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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:58 am 
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A) After a few false starts and 'should have..would have..could have's ...I'm finally underway on at least will be a very thorough reconnaisance. I've decided that morning coffee along with 20-30 min here is a good way to structure this although more inclined to introspective thought late at night...

I am not entirely sure that one can just 'heal' What is often referred to as healing is, in fact, potentially altering your essential characteristics and the record of that isn't too promising. As someone dealing with several concurrent issues, I wonder how much is striving to climb to some arbitrary definition or realizing that perhaps there are fundamental characteristics that aren't so 'fundamental'

After-all, one's persons 'normal' is another's deviance.

Often the first response to this musing is this is the addict speaking. They are minimizing their problems and playing a game of relativism.
Perhaps that is correct after-all we all try to reconcile our behaviours by continually re-defining 'normal', ensuring it remains a relative term.

What must be considered in my particular case is the effect this has had on my partner to which I am very upset by. This is someone to whom, I would never let any harm befall, someone who's been far more than just patient. She's done her homework and continues to do so, and for this understanding, I am very grateful.
I've always stated that a relationship is a house of compromises so any redefining of 'normal' must be biased towards and recognize her needs and pain and help to facilitate her healing and healing of our relationship.

Normal cannot be just my definition.

It's big mountain ahead and there are many valleys and passes by which less arduous passage can be made. I'll have to first survey the terrain and see if the tougher route is, indeed, possible.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:59 am 
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Motivation and permanent change.

There are many times, I look at my partner, in those brief periods when she is not in either distress or soaked in resentment, those periods maybe when sharing a breakfast I think about what an amazing person she is. By all rights, she would have been completely justified to up and leave a long time ago. Instead, she chose to try and understand my abhorrent behaviours and to encourage me to re-evaluate and examine, to embark on this ascent of what seems like an unbelievably steep of mountain. She has done this despite being being racked with pain and disappointment. She’s hurt badly and that makes me hurt as well. She’s too good of person to have to suffer this over again.
I could write so much more here and in time, I will but regardless of what the future holds, I have an incalculable debt of gratitude to her.
It guts me to think of the harm this has done to her and know that I did this...
I did something that I would have never have imagined. To hurt someone who has meant so much to me for so long. I hope I can help her to heal and show that, perhaps, I am worthy of her love again.
I don't know. It could very well be too late.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
My "10 to 15" reasons to effect permanent changes;
1) Be rid of compulsive behaviours that are destructive to myself and my partner.
2) Regain her respect. This is a tough one. Respect is like a broken egg and its fracture fundamentally alters the relationship dynamic. I am the 'flawed dog' and being such, it's very difficult to not always be seen as this, regardless of the changes and improvements that must occur. A rather unfortunate ‘typecasting’ that unbalances the relationship.
It is this one, that maybe the most difficult to overcome and will certainly require, firstly, change on my part and secondly….well….let’s see how the first part goes.

3) Allow her to feel secure again. As much as the zeitgeist of today is to eschew traditional roles, my partner needs to feel the security that only a relationship can bring. Without this security, the whole rational for a relationship is in question. I want to be the one to provide that, to make her feel safe, protected and that I would always put her needs first. She is a beautiful but fragile soul who suffered greatly as a child at the hands of a mother who never really understood her and who couldn’t give to her the security and unconditional love she so needed.
I've known forever how she lived in a state of anxiety and fear...skulking down low in the back seat of her mother's car trying desperately to just remain clear of everyone's radar. I've always believed that the day would come when I could be given the chance to provide
the comfort, security and love to her that she so needed.
I had that chance and squandered it and as much as she needs even more, this security in her life, I want to provide it.

4) I need to be free of the compulsive behaviours and free from the opium of inappropriate sexuality and urges.
This is tough. We all have attractions to things that, to others, seem inexplicable. Some of us crave scary roller coasters while others wouldn’t go near. This ‘excitement quotient’ is personal and fundamental to our choices. Whether the taboo holds sway with you or you haven’t the slightest interest whatsoever, point is, wherever you sit on the spectrum, the rational for subsequent decisions would appear to be endogenous although I believe that those choices can exacerbate and quickly ‘normalize’ wherever you are on the ‘inappropriate’ spectrum
I earlier expressed my concern as to how much one can change one’s fundamental makeup. For someone who hates scary roller coasters, it is very easy to make the choice not to ride one…for those of us attracted to such thrills, the choices aren’t so easy.
5) I would like the freedom from the guilt and shame that comes with inappropriate choices. Anytime that choices made are made in secret, a double life starts to form. There is the shiney, smiling one that’s appropriate to present to the public, family and friends then there is the one from within which, all those wrong choices are made from. It is always hoped that the boundaries between the two can be maintained but without fail, there will be cross contamination and the carefully constructed façade will collapse, releasing all those demons so carefully packed away to do immeasurable damage on those within vicinity.
I think there exists in all people, the desire to both have one’s cake and eat it too….after all, why have it if you’re not going to eat it..? This hedonistic approach to life lies at the locus of the conflict. We’re told throughout our lives and the constant message presented to us is to go after the things we desire, that happiness grows from, not a Calvinistic approach to life but rather, the pursuit of those experiences we desire. It’s when those desires run contrary to basic tenants of a relationship, when those choices insult the integrity of a relationship and break the trust on which a relationship is built then a decision must be made.
The level of shame that breaks out when the walls come down make this very hard to deal with. It’s not something that can be easily discussed, like a pie recipe. Blame is immediately apportioned and it isn’t a matter of ‘if’ you did it….but ‘why did you do it’?….or even worse, ‘how could you do it’?
It would be great if we could just hit a ‘reset’ button and start anew, but for reasons I discussed earlier, without fundamental changes made, I am quite certain that any new path would be far too close to the old paths.
I hope work on RN will result in those changes required to set a new path.
More to Come on this.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 9:25 am 
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10 - 15 - Con't

6) Last night was it...when the person I love finally got through my thick head about how much this has hurt her. So #6 Reason for Change has already been mentioned but I wish to drive it home. I did think that I could, as I progress through the program, wean myself of craigs....expecting that the program would do the heavy lifting. I know that 'white knuckling' it doesn't work but continuing to do hurtful behaviours while in recovery isn't an option either. This shall mark Day 1 of 'cold turkey' and time spent on damaging behaviours will be spent here.

7) Find true happiness...or better phrased, true contentment. This morning, I was heartfully reminded that 'You had it all and it's just not enough" The rational self tells me clearly that it is more than enough. I have the most kind, intelligent, beautiful partner in the world but the addict continually says "just a little more..." I am quite certain this continual battle between contentment and malcontent is manifestation of having 're-wired' myself to the point that I am doing things I would prefer not to..hurting people I would normally protect. This constant battle must stop but should the wrong side win, it will, in all likelihood, take me as the final casualty.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 9:25 am 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 6:43 am
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10 - 15 - Con't

6) Last night was it...when the person I love finally got through my thick head about how much this has hurt her. So #6 Reason for Change has already been mentioned but I wish to drive it home. I did think that I could, as I progress through the program, wean myself of craigs....expecting that the program would do the heavy lifting. I know that 'white knuckling' it doesn't work but continuing to do hurtful behaviours while in recovery isn't an option either. This shall mark Day 1 of 'cold turkey' and time spent on damaging behaviours will be spent here.

7) Find true happiness...or better phrased, true contentment. This morning, I was heartfully reminded that 'You had it all and it's just not enough" The rational self tells me clearly that it is more than enough. I have the most kind, intelligent, beautiful partner in the world but the addict continually says "just a little more..." I am quite certain this continual battle between contentment and malcontent is manifestation of having 're-wired' myself to the point that I am doing things I would prefer not to..hurting people I would normally protect. This constant battle must stop but should the wrong side win, it will, in all likelihood, take me as the final casualty.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:03 am 
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8) I would like a rehabilitation of the lost relationship with my daughters. Many issues played themselves out in a very messy divorce. Alcoholism, parental alienation, anger, revenge...but if I drill right down into the crux of it, my SA played a role that I had chosen to diminish.
In anger and ignorance, much highly inappropriate information was shared with impressionable minds and that cannot be undone and any rehabilitation of my relationship with my daughters must encompass a frank discussion of my issues.
Just not sure how to do this and have remaining any shred of dignity.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:09 am 
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Can a mod pls pm me ....I'm not sure how it happened but I've got 3 threads going...two with the same posts duplicated.
All I wanted to do was to re-title my original.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 12:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
HP

please hit the reply key not the new topic when posting
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=23183

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2017 10:12 am 
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Yes...Thanks.
Knew that, but wanted to retitle my thread....but it created a new thread...and for some reason....also created a duplicate.
As mentioned, can you delete the superfluous threads and leave just the one (this one)

Thanks


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 2:01 pm 
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Posts: 12
9) Freedom.
With this addiction, like most others, comes a series of loud rattling chains that you are dragging around all the while in a low grade frenzy to prevent them from making any noise lest someone see them. Like Dicken's Jacob Marley, we forge these links, adding one after another increasing the drag on our lives and difficulty in concealing them.
Freedom means not having to constantly quieten and carefully conceal these links...
Freedom to not break into a low grade panic anytime someone goes near the methods by which those links are cast...
Freedom does, however warrant a level of transparency that I struggle with.

As part of this discussion, I've realized that there are two mindsets on the issue of privacy...those who believe that if you have nothing to hide then who cares... Why be concerned about lack of privacy?
And then there are those who believe that regardless of intent, we'd prefer not to be under surveillance.
I am attached, philosophically to being an intensely private person. I don't give out email addresses, let alone phone number, I'm deeply suspicious of any attempts to mine data let alone using social media. Even walking in an urban environment now smacks of 1984 with cameras at every corner on every street....
our cars hooked into GPS reporting systems,
our browsing habits monitored.
All this troubles some deeply and some don't give a shit.
I am of the former, so part of the difficulty in this process is knowing that if I make a FB post at 4am...someone is making notes and I may have to answer to it.....regardless of the intent.
This is one of the most difficult issues that I struggle with.
I just have to remember that, for now, it is an essential tool used in recovery and necessary for my partner... but make no mistake, it does change the dynamic of the relationship.
More on that in Item #10


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