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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:14 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
Lessson1, Question 1

Where am I now with:

i) Actively commiting myself to change - I am conning myself in this area. I am reading lots of recovery literature, attending Counselling sessions and group meetings, however I still engage in the same leading behaviours and hold onto unhealthy attitudes. I spend lots of times objectifying women on the internet and in many life settings. I take myself too seriously and I am always looking to take the role of victim giving me a justification to resent others and isolate.
ii) Guilt /shame to sabotage my commitment to change - These feelings constantly hold me back at the moment. Until now, I did not want to look into the reasons why I was struggling with long periods of emotional pain. I did not want to recognise this pain was a result of guilt and shame around compulsive masturabation and visiting escorts and massage parlours.
iii) Allowing myself to change - I am impatient at present. I see any new recovery literature or internet material as an instance fix to my addiction. I whiteknuckle sobriety and do not place too much attention into imrpoving my emotional maturity/intelligence and physcological well being. I am starting to be more kinder to myself by recognising that recovery is about progress not perfectionism.

Question 2

What Permanent Changes do I want in my Life:

1) To accept & be comfortable with who I am.
2) To have boundaried and healthy relationships with people.
3) I want to be honest and transparent with my wife.
4) I want to be more emotionally supportive to wife and children.
5) To care of emotional and physical needs in a healthy way.
6) To trust myself and others,
7) To recognise past life experiences as a learning experience.
8) To be more purposeful in all areas of my life.
9) To respect, love and cherish my wife.
10) To live life in the moment.
11) To release resentment of others.
12) To develop kindness and compassion for myself and others.
13) I want to understand & appreciate my strengths and defects of character.

Question 3

Looking at my Child photo:

I was numb, sad and empty inside. I tried to connect to the little boy who was had the expression of innocent joy and happiness in the photo but it felt so uncomfortable. The sadness brought a tears to my eyes. I think I will try again later into recovery after completing a few more lessons.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2019 10:40 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3860
Location: UK
Hello Augustus
and welcome to RN

Quote:
Actively commiting myself to change - I am conning myself in this area. I am reading lots of recovery literature, attending Counselling sessions and group meetings, however I still engage in the same leading behaviours and hold onto unhealthy attitudes


realise that these are simply your choices

Quote:
To accept & be comfortable with who I am.


perhaps this would be better as "with whom I strive to be" ?


To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2019 11:05 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
Thank you for your guidance and help Kenzo.

Kind regards

Mark


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2019 5:28 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
Going Foward:-

To be a devouted Husband, Father and Grandfather. To be faithful to my Wife in deed and in physical intimacy. To be honest with myself and others about my emotions and needs. To make a life time commitment to develop my sprituality through meditation and prayer. To continue to volunteer helping others who are suffering in deed and through guidance. To stay connected to recovery groups by being of service and to be willing to receive help and guidance from others. To be kind and compassionate to myself and learn to like who I am. To prioritise walking in the countryside and to develop love for nature. To write more often on my blog and learn to play the guitar. To read more and develop my intellect with a view to becoming more balance and objective in all areas of my life.


Last edited by augustus on Sat Nov 30, 2019 4:29 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 2:56 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 170
Hi augustus,
It is good to see that you have started the workshop and I wish you every success in finding a healthy recovery.
1 tip for you is to keep your posts in 1 thread by hitting the "reply" button, also make sure you use the "Self-Help Recovery Thread"

It makes things a lot easier for coaches, mentors and others to follow your progress.
:g:

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 1:28 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3860
Location: UK
Hello Augustus
I echo T's tip regarding the reply and not the new topic key when posting

also I note that you duplicated this in the community forum, that forum being the tool for questions and requessts for guidance etc

now your vision
this appears to me as being "the next box ticked"
three lines to provide inspiration and aspiration for the rest of your time :pe: :pe:

it is very narrow in scope
Family is extremely important but life is so much more
why not read coach Mel's how to , found in this forum and then expand your vision
believe me the more pillars supporting your recovery the better

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 2:05 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
My value system going forward:-

1) To act with love and compassion.
2) Strengthening my emotional intelligence.
3) To be a better and active Father.
4) To be a better and active Grandfather.
5) To strengthen my concentration on the present.
6) Strenghening my Buddhist sprituality.
7) Develop meditation in my life.
8) Develop kindness and acceptance of others in all my relationships.
9) Not to embrace the role of being the victim in life situations.
10.) Strengthen emotional intimacy with my wife.
11) Engage in recovery actions daily.
12) To be of service in addiction recovery groups.
13) Continue to volunteer with charity organisations.
14) To be a positive role model for my children.
15) To be kind & like myself.
16) To be faithful sexually to my wife.
17) Developing open-mindedness.
18) Developing gratitude in all areas of my life.
19) To be a better co-worker.
20) Act positive to others and myself.
21) Not to be over sensitive when handling matters linked to me.
22) To develop a healthy sense of humour.
23) Embrace my love for music and writing.
24) Become more open,honest and vulnerable in my relationships.
25) Take myself less seriously.
26) Develop a sense of responsibility at work and with the Family.
27) Humbleness.
28) Humility.
29) Recognise my limitations and to let go of perfectionism.
30) Addiction sponsoring.
31) Strive for inner peace and happiness.
32) Healthier work/life balance.
33) Develop forgiveness in my personality.
34) Support and provide healthy guidance to my childen and grandchildren.
35) Allow fun in my life.
36) Accepting and recieving love.
37) Establishing my legacy.
38) Improving self discipline.
39) Step away from unnecessary conflict.
40) Developing patience.
41) Feeling appreciated.
42) Becoming more reliable.
43) Accepting of the present moment.
44) Developing intellectual depth.
45) Embrace and continue to travel.
46) Open minded to the belief and values of others.
47) Talk about and own my feelings.
48) Love and care for nature and the environment.
49) Develop emotional maturity.
50) Love, respect and honour my wife.


Values for the Darkside in Sexual Addiction:-

1) Seeking love and to be sexually desired.
2) To be in control.
3) Experiencing Euphoria.
4) Feeling appreciated.
5) Feeling empowered.
6) Tackling depression.
7) Seeking pleasure and excitment.
8) Social connection.
9) To escape emotions.
10) To develop self confidence.
11) To tackle boredom.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 2:59 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 170
Hi again Augustus,

I don't know if you read the replies on your lesson 2, but please use 1 thread for all your lessons by clicking the "reply" button.
That way we can monitor your progress and give advice or make comments much more easily.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2019 6:08 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
My value system going forward:-

1) To act with love and compassion.
2) Strengthening my emotional intelligence.
3) To be a better and active Father.
4) To be a better and active Grandfather.
5) To strengthen my concentration on the present.
6) Strenghening my Buddhist sprituality.
7) Develop meditation in my life.
8) Develop kindness and acceptance of others in all my relationships.
9) Not to embrace the role of being the victim in life situations.
10.) Strengthen emotional intimacy with my wife.
11) Engage in recovery actions daily.
12) To be of service in addiction recovery groups.
13) Continue to volunteer with charity organisations.
14) To be a positive role model for my children.
15) To be kind & like myself.
16) To be faithful sexually to my wife.
17) Developing open-mindedness.
18) Developing gratitude in all areas of my life.
19) To be a better co-worker.
20) Act positive to others and myself.
21) Not to be over sensitive when handling matters linked to me.
22) To develop a healthy sense of humour.
23) Embrace my love for music and writing.
24) Become more open,honest and vulnerable in my relationships.
25) Take myself less seriously.
26) Develop a sense of responsibility at work and with the Family.
27) Humbleness.
28) Humility.
29) Recognise my limitations and to let go of perfectionism.
30) Addiction sponsoring.
31) Strive for inner peace and happiness.
32) Healthier work/life balance.
33) Develop forgiveness in my personality.
34) Support and provide healthy guidance to my childen and grandchildren.
35) Allow fun in my life.
36) Accepting and recieving love.
37) Establishing my legacy.
38) Improving self discipline.
39) Step away from unnecessary conflict.
40) Developing patience.
41) Feeling appreciated.
42) Becoming more reliable.
43) Accepting of the present moment.
44) Developing intellectual depth.
45) Embrace and continue to travel.
46) Open minded to the belief and values of others.
47) Talk about and own my feelings.
48) Love and care for nature and the environment.
49) Develop emotional maturity.
50) Love, respect and honour my wife.


Values for the Darkside in Sexual Addiction:-

1) Seeking love and to be sexually desired.
2) To be in control.
3) Experiencing Euphoria.
4) Feeling appreciated.
5) Feeling empowered.
6) Tackling depression.
7) Seeking pleasure and excitment.
8) Social connection.
9) To escape emotions.
10) To develop self confidence.
11) To tackle boredom.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 6:33 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
1) Strength my emotional intelligence and maturity.
2) Become more open, honest and vulnerable in relationships.
3) Develop self discipline.
4) Develop a sense of responsibilty.
5) Reduce the role of playing the victim.
6) To be more purposeful and present as a Husband, Father and Grandfather.
7) To become less sensitive.
8) Step back from unneccesary conflict.
9) To be kind and like myself.
10) To act with love and compassion to my wife.
11) Healthier work life balance.
12) Recognise my limitations and let go of perfectionism.
13) Develop a sense of responsibilty.
14) Strengthening my Buddhist Spirituality.
15) Strengthen my focus and concentration on the present.
16) Continue with charity volunteering.
17) Being patient and accepting of others.
18) Strive for inner peace and contentment.
19) Develop humility.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 7:03 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
1) Strengthen my emotional intelligence and maturity.
2) Develop a sense of responsibilty.
3) Reduce the role of playing the victim in relationships.
4) To become less sensitive.
5) To be more open, honest and vulnerable in relationships.
6) To act with love and compassion to my wife.
7) To be a more purposeful and present as a Husband, Father and Grandfather,
8) Strengthening my Buddhist spirituality.
9) To kind and like myself.
10) Develop my meditation practice to strive for inner peace and contentment.
11) Step back from unnecessary conflict.
12) Strengthen my focus and concentration on the present.
13) Strengthen my sexual relationship with my wife.
14) To develop and spend more time writing my blog, journalling and with photography.
15) To actively commit to a recovery program.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:12 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
1) Strengthen My Emotional Intelligence & Maturity -

i) Not to criticise and talk negatively about my Manager and colleagues to others at work - not to play the role of victim.
ii) Not to sulk or be sullen at work. Look to engage in appropriate conversations and smile more.
iii) Recognise and acknowledge my emotions - Talk to appropriate people about my emotions honestly. (My wife, friends, sponsor and other recovery members).
iv) Develop a sincere interest in the feelings of my wife and children.
v) Remove sarcasm and jealously as actions and feelings in work and family situations.
vi) To see my Wife as a unique person and partner and not someone who serves my practical needs.

2) To be kind and like Myself -

i) Eat more healthly. Less biscuits, chocolate and cake. Drink more water.
ii) Sleep longer at nights.
iii) Practise love and kindness - Talk encouragingly to my wife, colleagues and others. Continue to volunteer in charity work. Recognise that I am not perfect and to look at mistakes as a method of learning. Lood to be kind in word or deed at least once a day.
iv) Socialise more - Go to recovery meetings and buddhist meditation groups more regularly.

3) Step back from Unnecessary Conflict -

i) Not to pass judgement in disputes that do not involve me between colleagues.
ii) Not to express negative opinions of others. Be more objective.


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 Post subject: Relapse
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:42 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
Masturbated twice on Sunday. I did not make any recovery based decisions at all. Fantasy and urges to go to a Thai massage parlour came to me on Sunday morning and I entertained them in my mind. I did not refer to my values list or contact my Sponsor or recovery member. Masturbating at home to YouTube clips of women dressed provocatively and Thai massage clips seemed like a safer option than going to a Thai massage parlour (financially and a less severe cheating option on my wife).

I was anxious about meeting a friends I haven't seen for a while and guilty about not going to my second consequtive recovery meeting. Worried about perceived negative reactions.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 16, 2019 2:40 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
2) Develop a Sense of Responsibilty -

i) Not to turn up late for work. Turn up for work meetings and be confident to express my views and ideas forward.
ii) Ensure I give emotional, practical and material support to my Children and Grandchildren.
iii) To build a healthy emotional and physical initimate partnership with my wife.
iv) To carry out more tasks around the family home - put the bins out, cleaning, ironing and cooking.
v) Take more action around healthy self care. Sleep longer, eat healthier and less, drink more water and meditate more.

3) Reduce the Role of Playing the Victim -

i) Not to associate my poor treatment from my parents as the cause to every difficult/negative situation or feeling I have.
ii) Not to take a passive agressive stance with colleagues, friends and family members in all social situations.
iii) Not to predict and project negative feelings and words on a daily basis without cause.

4) To be less Sensitive -

i) Look to move away from feelings of guilt and shame that are with me on a daily basis.
ii) Accept constructive feedback and criticism with grace and openess.
iii) Take myself less seriously. Laugh at myself when faced with light hearted fun.

5) To be more Open,Honest and Vulnerable in relationships -

i) To talk about my feelings and emotions to my wife and sincerly enquire about how my Wife's feelings and emotions are.
ii) To develop actions of love and kindness into my relationships.
iii) To tell my Sponsor and Group members when I relapse.
iv) To tell people about my negative feelings and emotions I am experiencing when they have wronged me.
v) To reduce the dishonest actions and words on a daily basis.

To be continued....


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
7) Purposeful and present as a Husband, Father and Grandfather

i) To spend more time with the Children, Grandchildren and my Wife and carry out more family tasks - Driving my son to school, take my Grandson to the park, carry out household chores.
ii) Talk to my Wife, Children and Grandson giving emotional support and advice.
iii) To be more reliable and trusted in my deeds for my family.

8) Strengthen my Buddhist Sprituality

i) Meditate daily to improve my practise.
ii) To read more Buddhist text and attend group practice on a regular basis.
iii) To work on adhering to Buddhist values and principles.

12) Strengthen my Focus and Concentration on the now

i) To carry out mindfulness meditation on a regular basis.
ii) Watch mindfulness videos to learn new techniques and to get a better understanding.
iii) Continue counselling and 12 step program to learn how to release past resentments and perceived fears of the future.
iv) Develop open mindedness and listening skills.

13) To Act with Love and Compassion to my Wife

i) To ensure I go out with my Wife on a one to one basis more regularly - dating.
ii) To talk to my wife on a initimate basis giving her emotional support.
iii) To talk about developing a healthy physical relationship with my wife.
iv) Provide regular physical affection to my wife - holding hands, kissing and hugging.

To be continued...


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