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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 7:16 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3913
Location: UK
Hello ML
Quote:
What can I do now

you know the answer to your question
in simple terms make value based choices not emotional ones
Choosing recovery is easy, attaining it certainly is not because we addicts deny and excuse etal

Change is inevitable so please choose the direction of travel carefully

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 2:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 69
November 2019

Guilt and shame lasted for about 1 day until I realized what was really happening with me during this period, and what I needed to realize and what action to take :) I quickly revisited the first lessons of RN + my posts, and it calmed me down. What lesson have I learnt?
1. I needed to update my vision and goals. I stopped having and reaching goals. My life became stagnant. I was comfortable with where I was (and it is truly a good place to be, but with no further objectives...).
2. A long period of time without intimate relationships is not good for that leads to sexless life, and celibacy is not for me, I know how I lack human connection. What erotic material I searched? I typed in "making love". hah isn't it ironic? This is what I want :) I didn't type in those nasty titles that I used to. BUT: "making love" not just "having sex" doesn't come that easy, I cannot find a fast fix for that; it's not porn. It takes time, finding a partner that at least is capable of healthy communication and understanding. So at the same time I lost my patience (being horny makes it even worse hah :) I know the repercussions of sleeping with a low quality woman, and I am damn sure how I don't want that feeling again. Thus my masturbation to an erotic scene wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, but definitely it is also not what I am aiming for in this life :pe: and I know it well that this could lead to multiple orgasms, full-blown relapses and etc. emotions overtaking values.
3. My values became not so practical anymore. Values in my head, but not in action. Or even out of my head.
4. I shouldn't have abandoned my monthly journaling. Sitting and writing on a piece of paper where my thoughts have wondered that particular month is of great value. It just took 2 months for the complacency to kick in, and now I understand the principle and the reason of monthly and later on quarterly reports even more. I had these thoughts in my mind: I have to sleep with a woman (desperation) I have to, because I am a man. Writing these thoughts down and weighing them with values is really important.

To this day, I feel the tools provided here on RN are in place again. I continue with my life, and after masturbation I don't feel that horny, but will I wait for another "horny spell" where I haven't improved much, where I didn't have the courage to talk to a woman that I find attractive, stopped dating, stopped improving my career, my life. I better not. I better live my life according to my values and most importantly my vision.

+ took up dancing classes
+became a sponsor in 12 step program.
+my daily schedule and action plans are being successfully implemented.
+I take care of myself and others.
+I practice self-acceptance and self-love.
+I am being completely honest with you.

No image of a naked woman on the screen will ever make me happy. It is just a distraction from what I truly want. It is a short gratification.
Even just looking at those without masturbation can bring me to the moods/behaviors of the past.

Thanks Kenzo for the response.
Stay healthy everyone :)


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2019 3:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 69
December 2019

What have I learned from the previous relapse, and how do I continue my journey?

- Now I only focus on 6 spheres in my life. I focused on many more before the last relapse, and I couldn't maintain depth in any of those spheres.

- Maintaining PATIENCE. (with women and career) it is essential!
bettering my life instead of chasing women. Faith = Patience.

- Planning my holidays (Christmas and New Year) and finances.

-More understanding about connection with a woman vs. lust.

-When ego gets involved, I have to become more vigilant. Take action.

-I have to develop myself as a man.

- putting worth on sex. Sex vs. making love. 2 different things.

-having faith leads to more order. Spiritual life or purpose helps a lot. If I lose that (don't do anything about it, I am doomed to fall back into an old pattern of ehh... everything is relative. I have to get as much as I can from today, because tomorrow is not granted (leading to certain thoughts, leading to certain actions).


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 9:05 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 69
January 2020

Christmas and New Year celibration went well. At some point I felt alone, but I accepted this feeling without much suffering. I dated 2 women, but simply decided to continue with neither. It was a tough decision, but it's definitely for the better. One was kinda disrespectful, and her values/worldview didn't match mine. I could have had sex with her (she was willing), but I realized that it would be a terrible idea, as for after that I wouldn't have wanted to deal with her anymore.

Where did I improve? 1. Platonic relationships 2. Time manangement 3. Understanding myself better 4. Read a few books 5. Enjoyed my holidays as never before

Everything seems fine at this point. No relapses, no slips.

One saying hit me this month (can't remember where I read it, but I found it inspirational and related to porn addiction) Your eyes are like your mouth.
I can see erotic images everywhere (in the city, on social media, you're always bombarded with those triggers) Even some people may get you off track, ohh you know it's nothing bad, it's just porn, it's just tinder, it's just sex, but as for a person who suffered from porn in the past IT IS NEVER IT'S JUST. I'm so glad that I've changed my perspective on this, Today I feel free, what tomorrow brings, I know and I don't know, but I'm hopeful.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 12:08 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 417
Hi ML,

You said:
Quote:
I could have had sex with her (she was willing), but I realized that it would be a terrible idea, as for after that I wouldn't have wanted to deal with her anymore.

Your thread often shows posts where you have been hard on yourself, say after a slip or relapse. This statement reads to me that you are showing some real maturity. On the basis that our addiction is caused by an emotional immaturity towards, say, stressful situations according to CoachJon, this is progress that you should acknowledge in yourself. Walking away is not an easy thing for us to do so you should give yourself credit for this.

You also say:
Quote:
IT IS NEVER IT'S JUST

Another very perceptive conclusion to reach. I like to compare our addiction to that of an alcoholic. One glass of wine is fine for most people, they can drink that and be comfortable not having any more. An alcoholic on the other hand does not know when to stop and it is never enough. Likewise, a non-SA can look at these images and it will have little or no effect on them but if we know that they will trigger us then we need to stay away from them.

Keep it going!

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:17 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 69
Thanks learningtorun for your response. :g:

Here is what's been going on in my head all of these passing months:

- (Vision) reaching goals requires a lot of patience. "Rome wasn't built in a day", but I know where I'm heading to. It's a good feeling.
- (Vision) creativity is not always granted so I better use it when I'm inspired.
- (Relationships) fear of intimacy or rejection; these are only in my mind, I don't want to get attached to the outcome that I create in my mind.
- (Self-love) I am still sometimes too harsh on myself. Trying to write more positively in my journal.
- (Dating) There is still some place for improvement in terms of choosing what women I want to date and why. I can't waist time on "Maybes". This realisation came to me after several dates, on which I met some really interesting women, but not so compatible (values/attraction/goals/interests etc.). I am improving and gaining practical knowledge on relationships.
- (Emptiness inside) I haven't had any romantic relationships for over a year now. Do I feel prepared for one? Yes, I think I am. I just know that getting into a relatively healthy relationship is better than not having any at all. Just don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons they say. It's true. I don't feel so vapid as I used to many years ago. I don't need anyone/anything to fill the void. I put value on sex, it's not just fun or something like that, it is also intended for connection. Thus, I don't need a partner just for sex. It is not the case. I know that I cannot share experiences/my life with porn on the screen.
- (Addiction) I need to accept more life. By doing so I distance myself from PMO, from what is not real and fake.

- (Values) I don't get any sexual imiges in my head. Distancing myself from masturbation and fetishes really strengthens my values. I understand my values and feel how I extract more meaning out of them rather than from chasing women, fantasizing, scamming, browsing for images or whatever.
-(Practicality) I thing about Practical values every day. I implement them in the planning of my days.
- (The Past) Randomly met my ex-girlfriend, I didn't fantasize about sex, didn't try to seduce her or anything. I'm proud of this. She noticed that I matured as a person.

-(Difficulties) Life challanges are difficult, experiencing some emotions and feelings (like rejection, jelousy, enthusiasm and then loss of enthusiasm, betrayal ,loneliness, boredom and etc.) isn't easy, but it is totally worth it as it makes me a stronger person. When you acccept things and feelings as they are it can actually become fun to cruise through life. It's a mind shift that I am grateful for.
-(Action plans) planning my weeks, but not months or years. (place for improvement).
-(Optimum) focusing only on 6 main spheres of life helps a lot. I feel that a more profound involvement in those spheres are possible like that.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2020 2:26 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3913
Location: UK
ML
in early December you said
Quote:
how do I continue my journey?


three months on I ask that you reflect on that very question
it has been a while I do hope that all is well :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2020 6:24 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 69
APRIL 2020

It's been a while since I wrote here. I thought that quarantine will be very challenging in terms of addictions (spending more time at home, feelings of loneliness and boredom). On the contrary, I feel better, I sleep better and I am financially stable because I work online, and I have new goals. One of my acquaintances sent me a provoking video, but I was like: It's not for me, I value different things, thus the video was deleted by me :)

I hope all is well with you guys here :) staying positive and enjoying life as it is :g: (even in quarantine :s: )


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2020 12:49 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 69
JUNE 2020

Last week was a bit tough, I experienced urges to watch porn. It was all after a wet dream :s: ( it's usually when I am most susceptible.)
I also experienced some mind games. One of those was: I can just take a look at some porn sites to clarify how nasty they are... then well, I can visit for educational reasons... damn! it is really strange to admit, but I really have these thoughts. I have to be really careful :pe:
the most difficult stage in my recovery is beating complacency. Some weeks are swift, and it seems that I will never have even a single thought of visiting those websites, life is great and there is no reason to do it, but then... another week, I get tired, I feel lonely + it's quarantine and my old thinking knocks on the door.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2020 1:32 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3913
Location: UK
Hello ML
Quote:
clarify how nasty they are... I can visit for educational reasons...



Quote:
but then... another week, I get tired, I feel lonely

" I make up excuses"?????????????????????????????

come on you get the theory we know that, but putting theory into practice, prove to yourself that you can and do , do this :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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