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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:49 am 
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Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:40 am
Posts: 4
A quick introduction to start.
I have been actively addicted to pornography, masturbation, voyeurism and exhibitionism for 14 years. Looking back further, i can see that even as a teenager, i was engaged in some unusual mastubatory, voyeuristic and exhibitionist practices, albeit they were relatively innocent and often faded into the background when i was busy.
Before my addiction started with full force, i experienced a period of low libido and erectile dysfunction for about 4 years (in my early twenties). It later turned out that this was due to a hormonal problem. But this experience left scars on me and one of the principal lessons i "learned" was that sex is good, erections are good, libido is good and anything that enhances or contributes to them is good. Hence, porn was great. I had the feeling that, even after my libido returned, some porn would be the extra kick that would ensure that i could definitely perform with my girlfriend (after so many years of erectile dysfunction). I see now how stupid that was, but at the time, it seemed like a great idea. It didn't take long until porn had me firmly in its grasp. I would spend hours looking at it and feel deeply unsatisfied afterwards and also unable to masturbate once the pictures were gone. This scared me (made me think that my sexual difficulties were returning) and drove me on to more and more porn. Images were replaced with short video clips, which were replaced with full videos, soft-core was replaced with hardcore etc. Fear, more than anything, drove me on deeper and deeper into the addiction.
By that stage, i needed porn just to get to a normal state. I was using compulsively despite all of the negative impacts. I then found out about the concept of addiction and started journalling and went a decent stretch of time free of use, but then slipped. I tried again, but slipped after a shorter period of time. Since then, i have been on-again and off-again and had really lost hope of ever being free of this.
Then i found the easypeasy hackbook. It was a revelation to me. It explained that porn wasn't something that was difficult to give up, because it wasn't something that actually brought me any pleasure. It was just a habit that generated its own need for itself, but actually didn't do anything at all for me. It was a revelation because i had always felt like i was "giving something up", (something that was wonderful but had very negative side effects), when in fact i just need to free myself from this poison. Armed with this, my motivation was like new. I felt no cravings and no urge to use, but i relied just on this knowledge, and so after 40 days free, i started to slip and slip and let it happen and then i was using fully again. But something is different. I know that it is rubbish. I know that the thrill is only in the hunt and never in the porn itself. I know that i do not want this sh!tty life for myself anymore and that i want to be free.
But i am scared. I am scared because i have been like this for so long, to be without is like a trip into the unknown and i am scared. I am scared that my brain is an addict's brain and that it is controlled by the addict and that it will whisper incorrect thoughts to me and that i will be convinced to fall again. I am scared that i cannot do it and scared of the failure after so many attempts.
But i must go on. So what if i fail? It is better to have tried and failed than to have lived a life as a slave of the addiction and never fought back.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 10:52 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hello Humbled
and welcome to this proven programme that guarantees success but only if you really want it and work for it
anything less than total commitment does exponentially increase your chance of failure

Quote:
But i am scared. I am scared because i have been like this for so long, to be without is like a trip into the unknown and i am scared. I am scared that my brain is an addict's brain and that it is controlled by the addict and that it will whisper incorrect thoughts to me and that i will be convinced to fall again. I am scared that i cannot do it and scared of the failure after so many attempts
.

of course you fear, how can you cope without your friend?
we all start that way
but believe me addiction is no friend, quite the contrary
ask yourself three simple questions
what does acting out actually give you?
what does acting out actually cost you?
what do you have to lose by deciding to do this?

so if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are your next task they should be positive and about you
so waiting in anticipation
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:35 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:40 am
Posts: 4
Thanks for your encouragement Kenzo.

LESSON 1
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

A 1)
It is an interesting question. At previous attempts I have very actively committed myself to change only to have that motivation wane as time progressed. Right now I don't feel that immense fervour that I have in the past, but I do feel a quiet resolve. I hope to nourish that through consistent work here. I do commit myself to do something here every day and work my way through this workshop , genuinely engaging with it.

2)
Right now I don't feel like guilt or shame will sabotage my efforts. I am prove to both, so when they arise they are a source of stress and anxiety, but I don't feel like they are going to directly block me here.

3)
I will allow myself time to change. In relation to my comments above about being scared, I think it is best to take one day at a time and not try to do it all at once. There are steps that I have to take and I will take them one at a time.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

1. I want to live a life free of secrets
2. I want to live a life I can be proud of
3. I want to be free of dependency
4. I want to get a good amount of sleep every night
5. I want a healthy love life with my wife
6. I want to be faithful and loyal to my wife
7. I want to have time and energy to devote to my children while they are young
8. I want to be free of the burden of guilt
9. I want to develop effective ways of dealing with stressful situations
10. I want to spend time developing real friendships
11. I want to build my marriage and help it to grow strong so that we can grow in our love for each other
12. I want to be free of debilitating stress.
13. I want to never again wait for the results of an STD screen.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 02, 2017 5:14 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:40 am
Posts: 4
LESSON ONE
Addiction in scope of life span
This was an interesting exercise for me. I have young children myself, so I think I found it easier to identify with the innocence and vulnerability of myself as a child.
It made me think about all of the Shane that I felt as a pre-teen. I was not very good at sport, and from about 8 or 9, I had a fear of the shame I would feel when I didn't make the school sports team. It used to keep me awake at night. I think I felt that because my older brothers had made the sports team that it was also expected of me. It seems so crazy now and i would be devastasted to think of my own children lying awake at night fearing some lack of performance for my benefit. But that fear was real for me and so was the sense of shame. Since I had been a boy, I was not very adventurous, I was very cautious in comparison to my peers. Then I noticed that my best friend was much better at sports than me. I felt like I wasn't a proper boy.
I feel great pity for that young boy who was so scared and ashamed. Nobody should feel like that. I was a good kid.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:34 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:40 am
Posts: 4
So my last post was 5 months ago. It is not hard to figure out that I relapsed after that and have been using since. I have thought about coming back here many times since, but have avoided it.
I will start again. It is not as hard as I think right now.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 2:31 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3387
Location: UK
Hello Humbled
glad to see you back

Quote:
I have thought about coming back here many times since, but have avoided it.
I will start again. It is not as hard as I think right now.


You should analyse why you avoided it and learn from that analysis

you say quite correctly that it is not as hard as we believe it to be when in addiction

recovery is not easy but believe me it is easier that the alternative

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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