely family and friends around who love me too
• Appreciate the little wonders and gifts I have around me
• Say thanks for the food for my body and soul everyday
• Say thanks for the life that I am blessed with so far
• Reposting positive messages and motivations to others
• Sharing my inspirations and thanks to those I love and hold dear
Can definitely continue to do more of this. Don't let everyday chores suck my energy to think about these thoughts.

10. Freedom to make choices and defend them when I need to
• Know that I am an individual with independent choices to make
• Do not feel obliged to base my decisions on the feelings of others all the time
• Able to make choices based on my own values and decision
• Happy to know that I can make my own choices and stick to them
• When I want to make important choices, ask others for opinion
• Have faith in the decisions I make and stand by them
• When I need to justify for the choices I make, I am able to do so with the values imbued in me
• Should I fail to make choices that are right, reflect and look at the values that need adjustment
Value the choices that I have made and keep the faith.

11. Do sports and stay healthy to feel strong and attractive
• Allocate time every alternate day to engage in sports
• Swimming, jogging, racquet sports, ball games, and any sports that I like
• Look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge that I am attractive
• Do not need to feel inferior to other people who seem more attractive
• Be confident in what I do and say when I interact with others
• Focus on being healthy and strong, rather than just attractive
• When I fall sick or unwell, focus on recovering first then continue to do sports
Able to achieve at least twice in a week unless I feel unwell.

12. Patience in hard times and pray for strength when I need it
• Recount the challenges of the day and look at how I have overcome them
• Give credit to the values that have kept me strong and people who have helped
• When the times get tough, take deep breaths and count to 10
• When I feel that I cannot handle certain situations, take time to cool off but do not avoid them totally. Confront them again when I am ready.
• Talk to someone who can give proper advice when I am feeling upset or cannot seem to find a solution to a problem
• Pray and talk to god when I need to seek patience and help for conflicts
• Ask for strength to overcome the challenges that I am facing and know that things will get better over time
• If I feel lost, talk to someone close or talk to god and make sure my emotions are in check
Continue to talk to counsellor and seek family support when I can.

Quote:
Accomplishments, relationships, material accumulations — these are beyond your control. You cannot control whether or not your spouse will someday have an affair. You cannot control whether or not the house you put all of your resources into will get hit by lightning and burn to the ground. You cannot control whether or not you will be recognized as Employee of the Month or Mother of the Year. You can certainly influence their outcomes, but some aspect of each will forever remain beyond your control. The trick then, is to learn to manage those things that you can control.
:g:


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2016 3:36 am 
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Lesson 33 Exercise:
1. While you have no doubt already deepened the awareness of your emotions...you now want to begin the process of mastering them. You want to make it a goal of yours to turn what was once a debilitating fault into one of your greatest strengths. That can't be done by reading. It must be developed in your day-to-day life. And so, that is your assignment. To take this next week to seek out opportunities to deepen an awareness of your emotions — both as they occur and as they can be anticipated. Each day, find at least five opportunities to assess your emotions. Don't do this retroactively...as in, you are about to go to bed and so, you review the day's activities and how you felt about them...this must be done in the here and now.
Additionally, add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behavior. Or possible future behavior. Consider your emotions at the height of a compulsive urge. On the death of a loved one. On the experience of a child's birth. Think of the extremes.
The insights you are searching for throughout this exercise will be in relation to the finite qualities of emotion; the lack of fear/anxiety that comes with developing confidence in being able to anticipate emotional intensity; and the confidence that comes with the same.
2. Each day over the next three, share a few insights relating to these topics in your personal thread. Insights that you have gained from that particular day's focus.
3. At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of the seven days? Post your assessment in your thread.

Day1:
- I noticed that on the way to see my psychologist while driving I am more aware of my feelings and singing in the car along the way makes me feel relaxed and happy.
- While talking to my psychologist, there is both a feeling of anxiousness but yet glad that he is a channel or source of help.
- Buying groceries on the way home, I feel happy in time spent browsing items at leisure and having some time to myself.
- Having time to relax at home and take a nap recharges me and make me more ready to take on challenges.
- I got upset and helpless when my wife mentioned about having flashback of my previous encounters due to my texting habits.
- My frustrations stem from being affected my wife's anger and emotions. Although I know she needs her reassurances and regain the trust that has been broken previously, there is a feeling of hurt and self reproach that makes me feel lousy.
- Looking back at my values, I do really need to listen more like a third party and not judge myself or my wife so fast. To be a good listening husband and give her more assurances is what I would need to do more.

Day2:
- Woke up early and found it difficult to prioritise what I needed to do today. Feel a bit moody as my plans to jog were foiled by the rainy weather.
- Was happy that I was able to stay at home to play with my child today and just greeting her in the morning is a simple joy and privilege that is not always possible on days I need to work.
- Feeling relaxed and accomplished when I subsequently get to go for a swim later in the day.
- Attended nephew's birthday party and felt no particular strong emotions. However, looking back at how my own child's life has come about so preciously I do feel even more committed to make things work for my relationship with my family and to bring my compulsive behaviors to an end.
- I do feel more easily aroused sexually as it has been quite a while since my last physical intimate moment with my wife. My needs can be satisfied by masturbation but I hope to at least communicate this with my wife before I do it.
- My compulsive behavior comes in a combination of pent up frustration as well as boredom. When time and place allows for it, I become more susceptible to actions. However, I now know that this is a weakness in my part and I need to consciously remind myself to hold true to my values of who I want to be and be strong enough to face the consequences of my compulsive behaviors.

Day3:
- Communicated with my wife on my sexual needs and feel glad that I am able to self-help to meet that need .
- Fell sick while asleep and woke up feeling tired and drowsy.
- Feeling lousy that I have to still go to work while not feeling well.
- My previous sexual high turned eventually a super low as I become ill.
- This got me thinking about my previous compulsions based on such cycles: that after the very intense highs came the extreme lows and then the anticipation fuels the next cycle. Why do I want such roller coaster feelings and emotions?
- I realise that I lacked emotional maturity in the past trying to escape from reality and wanting to just avoid facing negative emotions. It is time that I can take on this responsibility and be in charge of what I do, who I am and what I want to be.
- By becoming more aware and responsible in my actions, I can then truly work towards being the real me. I could have blamed my previous acting out based on a lot of excuses, but ultimately I was not being responsible for my own actions.
- I hope at this point in time that I am still in time to make amends and become who I want myself to be. I want to be a healthy person, both physically and mentally and that is what I will work towards helping myself to be.

End of week:
I had quite a bit of thoughts about what I could anticipate in my range of emotions for the past week. When there are stressors in my work or home, I tend to find a means of escape from them such as watching TV, sleeping or triggering thoughts of fantasy. I revisited some of my past and felt the compulsive urges again especially just before sleep, and the emotional highs came back to me rather intense. However, I was able to let them pass and relooked at the consequences of those behaviors. Looking at possible future events such as death of a loved one or work promotion and responsibility, I think those factors will help me readjust some of the values that might be important to me now but maybe not so in the future. For example, spending time with children will not be important when they are grown up with their own families. However, I need to also stay true to my core values and be who I really want to be. Compulsion will only tear me apart from such values and bring me further away from maintaining my personal health and growth.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:13 pm 
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Lesson 34 Exercise:
Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
Example: When I was twenty-two, I was approached by my best friend's wife, who wanted to have an affair with me. I knew that I shouldn't, and I knew that it wasn't worth the possibility of losing my friend or my marriage, but I did it anyway. Somehow, the feeling to have sex with her was just overwhelming, and it would have caused me great stress if I had said no.
B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.
C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?
D. Share these insights in your recovery thread.


A. There was once when I was abstaining from sexual partners online for a period of time of about 6 months. I thought that I would not likely go into relapse as I was able to control over the urges that came and went. Then I found a convenient excuse, that was when my wife got pregnant and could not have sex with me. I did not want to express my sexual desires with her when she was unable to satisfy my urge. Hence, I went for immediate gratification again. It started off with watching porn, then online chats and one thing led to another and before I could turn around to stop myself I was again in the cycle of meeting online partners to satiate my sexual hunger.
B. I would feel a pent up kind of eagerness... like a void that requires me to fill it up. My hands and feet will get cold thinking about the possibilities of performing certain fantasies and sometimes even shiver in excitement. Thoughts will race past my mind and adrenaline will rush to my body. It is almost like anticipation of a huge lucky draw and awaiting to be the prize winner. That anxiety is mixed in the sense that there is also a sense of shame and guilt attached to it. It is not the same as the anxiety that comes in the form of examinations or tests. It is a kind of deep dark anxiety waiting for things to happen.
C. I think what I feel when I engage in those thoughts or behaviour is a heightened sense of awareness of sensations on my body. I would experience a great sense of relief and release as if everything else did not matter and I can just be in the moment with myself. If someone were to enter my mind, I suppose it would seem like a whirlwind of emotions from euphoria to guilt and shame to pain and frustration.
D. I suppose my compulsive actions stem from the fact that I was trying to escape a life I could not seem to control and handle. I wanted a freedom that there was no other way of achieving and I did not want to work out with the stakeholders involved. Sexual acts came as a convenient outlet for me to act out fantasies and roles that seem to empower me, but in reality eroded my values and created a compulsive ritual eventually. I will walk through this workshop and continue to face my life with dignity and integrity. I will do what I can to commit and communicate to my loved ones so that my values and roots hold strong. I will not hurt them and do anything to jeopardize my relationship with them.



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2016 2:50 am 
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Lesson 35 Exercise:
1) Evolve your daily monitoring as outlined above. Post the first thing you will be monitoring in this way in your thread for feedback and, share where you will be placing the reminder. Do not wait for feedback to begin.
2) Create your weekly agenda. Post it in your Recovery Thread.

1) I will seek out opportunities to experience calmness and balance throughout the day and share my thoughts as openly as possible. This will be placed as a note in my wallet.

2)
- Have I managed to spend enough time with my family and create moments of communication with them?
- Did I remember to spend some time on exercise and take care of my physical well being?
- Can I manage the stress and level of intensity at work? How have I communicated this to my family/friends?
- Did I resolve all the issues faced at home? Did i practice patience, love and concern to my family?
- How have I given myself time to develop and maintain emotional health and strength?
- Have I resort to any compulsive behaviors to feel better in the past week?
- Did I prepare myself for the occasions that are going to happen that can make me more stressed or unhappy?
- On a scale of 1-10, how would i rate my overall emotional balance for the past week? How can I improve this in the coming week?


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 7:50 pm 
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Lesson 36 Exercise:
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.
Example: Knowing that my coworker was sexually flirting with me, I allowed myself to establish a relationship that eventually led to an affair.
II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.
Example: My husband expects to have sex with me as a sleeping pill for him. Though I don't want to hurt his feelings, being treated in this way is degrading. I am establishing a boundary that I will only have sex with my husband when I am in the mood.
III. Share these in your recovery thread.



I. I have previously allowed my sexual partners to contact and chat online with me knowing that it will subsequently lead to the conduct of sexual acts with them.

II. I used to retreat and shut myself up whenever I have a conflict with my wife. I have established that there is a need to communicate my thoughts and feelings to her as well so that she can understand me better, even if that means we get uncomfortable in the process of a dispute.


Quote:
Rather than questioning their own actions, their own values, their own perceptions...they rely on their boundaries to identify what has occurred, and focus solely on strengthening those boundaries as a means of protecting their values.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 7:16 pm 
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Lesson 37 Exercise:
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).
II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.
III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.
Example:
Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
Absolute boundary #3: I will act in the way that I want my daughter's husband to act if he were in this situation.
IV. Share these in your recovery thread.


1.) Expressing myself to be a loving and faithful husband:
-Rule #1: I will be truthful to my wife at all times
-Rule #2: Even if it is difficult to disclose, I will express it when opportunity arises
-Rule #3: I will not hide sexual needs and desires from my wife
-Rule #4: I will not escape or retreat when there are disputes with my wife
-Rule #5: If there is any chance of an affair, I will let my wife know

2.) Be more at peace and taking care of myself:
-Rule #1: When I feel tired physically or emotionally, sound out to a family member
-Rule #2: Seek support from religion or family when I am emotionally drained
-Rule #3: Ask for time out when there is a need to regain balance
-Rule #4: 5 second rule- I should not lay my eyes on a stranger for more than 5 seconds
-Rule #5: Take time to exercise and feel good about myself physically

3) Taking care and protecting my mum and daughter:
-Rule #1: I will only do things that I know will not hurt them when they know
-Rule #2: I will honour them in a way that they will always be proud of me
-Rule #3: I will be honest with them and disclose what they want to know
-Rule #4: Should there be a conflict, I will communicate with them directly
-Rule #5: Stay in the present with them and avoid distractions

Absolute boundaries:
Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
Absolute boundary #2: I will not do anything that will directly harm myself or my loved ones.
Absolute boundary #3: I will act in the way that I want my daughter's husband to act if he were in this situation.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 10:55 pm 
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Lesson 38 Exercise:
I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.
II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?
III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.
Share your work in your recovery thread.


One of the situations I can think of is when I am drunk or doped by someone and then sexually violated. Would I tell my family as readily as I should? Or if i should slip into relapse such as porn viewing or chats then when would I need to be truthful? In this case I will evolve my boundary to: If I need to hide a truth, do not let it accumulate to more than 3 at any time. By the time I need to hide more than 3 secrets, I will need to find my counsellor or family to talk to.
The other situation is when I am upset or frustrated in communications with my wife, I will not want to talk to her about issues immediately. In this case, i will evolve my boundary to ask for a time out from her but not do anything that will hurt her subsequently and then when I am ready open my heart to her to talk about things.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 7:48 pm 
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Lesson 39 Exercise:
The following is intended as a step-by-step guide for rebuilding your sexual values and for developing the boundaries that will protect those values. It is not intended to be completed in a matter of hours, but to be developed over the course of weeks, months and years. This is certainly not the only way to develop healthy sexual values, but it is a guaranteed effective way.

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
    Masturbation is healthy and normal
    Oral sex is acceptable
    I wonder if I am bisexual
    It is ok to get turned on by sexual objects
    Staying true to one sexual partner is important
    It is important to get consent of another person before sex
    Unprotected sex is dangerous
    When i get turned on it is good to reach orgasm
    Watching porn is for the purpose of getting hard on
    Sexual energy/drive can be channeled to other useful motivations
    It is normal to get turned on by strangers sometimes
    It is wrong to follow strangers who turn me on
    Visiting places that promote sex with strangers is dangerous and unhealthy
    Use of drugs or medication that promotes erection is unneccessary
    It is ok to have low libido at times
    My wife is not a sex object, she has the right to reject me
    I do not have to orgasm every time I try to have sex
    I want to lead a healthy sex life
    My sexuality is not defined by my past experiences
    I have the right and responsibility to take care of my body
    If people other than my wife make sexual advances on me, I should reject them
    I can have sex even if it is not about making babies
    I cherish my relationship with my wife and will want to have exclusive sexual intimacy with only her
    I will not look for another person as an alternative to my wife even if she is not able to satisfy my sexual desire
    I can survive a long time without having an orgasm
    It is not a must to have an orgasm every time we have sex
    My mental and emotional health is more important then my sexual health
    Using multiple stimulation for sexual arousal in private is unhealthy
    When i have sexual needs and desires, I should communicate them to my wife

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending
    I will only engage in sexual activity with my wife
    I will never engage in sexual behavior that places my wife or myself in physical, legal or social danger
    I will learn to love and accept my body through healthy masturbation
    I will be a compassionate, considerate sexual partner; as opposed to a sexual performer
    I will not engage in sexual behavior that I know to be high risk for destructive consequences

Step 3 Define a Beginning
    Masturbation in private is healthy and normal
    Staying true to one sexual partner is important
    It is important to get consent of another person before sex
    Unprotected sex is dangerous
    Sexual energy/drive can be channeled to other useful motivations
    Visiting places that promote sex with strangers is dangerous and unhealthy
    Use of drugs or medication that promotes erection is unneccessary
    My wife is not a sex object, she has the right to reject me
    I do not have to orgasm every time I try to have sex
    I want to lead a healthy sex life
    I have the right and responsibility to take care of my body
    If people other than my wife make sexual advances on me, I should reject them
    I cherish my relationship with my wife and will want to have exclusive sexual intimacy with only her
    I will not look for another person as an alternative to my wife even if she is not able to satisfy my sexual desire
    I can survive a long time without having an orgasm
    It is not a must to have an orgasm every time we have sex
    My mental and emotional health is more important then my sexual health
    Using multiple stimulation for sexual arousal in private is unnecessary
    When i have sexual needs and desires, I should communicate them to my wife

Step 4 Define Your Existing Vulnerabilities
    I avoid communicating my sexual desires with my wife
    I get turned on by other sexual objects and feel ashamed
    I get frustrated when I cannot reach orgasm when having sex
    I am too eager to satisfy my wife to achieve her sexual needs
    I turn to other means of sexual release that is harmful to my physical or mental health

Step 5 Ask for Feedback
*Done

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
I will not use masturbation to replace my partner

Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
    I will inform my partner when I feel the need to masturbate
    I will not masturbate more than once a week
    I will ask for help from my partner if she is willing to help me with masturbation
    I will not use any other forms of stimulation such as porn or props when masturbating
    I will respect my body and not do any other physical harm to it during masturbation

Step 8 Observe Others

*works in progress


Last edited by healzen on Sun Dec 25, 2016 2:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 7:10 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Hi Healzen
you wrote
Quote:
Define a Beginning

Masturbation in private is healthy and normal


For sure this is your life and your journey hence nobody here will judge your values but for many masturbation in private is s still compulsive hence harmful, masturbation is often used as a coping device, we addicts love to give ourselves an excuse
perhaps consider this or bin it
have a great Christmas and a healthy new year

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 2:40 am 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Lesson 40 Exercise:
I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.
II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.
III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.
IV. Share your thoughts in your recovery thread.


I would choose to consider the values that my wife has. I think she would like to be treated with respect for her health and her body and will not like to feel violated by others. I will help her to reinforce the boundaries by constantly showing her respect and making sure that we treat each other with love and compassion everyday be it during sex or not. By taking care of myself and my health by not taking part in any form of unsafe sex, it will also be able to help to reinforce her values and boundaries.
If I am aware of a violation of their boundary, such as demanding for sex even when she does not feel up to it, I will make sure that we openly discuss the issue and consider what is the next best course of action to take. We can both choose to respect each other and stay within the boundaries or come to mutual agreement of extending the boundaries so that both can feel a certain level of comfortable achievement together.
It is probably more important to work out on what both of us are comfortable with one step at a time than to feel upset that certain instant gratifications cannot be satisfied. As much as values should take root healthily for every individual, there should be room to discuss boundaries as a couple and look at what is the most ideal agreement or overlap of boundaries that can be achieved. If the boundary is one of absolute non-negotiation at a given point in time, then we should respect that and not push it any further. If violated, then forgiveness needs to be sought from them.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 3:05 am 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Hi Coach Kenzo,

A very Merry Christmas to you too! :w:

Thanks for the earlier suggestion on binning the part on the topic of masturbation in private.
If the masturbation is done with the consent of my wife, is that still considered ok?
I am just wondering in times where she is unable to help in masturbation or via sex then how should we work things out?
I have refined my values in steps 6 and 7 for the post on Lesson 39, please feel free to give comments?
Thank you.


Last edited by healzen on Mon Dec 26, 2016 7:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 7:38 pm 
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Posts: 74
Lesson 41 Exercise:
It is your job to eventually identify and master the boundaries that exist to protect all of your highest values. This cannot be accomplished in a single sitting.
Over the next month, keep a log of the moderate to major events that occur in your life and assess your ability to deal with these events in terms of your existing boundaries. Family arguments, decisions, chore assignments, etc. All are related to your values and all should have boundaries that protect those values. With each event, identify the event itself, the values that were infringed upon, the existing boundaries that were in place to protect those values and any additional rules/boundaries that may help you the next time you face a similar situation.
There is no need to write all of this out as long as you are actively deepening your awareness of the role that these boundaries played in protecting/abandoning your values (though if you have the time, writing them all out would prove to be a tremendous benefit).


I may not list everything that is on a day-to day basis here but am going to share an example of values and boundaries between me and my wife

Event: My wife wants to get all the Christmas presents wrapped one day before our Christmas party and I think there is no real need to since they are already in nice packaged boxes. I was tired as it was rather late and I wanted to go to bed but our little one refuses to go to sleep.
Reaction: Felt tired, frustrated, irritated
Values Involved: Respect; Time management; Personal Growth; Physical health
Existing Boundaries: When it is time to rest, we should not compromise sleep for other events. It should be planned in advance that we can manage time properly to get sufficient rest.
Their Effectiveness in Managing this Situation: Poor. l felt that time can be better managed for this and we do not need to tire ourselves out like this.
New Boundaries Needed: Current boundaries were insufficient in managing the event. Will need to adjust as follows:
Old Boundary: When we need to rest, we should not compromise it with other events.
New Boundaries: When we have events that are upcoming, we need to plan ahead and do the tasks in a manner that will not result in last minute rush. In the event of ad-hoc tasks that has to be done last minute, we can compromise by sleeping in the following day (if possible) or help each other get more rest in the next day. Should there be such events happening, there should also be an evaluation of how we can plan better going ahead for the future.


In the past 8 months that I have been doing this workshop, I realized that I am beginning to see changes in myself that didn't use to be in me. I am more ready to defend my opinions and not feel sorry for myself as often. I do not try to put myself in the position of a victim in my relationship and am ready to be more responsible and take charge of the things that I want to maintain my emotional health and balance. In this latest exercises, I have also learnt to be more aware of not only my own values and boundaries but for those that I hold dear to me as well. I have matured and am really glad to have found this workshop and forum. I would like to give thanks to everyone who has contributed to this valuable workshop content and also given me advice along the way. Here's to a great new year ahead!
:g:


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 7:31 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Hi Healzen




Quote:
I am just wondering in times where she is unable to help in masturbation or via sex then how should we work things out?


you really do have a choice, you do not have to succumb to your urge to reach an orgasm,
Masturbation per-say is not unhealthy, compulsive masturbation is

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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