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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:56 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 1 Exercises
1. Actively Committing yourself to change
a. I want to be honest and transparent with my wife
b. I want to have healthy thoughts
c. I want to live a life free from shame and guilt
d. I want to be non-impulsive with my choices
e. I want to occupy my mind with real, not fantasy thoughts
f. I want to find and experience my inner happiness
g. I want to make better decisions with how I live my life
h. I want to have a healthy mind, body & soul
i. I want to be a positive influence for my children
j. I want be my authentic self and comfortable in my own skin
k. I want to respect myself and live consciously
l. I want to be comfortable with my own sexuality
m. I want to focus on my life and family, not the external world
2. Not Allowing guilt/shame to sabotage my commitment to change
a. I have to learn to accept thoughts as just that and not feel guilt or shame
b. I have no reason to be ashamed of myself
c. I can talk about my issue and not feel ashamed – I want to change


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:59 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 2 Vision
Commitment
I want to fully commit myself to my wife and family. I want to experience deep intimacy and vulnerability with my wife and feel the true connection that one human being can have with another. I want to experience the intensity of love so deeply that it can hurt. I want to nurture and help my children into becoming the mature, responsible and fulfilled persons that they can be. Even when they are adults I want to commit myself to mentor and assist them with their lives and families. I want to commit myself to being the best business owner that I can be and make ethical, informed decisions, and to be courageous with growing the business and sensitive to all of our clients and customers. I want to commit myself to a lifetime of learning and exploring the world through reading, travel and friendship with others. I want to commit myself to having healthy boundaries with everyone in my life and whom I will encounter.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 10:00 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 3
My Values
• Be honest with all people
• Deepen intimacy with my wife
• Be vulnerable with my wife
• Live a life of integrity
• Live up to my commitments
• Experience love in my life
• Be a model/loving parent
• Help my children develop their natural potential
• Be an effective business owner
• Be a good manager
• Be reliable
• Be trustworthy
• Be unselfish
• Treat others fairly
• Be humble
• Be kind
• Be empathetic
• Live a healthy life
• Have healthy boundaries
• Self-respect
• Live purposefully
• Be responsible
• Grow through learning and education
• Be a good friend
• Experience friendship
• Be patient
• Share my true self
• Show appreciation to my wife and others
• Laugh and have a sense of humor
• Have courage to confront difficult people and situations
• Express my feelings and emotions
• Seek knowledge
• Trust others
• Believe in myself
• Love myself
• Love others
• Explore the world around me
• Help others
• Be a good son
• Be a good husband
• Be a good husband
• Be a good father
• Be financially responsible
• Reward myself in healthy ways
• Envision new possibilities and better outcomes but live in reality
• Validate mine and others feelings
• Respect others
• Healthy sex and intimacy with wife
• Express my thoughts and ideas to others
• Ask for help and express my needs


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 8:27 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
My Prioritized Values
1. Be honest with all people – live a life of integrity
2. Respect myself
3. Love myself
4. Respect others
5. Express my feelings and emotions
6. Be vulnerable with my wife
7. Experience intimacy with my wife
8. Express my thoughts and ideas to others
9. Have courage to confront difficult people and situations
10. Have healthy boundaries
11. Envision new possibilities and better outcomes but live in reality
12. Be a model/loving parent
13. Live a healthy life
14. Show appreciation to my wife and others
15. Live up to my commitments
16. Reward myself in healthy ways
17. Be trustworthy
18. Live purposefully
19. Be unselfish
20. Share my true self
21. Be kind
22. Be humble
23. Be empathetic
24. Help my children develop their natural potential
25. Love others
26. Experience friendship
27. Be patient
28. Explore the world around me
29. Be a good son
30. Be a good husband
31. Be a good father
32. Be financially responsible
33. Experience love in my life
34. Be an effective business owner
35. Be a good manager
36. Be reliable
37. Treat others fairly
38. Be responsible
39. Grow through learning and education
40. Be a good friend
41. Laugh and have a sense of humor
42. Seek knowledge
43. Trust others
44. Believe in myself
45. Help others
46. Validate mine and others feelings
47. Healthy sex and intimacy with wife
48. Ask for help and express my needs


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 5:17 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 5
1. Be honest with all people – live a life of integrity
2. Respect myself
3. Love myself
4. Respect others
5. Express my feelings and emotions
6. Be vulnerable with my wife
7. Experience intimacy with my wife
8. Express my thoughts and ideas to others
9. Have courage to confront difficult people and situations
10. Have healthy boundaries
11. Envision new possibilities and better outcomes but live in reality
12. Be a model/loving parent
13. Live a healthy life
14. Show appreciation to my wife and others
15. Live up to my commitments


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:39 am 
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General Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:49 pm
Posts: 3948
Welcome to Recovery Nation,

You've done some good work so far. A couple of things to get you more grounded as you start your recovery.

Your vision needs to be more comprehensive in order to support the value development you will be doing. I suggest you look at the post on Visioning pinned to the top of the self help board to see the different areas you could add.


From there you will see more variety for your values that will help to create a balanced life. For instance your top 15 values overlap a bit and are focused on only a couple areas.

Quote:
1.Be honest with all people – live a life of integrity
2. Respect myself
3. Love myself
4. Respect others
5. Express my feelings and emotions
6. Be vulnerable with my wife
7. Experience intimacy with my wife
8. Express my thoughts and ideas to others
9. Have courage to confront difficult people and situations
10. Have healthy boundaries
11. Envision new possibilities and better outcomes but live in reality
12. Be a model/loving parent
13. Live a healthy life
14. Show appreciation to my wife and others
15. Live up to my commitments



These can be combined into one. Maybe something like "I experience intimacy and vulnerability with my wife"
Quote:
Be vulnerable with my wife
Experience intimacy with my wife
Show appreciation to my wife and others


These are not specific enough. What does living a healthy life and having healthy boundaries look like? Maybe something like I eat right and exercise to have a healthy body and I have boundaries around my values to live a healthy balanced life. Just examples it has to be your words of course.
Quote:
Have healthy boundaries
Live a healthy life


Take another look at your vision and then see how many values you can pull out of it and then make the top 15 really clear and strong.

Coach Cheryl


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:45 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Updated Lesson 2 - Vision Statement

When I look back on my life I will have lived a life of commitment and fulfillment.

I committed myself to my wife and family and will be remembered for being an honest and loyal husband, and a loving, adventurous and supportive father. My family will remember me for being courageous, vulnerable, and sensitive to their needs. I pledged my heart and meant it. Others trusted me – while I was independent, I was always reliable, closely connected to my family, responsible and did the right thing. I was a hard worker and was always willing to lend a hand to others.
I followed my passions for sports and enjoyed being a team player. Throughout my life I was a voracious reader and student of history and pursued my writing passion. I loved learning for its own sake. I explored the world and embraced new ideas and the people around me. I had a hunger for learning and self-improvement. I developed my natural talents over my life - analyzing different issues and writing about them. I helped start and grow new businesses and provide structure and organization to help ideas get off the ground. I was calm and confident in stressful situations and strived to be humble and open-minded when working with others. Above all, I was loving, caring and cheerful to others.
I lived my dreams and built a legacy for my family. In my life I frequently traveled to the beach and mountains and spent as much time with my wife, kids and grandkids as possible. I helped our kids get established in life so they can be successful. I followed and discussed politics, sports and the issues of my time. I felt loved and valued in my life, and was intimate and playful with my wife and enjoyed the everyday challenges of life. I built and enjoyed with my family a warm, loving and inviting home.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:47 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Updated Values

1. I am honest with all people and live a life of integrity
2. I respect myself and others
3. I love myself and others
4. I express my feelings and emotions
5. I experience intimacy and vulnerability with my wife
6. I express my thoughts and ideas to others
7. I have courage to confront difficult people and situations
8. I have boundaries around my values so that I live a healthy and balanced life.
9. I protect and keep my family safe
10. I live in reality but envision new possibilities and better outcomes
11. I am a loving parent that does the right thing for his children
12. I eat well and exercise regularly
13. I show appreciation and gratitude to my wife and others
14. I live up to my commitments
15. I reward myself in healthy ways
16. I am trustworthy
17. I live purposefully
18. I am unselfish
19. I am independent but trust others
20. I am a team player
21. I share my true self
22. I am humble and kind
23. I am brave and courageous
24. I have empathy for others
25. I help my children develop their natural potential
26. I am a good friend and experience true friendship
27. I am patient
28. I travel and explore the world around me
29. I am a good son
30. I am a good husband and father
31. I am reliable and responsible in all areas of my life
32. I experience love in my life
33. I am an entrepreneurial business owner
34. I am a good manager
35. I treat others fairly
36. I grow through learning and education
37. I laugh and have a sense of humor
38. I seek knowledge
39. I trust others
40. I believe in myself
41. I help others
42. I validate mine and others feelings
43. I have healthy sex and intimacy with wife
44. I ask for help and express my needs


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:49 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Updated Prioritized Values

1. I am honest with all people and live a life of integrity
2. I respect myself and others
3. I love myself and others
4. I express my feelings and emotions
5. I experience intimacy and vulnerability with my wife
6. I express my thoughts and ideas to others
7. I have courage to confront difficult people and situations
8. I have boundaries around my values so that I live a healthy and balanced life.
9. I protect and keep my family safe
10. I live in reality but envision new possibilities and better outcomes
11. I am a loving parent that does the right thing for his children
12. I eat well and exercise regularly
13. I show appreciation and gratitude to my wife and others
14. I live up to my commitments
15. I reward myself in healthy ways


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:19 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 6 - Action Plans

1. I am honest with all people and live a life of integrity
a. Be honest to myself about experiences and situations
b. Write down the facts to get them straight
c. Check the thoughts in my head before stating them
d. State to others if I don’t know something or don’t remember
e. Don’t worry about guilt for telling the truth
f. Anticipate that others may not like the message
g. Be proud of myself of being honest
h. Accept that the truth can be awkward and uncomfortable
i. Know that telling the truth can be hard
j. Analyze my behaviors and actions to truly understand myself
k. Don’t exaggerate or embellish statements
l. Do not minimize, tell half-truths or sugarcoat
2. I respect myself and others
a. I am honest with myself
b. I ask for what I want
c. I eat well and exercise
d. I value my strengths and abilities
e. I say no when I don’t want something
f. I admit to and forgive myself for making mistakes
g. I avoid negative people as much as possible
h. I forgive others who have hurt me
i. I don’t compare myself to others
j. I listen to others
k. I am kind and polite to everyone
l. I see others or their whole humanity not just body parts
m. I see to understand the opinions, feelings and thoughts of others
n. I have personal space boundaries with others
o. I acknowledge other people for their many roles – e.g. son/daughter, friend, teacher, mother, spouse, student
p. I see the expressiveness in others
3. I express my feelings and emotions
a. I write down feelings and related thoughts
b. I reflect on where my body feelings are – stomach, chest, head, etc.
c. I identify people, actions and experiences that relate to my feelings
d. I communicate my feelings as an “I” statement
e. I don’t minimize my feelings with adverbs, e.g. “sorta” or “probably”
f. I am proud to express my feelings
g. I accept that others may not like the feelings that I express
h. I take deep breaths to calm down
i. I journal my experiences and feelings


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 7:32 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 7 - action plans for top 15 values

1. I am honest with all people and live a life of integrity
a. Be honest to myself about experiences and situations
b. Write down the facts to get them straight
c. Check the thoughts in my head before stating them
d. State to others if I don’t know something or don’t remember
e. Don’t worry about guilt for telling the truth
f. Anticipate that others may not like the message
g. Be proud of myself of being honest
h. Accept that the truth can be awkward and uncomfortable
i. Know that telling the truth can be hard
j. Analyze my behaviors and actions to truly understand myself
k. Don’t exaggerate or embellish statements
l. Do not minimize, tell half-truths or sugarcoat
2. I respect myself and others
a. I am honest with myself
b. I ask for what I want
c. I eat well and exercise
d. I value my strengths and abilities
e. I say no when I don’t want something
f. I admit to and forgive myself for making mistakes
g. I avoid negative people as much as possible
h. I forgive others who have hurt me
i. I don’t compare myself to others
j. I listen to others
k. I am kind and polite to everyone
l. I see others or their whole humanity not just body parts
m. I see to understand the opinions, feelings and thoughts of others
n. I have personal space boundaries with others
o. I acknowledge other people for their many roles – e.g. son/daughter, friend, teacher, mother, spouse, student
p. I see the expressiveness in others
3. I express my feelings and emotions
a. I write down feelings and related thoughts
b. I reflect on where my body feelings are – stomach, chest, head, etc.
c. I identify people, actions and experiences that relate to my feelings
d. I communicate my feelings as an “I” statement
e. I don’t minimize my feelings with adverbs, e.g. “sorta” or “probably”
f. I am proud to express my feelings
g. I accept that others may not like the feelings that I express
h. I take deep breaths to calm down
i. I journal my experiences and feelings
4. I love myself and others
a. I list my positive attributes and reflect on them daily
b. I celebrate myself
c. I work on overcoming negative beliefs about myself
d. I avoid perfectionism
e. I give myself the gift of time
f. I accept myself
g. I forgive my past
h. I am unselfish and thoughts and deeds
i. I express gratitude to others each day
j. I express sympathy and compassion for others
k. I accept disappointment in life as natural
5. I experience intimacy and vulnerability with my wife
a. I confide my feelings to my wife on a frequent basis
b. I value non sexual contact, i.e. hugs, snuggling, touch and massage as a way of growing close
c. I am absolutely honest with her
d. I listen to her feelings and I emphathize with her
e. I prioritize spending time with my wife over anything else
f. I am not ashamed to discuss my past behaviors and fears with her
g. I trust her with deep secrets
h. I share my hopes and dreams with her
i. I have a passionate sex life with her
6. I express my thoughts and ideas to others
a. I share my honest thoughts
b. I am not afraid of what others might think
c. I listen to feedback and accept what is well intentioned
d. I write down thoughts and ideas to be shared when not able to discuss in moment
e. I offer opinions/thoughts in a respectful way
f. I am proud of myself for having a unique and original voice
g. I practice speaking out load difficult thoughts
7. I have courage to confront difficult people and situations
a. I believe in myself and I am confident
b. I speak only the truth
c. I respect my opinions
d. I respect the thoughts and opinions of others
e. I remove myself from dangerous situations
f. I remain calm and do not panic when confronted
g. I say no when I don’t want something
8. I have boundaries around my values so that I live a healthy and balanced life.
a. I respect the bodies and personal space of others
b. I respect my own body
c. I act as an adult in all situtions
d. I do not allow others to push me around
e. I ask permission before taking anything
f. I see life and situations in reality
g. I respect others as human and do not objectify them
9. I protect and keep my family safe
a. I put the needs of my wife and children first
b. I am unselfish
c. I watch my thought patterns and do not sexualize others
d. I focus on my recovery so I can be available to provide for my family
e. I check on my wife/kids’s emotions regularly
f. I focus on safety and security for my family
g. I advocate for my family
10. I live in reality but envision new possibilities and better outcomes
a. I recognize when I get sexual thoughts and push them out
b. I do not entertain fantasies
c. I analyze emotional reasons that can trigger the onset of fantasies
d. I allow myself to experience emotions
e. I use imagination for positive, achievable reasons to better my life
f. I work to not allow conversations in my head
g. I do not feel guilt/shame about random sexual thoughts
11. I am a loving parent that does the right thing for his children
a. I motivate and encourage my children
b. I love and nurture my children
c. I hold my kids accountable
d. I require my kids to be respectful
e. I have healthy boundaries between myself and the kids
f. I give to my kids generously but expect them to be unselfish
g. I teach good values to my kids
12. I eat well and exercise regularly
a. I eat a low fat, low sodium and low carb diet
b. I only use alcohol in moderation
c. I do not use drugs unless prescribed by a doctor
d. I avoid junk food and fast food
e. I eat healthy portions
f. I treat myself to sweets and treats on occasion
g. I exercise 3 plus times a week for 20 minutes or more
13. I show appreciation and gratitude to my wife and others
a. I thank my wife for her everyday contributions to us and the family
b. I recognize and compliment my wife on her special qualities and how she inspires me
c. I give her small tokens of appreciation on a regular basis to demonstrate my love and affection
d. I am polite and thank others on a regular basis
e. I reflect what I am grateful for on a daily basis
14. I live up to my commitments
a. I only promise what I know that I can deliver
b. I say no to what I don’t want or can’t do
c. I follow up on my commitments to make sure I have completed them
d. I ask others for feedback to make sure I am following up
15. I reward myself in healthy ways
a. I recognize that fun is a valuable and integral part of life
b. I seek out healthy activities, e.g. movies, reading that provide pleasure after work
c. I strive to maintain work/life balance
d. I enjoy desserts once or twice a week
e. I update myself on news stories 2-3 times per day.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 7:41 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 12 – Unhealthy recovery patterns
• I need to reflect on each exercise for what I have learned – and internalize it.
• In the past my recovery came from my attempts to save my relationship. I understand and accept that I have a SA problem now and I am going to work with everything I have to recover.
• I used to rationalize and justify my behavior before – all guys do it.
• I attempt to prove my sincerity to my wife by making promises and voicing ideas rather than through actions.
• I focus on controlling past behavior rather than learning new behavior
• I measure success through abstinence rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction
• I hyper analyze feelings, actions and thoughts


Last edited by fullheartcantlose on Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 7:42 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 13 – Healthy Recovery patterns
• I experience lots of negative emotions – anxiety, sadness and hopelessness
• I occasionally test trigger situations
• I have sought understanding in all areas of my life
• I can be needy and pathetic
• I am motivated by a life that I can be proud of
• I identify my future as a healthy person who once used addition
• I voluntarily made decisions to remove destructive items from my life


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:34 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 15 Reflections
Absolute Honesty. The only way to recover is to get all of the secrets that cause guilt and shame out and into the open. Talk with the person you trust about what you do or did that causes the guilt/shame feelings.

I am actively thinking about my values every day and keep them in forefront of my mind wherever I go. I am learning a lot about my thought patterns and ingrained habits.

I am the only person who can make the change in my life that I want. It will require me to be honest and vulnerable.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:39 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 16 Reflections - Positive Role of Addiction

My addiction has enabled me to experience stress relief and emotions management. It allowed me to relieve uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, anger, boredom, sadness. I engaged in a lot of fantasy which was useful for self-exploration, although I never came close to achieving what I wanted. I used fantasy to play out conversations and think through topics and provide social comfort.


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