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PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2018 9:38 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Thank you kenzo.

Divulging post acting out is in no way a get out of jail card, but it is a starting point to a larger discussion. One I am fortunate enough to have a partner for. I do not feel absolved, and still think about and analyze my feeling and use that time as a barometer.

I totally agree, the goal is new habits, life-skills, and emotional/neural pathways. Building them is long term, and I am fortunate to have someone, a partner, to help me with the process.

And the discussion with my partner covered the pre-point emotions and all the places I could stop that thought train.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 8:26 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex 35.

1. Today I will seek out opportunities to express my gratitude.

This will be on a sticky note on my keyboard.

2. Weekly Agenda. Saturday(s)(mostly...)
Questions to ask myself
1. Where did I derive my fulfilment and joy from this week?
2. Where did I expend my energy? What were my stressors? Traumas?
3. How well did I maintain balance?
Were there times my skills were defficient?
Did I turn to compulsion?
4. Looking ahead to the next week should I be aware of any upcoming hiccups? Anniversaries, holidays, deadlines, stressors?
5. How am I doing at reaching out to friends and family?
6. How is the farm?


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:57 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex 36
I. I lost two friendships when I allowed my desire for physical pleasure and anstant gratification to lead to a sexual experience with a fromer co-worker, in her house, with her husband drunk asleep in the next room.

Ii. I am setting a boundary to explore sexual experiences only with my wife. To support this boundary I have the negative consequences of promiscuity as a reminder.


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PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 7:39 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Values:
Honesty
Financial stability
Sexual exploration/fidelity

Rules
Honesty with my wife:
1. Speak the whole truth
2. Omission is a lie
3. Small lies undermine the whole story.
4. I take responsibility for my actions.
5. The most logical explanation will be taken if proof is unavailable
6. Honesty is easiest the first time around, keep things easy.

Financial responsibility
1. Major spending decisions are made together.
2. I share my account status freely with my wife.
3. No more than two items financed at one time.
4. Small spending decisions are discussed, pre or post fact
5. There will be times finances must be put aside, we discuss all aspects of the situation before proceeding.

Sexual boundaries/exploration:
1. I engage in sexual activities only with my wife.
2. The motivation my for sexual activity is love and admiration
3. Sexual activities require both partners to be willing
4. If either of us do not want to do something g we can say no. And that is okay.
5. Masturbation is a sexual activity.
6. Boredom and frustration are not reasons to masturbate
7. I openly share my desires to explore with my wife.

Boundaries:
1. I choose my actions so I want to openly share them with my wife.
2. I act in a way I would like to see my future children act. I want to tell them positive honest recounts of my life.
3. I consider the consequences of my actions, and make choices that help those I love the most.


Last edited by Shm00p on Sun May 06, 2018 6:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2018 6:58 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex. 38.
Threats to boundaries.
1. Asked to lie to avoid a major expenditure.
A. Helps with temporary financial stability
B. Not lying to my wife
C. Asked to do it by my wife
Conflict: honesty and integrity at odds with loyalty to my wife and our financial goals
Result: turbulent emotions and frustration
Action to resolve: discussion of the conflict with my wife. Quantitative analysis of the costs and it was obvious that the like was not worth it.

2. Ogling strangers:
A. Not something I want to share with the world.
B. Instinct to some extent
C. Crosses to voyeurism
D. May not be appreciated by the person I am objectifying.
Conflict: sexual arousal vs honesty and fidelity. And a disrespect for another person's boundaries.
Result: frustration as I fight the urge to ogle with the cerebral I shouldn't ogle and I do not engage sexually with people other than my spouse. Continued feeling of curiosity and fear of missing out on an arousing coincidence/sight
Action to resolve:
ideally acknowledge what was seen. Affirm how I love my life, make a change to limit my thoughts. Remind myself of my values. And move on to a value giving thought or activity.
Problem right now is that that moving boxes
is harder to do than say.


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PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2018 6:58 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex. 38.
Threats to boundaries.
1. Asked to lie to avoid a major expenditure.
A. Helps with temporary financial stability
B. Not lying to my wife
C. Asked to do it by my wife
Conflict: honesty and integrity at odds with loyalty to my wife and our financial goals
Result: turbulent emotions and frustration
Action to resolve: discussion of the conflict with my wife. Quantitative analysis of the costs and it was obvious that the like was not worth it.

2. Ogling strangers:
A. Not something I want to share with the world.
B. Instinct to some extent
C. Crosses to voyeurism
D. May not be appreciated by the person I am objectifying.
Conflict: sexual arousal vs honesty and fidelity. And a disrespect for another person's boundaries.
Result: frustration as I fight the urge to ogle with the cerebral I shouldn't ogle and I do not engage sexually with people other than my spouse. Continued feeling of curiosity and fear of missing out on an arousing coincidence/sight
Action to resolve:
ideally acknowledge what was seen. Affirm how I love my life, make a change to limit my thoughts. Remind myself of my values. And move on to a value giving thought or activity.
Problem right now is that that moving boxes
is harder to do than say.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 2:20 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
Hi Shm00p,

I've learned many lessons here on RN and one of them has been the importance of evolving various aspects of my recovery. Everything from my monitoring, my definition of recovery, my perceptions of triggers and my behavior, to my original vision has required me to develop it in ways that will stay relevant to the here and now.

I recently evolved my own vision to match my recovery and am curious how you might benefit from doing the same. Just by adding some more detail and practicality, it has allowed me to set even more specific goals and make healthier decisions.

If you take a look back at Lesson 2, does your vision still match who you are and where you are going? This is not meant as an additional exercise, but something for your consideration as you continue on your path of health.

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 10:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Thank you very much, Anon. That has been a very helpful suggestion. And is very aptly timed.

Evolution is such a slow process, it is an important step to look back and see the changes that have been made. In the months I have been on here, the differences are wild. How I handle boredom and daily stressors is changing for the positive. Seeing where I can derive joy and a sense of accomplishment from has shifted greatly, and my relationship with my wife is truly growing more rooted and deeper, not just the face of the relationship.

Thank you again.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 10:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Thank you very much, Anon. That has been a very helpful suggestion. And is very aptly timed.

Evolution is such a slow process, it is an important step to look back and see the changes that have been made. In the months I have been on here, the differences are wild. How I handle boredom and daily stressors is changing for the positive. Seeing where I can derive joy and a sense of accomplishment from has shifted greatly, and my relationship with my wife is truly growing more rooted and deeper, not just the face of the relationship.

Thank you again.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 11:10 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex 40.

Part 1. Thoughts on the values of others.

Exploring the values I understand for my wife as an initial point. I was able to identify 10 or so values she holds close. Many of them are shared between us, though that does not make them free from possible violation. Extrapolating out from there the root of protecting the values of others is respect. Understanding the consequences of my actions, and seeing others as individuals.

This hooks into objectification(and a need to root out that behavior), in that seeing others not as people but as objects makes it easy to ignore their boundaries, and step on/over their values. The hard part is that we are all individuals with different values, and to assume my values are someone else's is fool hardy, especially when I can see some of my own deficiencies. But social norms, and the Golden rule provide a good starting point. Social norms may not perfectly reflect another's value system, but they are generally a safe set of values to assume are in place. Emphasizing safe, not perfect, but also likely to keep everyone feeling good about an interaction.

Part 2. Reaction to a violation of values.
Again this comes down to respect, and viewing others as individuals. I need to know that I will not know every value boundary, and knowing that I can step back and not be defensive about violating another's values. That does not make the transgression okay, but it is the start to remain non-defensive and open the lines of communication.

Once we are there, the next step will be to understand the boundary, where did I over step. And acknowledge that I did over step. Take responsibility for transgressing. This will also let us look at surrounding stressors and actions so future us can prevent the behavior if it is recurrent.

Apologize, explain behavior to understand the root of the value, we can discuss how or what can be done differently and we can explore the turbulent feeling of the violation, and the lead up and aftermath.

We will then explore changes and possible reparations, and what can be done to fortify that value.

Short form:
Acknowledge, avoiding denial and accepting values. Get empathetic
Atone make possible repairs and apologize.
Build an action plan, see the opportunity for learning.

The core is respect, that value of self and others. If I am doing the best I can to hold respect and integrity as my motivators that takes care of 90% of the interactions.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2018 7:28 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex 44

A. Core identity, is the epitome of the consience. It has two roles in recovery. First it is that our goal is to build it into a usable tool and guide. Second it is the autopilot we rely on in many situations if we are not able to continue forward mindfully. So it's role in recovery is both that of a goal marker(a usable resource we can build) and a coach( training ourselves to be better and avoid lapses)

B. Value based decision making is how we strengthen the core identity. It is how we retrain it to speak up in our mind when we are heading down a dangerous path. It is how we learn to listen for that voice.

C. I have a lot of listening to do with my core identity. I know it is getting stronger and it is changing with every day.

When I start to head down a path of danger or of health I feel it tugging inside. Either cheering me to good decisions or casting a doubt on dangerous ones. It is amazing the changes I see in myself, the evolution to a better me. And in retrospect I can look back at my slide to depravity.

With each decision I either bolster or decay the way the voice of consience guides me. With healthy value driven choices I let the voice get louder and be a better guide to other positive choice. With each impulse driven choice that voice becomes less capable of helping me make health value driven choices.

This has been a long time to think on core identity and it is a powerful exercise.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:42 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3798
Location: UK
Hi S
Quote:
This has been a long time to think on core identity and it is a powerful exercise.


Indeed but perhaps it is time to progress?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 10:25 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
K,

It is time. I have been in a good enough spot and back burnered my recovery lessons. Thank you for the prompt NG...

You are a huge help.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 2:13 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
I have fallen into a pitfall that was mentioned often in the early part of the recovery program. Specifically I have shifted my addiction from sexually acting out to something else. For me this is still sexual in nature, but instead of seeking orgasm or sexual pleasure directly, I beat myself up internally/emotionally. I then discuss it with my wife, she understands, and I feel my disparaging thoughts lift. Restoring emotional balance.

This was hinted at before and Kenzo pointed it out as a possible pitfall. I walked right into it. Thank you all for providing a healthy place to be. A place to share and a place to grow. Not sure anyone will read this outside of the coaches, but I have felt so much growth in my time working with RN and my outside therapist and with the support of my partner. Thank you.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 2:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:35 am
Posts: 44
Ex 45.
Shifted compulsive ritual:
1. Minor discomfort, usually of a sexual nature.
EG: see cashier that has flirted with me, see scantily clad actress on TV.
2. More discomfort. Recognize the healthier choice that exists, but ignore it. EG: go down the lane next to problematic cashier, look up the cast list for the episode
3. Guilt for ignoring my consious and taking the less healthy choice.
4. Shame for dwelling on the original stimulation.
5. Pride building up courage to talk to my wife
6. Relief in opening up to her, and her usual forgiveness

Step 3. I think is my point of no return in this case. Once the guilt starts to weigh on me I think my next course of action is to work up to telling my wife and asking for her help for the future. But the steps are actually very simple, choose health. Follow the consious I have been rebuilding in this workshop.


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