Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:15 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 63 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:02 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
Having lived with the shame and guilt of my addiction for most of my grown up life - i’m at a place where i no longer want this for my life. I’m looking forward to the time where I can not only love my wife the way she deserves, built on trust, respect and honesty - but also love myself. I’ve carried a lot of shame and guilt - at times to the point of disgust… I still battle moments of shame and try and make sense of this with my journaling and tools my therapist has suggested. I’ve not put any time expectations on my recovery - I’ve lived with my addiction for 20 years and understand it will take time to address all the negative behaviour i’ve accumulated. I’m in no hurry to heal - but rather want to take the time to genuinely recover.

I want to be a man of integrity - a man of his word, a person who can be relied on and trusted.
I want to be a loving husband that treats his wife with respect.
I want to be a man that is open and shares his vulnerability.
I want to be a man who understands and practices mindfulness.
I want to be honest and transparent with my wife.
I want to be a husband that puts his wife and family first - who will always be my number one priority.
I want to be a confident man that has the courage and integrity to stand up for what I believe is right.
I want to be a man who truly empathises with people - who tries (and succeeds) to genuinely understand how others feel.
I want to be a man that moves confidently through the world from situation to situation that isn’t burdened by shame or guilt - that is both realistic and optimistic.
I want to be a man that people close to me can not only rely on but feel supported in their endeavours and encouraged to be their best.

EDIT:I’m looking forward to the time where I can not only love my wife the way she deserves, built on trust, respect, commitment and honesty - but also love myself...


Last edited by newfocus17 on Mon May 29, 2017 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Mar 30, 2017 6:02 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3539
Location: UK
Hello New

Quote:
i’m at a place where i no longer want this for my life. I’m looking forward to the time where I can also love myself


:g:

great so lets get on and do something positive to address this
RN can help and believe me I know it is worth the efforts and overcoming the difficulties in front of you
So welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 1:57 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
Thanks Coach Kenzo - I appreciate your response.

My Personal Vision:

Honesty, Trust and Respect - are key to building a life I can truly love. Each of these values are fundamental to a meaningful relationship with both myself and others.
I devote all of me (the whole me) to my wife by openly sharing my deepest thoughts, emotions and vulnerabilities… to be present to her needs…who puts her first.

To be a reliable, dependable friend, a fun, supportive and loving husband, who often finds and seeks fun moments together, for all our lives.
To create the deepest bond of love and support that we both gain strength from throughout, both as individuals and/or as a couple.

To be a confident caring husband, father and man, developed from my own integrity and a true sense of identity.

To develop and build a range of intimacy with my wife through patience, caring and understanding.

To happily grow old with my wife, with our grandchildren running around us.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:41 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
Lesson 3 - Value List:

Living with integrity
Respect - myself and others
Open - sharing thoughts, my true self.
Vulnerability - sharing emotion at relevant times
Mindfulness - being present to the moment
Honesty and transparency
Prioritising what important - family
Confidenceto make the right decisions at the right time
Living with compassionate - empathising with people - family, friends and others.
Being an inspiration to others
Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences
Being dependable - a role model to my children, wife, friends, colleagues, others in need
Build, develop and strengthen meaningful connections
Being playful - find fun throughout life
Being excited with what life offers
Being considerate of others
Being considerate of myself
Putting other’s needs before my own
Prioritising Healthy practices
Having Grit, being dedicated, determined and persevere - overcome challenges
Being purposeful
Giving, being charitable
Delivering quality in my work
Being thoughtful - looking at the broader situation rather than the specifics
Living an Adventurous life - Sharing those adventures
Being appreciated and loved by others
Build, develop and strengthen creativity..then share
Build, develop and strengthen emotional maturity
Feeling empowered
Respected and held in high regards for my work
Insatiably curious - seek new experiences and knowledge
Build, develop strong systems and process in life
Seek meaningful relationships, collaborations, partnering
Embrace and champion diversity
Help other be successful
Being courageous
Embrace the journey - the moments in between the milestone
Promote positive change in myself and others - be constructively discontent
Physical pleasure
Sexual intimacy
Sexual contact
Experiencing euphoria
Feeling sexually desired
Being judged trustworthy
Feeling unconditional love
Developing patience
Build, develop and strengthen my children's creativity and grit
Connected to my own feelings
Being Resourceful
Being Adaptable
Being faithful and loyal
Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills
Forgiveness
Environmentally(Green) aware and respectful
Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 1:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
Lesson 4 - Prioritising Values

1. Respect - myself and others
2. Honesty and transparency
3. Being Trustworthy
4. Living with integrity
5. Open - sharing thoughts, my true self.
6. Vulnerability - sharing emotion at relevant times
7. Being faithful and loyal
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline
9. Being connected to my own feelings
10. Mindfulness - being present to the moment
11. Living with compassion - empathising with people - family, friends and others.
12. Being dependable - a role model to my children, wife, friends, colleagues, others in need
13. Prioritising
14. Being purposeful
15. Confidence to make the right decisions at the right time
16. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences
17. Build, develop and strengthen creativity..then share
18. Prioritising Healthy practices
19. Being excited with what life offers
20. Having Grit, being dedicated, determined and persevere - overcome challenges
21. Build, develop and strengthen emotional maturity
22. Being considerate of others
23. Being thoughtful - looking at the broader situation rather than the specifics
24. Build, develop and strengthen meaningful connections
25. Promote positive change in myself and others - be constructively discontent
26. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills
27. Being courageous
28. Embrace and champion diversity
29. Seek meaningful relationships, collaborations, partnering
30. Build, develop strong systems and process in life
31. Build, develop and strengthen my children's creativity and grit
32. Being playful - find fun throughout life
33. Living an Adventurous life - Sharing those adventures
34. Insatiably curious - seek new experiences and knowledge
35. Help other be successful
36. Giving, being charitable
37. Feeling empowered
38. Forgiveness
39. Being considerate of myself
40. Being Adaptable
41. Being Resourceful
42. Feeling empowered
43. Promote positive change in myself and others - be constructively discontent
44. Feeling unconditional love
45. Embrace the journey - the moments in between the milestone
46. Developing patience
47. Environmentally(Green) aware and respectful
48. Respected and held in high regards for my work
49. Delivering quality in my work
50. Experiencing euphoria
51. Physical pleasure
52. Sexual intimacy
53. Feeling sexually desired
54. Sexual contact


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 12:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
Lesson:5

1. Respect - myself and others
2. Honesty and transparency
3. Being Trustworthy
4. Being faithful and loyal
5. Be confident, be purposeful
6. Vulnerability - sharing true self
7. Living with integrity - my words and actions are aligned.
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline and perseverance (Grit)
9. Being connected to my own feelings
10. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences
11. Prioritising Healthy practices
12. Being excited with what life offers - have fun
13. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills
14. Build, develop strong systems and process in life
15. Healthy sexual intimacy


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 1:10 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
6. Vulnerability - sharing true self

Share openly the good bad and the ugly, expressing my feelings, revealing my flaws, and admitting my fears - sharing and being vulnerable is an essential ingredient to intimacy and fosters trust(one of my other values) and personal growth.

Be aware of opportunities and moments to share openly, safely with M, asking for help is not admitting weakness.

Practical Steps:

Aligned with the my therapy work - challenge my core beliefs and self-defeating thoughts with socratic questioning - share this work with M. Invite M to my ‘Recovery dropbox folder’ see my daily work/progress on my recovery- she’ll get notified (via email) with every one of my updates.

Invite M to view my Recovery Nation posts.

Invite M to share her vulnerability and support her.

Share my vulnerability (Selective) in different appropriate situations - work, home, play. Treat it as practice with the intent on developing and improving.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Wed May 03, 2017 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 4:47 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
11. Prioritising Healthy practices

I've been aware that my addiction has drawn my attention away from other parts of my life. I realise these parts play an essential role in not only finding life balance and stability, but will play a part in my recovery. Creating a heathy lifestyle incorporates a range of practices - including: fitness, mobility, eating well, sleeping and meditation - my intent is to include these into my daily routine.

Practical:

Daily exercise - crossfit and/or swimming - with a stretching regime before and after

This evening I start my meditation workshop - having not done this before I'm looking forward to learning new techniques of mindfulness.

I've started to track my sleeping habits through the App Sleep Cycle - to see where I can improve. I've also reduced my caffeine intake.

We are currently taking part in a delivery service providing customers with ingredients and recipes to cook healthy meals. We've been using the service for 4 weeks now.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2017 7:32 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
1. Respect - myself and others

A vital aspect of respecting myself is self love - understanding, encouraging and embracing my strengths (and others) and my own uniqueness . Being self-aware plays an essential role towards respecting myself.

Practical: Myself

Journalling my thoughts, emotions, feelings and physical responses to situation - positive or negative.
If negative - question those thoughts using socratic questioning - to develop realistic thoughts.
Be honest with myself and others....challenge yourself ->thoughts, emotions, feelings and physically.

Prioritise healthy practices as above - MIND/BODY/SPIRIT - including Meditation

Work on building confidence - embrace vulnerability - let shame go.

Practical: Others

LISTEN (to understand - not to 'reply') and empathise with people.

Encourage people


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2017 2:45 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
2. Honesty and transparency

Honesty I think start with being honest with myself - be aware of the 'little negative voice (addiction)' - challenge it!

Practical:

Prioritise my values (above) and reevaluate - this will help build strong personal boundaries - address often.

Journal ->Being dishonest - is hiding the truth - take a deep look and figure out and write down why I need to lie and hide the truth. If it's simply a lie - then share this with M. Being honest to myself is when I will learn the most about me - self improvement.

Establish a sense of purpose
"A sense of purpose will give a counter-balancing rationale on why you should act honestly. It’s this sense of purpose that you should be true to, rather than random impulsive desires that fill your days. Your personal integrity is tied to how much you are serving your sense of purpose. Conversely, you will recognise how much are you doing a disservice to this purpose when you don’t act honestly."

Self-validate my honest acts - recognition will strengthen my resolve to be honest and disassociate myself from dishonesty.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2017 1:10 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
3. Being Trustworthy

Being trustworthy is acting with integrity - keeping my word. It's a trait other people look for in a person it's confirmation that you're reliable, supportive and honest.

Practical:

Complete what I say I'll complete - action.

Take opportunities to show my character - show people I'm reliable - thoughtful actions.

Be honest even in challenging situations.

Be compassionate - try to understand other perspective and act/respond accordingly.

Avoid: Gossip, rumour


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 1:37 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
4. Being faithful and loyal

Inorder for our relationship to continue and grow - faithfulness and loyalty is essential - this requires trust.


Practical:

Not engaging in negative behaviour - looking at porn / visiting dating sites / using dating apps / having sex with other woman.

Communicate and share your thoughts, emotions - be open, not secretive.

Understand/act that we are a partnership.

Encourage intimacy (non-sexual initially) - holding hands, hugs and kisses.

Shutdown any advancements from other woman - chain thoughts, contact friend/support.

Change my habits - no working late, be home.

Make plans with M - have a vision for our future, be optimistic, continue to reevaluate


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 1:30 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
5. Be confident, be purposeful

Throughout my life I've had varying levels of confidence (or at least how I present) - there's been situations where I front up and appear confident but internally have a lot of anxiety. In other situations I have steered away altogether from putting myself out there. I have felt that this was due to my lack of self-belief - particularly the shame i have around my identity and being part of my culture. I think being confident plays a significant role in being purposeful...knowing yourself(understanding and adhering to my values) as a means to guide my life), share vulnerability (seeing this as a strength), loving and respecting myself, being authentic.

Practical:

Present confidently - if you look confident eventually you're feel confident.
https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_you ... re#t-60999

Smile - so you're approachable.

Think about confidence as an ongoing process - be realistic, everyone struggles with confidence from time to time.

Make eye contact.

Recognise my talents and good qualities (Positive Record Record).
Recognise how others have complimented.
Explore my positive core beliefs/ values - challenge negative core beliefs (with Socratic questions)
Challenge NATs (Negative Automatic Thoughts)

Purposeful:
Live life through my values.
be present in the moment / mindfulness
focus on one task a time
help/serve others & build supportive relationships
Be responsible - for your actions
be authentic
accept failure is a part of growth and don't wait for things to be 'perfect'.
banish -> guilt, shame


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 2:46 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
7. Living with integrity - my words and actions are aligned.

Being a man of integrity means i am honest with myself and others - my actions should consistently align according to my values and beliefs.

Practical:

adhere, develop, strengthen my vision/mission and values statement above.

Identify aspects of your behaviour that require change. journal

Challenge negative behaviour that goes against your values and beliefs. standup for what I believe is right. journal

Listen to understand and respect others opinions - have empathy - be mindful of other people life journey.

Be accountable for your actions


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 2:47 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 58
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline and perseverance (Grit)

Living by your values and having a vision for my life will motivate me to persevere.

Practical:

Know what I want - write it down daily (mantra) - plot my course and breakdown into manageable parts. Frame this with your values and vision.

Remove self doubt - don't listen to Negative Automative thoughts

Face challenges - see it as a means of self development.

Its Ok to ask for help.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 63 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group