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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 4:21 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 112
Location: Ireland
Quote:
5. During the consultation notice and feel this pull between wanting to create a fantasy about how she is ex mad and would love to be ravished by me and how much I too would enjoy the affair and the opposite of being true to myself, acting maturly and with compassion with this young woman - she is here for my advice not for a quickie!! Emotions: Fantasy, Excitement, Adventure mixed with Fear of being caught, dissapointment and despair of the strength of my sexualised thoughts, Fear of what teh future may hold if I continue these fantasies.


I suppose what I learn forom a above is what the last number of weeks have shown me...that the further I go into the fantasy = the higher teh likelihood that I will engage in some type of sexualised behaviour (porn , mb etc.) Also it has shown me that unlike I may have previously thought that I would have these 'pulls to fantasy - of will I wont I and then I would either act out or I would'nt - I now realise that they were constant - every few hours and even though I may not have 'acted out' I was still feeding them making my day longer and more difficult.
Bulding better boundaries (by including the development of fantasy as a boundary) has meant that I have been more likely to cut those thoughts off at the root before they strengthen.
An example of that may have been last night. I was away from home in a hotel. Traditionally a very difficult struggle ensues.
Lat night not so much, not that the thoughts of acting out (mb. porn, viewing/ contacting escorts sites) did'nt come into my mind, they did, as usual BUT the difference may have been their intensity, due to that the craving was'nt as strong and I managed another successful night away on my own.
The lesson I am taking from that is that the more I feed a thought during teh day (even if I don't act on it) the more it builds up and will be looking for a release that evening/ a few days/ weeks later.
In other words the more I feed the wrong wolf, even though it may not attack me then, I am strengthening it for its attack in the future.
I need to view those dopamine producing short fantasies (seeing an attarctive woman walk by in lycra etc. etc. the more I am losing control of my rational thought an actions.

Quote:
6. Manage to bring myself to reality and provide the advice to the young lady in teh manner she would have expected and deserved, even gained her confidence when she volunteered to send her Mother in to see me who has a similar query. Emotions: relief that I had been able to take control of my leacherous thoughts and present a professional compassionate approach, Hope that maybe I can control these fantasies and my core values will rise to the fore.


The emotion I take from this is RELIEF - The fact that as I put it "being able to take control of my leacherous thoughts" and then feeling a sense of great relief that I did'nt develop those thoughts and act on them confirms that they are damaging me. draining my energy.
Clearly if I am getting a sense of relief then those thoughts rather than harmless, dopamine filled distractions should be recognised as DANGEROUS, UNHELPFUL and DESTROYING.
In the past I have been very guilty of minimising - "everyone does it' "its not liuka eACTUALLY acting out" "I need it" "I'm in control and can stop whenever I want"

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 8:45 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 112
Location: Ireland
Quote:
D. Consider the element identified just prior to 'the point of no return'. This is the element that you will want to isolate and use as your primary trigger for breaking a compulsive urge. Eventually, you can isolate multiple elements, and thus create multiple points where a compulsive event can be effectively stopped, but for now we will focus solely on this one element.


The example I gave was not a great one as I did'nt complete the ritual however I suppose I did engage longer in fanytasy than I would have liked to so perhaps teh 'point of no return ' was when I took that 'second look' at teh girls cleavage.
I would love to live my life without a need or desire to take a second look, Thats what I'm working on.

A better example of anm element in a chain may be what happened last night - I slipped :(
I was in bed on teh lap top looking at work related things when teh urge to just put some porn on my phone and mb came.
It all happened in an instant but if I examine it in the clois light of day I can see that the perfect storm was brewing - I was tired, alone, away from home, feeling sorry for myself, hav'nt done any lessons on RN for over a week and have been on a good 6 week stretch so convinced myself (in a split second) that it was ok to look at porn and mb, sure everyone does it and its alot safre than doing something more dangerous.......

The point of no return came as soon as I had the phone in my hand.

The break that was needed if that scenario played again was to move my phone away from me - phone my friend for support/ advice/ accountability, write out my values or say them out loud......
None of those steps were taken and I slipped, I enjoyed it while it was happending, the excitement, mental and physical stimulation but am now dissapointed.
Life is definitely better without such unwsb's.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 8:57 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 112
Location: Ireland
The next lesson begins with
In learning to manage compulsive urges, there are four skills that are necessary to master:

Quote:
You need to understand the role that compulsive behavior plays in your life (e.g. providing you with a means of achieving immediate emotional stimulation)


I wish I had read that last night!!!!

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 10:36 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3771
Location: UK
Hello Ace
a couple of months ago you posted
Quote:
last night - I slipped :(


that was your last post WHY????????????

slips can and do happen as does relapse but that/they are no reason to simply say F*** it :ni:

you can do this but only if you want to
what do you have to lose ? SFA
what do you have to gain? a life

CHOOSE
put that guilt and shame behind you
I suggest you reflect and as said CHOOSE

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2019 6:07 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 112
Location: Ireland
I have been MIA since late February.
Alike most of teh guys who sign up to this course and then dissapear it was not because I 'recovered' or found teh answer somewhere else.

It is because I slipped and felt bad, slipped again and have been on and off teh wagon ever since.

The more I put into 'recovery' - the more I get out of it but for some reason I cannot seem to COMMIT to daily recovery. I get a few days or weeks of sobriety under my belt and then slip. The self dialouge is the same " Go on - you deserve it - its no big deal - everyone (nearly) does it - you are not hurting anyone - C'mon man up and get it over with, you'll feel better and be more productive at work.......etc. etc."

Each of those statements is of course a lie. Its the addict trying to get what he wants.

Not sure now whether I should stsrt from teh beginning again or take up from where I left off.... I think I will do the latter and if I stick with it determine then if I should continue or restart.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Jun 24, 2019 6:26 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 96
Hi Ace,

Glad to see you are back.
First of all, if you slip, try and not feel bad about slipping and please do not avoid your RN work because of that. Everyone is here to help, so while you may be embarrassed to post it, hiding away will probably lead to more problems.

Quote:
The more I put into 'recovery' - the more I get out of it but for some reason I cannot seem to COMMIT to daily recovery. I get a few days or weeks of sobriety under my belt and then slip. The self dialouge is the same " Go on - you deserve it - its no big deal - everyone (nearly) does it - you are not hurting anyone - C'mon man up and get it over with, you'll feel better and be more productive at work.......etc. etc."


I will say that you have to commit to daily recovery and I will say, remind yourself that you are hurting someone even if that someone is YOU.

I would not suggest that you start again, but review your reasons, values & goals before moving on, make sure everything you wished for is still what you want as an end result.

The more you concentrate on the work, the more chance you have of succeeding.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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