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 Post subject: Bob23's recovery thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:08 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:18 pm
Posts: 6
just the first post to make sure it worked... more to follow.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:59 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:18 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 1 Parts A And B

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:

1) actively committing yourself to change:

I have previously actively committed myself to change for myself and myself only; however, for some reason I was still lying to myself and convinced myself that not actively “acting out” was to not look specifically at pornographic material. I felt that it was “OK” to randomly scroll through news feeds in hopes of finding a provocative picture because I wasn’t on a “porn” site. However, I have come to recognize that it is not “what” I look at, but the “intent behind it” and actively seeking out things to aid in fulfilling my urges is not healthy for my recovery.

so here I try again… I feel re-motivated to actively commit to change. This doesn’t just mean “going through the steps” but actually being involved and committed to kicking this thing once and for all, whatever that takes.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

Believe me, I have experienced tremendous amounts of guilt and shame over the course of this… I can’t even say addiction.., more of a lifestyle; as it has held me captive for over half of my life to date. I have come to terms with these feelings, and can no longer allow them to control my behaviors. I mean I still feel these feelings and they do have an effect on my current mood, however I am able to take them for what they are… indications that the actions that I have taken to evoke those emotions are not the person I want to be, and I use them more as motivation to change so I don’t have to experience them due to my addiction in the future.

3) allowing yourself time to change.

I honestly used to think that by going “through the steps” as quickly as I could would mean that I am “cured” and won’t have to worry about this anymore. However, after numerous attempts always ending in failure, I have come to realize that this cannot be “fixed” overnight. It has been a part of my everyday life for a long time, and it is going to take a long time to learn to conquer it and control it. I also now know that it will never be “fixed” or “cured”. Addiction stays with you for life and the best you can do is to control it in a way so that you can be the person you want to be, and not allow your addiction to control you as it did in the past.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

1. Lets use the example..lol.. I want to be honest and transparent with my wife
. a. This has been a major hurdle in our relationship to the point that it has pretty well destroyed us as a couple. But she hasn’t left yet so this is a must.
2. I want to be honest with myself
3. I want to be fully involved in my child’s life
4. I want to feel good about my actions
5. I want to be more productive at work
6. I just want to be happy
7. I want to be able to trust in myself that my actions are true and honest
8. I want to be a positive role model for my child
9. I want my child to have a healthy and fulfilling life
10. I want our family to stay together
11. I want to have a trusting relationship with my wife


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 4:36 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3465
Location: UK
Hello Bob
welcome to RN

Quote:
I feel re-motivated to actively commit to change. This doesn’t just mean “going through the steps” but actually being involved and committed to kicking this thing once and for all, whatever that takes.


great
so if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:11 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:18 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson #2: Personal Vision

I guess this is a good exercise for me because I really never had a long-term vision for my life. Although I have turned out to be fairly successful in my career, I have basically been living my life in a reactionary fashion. As something came up I would deal with it the best way I could, but never have I set a long-term goal beyond a year or so.

So… to create a personal vision I would say that the number one goal for me is to be happy. To not feel shameful of any decisions I make and not to potentially hurt others by the decisions I make. I plan on keeping my family together, and to develop a caring trusting relationship with my wife. I will be there for my daughter to support and be involved with all the stages of her life. I will learn to take care of my own wants and needs in order to keep myself happy. This will include spending time alone and apart from my wife and allow my wife to do the same; Because everybody needs some alone time. I hope to take a big family vacation where there are no worries of me acting out of line or inappropriately as I did in the past. I want to be able to go places with my family without the fear and apprehension that I feel now. In order to accomplish these goals and many others in my life going forward, I need to stop letting this addiction take control of me and my life. And transition into a healthy life and attitude so that my addiction doesn’t even register as a thing in my mind anymore.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:16 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:18 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 3: List of Values

1. Being honest in all aspects of my life
2. Doing meaningful things in my life
3. Taking care of myself
4. Having some productive “me time”
5. Doing fun things together as a family
6. Doing fun things with just my wife
7. Doing fun things with just my daughter
8. Spending more time with my biological family
9. Doing more physical activity (skiing, cycling, running, hiking)
10. Considering others when making decisions and taking action
11. Develop trust with my wife
12. Talking openly and honestly with my wife
13. Provide a nurturing environment for my family
14. Creating attainable goals and working towards them
15. Embracing my creative side through woodworking, building things
16. Improve my skills at work
17. Commit to going above and beyond in my work as I know I can
18. Achieving intimacy with my wife
19. Making and nurturing friendships
20. Being involved in my nieces and nephews lives
21. Going fishing
22. Playing a video game every now and then
23. Being responsible as a parent
24. Being responsible as a husband
25. Reducing debt
26. Eating healthy
27. Indulging in “good” food every now and then
28. Getting a good night’s sleep
29. Spending time at the cabin
30. Making my own decisions
31. Helping others
32. Keeping my yard and house in good shape
33. Going sliding with my family
34. Listening to good music
35. Playing my clarinet
36. Listening to myself and my feelings
37. Integrity
38. Being curious
39. Challenge myself
40. Being assertive
41. Letting my wife know that she doesn’t need me to do things.
42. Adapting to life’s challenges
43. Being compassionate towards others
44. Accepting people for who they are
45. Not being judgemental
46. Maintaining a sense of humor
a. Dark Side Values
i. Selfishness
ii. Caring only about myself
iii. Dishonesty
iv. Deception
v. Weakness
vi. Living only in the moment
vii. Shame
viii. Guilt
ix. Loss of control
x. Hatred
xi. Remorse
xii. Sorrow


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:03 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:18 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 4: Prioritized values

1. Being honest in all aspects of my life
2. Provide a nurturing environment for my family
3. Talking openly and honestly with my wife
4. Develop trust with my wife
5. Taking care of myself
6. Making my own decisions
7. Listening to myself and my feelings
8. Being assertive
9. Doing meaningful things in my life
10. Being responsible as a parent
11. Being responsible as a husband
12. Integrity
13. Creating attainable goals and working towards them
14. Having some productive “me time”
15. Doing fun things together as a family
16. Doing fun things with just my wife
17. Doing fun things with just my daughter
18. Being compassionate towards others
19. Being involved in my nieces and nephews lives
20. Spending more time with my biological family
21. Considering others when making decisions and taking action
22. Challenge myself
23. Making and nurturing friendships
24. Achieving intimacy with my wife
25. Letting my wife know that she doesn’t need me to do things.
26. Adapting to life’s challenges
27. Doing more physical activity (skiing, cycling, running, hiking)
28. Eating healthy
29. Getting a good night’s sleep
30. Helping others
31. Accepting people for who they are
32. Not being judgemental
33. Maintaining a sense of humor
34. Improve my skills at work
35. Commit to going above and beyond in my work as I know I can
36. Embracing my creative side through woodworking, building things
37. Being curious
38. Reducing debt
39. Going fishing
40. Playing a video game every now and then
41. Indulging in “good” food every now and then
42. Spending time at the cabin
43. Keeping my yard and house in good shape
44. Going sliding with my family
45. Listening to good music
46. Playing my clarinet
47.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:36 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:18 pm
Posts: 6
Lesson 5: Top 15 revised values

1. Being honest in all aspects of my life
2. Provide a nurturing environment for my family
3. Talking openly and honestly with my wife
4. Develop trust with my wife
5. Taking care of myself
6. Making my own decisions
7. Listening to myself and my feelings
8. Being assertive
9. Doing meaningful things in my life
10. Doing more physical activity (skiing, cycling, running, hiking)
11. Being responsible as a parent
12. Being responsible as a husband
13. Creating attainable goals and working towards them
14. Having some productive “me time”
15. Doing fun things together as a family


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