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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 1:43 pm 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
1) actively committing yourself to change
I feel committed to change. It's how active I am that is the question. It's been over two months since disclosure and I'm only just here. I'm in therapy, read a book and a good chunk of the internet. Committed yes, motivated could do better.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Yet to be fully explored but generally I don't expect this to be a problem. There is guilt there and I think I'll feel some shame when meeting some people the wife has confided in.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
I want to be prepared to deal with fending off slips and relapses asap and I have some things in place.
I think the wife will be keen in seeing progress but I'm captain slow.

B: list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.
1. To be able to look honestly into my wife's eyes for the first time.
2. To regain control of me.
3. To live a decent life.
4. To use the same energies my addiction took on my wife as it was she that was robbed of them.
5. To have a clearer mind.
6. To regain some emotions.
7. So not to lose my wife.
8. To be free.
9. To have more time for positive things.
10. More gumption to learn new things.
11. To have a wider focus at work.
12. Fully enjoy my hobbies. Make a proper project and carry it out.
13. Find empathy and apply it to my family and friends. Grow as a person.
14. To think to the future with hope and purpose.
15. To be able to live an unguarded life without secrets and the fear of discovery.

C:
I found that looking at the smiling face of my 3 year old self a powerful exercise. I'm not one for crying as that would be self pity. Still it brought up feelings of sadness that that little mite would lose his way.

[Edit] spellings


Last edited by Spanner on Mon Jan 23, 2017 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 2:41 pm 
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Change is always possible.


Last edited by georgel on Fri Jan 20, 2017 11:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 3:01 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Hello Spanner
and welcome to RN

Quote:
I feel committed to change. It's how active I am that is the question. It's been over two months since disclosure and I'm only just here. I'm in therapy, read a book and a good chunk of the internet. Committed yes, motivated could do better.

feeling committed is not enough
recovery is not easy, in particular in the early stages, however believe me it is worth it
RN will guide you but you and you alone need to drive your recovery, it is your life , you get to choose how you live it
in addiction we believe that we have no choice but that is not the case
we choose to act out, we choose to use addiction as a coping mechanism
we can choose recovery
the community is there for you but only if you are thre for yourself
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:11 pm 
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Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 2: creating a vision

Firstly I will become a human being. A fully functional mature adult with clarity of thought, emotions. Empathy.
I will apply these skills to my life's primary focus... My wife.
I will make good the deficiencies of my past.
I will love her fully and with devotion and a daily act of kindness. A kiss. A cuddle. A gift.
I will be grateful for her love every day.
My past actions have caused her pain. I will be mindful that my future actions do not.
I will learn to make love. Full rich attentive caring intimacy.
I will make happy times and memories. I'll proactivity plan these rather than wait for her to suggest things.
I will hold her in my mind as an equal partner.
I will listen to her hopes and dreams and help make them come to be.
Another area of focus is the family, to be there when needed. To maintain the rich bond with my grandchildren.
Beer making will provide a rewarding hobby with scope to develop both a depth of knowledge and skills.
I will put my career in balance. Think more about personal development and getting the work life balance right.

[Edit] spellings.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 1:07 pm 
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Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Thanks for taking time to reply Kenzo.
I know the only person that can fix me is me.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 3:
1. Acting honesty
2. Living with integrity
3. Living with compassion
4. Being mature
5. Being emotionally mature
6. Being sexually mature
7. Loving another unconditionally [Duplicated]
8. Insightful thinking
9. Loving another person unconditionally
10. Kindness
11. Being grateful for life
12. Being generous
13. Strengthening my role as a husband
14. Being loved
15. Being an attentive lover
16. Being organised
17. Being proactive
18. Being assertive
19. Being confident
20. Being able to listen to another
21. Selflessness
22. Strengthening my role as a father
23. Strengthening my role as a grandfather
24. Strengthening my role as a son.
25. Being creative
26. Being tenacious completing brewing projects.
27. Developing an intellectual depth
28. Being studious
29. Being respected as a professional by colleagues
30. Providing quality in my work
31. Being reliable
32. Having a sense of humour
33. Being humble
34. To be a comfort to others
35. To be comforted by another
36. To value the worth of another human being
37. Personal growth and development
38. Sense of accomplishment
39. Appreciating others
40. Feeling appreciated
41. To be in tune with one’s own feelings
42. Appreciating the beauty of nature
43. Walking the same path as equals
44. Being resourceful
45. Taking care of myself
46. Communicating feelings
47. Being true to myself
48. Finically stable
49. Having fun
50. Being punctual
51. Self drive

1. Selfishness
2. Dishonesty
3. Mean spirited
4. Manipulative
5. Cold and uncaring towards others
6. Being a bully
7. Unloving
8. Hurtful
9. Coward
10. Unable to commit to the future
11. Lazy
12. Fear of failure
13. Lack of self confidence
14. Lack of self esteem
15. Degrading the fairer sex
16. Immorality
17. Perverse
18. Disconnected from life
19. Lack of motivation
20. Exploitation of others

[edit] Oddly I found it hard to conjure up positive values but had no problem listing the negative ones.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2017 3:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 4: Roughly ordered list of values...
1. Loving another person unconditionally
2. Strengthening my role as a husband
3. Walking the same path as equals
4. Being loved
5. Being an attentive lover
6. Being able to listen to another
7. Selflessness
8. Having a sense of humour
9. Acting honesty
10. Being proactive
11. Being creative
12. To value the worth of another human being
13. Strengthening my role as a father
14. Strengthening my role as a grandfather
15. Strengthening my role as a son.
16. Communicating feelings
17. Being sexually mature
18. Finically stable
19. Personal growth and development
20. Providing quality in my work
21. Being reliable
22. Being humble
23. Living with integrity
24. Living with compassion
25. Being emotionally mature
26. Being organised
27. Being mature
28. To be in tune with one’s own feelings
29. Taking care of myself
30. Being grateful for life
31. Appreciating the beauty of nature
32. Insightful thinking
33. Being true to myself
34. Having fun
35. Being punctual
36. Kindness
37. Being studious
38. Being generous
39. Being assertive
40. Being confident
41. Being respected as a professional by colleagues
42. Being resourceful
43. Developing an intellectual depth
44. Being tenacious completing brewing projects.
45. To be a comfort to others
46. To be comforted by another
47. Sense of accomplishment
48. Appreciating others
49. Feeling appreciated
50. Self-drive


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:23 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 5
1. Loving another person, my wife, unconditionally
2. Strengthening my role as a husband
3. Walking the same path as equals
4. Being sexually mature
5. Having a sense of humour
6. Acting honesty
7. Being proactive
8. Being creative
9. Strengthening my role as a father
10. Strengthening my role as a grandfather
11. Strengthening my role as a son.
12. Personal growth and development
13. Providing quality in my work
14. Taking care of myself
15. Communicating feelings

I think these stand up.
[Edit] added title.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:12 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 6: Proactive Action Plan I

11. Strengthening my role as a son.
a. Call or visit Mum and Dad once a week.
b. Text Mum mid-week in addition to this.
c. Look to take Dad to the forest at least every other week.
d. Ask after their well-being.
e. Find out more about, and show an interest in, their day-to-day life.
f. Ask if there they need help with chores or shopping and find the time to help.
13. Providing quality in my work
a. Be more mindful of the work being asked to complete.
b. Clearly communicate requests for information needed to complete.
c. Keep a log of activities in OneNote.
d. Escalate issues to team leader for awareness and advice.
e. Complete the bi-weekly report to TL.
14. Taking care of myself
a. Limit mid-week alcohol to one drink per night and one dry day a week.
b. Eat a piece of fruit instead of sweet snacks twice a week.
c. Cook from scratch at least two meals a week.
d. Do sit-ups and press-ups morning and night. Increasing reps with time.
e. Do at least one major work out a week. Look to increase to two if time allows.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 11:13 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Spanner
Quote:
Oddly I found it hard to conjure up positive values but had no problem listing the negative ones.


that is normal, why because these have been dear to us they have been our coping mechanisms

recovery will change that, but recovery takes time effort and some pain
hope that you get through these and achieve your aim
your destiny is in your own hands

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 5:43 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Not really done much on the recovery nation for myself last week.
What I have done was to read the lesson on total honesty, my next step anyway, and the two missing lessons which were moved to the couple recovery forum. The wife needed something from me.
It was a real battle of maturity. I seem to have two modes... Child mode that is self centred (bubble) and adult mode which is where I need to be to work through recovery and has been hard to maintain. A good bit of interegation from the missus and I'm back in childish defensive more. As such I asked for a week to empty-the-clip. To document all my acting out history, behaviour, genre of porn looked at and why... Etc.
It was not easy as I was only just mature enough to get through the block I seem to have in voluntarily remembering things. Nothing much added to what she had dragged out of me virbally over many sessions.
Some good communication. It was not quite what the wife was expecting our wanted. More emotions but I'll do that soon.
Still very early days and I'm not taking anything for granted, but this was a very positive step for our relationship as well as for myself. I've already since freely and openly share information that had popped into my mind which I just would not have done beforehand.
Warning! Thinking this hard about your favourite porn and activities is quite a test to your resolve. I felt the buzz you get whilst acting out. I found myself dwelling on thoughts of the intensity. Doing this just before bed was a risk but I stopped and did some thing else for an hour. Seemed to have managed that well.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 8:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 7: Building Proactive Action Plans II

1. Loving another person, my wife, unconditionally
a. Fully understand the impact of my actions from her view point. Key word: FULLY
b. See Communicating feelings. 15.
c. Follow as fully as the partnership recovery allows the Your Brain On Porn’s: The lazy way to stay in love. http://yourbrainonporn.com/the-lazy-way-to-stay-in-love
d. Read at least weekly the commitments letter to wife and feed this into proactive plans.
2. Strengthening my role as a husband
I see this as the main value which I need to realign my life, thus many of the other new values are part of this bigger picture.
a. Loving unconditionally 1.
b. See Acting honestly 6.
c. See Being sexually mature. 4.
d. See Walking as equals. 3.
3. Walking the same path as equals
a. Reduce selfishness
i. Continue working Recovery Nation to develop the awareness and skills.
b. Address superior attitude
i. Remind yourself how arrogant you have been
ii. Your wife is intelligent
iii. Her EQ is far superior so you have some catching up to become her equal.
c. Balance the Work load. Continue as you are but keep mindful to learn more about the running of the house and proactively do things.
4. Being sexually mature
a. View Wife as a human and not a sex object for my gratification. No groping.
b. Encourage, gently, the partnership recovery but back off if you sense she is under pressure.
c. Speak openly about sexual desires and listen to/heed the wife’s.
d. Make love. Understand the depth carried by those two words.
e. Be silly only on occasions and not when things are starting to get serious.
f. Gratitude. Be grateful for what you get and not resentful for what you think you’re not getting.
g. Empathy. Understand her mood and life at the time. Communicate warmly before and after the event.
5. Having a sense of humour
a. Maintain this when appropriate.
b. Don’t ask the fool around the wife at home for now. Get yourself sorted in her eyes first.
6. Acting honestly
a. Maintain honesty with the outside world.
b. But no more bullshit with the wife. No deception.
7. Being proactive
a. Think about and instigate the nice things in life.
b. See it, do it! Get jobs done.
c. Use this tool to manage life in general.
8. Being creative
a. Have a project where you can create something for fun. Electronics, coding, beer or cooking.
b. Linked to proactive, be creative with the planning of nice things. Thinks need to be novel and high quality.
9. Strengthening my role as a father
a. Ensure there is some form of weekly contact with my son.
b. Think about options to help them financially.
c. Show interest in and encouragement for son’s music projects (maintenance).
d. Show more interest in both their lives and talk to them more about it.
10. Strengthening my role as a grandfather
a. Pay some one-to-one attention to each grandchild each visit.
b. Add educational/life skills content
c. Show them the love I have for them (maintenance).
d. Be fun and a little silly.
11. Strengthening my role as a son.
a. Call or visit Mum and Dad once a week.
b. Text Mum mid-week in addition to this.
c. Look to take Dad to the forest at least every other week.
d. Ask after their well-being.
e. find out more about, and show an interest in, their day-to-day life.
f. Ask if there they need help with chores or shopping and find the time to help.
12. Personal growth and development
a. Maintain focus on recovery
b. Plan a timetable of activities and stick with it.
c. Think longer term to what to study
13. Providing quality in my work
a. Be more mindful of the work being asked to complete.
b. Clearly communicate requests for information needed to complete.
c. Keep a log of activities in OneNote.
d. Escalate issues to team leader for awareness and advice.
e. Complete the bi-weekly report to TL.
14. Taking care of myself
a. Limit mid-week alcohol to one drink per night and one dry day a week.
b. Eat a piece of fruit instead of sweet snacks twice a week.
c. Cook from scratch at least two meals a week.
d. Do sit-ups and press-ups morning and night. Increasing reps with time.
e. Do at least one major work out a week. Look to increase to two if time allows.
15. Communicating feelings
a. Open up more to wife. Include feelings and emotions within the conversation.
b. Listen for emotional content in conversations of others and respond empathically.
c. Look at body language of others with a mind to understand their emotional stare.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 8:29 am 
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Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 10:
I'm 4 months sober so all this sort of stuff has stopped.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior.
Never was one for keeping stuff anyway. Risk of discovery.
I have nothing stashed.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object.
Not my thing. Never involved "real" people.

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.
Just home (when I did act out).


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:40 pm 
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Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery.

None of the above. Okay this is my first and hopefully only pass at recovery but I don't identify with any of those characteristics.

The primary driving force for recovery is from me. There is a strong reason not to reoffend as this would be catastrophic for the relationship. I see this pressure as a good thing. Failure is not an option.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 6:59 pm 
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Posts: 75
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Lesson Thirteen Healthy Recovery Patterns

Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"
In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
I know I want to rebuild my life with the wife and that failure to recover is not an option. I certainly do not know how to change yet but am getting more confident that rn is going to be able to guide me to health. I've had the odd low moment and the odd crisis of confidence but I'll not let doubts creep in.

In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
I'll not allow myself any self pity. There have been difficult moments. Not sleeping as my heart was pounding in the early days of disclosure. I guess I felt fear at the risk of being homeless and losing my marriage. Either of those would have changed things. Of late, I feel positive, buoyant.

In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.
I've never tried to recover before. Stop, yes. Many times but always unaided and always a failure. I had stopped a month before D-day and for me this was quite a strong quit although it still didn't cross my mind to seek help. Therapy started shortly after D-day and now I've committed myself to RN. I'm in at the deep end with no armbands.

In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves.
I'm unsure of my triggers. I'm sort of keen to find them. They need to be understood and analysed for emotions etc. But equally I do not want to test myself to distruction. Closest I think I've come to bring triggered was when thinking hard about past actions and actually writing down what I got out of what I did.

In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life.
I am relieved. I've had the odd period of being over enthusiast only for motivation to crash afterwards. Knowledge will come when it comes.

In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
I do not want to bullshit anyone, especially myself. No false promises or hopes. Slow and steady.

In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
Powerless to control ones urges? At the moment should I be sorely tested then I would define that with being helpless and I would be feeling despairate. Got some learning to do... Good!

In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".
Pathetic, a bit. A bit lost at the very start but not needy. The wife was too devistated or angry or cold or helpful to allow that.
[Update 5/Mar] no bullshit right? Who am I kidding? I'm needy. Had a few ups and downs of late and in the downs I can see I'm all of the above.

Middle Recovery : "Actual Recovery"
They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
I realise this. It makes perfect sense. I'm sure my realisation will deepen over time.

Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
Again, no bullshit. I'm not after any sense of illusion. I have to make this up to my wife. I'm on the right path at least.

They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
Honesty has kicked in. I've woken up to the consequences of my past actions which has lead to some unselfish and possibly personally harmful decisions being made. Surprising for an addict.

They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
Yes I am. Well I have some controls in place and still think ending behavioural patterns is a key goal. It seems to be the focus for traditional therapy but I understand the gist of this site even if I'm yet to do the exercises that will give be the better understanding.

They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.
I can see the thinking.

Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
An opportunity to learn what makes you tick but still concerned to have to face one at this point.

They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
I hope managed to catch myself before this happens. I would need to learn how to live on my own if I it didn't.

They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
Still not sure if feelings are the issue.

They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
I'm the latter for now.

They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").
Not yet.

They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
Already done. With obstacles where I'll have to choose to not recover to break down.

They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others — especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.
This is fully to come. Have felt this with the wife but there are others I need to make it up to.

Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partners fully — as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).
I've had some words of encouragement that fit here which is good I think at this stage. It is still sad the wife has to be here at all. Looking like a way to go and I'll not be complacent.

Late Recovery : "From Recovery to Health"
I'll make some form of response to the below but this level of thinking it's for the future.

They have complete confidence in their ability to manage their life and are moving forward with their dreams in a rational, planned manner.
Not there yet!

They no longer avoid "trigger situations" as they have developed the skills necessary to make confident, healthy choices in just about any situation they may face.
Not there yet either.

They tend to see their past as something rather unbelievable. They are sometimes able to achieve distant emotional connections with those behaviors, but can no longer visualize a situation where the pleasure they once achieved would be worth the risk of all they would lose inside themselves. Except at this stage, those thoughts are actually felt, rather than intellectualized. They will not be able to comprehend a situation where such a risk would ever be taken.
They have developed the ability to produce the same emotional stimulation from value-based actions as they once derived solely from impulse-based actions.
It was truly unbelievable.

They will have eliminated all previous connections to their recovery, except that which will be included in their ongoing plan for a continuing evaluation and assessment of their life. They will no longer associate themselves with addiction, but with health.
Looking forward to that.

Significant others tend to experience people who have made this transition with greater respect and admiration then they ever had previously for the person. Additionally, trust and closeness in the relationship will take on a very real quality. One that has never actually been present previously — only assumed. The partner's believing in the "recovery" will no longer be a matter of crossing their fingers and hoping, but of having no doubt.
This is worth working for.


Last edited by Spanner on Sun Mar 05, 2017 12:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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