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PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 1:09 am 
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Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
On Wednesday as we were waking up we had a passionate kiss. This was a wonderful think. I appreciate the effort it took the wife.
This weekend lots of family and friends. Helping others.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
Wednesday!
Work was painfully stressful. And following that kiss I was emotionally all over the place.
Later that evening when trying to be the perfect provider and cook a roast I had a word hissy fit when the wife tried to help. Seriously pathetic and totally set up back from the beautiful moment early in the day. Lots of energy spent since then.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
not managing my emotions very well on Wednesday. Totally stupid. Alcohol plays a role in removing my grip on my mature self.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Late night overtime perhaps.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father, grandfather and son this week.
Some positive stuff especially at the weekend.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Good.

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Few minor things. Planning something a little bigger too.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 2:00 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hi Spanner


Quote:
I appreciate the effort it took the wife.


:g: :g:
and so you should
but not just appreciate
carry on proving that you deserve her
be good

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:50 am 
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Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Thanks Kenzo,
A very pertinent reply.

Quote:
Lesson 58 Exercise:
Define the five rituals that you will most likely face in the next two years. For each, develop an action plan in five minutes or less...that focuses specifically on the immediate action you will take upon the awareness of the ritual; the anticipated emotions you will feel after you engage in that behavior; and the likely mind-games that you will play to get you to abandon your values-based decision making for emotion based decision making.


Viewing porn on the internet:
Awareness will come from seeing an image that sets off little alarm bells. My new boundary is set well below porn. Such an image is on the top of the slippery slope. The action is to break away from that image, immediately, and not to continue to view similar, related images. Emotions expected after making this break may include a muted sense of lost following a flash of the cocktail of emotions I used to feel (anticipation, excitement, suspense, fear). This is the essence of an urge. It is now a trigger for me to take a positive healthy action. Any mind games would be to try to prolong the browsing. You're not looking at porn after all. To objectified the image or to continue look for more of the same. At the time of writing I'm in a good place as far as this threat is concerned but in the future could I allow complacency to creep in I may find myself having that conversation.

Masturbation:
I've chosen not to masturbate. Healthy, if there is such a thing after initial sexual awakening, or otherwise.
This is an absolute boundary. A serious amount of complacency would have to have sent in before this was a likelihood and the warning signs with other rituals serve as a safety net.
Anyway to answer the question. Upon becoming aware that I've started the ritual of immediately break. I'd expect to be feeling lots of emotions. Chaos! Physical pleasure which I've not felt for about a year save for four occasions were I've woken up in the process of masturbating. Anxiety from stopping. Fear and concern that I've allowed myself to slip or near slip. Determination to learn from this. Recognise my recovery is in serious trouble. R.U.N. (Remove myself from the situation, Unscramble my thinking, Never forget what I have to lose). Return to RN (presumedly this has slipped too) to seek advice on reviewing monitoring and action plans. Share with wife.
Mind games... This is a healthy wank. You have been celibate for long enough. Think of the pleasure you are feeling. It is natural to want to feel sexual pleasure. Three quarters of these are healthly arguments but for my personal boundaries.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2017 9:00 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
B: list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.
1. To be able to look honestly into my wife's eyes for the first time.
Active motivator
2. To regain control of me.
Mild motivator. I'm in control of the compulsive side
3. To live a decent life.
Mild motivator. I'm refraining from lewd activities.
4. To use the same energies my addiction took on my wife as it was she that was robbed of them.
Active motivator. Need to do more here.
5. To have a clearer mind.
Mild. Much improved.
6. To regain some emotions.
Mild. I'm more emotional but still a long way off being able to freely communicate them.
7. So not to lose my wife.
Active. Important but initial crisis passed and wife has offered good support. Still need to work on her happiness.
8. To be free.
Mild. I'm free from the compulsive side but accept I'll never be truly free from recovery.
9. To have more time for positive things.
Mild. Long term goal. In the short term RN has been one of the possitive things.
10. More gumption to learn new things.
Mild. As above
11. To have a wider focus at work.
Mild.
12. Fully enjoy my hobbies. Make a proper project and carry it out.
Mild. Enjoying a few things. Little time for bigger things.
13. Find empathy and apply it to my family and friends. Grow as a person.
Active. Found some, applied less. Still have lots of growing to do.
14. To think to the future with hope and purpose.
Mild. Still not thinking too far ahead.
15. To be able to live an unguarded life without secrets and the fear of discovery.
Active. This is the real joy sobriety brings. This continues to be a strong motivation to remain sober.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2017 10:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
As part of lesson 60...
Thinking about the first step... prior to an expected trigger.
The likely scenarios for my acting out were covered in lesson 47 so reviewing these...

Most of these are regularly experienced and do not need special planning.
I'm still not suffering from compulsive urges so I think the risk of relapse is low.

#1 at home when left alone.
Daily activity. Core boundary of not acting out protects this.
#2 at work when last in the office.
My boundary of decency would stop any thing here.
#3 watching tv if something sexy came on.
More a spontaneous trigger.
It's not what you look at, it's why you look at it. My improving maturity helps here.
I tend to either look away or fast-forward. You can't avoid seeing but avoid dwelling on.
#4 in the garage, in quite moments whilst doing DIY etc.
As #1
#5 in the bath.
Used to be a place where I might start a cycle.
This is now a place of positive value.
#6 whilst out in the evening under the influence.
I'm not going to be triggered. It's more a behavioural issue.
This is where I have tended to revert to immaturity and being less caring and tolerant of the wife.
Plan: remind oneself to keep awareness of scanning and maintain empathy.
#7 staying away on business.
I don't travel now but this used to be frequent. Even when I tried to suppress acting out after a few days I would wake up masturbating. Of all this list this the only one that worries me.
Plan: take a book or hobby magazine to fill any spare hotel room time. Computer games could also be equally as good distraction. Go to sleep with a non-sexualised mindset, relaxed.
#8 whilst camping.
Opportunity for an urge due to the opportunity in the shower to masturbate.
Been camping a few times and as #1 this is no longer a trigger but source of value.
#9 whilst on the pc browsing.
It has been easy to dip into inappropriate content and trigger the desire for further activities in the past.
I'm constantly asking myself, Why are you looking? This seems ingrained.
Plus I have internet filtered and a boundary that I will never hide my browsing.
#10 in the loo anywhere if there is time.
Core boundary.

Spontaneous trigger:
The above list covers the opportunity based scenarios for my acting out.
Rituals are masturbation with or without porn.
I have spent some time roleplaying masturbation with porn as suggested.

Urge:
Should I have an urge then I'd immediately invoke something I'd learnt outside of RN but compatible with it.
RUN
Remove yourself. In my case close down browser and pc. Move to another room. Do something of value.
Undistort my thinking. i.e be prepared for mind games
Never forget what you have to lose.

Being something I can learn from I'd then revisit RN and review Urge control lessons.

Off track:
Get straight back to RN lesson 60.

On schedule:
I think I am showing some signs of struggle. Not that it is resulting in any sexual addiction issues or urges but my motivation and growth have been abandoned. I don't think there is any particular reason other than complacency and a desire for normally .
Plan: return to RN. Increase frequency of monitoring. Review values, goals and proactive plans.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:44 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hi Spanner
good to hear
Quote:
I'm still not suffering from compulsive urges so I think the risk of relapse is low
.

but


Quote:
I think I am showing some signs of struggle. Not that it is resulting in any sexual addiction issues or urges but my motivation and growth have been abandoned


gives reason for some concern
that said you have recognised this and have the tools and wherewithall to rectify it
stay on track and remember not only what you have to lose
but what you have to gain

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Weekly monitoring
PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 4:56 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
It's been quite a while since I last posted my monitoring. I have mentally completed this a few times but not every week for sure. A level of complacency has set in that may otherwise been avoided.

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Been off work relaxing over the Christmas period. Mainly spending time together with the wife. Some good kisses,watching films and walks. Co-operating with the wife on Christmas tasks. Family time too, especially the grandchildren.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
The wife. Mainly on the subject of openness and honesty.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Acting out is dead to me so I'm never feeling urges when emotionally stressed.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Return to work. I want to be more mature this year. Play the game.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father, grandfather and son this week.
Good. Got cross with one of the grandchildren, justifiably, but still.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Err...no!

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Nothing much


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Quote:
Lesson 64 Exercise:
Take today to envision where you are in your transition to health. What skills do you feel you have worked hard to develop? What skills need additional work? Explore your attitude in regards to whether or not 'addiction' is a part of you; or merely a pattern that developed in your life. Explore your awareness as to the role that your compulsive rituals played...and what it would mean should they return. Explore how you would respond? Explore your confidence level in that response. Explore your overall balance and stability...how much of your life is spent 'fighting urges, managing urges, acting out, engaging in recovery activities, etc.' versus how much of your life is spent just living. Assess your identity for hyper-sexuality. How prevalent is it? Assess your value system. How efficient are you in using it to make decisions, achieve balance, etc.?
Share any significant observations (from the questions listed above or others) in your Recovery Thread.

One issue I've had whilst developing my skills is the lack of urges. Nice problem to have as I appreciate that I've not had to have a on going mental battle against compulsive behaviours. So this means that some skills are interlectual and I've not had the opportunity to learn from fresh experiences. I'm happy I've understood the RN programme to date and have the skills in place only should they ever be called upon then I recognise that I would have to return to RN to revisit the relevant lessons. At this point, and for some time, I do not feel that addiction is a part of me. I've come to the conclusion, deep in my core, that there is no value in acting out. A few moments of pleasure and relief are far outweighed by the cost of having to maintain an addictive life. This revelation in itself brings its own rewards in a sense of well-being.
I cannot foresee a return to compulsive rituals. I say this with confidence. I understand that to never experience an urge is rare so I've done the work should that ever happen.
Desexualising my brain is an ongoing focus. Too many years of perverted thoughts. Scanning is a good example. Which is based on objectifying women. Over the last year and a bit of recovery this is way, way better. Not perfect but getting there.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:43 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hi Spanner
Quote:
that there is no value in acting out. A few moments of pleasure and relief are far outweighed by the cost of having to maintain an addictive life.


You nailed it :g:
recovery is guaranteed so long as you continue to choose its path

Quote:
Over the last year and a bit of recovery this is way, way better. Not perfect but getting there.



and you have the rest of your life to cherish whilst getting there
be the best that you can be and be that best for you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:22 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Many positives from the Brugge trip.
Grandson's birthday so some rewarding family time.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
One simple answer. My strained relationship with my wife.
Key issue being total honesty. Not dishonesty but not being open. Not being real self.
This time last week we were on a city break in Brugge. This is a lovely city. Planning the trip was stressful but rewarding. The strain between us was a factor. I'd hoped for this to be the time I started to open up. We had a talk about it not happening which ended up getting heated. The wife found the strength to put this aside and we carried on with the trip but just as friends and not partners. This was a good trip but not the special trip it should have been.
Had a good talk yesterday based on my commitments to her.
And I have done some serious positive thinking this morning off the back of that.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
No. There was stress but there were many little positives during the week.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
No.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father, grandfather and son this week.
Not been a very good husband for thirty years and last week was no different. Hopefully I've turned a corner on the total honesty but the wife is so broken at the moment that it's going to take some effort to get through.
Let speaking to Mum to long this week.
Some positive stuff with kids, old and new.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Brugge, beer...no
Sweets..mixed
Exercise slipped this week.

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
Brugge.
Have done some good thinking around planning next week's schedule.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 7:11 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hi Spanner
a couple of pointers stood out in your monitoring
hope they help

Quote:
Not been a very good husband for thirty years and last week was no different.



My advice is that you cannot un-ring a ringing bell so own your past , that is not to say simply accept it, but use it as a start for progressing, and that means from now

Quote:
Had a good talk yesterday based on my commitments to her.

and as suggested above your commitments to you, one without the other does not square the circle

looking forwards to seeing more positives , it is in your own hands, even if decisions regarding the development of your relationship are not
be worthy,

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 5:21 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Nothing specific. It's good to work through your to do list. Cooking, tv and badminton too.
Mothering Sunday.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
Still the wife.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Good. None.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
No.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father, grandfather and son this week.
Better but not prefect.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Generally okay

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
No.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 1:12 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
Glad to say the wife. Things have begun to improve. We have had some meaningful conversations and enjoyed each others company. We're now holding hands, hugging and even lightly kissing. This is great stuff and hugely rewarding. I'm lucky and grateful.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
Still the wife. A good day can be followed by a wobbly day.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Good. None.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
No.

Question #5: How were you at being a husband, father, grandfather and son this week.
Need to revisit this and keep it in focus.

Question #6: Were you healthly last week (booze, sweets and exercise)?
Need to start up with the exercise again.

Question #7: Did you to anything proactively last week? Think now, is there anything you could do next?
I've thought of something.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:06 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 279
Hi Spanner,

It looks like you've had a really good week, well done. I hope you can see the real progress that you have made as others will also see that are reading your thread.

Keep up the good work my friend!

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:28 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:56 pm
Posts: 95
Location: Blighty. Hence the spelling.
Life is not as good as it could be. Not as good as it should be.
Things are not good with the wife. It seems we're in a cycle and at the moment we're at the bottom again.
Complacency.
Not with the sexual addiction side of things but more with the personal growth.
With the SA side I have been fortunate. I've managed from the start to separate the addiction from my core identify. Rare but it happens. Downside of this is, whilst I worked through RN, part of me felt some of the exercises did not really apply to me. The lack of urges, slips etc meant there was no real fight for recovery and I had to use memories of past events.
I've not had to focus hard on change .
I have at times had good drive and focus on but it is this that slips and I revert to "normal".
I think that I need to work on my emotional maturity. Anyone else done this specifically? And good on-line resources or books to recommend?


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