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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 5:57 pm 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
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Lesson 40 Exercise:
I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.

In order to help promote trust the wife is looking for me to be accountable. I can help by not using the pc after she has gone to bed and look to retire at the same time.
Quote:
II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.

I could do nothing. Better would be stop the violation. Best, as I am in an era of open honesty would be to come clean and discuss the issue.
Quote:
III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.

Apologetically ask her to explain her feelings as how I might correct the wrong.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 10:26 am 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Gosh! It's been a while since I have posted or worked on any RN.
I have been away camping with the wife last week which really was make or break for our relationship.
The missus has been pleading for/needing me to start to be more open and honest for the last few months.
I have had area incremental improvements in attitude on this front but still there seemed to be a barrier. I was spending a lot of time thinking about the wife and trying to get to a point where it felt natural to be open. I'd promised I'd do this back in May on a family holiday but totally ignored her emotionally. Civil but no depth of feeling. After hours of soul searching I was still not able to open up. I was making a big thing over this and trying to figure out how I should act to repair some of the good will between us. I was struggling with holding the wife in the right light. I had in the past much more sympathetic mindset, especially straight after my disclosure caused her so much trauma. Then it was blatantly obvious I had a duty of care to help fix this poor woman from the wrongs I'd caused. No matter how much intellectual effort I spent I was not getting anywhere.
The wife was struggling with the idea of being alone with me for a week, not convinced by my reassurances. Which she'd heard all before. Luckily, for me, she agreed to come, which speaks volumes about her quantities. Again with her help we spoke in depth on a number of things related to my SA. What she was looking for was some sign that I understood what she was feeling and what I was going to do to make good.
Now I think we're in a phase where we can make progress again. Personally I'm in a very positive mood and motivation to continue my recovery has returned, along with an understanding of the need to also work on our relationship.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 76
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Monday camping with the wife. Sitting together in the sun having hot dogs for breakfast. Relaxing and it was a good feeling to be on such amicable terms.
Weekend looking after grandchildren. Giving time to play with each of them was rewarding. Also doing my share of the sundry chores.
Played a few good games of badminton. Good physical boost.
Plenty of good cuddles, hand holding and the occasional kiss.
Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
Bit of frustration with work. Lengthy meetings where nothing was achieved.
Wife has been a bit fragile this week caused by an honesty wobble from me.
Just said the wrong thing today. Basically demanding trust. Wrong! It has to be earnt.
Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Friday was partially painful at work but I dealt with most of the crap o in good humour.
I've been mindful of how I've spoken to the wife this week. Tried not to raise my voice. Not 100% perfect but generally under control.
Absolutely no acting out or any urge to.
Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
May be out at the weekend so need to be mindful not to drink too much.
Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father,, grandfather and son this week.
Good.
Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Okay. Need to restart sit-ups and press-ups.
Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Yes.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
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Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.

I completed some technical work this week which I was proud of.
Good talks with the wife. Difficult at times but rewarding. Shows I'm developing/changing my attitude.
Playing with the grandchildren. Attempted to teach the eldest something which whilst unsuccessful it was still rewarding to have tried.
Played a few good games of badminton. Good physical boost.
Plenty of good cuddles, hand holding and the occasional kiss.
Quote:
Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?

Spent some time cooking and looking after the wife. This ended with an argument over some funny look I was meant to have had. Ended feeling sorry for myself and said a few immature things. Which I then thought through and apologised for.
Quote:
Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?

Despite the lack of expected value from the other day this does not trigger any compulsive behaviours. Instead I picked up my book and read for a good long while.
Quote:
Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.

May be out at the weekend so need to be mindful not to drink too much. (again :p)
A few things at work to be done and training to prepare for. So looking to be a busy one.
Quote:
Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father,, grandfather and son this week.

Okay.
Quote:
Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?

Okay. Started sit-ups and press-ups. already skipped one session.
Quote:
Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?

Yes. Bought the wife something nice she wanted/needed.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 6:17 pm 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
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Exercise 44
For a moment, imagine your life apart from your physical being...apart from your possessions...apart from your friends, your family and every other living being. What you are left with is your core identity. It is who you are. It is this identity that then allows you to relate to your physical self, your friends, your family... As you know by now, part of the role you must fulfill in transitioning away from addiction is to rebuild your core identity. This core identity — and your ability to isolate the addiction from it — is critical to urge control.
A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.
B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.
C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

A. My core identity, me, is there to orchestrate the meaning I'll get from life. As I continue to develop and ingrain new healthy core values and boundaries the these will be used by my core identity to generate possitive value.
B. As I start/continue to replace emotional based decisions and experience fulfillment from value based decisions, I will further see the value/ possitive reward from such behaviour. Which in turn will re-enforce, ingrain, those values.
C. I have managed to speak with my deeper self. Many of my core decisions/boundaries have come from free thinking at this level. Thus I know there are absolutely solid. For example, originally, after D-DAY, I'd set myself a goal of 6 month's abstinence from masturbation. Then I planned to review if I felt I could masturbate in a healthy way. But before this deadline I did some soul-searching and concluded that masturbation has no place in my life. The only sex I will pursue will be as a byproduct of loving the wife. If and when that should happen.
Not answering the main point. Not acting out so not asking my core identity to process emotional based experiences. These quick wins would pollute my core driving out my healthy values.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:39 pm 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Last week was not a good one.
Odd bit of cooking, badminton. Some rewarding tasks completed at work.
Good few RN sessions at the start of the week. This does have a positive effect on your emotions.
Shopping for my dad's birthday present and taking daughter and grandsons for a drink. Nice as I don't normally have the opportunity.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
DIY that took longer than it should and I'm not satisfied with the results.
Yesterday I spoke inappropriately to the wife. This was disappointing. Shows that there's a long way to go yet.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Getting a bit stroppy at work this week. Was in a bit of a mood one day.
Not as mature as I should have been. Especially last night.
Still absolutely no acting out or any urge to.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Camping at the weekend. Should offer some relaxation.
Training at work may be hard work and I always panic a little when faced to have to learn under pressure.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father,grandfather and son this week.
Mixed. Trying but let myself down with the husband bit.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Okay. Still need to get sit-ups and press-ups back in the daily routine.

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Yes.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 4:40 pm 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
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Lesson 45 Exercise:
I. Identifying the impact of emotions in compulsive urges is essential to objectifying that urge. In previous exercises, you have identified compulsive rituals that presented a linear look at your emotional state across a single action. In this lesson, you are being asked to isolate those emotional elements to the point where action can be taken that will break the chain itself.
A. Map a compulsive ritual that is based on your unique behavior. Ensure that you identify at least five elements that are involved in stimulating your emotions during this act. If you would like, use the following worksheet to help you: Mapping a Compulsive Ritual


Compulsive chain: Masturbation to Porn
#1 Healthy Web Browsing
Neutral moving to boredom.

#2 Look at red carpet images.
Anxiety, suspense, anticipation. Mild comfort.

#3 Start looking for breasts and nipple protruding through fabric or "accidental" see-through shots.
Success, achievement. Pleasure. Arousal.

#4 Switch to searching for nipples.
Building excitement, reward, concern about being discovered.

#5 Start to masturbate
Comfort, relief, excitement, worry

#6 Set myself a task to see hardcore images from this softcore search.
Excitement, anticipation, comfort.

#7 Once found, move on to surfing for those.
Control, comfort, excitement, worry

#8 Edge masturbation.
Extreme comfort. Control.

#9 End session. Shut down PC, tidy/clean up, cover tracks etc. Return to "normal" activities.
Concern, guilt, achievement, control, comfort.

Quote:
C. At what point in the chain is the 'point of no return'? The point where you know that you will be completing the act. Share this in your recovery thread. In the previous exercise, you were to reinforce your ability to identify separate emotional elements in a single compulsive ritual. Here, you will begin to isolate those emotions from your core identity.

#5 Start to masturbate
Once a certain amount of of excitement and anticipation has been generated I would then start to masturbate from then it was very difficult to stop. I would rarely try but completion of the ritual would be nagging on your mind.
Quote:
D. Consider the element identified just prior to 'the point of no return'. This is the element that you will want to isolate and use as your primary trigger for breaking a compulsive urge. Eventually, you can isolate multiple elements, and thus create multiple points where a compulsive event can be effectively stopped, but for now we will focus solely on this one element.

#4 Switch to searching for nipples.
The act of searching for erotic images is a good point to create a break. Coming across an image fine if viewed in a mature manner but if not then any urge to find more needs to stop. The deliberate act of opening a browser to search for unhealthy stimulus is not allowed. A boundary is needed. I have an agreement with the wife that I would never use the privacy mode of a browser. Browsing openly has helped me from slipping and looking for softer images which would only start to add pressure on looking for stronger images. I also ask myself, "Why are you searching?". That honest conversation with yourself.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 5:16 pm 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
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Lesson 46 Exercise:
This next step in urge control is quite simple. It is the transition in thinking from the identification of a time where action can be taken, to the realization that action will be taken. It is the realization that you are in control over whether you continue engaging in your established compulsive ritual, or whether you engage in alternate behavior that will establish new chains — preferably, ones based on values.
A. In the long run, addiction is eliminated by altering the existing compulsive behavior (destructive, based on immediate emotional needs) to more stable, constructive chains that solidify the foundation of your life in a progressive manner. Before such compulsive chains can be reversed, it is necessary to begin mastering the ability to reverse single compulsive rituals. Begin this process now by considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceeding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response. Share this in your recovery thread.

The element just prior to the point of no return would be whilst browsing for porn but at the start of element before getting too aroused. Here, upon initial stimulation from the imagery I would now consider my values and boundaries.
In fact, I would not get this far as the same processing would happen to the softer images. I have a boundary to avoid unhealthy stimuli. In respect to my wife, knowing that such a slip would cause huge pain I would immediately get a grip and stop such browsing.

Looking at the Compulsive chain: Masturbation to Porn
#1 Healthy Web Browsing
Nothing to worry about yet.

#2 Look at red carpet images.
First step that spells danger. Innocent for some but for me I know where this will lead and it's a part of the build up (ritual). To stay healthy you must avoid unhealthy stimuli. Thus I question myself when doing any casual browsing as to the purpose (a quick chat with my core identity).
Why would I want to do this? I'm not masturbating and am not yet back on intimate terms with the wife. What point would such sexual simulation serve? Only to torture myself and weaken my resolve. So make a healthy choice and stop. Also give yourself a good telling off.

#3 Start looking for breasts and nipple protruding through fabric or "accidental" see-through shots.
Shouldn't ever get this far. This is verboten so is bloody near a slip. Failsafe repeat of the boundaries above.

#4 Switch to searching for nipples.
This is a slip. To actively look for porn. Not happened. Not happening.

#5 Start to masturbate


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:09 am 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
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Lesson 47 Exercise:
1. Just as you have with your values and your emotions, it is time to transfer the knowledge that you are developing to a practical application in your day-to-day life. This cannot be done without first developing an awareness of the times when such information is applicable. Over the next 48 hours, envision at least ten different REALISTIC scenarios where you may encounter a compulsive urge in the future and documetn these in your recovery thread.
2. With each scenario:
Identify how you would know when that urge/ritual would likely begin, when the likely 'point of no return' would be and when you would 'create the break'. Do this in your head.
Anticipate the emotions associated with that particular ritual, isolate those emotions from your 'core identity' and prepare yourself to make a values-based decision (versus an emotions-based decision). Do this in your head.
Choose one such scenario and document it in your recovery thread.
If you are in coaching, you will be asked to review several of these to make sure that you understand the concepts involved. If you are not in coaching, feel free to post additional scenarios for review.

Just not been getting urges so no real experience to go on. I'll think of some likely scenarios based on opportunity.
#1 at home when left alone. In recent years this has been the place. Comfortable, easy and safe.
#2 at work when last in the office. Used to be my most available opportunity at the time. Now I think my boundary of decency would stop any thing here.
#3 watching tv if something sexy came on. It's not what you look at, it's why you look at it. My improving maturity helps here.
#4 in the garage, in quite moments whilst doing DIY etc.
#5 in the bath. Used to be a place where I might start a cycle.
#6 whilst out in the evening under the influence. This is where I tend to revert to immature.
#7 staying away on business. I don't travel now but this used to be frequent. Even when I tried to suppress acting out after a few days I would wake up masturbating. Of all this list this the only one that worries me. Privacy of home with the risk of discovery removed.
#8 whilst camping. Opportunity for an urge due to the opportunity in the shower to masturbate.
#9 whilst on the pc browsing. Easy to dip into inappropriate content and trigger the desire for further activities.
#10 in the loo anywhere if there is time.

Therefore taking #7 to detail.
Urge would likely to start soon after the business need was established. Allowing tension and anticipation to build.
Break at the start to head off any planning. Also need to plan for a last minute urge when there. Break here again at the initial thought. The value based decision would be to remind myself that I loved my wife and that there is no real lasting value in acting out. Better to think of and plan something nice for the wife.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 1:30 am 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Lots of training at work which when I got in to it was rewarding.
Odd bit of cooking, badminton.
Camping at the weekend. Good bit of looking after the wife when she needed it.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
The training did mess up the week's schedule and there was pressure to get finished early on Friday.
Sorting out a puncture on my dad's scooter. Turned out to be a double one and a little fiddley but main stress came from finding the time.
Camping was not free from me acting without respect. Being selfish and arrogant. Alcohol just seems to remove my focus.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Annoyed with some of the training but kept that in check.
The whole puncture thing was frustrating but ultimately rewarding.
No need act out.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Work is going to be a pain this week.
Nothing else of significance

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father,grandfather and son this week.
On balance, good. Still not perfect.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Okay. Just seemed to have lost the connection with doing the exercise.

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Sure did.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 3:58 pm 
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Lesson 50 Exercise:
Once you have applied effective urge control — once you have identified the emotional elements of a compulsive urge, isolated the element that exists just prior to the 'point of no return' and put yourself in a position to make a rational decision in what was once a compulsive moment — the next step is to make the decision and accept the consequences for whatever decision you make.

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?
D. Document your thoughts in your recovery manager.


A: having made a healthy decision I would gained reward from those healthy values I've upheld. Honesty, integrity. Not letting the wife down. Not letting myself down. The negative consequences would be the sense of lost opportunity to ease my emotional state. Score a quick hit of pleasure. That may add pressure on the next decision to take the path of least resistance.
B: possitive consequences would be the rush of the activity and the release. The negative consequences would be massive. Failure to uphold an absolute boundary not to act out. The devastating impact this would have on the wife and our relationship.
C: making a healthy decision will build confidence that I can manage urges and improve the strength of the upheld values.
The consequences of allowing myself to succumb to a compulsive urge would be dire. My self confidence would be all but destroyed. The guilt would enormous. End of the day I would still want shot of the sex addiction so I would dust myself down and restart but on very much more fragile footings and most likely on my own with my current world gone.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 4:33 pm 
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Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Out with the wife this weekend was rewarding. After seeing the grandchildren we spontaneously we went to the cinema. I'd prepared food for our return. The following day we went shopping and visited and pretty town where we had a nice meal. There is genuine pleasure from being selfless and just giving.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
Work was a pain. Friday being particularly stressful.
Wife's been fragile this week. Came to a head on Friday where my lack of communication skills hurt her feelings. My inability to explain what I meant added to my frustration.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
I was as emotionally frustrated as I have been of late on Friday. I was less than mature under the pressure of the emotions yet no urge to manage this unhealthy. I managed to calm down by taking my son and grandson out for food.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Nothing that I can't cope with.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father, grandfather and son this week.
After very shaky start I was able to use my new maturity to make the weekend enjoyable.
Helped Mum and Dad. And spent quality time with grandchildren, daughter and son. Bingo!

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Okay. Made a tentative re-connection with doing the exercise.

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Tried and failed. Good reactive work that may have appeared proactive. :p


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 2:46 pm 
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Lesson 51 Exercise:
To make a healthy decision — to master the skill of making healthy decisions — you must gain confidence in quickly and accurately identifying what options are available in any given situation, recognize the consequences of those actions, and ultimately, trusting yourself to choose the option best suited to promoting your values.
Share the following in your thread:

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)

B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:
i. You make the decision to act on this option
ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret


Compulsive chain: Masturbation to Porn
#1 Healthy Web Browsing
#2 Look at red carpet images.
#3 Start looking for breasts and nipple protruding through fabric or "accidental" see-through shots.
#4 Switch to searching for nipples.
#5 Start to masturbate
#6 Set myself a task to see hardcore images from this softcore search.
#7 Once found, move on to surfing for those.
#8 Edge masturbation.
#9 End session. Shut down PC, tidy/clean up, cover tracks etc. Return to "normal" activities.

A: the transition from #2 to #3 is were the questions need to be asked.
.1 quit the current browsing knowing where this is going.
.2 continue browsing Red Carpet level images but quit after a while.
.3 progress from RC images to porn and complete ritual.

B: if case of a boundary conflict always filter on the negative.
.1 valid option. Boundary preserved - Avoid unhealthy stimuli.
.2 invalid option. Violates boundary: doing something I would be uncomfortable talking to my wife about.
.3 invalid option. Violates absolute boundary: no acting out. Masturbation or porn.

C:
.2.i innocent enough. Ask myself why am I looking? Historic prelude to acting out. Guilt as the wife would not like me looking.
.2.ii I would hope that I would question the option to start browsing the Red Carpet. But if I find myself clicking on such a link and quitting immediately then... pride at upholding values and taking the only healthy option. No anxiety expected.
.2.iii guilt. Embarrassment of having to explain why I was viewing a known trigger subject. Shame of letting the wife down.
.2 iv guilt. Still not healthy subject matter. Relief that the browsing didn't lead on.
.3.i likely to trigger the point of no return. Major violation of absolute boundary. massive guilt. Disappointment. Loss of self-confidence.
.3.ii anxiety that I came this close to a slip. relief. Gratitude my training held up at the time of need. Anxiety from not acting out
.3.iii major loss of trust with the wife. Risk of total loss of relationship, home ect.
.3 iv same as above. My guilt for slipping would be to great to hide. Better to be honest with the wife and take the consequence for my actions.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:01 pm 
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Lesson 52 Exercise:
This exercise may be difficult for certain types of thinkers, so simply do your best.
Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial. For instance, certain Eastern practices where people can isolate the physical pain they are experiencing from their spiritual selves and thus, manage that pain with ease. And no, you can't use that as your example! There are thousands of such potential applications — albeit not as dramatic. Share this in your thread.
What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application. If you can't think of anything, say so in your thread and I will provide you with an example.

A medical emergency. A close family member is in urgent need for medical attention. You are feeling panicked, worried, concern, empathy etc, but to need to set these aside and keep a clear head to deal with the situation.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:07 am 
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Lesson 53 Exercise:
When it comes time to actually make the decision as to what action you are going to take next, it is not always easy to separate the healthy options from the destructive ones. The ones based on values versus the ones based on emotions. Often, these two areas overlap. This is where experience, time and a commitment to make what you believe to be the best choice at that time comes in.

A. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbation to be against your values — and therefore, a destructive act. Describe a situation where you would consider masturbating to be within your values — and therefore, a healthy act.

B. In your recovery thread, list other common value conflicts involving sexual and/or romantic behavior that you have found yourself engaged in? Or that you may find yourself engaged in, given your history.

Hint: think romantic relationships, fantasizing, etc.

A: currently masturbation is against my values. Before the end of the initial six month hiatus I came to the conclusion that giving myself pleasure was not what I wanted and that any such pleasure would come as a by-product of my key aim to build a healthy sexual relationship with the wife. Something that was corrupted by sex addiction in the past.
To answer the question: Any situation that there is an urge to masturbate. Like whilst viewing unhealthy material on the internet or even any moment when left alone with my genitals, where in the past when in an acting out phase, I would have masturbated.
I'm yet to do the intellectual thinking to separate healthy masturbation from sex addictive behaviour. Providing a medical sample is one situation if that is not a cop out. The other is it I was permantly separated from the wife, then perhaps non addictive sexual relief would be healthy.
B:
Healthy loving, sexual relationship between the wife and myself badly affected by my addiction.
Robing my family of time and energy that I spent on my activities than building a stronger bond with them.
My own core values were disregarded given some of the subject matter I viewed.


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