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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 2:08 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 112
I am sex Addict. I can not even say for how long I have a compulsive vision about sex.
My partner has discovered one of my affair 8 month ago. It took time for me before to understand I was sex addicted: over the last 2 years I had many affairs, acted out with prostitute s, and went daily to porn website.
I started a recovery process 6 month ago. with the help of my partner who found information on Internet for me. I relapsed after 2 month, during 2 weeks (restart chat with a mistress). Since then I am Ok.
I had the feeling to recover, to discover and build a new life, to be present most of my time, to be not sensitive anymore to the voice of my ego, and to start to control triggers.
But my partner is still suffering trauma, and recently she found great help with recovery nation. By talking, a new fear came: am I really sincere? Do I stop to lie to her? Do I lie to myself?
A doubt came, and a feeling that I was still lying to me.
Last night my partner was disturbed about the second lesson of her recovery process. She asked me questions again about what happen. And this time I give a new version, a terrible version, but a true version.
I had sex without protection several time during this period. Until now I denied it. I had a ViH test negative one month and half after disclosure. A test my partner asked me to do (I did not do by myself). A test I was too happy to be negative to check other consequences, other possible disease or infection.
I am lost today, like a child, not like an adult assuming his responsibility. I am not able to take initiative about what to do, I still convince myself that I can handle, but I do nothing.
After 6 month active recovery, I continue to lie to myself, I continue to live in illusion, without regard of the others.
I need help, I never asked help.
I lied to myself until now, my partner was helping me, I was not active (I work in it but did not seek document or hel)
I will start recovery nation program, hope to find the ability to say the truth.

For lesson 1:
A.
1. I actively commit myself to stop to lie to myself, to explain things factually with honesty and sincerity
I actively commit to assume my responsibilities as an adult
I actively commit to be in present moment, to not listen ego voice
I actively commit to share my trouble, my doubt, my weakness,
I actively commit to avoid any event, place, people that could bring me to relapse
I actively commit to not look at porno, avoid border line situation

2. The guilt/shame are necessary to recover. But I do not want ego voice to push me to a resignation, or lie to myself. I want use the recovery process as witness. A fair witness without convenience.

3. My active addicted period was 2 year, but It took 40 years to be where I am. I will take time to rebuild my life. I need help to understand my value, to make them stronger than illusion and lie.

B. My motivation
I want to stop to lie to myself
I want to build a balanced life
I want to see my partner with love, not as mother or as playground partner
I want to look at women as a normal human being, and to stop to sexualize
I want friend
I want to be a good father
I want to be proud, I want to be proud because I express myself, because I assume my choice

C. What I would say to the kid I was:
- express what you feel, do not minimize your emotion
- cry if necessary
- there is always someone you can tell your emotion
- I love you
- we can be different, it is respectful
- nobody judge you, you can have different emotion, feeling and thoughts than your parent
- you said for example you were not interested in such music, movie because your parent were not interested. I must tell you I love it for real!
- you start very soon to hide Marvel comics, because you imagine your parents do not think it is very serious. I tell you I share fancy discuss with my son about the super hero (they did not get old!)
- you never speak to anyone about girls you liked. I tell you they are still in my heart
- what you do is good, do not think for your parent, friends. You do not know what they really think and nobody judge you. You can be different, everybody is different


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:59 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Hello Bovary
Quote:
After 6 month active recovery, I continue to lie to myself, I continue to live in illusion, without regard of the others.


from the shoulder I ask have you really been in active recovery?
the question is irrelevant
you have found RN so welcome the real journey starts here and now , but only if you really want it to and I sincerely hope that is the case
RN will provide you with a well trodden and proven roadmap for your journey but you need to be the driver

I wish you well and look forwards to your next post
please be consistent, be honest , take your time but dont dither
you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, grasp that with both hands

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 9:43 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 112
Hello coach Kenzo,

Thanks for your message, it touched me a lot. i feel good to have witness, fair people without convenience. thanks.

I just understand that recovery is more than abstinence. I fought to avoid relapse, with some achievement, but I feel I am not going out from this cycle. I understand that I was not in active recovery until now.

I have worked on lesson 2. I try to honestly follow the process:
- first I let my thought find a vision, I let it developp by itself
- then I write a first draft of this vision. But I mentalized too much, like a theoric exercise. I shared with my partner at this stage.
- this morning I redo completely the exercise, writing instinctively my vision and my role in this vision.

I try to be sincere, but my mental has a big power to put concept, I always try to put my emotion into a clear pattern (I am too much scientist).

Whatever I believe in the sincerity of my vision, and I hope I did not conceprualize my identity again.

Vision:
2 parents and their 3 childrens
Childrens are already pre-adult or teenager.
They meet, they lay down.
My vision is associated to different places: a simple living room, a bit gipsy, a bit messy, a sandy beach by night, with plenty of stars in the sky, or a camp site.
They lay down, very lazily, without shame to show their proximity and tenderness.
They are doing nothing else than to be together, and start to talk.
They talk: parents ask question to their children, children answer, told their life.
There is a big intimacy in the discuss, everybody listen to each other, ask more question instead of giving judgement and position. There are a pure equality in their way to discuss.
Parents talk between them as well.
Topics are what's new, how are the study, last book someone read, news about relatives, gossip around each individual life. The topic move to what do we do tomorrow, next week. Everybody fell comfortable to express. We can even now speak about our problem.
I feel peace, harmony, intimacy, attention.
I create the peace, but not a peace to hide trouble, a peace where the people I love feel supported, listened, encouraged, motivated.

Peace maker,
I have been peace maker, but I accumulated a lot of frustration, and I kept peace by hiding, controlling the emotions.
I am peacemaker, and I want to be peacemaker for my partner, my children, for my friends and probably in any social activity.
A peace maker, in respect of my individual value, I want to offer and share with my partner my discovery, cultural challenge, to continue to open to the world, travel. Value must remain, but individuality, thought, can evolve, and hopefully it is not a threat for peace.
A peace maker, able to take lead when it is required, to bring support and help to people I love.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 9:22 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 112
I did not write the last few days on my recovery thread.

I was puzzled about the « value » concept. I did not catch what was a practical value, why it looks to a practical commitment, how is it link to a universal value.

In parallel, I feel bad, nervous, uneasy in the relation with my wife. I was full of fear. Fear about the blood test I have made. I get the result, everything is negative, everything is OK. At least no health problem will be added to the recovery process.

I want to write what happen to me on Friday. It is my TRIGGER DAY, the day when I understood.
(Sorry to share a long history about a day to day stuff, but I feel it necessary as reminder, commitment and clue)

On Thursday evening, I learnt my company car will have to go maintenance on Friday morning. So I used this opportunity to say my wife: “hey, I have no car tomorrow morning, we can have a coffee together”. I was one commitment of my previous recovery program : organize a weekly moment with my wife. I was happy to have opportunity to create. But I did not feel good.
At the coffee we are used to meet others people, people who like to enjoy together a coffee, during 30 minutes, every morning, before to go to their activity. My wife invited a women, I knew by view only, to share with us the table. My wife start a small talks with her: “how are you, I never asked you what you were doing in the life…?”. I stayed silent until the discuss moved to the activity of the woman, stuff about HR management. Then during 20 minutes, I discussed with this woman, equal to equal, about our activity. Simply, friendly, without any trouble thought. It was a good moment. But I did not feel good.
Then I decided to go to work, by taxi (I had no car). I said my wife, good bye, with very uneasy feeling. No taxi were available, and I think to myself, do I really need to go work at office today. Could I just work from home, continue to share a time with my wife, have the lunch with her, and my daughter (a special event was organized). 5 minutes after left her, I called back my wife, telling her that finally I will not go at office this morning, we can share another coffee, I can join her to the lunch with our daughter at school. She was surprised, she told me she had things to do, she proposed to me to work at coffee shop, and call each other end of morning to see. I was happy to go work in coffee shop, to have opportunity the share lunch with my family. But still not happy, still not satisfied.
I worked very efficiently at coffee shop. The job I had this day did not require face to face contact, I handled everything on the phone. I had potentially only one activity that could have justify to turn back office and visit a customer, but after checking no need. After having phoned to my different direct colleague: “do you need me today?”, I “decided” to continue to work from outside this day. My wife joined me at 11:00 and we went at school to see my daughter.
To see my daughter (4 years old) in her class room gave me a lot of emotion. She was surprised to see me as far as I said to her I could not come! It was a short but good time. But I feel uneasy again. I feel not comfortable. Another dad spoke to the teacher with assurance. It makes me feel very little, jealous of this assurance in his voice, his way to speak. Moreover I felt bad looking sometime to others mothers, their sex appeal may remind me addiction.
Once finished, we had a quick lunch with my wife. Difficult to talk. She was afraid about the blood test result, me too, but not able to tell her simply. She was still under shock about what she discovered (the fact that I continue to lie, that I lie to myself), and I was not able to say the only thing to say “sorry”. One satisfaction comes from the fact we did not stop to connect, but I felt very very very bad.
Then I went back home, where I worked for 3 hours. Actually in parallel, I thought about my lesson 3 exercise, and I felt very meaningless guy. This uneasy feeling was stronger and stronger.
My wife came back around 4 with the children. They were surprised to see me, and I think happy. They gave me a lot of light. My wife planned to go with them at swimming pool, where they could see their friends. I said I am sorry I am working I cannot join you. 30 seconds before they left, I think to myself, and I saw that I did not have urgent work, and I could take 1 hour to enjoy swimming pool with my children. They were surprised when I say:” I come with you”. My wife told me “as you want”. I had good time to play with my kids and their friends. We spent one hour and half, and I received no call from work. It was a good moment, kids were happy. But I still did not feel good.
When we turned home, I told my wife I will prepare the diner, I will go quickly for shopping. Once arrived at home, the phone rang. It was a colleague, from abroad, calling me for something very urgent. He started his message by “I have a big problem, I need your help…”. Then I spoke with him for 20 minutes. When I stopped, I went to see my wife to explain, but she argued me: we were discussing when the phone rang, and I did not take 10 seconds to interrupt the cal and to tell her “sorry, I must take this call”. She told me once someone told me “I need you”, I stop to think about my envrionment. It is irrespectful. I was amazed, but I confess it is true.
It continues like that until evening. I felt terrible. I started to have stomach ache and muscular pain. I said my wife if she could handle the children alone, I need to lay down.
I went to my bed, took a fetal position, closed my eyes. I do not remember how it happens but suddenly I fall down. Like jumping from a skyscraper. I fall down in the time, and I see all important decision, mistakes or fault I have made in my life. 100% of my act were motivated by only one thing: I WANT TO BE LOVE, I DO NOT WANT TO ALONE.
 I did not wear condom with my main mistress because I wanted her to think it was true love, to make this relation like true intimacy. Actually, this relation was a way to try my porn fantaisy
 At the fist disclosure, I did not said my wife I did not wear condom systematically, to preserve my image, my respectability, my responsibility. To continue to feel loved.
 I develop a deep chat with many girls, to make her love me, to not see as a pervert
 I decided to go live abroad with my family, because my wife wanted, because I do not want to be alone
 I decided to have children, because my wife wanted, because I do not want to be alone
 I decided to marry, to study, to work… always to because I do not want to be alone, I want to feel to be loved.
 …
And then I woke up and I understand.
I FEEL BAD ALL DAY BECAUSE I DID NOT DECIDE ANY OF MY ACT.
The value of the act is not the main problem, the problem is to decide the way I act.
This Friday was a collection of good moment, like the stuff we post on a blog, but without any meaning. No meaning because I did not decide anything: I use opportunity, the fact that people appreciate me, they are indulgent. I was lost because my wife this time answered to me “AS YOU WANT”. I did not know how to answer such simple question, because my decision process was only carried by others people. I Put the responsibility of my life to others.
One simple and terrible example.
6 month ago, before to restart sexual relation, my wife asked me to do a blood test (I did not take on myself to do it, knowing what I knew). The results came after 48h. My wife wanted to make love with me (so do I). Instead to tell her “It is better to wait few hours and get the test result”, and I asked “Are you sure you do not want to wait the test result?”. What a shame, what a irresponsibility. Sorry my love, I beg you pardon, how can I forgive myself.

That is my NO-IDENTITY. I am not trustable, I am not someone we can trust. I AM NOT RELIABLE.

But when I woke up, I UNDERSTAND THIS FRIDAY COULD HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL DAY. I have everything in me, to make it good, to feel it good. To be an engine of that day.

I want that day, to keep in my mind forever, to define my identity: someone RELIABLE, TRUSTABLE, AN ENGINE OF HIS LIFE, AN INSPIRATION SOURCE FOR HIS WIFE FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

So I woke up. I told my wife my vision, I told my wife that I was completely wrong in my recovery process: all my commitment were the one from an Intimacy dependant.

Before, the objective to create a moment every week was only to create intimacy. Actually I understand now that this value/commitment is related to the RELIABILITY.

I told her I will try not bother her anymore my “I want to be better…”, I will let that to my recovery thread, to stop to use her as my psychotherapist, and to complete I want, I plan, I do.

So now I am ready to work on my value, and I really understand what is a practical value, and the relation with universal value.


From my previous vision, the values that comes
 To be reliable
 To share weekly about my planning with my wife
 To organize at least one social event per month for the family
 To establish my planning considering important questions:
o Plan 1 moment per week to share with my wife outside home
o Think to communicate to my children about unuasual event: business trip, work on week end, business diner, need to start earlier
o Highlight if there is risk on this planning: things that are not sure
 To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness
 To ask at least 1 personal question to any people I could meet
o To ask the question I had on my heart (whatever it is)
o To write this question, and the answer
 To be the first to say “hello” when meet someone
 To hear my voice when speak to people I do not know - it must be soft, clear
 To be a good listener
 To be able to tell the eye color of any people I speak
 To be natural
 To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability
o In social event, look at the person who shows social ability
o Then look at the person who listen
o Describe the scene, check why you feel trouble
 To not look twice at women that generate sex appeal, it makes me trouble
 To say to my chidren I love you
 To be able to explain things to my kids
o To create a moment with each of them, where discuss, question and explanations could come in peace
 To show intimacy to my parents,
o Write them once a week
 To ask to my children only open question
o How many open question I asked?
 Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me
o When guilt is present tell to my wife I am sorry.
 To tell my wife my feeling when they are
 To organize a better way my work
o Start a job, finish a job
o Restart my daily to do list
 To be polite and respectful
o When I am interrupted, clearly indicate my priority, with respect
o Let people finish what they say
 To be a tempered person
o List how many time per day I have been angry
 Think to others, to have empathy
 To work daily on my recovery process
o To check every day my thread
o To work every day on my lesson
o To achieve 2 lessons per week
o To write sincerely
o To balance with harmony my recovery with my others activities, especially with my family
 To help my wife in her recovery process
o To continue to speak with her every evening, whatever the context.
 To keep healthy
o Redefine my running activity in my weekly planning
o Do not practice sport to isolate
o Practise sport when other activities are achieved (family, then recovery, then sport)
o Do not use anymore “performance tracker” when running
o To stop smoking, definitively, this summer
 To have integrity: I say what I do, I do what I say
o Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for le:
 Looking Internet when I am alone
 Looking alone to movie, video clip with sexy girl
 Do not go out if only objectives is to party, go out only to see people
 Prefer party at home or at friend’s home
 During business trip, avoid place that could remind addiction: KTV, bar, massage & spa
o At work assume what I think, what I do, lead the maximum I can
 Prepare any meeting where a boss is present, about the message I want to give
 Give all the message, I have prepared

Dark side VALUES
 To want people love me
 To want people say I am intelligent, smart, handsome, strong
 To be proud of my body, of my physical performance
 To always challenge my physical performance, to maximize pleasure
 To help people to decide in the direction I choose: communicate instead of talk
 To be loved by woman
 To be the best in everything I try
 To not try if I o not think I can be the best

Priorize Value
100 To be reliable
110 To share weekly about my planning with my wife
150 To organize at least one social event per month for the family
100 To establish my planning considering important questions:
Plan 1 moment per week to share with my wife outside home
Think to communicate to my children about unuasual event: business trip, work on week end, business diner, need to start earlier
Highlight if there is risk on this planning: things that are not sure
100 To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness
1 To ask at least 1 personal question to any people I could meet
To ask the question I had on my heart (whatever it is)
To write this question, and the answer
2 To be the first to say “hello” when meet someone
2 To hear my voice when speak to people I do not know - it must be soft, clear
120 To be a good listener (to give attention)
2 To be able to tell the eye color of any people I speak
120 To be natural, to not be a seducer
150 To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability
In social event, look at the person who shows social ability
Then look at the person who listen
Describe the scene, check why you feel trouble
120 To not look twice at women that generate sex appeal, it makes me trouble
100 To say to my chidren I love you
2 To be able to explain things to my kids, to be a good and responsible father
To create a moment with each of them, where discuss, question and explanations could come in peace
2 To show intimacy to my parents,
Write them once a week
2 To ask to my children only open question
How many open question I asked?
100 Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me
When guilt is present tell to my wife I am sorry.
Tell my fear whatever the situation (family, professional…)
110 To tell my wife my feeling when they are, tell her beautiful thing, tell her when I found her beautiful
150 To organize a better way my work
Start a job, finish a job
Restart my daily to do list
160 To be polite and respectful
When I am interrupted, clearly indicate my priority, with respect
Let people finish what they say
2 To be a tempered person
List how many time per day I have been angry
120 Think to others, to have empathy – connect friends where ever they are.
110 To work daily on my recovery process
To check every day my thread
To work every day on my lesson
To achieve 2 lessons per week
To write sincerely
To balance with harmony my recovery with my others activities, especially with my family
100 To help my wife in her recovery process
To continue to speak with her every evening, whatever the context.
120 To keep healthy
Redefine my running activity in my weekly planning
Do not practice sport to isolate, to escape, but as rebuilding activity
Practise sport when other activities are achieved (family, then recovery, then sport)
120 Do not use anymore “performance tracker” when running
To stop smoking, definitively, this summer
100 To have integrity: I say what I do, I do what I say
100 Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for le:
Looking Internet when I am alone
Looking alone to movie, video clip with sexy girl
Do not go out if only objectives is to party, go out only to see people
Prefer party at home or at friend’s home
During business trip, avoid place that could remind addiction: KTV, bar, massage & spa
150 At work assume what I think, what I do, lead the maximum I can
Prepare any meeting where a boss is present, about the message I want to give
Give all the message, I have prepared


Lesson 5 – identify incongruent value
A. I feel good with the value I have idenfied. I have worked for 5 days, since I had my vision and this terrible “trigger day”. My values are practical but can be related to universal value I believe in, value I want to be myself: reliability, integrity, healthy, socializer. For the last 2 days, I have applied it, really, sincerely. I did not lie to me, I did not lie to my life, I control emotion. Even if I did not live very critical emotional moment, I have made choice according my value.
B. Consider 2 or 3 big “decisions” and reconsider it according my value…
a. Birth of my 3rd children
5 years ago we have made a big party for our weeding 10th year (my idea, but of course I did not organize anything practically!). I remember my spirit at the time: our 2 first children starts to have autonomy, the intimacy with my wife (at the time, in my mind, intimacy = sex) was restored, we had this project to move abroad. Despite the use of contraceptive, my wife became pregnant, just at this moment (We learnt 2 days after party, she thought initially it was hangover). It was a big chock for both of us. For my wife, mainly it was about health, she suffered a lot of her back for the 2 first pregnancy, she knews, this would mean 9 month. For me, and of course I did not express, I was afraid to lose her again: Loss of intimacy (sex mainly), say bye bye to the romantism of the life abroad (adventurer trip…). I was really afraid. To be honest we clearly hesitated to keep the baby. My wife told honestly her point of view about that. I had to give my opinion. And so I decided to keep the baby. My motivations: first was my image to my wife, I wanted her to look at me as a strong man giving practical reason to not have abortion : we have no money issue, we are a well balanced family, I wanted her to see me as a ethic guy with a fair view about abortion (I am in favor of this right, but I am personnaly unable to apply).
Actually what we have decided was right. BUT, I did not decided according my values, but only to keep an image to my wife. I did not involved at all my self in this pregnancy and birth. I told I wanted this baby, that was enough.
If I have to reconsider this moment, Iusing my values:
 Emotionally, I would feel the same: the pregnancy = loss of intimacy, end of project. The fear will be here.
 But I would express clearly my fear. This is one of my value now.
 I would fix objective and plan with my wife to support her during the painful period
 I would create with her a new life project, something decided together
I think the value choosen would help me for this situation

b. “Decision” to develop a relation with a mistress
My wife and children came back to homeland for summer time. I stayed 4 weeks alone to work. I was happy to have opportunity for partying with friends. I can say now that partying, I mean going in a bar, a club, was not in order to share time with my friends, but to have opportunity to seduce women. I used to drink a lot, and then my shyness decrease immediately. My friends appreciated me because I became a “crazy guy”: dancing, chatting with anybody. I could not say I made the first steps to women, but I am sure I was acting this way to be notice by women. I am quite good looking guy, and this attitude, and this context, makes things very easy. That night we were many friends, had a long diner at restaurant with a lot of alcohol. I was really drunk, and my “socializing” sense was at maximum. We arrived to a club quite late and immediately I started to dance. I have been noticed very quickly by several women. No prostitutes, but young single women. Quickly one demonstrate interest for me. We started to dance, then we had a drink, to discuss, to flirt. She wanted clearly to go further and me too. I said, and I remember “I am married, so with me it is not serious”. She said “no problem”, and then we had sex. Again I can see my way to reject “responsibility of choice to another”. I lied to myself.
By the way, something happen the next day. I felt guilt, but I help her to go home, to have a walk, and discuss. She proposed me her phone, I accepted. Again, I did not ask, but I know I have made everything to reach this situation. From that point I transformed what could have been just an “accident” to a long term secret relation. I recontacted the girl next week end, and at the end of this “freedom period” I stayed in touch with her by chat and email. It becomes daily. Quickly I started to create fake event (professional) to see her and to have sex.
Behind that there is another question, is how I could have forgotten my duty to my family. How this terrible lie become natural.
At this time I was clearly already sex addicted. I just get my I-Phone, and add opportunity to enjoy porn more often.
I had an accumulation of frustration: basically we had nearly no sex with my wife, she spent awful night because of our third daughter, and I was work-alcholic, and lost in a foreign country. I felt like abandon by my wife, I imagine that. Actually what I understand now, that I transformed my fear in a rational explanation (she does not love me). In fact my fear was: I destroyed the life of my family, I do not feel easy to be present with the new baby, to be a good support for my wife depressed, to create harmony, energy with my family. Instead of telling my fear, I protect myself creating another personality: someone cold, cynical, manipulator… bad value I get on me. Bad value that were able to give me a bright idea of myself (refer to the movie “magnolia” and look at Tom Cruise – by the way an excellent role for him – that was me!).
I want to check if my value will avoid me such situation. For preventive aspect, I think yes. Share my fear, develop intimacy and involve myself in life organization. For the second topic is about temptation, how I would react tomorrow to a women telling me “I want you”. First I will avoid such situation. In my practical value is to change my way to socialize. Go party with friends because I want to see friends, avoid “dangerous place”. An alcoholic does not go to a wine shop. A sex addict can not go to a night club. I think it is healthy.
And if I relapse, would I said to my wife. I do not know if I am ready to answer frankly to this question. 2 days ago, I was in business trip. It was my first day after my “trigger day”. I arrived with one of my colleague to an area early evening. My colleague wanted to see a football match so he asked where we can find a bar with a TV screen. We followed indication from the Hotel people. By crossing this area, I have seen it was full of little KTV, spa and massage room, private club… I must confessed it trigger me a lot. We looked to the match then go back to our room. I went to bed after reading a novel, but I did not find sleep. My mind was trouble. By the recovery, but as well by the temptation and opportunity that could offer this area (I will have to move often in future). After 1:30 I really wanted to masturbate, and my mind was full of porn image. I did not want them. Then something happen, I start to think about my wife, about our intimacy, the way to make love. And I start to touch myself softly. I felt very very good. I and something closed to orgasm, my arousal disappear, but I did not ejaculate. This story I told my wife. Not easily but I told exactly the day after when I came back. But to this answer I can not say at the moment that I would say the truth if it happens.
If I summarize, my value are strong enough to prevent frustration, but clearly I know I am still sensitive to emotion, to the immediate gratification. I need to continue to think about a practical value around my intercation to other in case of important emotional content (love or reject).
C. Are my value are practical?
I can say my values are practical on day to day. I am clearly afraid about their strength in case of big emotional event. Be proud of myself on day to day because I did not lie to myself and I have acted according my values should enable to prevent and anticipate situation with too much emotion. I know I have a weakness about that.
Concerning sex value, I restarted for 10 days now an abstinence period. Since the latest disclosure, my wife can not stand any contact too closed (she accept hugs a little). Clearly I am still addicted, I still have porn image in mind, I still look at others women. But something become stronger related to my value: the fact to have distance with my wife is not seen like a reject (we talk, we hug), the way I made love with my wife in the recent period help me to chase the porn image (like during a recent business trip), and I found some tips to turn back to reality when I am triggered by a woman. Sex is still very important in my present life.


D. MY VALUES

To be reliable
To share weekly about my planning with my wife
To organize at least one social event per month for the family
To establish my planning considering important questions:
Plan 1 moment per week to share with my wife outside home
Think to communicate to my children about unuasual event: business trip, work on week end, business diner, need to start earlier
Highlight if there is risk on this planning: things that are not sure
Share about the time balance of activities with my family
To organize a better way my work
Start a job, finish a job
Restart my daily to do list / schedule / task achievement / share about that
To have integrity: I say what I do, I do what I say
To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness
To ask at least 1 personal question to any people I could meet
During social event, to ask the question I had on my heart (whatever it is)
To be the first to say “hello” when meet someone
To hear my voice when speak to people I do not know - it must be soft, clear
To be able to tell the eye color of any people I speak
To be a good listener (to give attention)
Improvement my reformulation, reformulate in front of people instead of comparing
To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability
In social event, look at the person who shows social ability
Then look at the person who listen
Describe the scene, check why you feel trouble
BE REALISTIC, STAY SOBER
To not look twice at women that generate sex appeal, it makes me trouble
To be natural, to not be a seducer
To be a good father
Continue to promote the game and intellectual/creative activity with them
Continue to read a story every night
Propose activity, help my wife
To be able to explain things to my kids, to be a good and responsible father
To create a moment with each of them, where discuss, question and explanations could come in peace
(I need to find a practical way for that, out of home)
To ask to my children only open question,
Let them feel free to ask question, generate this during reading, looking video…
To say to my chidren I love you
To let them know
Use soft/tender words for special time of the day: wake up, come back from work, good night
To improve intimacy to my parents,
Write them once a week
Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me, share about this,
When guilt is present tell to my wife I am sorry.
Tell my fear whatever the situation (family, professional…)

To tell my wife my feeling when they are, tell her beautiful thing, tell her when I found her she is beautiful, give her attention

To develop a sexual intimacy with her

Think to others, to have empathy – connect friends where ever they are.
Restore contact with my best friend I did see for 6 years
To help my wife in her recovery process
To continue to speak with her every evening, whatever the context.
To improve my listening
To be a good husband when crisis are here
To keep healthy
Redefine my running activity in my weekly planning
Do not practice sport to isolate, to escape, but as rebuilding activity
Practise sport when other activities are achieved (family, then recovery, then sport)
Do not use anymore “performance tracker” when running
To stop smoking, definitively, this summer
Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for me:
Looking Internet when I am alone
Looking alone to movie, video clip with sexy girl
Do not go out if only objectives is to party, go out only to see people
Prefer party at home or at friend’s home
During business trip, avoid place that could remind addiction: KTV, bar, massage & spa
To work daily on my recovery process
To check every day my thread
To work every day on my lesson
To achieve 2 lessons per week
To write sincerely


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 9:58 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 112
Dear Recovery Nation,

Over 1 week, many things happened in my life, and I started to see things very differently. I am sorry for the previous post, the format is really ugly, but I wrote it as I think, on a day to day, discovering the lesson after lesson, something new, feeding my exercise with my everyday thought. So it is not very pleasant to read I suppose, but to work on the lessons become really a self activity, I post not only to share but mainly to understand a path, and to take commitment to myself. For someone who always act according other people expected thought, it is really something new. And by the way I fell very good. But I will try to improve the format of my post.

I just read the lesson 6, and I am proud of myself to have already perform a good part of the job in the previous step naturally. Some of them I started practically (everything around the time management). I am proud because I have a feeling to have built something by instinct, with my heart, not by manipulation.
I have been interested by the detailed example given, and it is an inspiration for more complex value, more detailed and deeper actions plan.

To be reliable
To share weekly about my planning with my wife
To have always with me a diary, paper one
To organize at least one social event per month for the family
To establish my planning considering important questions
Plan 1 moment per week to share with my wife outside home
Think to communicate to my children about unuasual event: business trip, work on week end, business diner, need to start earlier
Highlight if there is risk on this planning: things that are not sure
Take in to account of home/family burden, and help my wife
Review with my wife once a week my diary (on a weekly horizon), update long term event
Share about the time balance of activities with my family
To organize a better way my work, Start a job, finish a job, Restart my daily to do list / schedule / task achievement / share about that
Use the same diary for work and personal
To have integrity: I say what I do, I do what I say
Write on the diary every thing I promise to do, everytime I say “I want to”
Try to plan the activity immediately
Reschedule during weekly review what has not been done
Explain why it has not been done, define a recovery actions plan
Tell my wife honestly the promise, the actions I did not respect
Accept if my wife is not satisfied by my lack of reliability

To be social, to improve my sociability, to fight my shyness
When meet people, whatever our intimacy level:
To ask at least 1 personal question to any people I could meet
To not care about judgement
To accept if people refuse to developp
To be the first to say “hello” when meet someone
To hear my voice when speak to people I do not know - it must be soft, clear
To be able to tell the eye color of any people I speak
To be a good listener (to give attention)
When I talk to my wife make the difference between expression and discussion/thinking/debate
When it is “expression moment”, Improvement my reformulation, reformulate in front of her instead of comparing by giving a personal example
When it is “discussion moment”, feel free to think “loudly”

To not jealous other people, especially man, apparent skill or social ability
In social event, look at the person who shows social ability, look at the person who listen, check their attitude as well, look at gesture
Check and tell to myself if I am jealous of this social ability, try to understand why
Share with my wife about that
BE REALISTIC, STAY SOBER
Do 1 thing at once, do not interrupt things because someone come to see me for help
Let people speak
To always get a glass of water when I drink alcohol, apply the rule “1 sip of alcohol, 1 sip of water”
To not look twice at women that generate sex appeal, it makes me trouble
To be natural, to not be a seducer

To be a good father
Continue to promote the game and intellectual/creative activity with them, to read them a story every night, and to develop intimate communication during this moment
To be able to explain things to my kids, to be a good and responsible father
To create a moment with each of them, where discuss, question and explanations could come in peace
To ask to my children only open question
To say to my chidren I love you

To improve intimacy to my parents,
Write them once a week

Identify the fear, identify the little boy inside me, share about this,
When guilt is present tell to my wife I am sorry.
Do not bring a solution for every question, identify with her sensitive question that make me afraid, that require time and exchange (what we would do next year? What will be my work schedule If I change job…)
Create with my wife a common
Tell my fear whatever the situation (family, professional…)
Write my fears using recovery nation portal

To tell my wife my feeling when they are, tell her beautiful thing, tell her when I found her she is beautiful, give her attention
Organize a time for discuss, do not let her only to start/organize the discuss
Stop to speak about myself, my recovery, to be ego centric
Propose project to develop our relation
Tell her when I want intimacy (hugs) or to make love

Think to others, to have empathy – connect friends where ever they are.
Restore contact and relation with my best friend I did not see and contact for 6 years
Write to the people I like

To help my wife in her recovery process
To continue to speak with her every evening, whatever the context.
To improve my listening
To be a good husband when crisis are here
To support her to restore self esteem
To share with her a list of “stressfull question”
To be actor in building a new life project
To maintain hope during crisis
To not lie to her

To keep healthy
Redefine my running activity in my weekly planning, schedule this activity to make it as immediate pleasure/gratification but to consider as an healthy plan
Do not practice sport to isolate, to escape, but as rebuilding activity
Practise sport when other activities are achieved (family, then recovery, then sport)
Do not use anymore “performance tracker” when running
To stop smoking, definitively, this summer.

Avoid situation, place, person that could be generate a risk for me:
Looking Internet when I am alone
Looking alone to movie, video clip with sexy girl
Do not go out if only objectives is to party, go out only to see people
Prefer party at home or at friend’s home
During business trip, avoid place that could remind addiction: KTV, bar, massage & spa

To work daily on my recovery process
To check every day my thread
To work every day on my lesson
To achieve 2 lessons per week
To write sincerely


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 10:07 pm 
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Posts: 112
Lesson 7

As I explained on previous post I already implemented some actions.

The most important I felt necessary to meet my value “Reliability” was to write my time management. I switched from paper to computerize diary 4 years ago, and I must confesss since then my time management was worse and worse. So my first decision was to build a schedule on a paper. Something I can handle as I want, I can share very easily.

At beginning of the week, I create a schedule. Just on a piece of paper. I put seven column for the seven day, 2 rows (morning/afternoon).
Then I started to write everything I know I have to do at the bottom: on left side the professional activities (main “to do list”), on the right side the personal activities.
I started to fill it. I showed to my wife explaining her what I wanted to do of this from now. She found for me a diary, I started to fill and use.

I keep this diary very closed to me during last 4 days. I started to add activities (especially the one related to family or friends) on the following week, I started to note everything when I hear myself “I need to do…”, “I want to do”…

After 4 days, there is a satisfaction to see some activities made on time, some other not made. I organize a special moment with my wife (I did not go to work in the morning, we went running, had a coffee and we made love). Some activities are late (mainly professional), I will have to reschedule and probably ask help. I included as well home burden. The list is growing fast and reducing slowly. I proposed my wife to fix 2 hours on saturday afternoon to fix them. I deleted my "running tracker application" from my IPhone as well. I did it in front of my wife. I do not need to track my performance to become healthy!

There ‘re actions related to my values that I do not put in my schedule. Every night I read a story to my children before bedtime. This is something I have always made (during my peak period of addiction, I nearly stopped or and I made it as burden). No need to plan this event. After kids go to bed, every night we prepare a tea and start to discuss with my wife. This we started at the disclosure time. Our both recovery processes are still the main topics, but this week we have spoken longer (2 to 3h), and the discuss move more and more to practical stuff.

We share a lot about our recovery plan with my wife. We agreed it is probably too much. She had anger about me this week, several time. She was tough at the moment. But I showed more empathy to that, and it never hurts me. I have hope now to recover, there is hope for us. Forgiveness is something possible.

I took a contact, a text message and then by phone, with my best friend. Of course I was afraid and guilt to not have contacted for 6 years (except little message for new year or for very special event), but the contact restart very well. We agree and plan to see each other within 2 weeks. Most probably I will share with him about my addiction problem.

I have been in touch with my family several time. I had, in best case, a monthly contact with my parent. It was never planned. A kind of duty motivated, on both part, by guilt. This time I handle it. My mother is currently at my grand-ma house to take care of her for more than 3 weeks now. The situation is difficult, my gran mother has lost autonomy. I called my mum every night, and I lead the organization of a skype with my gran-mother. The contact has taken place. I have seen during the skype that my parent are people avoiding emotion, but I succeed to communicate with my gran mother. I feel good to have make it. I take commitment to her to go and see her during my summer break time.

At work, I felt many benefit of this new organization. I improved my actions follow up. I had a very important meeting at beginning of the week. Despite the presence of my boss (like my wife, my parent r my friend, I wanted my boss to love me!!!), I took really the lead of the event and I express everything I wanted to say.
I worked daily on my recovery lesson. I used the transportation time (1h30 per day) to work on it. I only work on it.

At the end of the week, I feel proud of myself. Did what I have committed to do. I am able to link my actions to my value.

Of course I know it is far to be natural. It is an effort. I feel stronger.

I started to propose to my wife to create a list of “stress full questions”. A list we share. I stop to consider that I need to bring an answer. I have no shame to tell my fear. I want to be involved in building a solution to these questions.

My schedule started to be filled for the next week, with the same organization. On Sunday we will review with my wife the passed week.

I think this actions plan will be good to support evolution and modification. As I said, it is not natural for me, but I really hope it will become. Yesterday my wife told me a little about conscious and subconscious values, about conflict values. It is too early for me to understand practically these concept, but I think with my actions plan I will be able to identify troubles.

I won't be honnest if I say these 7 lessons have changed my life. But they gave me a hope that from now I can change my life, I can decide my life, I can give meaning to my life. Thanks for that. Now let's move to the next steps!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 10:04 am 
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Posts: 112
LESSON 10

On last Friday I was proud of the week I spent. I work hard, I felt really good. I felt honest. During the morning a trouble came. For a very little things: I did not respect my time schedule at work. I choose to answer in priority to a former colleague asking for help. There were no hurry, but I did it as it was urgent. I felt bad doing that. I did not understand why immediately. The guy asked me for help, and I understand that again as I was a super hero. That is what make me fell trouble. If someone tell me “you are good, you are handsome, you are a super hero…” then I forget what I commit to do and enter in the relation ship. It is a little a thing, something about work, but I understood why it makes me bad.
So I decided to go to “recovery nation portal”, to post my last lessons and to download the newt lessons. I have seen the tittle of lesson 10 and then my fear started. I felt really bad, and I called my wife about my trouble. The call calmed me down, and I turned back to my work.
On the way back to home, I open the lesson 10. I felt really bad. I read the exercise and I knew I had a choice to do. My first difficult choice since I built my new value system. I did not made the exercise immediately. I knew I had still lie, I knew I would have manipulated me by making exercise now. I have decided to talk to my wife and to tell her about the missing part of my addiction history. I have made my full disclosure.
I told her that I had relation with prostitutes far before my peak period, I told her that I had masturbated every time I felt alone even when we met me 20 years ago. And most of all, It was the most difficult to tell her, that I had an affair 20 years ago, before our wedding. I lied since she knew me.
I was not able to answer everything about the “why”, and I hope the rest of recovery process will help me to understand more about the nature and origin of my addiction. I hope to give a personal and honest definition of what is “LOVE”
After said that story, I felt good to have made it by myself, but I felt so “empty”. I felt like arriving in a desert. I felt like having completely lose my personality.
I fell now ready to work on lesson 10 and to continue the process.

Question 1:
The lies were used to protect myself because I am afraid to be alone.
I lied everytime I have made something I consider would be judged “worng” by the people with who I was in relation
I lied to myself, I minimized a lot to accept what I have done, to make my act consistent with the personality I wanted to show.
The lie only protect my ego. If I speak honestly about what I have made (in the past) or what I think (in present I am still triggered by sexual thought), I will maybe disappoint people, but I will fell consistent against what I am.

Question 2:
This question made me decide to give the whole history to my wife. I do not want to lie in any area of my life. I understand I can not recover without honesty.

Question 3:
I have no personal coaching, but I apply this to my “personal recovery thread”. And the answer is same as question 2

Question 4:
Concerning porn addiction, I trashed everything. I installed a protection on my IPhone. I does not prevent to go on porn website, but each time I will face this protection and I will have to take decision. For last 6 monh it is efficient.
I trashed all pictures, messages, related to the women I get an affair.
I know I can still find, with little effort, a way to contact these women. I did not trash completely everything:
 Phone book : 1 number of previous affair => I just trashed
 Email address : 2 contacts still in address book, but I used to filter – I did not get message for 4 month now => to trash, not done yet
 In my desk, at office, I know I still have contact (mail, phone) on pieces of paper => I just trashed

Question 5:
2013-08-2015-10 H, daily email/chat, sex addiction and fantasy, 2 years affairs
2015-05 2015-10: XJ, same than H, 6 month affairs
2015-08: prostitute p1
2015-06: prostitute p2
2015-03: A - flirt 3 days
2015-03: P3- massage
2014: p4, p5, p6, p7, p8
2012-06: p9
2012-07: HG - 1 night affair (try unsuccessfully sodomy)
2009(?)- p9
2006(?)-p10
2005-2012: systematically seeking for flirt when I go party, highly linked with a big consumption of alchohol 1998-flirt 1996-affair, 4 week end
2002-2009: frequent visit to lap dancing bar during my business trip, nearly 10 private dance From 2008, use of Internet to seek porn movie - 1 favorite actress SG, deep throat, sodomy From 2013, (multi) daily visit of porn web site with my I-phone

Question 6:
 Cave bar : prostitutes
 Any bars or Club: seduction and fantaisy
 Internet: Porn
 We-chat/email : share “romantic” message
 Toilet was the main place to masturbate. Shower in the morning. Always at home.
 In Hotel room during business trip, compulsive masturbation before to sleep


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:35 am 
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LESSON 12

Since lesson 10, “absolute honestly”, I do not think good, I feel a permanent trouble. I feel, not always in real time, the instant I am not sincere. I would like to list below what are they.
Truth:
As I explained in lesson 10, I told my wife the truth after reading the lesson, and before to answer exercise. I told her about who I was and what I have done before the big affairs I had for the last 2 years: I had sex with prostitute before and it starts long time ago, I had an affair before our wedding, masturbation has always been compulsive, when did I started to look at porn and my socializing way, mainly based on party+alchohol, was less and less to meet friends and more and more to meet girls, to seduce, to flirt.
I said the truth about the process how I become what I was.
My trouble come from 2 things:
1. Even if I did not prepare what I said to my wife, I wanted to do it ASAP without letting time to my mental to create a story, I know, and she sknows, I minimize. The exercise of lesson 10 were useful for example to list all my compulsive item. But I minimize about number of prostitute and the length of an affair. I feel bad about not having tell the whole truth. I continue to protect myself and that make me feel bad.
2. Second thing is about my real nature. Even if I am convinced about my value “reliability”, the most important one for my recovery, I really wonder about other value that drove me. I still do not know who I am, I feel I still have no limit. I am not able to give a meaning to what I have done, who I was. I am not able to answer “why”? Why I never respected any of my comitment (and most of all, the fidelity wish to my wife, weeding or not, because I started before my wedding). I feel empty, because I do not know who I am really. I keep in mind my value system, and I hope to understand later my relation to selfish and power.
My wife helps me a lot, and by talking I understood that I have a hinghly selfish vision about humanity. I do not understand fundamentally what is love. I see people, and I imagine they are like me, as independent selfish person. You use the other people to satisfy your need. In my case, my needs were on sex,intimacy, social recognition.

Minimization
I continue everyday to minimize situation.
2 night ago we had a very good intimacy moment with my wife, after a long discuss on recovery process, mainly on masturbation. We started to speak about sex and intimacy. We were on the bed ready to sleep. We hug, I felt good, but my mental bring me some message “I want sex”. I did not arouse, but the message was clear. I minimize to myself this message, and to my wife too. I was difficult to sleep, I was full of porn image (the day after I decided to review my lesson ten, and make a full inventory of the “persons and items” I used for compulsive sex, which are the sources of all these images.
I feel I minimize this event, especially when I told to my wife. The day after I tried to give her detail, and I feel very sorry to not identify the reason of these “voices” telling me, with obsession “make love, masturbate…”.
Again I focus a lot on the “why”. Is it so much important.

Afraid/fear about relapse
In this context, I am afraid of relapse. I have a big fear about my ability to create story, lie to prepare and cover relapse. It is very well explained in lesson 12. I recognize myself to struggle with my compulsion.
I am afraid about future situation I will live. During the last few days, I have clearly identify a link between my relation to alchohol and my sex addiction.
At the start of every acting out, there is alcohol. That is my way to socialize.
And it is very tough to reconsider, and I wonder which value will drive me (even if I list this topic in my values/actions plan, at the time I did not make a clear link).
I have a big challenge in front of me: I will spend 3 weeks alone during summer. For the ast 2 years it was the peak period of compulsion, stronger and stronger year after year (by the way, my history showed me I am used to act out when I am alone, when I have opportunity).
So I am afraid about creating situation where I will lose my control and by the way my value:
- Meet a “friend” that appreciate me for my partying behavior
- Afterwork evening with a colleague, I am famous to be a good party man
- …
We plan to work on action plan with my wife during our holiday period just before this “freedom” period. For her it will be very tough as well, she will have a lot of trigger. She must work on the fact that she must accept to have to control about what I will do.
I am afraid, it is a challenge. But it is a way for me to really assess my health.

Confusion about true emotion
“I want to make love”. Recently I was proud because I told it to my wife instead of let her guess. But what I have told about my lie, and as well about my compulsive behavior with masturbation (I am still in cycle abstinence-compulsion-abstinence) make me understand that I am not able to identify my emotion, when I struggle with emotion.
I can just identify trouble, unhealthy pattern, but in real time I do not trust myself to identify the emotion.
This participate to the fear as well.

Value driven
I feel very good and a lot of benefit about my initial actions plan definitively.
But it is still far to be natural. Here above I list different topics and origin of my fear:
- Still struggling with the truth
- Still a selfish vision about the relation to other people
- Still minimize, and so still able to manipulate to protect myself
- Fear about relapse and fear about my strength
- Still not able to identify emotion

I would say I am in group 4, but something inside me make me confident. In my way to manage my recovery: I give it time, I work all lessons even if first thing it looks under control, I am not afraid to return to previous lesson and reconsider. I see it as a path, I enjoy the path even if it is painful.
I fill my healthy monitoring honestly with sincerity. I do not lie to myself when I fill it. I am able to identify my trouble, I am speak about it, even if I use minimization. But I clearly think I still struggle hard with my compulsion.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:50 am 
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Lesson 13

This lesson is very useful. On previous lesson I explained my fears and my current feeling of emptiness. In this lesson I found other reformulation that make me think I am in an actual recovery phase. And I think to myself that maybe what I have described in previous lesson are sign of “recovery”. Here below few extract that touch me a lot:

“They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.”
I explained my fears about the relapse. I know that to avoid situation is not a healthy way (even if abstinence), and it is true I spent time to create new patterns. Previsoulsy I wrote I feel “empty”. I want to find new patterns to fill this emptiness, based on my value.

“They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.”
It is very important for me. Until now I took my decision based on what I think the other one will expect. It is a big change for me.

“They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.”
Emptyness, powerlessness, helpless… I know I can change, I will work to create the healthy patterns to replace these emotions. I believe in.

“Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partners fully — as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).”
Confusion of emotion, I explained in previous lesson that I am afraid of some words in my mouth : “I love”, “I want to..”. I have the feeling to not know who I am (the one I am now).

“Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.”
I am afraid, but I will have to manage. And it is actually an opportunity to check my strength.

So to answer last question, I think my values are consistent with my recovery. My fears are directly related to my value, to the lack of experience to manage all aspects of my life and especially my addiction. But my value are efficient as far as they enable me to identify these trouble and to find a solution to handle it with health. And I feel like I was building something, not as I was fighting something. Definitively.

This lesson makes me feel good


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:57 am 
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Lesson14
Here below my daily monitoring questions

Did I achieve everything I planned?
Did I schedule new activities, reminders?
Did I have a talk with my wife more than on day to day issue?
Did I support home burden?
Did I have been present with my children?
Did I had unhealthy behaviors? How much to time did they cost?
Did I had unhealthy thought?
Did I lie?

i put the question on a paper, with one column per day. I just answer yes or no, and add comment per day if necessary on the back side of the paper. I keep the daily monitoring next to me, with my diary. I experienced already 2 days. Very efficient especially to catch the unhealthy behaviors or thought. And by the way to share with my partner.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:58 am 
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Lesson 15

During last 2 weeks I learnt that I can decide the life I want. On day to day, I pass many cross road, and I can choose the direction. I learn to be aware of these choice and to assume these decisions. I learnt that no matter the decision taken is right or wrong, the important is to assume it.

I learnt that my decision can disappoint people, people I like. I took decision in a selfish way. I need to give more care and attention to other people, not to be loved, but to respect them.
Misunderstanding still exists, they come from my interpretation of the others emotion. I ask more questions, I am not afraid to show my inability or my lack of understanding.

The use of diary, the fact to write every major idea and to share about it, is really helpful.
Even if it is not natural, automatic, I fell really myself.

I learnt as well to describe my unhealthy pattern. It is tough, for myself and my partner, but the recent lessons were very useful. Useful because I am more aware about them, to identify them. And by the way to establish a strategy when they appear.

To return to the question I could say I have fully integrated the actions plan to my day to day. There is no one day without checking my actions plan, without adding anything personal (a thing to do, a thought, an emotion). It is very useful when unhealthy thought are present, I retake the control of myself, I convert the emotion into an action. And I feel good more because I took control than I took the right choice. I see benefits in many aspect of my life.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2016 2:07 pm 
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Lesson 16
Positive aspects of my unhealthy behavior

I need to separate the behaviors:
- masturbation and porn
Pleasure related to orgasm, clearly a way to isolate my self from stress.

- affairs, stalking
To not feel alone, to express myself (I know of course it was not sincere). To have an identity and to increase my self esteem. My affairs, highly sexual, are linked with an intensive letters production (I wrote everyday letters). The letters offer me the opportunity to improve the image of the affairs (it was real love) and my image (I am a romantic lover able to write everyday).

- promiscuity, prostitution
This is highly related to my socializing way. It helps me to feel to have an image, to have interaction, to increase self esteem (I thought to have a strong personality). Each time the consumption of alcohol was important. It helped me to feel like a "cool guy" able to socialize and take the leadership of socialization (bring people to party with more and more promiscuity).

My behaviors helped me to not feel alone, to build an identity (based on fantasy) or a helmet (against my social fear). As I had a low self confidence, the creation of this "Mr Hyde" was here to compensate my social inabilities.

Today I still meet people that identify me to the image I gave at that time (party man, drinking a lot). I am not proud of that, but I succeed to face it without being tempted to give back this image. I know the "positive" bring by the addicted behaviors, but I have no illusion on it now. I know I can socialize by being myself, without taking any substance.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2016 2:08 pm 
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Posts: 112
Lesson 17
The lesson is not easy to catch, and I do not feel comfortable to choose one of the ritual of my addiction. I had the feeling that everything is linked, from the daily chat and masturbation, to the secret date in hotel for a full night of sex, through alchoholic party.

I will try to separate sequence of ritual and to identify the stimulation:

Daily ritual 1: to write a letter to my affair(s) - for 2 years I wrote daily (sometime several time per day) a letter to my main affair. I scrapped around 1500 email just about 1 relation. This give a romantic touch to my addiction.

Sensory: no, I do not think this ritual was stimulated by sensory, even if the very final purpose was to have sex with this person. I will describe later the sensory during sex.

Fantasy: yes, about sex and about the image I wanted to give. One of my affair told me once that I wrote for myself. Writing was a way to build an image. It was not an exchange but only a way to build an image, to seduce. Fantasy has a great role: sex and my image. I often attached picture to these email. A lot of selfies. I wanted to generate desire.

Achievement/accomplishment
I was really proud to be able to create every day an original letter. I was proud to aim my goal: seduce and make this secret relation to continue.

Power
Power to seduce, the power to get what I want. Especially when I started to have daily chat/mail with several women in same time. I felt a big power: power to seduce, power to bring what they expect (image, consideration, attention), power to be loved.

Orgasm
Even if it was the final motivation, I do not think I felt orgasm in writing these letters.

Poly addiction
Yes, addiction to sex, to my image (narcissism and my ego). It becomes essential to write everyday, and each time I felt reject by one of the women, I wrote to another. I became addict to this excercise.

Past
I spoke a lot about the past in my later. I idealized the past, my romantic past. I had the feeling to live again a romantic past. I was 40, and I thought to act like I was 20 (a complete fantasy about my twenties).

Danger
I must admit I completely forget about any danger. I knew it was secret, and I hide it, but danger was not a stimulation despite so many risk I took. I was incouscious and irresponsible. I would prefer to say danger was a stimulation but no.

Suspense
This seduction exercise was full of suspense. It is pure mental, nothing with heart, the purpose was to succeed to date and have sex. I was curious and stimulated by this "suspense".

Daily ritual 2: masturbation with porn
Sensory
The touch of my sex was a big stimulation. I had only 1 orgasm, but I was able to control for hours.

Fantasy
My fantasy was around the ejaculation. My stimulation came from the different way to ejaculate. Behind that there is something very unhealthy about the domination and humiliation of the sex partner. I was looking about that, and I used protostute and my affair to make real these ejaculation fantasy.

Achievement/accomplishment
My ability to control my ejaculation. At the peak of my behaviors I was able to have sex without stop during 1 to 2 hours (I can not imagine now how my partners could have get pleasure!). I was like a porn actor.

Power
Power to bring myself pleasure. And something around the ejaculation, symbol of power and domination in porn movies.

Orgasm
The stimulation came from my ability to control the longer possible my orgasm. To be like a porn actor.

Poly addiction
The masturbation stimulate others addictions: narcissism about my body, I was used to masturbate in front of a mirror, looking to my body, trying to look more to a porn actors and as well to sex performance. It highly contribute to my vision about sex: performance and voyeurism.

Past
Nothing, except the use of image of the past (previous partner,or sex) to stimulate the masturbation. During recent relapse on masturbation i was amazed by the ability to bring back image of the past (from sex experience, porn movies...).

Danger
I masturbate only in "safe area" (at home, at hotel during business trip). I had outdoor sex with my mistress, but I could not say I was looking for the danger or risk. When it happened, I was not able to perform if the risk to be seen was too big.

Suspense
I was stimulated on porn movie to see the end, to the see the ejaculation. I think I was stimulated by the domination around the ejaculation.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2016 2:09 pm 
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Posts: 112
Lesson 18
Time, intensity, habituation

I am in holidays and I did not work too much during last 2 days. I filled my daily monitoring (the day after) and digest lesson per lesson what I learnt.

Lesson 18 is complex, and I still do not know how to make the excercise.

On my daily monitoring, I have a question about unhealthy thought. Unfortunately there is no one day without unhealthy thought: fantasy about previous affair, stimulation come usually before to sleep or when I wake up. At that time my sex is hard, and I am full of image with sensory, mainly touch. My thought go to oral sex mainly. Then I linked this stimulation with fantasy and secret. I imagine I date another time this affair. Then I imagine to discuss with her. Fantasy.

I feel a lot of guilt about these thought, and usually it happens when I am at bed, by the way close to my wife. The fact to have attention and mutual kindness with my wife on early morning (we have a ritual to wake up slowly and to exchange a warm "good morning") help me to recover healthy thought. But the guilt is important, the fear of relapse too. I do not like the fact to not control my thought.

By the way lesson 18, on which I thought during the last 2 days, helps me too to switch from unhealthy to healthy mind. I understand a kind of mechanism in my mind to extend my fantasy, the circuit to keep intensity (move from 1 stimulation to another) and how it generates habituation.

This "scientific" vision of fantasy is really helpful to switch, by making these image colder. I do not know if it was the purpose of the lesson, but I think it improves my understanding of my addiction.

Else I fell good, I take a provision of very positive image: I found my wife beautiful, my children so lively and I have wonderful moment with my relatives. Huge change compared to last year! I wanted to tell!


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2016 2:10 pm 
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Posts: 112
Lesson 20
Identify the progression of the addiction
Major transition
Traumas
Role of the addiction

Look to future possible situation
Role of addiction could help
What would it feel like
Would it be a rapid or progression
What signs would you look for
What actions would you take

I will try to process the 2 approach.

Looking to the past, I can understand the following progression
Step 1: compulsive masturbation, starting really early (I would say 12 or 13). I fantasized on women. I felt boredom a lot, very few friends, and parent, even if they let me freedom, they were "intolerant" to other behaviors (in this context difficult to expression what I liked without taking the risk to disappoint them). Masturbation and fantasy (video games and TV) filled my very boring days during holidays period.
I kiss my first girlfriend at 17, I made love only at 20 (I had masturbation and oral sex with girls only before).

Step 2: alcoholic based socialization
From 17 I started to meet friends (and girls) often related to substance taking moment (alcohol, cigaret, hashisch).
Between 17 to 18 I smoked several joint per day (without negative impact to my school results).
I discovered that substance were really helpful to meet people. I was able to create the image of someone cool. And naturally I started to have girl friends. I discover that I was good looking. I never had to seek for a girl friend. From this period I have never ever been alone more than few days. At 18, I had my first long period girl friend. We were together for 2 years. I reduced my consumption of substance, and by the way to extend my friendship or develop new friendship. I had a girl friend.

Step 3: seduce to never be alone, selfish behavior
I did not have good time for this 2 years with my girl friend. I was so afraid to lose her, I enter in a very exclusive relation (but I had an affair - as a revenge). I felt completely absorb by this relation, unable to express my wish. For 2 years we did not make love (just touch, oral sex) despite stimulation (we looked together porn movie). Very unhealth relation, but I know now that I could have made other choice. She stopped the relation to go with one of my friend (another student I admired, with whom I compete at school). It was terribly painful... But I found a new girl friend in the following week (actually she found me). During the coming month I have been openly bet cynical about relation with women. I discover my ability to seduce. Because I was handsome, and I have the ability to let the people hear what they wanted to hear. Pure seduction, I understand now!
I met my future wife at this period. I felt something very strong with her. She was not as pretty as previous girl friends, but she bring to me the image I wanted to show: fun, smart, culture. She open to me a complete new world. She is the first one I made love for real. But I have never said to her.
It is tough and cruel that I build my life with her based on selfish motivation: to not be alone, and develop an image I could be proud.

But my behavior did not stop there. I had an affair when she went study abroad for 4 month. I have never stopped masturbation (a way to keep busy and the pleasure to fantasize).

I built a very exclusive relation with her (or I gave this image). She blames me a lot for that now, this is easily understandable.

"Love me and I would be want you want" could be a summary of my behavior. Very early I learnt manipulation in order to have immediate gratification.

Step 4: need for seduction
As far as I can remember I use every possible opportunity to seduce. Seduction is a kind of manipulation for me. The gratification was to be noticed, to be seen. But seduction did not go farther than flirt. I had pleasure just to know it would have been possible, just to feed my fantasy.
Compulsive masturbation continued, but the arrival of Internet one life has enable to enlarge the image to feed my fantasy.
Then I started to Imagine more about the people I seduced.
At this time I tried prostitute for the first time.
I started to go farther and farther in seduction, till the time I had sex a first time.

Step 5: maximize opportunity to have affair
Then every party became an opportunity to meet new girls, every girl an opportunity to experiment my fantasy, sexually or simply with my "identity".

Step 6: organizing the secret, the lie
I started to organize all my life around the addiction. The week before disclosure I met 2 mistress, and I have been drunk 4 times. I spent most of my time around this. I felt despair when I miss message from 1 of my mistress, so I activated others contact. I needed my "shot" everyday. When I was in holiday with my family, I only thought about that. The day without Internet in isolated place were painful. I was less and less lucid and no present at all.

At this stage, sex addiction was my unique life pillar.

I am able to understand this process now. The root cause is not clear, but I understand the gratification found on every ritual, and the process to increase the intensity and how the escalation has worked.

Rituals related to my addiction are more than masturbation or affairs. My way to socialize and globally my way to interact with others refer to same stimulation. I am seeking for immediate gratification,recognition.

Now speaking about the second approach, speaking about future. I know I am still very emotionally sensitive. What will change my awareness?
I compare with another problem: smoking addiction. For people who knows me for a long time, they would say I am quitting cigarett... For 10 years! And it is true I never stopped to quit for the last 10 years, and I can not count how many time I relapsed after several month.
I stopped again for 3 weeks now. This time I motivated my decision not by healthy concern but with my value. Reliability and relapse awareness.
The recent lesson learnt me a lot about addiction mechanism.
I do not think it is enough to avoid relapse in case of major emotional accident, but I would say if relapse happen, it won't be progressive at all (I will try to maximize my pleasure, the same as for tobacco relapse, it comes quickly to one pack per day) and it will be followed immediately by strong guilt. I would probably turned back to my initial action plan based on value and my monitoring to restart "healthy" behaviors.
I have hope, ambition, I think I won't be same anymore, but I still feel weak, principally due to my thought.
I did not have any unhealthy behavior for 1 month, but it is still difficult to control my thought.
Each time I struggle, I think about "time, intensity, habituation" and try to understand the ritual. But I afraid how my mind is still (virtually) stimulated by emotional and sexual gratification.


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