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PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:22 pm 
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Posts: 44
Lesson 1 Exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys?
Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.


1) actively committing yourself to change
As has been said many times, change is inevitable, but directing change is what matters. To direct change is an active role. I am ready to be active in choosing where my life goes.
Prior to 1.5 years ago I was taking the path of least resistance, and checking off life boxes (Job, Degree, Place to reside) as at a socially acceptable rate, but under that veneer of socially acceptable behavior I was decaying through taking the path that required the least effort. Including frequenting strip clubs, hiring sex workers, and regularly retreating into pornography.

Then I re-met a wonderful partner, she has been working hard since then to show me that we can have whatever we want, but the path of least resistance is not going to grant that. I bucked this idea regularly until after enough examples and good fortunes coming on the back of her hard work, it was undeniable. The path of least resistance is not a rewarding one, it is laden with wasted time, energy, and few accomplishments.

I the last few weeks I examined my patterns of behavior, habbits, and compulsions. The results of this examination has been that I have a problem. I am a porn/masturbation addict, with a habit for going beyond just masturbation alone to involving other individuals. I have been dishonest about that, and now see the damage I am doing to myself and those I love. It is time to change. It is time to take action. It is time to get honest. It is time to become a real person. It is time to become the person I know I can be instead of the one that I drift along into becoming.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Guilt and shame an be powerful tools in motivation. They are not necessarily comfortable motivation, nor safe motivation but the do get the job done for a time. I loathe to act from a place of shame or guilt, as many others, I think. I am not sure where I stand right now with respect to guilt and shame and the impact on recovery. As an initial motivator to get me thinking about all the people I have not treated right due to my addiction they are great, for helping me want to read and complete the lessons they are not hindering me currently. However I can see how reliance on negative emotions to direct action is not sustainable. So I think am ready to work on Me for Me, shame and guilt will wax and wane, but the active recovery must press on.

3) allowing yourself time to change.
Allowing time to change can be difficult for some aspects of life. Making personality/core value changes should take time though. If core values could change in a moment then it is hard to say that the values really are a part of your core. Instant gratification has become a part of life in the 21st century, and that does not help a long journey feel shorter, but things worth changing are definitely worth putting the time into.


B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you.
Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

1. I want to be my honest self to myself.
2. I want to be the kind person I know I can be.
3. I want to be capable of giving real love.
4. I want to use my time as I choose.
5. I want to be honest with my wife.
6. I want to care for my wife in all aspects.
7. I want to treat sex as the beautiful act it can be.
8. I want to take back my innocence.
9. I want to live shame free.
10. I want to love selflessly.
11. I want to be a whole person.
12. I want to feel my choices are mine to make.
13. I want to be truly happy.
14. I want to reclaim my integrity.
15. I want to have children and be able to be fully honest with them.
16. I want a life worth having lived.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:47 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hello Shm00p's

Quote:
The results of this examination has been that I have a problem


great well done for that admission, that is a difficult but very neccesary first step, the journey now can begin
so welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:46 pm 
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I started doing work on the workshops on my own for about a week before I had access to post to the forums, however in that time I did the vision exercise (I will share that draft below), however I think it needs revision. A lot of the values in the vision feel derivative to me, and there might only be 3-5 different/unique values in the vision. Also I had not seen CoachMel's post about vision work, so I am hoping to use that post as a guide to drafting a more complete and value driven vision.

Vision Version 1 (I think it runs a little too idealistic)
Code:
Past:
I was adrift in time and space, meeting others asking to lash our vessels together and turned down. I was/am not socially well developed and so felt a lot of rejection when it came to dating. This led to me looking for a shortcut which I found in sex workers and video games, these things provided instant gratification with explicitly known criteria.

My life became the pursuit of gratification, make money to see the workers or cut time to play a game. Doing what was necessary to jump to the next stimulus. Or keep my habits out of sight and out of mind of peers/family.

Future:
For my future self I have a vision, as a man of integrity. A person who is honest, loving, and discerning. Who takes action with kindness and compassion in mind. A man who is mindful of consequences, both good and bad, and considers them deeply before acting. A man who protects and cares for those he is close to. I have a vision of a man who is a creator, constructing physical goods, and nurturing creativity in others. I see a man who is recognized and welcomed in his community as a positive influence, a helping hand who is present and available to others.

I also see a man that is a good partner to his wife. A man who is faithful, lovingly honest, and devoted to his wife. A man who is compasionate, and considerate of his wife's needs. Putting her before himself. And being present and available for her in any aspect, from a listening ear to a helping hand, an emotional spport to a cheering section on a venture. Someone to travel with, and have adventures along side. Someone to know better than you know yourself. Someone who can truly be intimate with her, and her with him.

I see a man who is a good father,  A man who is knowledgeable and nurturing to his offspring. A man who is present with his child, ready to take an adventure, and clutivate creativity, compassion, trust, in a little person. He will help shape their world view into one based on kindness and love.

I see a family with a simple lifestyle. Taking care of some land, cooking and growing their own food, building a comfortable nest egg, and investing in the people around them, mindfully spending, and stewards of their land leading by example.


A more honed version 2 coming soon...


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:26 pm 
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Vision Version 2
Code:
A vision of my life.

I see myself as a man of integrity. This means acting in a way so I can proudly present myself to my partner, my loved ones, and the world. Acting in kindness and love.
I see myself as a good partner, friend, and community member. Being present and available for those I interact with.
I see myself as a smart/talented individual, a wealth of information to give to others.
I see myself as a creative person, constructing quality goods from leather, wood and steel.
I see myself as inquisitive, striving to learn more each day.
I see myself as a tenacious problem solver.
I see myself seeking praise for a job I put myself into, but not wanting the spotlight.
I see myself thinking before I act, considering consequences and being mindful of outcomes.


In my life with my partner:
 I see myself as a faithful person, both physically and mentally.
 I see a person who is loving and kind.
 I see us as eachother's protector.
 I see her as someone I can follow, because I know she has our best interests at heart.
 I see myself as needing to take a back seat and honor her.
 I see us exploring our sexuality together, learning and evolving as a pair.
 I see myself giving my time and effort for her goals and her for mine.

With my friends and community members:
 I see myself as an upstanding member of the group.(Someone who is dependible, and present for others.)
 I see myself as a helpful individual, giving of myself for others.
 I see myself encouraging others creativity.

Eventually I see myself as a father and in that role:
 My partner and I cultivate a strong person, of high character.
 We help foster a creative child.
 A child who knows how to live life honestly and chooses to do so, because of our input
 A child who knows how to accomplish many things, and has a life long love of learning because of our shared values.
 
I see my family living close to the land. Growing our own food, and being very self reliant. Taking care of the planet and our selves. Living as stewards of the earth.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:34 pm 
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Lesson 3:
Future values:
Code:
Universal values:
Integrity
Honesty
Companionship
Academic
Growth
Creativity
Pride in work
Mindfulness
faithfulness
Protector
Humility
Dependibility
Nature
Survival
Minimalism
Hardworking

Expanding those ideals into practical/measurable values:

I choose my actions mindfully
I choose my actions so I can share them with anyone
I take responsibility for my choices, and choose choices that I can be proud of.
I speak the truth
I do not hold back pieces of the story
I act in open honesty, and take actions I will want to share
I honor my partner, and consider her ideas.
I take her into consideration regarding consequences of my actions
I take steps to show her my love for her each day.
I work learn new things daily
I connect more pieces of my schema with each new piece learned
I work on being better at something everyday
I build something each day.
I take my time to make works I can be proud of.
I acknowledge that not all the pieces can be the best.
The only way to do something better is to practice.
I take time when making decisions to consider the consequences of the action.
I pay consider those I care about in my actions.
I take actions to let them know I care about them.
I am faithful to my wife, and show her daily.
I consider my partner in my actions.
I take actions I know will make my partner happy and safe
I can put my pride aside and let my partner lead.
I derive joy from her success.
I am present and available for my family, my partner, and my friends
I spend time with people i care about each day.
I make my time with my loved ones about their happiness, or building our bond.
I work hard each day.
I work to learn to be better equipped to survive with less and less
I work with my partner to build a simple foundation for life.
I work with my partner to make a great life.
I work with my partner to be a good earth steward
I work with my partner to have a farm.


Past values:
Code:
Past:
1. Instant gratification
2. Self pleasure
3. Excitement
4. Recognition as a deviant
5. Thrill of risk
6. Experience something new
7. Find new levels of self disgust
8. desensitize.
9. get away with something
10. Compete with others
11. one ups manship
12. physical pleasure
13. Dominance


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 11:18 pm 
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Some listed items were edited in the re-think on ordering, but below are the list of values I could pull from the vision, and some ways to measure those values.

I know that is bordering on an action plan, but that does not seem like a bad thing to me.

Code:
Universal values:
1. Integrity
2. faithfulness
2. Honesty
3. Mindfulness
4. Companionship
5. Protector
6. Growth
7. Creativity
8. Pride in work
9. Financial Stability
10. Academic
11. Dependibility
12. Humility
13. Nature
14. Hardworking
15. Minimalism

Expanding those ideals into practicible values:

1. I choose my actions mindfully
2. I act in open honsty, and take actions I will want to share
3. I take my partner into consideration regarding consequences of my actions
4. I take time when making decisions to consider the consequences of the action.
5. I work on being better at something everyday
6. I choose my actions so I can share them with anyone
7. I take actions I know will make my partner happy and safe
8. I take responsibility for my choices, and choose choices that I can be proud of.
9. I consider my partner in my actions.
10. I am make wise finacial decisions.
11. I honor my partner, and consider her ideas.
12. I consider those I care about in my actions.
13. I speak the truth, I do not hold back pieces of the story
14. I am faithful to my wife, and show her daily.
15. I take steps to show my partner my love for her each day.
16. I can put my pride aside and let my partner lead.
17. I work to learn new things daily
18. The only way to do something better is to practice.
19. I work with my partner to make a great life.
20. I build something each day.
21. I make my time with my loved ones about their happiness, or building our bond.
22. I derive joy from her success.
23. I am present and available for my family, my partner, and my friends
24. I work hard each day.
25. I spend time with people i care about each day.
26. I connect more pieces of my schema with each new piece learned
27. I take my time to make works I can be proud of.
28. I am building a strong relationship with my partner
29. I am building a strong relationship with my sister
30. I am building a stronger relationship with my parents.
31. I work with my partner to build a simple foundation for life.
32. I work with my partner to be a good earth steward
33. I take actions to let my loved ones know I care about them.
34. I acknowledge that not all the pieces can be the best.
35. I work transparently with my partner regarding our finances.
36. I work with my partner to have a farm.
37. I work to learn to be better equipped to live with less and less


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 10:55 pm 
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Revised values after considerations from Exercise 5.

Code:
Universal values:
1. Integrity
2. Mindfulness
3. Fidelity(Mental and Physical)
4. Honesty
5. Companion/Protector
6. Growth
7. Creativity
8. Financial Stability
9. Hardworking/Persistence
10. Strong family bonds
11. Dependability
12. Humility
13. Nature
14. Pride in work
15. Minimalism
16. Freedom of choices(others and myself)
17. Academic
18. Take actions out of kindness
19. Sexual Gratification (for both myself and my wife)
20. Sexual Exploration (Trying new and exciting things with my wife)


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:23 am 
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Initial daily monitoring list:
Code:
1. Did I act with integrity in all my actions today?

2. Have I been honest in my communications with my wife?
-If not what was I dishonest about?

3. Did I have a meaningful conversation with my wife today?
- if not how many days has it been since our last meaningful talk?

4. Did I spend over $20 today?
-Was that expenditure discussed or planned?

5. Did I engage in compulsive behavior today?
-did I notice the behavior and stop it?
-did I choose a path with triggers for my compulsive behavior intentionally?

6. Did I reach out to a family member or friend today?

7. Did I consider the consequences of each of my actions before acting?
- is there a pattern to what I considered or did not consider?

8. Did I preform at least 1 act of service for my wife today?
-If not how many days has it been?

9. Did I take any action without considering how that will impact my partner?
If yes, what action(s) were they?

10. Is there anything I said I would do that is not done yet?

11. Did I learn something new today?

12. Did I create something today?



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:39 am 
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The first place I have seen a change from the workshop in my life is in my positive daily affirmations. I started these shortly before finding RN and I have seen my list of affirmations mutate intentionally to focus on the values I am working on developing. Initially it was simply about honesty, now I have Incorporated compassion, being a good partner, thankfulness, and mindful behavior.

Also I am seeing the importance of being a multi-faceted individual. Since the workshop is about the process of lifeskill/value development. Since I was moving forward along the life check boxes, and successful enough I never questioned if I was missing something, this workshop has already helped me see I was/am lacking in some key ways, including my decision making methods, anf my prioritization of values.
(Doing what feels good does not make a decision right. )


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:20 pm 
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A little out of order, but for exercise 10, the list of compulsive items,people, and locations.

Code:
IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread.
Old Emails and Chat logs (Gmail account)
URLs for porn I used to visit regularly (My head)
Google maps of where I used to look for hookers (internet)


V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object.
Memories of stripers I used to see
Kristen memories

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.
Internet: URLs for cam girls, Sites for porn videos, Email of sexual nature, Hooker/escort advertising sites, Sensual Massage locator
Internet: Shopping for sex toys or accessories hoping to find something sexual images.
Travel in person to: International Ave. Oakland, or Watt Ave. Sac to look at hookers


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:25 pm 
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Also out of order, exercise for lesson 11 and 12, list of behaviors that I have seen in myself from a healthy recover and from an unhealthy recovery.

Code:
Traits of an unhealthy recover that I relate to:
Likely to continue to struggle with relapse:
1. Their motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others.
   I am torn on this behavior because honestly I started to look into recovery because my life with my wife was in jeopardy, however since starting this process, I feel like my motivation has shifted to be about becoming a fully developed individual, with a true sense of morality, and with that I hope to maintain my marriage as well.
2. They often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out.
   Before starting this workshop, my thoughts when caught lying about or in the act of masturbating, was a combination of shame, and regret. Directed at myself. Not particularly empathetic for my partner's feelings. So this seems like a trait I exhibit.
3. Relationship with significant other is as described: "...across the entire emotional scale. Their emotional experiences are usually presented in their extreme..."
   I swing heavily from one happy lovey mood to deep disparaging butt-ness, I have not identified why, and I hope it is not for purposes of manipulation, it may not be at the conscious level, but it could still be a manipulation. So this worries me.
   
Likely to occasionally struggle with Relapse:
1. They often jump from addiction to addiction
   I have family members that have troubles with physical addictions, alcohol, nicotine..., and I have seen a family habit of swapping one addiction for another. I have also seen it in myself when something is new/fun/exciting I jump in whole heartedly, and stay their until either something better comes along or the source runs out.
2. They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues — creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger — they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.
   I have had mental health issues in the past, but working through the workshop so far, I have felt very heavy emotional swings and some moments of depression deeper than I felt in a long time.
3. Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
   I have been purging triggers that I have found, and deleting old accounts. This seems like a good idea, but I worry it is me getting addicted to the recovery step, or still being controlled by my triggers.
4. They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
   So far abstinence has been my measure of success, abstaining form triggers, urges, and when I have them consulting my wife. but this means avoidance is the current metric, and I do not think it is sustainable, but not a terrible place to start.
5. They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings
   This has been a problem for a long time in my life, always analyzing actions.

Behaviors of a Healthy Early Recovery:
1. In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
   Been doing a lot of emotional wrestling with myself and doubt is a big part of that.
2. In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
   Recognizing urges coupled with looking at actions I have taken, it has shaken me deeper than I thought it could.
3. In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves.
   So far I have refrained from acting out, but knowing that this behavior is normative, but likely needs curtailing is good news.
4. In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc.
5. In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
   From this list alone it is great to hear that one feeling with respect to likely to struggle with relapse is not enough to discredit the effort, or that any one can change it depends on awareness and effort. And like we said in lesson one taking an active roll in my change.
6. In early recovery, significant others tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls".
   Feeling like a degenerate, and empty since what used to fill my time is not something I am doing any longer. But having yet to develop the tools needed.

   Middle Recovery:
1. They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
   I am seeing my deficiency in a new light, and working on using positive values to drive decisions, best I can guess since I have not been through that lesson yet. But I feel good about the way this is moving forward.
2. Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
   I feel like this was taken directly from my list of values... Also feeling good.
   
I think that this list is great, but I need to remind myself that salt makes sugar sweeter. Or in this case the doubts cast by the traits likely to lead to relapse are needed to temper my excitement about the traits I see in myself that line up with a healthy recovery, and use that to hone my focus on developing my morality and rounding out myself as a person.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:35 pm 
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Exercise 16, Positive aspects (short-term) of my compulsive behavior:
1. Stress relief (Known biochemical response to masturbation)
2. Sense of accomplishment
3. Control (This was something I could do for myself, and no one could stop me)
4. It provided me with a secret, something I knew that many others did not know
5. Confidence boost

I could probably stretch to include/think of other feelings/emotions that arose regularly from masturbation, going to strip clubs, or hiring a prostitute.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:09 am 
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Exercise 17, Version 2, I think my first version was off, as it included the ritual, and the components, instead of just the broken down components.

Code:
Suspense - In the search for porn, a dancer, a massage parlor, or a prostitute
Fantasy - Imagining what/who I would find/that I am helping the poor sex-worker
Past - Either by looking for doplegangers in porn, or successfully finding a willing partner (this did not happen often outside of compulsive behaviors for me)
Sensory - Look/Listen/Smell as appropriate for medium/partner.
Danger - Looking at more and more extreme porn, or driving around visiting a parlor or prostitute
Accomplishment - Reaching orgasm/acting like a dancer or prostitute cared about me/Getting away with a crime
Power - Selecting a partner, instead of them chosing to reject me
Orgasm - Either at home via masturbation or with a prostitute


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 11:21 pm 
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Exercise 18

II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals.
Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play.
Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed.
Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.
Code:
Compulsive Ritual: Masturbation with Pornography (multiple times a day)
Time - I had a limited window to find the clip I wanted to use for best results, otherwise I would never view the clip and feel a bit dissatisfied just using the preview thumbnails, or orgasming while searching for the perfect scene. And if I spent too long looking at a scene after orgasm I would feel disgust, there was a speciic timing to when and what to view.

Habituation - I saw habituation in the visual stimuli I would use while masturbating. I was masturbating 4+ times per day, and to find new stimulating clips required different porn. I started with simple images, practically cartoons, but soon graduated to 30 second preview clips, then to full soft core porn scenes, and eventually to hardcore/multipartner, then I tried different fetish videos, and eventually was able to come back to where I started to repeat the cycle. As habituation set in I saw the change in my tastes for porn, and in each cycle as I would find myself desensitized/non-stimulated sooner and sooner with each cycle.
 
Intensity - I would start with a moment from my day or a fantasy I wanted to see come to reality. Then it was a quest for the right clip, but I found with time I had the right clip in mind most of the time. I could find the clip faster even jump to the parts I wanted to see as I familarized myself with some regularly used scenes. These scenes began to take on a personality, they were the ones I could jump to if I needed to orgams quickly or intensely. When it was about the ends instead of the process.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:30 am 
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Exercise 20

Code:
1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date.
Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it.
Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood) explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period.
Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction).

The short of the long of my background, and history with masturbation and sex workers is simply that after being uprooted, it was a nice fallback to generate a little happiness in my pubescent years, and after a history of poor socialization and rejection, sex workers that don't say no was a welcome reprieve to my social ineptitude. Stressed, Bored, Need a distraction, that was something I thought I needed from a partner, and so I substituted that for a tried and true mechanism, either self gratification, masturbation, or using sex workers. 




2) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?

If I were to encounter a cataclysmic event like the loss of a partner, parent or child. The last time I experienced a death close to myself I spun out into sex workers, and masturbation. anything to make myself feel less shitty. I did had a one night stand when that happened last time, and though I was single she was married for over 10 years, and that act crossing a line I did not think I would cross is what broke me out of my tailspin. I do not want to get that far down again, and I think I would see the signs of escalation again if that were to happen. Momentary happiness is not worth the pain it caused long term. I hope it would be a slow return something I could curb and shut down early before the state of addiction returns.

In the other cases boredom or worry would be the biggest triggering emotions and those are ones I hope to curb with replacement habits and working towards values that are more meaningful than the few seconds of pleasure an orgasm helps bring about.

Point is for my future, grief is the biggest emotion/process I would worry about a return to addiction, since I did manage my grief with sex/masturbation in the past. Boredom/worry/new responsibilities, I could see my addiction helping form a temporary reprieve from those feelings, but they come back and procrastinating on them does not help them go away. If it were to come back it would be a slow creeping I think where I get on the cycle of escalating stimulation back at step one. And my hope is that I can build values that replace the immediate gratification mechanism I have been working with for so long, and when boredom/worry/doubt come into mind I have a means to extinguish them early.


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