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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:29 pm 
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1) Did I engage with each of my kids today in a way that would strengthen their trust in me and build our relationships? Somewhat for all, not much meaningful for the oldest two.
A) If I missed anyone, what will I do tomorrow to connect with that individual?
Go for a drive with my oldest, laugh with my second.

2) Did I honestly attempt to help my wife in the pursuit of any of her goals?
Yes, we forgot to pick up diapers and she had to get some mail in the mailbox tonight so was going to do it, but I intercepted her and went so she could work on a fun project.
3) Did I do anything to relax, to de-stress, to reconnect with the Bigger Picture?
Read to the kids. Wasn't much but i enjoy it.
4) Did I move our business forward in any meaningful way?
A lot of drudging but i was diligent. Wrote a lo g iverdue letter to my partner. Hoping that goes over well.

5) Did I communicate meaningfully with God today? Did I remember and feel gratitude for the Savior? Not a lot. I started to talk to my family about some pretty sacred stuff, but kids were all fighting and the mood wasn't right. I Did pray this morning slone and with the fam.

6) Did I make any progress whatever on any non-essential projects? (improving the home, yard, developing a talent, etc) no.

7) Did I serve anyone today outside of my family? If so, who and how? Not really. Did a bit of planning for a service project on Wed.

8) What eternal truths did I hold before my mind today to remind me of who I am and what is real?
Narnia with the kiddies.

9) How did I treat my body today?
A) exercise? Yes
B) nutrition? Yea, but lots of crap too
C) sleep? more than usual, still not enough. I'm going now
d) help? forgot.

10) What if anything did I do, say or think that was beneath my standards? Nothing I can think of sexually.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:47 pm 
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1) Did I engage with each of my kids today in a way that would strengthen their trust in me and build our relationships? Not with any except my youngest. In fact, had fights with my two oldest. Theyre very challenging and Im not much better.
A) If I missed anyone, what will I do tomorrow to connect with that individual? I have a sercice project scheduled with my oldest but honestly don't have any idea if we'll be talking by then. I have Nothing else planned. I'm pretty pissed at them.

2) Did I honestly attempt to help my wife in the pursuit of any of her goals?
Not really. I didn't complain when she skipped work again to take a lesson she wanted. I guess that's something.
3) Did I do anything to relax, to de-stress, to reconnect with the Bigger Picture? No.
4) Did I move our business forward in any meaningful way? Finally finished a big stupid protracted project today and got another dumped in my lap before I could even exhale.

5) Did I communicate meaningfully with God today? Did I remember and feel gratitude for the Savior? Not a lot. Morning and fam prayers.

6) Did I make any progress whatever on any non-essential projects? (improving the home, yard, developing a talent, etc) a bit. Started two overdue pronects for the house. Sort of.

7) Did I serve anyone today outside of my family? If so, who and how? No

8) What eternal truths did I hold before my mind today to remind me of who I am and what is real?
None yet. I'll read after this.

9) How did I treat my body today?
A) exercise? No
B) nutrition? Not much
C) sleep? more than usual, still not enough.
d) help? In the morning. It did help at work.

10) What if anything did I do, say or think that was beneath my standards? Nothing I can think of sexually.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:05 am 
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Positive values of addiction:
Mostly a reason to live as pathetic as that sounds. I have a difficult time quite often getting excited about life. Wanting to be Here. Feeling much apart from stress. The highs are often too infrequent for me and too minimal to maintain balance. I've never been a huge fan of life. Sometimes this is worse than others, but, in spite of being very belssed and thankful for those blessings, I've always looked forward to it ending. Porn changes all that. I want to be Here. I feel something. I have something to pursue that is stimulating and maintains my attention. Ina perfect illustration of Jon's principle, fantasy brings me to life while reality often makes me want to die.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:42 pm 
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Posts: 309
Daily Monitoring:

1) Did I engage with each of my kids today in a way that would strengthen their trust in me and build our relationships? #3 and 4 Yes, 1 and 2 no, but I wrote them all a letter that I hoped would help. We'll see.
A) If I missed anyone, what will I do tomorrow to connect with that individual? I have a service opportunity tomorrow with #1 and hope to do something to conncet with #2. It has been a few days.

2) Did I honestly attempt to help my wife in the pursuit of any of her goals? Not much.

3) Did I do anything to relax, to de-stress, to reconnect with the Bigger Picture? Read to the little ones.

4) Did I move our business forward in any meaningful way? Yes.

5) Did I communicate meaningfully with God today? Did I remember and feel gratitude for the Savior? Kind of. I taught an at risk youth for an hour about the gospel.

6) Did I make any progress whatever on any non-essential projects? (improving the home, yard, developing a talent, etc) no.

7) Did I serve anyone today outside of my family? If so, who and how? Yes, see above.

8) What eternal truths did I hold before my mind today to remind me of who I am and what is real? Narnia, scriptures.

9) How did I treat my body today?
A) exercise? No
B) nutrition? Not bad
C) sleep? Yes
d) help? morning. It helped.

10) What if anything did I do, say or think that was beneath my standards. No, I didn't talk to anyone much today. That helped.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:57 pm 
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Posts: 309
Wheel of sexial compulsion. My most hated lessons in this workshop. I don't think they help me or are particularly insightful for me, but what the Hey. Might as well do it.
Mine include:
Suspense, sensory -visual, sensory - touch, swnsory
- sound, fantasy, accomplishment and orgasm.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:26 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3355
Location: UK
Hi Semperfi
Quote:
fantasy brings me to life while reality often makes me want to die.


I hope that you are saying this metaphorically
If indeed this thought process is or becomes more of a reality then please get professional help immediately
Life is a gift and it should be embraced, this being a prime reason for change away from a life of compulsion

take care and looking forwards to watching your progress

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:42 pm 
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Posts: 309
Thanks very much, Kenzo. Yes, I was being largely dramatic or at least rhetorical. As i mentioned, I've never been much of a joi de vivre guy, but I do have a moral compass that I value and porn is not a part of it. I really appreciate your concern, but I'm a fighter. I'll never give in to despair in that way.

I appreciate all the work you do - your the epitome of dedication and vigilance.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:48 pm 
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1) Did I engage with each of my kids today in a way that would strengthen their trust in me and build our relationships? #1,#3 and 4 Yes, 2 not much. Looks like I'm long overdue for some quality time with #2.
A) If I missed anyone, what will I do tomorrow to connect with that individual? I'll watch a movie with #2 tomorrow and make it a treat.

2) Did I honestly attempt to help my wife in the pursuit of any of her goals? Yes, we had a great talk about our futures and she started a class tonight. Good progress there.

3) Did I do anything to relax, to de-stress, to reconnect with the Bigger Picture? Read to the little ones, did some service with #1. That was good.

4) Did I move our business forward in any meaningful way? Not a great day on the surface, but we at least started some very meaningful conversations about our new directions.

5) Did I communicate meaningfully with God today? Did I remember and feel gratitude for the Savior? Morning prayers and a couple in the afternoon, but I need more time and attention here.

6) Did I make any progress whatever on any non-essential projects? (improving the home, yard, developing a talent, etc) not really, but have a good idea for a new one I'm going to start asap.

7) Did I serve anyone today outside of my family? Yes. Helped a shut in celebrate her birthday.

8) What eternal truths did I hold before my mind today to remind me of who I am and what is real? Narnia, scriptures.

9) How did I treat my body today?
A) exercise? No
B) nutrition? Not bad
C) sleep? Yes
d) help? morning. It helped.

10) What if anything did I do, say or think that was beneath my standards. Nothing sexual.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 10:27 pm 
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Posts: 309
1) Did I engage with each of my kids today in a way that would strengthen their trust in me and build our relationships? Not really with any of them. In fact, I've kind of been trying to avoid them. Especially my older 3. I am constantly amazed at the tolerance with which everyone in my family can contend, endlessly, without cause or reason. Frankly, it's making it hard to want to be here. I suppose my selfishness has been successfully passed on. Not sure what to say about this.
A) If I missed anyone, what will I do tomorrow to connect with that individual? I may still be in hiding. I'm not eager to spend time with any but my youngest right now.

2) Did I honestly attempt to help my wife in the pursuit of any of her goals? Kind of. Encouraged her to head off to her lesson that she enjoys, but I couldn't join her and add anything to the experience.

3) Did I do anything to relax, to de-stress, to reconnect with the Bigger Picture? no

4) Did I move our business forward in any meaningful way? I supposed. Worked hard, but it's two steps forward two+ steps back right now.

5) Did I communicate meaningfully with God today? Did I remember and feel gratitude for the Savior? Prayers, not much else.

6) Did I make any progress whatever on any non-essential projects? (improving the home, yard, developing a talent, etc) Some, yes. Up all night thinking I should build a fallout shelter. Not sure it won't come in handy the way the world is turning.

7) Did I serve anyone today outside of my family? If so, who and how? No

8) What eternal truths did I hold before my mind today to remind me of who I am and what is real? None yet.

9) How did I treat my body today?
A) exercise? No
B) nutrition? No
C) sleep? Yes
d) help? Morning.

10) What if anything did I do, say or think that was beneath my standards? Nothing sexual.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 10:42 pm 
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Posts: 309
Lesson 18.

Yea, again, this is the part of the workshop that is most mind-numbing to me. I don't identify with it or find it helpful, though I can see why some people do.

Anyway: time - perhaps the largest component in my ritual ( I really only have one). and it can be extensive. There is sometimes a lot of time involved in making the slide as gradual as possible, as if I can fool even myself into "innocently discovering" porn for the first time. And maybe that is what this is all about. Trying to re-create that feeling when I was 7 discovering the Playboys in the field. Who knows? And is it even terribly relevant?
Next would be the time taken to shop for the most scintillating image or clip on social media. I don't do porn sites because there's no challenge there, no pretended innocence and I don't need to anyway. There's plenty on social media. Anyway, it all takes a long time to find just the right thing as habituation sets in fast. It doesn't necessary get harder and harder material because of habituation, just more and more difficult to find something really stimulating. (of course, it is all less and less stimulating as time goes on). But grosser and grosser is not what I'm after.
Intensity starts out strong usually and the unconscious goal is apparently to make that intensity last as long as I can because the crash is always going to stink. Masturbation is usually added later to ramp up intensity as the stimulation wanes. The hunt is the key though, the hunt for just the right scenario pretty much sums up all three filers. Time (I can take many hours, off and on for days) intensity - ebbs and flows, but "finding the right image" or finding a way to be alone to pursue it or adding masturbation are all ways to increase or maintain intensity - and to fight off encroaching habituation.

Now I'm in the hunt to keep habituation from infiltrating my recovery work! Not going to let that happen :w:


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 1:02 am 
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Posts: 309
I love lesson 19. Need to review it again to really internalize it. I'm kind of going through the opposite of what we're asked to do right now and it is disconcerting. I've never wanted much other than a family, it has bewn my number 1 objective and focus my whole life, and still is. I'm just coming to terms lately (or beginning to) with how little joy I feel with my family, too often. My kids fight almost incessantly. My wife yells at them because nothing else works at all. I so too, but mostly the last little while, I just dont want to be around them. I suppose I'm not even taking myself seriously because there truly isn't anything else in life of comparable value. But what if the basket into which I've placed all of my eggs brings too little joy? I don't know. I do know Though that this is no time for emotion based decision making. I have a hell of a lot of work to do.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 11:50 pm 
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Posts: 309
1 ) Engage meaningfully with kids? Yes, all of them. Kve been working on a discussion I've wanted to have with them all and it went well.
2) Help Wife? Somewhat, Yes. Trying to figure out a schedule so she can take classes she wants to.
3) Connect with Big Picture? Yes, at church and in our family meeting
4) Move business forward? Not today
5) commune with God? Yes, much better.
6) Home projects? Not really a Sunday thing
7) Serve anyone? Yes. Needy boys over for dinner
8) Eternal truths? Yes, at church and reading CS Lewis
9) body? Yes, except exercise.
10) Standards violated? Not really, but I didn't need to click on one news story.

I Did read the next lesson, but will post on it tomorrow.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:46 pm 
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1 ) Engage meaningfully with kids? Yes, all of them. Great time at dinner and a nice evening reading together and watching a silly old show. I don't know if I've ever seen my two oldest try so hard to be agreeable. They must have actually listened yesterday!
2) Help Wife? I didn't do much but watch the kids as she practiced.
3) Connect with Big Picture? I did think about Christ today and I did some macro planning at work.
4) Move business forward? Yes, quite a bit.
5) commune with God? Yes, much better.
6) Home projects? Yes, a bit.
7) Serve anyone? Not really.
8) Eternal truths? Read some Narnia, but I'll read scriptures before I go to bed.
9) Body? Not great nutrition, no exercise. Grrrr.
10) Standards violated? No, but I am starting to feel some pulls.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 12:26 am 
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Lesson 20

1) Addiction's role throughout my life:
This is tough. As I've mentioned, I don't remember a time when some form of compulsive behavior hasn't been at least lurking in the background of my life. In fact, as it always has been and always will be both contrary to my own values and to my religious beliefs, I have never been far from guilt, sorrow and repentance. In fact, in some ways, the sorry truth is that my life could be divided into chapters that all either revolve around episodic acting out, trying not to act out, or repentance from acting out. Of course, this is not the only way my life could be summed up, but it is one.
I've known periodic freedom throughout my life, but never for more than a year or two. Usually every couple of months I repeat the cycle, until this past year or so, it is has been more like every few weeks and I've tried in several of those binges to try and see if it were possible for me to stay there. Of course, it isn't. There is nothing there. There is no "there" in which to stay. It is simply powerful emotion. No more a place or a way of life than determining to always feel hungry or trying to make constant anger a lifestyle. It always fizzles away to nothing and leaves me with nothing, feeling like nothing.
This is not unique to me of course, it is the very nature of basing a life or decisions on something as ethereal and transitory as emotion.
So why the ubiquitous return? I am certain it is exactly what we learn it to be here - a deficit of maturity combined with a few other things:
For some reason, I've never been one who could relax much. I guess it is stress I feel pretty consistently, but I've felt responsible for everyone and everything for a long time. Porn is that escape. It is one of the only emotions I can feel that is stronger than duty or stress or failure. As least, that is what I think. It is hard for me to know. I still don't really understand why I have returned to this so many times. Everyone else I read about or talk to seems to have a better reason than I do. Terrible fear, loneliness, abuse, stress that is based on something more than mine is, etc. I don't know why I have always been so unable to just take the joy that should be mine and ride it. I feel that if I enjoy myself, I'll soon have my life turned upside down in order to balance all the happiness I'm feeling. I know it makes no sense, it doesn't to me either.
I've always been a real risk-taker. I've had some degree of courage that has enabled me to have some unusual adventures and experience things that are fairly rare in remote parts of the world. But I rarely enjoyed it, in fact, I experienced it as shallowly as I could. Many of the memories I have in countries all over the world doing interesting and challenging work was trying to not look at porn and trying to find porn. It is so sad. I've always been able to work, been driven to work, but have rarely enjoyed my life as I wished I could have. I don't know which cased which, the porn for me to be unable to enjoy and connect with my life or some internal deficit that has looked to porn to escape. It doesn't really matter I suppose. It has just always been this way from my earliest memories.
Same with my relationships. I've had no sexual activity outside of marriage in my life except porn and masturbation, but it has been a strain and a taint on my marriage of course. Though it seems to hardly affect my wife anymore, it certainly has.
Same with my religious life. It has been an impediment all my life to being and feeling worthy. It has limited my opportunities to serve and thereby to grow. And, again, my Priest seems to feel the same way as my wife, he doesn't seem to be too concerned about it anymore.
So - that has left me, with just me. If my wife doesn't seem to care that much and my Priest doesn't either, and they're the only ones who know - what's the problem? It just comes down to me. I don't want that crap in my life. I don't want to be tied to it, addicted to it, involved in it or limited by it. Even if I can "get away with it" as it appears I now can with minimal external repercussions, I can't without major internal repercussions and that is more than enough reason. I have to say, I am amazed and grateful to see this undeniably. I never expected that I would and if I did, I never expected to feel this way. I suppose I've always fought this weakness for others at least to some degree. Now, when there are no others to fight it for ( I know there are, just saying) I still want to fight it for me. I actually do want to be a clean, brave and righteous man. Not just to look like one. Not just until no one else cares. I care. And more than anything, I know that God cares. He doesn't want me to be dependent on internal drugs to medicate my life. He doesn't want me to see people as objects for pleasure, even if I would never act out with another person. He doesn't want me to substitute lust for love, pleasure for meaning, selfishness for service. I believe that and I appreciate all He has given me and I trust Him enough to try to want what He wants. He knows a heck of a lot better what will make me happy and whole than I do.
I don't know if any of this really answers the questions. What has lust done for me? It has changed the subject when the subject is painful - whether imaginary or real. It has distracted me and entertained me when I was bored or expected to focus on things that were not fun. It has fed me exciting chemicals when life seemed to drone on with little hope of stimulation. It has allowed me escape from life that seemed to hold little enjoyment - because I couldn't or wouldn't enjoy it.
I'll write more later, and want to re-do my daily monitoring as well.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 12:53 am 
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1 ) Engage meaningfully with kids? I hardly saw the older two, but played games with the younger two.
2) Help Wife? I didn't do much, just supported and watched kids when she needed.
3) Connect with Big Picture? I did think about Christ today becaise of a crazy dream that He was in. I shared it with a few people.
4) Move business forward? Yes
5) commune with God? Not really. I meant to several times and Jist disnt much.
6) Home projects? Yes, a bit.
7) Serve anyone? Dad
8) Eternal truths? Scriptures.
9) Body? Not great nutrition, no exercise. Sheesh.
10) Standards violated? Yes. Not terminal, but dedi itelu wasted time perusing social media, Looking for edgy material. It is the beginning of my ritual. I will pull out of it. Tbough I admit, I have ever been terribly successful.

This is a good segueway to finish yesterdays assignment How do I see my addiction affecting my future? This of course is a tough question. Beyond just escapism, I am plain old addicted to the chemical rush of hunting for porn in places it is not easily found. That is nust a part of it I can't ignore or umderestimate. Last night, I wome up masturbating. Stopped as soon as I knew what was going on then had that amazing dream. The problem is, if I allow any sexuality into my life at all, this is Where it goes,
At least in part. The past three weeks, I have just milled it off altogether and I can do that. I nust have no idea what "healthy" sexuality is I guess. It seems to be an all or nothing proposition for me and that's not healthy either, though it is certainly preferable. So, the answer is for me in the future is, can I figure out how to have develop a healthy sexuality that incorporates sex only in the way it was ordained? The answer is, i dont know because it is really quite foreign to me.


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