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PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 3:03 am 
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Hi Newfocus17,

I hope that you are recovering well and at a better place from before now.
There might be shame coming from what we have experienced before but that is a positive sign that we have the awareness and motivation to walk out of the past.
Keep up with the lessons and good to know that you have progressed well for the many months since you started with RN.

All the best! :g:


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 4:54 am 
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Thank you Healzen - your words are appreciated.

I've been reading a lot lately and journalling - which i see to not only play an essential part of my recovery but also to empowering myself.

A book i'd like to recommend for anybody thats reading this is:
The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage by Brene Brown - i found it to be powerful.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:44 pm 
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Exercise:30 - do!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:27 pm 
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Exercise:31

Quote:
In learning to effectively manage your life (e.g. maintain relative emotional balance), it is important to develop an ongoing awareness of where the majority of your energy is being exhausted and where it is being derived. In your Personal Recovery Thread:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

Public speaking on a topic I have little background in - severe
Renovating house - ready to rent - moderate
Organising house, kids & family ready to move to another city - moderate
Arguing with Wife - feeling overwhelmed and closing down (not acting out) - but moody - moderate
Reacting/moody toward kids - moderate
Falling short with work - moderate

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?


1. Respect - myself and others
2. Honesty and transparency
3. Being Trustworthy
4. Being faithful and loyal
5. Be confident, be purposeful
6. Vulnerability - sharing true self
7. Living with integrity - my words and actions are aligned.
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline and perseverance (Grit)
9. Being connected to my own feelings
10. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences
11. Prioritising Healthy practices
12. Being excited with what life offers - have fun
13. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills
14. Build, develop strong systems and process in life
15. Healthy sexual intimacy


I'm building on my confidence, and have been in a few situations where I felt comfortable - this touches on my communication skills. I feel generally i've worked across all of these values with varying degrees of progress 0 all moving in a positive direction.

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?


While i'm working on me and integrating my values into my day to day life - i'm aware there is still an emptiness where my addictions resided. I'll continue to work.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:04 pm 
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this really resonated: it is the victim's needs that should be used as a guide — never your own.
I think about this in terms of my wife being a victim...and how I'm considering her needs, rather than making demands of her.
I created a lot of damage - which needs time to heal - rebuild trust and respect.
Reestablishing my values seems very timely for me right now - theres a lot going on, additional stresses > as we prepare to move to another city.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:17 pm 
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Lesson 32 Exercise:
1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.


Lesson:5

1. Respect - myself and others
2. Honesty and transparency
3. Being Trustworthy
4. Being faithful and loyal
5. Be confident, be purposeful
6. Vulnerability - sharing true self
7. Living with integrity - my words and actions are aligned.
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline and perseverance (Grit)
9. Being connected to my own feelings
10. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences
11. Prioritising Healthy practices
12. Being excited with what life offers - have fun
13. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills
14. Build, develop strong systems and process in life
15. Healthy sexual intimacy
2. Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:54 pm 
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Lesson 32 Exercise:
1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.
2. Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed.



Quote:
1. Respect - myself and others

A vital aspect of respecting myself is self love - understanding, encouraging and embracing my strengths (and others) and my own uniqueness . Being self-aware plays an essential role towards respecting myself.

Practical: Myself

Journalling my thoughts, emotions, feelings and physical responses to situation - positive or negative.
If negative - question those thoughts using socratic questioning - to develop realistic thoughts.
Be honest with myself and others....challenge yourself ->thoughts, emotions, feelings and physically.

Prioritise healthy practices as above - MIND/BODY/SPIRIT - including Meditation

Work on building confidence - embrace vulnerability - let shame go.

Practical: Others

LISTEN (to understand - not to 'reply') and empathise with people.

Encourage people


>>> I have found journaling invaluable, it has been the cornerstone of my recovery at this point - at times when I'm 'busy' journalling tends to falloff -> and its at those times where I've felt weak in terms of my recovery. Journalling has been useful across building all of my values. Meditation and mindfulness has been useful as well.

I still have belts of 'shame' - generally I try and journal those feelings



Quote:
2. Honesty and transparency

Honesty I think start with being honest with myself - be aware of the 'little negative voice (addiction)' - challenge it!

Practical:

Prioritise my values (above) and reevaluate - this will help build strong personal boundaries - address often.

Journal ->Being dishonest - is hiding the truth - take a deep look and figure out and write down why I need to lie and hide the truth. If it's simply a lie - then share this with M. Being honest to myself is when I will learn the most about me - self improvement.

Establish a sense of purpose
"A sense of purpose will give a counter-balancing rationale on why you should act honestly. It’s this sense of purpose that you should be true to, rather than random impulsive desires that fill your days. Your personal integrity is tied to how much you are serving your sense of purpose. Conversely, you will recognise how much are you doing a disservice to this purpose when you don’t act honestly."

Self-validate my honest acts - recognition will strengthen my resolve to be honest and disassociate myself from dishonesty.



>>>there's been moments of dishonesty - lying to myself through complacency - thinking I'll be able to handle situations in my head rather than bringing them into reality through my journalling. Both my wife and therapist called me out on a number of occasions re: experiencing a trigger (sexual imagery) ->and then not journalling and processing this immediately (which is when i get the most value - challenging my addiction)



Quote:
3. Being Trustworthy

Being trustworthy is acting with integrity - keeping my word. It's a trait other people look for in a person it's confirmation that you're reliable, supportive and honest.

Practical:

Complete what I say I'll complete - action.

Take opportunities to show my character - show people I'm reliable - thoughtful actions.

Be honest even in challenging situations.

Be compassionate - try to understand other perspective and act/respond accordingly.

Avoid: Gossip, rumour


>>>generally I've felt I've been on point in terms of my trustworthiness. :g:


Quote:
4. Being faithful and loyal

Inorder for our relationship to continue and grow - faithfulness and loyalty is essential - this requires trust.


Practical:

Not engaging in negative behaviour - looking at porn / visiting dating sites / using dating apps / having sex with other woman.

Communicate and share your thoughts, emotions - be open, not secretive.

Understand/act that we are a partnership.

Encourage intimacy (non-sexual initially) - holding hands, hugs and kisses.

Shutdown any advancements from other woman - chain thoughts, contact friend/support.

Change my habits - no working late, be home.

Make plans with M - have a vision for our future, be optimistic, continue to reevaluate


>>>I've completely changed my habits - which has had a positive effect on my recovery - I've had moment when i've closed up - this generally happens when I'm stressed usually through having a big workload. This has frightened my wife as it presents like 'old behaviour' - in every instance I come back to her and we talk this through until resolved.

I'm managing this better now than before I sought help for my addiction - however there's room for improvement.


Quote:
5. Be confident, be purposeful

Throughout my life I've had varying levels of confidence (or at least how I present) - there's been situations where I front up and appear confident but internally have a lot of anxiety. In other situations I have steered away altogether from putting myself out there. I have felt that this was due to my lack of self-belief - particularly the shame i have around my identity and being part of my culture. I think being confident plays a significant role in being purposeful...knowing yourself(understanding and adhering to my values) as a means to guide my life), share vulnerability (seeing this as a strength), loving and respecting myself, being authentic.

Practical:

Present confidently - if you look confident eventually you're feel confident.
https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_you ... re#t-60999

Smile - so you're approachable.

Think about confidence as an ongoing process - be realistic, everyone struggles with confidence from time to time.

Make eye contact.

Recognise my talents and good qualities (Positive Record).
Recognise how others have complimented.
Explore my positive core beliefs/ values - challenge negative core beliefs (with Socratic questions)
Challenge NATs (Negative Automatic Thoughts)

Purposeful:
Live life through my values.
be present in the moment / mindfulness
focus on one task a time
help/serve others & build supportive relationships
Be responsible - for your actions
be authentic
accept failure is a part of growth and don't wait for things to be 'perfect'.
banish -> guilt, shame


>>>this is an area (confidence/purposefulness) that i've felt i've made good progress! I've put myself out there (presentations and speeches) ..and come though unscathed!..which in turn build more confidence.
Meditation/Mindfulness - has allowed me to be in the present moment more often - if anything it has increased my awareness.


Quote:
6. Vulnerability - sharing true self

Share openly the good bad and the ugly, expressing my feelings, revealing my flaws, and admitting my fears - sharing and being vulnerable is an essential ingredient to intimacy and fosters trust(one of my other values) and personal growth.

Be aware of opportunities and moments to share openly, safely with M, asking for help is not admitting weakness.

Practical Steps:

Aligned with the my therapy work - challenge my core beliefs and self-defeating thoughts with socratic questioning - share this work with M. Invite M to my ‘Recovery dropbox folder’ see my daily work/progress on my recovery- she’ll get notified (via email) with every one of my updates.

Invite M to view my Recovery Nation posts.

Invite M to share her vulnerability and support her.

Share my vulnerability (Selective) in different appropriate situations - work, home, play. Treat it as practice with the intent on developing and improving.


>>>>I've had moments of progress with vulnerability - accepting that it is a strength rather than a weakness requires ongoing work!

Quote:
7. Living with integrity - my words and actions are aligned.

Being a man of integrity means i am honest with myself and others - my actions should consistently align according to my values and beliefs.

Practical:

adhere, develop, strengthen my vision/mission and values statement above.

Identify aspects of your behaviour that require change. journal

Challenge negative behaviour that goes against your values and beliefs. standup for what I believe is right. journal

Listen to understand and respect others opinions - have empathy - be mindful of other people life journey.

Be accountable for your actions


>>>It's important that I journal in context of situations and with immediacy to get the most out of this process....and to strengthen my values -> which in turn builds integrity. Being aware of potentially harmful situations and countering this is essential.



Quote:
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline and perseverance (Grit)

Living by your values and having a vision for my life will motivate me to persevere.

Practical:

Know what I want - write it down daily (mantra) - plot my course and breakdown into manageable parts. Frame this with your values and vision.

Remove self doubt - don't listen to Negative Automative thoughts

Face challenges - see it as a means of self development.

Its Ok to ask for help.


>>> building the 5 second rule (Mel Robbins) into my daily activities - so I'm action orientated.


Quote:
9. Being connected to my own feelings

being consciously aware of my feelings at any given time is part of my self development and recovery.

Practical:

check in with myself through out the day - understand my emotions/thoughts/physical reactions/feelings
> journal these.

being mindful and present - take time through the day to present in the tasks you perform without looking for distraction.


>>>recently i've fallen off my daily addiction management journalling - focussing on:
What did I learn about my addiction yesterday?
What did I succeed in addressing yesterday? What are you grateful for?
What was my commitment like yesterday (%)?
What were the 'shaky' bits/the potential risks ?
What do I need to commit to today?

I'll get back into this - morning starts and attention usually sets me up for the rest of my day.


Quote:
10. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences

My actions/thoughts can have positive and negative actions.Being responsible for these actions/thoughts will help build deeper relationships.

Practical:

Stop making excuses, stop blaming - be honest with myself and others - OWN IT!
Additionally, accept that there are some things that are out of my control.

Admit my mistakes


>>>I am owning my actions!


Quote:
11. Prioritising Healthy practices

Keeping a healthy body and mind is essential to gaining the most from my life.

Practical:

Exercise daily

Eat healthily

reduce fat and sugar

practice mindfulness - meditate daily.


>>>this is an areas which fluctuates - i think for me the most important part is being comfortable with where i'm at and being realistic.


Quote:
12. Being excited with what life offers - have fun

Being open to possibilities and seeking positive fun will aid me in having a fulfilled life. As a consequences these positive activities have a be a positive impact on other aspects of my life.

Practical:
Try new things, challenge myself
Don't take myself too serious
involve others - shared fun is rewarding.
Go Surfing!
Go snowboarding!



>>>I think i need to work on this - give myself permission to seek adventure.


Quote:
13. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills

My overall confidence will strengthen when i'm able to clearly communicate in varying situations.

Practical:
Blog - share my personal or professional opinion, ideas, inspirations - educate myself by educating others

Journal thoughts, inspirations, feeling, ideas.

Seek speaking engagements/ presentation - improve by doing and persevering.



>>>this is an area that i've definintely improved on - and will continually seek improvement.

Quote:
14. Build, develop strong systems and process in life

Breaking down large tasks in manageable parts framed by my renewed life vision and values provides a good process to managing by addiction.

Practical:

Critical and design thinking - empathise > define > ideate > prototype > test


>>>this is always in the mix for me - i'm interested in 'process' - finding effective ways to get to the desired result.


Quote:
15. Healthy sexual intimacy

I want to be in a relationship that embraces healthy intimacy across the spectrum - this includes sexual intimacy. A shared experience that is fulfilling physically and emotionally between my wife and I.
Keeping in mind this will be a considered journey - there is healing required for my wife and I as individuals and additionally our partnership/marriage.

Practical:
Create the space for intimacy (not necessarily sexual) and warmth...start gradually.

Go on dates - share moments together.

Cuddles, holding hands and hugs are good!

Have fun! - don't over think - enjoy each others company and have a laugh.

Don't pressure!


>>>my wife and i are working through this slowly - there's been moments when my wife has felt pressure from me to get intimate(not necessarily sexual) and has closed down - this is understandable given my past and the degree of my negative behaviour (cheating, porn etc)... I am committed to her and to the process...and appreciate i need to be understanding/empathetic in my approach.

It has been almost a year since telling my wife of my addiction and negative behaviour - at time i've held resentment toward her, telling myself that we both need to move on - i miss her touch and warmth, but i also understand that I'm being unreasonable and thinking of myself and my own needs - this is certainly not empathy! we are rebuilding our lives together - spending time on the foundation of our relations is essential and my hope and want, is to build higher than both us can ever imagine.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Tue Sep 12, 2017 2:23 pm, edited 18 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:55 pm 
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After completing exercise 32 I've felt in was really useful to get a gauge of where i'm at and how i've progressed - it was surprising how much of the practical things i have actually taken on and where i'm at now. :g:


Last edited by newfocus17 on Tue Sep 12, 2017 2:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:55 pm 
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so... i had a trigger yesterday which i stayed with. I looked at a music video that was explicit and i stayed with it, meaning rather than looking away - i watched it in it's entirety - and i was aroused.
I immediately felt guilty afterwards and chained the event. It was something that stayed with me for the rest of the day - i returned to my chain - which mostly helped. I told my wife and understandably she was very upset. currently she's living in another city as i prepare our house to rent and move with the kids to her. not ideal. however i'm still committed to my recovery and will continue to work through the exercises, therapy and journalling.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Wed Sep 20, 2017 1:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Lesson 33 Exercise:
1. While you have no doubt already deepened the awareness of your emotions...you now want to begin the process of mastering them. You want to make it a goal of yours to turn what was once a debilitating fault into one of your greatest strengths. That can't be done by reading. It must be developed in your day-to-day life. And so, that is your assignment. To take this next week to seek out opportunities to deepen an awareness of your emotions — both as they occur and as they can be anticipated. Each day, find at least five opportunities to assess your emotions. Don't do this retroactively...as in, you are about to go to bed and so, you review the day's activities and how you felt about them...this must be done in the here and now.
Additionally, add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behavior. Or possible future behavior. Consider your emotions at the height of a compulsive urge. On the death of a loved one. On the experience of a child's birth. Think of the extremes.
The insights you are searching for throughout this exercise will be in relation to the finite qualities of emotion; the lack of fear/anxiety that comes with developing confidence in being able to anticipate emotional intensity; and the confidence that comes with the same.
2. Each day over the next three, share a few insights relating to these topics in your personal thread. Insights that you have gained from that particular day's focus.
3. At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of the seven days? Post your assessment in your thread.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Wed Sep 20, 2017 1:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Quote:
Lesson 34 Exercise:
Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
Example: When I was twenty-two, I was approached by my best friend's wife, who wanted to have an affair with me. I knew that I shouldn't, and I knew that it wasn't worth the possibility of losing my friend or my marriage, but I did it anyway. Somehow, the feeling to have sex with her was just overwhelming, and it would have caused me great stress if I had said no.


There were moments - maybe when i was stressed - that i'd go online - jump onto a dating site - look for someone to converse with in explicit chat - persuade/coax them to jump on skype and masturbate while viewing each other - this urge was overwhelming, almost like a veil, my eyes would deepen, my pulse would quicken and i'd be in a full state of arousal..it was these moments when I felt that i was travelling an inevitable road which concluded almost always in negative behaviour.


Quote:
B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.


To not act out felt like a build up of tension, which became a stressor. Declining focus, lost attention. The need for release was paramount over most things (not my responsibilities in terms of my kids)..the 'veil' would take time a long time to pass...and even then i was left with a knot in my stomach.

Quote:
C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behaviour. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?


> as above - 'inside your mind'> it was like i was on a train track the destination was inevitable, the only control i had was how fast of slow i got to that destination.
Quote:
D. Share these insights in your recovery thread.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:57 pm 
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Quote:
Lesson 35 Exercise:
1) Evolve your daily monitoring as outlined above. Post the first thing you will be monitoring in this way in your thread for feedback and, share where you will be placing the reminder. Do not wait for feedback to begin.
2) Create your weekly agenda. Post it in your Recovery Thread.


I will set a daily calendar reminder via my alarm/reminder each morning prompting me to address the following question:
"Today, I am going to look for opportunities to confidently and genuinely connect with people in our (new) community by sharing myself openly and honestly"
I will set a second a second alarm/reminder at the end of the day 8:30pm with the following: Did I actively seek out opportunities to develop the area that I was focused on? Or was it more a case of 'out of sight, out of mind.

Additionally > I've included a reminder at the end of my week to address the 4 questions above.

Following question for the following week:
"Today, I am going to look for opportunities to to experience calmness, concentration and mindfulness throughout my day".

Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals. "On Tuesday, I took out my guitar and just played for my kids. Took the time to teach them a few notes. It was meaningful to me." This, as opposed to...'music, kids...'

I put myself out there and meet new people in our community. We have recently recently shifted from another city and are still finding our groove.
I took up an invitation to meet with someone new - which was an enjoyable experience, i focussed on proactively listening and even shared moments of vulnerability. Additionally, I connected with parents of new friends my kids had made at school - lining up playdates, swapping phone numbers.
There was a fireworks night we attended with other parents - meeting new people - it was a fun night.

Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?

Currently my son is struggling to adjust to the move - he dearly misses his friends in our last city. Him and I have been clashing while we both settle in. I also believe he's going through another growth development stage. There has been many mixed emotions summoned in both of us. AT times my patience has been lacking - and at times situation that weren't handled particularly well on my behalf, some instances ending in shouting. We also had to deal with a death in a family and attending a funeral - this was a first time experience for my kids.

Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behaviour)?

Having open conversations with my wife and letting her know that it has been challenging dealing with my son. We spoke about how we would manage this situation together... while i didn't feel things were completely resolved, we are committed to work on things as a family.
There were a couple of times during the week when i closed down (not engaging) due to frustration - this was negative behaviour - behaviour that is reminiscent of old behaviour.

Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Beyond that, monitor anything that is important to you. Your relationships, your health, your progress towards certain goals. Anything can go on your Weekly Monitoring as long as it is consistent with your emerging value system

Part of what i'm trying to achieve for the following week is a daily routine for my kids and myself - trying to provide a stable framework for all of us to work in. This will include a broad range of goals that align to my value system, particularly around sleep, meditation, health.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Sun Nov 05, 2017 12:20 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:58 pm 
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Quote:
Lesson 36 Exercise:
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.
Example: Knowing that my coworker was sexually flirting with me, I allowed myself to establish a relationship that eventually led to an affair.


In the past i've viewed imagery, read articles and videos that have been on the fringe of porn - soft porn, semi-erotic stories, stimulating videos - which wouldn't necessarily be considered porn.. However this had lead to a diminishing boundaries which eventually slid me into a porn.

Quote:
II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.
Example: My husband expects to have sex with me as a sleeping pill for him. Though I don't want to hurt his feelings, being treated in this way is degrading. I am establishing a boundary that I will only have sex with my husband when I am in the mood.


I had established a fitness/health routine - and would regularly attend the gym, swim and watch what i ate - i felt in control - i was treating myself respect and in turn how i engaged with others.

III. Share these in your recovery thread.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:50 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:58 pm 
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Quote:
Lesson 37 Exercise:
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).
II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.
III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.
Example:
Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
Absolute boundary #3: I will act in the way that I want my daughter's husband to act if he were in this situation.
IV. Share these in your recovery thread.


My 3 top Values from 15:

1. Respect - myself and others
2. Honesty and transparency
3. Being Trustworthy
4. Being faithful and loyal
5. Be confident, be purposeful
6. Vulnerability - sharing true self
7. Living with integrity - my words and actions are aligned.
8. Build, develop and strengthen self-discipline and perseverance (Grit)
9. Being connected to my own feelings
10. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences
11. Prioritising Healthy practices
12. Being excited with what life offers - have fun
13. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills
14. Build, develop strong systems and process in life
15. Healthy sexual intimacy


1. Respect - myself and others
A vital aspect of respecting myself is self love - understanding, encouraging and embracing my strengths (and others) and my own uniqueness . Being self-aware plays an essential role towards respecting myself
Practical: Myself
Journalling my thoughts, emotions, feelings and physical responses to situation - positive or negative.
If negative - question those thoughts using socratic questioning - to develop realistic thoughts.
Be honest with myself and others....challenge yourself ->thoughts, emotions, feelings and physically.
Prioritise healthy practices as above - MIND/BODY/SPIRIT - including Meditation
Work on building confidence - embrace vulnerability - let shame go.
Practical: Others
LISTEN (to understand - not to 'reply') and empathise with people.
Encourage people


2. Honesty and transparency
Honesty I think start with being honest with myself - be aware of the 'little negative voice (addiction)' - challenge it!
Practical:
Prioritise my values (above) and reevaluate - this will help build strong personal boundaries - address often.
Journal ->Being dishonest - is hiding the truth - take a deep look and figure out and write down why I need to lie and hide the truth. If it's simply a lie - then share this with M. Being honest to myself is when I will learn the most about me - self improvement.
Establish a sense of purpose
"A sense of purpose will give a counter-balancing rationale on why you should act honestly. It’s this sense of purpose that you should be true to, rather than random impulsive desires that fill your days. Your personal integrity is tied to how much you are serving your sense of purpose. Conversely, you will recognise how much are you doing a disservice to this purpose when you don’t act honestly."
Self-validate my honest acts - recognition will strengthen my resolve to be honest and disassociate myself from dishonesty.

4. Being faithful and loyal
Inorder for our relationship to continue and grow - faithfulness and loyalty is essential - this requires trust.
Practical:
Not engaging in negative behaviour - looking at porn / visiting dating sites / using dating apps / having sex with other woman.
Communicate and share your thoughts, emotions - be open, not secretive.
Understand/act that we are a partnership.
Encourage intimacy (non-sexual initially) - holding hands, hugs and kisses.
Shutdown any advancements from other woman - chain thoughts, contact friend/support.
Change my habits - no working late, be home.
Make plans with M - have a vision for our future, be optimistic, continue to reevaluate[/quote]

1. Respect - myself and others
a) I will treat people with respect regardless of their standing, situation and beliefs
b) I will respect myself - I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
c) I will take my time to understand and empathise with people
d) i will be encouraging to people both in positive and negative siruations
e) I will be self-respecting by looking after my health - emotional, physical and spiritual.
2. Honesty and transparency
a) I will be honest with my wife at all times.
b) I will not lie by omissions.
c) I will share any details pertenent to my recovery, however small.
d) I will be proactive with my offerings
e) I will be honest with myself and others
3. Being faithful and loyal
a) I will look for opportunities to build trust
b) i will be open and honest with my sharing where pertinent
c) i will treat other with respect (see above)
d) i will be reliable - i will follow through with my promises
e) I will be realistic with my expectation of myself and others - being accepting of myself and others both negative and positive qualities > being honest.


I found the Absolute boundary examples provided in the workshop were on point and really resonated:
Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
Absolute boundary #3: I will act in the way that I want my daughter's husband to act if he were in this situation.


Last edited by newfocus17 on Fri Nov 17, 2017 2:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:18 pm
Posts: 57
Quote:
Lesson 38 Exercise:
I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.
II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?
III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.
Share your work in your recovery thread.


Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
I will share openly and not withhold information
I will act in accordance to the other boudaries
being conscious and mindful of my decisions at all times - in terms of emotional, physical and spiritual advice
utilise my sponsor - pick up the phone and call before acting out
be honest with myself
i will monitor myself daily - return to my journaling - set my days intent (morning) -> reflect on days end
I will seek my wifes opinion and find moment of joy with her

Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
my actions and thoughts will reflect my values - which will set an example for my son
respecting myself / respect himself
respecting woman and not objectifying them
Empathise with others - try to see their perspective in terms of feelings, emotions and situations
i am helping him build a foundation of values - that will serve as a guide for his decision making into the future.


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