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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:06 am 
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Lesson 22

Ritual Measured:
Having sex and trying to achieve what I have seen in Porn films.
Primary Elements Involved:
Physical Stimulation; Fantasy; Moral conflict; Orgasm
Values assigned:
Physical Stimulation: 1, not caring much about while engaging in sex, it's more about a degrading masturbation afterwards.
Fantasy: 8; running through various scenes in my mind
Moral conflict: 5; disturbing me after the event
Orgasm: 3 feeling no pleasure, situational anorgasmia, feeling the need to masturbate on my own leading to overmasturbation.
Filters applied:
Physical Stimulation:
*Time — 3
*Intensity — 4
*Habituation — 4
Fantasy:
*Time — 7
*Intensity — 7
*Habituation — 6
Moral conflict:
*Time — 7
*Intensity — 10
*Habituation — 5
Orgasm:
*Time — 5
*Intensity — 4
*Habituation — 8

Lesson 23

Don't just copy the headings of this lesson. Haha :) I just copied some of the ideas, that will be worth remembering as I progress through this workshop.

Copied material:

The skill of measuring your behavior is one that you absolutely want to master. And while it may not be a critical skill in living a healthy life, it has proven to be a valuable one for a permanent recovery.

Quote:
When most people begin to examine the compulsive nature of their behavior, they do so by seeing a single, stand alone behavior. They 'look at porn'. They 'had an affair'. They 'used a prostitute'


Quote:
a complex series of smaller behaviors, ongoing choices, changing perceptions


Quote:
The rituals where, once they have experienced one or two elements of that ritual...say, the urge to view porn...and a visit to a porn site...they lose the ability to stop themselves until the ritual is complete


Quote:
you will focus mainly on examining the actual/potential emotional stimulation gained from each element


Quote:
And for many, just recognizing that it is a choice — or being reminded of it from time to time — is all that is required for a person to reprioritize their life.


MY LIFE:

Breaking down my rituals into parts, can help me to stop my compulsions (because they will be more manageable, they won't be a single chunk, but rather simple parts that could be stopped). And most importantly the choice is mine! Nobody is forcing me to, for example, open a browser and search for images of naked women.
I will also be able to identify emotions underlying these smaller parts of rituals. I will learn how to deal with these emotions in a healthy way.
I will be able to change the addictive ritual to a healthier one based on a particular emotion.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:49 pm 
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Lesson 24

Identifying Your Compulsive Elements

IF I AM ALONE AT MY HOME, I AM 10 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO FALL BACK TO PORN OR GO OUT IN THE CITY TO SEEK OUT ONE NIGHT STANDS. This ritual stems from my teenage years, where I would wait for my parents to leave home or I would come home earlier from school to engage in masturbation, porn watching and fantasizing. (PAST) Let's affect the PRESENT:

PORN

1. Being bored, feeling lonely,
2. Fantasy, tricky thoughts to "just watch one image of a naked woman", "maybe Asian woman" "Just want to see how it would look to have sex with this type of women"; "How do thin/chubby/fat women look naked, just gonna watch it, just a few images". "Just going to boost my testarterone level with a few images on *****.com
3. Getting endorphin rush (exception is when I am on a flatline, so it is only a matter of time when it would go away and I would relapse.
4. Masturbating. Orgasm. (Not at the moment as I am controlling myself, some slip off occurred like this throughout this Recovery process, that's why I want to focus on the feeling of boredom, loneliness)
5. Feeling of emptiness, loneliness, still bored.

1. Seeing a lot of women that are attractive.Approaching some (suspense).
2. Being rejected by them/her. Not doing anything about the situation.
3. Getting home. Usually late at night.
4. Feeling angry, frustrated.
5. Masturbating fantasizing about the women I saw that day/the girl I met that evening.
6 Orgasm.
7. Feeling a sense of accomplishment. (I have slept with that girl/women, but only in my mind :)
8. Falling Asleep.


1. Getting successful with a girl I approached (I get her number, she writes me back and etc..
2. Fantasy (sometimes involves watching some porn on the Internet to
"educate" myself of what I could do with her. Masturbation might fallow it might not.

1. Feeling angry (after a long workday) or feeling sexually frustrated. Sometimes just simply being horny but + alcohol consumption, thus, less control over my actions (Poly-addictions).
2. Closing the door. (Secrecy, Preparing for escaping the reality)
3. Watching porn.
4. Busting the nut. (Orgasm)
5. If I am angry/sexually frustrated the porn is usually more aggressive (Power).
6. Sense of Accomplishment (In my mind I had sex with a bunch of women).

REALITY

The pattern is pretty similar to what I have outlined above

1. Feeling of loneliness, boredom, anger, sexual frustration.
2. Downloading Tinder, Going to bars for an apparent reason. (Organising this creates intrigue and suspense)
3. Talking to girls. (Suspense) Drinking alcohol with them (Poly addiction).
4. Getting to their or my place.
5. Imitating porn scenes. No love, no intimacy, no nothing:)
6. Orgasm with a help of masturbation. Over masturbation might follow (girl present or not doesn't matter).
6. Feeling of regret and hopelessness, shame, guilt, I feel that my deepest inner values have been violated.
7. Feeling tired because I lost my vital energy (especially felt if over-masturbation was involved).


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:32 am 
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Lesson 25

Identifying Compulsive Rituals

Any person who acts 'compulsively' is in truth, acting through emotional immaturity. Overcome that immaturity and ingrain a pattern of making values-based decisions in any given situation.
The ultimate goal in urge control: to put yourself in a position to act. Rather than to react.
PoNR

Porn + boredom

1. Stayed at home. Doing nothing just being a layabout.
2. Turning on a computer to get myself entertained.
3. Googling for naked women images (according to my fantasies at a particular moment).
4. Googling doesn't suffice, I head for porn websites.
5. I start masturbating while fantasizing how it is me who is in the scene.
6. After an orgasm I turn on the music, lay in my bed doing nothing.
7. The same pattern 1-6 might start all over again as quick as in 5 minutes.

Masturbating without porn, but using porn-like fantasy.
1. Meeting a woman. I don't like her as a person, she is not beautiful or attractive for me.
2. I have a fetish from porn towards one part of her body.
3. I get sexually excited. I think about that part of her body.
4. I go to the bathroom.
5. I masturbate. Over masturbation might follow the next day (Chaser effect).

"Tindering" for sex

1. I download an app, "just for fun".
2. I find the easiest girls.
3. I chat them up.
4. I invite a match to meet up.
5. It is very obvious what we are meeting for (I know it's degrading, there is some part in me that is telling me: don't do it, it's just an instant gratification, it will lead to another ritual of over masturbation etc. etc. etc.
6. We have sex with all the aspects of porn fantasies.
7. I feel degraded, I violated my boundaries.
8. Another ritual of over masturbation might start.

Overmasturbation

1. I feel that I have already busted the nut, I feel emotional low, so why can't I just bust another one, one more time.
2. While doing it, I feel that I am doing it with a reduced pleasure already.
3. Still trying to reach an orgasm.
4. Reaching an orgasm.
5. Feeling dissatisfied.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:23 am 
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Lesson 26

Today I had a short spark of such a thought: hmm, looking at some chubby naked women...nahh I am BORED, not gonna happen, I know you boredom, and just like this I easily refrained from looking at any images, quickly jumped to other more productive activities, well they weren't very productive, but I didn't feel bored anymore and my first element of a ritual was blocked.

What I have done here is probably very simple, but to me it means that I am becoming more aware of my addiction pathways. I am eager to build some even more advanced strategies on what helps me now. What happened is a small step towards permanent change, and it will take time for me to get through other obstacles, I might not be aware of yet. Staying strong.


Mapping Compulsive Rituals

Porn + boredom

1. Stayed at home. Doing nothing just being a layabout.
It could also be other emotions like anger or the feeling of loneliness. Identifying it is very important as I it blocks the upcoming elements.
2. Turning on a computer to get myself entertained.
I think, ok, this time won't do any harm. Just watching a few images won't do any harm. While actually YOU ARE AGAIN REWIRING YOURSELF FOR UNREAL IMAGES.
3. Googling for naked women images (according to my fantasies at a particular moment).
Again it stems from the feeling of boredom. If I were angry I would search for something more aggressive. I would type "aggressive" in a porn site's search bar. It is usually, 90% of the time, the feeling of boredom.
4. Googling doesn't suffice, I head for porn websites.
As I have started doing it why not go for something stronger. Pictures are weak, have to stimulate myself with something stronger, and I need something more visual, 2 people in action, will learn something. What a BS this is!
5. I start masturbating while fantasizing how it is me who is in the scene.
6. After an orgasm I turn on the music, lay in my bed doing nothing.
Usually my mind is blank, but after some time I feel the same boredom. I don't think much about what I have done.
7. The same pattern 1-6 might start all over again as quick as in 5 minutes.

"Tindering" for sex

1. I download an app, "just for fun".
At this point I feel really bored and lonely. I convince myself that I am downloading this app just to talk to girls and meet them, what is wrong with that? -Nothing I say to myself, everyone use this app, why can't I?
2. I find the easiest girls.
So as I swipe to the left or to the right I make good choices, nice girls, who share the same interests as I do. Nevertheless, at some point I pick the girls who are obviously loose. I get triggers from the girls who have uncovered some part of their breasts.
3. I chat them up.
At this point I am like: hell, yeah this girl looks my type (sexually) I am a man, I will do what I will do, and the purpose of using tinder is transformed over here.
4. I invite a match to meet up.
At this point there is this part of me saying: hmm I don't think you should be doing it "meadowlark". And as I proceed I always hear this voice (you know it is not good for you, you will regret, it is porn mind you will have and etc. the last time this voice was very strong. It was with me in the shower as I was preparing for the meet up, it was with me when I locked my apartment's door, however, the decision was made and when I got to the place the healthier voice left me...
5. It is very obvious what we are meeting for (I know it's degrading, there is some part in me that is telling me: don't do it, it's just an instant gratification, it will lead to another ritual of over masturbation etc. etc. etc.
6. We have sex with all the aspects of porn fantasies.
I try to get the girl into a position that reminds me most of what I've seen in porn. I feel that what I'm doing is worthless, cold sex. I try to do something to get more sense of porn. I try and I try until I reach an orgasm (after an oral sex) which is not always the case (sometimes I can't reach it because what we are doing doesn't resemble porn sufficiently.
7. I feel degraded, I violated my boundaries.
I feel discontent. I walk away from a girl, I try to isolate myself, I portray no real closeness.
8. Another ritual of over masturbation might start.

Overmasturbation

1. I feel that I have already busted the nut, I feel emotional low, so why can't I just bust another one, one more time.
why can't I just bust another one, one more time. Shame, guilt, destructive thoughts, discontent makes me repeat the cycle: healthier thoughts would be: Ok, I messed up here, but I have to stop here and now, otherwise I'm gonna reach the bottom.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 5:17 pm 
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Lesson 27

Many have come to identify such an event as "hitting rock bottom". But the reality is, there is no bottom to addiction. A person's life can always get worse; just as it can always get better.

Those who engage in compulsive chains to manage their lives are true addicts.


1. I drink alcohol and then I masturbate to porn or vica versa.
After masturbating to porn for 4 times in a row I head for alcohol for further gratification. I listen to a lot of music. It calms my mind, but it's A LOT of music.

I feel very uncomfortable if I don't engage in to one of my addictions. Addiction to music is also a thing. Gambling intensifies my life, it adds danger.

2. After having sex with a girl (which didn't live up to my porn expectations) I over masturbate.
This could be explained as not getting what I wanted (very delusional) from that "intimate" moment, which is not intimate at all. So it kinda goes like this. Porn expectation --> Tinder ---> Sex ---> Disappointment + Guilt ---> Fantasy ---> Masturbation (+ Orgasm) ---> Disappointment, feeling of worthlessness, ---> Masturbation (+Orgasm).

Lesson 28

Because developing the ability to manipulate the intensity and/or duration of emotional stimulation plays no practical purpose in a healthy recovery, the goal of mastering compulsive chains is to ultimately control the SOURCES of the stimulation. Specifically, destructive sources versus value-based, constructive ones.

My last compulsive chain was performed when I met that girl from tinder.
My healthier inner voice was defeated at that time.
What could have I added to that chain?
Before seeing the girl I could have watched Porn (But I didn't)
I could have watched porn when I came back home (But I didn't)
It seems that that inner voice was still with me.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 7:06 am 
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Lesson 29

The Role of Emotions

Emotions Thoughts

Sexual contentment Thinking about having sex with a woman I like
Euphoria, happiness Winning a bet
Disappointment Losing a bet
Embarrassment, fear Being severely criticized by the expert I barely know
Curiosity Thinking about porn
Fear Perspectives of my career path

Anxiety

Least anxious state: I have done a lot of presentations, so the anxiety level is very low now, very low.
The most extreme anxious state: father (childhood) very stressful job situations (adulthood).


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 5:52 pm 
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Lesson 31

Writing this stuff late at night.
A. Stressors

Had a lot of tasks to do at my workplace, completely forgot one task. Managers are angry. Moderate
Had to move sofa from one flat to another one. Moderate
Spending a lot of money. It's near extreme, because this one touches finances :)

B. I didn't consume any alcohol. I ate a bag of chips though :)
I found time to read the book.
I was decisive. Some situations this week were very stressful and required me to make tough decisions. I managed that pretty well.
There was a thought of approaching a girl with a purpose of sex, but I really felt that it is my feeling of loneliness which was induced by all of the stress. The thought faded away very quickly as my awareness of it was very strong. I thought about how I would feel after engaging in sexual activity with a random girl. The vision wasn't very nice. The dark side of me the next day... feeling crappy...
I need to set stronger boundaries for my alone time. I need alone time, and find the way to express this wish.
I feel the patterns of achieving things in this reality/ this life more clearly. I take more initiative in inducing some events in my life that consolidate my main goals from my life's vision. I still want more control in my life. I am sure I'll get it :) Although some might say that you can never be sure of anything, nevertheless, I know this and on the contrary it helps me to keep going, reaching my dreams. I have to have dreams:) the bigger the better:)

C. One thing that I really don't like now is that I don't have enough time for myself. I worked a lot this week, but finally I have the weekend. I have postponed some of the main unanswered questions of my life.
Busy and stressful week means that I was very distracted. However, I always had in my mind what things I wrote here on Recovery Nation. I had the values in my mind and I stuck to them.

Lesson 32

I moved from one part of the city to another and it was very stressful, job was super stressful, but here I am.
MY ACTION PLANS
I am not stuck in my mind, I am not having sexual fantasies/scenarios in my mind. Why this value? So that my sexual thoughts wouldn't leave me with one goal in life, which is sexual gratification (short-term pleasure with long-term consequences).

SHOULD BE IMPROVED Meditation (every morning and evening).
UPDATED Talking to women without flirting. --> Talking with women without objectifying them.
PERFECT As soon as I get a sexual fantasy I don’t let it expand. I accept it for what it is, but I don’t let it develop into sexual daydreaming.
PERFECT If I am triggered by women in the streets, their uncovered parts of breasts, I don’t fall into the trap of fantasizing, instead I change these thoughts with thinking about my life goals.
PERFECT if I meet a nice girl, I don’t get into the castle of fantasizing about her when I leave her until the next time. I wait for the next time with her, but I am patient, I don't have false expectations.

Decisiveness. Why this value? So that my dreams would come a reality, I would be a man of action.

POSTPONED! :
Long-term decisions.
-Make a lot of long-term decisions in the following 40 days. (Also: finish 101 goals list) (Don’t just decide something in your head and leave it like that in your mind, but not in reality.)
- Monitor the decisions you will have to make for the upcoming 40 days:
1. Give yourself some time to make a decision. (Literally, sit and think alone).
2. Think of the steps necessary for the decision to become reality, objectives leading to the aims. Think of how your decisions are connected to your values, beliefs and etc. If necessary, reject the idea (your idea or others, they are not necessarily good for you).
-TAKE ACTION! Think and then act pattern.
3. So you have the steps now. Do something about them every day, your identity lies in your everyday values and actions!
4. Evaluate, success and failure, what have you learned from the decision and your actions to reach your aim/aims.

SOME IMPROVEMENTS ARE NEEDED

Buddhism, Wisdom and Financial intelligence. Why? Because these three components will keep you moving forward in life.
- Meditation (every morning and evening). Reading “The Power of Now “and other similar books.
- Reading articles, watching documentaries on the topics that would help you grow as a person emotionally, financially and spiritually. Improving my English so that I would understand more difficult concepts.
- I plan my budget every month.

Being a true man. A man who has values, who lives life as he should, who admits the problems and takes action to fix them. A man who doesn’t seek for an instant gratification be it on the Internet or real life. A man who sets long-term goals.
Why this value? Because you want to be an example to people, because you don't want to have a double identity.
POSTPONED! Every weekend sit and evaluate what you have done throughout the week to consolidate your values, beliefs, decisions and etc.
POSTPONED! Go through the notebooks. Manage these notebooks, make corrections, think of action plans.
-Pay attention to consistency.

Passion. Trying new things in life, getting out of a comfort zone. Why? Because this will keep you advancing and at the same time fulfilled.
PERFECT! KEEP IT UP!
- do something new every day. It can be a very simple thing like feeding the birds in a park.
- do something that gets you out of your comfort zone every week. Something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but you know you might get something interesting out of the situation.
- do something that makes your heart beat faster at least once a month :) I have already tried public speaking :)

PARTIALLY POSTPONED!
I don’t procrastinate. Why? Because procrastination is the killer of all dreams, plans and etc.

- You have something in your mind? Take action immediately or write it down on a piece of paper and think of objectives to reach what is in your mind. Don't forget WHY? HOW? and WHEN? Put that piece of paper on your table for you to see it.
- You have a list of tasks. Decide on the time to do them, when the assigned time comes, sit and use your CONCENTRATION to do the job and to finish it. CONCENTRATION is the key.
- Keep track of all the tasks you finished on time, reward yourself (look at do something new every day).

Minimalism (In terms of possessions, friends and etc.) Why? Because life is limited, you cannot waste it on something that is not worth of your attention.

IMPROVEMENTS NEEDED I budget my money so I wouldn't end up compulsively buying things I don't need.
- Before buying an item, I think twice whether I really need it.
WELL DONE I will sell things I don't need anymore.
IMPROVING I will talk to new people, but I will only maintain a further contact with a minimal number of them (that which I am comfortable with).

Truthfulness and honesty. If I don't like something I admit it to myself. I f I don't like how other treat me, I tell them that in a polite, but strict way. I don’t lie to myself. Why? Because you want to be who you feel you are, no masks!

PERFECT!

-Confront people who are acting against your wish/your agreement. Ask people a simple question: Why?
- If I don't feel like doing something (a trip, meeting someone) I just don't do it.

I am funny, witty and relaxed. I know how to enjoy life. I don't take life too seriously. I see humor all around me. I seek for opportunities to laugh every day. Surround yourself with fun loving people.
Why this value? Because life is meant to be not only a hard work.

- I monitor my "being too serious" mode. If I am into that, I go somewhere else, breathe in some fresh air and relax.
- I watch something very funny (a comedy, a stand up) at least once a week.
- I tell people jokes.

I have strong boundaries. I communicate my feelings in a healthy way. Hell yeah or hell no principle. There’s no middle ground. It can be applied in business, romance and etc. Why this? Because, once again, life is a limited resource, thus, you have to know when to say yes and when to say no.

HAVING THIS PRINCIPLE IN MY MIND< BUT NO ACTION FOLLOWS< SOME THINGS WERE DONE NOT USING THIS PRINCIPLE! apply the Hell yeah and hell no article in your dating life, work, friendships and your personal life!

Paradoxically, although most addicts eventually abandon goal-setting and other achievement-oriented life management methods, they continue to experience a great deal of shame for the inability to manage their lives.

It's more immediately satisfying to have an affair, or to engage in some other emotion-altering behavior — and thus temporarily fulfill their need for intimacy or social acceptance; than it would be to take the necessary steps to permanently develop such values.

You cannot control whether or not the house you put all of your resources into will get hit by lightning and burn to the ground. You cannot control whether or not you will be recognized as Employee of the Month or Mother of the Year. You can certainly influence their outcomes, but some aspect of each will forever remain beyond your control. The trick then, is to learn to manage those things that you can control.

You can control your intentions. You can control your behavior. You can control your values. And, you can control how you use these things to manage your response to any situation.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:27 am 
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Lesson 33

At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of the seven days? Post your assessment in your thread.

For 5 days I made a great effort. the last 2 days I got sloppy, but here are the thing that I learnt from monitoring my emotions:

1. You can alter your emotional state by changing your attitude towards a stressful situation.
2. It is a great practice to learn to monitor your emotions as you become more aware of them and, thus, being able to control them and your day/week/ life easier.
3. By monitoring your emotions and being more aware of them you become more accepting (you accept what is happening here and now easier). Fear and anxiety becomes less o f a problem (you become more aware of these two emotions too, and it is easier to control them/stop them.
4. Being aware of your emotions in critical life situations (divorce, illness, stressful day) can help you to cope with life easier, and avoid unnecessary compulsive behaviors, then you can implement healthier stress management techniques.

Lesson 34

Immediate gratification situation

A. I know I shouldn't watch images of naked women on the Internet. I know I shouldn't watch porn. It will damage my sexuality, sex life, morals and etc.

B. I still feel anxious, because I am alone and I feel lonely, and I want a bit of pleasure, what can be wrong with a bit of pleasure (Still associating porn with pleasure, but at the same time knowing inside that what I am doing is not right).

C. ....but at the same time knowing inside that what I am doing is not right. It becomes an ocean of mixed feeling. At first pleasure (instant gratification), I masturbate and it gives me pleasure, but meanwhile I feel that it is not right, after an orgasm I feel ashamed. What I have watched is terrible. The level of porn is escalated, thus the feeling of guilt and shame is imense, I just see 2 parts (I want to do it and I will do what is pleasurable, the other part being, oh damn was it really worth it?

THESE 2 MAIN PARTS ARE PROMINENT OUTSIDE OF MY PORN ADDICTION AS WELL (WHICH IS REALITY).


Last edited by meadowlark on Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2017 4:37 pm 
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Lesson 35

Health Monitoring II

Day 1

I search for ways to save up money by budgeting my income.
I search for ways to earn extra money.

Day 2

I search for ways to save up money by budgeting my income.
I search for ways to earn extra money.

Day 3

Today I will be decisive where possible.
I will not worry about anything. I will accept the situation as it is and will take an appropriate action.

Day 4

Today I will be decisive where possible.
I will not worry about anything. I will accept the situation as it is and will take an appropriate action.
Day 5

This will be a Friday. A day in a week where I procrastinate the most.
Today I will not procrastinate any tasks that are in my mind. I will prioratize those tasks.
I will not worry about anything. I will accept the situation as it is and will take an appropriate action.
Day 6
Today I will not procrastinate any tasks that are in my mind. I will prioratize those tasks.
I will not worry about anything. I will accept the situation as it is and will take an appropriate action.
Day 7 I will find oportunities to meditate peacefully, without interruptions or distractions.
I will not worry about anything. I will accept the situation as it is and will take an appropriate action.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2017 10:36 am 
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Lesson 36

Role of Boundaries

I hooked up with a girl quickly (In 1-2 days).
We had sex (porn like sex) the girl said that she will sleep with another man if I wouldn't have sex with her again.
I didn't have sex with her at that time (somehow had my booundaries in place), but I invited her to my house once again later for the purpose of sex (lost my boundaries).

I actually had one situation in which I left the girl because she started flirting with another man just to make me jealous. What girls do I meet, I know... it's not good!
Raise the quality of the women you meet. date only the girls that don't cross basic principles, so you will feel better (it's not granted, but your inner boundaries are very important.


Lesson 37


1. I am funny, witty and relaxed. I know how to enjoy life. I don't take life too seriously. I see humour all around me. I seek for opportunities to laugh every day. Surround yourself with fun loving people.

I. I can make fun out of various life situations, but I don't use a negative sarcasm
II. If people laugh from me, if they cross the boundaries and insult me, that doesn't sound like friendship, hence bye bye to such people.
III. Hell Yes and Hell no principle, if you you have fun being around these people, say Yeah! meet them again and again (don't forget that you have to also find time for yourself, so don't lose yourself in companies of other people.
IV. Search for new ways to enjoy life. They can be very simple.
V. If you feel unhappy, do something that might at least calm your mind.

2. I respect myself so I finish the job that I started. I don’t procrastinate.

I. I Prioratize my tasks.
II. If I have something in my mind that is very important, or I just want to try it out, do it! as fast as possible! tomorrow is not granted!
III. Always now WHY you should be doing things as fastly as possible (time is a limited resource) Pleasure! You do something today, you have more time tomorrow!
IV. Always know that procrastination is the killer of your dreams.
V. Don't go to extremes! Trying to always do everything fast can make you anxious! You want the opposite! relaxation, more time, and you shoud use this principle of not procrastinating for this particular reason.

3. I am well organized (planning my days/weeks/months in advance) I stay focused on one task (I don't get distracted so easily).

I. Plan days with a potentially stressful schedule. Find time for meditation and yourself during such days.
II. Write down a plan of the day and stick to it! THis plan is your boundary. Know in which parts of the day spontenuity is allowed!
III. Spontaneity is for entertainment, not for chaos or distruction.
IV. Be flexible. Think outside the box if something goes out of hand.
V. Be prepared for unpredictable things. Accept what happened during the day, let it go. The next day will come. Smile:)

4. Decisiveness.

I. Make a decision, yes or no. There is no maybe.
II. If you need more TIME. Give yourself more time to make a decision.
III. Be tenacious. Others will try to change your opinion, you decision, but if you know WHY you want one or another thing, YOU know.
IV. Respect other people's decisions. If they said no or were shaky, it means no. No is no :)
V. Make decision, experiment, but accept the consequences.

5. I associate alcohol with pain. Alcohol has played a negative role throughout my whole life

I. Don't let other trick you into drinking alcohol. You know your reason why you don't drink. You don't have to explain them to others (except close relations). Say that you are on a 1 year challenge or something like this.
II. If a girl wants you to drink alcohol, no man! Juat because you want sex, doesn't mean you have to drink.
III. No cheating, no sipping, no tasting!
IV. Know WHy you don't drink. Energy levels, health, other days. BE happy because you choice this lifestyle!
V. If in your mind you have thoughts that might lead you to alcohol - asocciate alcohol with pain, pain , a lot of pain.

ABSOLUTE VALUES:


I don't lie to myself. (THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN ACTUALLY) this is why I am where I am now. This is my ULTIMATE VALUE.
If I make a mistake/ have a problem I fix it as a grown adult, I take responsibility.
I don't procrastinate! I keep to my promises! Time is a limited resource!

Lesson 38

Non-sexual. My friend wants me to go with him to a bar (Deep inside I don't want to waste my time on a bar on that praticular day). I will say no, but my firend might be very persistent. I wrote "Be tenacious" So in this case I am quite safe in keeping my boundaries.

Sexual.

I have thoughts of watching pics of naked women on the Internet. Well I have decided that I am not a man who watches such material, I associate this stuff with pain. It is not porn but it is the first element that would lead to it, masturbation with fantasy as well, so ... so!! you made a decision in your life, this is your boundary, that you shouldn't cross.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2017 12:43 pm 
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Posts: 39
Lesson 39

Nowhere is the objectification of others (and the destructive effects of sexual compulsivity on boundaries) more clear than in the use of porn.

Step 1

sexually-related values that you currently hold

Women look neater in porn videos.
In reality people don't look so neat as in porn.
Pornography causes a severe addiction.
Masturbation can cause an addiction. (It's an addiction).
Healthy masturbation is possible for a lot of people probably, but for me it is dangerous now, unless I could control the chaser effect afterwards or the following thoughts, which would be too difficult to do at this stage of my recovery.
Women are not objects.
Women want sex, even more than men.
Chubby women are sexier that the skinny ones.
I like "69" position.
I like oral sex.
Having a one night stand is a temporary gratification which will eventually lead to a moral decay immediately afterwards.
Real sex would be better than porn if I could find an attractive partner.
Sex can lead to pregnancy, thus, sex could be a source of anxiety, especially if it was/happened to be by accident an unprotected one.
Other people can also be sex addicts, porn addicts and etc. I should be aware of that and protect my boundaries.
Natural beauty is better than fakeness.
Making sex a top priority will deteriorate other spheres of your life. A balance must be found.
From this lesson I learnt that sexual boundaries exist, and other people have them.
I like women who look natural, I am attracted to them, I would like to touch them caress them and etc.
Woman's face is an important part of determining whether you are attracted to her. It is not only her ass or belly. This would be objectifying.
Having certain fetishes is making you a slave as you choose to approach a woman or to continue dating her not because you like her as a person, but because you are compulsively seeking to obtain one detail of her body (objectifying).
it is better to not get intimate with a woman too soon.
cheating is wrong.
i don't need to orgasm to enjoy sex. It becomes even more passionate.
Finding a girlfriend just for the purpose of sex is not okey.
women want to be touched and loved. they want intimacy.
kissing is a wonderful act of intimacy.
promisquity is degrading.
women bellies are sexy.
Foreplay is very important, it should be performed with a partner you are very attracted to.

step 2 my sexual values.

At first I communicate with a woman and only then I become intimate with her if it is a mutual wish. I will not engage into sex too fast. I will be patient.
I will not consider sex as a life's top priority. Yes, I will enjoy it, but it won't be above all other things. I will be able to do other tasks, enjoy other life events and will not get addicted to sex.
I will only enjoy real experience (no porn or other artificial means)

step 3 filtered sexual values to support step 2

At first I communicate with a woman and only then I become intimate with her if it is a mutual wish. I will not engage into sex too fast. I will be patient.

Women are not objects.
Sex can lead to pregnancy, thus, sex could be a source of anxiety, especially if it was/happened to be by accident an unprotected one.
Chubby women are sexier that the skinny ones.
Woman's face is an important part of determining whether you are attracted to her. It is not only her ass or belly. This would be objectifying.
Having certain fetishes is making you a slave as you choose to approach a woman or to continue dating her not because you like her as a person, but because you are compulsively seeking to obtain one detail of her body (objectifying).

I will not consider sex as a life's top priority. Yes, I will enjoy it, but it won't be above all other things. I will be able to do other tasks, enjoy other life events and will not get addicted to sex.

Making sex a top priority will deteriorate other spheres of your life. A balance must be found.
promisquity is degrading.

I will only enjoy real experience (no porn or other artificial means)

Natural beauty is better than fakeness.
Pornography causes a severe addiction.

Step 7

BOUNDARIES FOR MY SEXUAL VALUES

At first I communicate with a woman and only then I become intimate with her if it is a mutual wish. I will not engage into sex too fast. I will be patient.

If I don't feel comfortable with the sexual situation, level of intimacy, I don't lie to myself and don't waste the girl's time. Hell yeh and hell no principle.

I will not consider sex as a life's top priority. Yes, I will enjoy it, but it won't be above all other things. I will be able to do other tasks, enjoy other life events and will not get addicted to sex.

I cannot delay or postpone the things that I have planned to reach my day's, month's year's goals just because I want to engage into sex again and again and again and again (yes, I overephisized, because it is what it is, compulsion is never an option)

I will only enjoy real experience (no porn or other artificial means)

If you have one you lose the other. You cannot have two at the same time, better choose reality as it is :)


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 7:19 am 
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Posts: 39
Lesson 40

No matter how good of a partner you feel you have been, unless you can honestly say that you know the boundaries of your partner and hold those boundaries in reverence, you are not a good partner.

I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.

One of my friend doesn't like when I give some explicit sexual/violence examples, while talking about life. I have asked him to warn me when I start talking about uncomfortable things to him (not necessarily sexual or violent). Now he does that :)

II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.

I should stop immediately. His boundaries are his, not mine so I should respect those even if I don't agree with his view.

III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.

I apologize and explain that I didn't know that a particular thing was uncomfortable for him. Later on I will avoid the topic/action and etc.

Lesson 41

I have learnt that boundaries are very important in protecting your core values.
I have learnt that in the same manner other people protect their values, thus, respecting their boundaries is very important.
Decision making and boundaries. According to my values and the boundaries that PROTECT THOSE VALUES I can manage my life! E.g. if I have an important thing to do for my life aims this evening, I will not meet with my friend who says: come come on! Let's do it (your boundaries protect your value!)
I have learnt that my boundaries will evolve as my values change, become more sustained and as I add new values, new visions in my life!

Lesson 42

Point of no return for me might be watching porn, it might be an arranged tinder date. STOPS occur while watching images, vanilla porn. NOW I AM VERY AWARE OF THE FIRST ELEMENTS IN THESE ADDICTION CHAINS.
Porn and alcohol go hand in hand in my case. If alcohol is consumed there is a 90% chance I will use pornography.
Compulsive chains simply helped me to deal with some negative emotions and states, like anger, being tired. It was my life management strategy. Isolation was also. Isolation and addictions are no longer needed for managing my life. I truly believe in this.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:11 am 
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Posts: 39
43 - Urge Control: Awareness

The Urge Control Awareness form is very useful. I have found it even before this lesson ( I am inquisitve ) :)

This morning I had an urge to masturbate. I simply didn't. There was no wish to watch porn, no sexual fantasies, I was just horny. This may be because I thought about sleeping with a woman the previous day, how it would feel, how I would like to touch a woman's body. I consider these thoughts quite healthy, they are not porn thoughts :) However the danger is still here, and the line is thin.

I NEED A HEALTHY TRANSITION, NOT TRANSFORMING MY ADDICTION INTO A GIRL'S BODY.

Thoughs that stopped me from masturbating:

-This will drain my vital energy (the thing I wrote here on Recovery Nation)
-I may get a chaser effect and it will be way more difficult to refrain from masturbation/overmasturbating later on. (the thing I wrote here on RN, I emphasize this, because I consider important what I've written here on this website).
- I also thought about sexual transmutation, how this recovery can help me focus more on my life aims and this second element (Let us say my masturbation was triggered by the thoughts from yesterday), this second element is not worth it, it's not worth to engage into this second element.

The first element (thinking about sex with a real girl) seems really healthy, but from my own experience I know that there is a thin line between doing something "healthily" (convincing yourself that this is healthy), but then quickly sliding back into addiction. And yet again! Trap! NOP! Not gonna happen!

Refering back to my reasons WHY, why I am here, in this recovery, really helps me :) My values are are still being developed, life managing skills too, but they already help me to avoid fire, at least so far.

Thanks RN!

Will be using the Urge Awareness form for more insight in the future:)

44 - Urge Control: Your Core Identity

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.

From my genuine core identity the values, boundaries, decisions and commitments will arise. This will add spice in my life as without it I may be abstinent, but will I truly be living? Probably not even truly living, but at the same time waiting for another relapse to happen, be it after 2 months, 8 months, 2 years, 10 years, if my core identity will stop developing, my life will get stagnant and the old ways may reappear. Should this incorporate fear in my identity? NO! The opposite is true. It should be bravery.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.

I will simply learn from each experience. I will accept the consequences and will surely move on. value-based decisions in my opinion don't grant an easy life, but it offers a better one than addiction :) I want to be in control of my life, not the opposite.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

I am not completely in tune with my Identity. There are still some moments in my life where I have doubts (Is it the right thing, will I have regrets?) or some boundaries of mine are violated (not to an extreme degree, and I am more aware so it is easier to come back). FEAR DOUBT and REGRET. I am consolidating my identity on these 3. There are some other spheres I need improvement as well. No destructive behaviors so far, but some decisions that were made while I was an addict forces me to face consequences at this moment in my life. It is connected with my job, not having a girlfriend, but anyways, everything seems to be improving :)


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 8:51 am 
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Posts: 39
45 - Urge Control: Isolating the Emotions

1. I meet nice girls. I am not attracted to them. They show me attention. I don't know how to react. (Serenity)
2. I leave them, I don't ask them out. (Confusion)
3, I start thinking about how I could have used them for a sexual gratification. (Frustration) point of no return
4. I have sexual fantasies. (this easies my anxiety, regret) - point of no return
5. I want to find that girl. (desperation)
6. I search for that girl.I start talking to other girls. (desperation)
7. If she doesnt agree to meet, the porn or masturbation chain could start. (Seeking for instant gratification to muck the feelings of regret, sexual frustration, anger etc.)

Most of the time Fantasies are the point of no return for me.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 12:27 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hi ML


Quote:
Most of the time Fantasies are the point of no return for me


but remember they do not have to be
you can change this fact by choice, all (and it sounds easy because it actually is) that you need to do is choose
choose wisely
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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