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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 8:05 am 
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Thanks for that Anon, I had a look at that and it perfectly described how I've been feeling lately and even used a lot of the words I've used in my journal the past several days (empty, broken, feeling like I've lost my soul). I've been trying to get on top of some of my goals lately, but I just have so little motivation to do them or anything for that matter that I've been struggling. It's helpful to know that this is all part of the process though, in fact, thinking of it as having emptied my system of all the junk from years of porn watching so that I can now fill it with positive things is quite motivational.

Lesson 30: Emotions vs Values

When your actions are consistent with your established values, positive emotions are produced. When your actions conflict with these values, negative emotions are produced.
~ I can have a good, relaxing evening after completing all my tasks for the day, in contrast to when I procrastinate I tend to feel unfulfilled and lazy

As you develop a deepening self-awareness, you will gain valuable experience in managing the extremes of your emotional intensity and will come to feel comfortable in situations which previously triggered intense fear and anxiety.
~ Reassuring. I tend to avoid doing a lot of things, as I am scared or anxious about the event, or putting myself in an uncomfortable situation.

without a foundation of values, value-based emotions cannot exist. Without value-based emotions, value-based decisions cannot be made.
~ Very obvious, but very true at the same time. How can I hope to live by a higher compass of emotions based on meeting my values if I don't have any or am not consciously aware of them in the first place? This has to be ingrained and so I have to live by these values day by day. There's no point being aware of them, but then doing the opposite. In time, this will become nature and it will be worth all the effort.

Our ability to comfort ourselves and provide emotional stability — comes from our ability to manage our emotions. Our ability to manage our emotions — comes from our ability to understand and commit to our values. This is imperative because without a base of such values, we are destined to manage our lives through spontaneous, chaotic, behavior-based emotions that hold little regard for long-term fulfillment.

~ This is pretty much how I've lived my whole life. Irritated with myself? - watch porn. Feeling down? - watch porn. Got rejected? - watch porn. It numbs the pain for a bit, but ultimately it prevents me from learning from these events and growing as a person.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2018 9:04 am 
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Lesson 31: Emotional Balance and Stability

I think I eroded away all of my values through porn- I became a dishonest person, one who doesn't take responsibility, erratic in my behaviour and unreliable, someone who doesn't stand up for themselves or what they believe in, someone who doesn't know how to have fun, selfish, self-absorbed, more into following the crowd.

I was the complete opposite as a kid, I was fun-loving, caring, confident with a bit of swagger, funny, reliable, independent, intelligent, reliable. Given there hasn't been a point in my life where I have been completely free of sexual compulsion, but at that early age I at least wasn't addicted to porn and masturbation. There's never been a point where I've been completely free from some sort of sexually compulsive behaviour technically; it'll be interesting to find out who I am as a person without that to fall back on. What are my full range of values?

Lesson 31 exercise

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

- Can't find a job (mild)
- Struggling to make progress with my music (mild)
- Got the opportunity to speak to an employer (mild)
- Lunch with some strangers (moderate)
- Found out some relatives I feel uncomfortable with were visiting (moderate)
- Decided to stay home rather than meet them (moderate)
- Feeling really off this week and very awkward (mild)

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

Partly the stress I am dealing with has to do with pursuing my values, the first half of the stress from last week is definitely from pursuing values. I can't find a job, because I am looking for the right job that I actually want to do (having purpose), I am struggling to make progress with my music which at least means I am making an effort to master that hobby (mastering skills/hobbies), spoke with an employer which is again me going for the job I want and had lunch with a couple I had just met is me making an effort socially.

On the other hand, I feel that some stress was created by me not facing up to my fears and not being decisive. I made excuses at first with meeting those relatives and couldn't decide what to do. I ultimately decided to avoid seeing them. I felt out of sorts and this could be seen as me valuing myself, as I don't particularly enjoy seeing them, but I know it's a bit selfish really when they rarely ever come up.

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?


I am gaining some stimulation from my values, I am gaining better control of my emotions and displaying better self control. I have been clean from porn and masturbation for just over 3 weeks now and have also been consciously avoiding staring at women's body's which makes me feel good about myself- I feel cleaner in myself. I've been showing love for God recently as well. I've worked on some of my hobbies/interests over the past week; spending time drawing and making music has felt like a good use of my time. I've also been actively working towards getting the job I want and have some interviews lined up for next week.

However, I feel like my main source of stimulation from my values will be meeting my social goals, as I feel like I should be the type of person that enjoys being around others and having fun. I have been struggling to derive much value from this recently, being in a situation with limited friends and being out of work meaning that a lot of my time currently is spent away from others. I feel like I could be more consistently active in some of my values, putting in more effort in things like making social occasions and mastering my hobbies/skills and through that gaining a life I am passionate about. I could also be more serious about some of my more passive, inner values, such as being more decisive and honest- I feel like I didn't fully live by these values this week.

Overall I can say I've made a good start building these values, but I could do with taking them more seriously/being more aware of them and consciously working towards establishing them in my life.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2018 11:19 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Hello RG
Quote:
Overall I can say I've made a good start building these values, but I could do with taking them more seriously/being more aware of them and consciously working towards establishing them in my life.


and that is why we consider recovery as a journey
one step at a time but keep moving forwards at your own pace
you know that it is worth the effort and that you {it'll be interesting to find out who I am as a person without that to fall back on} whoever that turns out to be, is also worth it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 10:09 am 
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Thanks for the comment Kenzo. I've got to remind myself that I can't expect change all at once, we're talking about rewriting years of negligent behaviour here. I've made a foundation at least and it's something I can build on.

Lesson 31: Evolving Your Practical Values

"I'll never find someone to love me the way that I want." "I'll always be this way." Nothing matters anymore." Such extreme thinking will not allow the addict to begin taking the small steps that will eventually lead to the long, life-altering journey.
~ I'm still having thoughts like this. Even today I was thinking of my social situation and how I don't have any real close friends and I just thought to myself "this is my destiny, I've lived my whole life being flaky and avoiding people so how can I expect my situation to be any different? It's too late for me now to find any true friends." This isn't true, surely I will be able to start connecting with people properly once I establish who I am as a person. Going back to old, short-term destructive habits will merely deepen the hole I'm already in.

The greater the progression of the behaviors, the less meaning found in external interaction (social interaction). Haphazard attempts at social integration are eventually abandoned altogether
~ This is pretty much me. I gave up socialising with people years ago or at least felt no compulsion to seek out social interaction when I had my best mate porn to rely on. I've gone through phases of trying to integrate some kind of social life, but each successive relapse has led me to go back to isolating myself.

Lesson 32 Exercise

1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.

These all need redoing - I haven't stuck to them at all since restarting the course. I may have vaguely followed some of them during my recovery, but not specifically

1) Being true to myself
- Haven't been doing any social challenges and have been fairly anti-social tbh. I have been making more effort to speak when I get the feeling however

2) Having love for myself
- I've been taking care of myself, getting 8hrs sleep, eating well and drinking lots of water. I've taken myself out of social situations that I thought may be too overwhelming for me at the time as well. I haven't always expressed my needs, but I have tried a bit more in that regard. Haven't really done any activities that I really wanted to do.

3) Knowing what I want from life and taking it
- I've done fairly well here, I've created a schedule of self improvement which includes several of my goals that I want to work on and have been keeping that updated. I could do with being a bit more specific in regards to progress on these goals and breaking them down into achievable segments.

4) Living synonymously with God’s standards
- I've been doing very well here, trying to live more honestly and studying the Bible more. It's still quite a struggle when my first inclination is to be dishonest at times ti get out of things, but I have legit being trying hard to be honest

5) Being able to enjoy life
- Something I really need to develop; I haven't looked at anything that I want to do and have been turning down most invitations to hang out

6) Bringing joy to others
- Haven't stuck to this at all. I haven't been in a very joyous mood for a while dealing with many ups and downs. I have tried to be more helpful though and go out of my way to help others at times tho when in the past I may have made an excuse to get out of it

7) Having self control
- I'm happy with my progress here. I've displayed good self control and better understanding and awareness of my emotions. I slipped up yesterday, but I have been making progress in controlling my eyes from staring at women. I've been meditating daily and have done 8 days in a row.

8) Forgiving myself
- I've done well not lamenting the past, I've accepted my past failures and am trying not to use them as an excuse for the present. I still do have th habit of wallowing in self pity a little as I mentioned above in regards to self-defeating thoughts such as "I will never find true friends". I need to move on

9) Appreciating God
- Been doing well here, obviously still room for improvement, but I have put in the most effort into this area than I have in years

10) Having a life I am passionate about
- I've started things here (practising music, starting my comic idea), but it's not very consistent. I need to start looking for things I am interested in and force myself to leave the house more

Can any coaches reading this also advise whether the direction in the paragraphs of this lesson regarding the present and going through all my triggers and eradicating them should be followed through on? I've gotten rid of most of my triggers, i.e.not visiting certain websites, watching certain shows, removing phone from bedroom. I could do with getting rid of my social media accounts as they are usually the first trigger to a relapse, but I am conflicted as I have used these to keep in touch with people. Please advise?


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 7:42 am 
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Hi RG,

Quote:
Can any coaches reading this also advise whether the direction in the paragraphs of this lesson regarding the present and going through all my triggers and eradicating them should be followed through on? I've gotten rid of most of my triggers, i.e.not visiting certain websites, watching certain shows, removing phone from bedroom. I could do with getting rid of my social media accounts as they are usually the first trigger to a relapse, but I am conflicted as I have used these to keep in touch with people. Please advise?

The main objective here is to avoid having obvious things that will trigger you conveniently to hand around you. The obvious things would be a supply of DVD's, magazine, bookmarks on certain bad websites, etc. The less likelihood there is of stumbling across something like this when innocently looking for something else (healthy) the less likelihood there is of coming across something that could unnecessarily trigger you. Some things are simple and others are less so. If you use social media to stay in touch with people then that may not be something to get rid off but you must be honest with yourself, recognise that when you use this it can trigger you and so when you do use it to be cautious to avoid anything inappropriate with its use. Only you will know whether that works or not, perhaps try it on that basis and then review and be honest with yourself, if you can't use it healthily without it leading to trigger you each time then perhaps consider a short break from it whilst you crack on with the lessons here which will give you the tools to better cope with it down the line?

The choice is yours though, I would just stress be alive to dangers and to be honest with yourself.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 10:25 am 
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learningtorun wrote:
Hi RG,

Quote:
Can any coaches reading this also advise whether the direction in the paragraphs of this lesson regarding the present and going through all my triggers and eradicating them should be followed through on? I've gotten rid of most of my triggers, i.e.not visiting certain websites, watching certain shows, removing phone from bedroom. I could do with getting rid of my social media accounts as they are usually the first trigger to a relapse, but I am conflicted as I have used these to keep in touch with people. Please advise?

The main objective here is to avoid having obvious things that will trigger you conveniently to hand around you. The obvious things would be a supply of DVD's, magazine, bookmarks on certain bad websites, etc. The less likelihood there is of stumbling across something like this when innocently looking for something else (healthy) the less likelihood there is of coming across something that could unnecessarily trigger you. Some things are simple and others are less so. If you use social media to stay in touch with people then that may not be something to get rid off but you must be honest with yourself, recognise that when you use this it can trigger you and so when you do use it to be cautious to avoid anything inappropriate with its use. Only you will know whether that works or not, perhaps try it on that basis and then review and be honest with yourself, if you can't use it healthily without it leading to trigger you each time then perhaps consider a short break from it whilst you crack on with the lessons here which will give you the tools to better cope with it down the line?

The choice is yours though, I would just stress be alive to dangers and to be honest with yourself.


Thanks L2R; I think the key for me is what you mentioned above in that I be looking for something in a healthy manner. Sometimes I will use social media in an unhealthy manner to manage my emotions (bored, stressed, depressed) and in the back of my mind I will know I am hoping I might find a triggering image to liven up my life. I've only been using it in a healthy manner these past few weeks, but I am aware this can change. I'll monitor my use over the next couple weeks and if I feel it is becoming a danger I will delete the accounts.

Lesson 32 exercise continued

I didn't completely finish this lesson, as it was quite lengthy....

In summary I feel I have done fairly well considering my proactive plans despite me not following them consciously. Since I last looked at them though, I have moved some of my priorities, particularly my social ones a bit further back until I have stabilised. I'll attempt to make some more realistic and specific action plans now.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:18 am 
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Lesson 33: Developing Emotional Maturity

for you to permanently end your addiction, you only need to become a master at managing your emotions
~ Is it true that all my relapses and urges can be reduced and traced back to simple emotion?
My last major relapse which occurred after going 89 days clean happened because I became lax and decided to sleep with my phone next to me after a very late night of drinking. I woke up with urges and immediately began surfing Instagram for pictures of girls, but I can trace this to emotion- I was feeling lazy and tired after such a late night and instead of my usual habit which was to get straight out of bed and visit the bathroom, I stayed in bed and fed that lazy, tired feeling by browsing the internet dangerously. If I had managed the feeling in a healthy manner I would have recognised the situation I was in, realised it wouldn't last and gotten myself out of bed straight away rather than feed the feeling.
My relapse after 105 days clean occurred due to depression and loneliness due to my girlfriend cheating on me. I decided to get back into the dating game by using a dating app, but this ended up being a porn trap for me which led to relapse. Again, if I had dealt with my emotions in a healthy manner I would have realised how vulnerable I was at that time.
My relapse after 70 days clean was caused by rejection after a night of drinking. I convinced myself I would never find a girl and comforted myself with porn.

The reality is, every emotion that you experience is finite. You may feel as if you experience certain things (like sexual urges) with more intensity than others, but you are wrong.
~ This is comforting as I have always in the past viewed my own addiction as some uncontrollable beast that is lurking in the recesses of my mind to which I am powerless to stop. I have also always thought of myself as particularly susceptible to porn and stronger urges than most people since my sexual addiction started at such a young age.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 1:36 pm 
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RG,
Quote:
I was feeling lazy and tired

Fatigue is no doubt a trigger for many, but I'm curious if there are any additional emotions, judgement, or thoughts that "lazy" brings to mind...

For example, if you're feeling "lazy"... is it a sense of guilt for "not doing more" or shame for "not being good enough"? Is it a sense of sadness or self-pity for not having energy? Loneliness? Fear? Disgust? Boredom? Stress?

Identifying the core emotion there may help you as you continue further through the lessons (and in turn your recovery).

Take it or leave it, just encouraging you to dig deeper.

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 10:38 am 
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anon523 wrote:
RG,
Quote:
I was feeling lazy and tired

Fatigue is no doubt a trigger for many, but I'm curious if there are any additional emotions, judgement, or thoughts that "lazy" brings to mind...

For example, if you're feeling "lazy"... is it a sense of guilt for "not doing more" or shame for "not being good enough"? Is it a sense of sadness or self-pity for not having energy? Loneliness? Fear? Disgust? Boredom? Stress?

Identifying the core emotion there may help you as you continue further through the lessons (and in turn your recovery).

Take it or leave it, just encouraging you to dig deeper.

Be Well,

Anon


Hi Anon, you're right- looking back I think the feeling of laziness can probably be attributed to something along the lines of loneliness, boredom and also shame. I felt ashamed that I couldn't get over one of my ex-girlfriends and was telling other people about private things that should have been kept between us. I felt lonely that there wasn't someone in my life or even a close friend to talk about things with. This led to the laziness since I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and face the world again, especially being tired as I was.

Lesson 33 Exercise continued

I found this exercise quite difficult, as I found it hard to picture the limit of these emotions and how it impacts my life. I have been meditating more recently however, and have been more aware of my emotions and thoughts, so I did several times over the past week notice how I was feeling and why I was behaving in a certain way. I might realise that I was anxious about something and was putting it off, so I was staring at my phone a lot to manage that emotion. Or I was feeling lonely so was checking my phone all the time to see if a girl messaged back. I did start to understand a bit better how many emotions I actually encounter during the day and how this can influence my behaviour. I still struggle to manage these emotions at times which can lead to compulsive behaviour which feels unmanageable- for feeling alone, so using this as an excuse to stare at pretty women on the street or to keep checking a girl's profile.


Lesson 34

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:

A few weeks ago I woke up feeling tired and alone. I had plans for that day with different people and knew that I would be very busy that day if I stuck to the plan. I felt drained and alone tho and knew I could get an instant rush just by looking through a few images on Instagram. I started browsing through various images and ended up relapsing. I cancelled my plans for that evening and continued to binge instead. I knew I would have had fun that night, but I knew it would have been harder work than what I had at my fingertips already.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

When I am fighting off one of my compulsive urges it feels like going against something good for me. It feels like it doesn't make sense to walk away, because it just feels so good. My whole body is telling me to stare at that woman, look at that picture, check my phone and it' telling me you'll feel good if you do it. Just yesterday I was speaking to this girl over social media and I felt compulsively drawn to check my phone every few minutes to see if she had replied, or to check her profile just to remind myself how attractive she was. I knew I should be doing better things with my time, but I felt glued to my seat or couldn't concentrate on something I was doing at the time. I couldn't focus on conversations or on what I was watching- I just wanted to keep checking my messenger. I started to feel very on edge later and could see where this kind of feeling was going, so I broke away from my room and socialised with some friends instead which distracted me away from the obsession.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

It's like being on auto-pilot, you don't have to think or worry about anything else- the pure focus is on immediate gratification and completing the ritual. All the past, all the future worries and obligations disappears and your only mission in life is to get that high. You start to think really clearly and calmly and are super-aware of anything that might prevent you from completing the ritual. It is like being in a trance, you are no longer yourself, just this creature that is hunting for this sexual high. Once you've orgasmed it is like waking out of that trance and you realise what you've done- reality comes crashing back down on you once you realise you should've been doing this, you were meant to meet that person, why did you watch that video it wasn't even that good?


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 11:32 am 
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Lesson 35: Health Monitoring II

This week has been interesting for me; I feel likeI have come out of my flatline after struggling with complete emptiness for nearly a month. I felt a lot more energy and my sense of humour returned, interacting with people wasn't as difficult or such a chore as before. At the same time I experienced higher libido and keeping my eyes and mind off women has been difficult. I need to clamp down on this over the next week. I asked a girl out as well lately (which she agreed to) that put a lot of pressure on me and although I ultimately handled it in a fairly mature manner by taking myself out to the gym to relieve some stress, I did resort to social media briefly before to take my mind off things. I didn't seek out anything unhealthy tho and was only on it for a couple of minutes. It's something to watch out for tho.

Lesson 35 Exercise

A. Over this next week I will look for opportunities to develop my creative ability. This is something I've been trying to integrate into my life, but it is very inconsistent and I will often disregard it if I am tired or stressed.

B. Weekly Monitoring
Question #1: Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment. Think specific actions you experienced, not general ideals
Question #2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? As in, was there chronic stress/pressure I had to manage? Were there any major traumatic events? Any intense emotional events?
Question #3: Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
Question #4: Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard? Deadlines, reunions, holidays, dates, etc.
Question #5: How focused was I this week to live up to my values? Was I aware of them and did I take them seriously?
Question #6: What kind of lifestyle did I live this week? Was it a healthy one?
Question #7: How was my relationship with others this week?


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 2:31 pm 
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Lesson 36: The Role of Boundaries

it is behavior which involves a conflict in your own value system that triggers emotional instability
~ I felt this today, like I wasn't being true to myself and had let myself down. I've felt anxious and miserable all day. I can also feel off from being indecisive or being conflicted in whether a certain action reflects or goes against my values

Rather than questioning their own actions, their own values, their own perceptions...they rely on their boundaries to identify what has occurred, and focus solely on strengthening those boundaries as a means of protecting their values.
~ This is something I struggle with; often when a relationship breaks down I will overanalyse the situation and end up allocating most of the blame on myself. I will often excuse things that the other party did which infringed on my boundaries and focus on my own actions

Lesson 36 Exercise

1. One of the last girls I went out with was very manipulative and selfish. She would often act in a way that I was very much aware of her behaving in a ridiculous and selfish manner and yet I would keep coming back for more and explaining away or ignoring her behaviour. During such behaviour I was keenly aware of what she was doing and how wrong it was, I could feel it in my gut that I had made a bad decision and she isn't worth building a relationship with. I would ignore such feelings and tell myself we could work things out. If I had a clear set of boundaries in place I would have taken the initiative and removed her from my life much sooner. I kept moving my boundaries further back until there was nothing left to protect.

2. When someone tries to take advantage of me or is ungrateful I can express how I am unhappy with their actions rather than bottling up my feelings. Not everyone has to like me and sometimes you can earn more respect by being open about your feelings or establishing your boundaries. This will protect my values of showing love for myself and being true to myself. Something I have neglected during my addiction as I often put others infant of myself to my detriment.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:44 am 
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Hi RG,

Quote:
it is behavior which involves a conflict in your own value system that triggers emotional instability
~ I felt this today, like I wasn't being true to myself and had let myself down. I've felt anxious and miserable all day. I can also feel off from being indecisive or being conflicted in whether a certain action reflects or goes against my values

As you progress through the workshop you become increasingly aware of your values and your emotions. You can either take your discovery negatively and feel anxious and miserable about it or alternatively you can take it positively by recognising that you are actually able to identify conflict situations with your values - that is a real step forward. As you keep working on this you can strive to identify the conflict quicker and quicker so that you can stop whatever is happening to provide that conflict whilst it is happening. As you come to master this you will head things off almost before they happen and that is where you want to be. So I say you should be pleased with what you have discovered and to take encouragement from it and let it move you further forward.

Keep it going my friend, you are doing well.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 3:04 pm 
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learningtorun wrote:
Hi RG,

Quote:
it is behavior which involves a conflict in your own value system that triggers emotional instability
~ I felt this today, like I wasn't being true to myself and had let myself down. I've felt anxious and miserable all day. I can also feel off from being indecisive or being conflicted in whether a certain action reflects or goes against my values

As you progress through the workshop you become increasingly aware of your values and your emotions. You can either take your discovery negatively and feel anxious and miserable about it or alternatively you can take it positively by recognising that you are actually able to identify conflict situations with your values - that is a real step forward. As you keep working on this you can strive to identify the conflict quicker and quicker so that you can stop whatever is happening to provide that conflict whilst it is happening. As you come to master this you will head things off almost before they happen and that is where you want to be. So I say you should be pleased with what you have discovered and to take encouragement from it and let it move you further forward.

Keep it going my friend, you are doing well.


Thanks L2R, that's a really good way to look at it- I am a lot more in sync with my emotions these days even if I still do get down at times or feel anxious. Before I would just let these feelings completely overwhelm me and I would maybe only realise at the end of the day how bad I've been feeling, whereas now I tend to notice such feelings as I am experiencing them. I've still got a long way to go in this regard, but it's a noticeable improvement I've made in this area.

Lesson 37: Identifying Personal Boundaries

Lesson 37 Exercise

I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five)

Being true to myself
- When I want to say something I will express myself
- I won't beat myself up for saying or doing the wrong thing
- I will express myself when I need something
- People have the right to think what they want about me, but I don't have to let this stop me being who I am
- I will stay alert to my inner self and try to act along with it

Having self control
- I will realise that I am the one in control
- I won't use my feelings or emotions as an excuse for how I act
- I won't look at women in a sexual manner
- I will stay alert to my thoughts and keep them clean
- I will look away when I see an attractive woman

Living honestly
- I will not lie even if it could negatively affect me
- A half truth or omission of information is the same as a lie
- I will express myself honestly and tactfully
- I won't make excuses to get out of things
- I won't make things up to look good

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

Absolute boundary #1~ I will treat others as I would wish to be treated
Absolute boundary #2~ I won't stare at women
Absolute boundary #3~ I will strive to keep my mind clear of unclean thoughts


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 3:52 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2017 10:52 am
Posts: 66
Haven't been doing great on my rules from the last lesson; I've been feeling increasingly horny over the past couple of weeks and am struggling to keep my eyes off women. My mind seems to be constantly on girls atm and I'm feeling distracted and anxious a lot. I just feel bad after staring at women as well, it builds up all this tension inside and puts me on edge. I've been trying to stick to that rule some days, but others I just go completely off track.

Lesson 38: developing Healthy Boundaries

Lesson 38 exercise

II.
- Being sent a sexual image by a girl~ this would stretch my self control value. I think I would find it very difficult to not look at the image or at least stop myself from repeatedly looking at the image. If I can keep training myself to look away from an image then it will become more natural, but I could easily convince myself that since she sent me the image it isn't porn and I haven't consciously sought out something manufactured. In this way I think the boundaries would be useful in constantly training my eyes and mind to stay clean, but ultimately it would be up to me how I handled the situation. I would need to constantly train myself in sticking to these boundaries otherwise there is a strong possibility they would fail.

- Being faced with severe peer pressure~ this could be pressuring me to do something or go out and partake in something that I am not keen in doing. I think my boundaries would come into my head as soon as I felt the pressure to respond in a way that contradicts what I really want. I have felt this over the past few weeks- whenever I get the urge to just agree or not speak my mind I am very aware of when I go against this value. Often when I get down about myself it will be because I didn't stay true to myself. For these boundaries to work tho I have to listen to them and not my emotions as it said in the workshop for this lesson:

Quote:
"it is when your emotions are involved in the “here and now” interpretation of an event that you experience the greatest risk for prolonging/intensifying the consequences of that event."


Under peer pressure I think my values would help me to be able to resist peer pressure regardless of the consequences. I might feel a bit weird afterwards, but it will give me lasting joy that caving to the peer pressure wouldn't provide.

III. I think my boundaries are sufficiently strong enough to resist challenges, I just need to be more focussed and stick to them, especially in the self control aspect.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 12:11 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hello RG
Quote:
Haven't been doing great on my rules from the last lesson;

I've been trying to stick to that rule some days, but others I just go completely off track.


So you know that some days you try and others you don't?
If that is the case then you should not be surprised that you go off track bringing what that brings
Quote:
I'm feeling distracted and anxious a lot., I just feel bad it builds up all this tension inside and puts me on edge.

I know that is not what you want
so dont just try, DO and DO EVERYDAY, I accept that as addicts we believe that simple statement / directive as being difficult but in reality it is not and it does get easier as your boundaries and values become ingrained


Quote:
I think my boundaries are sufficiently strong enough to resist challenges, I just need to be more focussed and stick to them, especially in the self control aspect.


You have the theory now put that theory into practice and then in the not too distant future you will reflect saying
I did it why did I worry so?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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