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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 7:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Hi, I am new here and would like to take the first step to recovering from sexual compulsions.


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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2016 7:41 pm 
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Lesson 1 Exercise:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
I have managed to approach a therapist and also wiped out all previous contacts that might cause me to go into a relapse. I have renewed faith in religion and pray for strength to allow me to work on recovery. I am ready to make the necessary changes to become a better person and take control of my life.
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I have talked it through with both my spouse and therapist about how previous attempts at recovery has failed because of the inability to shake off the guilt and shame that I felt within myself. I still feel guilty of causing harm to my family and loved ones from time to time but I also know that it is only through recognising the consequences of the actions that gives me the initial strength and push to make this effort on recovery. I know that in time through the program I will be able to change and walk out of this shame/ guilt to become a healthy person again.
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Previous attempts of recovery have been too intense and I think my expectations on recovery were also unrealistic. Although this is a 90-day program, I am looking to make a full recovery in about a year’s time. Seeking transformation and change needs time, and my compulsive behaviour has been around for 10 years so even if it takes the same amount of time to recover and become better, I am committed to do so.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

1. I want to become a wholesome and better person
2. I want to stop having to lead a separate life with my compulsion
3. I want to live without guilt and shame in my life
4. I want my loved ones to see me for who I really am
5. I hope to be honest with myself and not let my past haunt me
6. I want my family to really enjoy my company and not just my physical being
7. I want to truly love myself and others, not just insecurity and doubts about myself
8. I want to lead a healthy life in every aspect
9. I want to stop my inner demons from ever stepping out again
10. I want to walk past my darkness and see the light again
11. I want to make the most of my lifetime and contribute to society
12. I want to eliminate bad habits and see more goodness in myself
13. I want to have true faith and believe in myself and what I can achieve


C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:
Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old — but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence — something that is very hard to do through memory alone.
Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.

I used to be happy, carefree and real. There was no need to mask my feelings and hide my emotions for things that I felt unsure of. When I started to reach puberty and forayed into sexual relationships, I became a victim of cybersex. I was too trusting and naive. What started as a meeting to understand sex better turned out all wrong. I became angry with myself and the things that I have done and should not have happened. This started my personal compulsion on sexual activities as a separate life. I want to reclaim back my life as an honest person and live healthily again.


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 9:52 am 
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Lesson 2 Exercise:

Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

I want to use the remainder of my life to develop depth in the following areas:
- To deepen my knowledge and relationship with god and have true faith to surrender myself to god
- To care and love my family for who they are as we grow and devote quality time and energy with them
- To live and love myself more by doing things that connects to my values and interests (nature, hobbies, travel etc) and keeping myself as healthy as possible (eg. exercise, diet, stress management) for myself and my loved ones
- To develop empathy and serve the larger community by using my resources, skills and knowledge to help others in need
- To learn about life and take the time to reflect about it


Last edited by healzen on Wed May 25, 2016 9:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 3:14 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3686
Location: UK
Hello Healzen
and welcome to RN
a positive start, hope you keep it up
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you

your vision


THE COACH said
Quote:
it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.


IYO and yours is the only one that matters, does your vision match this criteria, if so OK, move on and remember to keep it as a work in progress, if not, then why not dwell a while and extend its breadth, IMO the broader the better as our visions are a cornerstone of the foundations of our recoveries
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2016 9:25 am 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Thank you Coach Kenzo. :g:
I will take time and heart to recover on this forum.
The lessons have definitely connected with me thus far and I am looking forward to the future workshops and exercises.
Amazing how the same tool that has enabled my compulsions are bringing me to recovery in full circle.
Thanks for dropping a note.


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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 7:46 am 
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Lesson 3 Exercises:
A. Note: In the previous lesson, you were asked to write out your vision for the life that you want to live. If you have not yet completed this task, do so now, before beginning this exercise.
B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.
If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or for examples of how to list each item, see this example values list.
C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:
1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.
2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.

1. Deepen my relationship with god
2. Pray more often
3. Do more volunteer work
4. Show more compassion to others
5. Help or provide resources for the needy
6. Read up on the ways of religion
7. Seek guidance and communicate with god
8. Be a good husband
9. Be a good father
10. Be a good son
11. Be a good brother
12. Be a good friend
13. Be willing to appear vulnerable and weak to those I love
14. Be an inspiration to others
15. Motivate others through my thoughts and actions
16. Be respected as a person with integrity at work
17. Bringing joy and comfort to those I love
18. Show passion in the things that I do and allowing others to see it
19. Spend time with nature and appreciating it’s beauty
20. Let others see my view or perceptions from use of photography
21. Stay healthy through engagement of sports
22. Take a walk by the beach every once in a while to watch the waves
23. Be more confident in what I do or say
24. Be more firm in carrying out what I have said
25. Sing and dance more to bring out my inner child
26. Do silly things with my child and not be embarrassed
27. Laugh more with my wife and make her feel in love again
28. Watch movies and be inspired by the stories of others
29. Eat and feast on good food and appreciate luxury
30. Drink hot tea on a cold day and ice cream on a warm day
31. Listen to good music and read a book in a cafe to reflect about life
32. Spend time at a cafe and do nothing but watch people and cars go by
33. Being thankful for what I have been given
34. Feeling confident about physical appearance
35. Feeling desired
36. Feeling masculine
37. Feeling humble
38. Feeling proud of my achievements
39. Passionate about life
40. Driven in pursuing goals
41. Being faithful to my spouse
42. Being a trustworthy colleague
43. Being valuable to my organisaton
44. Seeing the value of other people
45. Trust in others
46. Helping with kindness
47. Loving my self
48. Take life lessons seriously
49. Willing to make mistakes
50. Learning from mistakes
51. Physical pleasure
52. Feeling empowered
53. Surrendering control
54. Serving with humility
55. Perseverance and determination
56. Sustaining friendship
57. Externalising emotions
58. Risk-taking
59. Accepting changes
60. Effective stress management
61. Self-discipline
62. Comfortable with routines
63. Giving unconditionally
64. Freedom to make choices
65. Feeling strong
66. Creative in ideas
67. Provide accurate judgement of things
68. See value in even the smallest of things
69. Continue learning as a way of life
70. Developing depth in my knowledge and skills
71. Laugh at myself
72. Being bold
73. Stand up for what is right
74. At peace with myself
75. Hug and kiss loved ones more often
76. Provide a listening ear
77. Patience in hard times
78. Soothing tone and words for those I love
79. Appreciate silence and emptiness
80. Live in the present


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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2016 6:46 am 
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Lesson 4 Exercises:
A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.
Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization — not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.
B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.
Note: The first ten to fifteen values on this list will form the crux of your initial value development and monitoring. Make sure that you pay particular attention to the top twenty or so values. They must be areas of your life/identity that you truly value.

1. At peace with myself
2. Loving my self
3. Be a good husband
4. Be a good father
5. Be a good son
6. Deepen my relationship with god
7. Show more compassion to others
8. Being faithful to my spouse
9. Helping with kindness
10. Bringing joy and comfort to those I love
11. Show passion in the things that I do and allowing others to see it
12. Being thankful for what I have been given
13. Freedom to make choices
14. Feeling strong
15. Patience in hard times
16. Stand up for what is right
17. Spend time with nature and appreciating it’s beauty
18. Motivate others through my thoughts and actions
19. Live in the present
20. See value in even the smallest of things
21. Continue learning as a way of life
22. Help or provide resources for the needy
23. Read up on the ways of religion
24. Be respected as a person with integrity at work
25. Seek guidance and communicate with god
26. Feeling proud of my achievements
27. Passionate about life
28. Externalising emotions
29. Driven in pursuing goals
30. Be a good brother
31. Accepting changes
32. Effective stress management
33. Self-discipline
34. Be a good friend
35. Be willing to appear vulnerable and weak to those I love
36. Be an inspiration to others
37. Being a trustworthy colleague
38. Being valuable to my organisation
39. Seeing the value of other people
40. Trust in others
41. Let others see my view or perceptions from use of photography
42. Stay healthy through engagement of sports
43. Take a walk by the beach every once in a while to watch the waves
44. Be more confident in what I do or say
45. Be more firm in carrying out what I have said
46. Sing and dance more to bring out my inner child
47. Do silly things with my child and not be embarrassed
48. Laugh more with my wife and make her feel in love again
49. Watch movies and be inspired by the stories of others
50. Eat and feast on good food and appreciate luxury
51. Drink hot tea on a cold day and ice cream on a warm day
52. Listen to good music and read a book in a cafe to reflect about life
53. Spend time at a cafe and do nothing but watch people and cars go by
54. Feeling confident about physical appearance
55. Feeling desired
56. Feeling masculine
57. Pray more often
58. Do more volunteer work
59. Feeling humble
60. Take life lessons seriously
61. Willing to make mistakes
62. Learning from mistakes
63. Physical pleasure
64. Feeling empowered
65. Surrendering control
66. Serving with humility
67. Perseverance and determination
68. Sustaining friendship
69. Risk-taking
70. Comfortable with routines
71. Giving unconditionally
72. Creative in ideas
73. Being bold
74. Provide accurate judgement of things
75. Developing depth in my knowledge and skills
76. Laugh at myself
77. Hug and kiss loved ones more often
78. Provide a listening ear
79. Soothing tone and words for those I love
80. Appreciate silence and emptiness


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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2016 9:42 am 
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Posts: 74
Lesson 5 Exercises:
A. In previous exercises, you identified and prioritized a list of your personal values. This list should represent those aspects of your life that you want to use to define who you are and how you will be managing your life. Take a moment to look over that list with a fresh view. As you read through it, ask yourself, "Does this reflect the person that I am committing myself to becoming?" If so, continue on; if not, add those missing values that are congruent with the life that you want to lead and remove those values which are not.
B. Consider two or three major decisions that you have made in your life (i.e. marriage, career, getting a dog, etc.). Examine the values involved in the decision-making process that went into your options. Consider having to make those decisions today. Does your current prioritized values list reflect the choices that you would make? If so, then you have done a good job of creating a practical values list. If not, then you may still be leaning more towards 'idealistic values' than practical ones. You want...no, you NEED this list to function on a practical level. Continue refining it until it does.
C. Finally, examine the list one more time for its realism. Do this by briefly grasping each value and thinking about the role that it would play in your day-to-day life. This does not mean that you must use the particular value on a daily basis, only that it can serve as a realistic, functional part of the identity that you are building. For instance, if I choose 'spirituality' as a top priority for myself, but in reality I am only listing that value out of fear and/or social acceptance...then my list is not real. It is not practical. On the other hand, if I list 'Strengthening my relationship with my brother' — whom I have not had any contact with in twenty years and with whom I would like to rebuild a connection with...then that is practical. Also, remember to examine the values that are not necessarily socially accepted/idealized. This is critical. If you build a life based on what others expect from you, you will fail in your transition. If you build a life based on a mastery of what it is you truly value, then you will succeed. So examine values such as 'sexual gratification', 'being sexually adventurous', 'feeling sexually desired', 'being promiscuous', etc. If these are important to you, then prioritize them within your list. Leave them out because they don't 'sound right' and you are dooming yourself to that dual-identity that pervades sexual addiction.
D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.


1. At peace with myself by reflecting in meditation everyday whenever I can
2. Loving myself (physical, emotional and spiritual) and doing things I like
3. Expressing myself more to be a loving and faithful husband
4. Spend time to be a caring and bff father
5. Be a dutiful and responsible son by helping and listening to mum
6. Deepen my relationship with god by reading and learning more
7. Show more compassion and kindness to others via volunteer work
8. Spend time with nature and appreciating it’s beauty by taking walks and gardening
9. Sharing and celebrating achievements with family and friends
10. Bringing joy and comfort to those I love by sharing more
11. Stand up for what is right and speak my mind when I can
12. Being thankful for what I have been given by saying or posting messages
13. Freedom to make choices and defend them when I need to
14. Do sports and stay healthy to feel strong and attractive
15. Patience in hard times and pray for strength when I need it


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:45 am 
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Lesson 6 Exercise:
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.
Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).

1. Loving myself (physical, emotional and spiritual) and doing things I like:
• Physical: engage in exercise and sports at least twice a week
• Physical: take care of my appearance and get sufficient sleep everyday
• Physical: feel good and acknowledge myself when I look at myself in the mirror
• Emotional: listen to songs and watch movies that connect with me
• Emotional: read books and write stuff once in a while to express myself
• Emotional: talk or message family or friends that I feel comfortable talking to
• Emotional: take time to work on the RN workshops and connect to forum
• Spiritual: Acknowledge presence of god and communicate on a daily basis
• Spiritual: Read more about the teachings and religion periodically
• Spiritual: Praying for strength and patience in times of challenges

2. Be a dutiful and responsible son by helping and listening to mum
• Meeting up or talking through the phone to catch up once a week at least
• Sending messages of concern or love regularly
• Help to ask if there are any tasks required to be done at home
• Allow for advice to be given and acknowledge help when given
• Talk and update on happenings at home or work whenever possible
• Accept that there will be good days or bad days in communication
• Treat mundane chats as a part of conversations
• Accept that even our favourite role models make mistakes sometimes

3. Spend time with nature and appreciating it’s beauty by taking walks and gardening
• Allow for time to do gardening everyday
• Appreciate the beauty of the plants and animals in nature
• Take jogs/walks in the park once a fortnight/month
• Look around and appreciate some form of greenery in everyday environment
• Take pictures of what I appreciate in nature and share them with others
• Engage in nature walk or trails of some kind when opportunity arises
• Read up more about things in nature that inspires or excites me
• Meditate in nature every once in a while


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 12, 2016 1:08 am 
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Lesson 7 Exercise:
A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.
Do NOT allow yourself to become overwhelmed with this task. Each action plan should probably take you between five and fifteen minutes. Some of the most complex (like those pertaining to partnership) may take you up to thirty minutes. What you share in these plans will not be used all at once — so don't worry about what you 'can and can't do'. Focus instead on what you think needs to be done.
Over the next week of lessons, you will be switching your focus to other areas of recovery. These lessons will be important (especially if you are in a relationship), but not critical to your recovery. This is by design. If it takes you a week to complete all of your proactive action plans, so be it. The goal is to have them done by the time you get to the Health Monitoring I lesson. But, to work simultaneously on other lessons as you go...not to put your efforts on hold until they are done.
Note: this will be the last of the 'difficult, time consuming exercises' that you will be asked to complete for some time. Lessons and exercises from this point forward should require significantly less time and energy

1. At peace with myself by reflecting in meditation everyday
• Monitor and reflect on personal health on a daily basis
• Some time spent on meditation and prayers everyday
• Give thanks for things that I have and own
• Aware of the stresses and challenges that I face daily
• Acknowledge that there can be certain days that are not good
• Identify key stressors in affecting my moods
• Ask myself if I have communicated my thoughts and moods
• On a scale of 1-10, how am I coping in my actions?
• Consider talk, walk, exercise, read/ write

2. Expressing myself more to be a loving and faithful husband
• Be generous with my hugs and kisses
• Communicate my feelings and thoughts clearly and without censorship
• Be gentle, yet firm with my decisions when necessary
• Explain my intentions and plans (expect to hear alternative views)
• If affected by comments or actions, relate and connect with feelings or touch
• Affirmation and praise constantly to build love
• Demonstrate and express my physical/sexual needs
• Serve when I feel ready, not obligatory
• No U-turn policy: There is no way to infidelity
• Give my love willingly, readily and spontaneously
• Spend time to communicate everyday over dinner or after
• Did I say or demonstrate ‘I love you’ to her today?
• Tell mum or bro if there are any stressors that I cannot handle between us
• Less judging, more understanding
• Do little things like post-it notes, messages, writing or gifts
• Celebrate our achievements as a team- birthday, anniversaries, holidays etc
• Amplify my love and allow it to overflow in any way possible within us
• Ask and remember ‘ what can I do for you’ story

3. Spend time to be a caring and bff father
• Spend time to have fun everyday
• Stay silly and funny without need to assert authority
• Give hugs and kisses willingly and readily
• Reassure when need hurt or confidence needed
• Read and sing songs together
• More patience, less distractions
• Enjoy the moment
• Be firm but not harsh when discipline is needed

4. Deepen my relationship with god by reading and learning more
• Read up on religion and find out more about information available
• Meditate or do prayers to be in constant contact everyday
• Communicate when in doubt or feel lost
• Ask for help and signs when it is needed
• Use it as a guiding light to prevent myself from deviating from recovery path
• Join in talks or activities might help me understand god better

5. Show more compassion and kindness to others via volunteer work
• Reflect on actions and thoughts every day and ask if it shows kindness/compassion
• Sign up for activities when possible and enjoy the process
• Do little things that cultivate my compassion like donations or little favors
• Understand the difference between compassion and being taken advantage of
• Encourage family culture of volunteerism
• Allow friends to introduce more volunteer opportunities to me
• Prevent selfish activities and thoughts from taking priority to volunteering
• Share spirit of volunteerism with others as well

6. Sharing and celebrating achievements with family and friends
• Tell someone, no matter how small the achievement
• Celebrate others’ achievements, even if they are small
• If physical celebration is not possible, send messages or cards
• Take time to celebrate birthdays, newborns, results, occasions etc
• If there are career goals achieved, share them too
• Share meaningful gifts and actions with others
• If torn between two celebrations, prioritise and then apologise

7. Bringing joy and comfort to those I love by sharing more
• If it bothers me, say it no matter how ugly it might seem
• It takes courage and love to share what I mean and feel
• If I get a negative response or reaction, take time to let it sink in
• When I have to keep a secret, write it down somewhere and reveal it when I can
• Share details, even though they might seem small and insignificant to me
• Whether it is challenges at home or at work, I can find someone to share my woes
• Expect others to also share worries with me when I share mine with them
• Share joy as much as I share worries
• Share gifts generously with those I love
• Share emotions with all that I hold dear

8. Stand up for what is right and speak my mind when I can
• Be ready to defend my thoughts and actions and not just bottle my anger
• Do not let pride stand in the way of what I need to say
• If it is wrong and I have to say something right, then I should do it
• When situations do not allow me to speak my mind, hold the thought and say it when the next opportunity comes along. Otherwisem write it down.
• If I feel terrible for not speaking up or doing the right thing, talk to someone close
• When I feel wronged, take time to explain and give evidences of my defences
• If others do not allow me to speak, then write it down or talk to someone else dear to me

9. Being thankful for what I have been given by saying or posting messages
• Take time to appreciate blessings of life that I have been given everyday
• Count my blessings and think about what life has offered to me
• Be grateful for my lovely family and friends around who love me too
• Appreciate the little wonders and gifts I have around me
• Say thanks for the food for my body and soul everyday
• Say thanks for the life that I am blessed with so far
• Reposting positive messages and motivations to others
• Sharing my inspirations and thanks to those I love and hold dear

10. Freedom to make choices and defend them when I need to
• Know that I am an individual with independent choices to make
• Do not feel obliged to base my decisions on the feelings of others all the time
• Able to make choices based on my own values and decision
• Happy to know that I can make my own choices and stick to them
• When I want to make important choices, ask others for opinion
• Have faith in the decisions I make and stand by them
• When I need to justify for the choices I make, I am able to do so with the values imbued in me
• Should I fail to make choices that are right, reflect and look at the values that need adjustment

11. Do sports and stay healthy to feel strong and attractive
• Allocate time every alternate day to engage in sports
• Swimming, jogging, racquet sports, ball games, and any sports that I like
• Look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge that I am attractive
• Do not need to feel inferior to other people who seem more attractive
• Be confident in what I do and say when I interact with others
• Focus on being healthy and strong, rather than just attractive
• When I fall sick or unwell, focus on recovering first then continue to do sports

12. Patience in hard times and pray for strength when I need it
• Recount the challenges of the day and look at how I have overcome them
• Give credit to the values that have kept me strong and people who have helped
• When the times get tough, take deep breaths and count to 10
• When I feel that I cannot handle certain situations, take time to cool off but do not avoid them totally. Confront them again when I am ready.
• Talk to someone who can give proper advice when I am feeling upset or cannot seem to find a solution to a problem
• Pray and talk to god when I need to seek patience and help for conflicts
• Ask for strength to overcome the challenges that I am facing and know that things will get better over time
• If I feel lost, talk to someone close or talk to god and make sure my emotions are in check


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2016 6:57 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Lesson 10 Exercises:
I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.
II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.
III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully commited to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.
- I Intend to come clean to all those that I love and hold dear to, including my wife, mother and brother. My professional coach will also know of my struggles so that he can help me in the recovery process.
IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.
-All pornographic items are online and streamed via computer. No materials have been stored or all have been deleted.
V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.
-Ben and Adam: Had sexual relationship with them. Have changed my contact and deleted them off contact list
VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.
-Mostly online, or the other person's home.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

I need to commit to absolute honesty and I see that as a big obstacle to recovery.
When I am not able to be truthful to my loved ones, I observe that there is a vicious cycle of shame and guilt followed by being secretive and being afraid of being 'found out'.
I also want to do the recovery workshop for myself and not use it to be a front to show others that I am on the road to recovery.
I pray for strength to be brave and strong so that I continue to face my challenges and not hide or simply abstain from them.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:30 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3686
Location: UK
Healzen
Quote:
I need to commit to absolute honesty


:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

bang on
you mention honesty with loved ones, but please remember to include honesty with and to yourself
without it recovery is not achieveable

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 9:27 am 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Thanks Coach Kenzo. A timely reminder indeed for my ability to reach true recovery. :g:


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 9:37 am 
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2016 9:57 am
Posts: 74
Lesson 13 Exercises:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.
II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.

I can see myself in transition from early recovery to middle recovery now. Some traits that I can identify with include the following:
- tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves. To see "how far they have come". This is a behavior that is often witnessed in adolescent wound care — where the adolescent almost compulsively tears open their bandages to "check the wounds". Of course, just like with addiction, such behavior is often problematic — as it opens the individual up to additional infection. But it is a behavior that provides comfort to the adolescent — no matter what stage of healing the wound may be in.
- tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
- have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
- motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
- make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
- not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
- recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
- identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
- tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others — especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.

I realized that I have been able to show recovery in holding the prioritized values mentioned previously. However, I also discovered that I had not included absolute honesty before in my previous list and would like to add that on to my list of prioritized values too now knowing how important it can be in the recovery process. Even if I am not been able to do so now, I know that I will need to work towards it in order to achieve a healthy recovery subsequently. The sooner the better!


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