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PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 11

Assessing my Compulsive Behaviour

Fantasy
I have a lot of short sexual fantasies daily. I do not know how to stop these fantasies from appearing. They usually happen when I see an attractive woman at any given place (work, restaurant, train,...). On the one hand I do not like these fantasies. They don not reflect how I am. But on the other hand they kind of make me feel powerful in that moment.
The fantasies never appear when I am busy or concentrated. They usually appear when I am bored or just walking/sitting. The fantasies are only a couple of seconds long. They never involve my partner. I think that they are triggered by some kind of anger deep inside me towards women. But I don't know.

Porn and Masturbation
I watched a lot of porn in my life. It started when I was young. Watching porn is always connected with masturbation and vice versa.
When I was sad or very happy I wanted to watch porn. Any kind of special emotion was a trigger which made me watch porn and masturbate. I usually felt terrible after orgasm which sometimes made me continue watching porn.
When I was bored and sitting at the PC I sometimes started watching porn out of curiosity which usually resulted in masturbation.

Internet
The internet (which includes porn) is my main problem. I spent countless hours browsing on the internet. It helped me relax or stay neutral. Any kind of emotion triggered this behaviour. I always wanted to discover something new on the internet (porn, youtube, 9gag, facebook, news). It never made me feel good afterwards. It was almost impossible to stop. It sometimes kept me from sleeping and eating.
When I was alone at home I always started the PC and was caught in the internet. It was difficult for me to do something useful when I was home alone.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:05 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hi User
last year (yes that long ago) you wrote
Quote:
Where do I see myself in the future?


I want to be a good partner.


so where do you see yourself?

I am not here to judge but IMO sex addicts do not make good partners
are you prepared to change?
RN can help you but only if you want to be helped and are prepared to help yourself

:pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:56 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Hello,

I misjudged my recovery process. After writing my last post I stopped doing this workshop. This was a big mistake. At that point everything was great in my life. I was productive, I felt great, I was in complete control over my actions. This was probably the time of my life I am the most proud of (until now). But about three months after uploading the last post I relapsed. After that I started to relapse more and more and lost control until I realized that my behavior is the exact same as before I started the recovery process. The process from feeling great to going back to old behaviors was a slow but steady one. The biggest mistake was to stop this workshop and thinking that I have enough tools to live a better life. Clearly I was not ready. Now it is up to me to not repeat this mistake.

Despite being unhappy with my current situation it took me quite some time (months) to finally come back to this site and restart the recovery.

I will finally start my (hopefully last and successful) serious attempt to recover from my addiction right now.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:40 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 1

A
1) I fully commit myself to change. The healthy recovery is my priority number one for the near future.
2) The last few months I felt guilty. This kept me from returning to this site and restarting my healthy recovery process. From now on I will not allow guilt or shame to sabotage my recovery.
3) Last time I underestimated the time it takes to change. I will give myself time to change.

B My Motivation (in no particular order)
1) I want to spend my time in a useful manner.
2) I want to be productive at work and at home.
3) I want to finish an excellent Ph.D.
4) I want to finish my part time studies with very good grades.
5) I want to do sports regularly.
6) I want to feel 'proud' at the end of every day for my accomplishments.
7) I want to spend quality time with my partner regularly.
8) I want to stay in touch with my family and good friends.
9) I want to be in control of my actions and my behavior.
10) I want to be a good colleague.
11) I want to live a healthy lifestyle.
12) I want to mature mentally.
13) I want to be a good role model for my future kids.

C
Unfortunately I do not have a picture at hand. I will do this step in the near future.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:41 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 2

My Vision
One of my main goals is to become a respected scientific researcher. At the end of my career/life I want to be able to look back and realize that I had an impact on the scientific community. I want to be a role model for younger scientist and support them to achieve their own goals.

Furthermore, I imagine myself living in a house with my family outside of a city. We have a nice garden where we can relax and calm down. Every day I cycle to work a couple of kilometers to enjoy the fresh air and to stay fit. I support my partner to achieve her personal goals and I let her help me achieve mine.

My partner and I will have about two or three children that are raised to be kind and hardworking. It is important to me that I give my children the necessary tools to live a healthy and balanced life. I want to give them the chance to not become addicted as I am right now.

We will have at least one vacation per year where we are active together (cycling, hiking, canoeing,...). We spend most of our vacations camping and enjoying nature. At the end of my life my family and friends should see me as a kind and helpful person. I want them to see me as a role model for living a healthy and fulfilling life.

Every year I want to learn something new that is not directly related to my job or usual hobbies. Something that I want to learn in the near future is for example sailing and climbing. Most of these workshops I want to attend with my partner.

Moreover, it is important for me that I have a good relationship to my parents and my siblings. That means that we see each other regularly and spend quality time together.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2018 10:05 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 3

List of values

I want to be productive at work
I want to be a kind co-worker or advisor by being patient and helpful for colleagues
I want to stay curious to learn new skills
I want to be a good partner by supporting my partner in reaching her goals
I want to be a good son, brother and uncle by spending quality time with my family

I want to take a long (30-90 km) bike ride at least once a week
I want to following through with my goals and projects
I want to go to the gym at least twice a week
I want to finish every homework in time for my studies
I want to role model kindness and open mindedness to my children

I want to finish my part time studies with very good grades
I want to take breaks from any external stimulation to relax at least once per day

Being an inspiration to others
Being dedicated
Developing intellectual depth
Bringing joy to others
Providing quality in my work
Establishing competence in my field
Being respected as a professional by others
Staying active
Being reliable
Humbleness
Sense of humor
Sense of responsibility
Taking care of myself
Being challenged; overcoming challenges
Developing emotional maturity
Creativity
Experiencing fatherhood
Physical health
Feeling appreciated
Being recognized as an expert in my field
World-wide recognition
Being respected
Being judged trustworthy
Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
Control
Curiosity
Being a leader
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Be known as truthful and honest
Respecting Mother Earth
Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
Self-discipline
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children

Dark Side

not being in control
being unproductive
wasting time
looking for distractions
feeling guilty/ashamed


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:54 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 4

Ordered list of values

1. I want to be productive at work
2. I want to finish my part time studies with very good grades
3. I want to take breaks from any external stimulation to relax at least once per day
4. Control
5. I want to be a good partner by supporting my partner in reaching her goals
6. I want to be a good son, brother and uncle by spending quality time with my family
7. I want to finish my part time studies with very good grades
8. I want to take a long (30-90 km) bike ride at least once a week
9. I want to go to the gym at least twice a week
10. I want to be a kind co-worker or advisor by being patient and helpful for colleagues
11. I want to following through with my goals and projects
12. I want to stay curious to learn new skills
13. I want to role model kindness and open mindedness to my children
14. Developing emotional maturity
15. Self-discipline
16. Being a leader
17. Respecting Mother Earth
18. Humbleness
19. Being reliable
20. Being dedicated
21. Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance

Being an inspiration to others
Developing intellectual depth
Bringing joy to others
Providing quality in my work
Establishing competence in my field
Being respected as a professional by others
Staying active
Being reliable
Sense of humor
Sense of responsibility
Taking care of myself
Being challenged; overcoming challenges
Developing emotional maturity
Creativity
Experiencing fatherhood
Physical health
Feeling appreciated
Being recognized as an expert in my field
World-wide recognition
Being respected
Being judged trustworthy
Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
Curiosity
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Be known as truthful and honest
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2018 2:39 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 5

15 important values

1. I want to be a good partner
2. I want to be productive at work
3. I want to finish my part time studies with very good grades
4. I want to be a good son, brother and uncle by spending quality time with my family
5. I want to be physically fit
6. I want to be a kind co-worker or advisor by being patient and helpful for colleagues
7. Control
8. I want to following through with my goals and projects
9. I want to stay curious to learn new skills
10. I want to role model kindness and open mindedness to my children
11. Developing emotional maturity
12. Self-discipline
13. Being dedicated
14. Respecting Mother Earth
15. Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance

The most important values for me are by far the first five ones.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 10:25 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Lesson 6

Proactive action plans I

I want to be productive at work
  • do not get distracted by the internet (youtube, 9gag, Sport-Apps, News, etc.)
  • use browser-extensions to block those sites to get reminded not to go there
  • do not do private things (planning vacation, planning bike rides, internet shopping, etc.) during work time
  • use a timer to split work day into smaller work sessions (45 min) with short breaks in between
  • focus on small tasks instead of seeing only the big problem
  • do not get discouraged if something does not work out as planned

I want to be physically fit
  • going once a week to spinning class (Thursday)
  • having a bike ride for 30-80 km at the weekend
  • going to the gym once a week (Tuesday)
  • stretching after workouts
  • doing twice a week exercises for the back to prevent back pain and headaches (in between work sessions or before going to bed)
  • expect to not be able to do everything every week due to more important obligations
  • if not motivated, shorten the time/distance of session but do not skip a session due to lack of motivation

I want to be a kind co-worker or adviser by being patient and helpful for colleagues
  • keep the door open most of the day
  • take time to listen to their questions
  • give constructive feedback during meetings
  • be patient
  • do not expect everyone to be ''brilliant''


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 6:30 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Proactive action plans II

I want to finish my part time studies with very good grades
  • at the end of the semester study at least at 6 days a week after work
  • use 45 min. intervals to stay concentrated
  • do all the exercises
  • do all the older exams as exercise
  • do not be disappointed if too tired to study
  • communicate with partner to get the needed time to study

Control
  • continue with this workshop to learn about more tools to be in control over my own actions
  • think about the current vision and values and act accordingly
  • use proactive action plans as a reminder what to do
  • do not get too hungry or too tired
  • when alone use the computer only when necessary
  • sit at the desk to study (not on the couch)
  • expect the exams to be very difficult

Respecting Mother Earth
  • recycle
  • let animals (insects) live
  • go by bicycle as often as possible (and not by car)
  • use public transportation instead of the car
  • do not use to many plastic bags


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 12:30 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Proactive action plans III

I want to be a good partner

  • Communication
    • spend time for a meaningful conversation where we can connect almost every day
    • make eye contact during conversation
    • initiate conversations
    • be honest
    • listen
    • do not get distracted
    • speak openly about problems/wishes
  • do my chores
  • Support
    • motivate her to do sports since it makes her happy
    • support her after work by listening to her
    • support her eating healthy (help in the kitchen)
  • Dates
    • ask her out on little dates
    • try to discover something new in the city with her
    • try new activities with her

I want to be a good son, brother and uncle by spending quality time with my family

  • see my nephew and brother once a week
    • try to connect with him and have fun
    • do not expect them to be available every week
  • call my other brother once a month and try to visit him as often as possible
    • do not expect him to be available every time
  • call my parents once a month and try to stay with them for a couple of days at least once a year

I want to following through with my goals and projects

  • set realistic goals
  • divide bigger projects into smaller ones
  • set realistic deadlines for smaller projects
  • expect to not meet the deadline every time
  • do not start to many projects at the same time


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:57 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Hello,

I was on vacation for the last couple of weeks. Therefore, I did not post anything in this forum and did not complete any lessons from the workshop. I had no real internet connection or computer. Therefore, it was easy to not have a relapse or to slip. Furthermore, I was constantly with my partner. That made it easy not to slip, too.

Now it is important to continue with the workshop and to not fall back into old unhealthy behaviors.

Honesty

All my life honesty was a difficult thing for me. While being a student I constantly lied to my parents when I had bad grades to avoid getting into trouble. But they found out anyways and I was in much bigger trouble for not telling them. This behavior was repeated many times while I was in school. When I moved out and got into university I got very good grades and was, therefore, not forced to lie about my grades. I am not sure if I had lied about bad grades. Somehow it became easier to be honest to important people around me. I realized that it was best to be honest about certain mistakes.

But I never told anyone about the seriousness of my addiction or that I think about being addictive to the "internet" and porn. It seems that the addiction is my biggest weakness. Moreover, it is kind of embarrassing to openly talk about using pornography. For me it is defiantly not easy to tell anyone (even or especially my partner) about my addiction.

While writing this I realized how important it is for my relationship that I am completely honest about my addiction and that I share my true self with my partner. But she is currently not present and we could only talk on the phone for the next couple of days. When she returns I will tell her about my addictive behavior personally and explain that I am working on myself to recover from my addiction. But I do not really know how to tell her about the addiction. Should I make a detailed plan before we talk? Do I have to show her this forum or can I tell her that I want some of these thoughts to stay private? If you have any advise on how to have this conversation I would be very happy.

Lesson 10

List of places with hidden items

none

List of people

none

List of places to act out

  • internet
    • watching porn
    • youtube
    • 9gag
    • online news sites
    • other websites to waste time on


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2018 5:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:41 pm
Posts: 24
Hello,

it is a long time ago that I continued with this workshop. In the past couple of weeks I had a very good time and was busy with life. I achieved a lot of my short term goals and feel like I am on the right track. A lot of times I think about my vision and my value list before making a decision and act accordingly.

However, I did not tell anyone about my addiction. I just do not know how to open up to my partner about this topic. It is difficult to tell her that I have a problem while everything seems to be great right now. On the other hand honesty is important in a relationship. I will tell her eventually.

This is the second time I am seriously trying to recover. Last time I basically stopped with lesson twelve since I thought I was ready for life. But I was definitively not ready and relapsed quite badly while having a stressful time. This time I have similar thoughts but I know better due to my experience. Therefore, I will now, that I am not so busy with life, continue with the workshop.

Lesson 12

Unhealthy recovery patters

  • "They often jump from addiction to addiction, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior — their use of addiction to manage their lives continues."
    • This partly applies to me. I can focus on activities (Sports, Reading, Studying, Working) quite intensively and neglect the rest of life. But I am aware of this and, therefore, detect such unhealthy behavior quite early.
  • "They believe that they are suffering from a disease that is beyond their control, but not beyond all hope."
    • I sometimes think that I have a mental condition, which prevents me from living a healthy life till the end of my life and that I constantly have to fight against this behavior.
  • "They believe that they are defective in the sense that their emotions, urges, impulses, etc. are experienced with much more intensity than "normal people". And this puts them at a disadvantage for living a "normal life"."
  • "They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible."
  • "Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction."
  • "They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues — creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger — they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other."

I found a lot of patters in the group "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Relapse". This is not very reassuring. This motivates me even more to continue with this workshop.


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