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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2018 9:50 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 151
Location: Ireland
I slipped yesterday and today. I felt it coming on and saw the signs. In the past I would 'soothe' myself to sleep with thoughts of a sexual nature, I knew that they were wrong but they were just 'in my head' so they wernt really hurting anyone were they??
In recovery I learned that they were in fact setting me up for a fall, maybe not straight away but those thoughst definitely weakend my resolve at a time in the future when I could do with some strength.
I have made great progress in changing those thoughts to my values as I drift off to sleep in the last year.
So what happened?
I can point to a few things:
1. I stopped my daily or even weekly monitoring. When I daily monitor my incidences of acting out plummet. When I don't their likelihood increases.
I often reach a point where I feel that I don't 'need' daily / weekly monitoring only to slip and wonder what happened.
I need to resume it starting now and keep it up.
2. I've been more stressed about work than normal, Money is not coming in as quick as I would like and is going out quicker, that feeds into my insecurities setting me up in a bad place.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2018 10:14 am 
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Location: Ireland
Quote:
II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.


Compulsive ritual:
Pre loading thoughts during work, meet a client and sexualise thoughts until they are nearly completly unrealistic, then keep them in my head as a dependable source of dopamine to squirt just enough out to keep me 'on edge'.
TIME- In the past that could be a few minutes or it could be stretched out for hours until The end of the day I am nearly too tired, emotionally drained for masturbation, I will do it anyway but because I have stretched the time out for so long it is a relief just to get it over with.
Porn used to be enough but due to HABITUATION I needed something different and the porn led me to local escort websites - real women available only a few miles away....The porn on its own was no longer enough, It started with viewing porn but soon developed into viewing escorts and then to texting them. At times I could have texted 10 different escorts arranging to meet all at the exact same time (impossible) but each bleep from a message received would heighten the sense of arousal, suspense INTENSITY (will they/ wont they respond) Danger - have I gone too far??? Then mb.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2018 10:18 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 411
Hi Ace,

Quote:
I slipped yesterday and today.

The good thing is that you have analysed why it happened but also think about whether it was worth it? I suspect the answer is No otherwise you wouldn't have posted. It is important to remember that feeling as it will help you avoid repeating it down the line (albeit with your new plans you also mention in your post).

Quote:
So what happened?
I can point to a few things:
1. I stopped my daily or even weekly monitoring. When I daily monitor my incidences of acting out plummet. When I don't their likelihood increases.
I often reach a point where I feel that I don't 'need' daily / weekly monitoring only to slip and wonder what happened.
I need to resume it starting now and keep it up.

As you work through the lessons and exercises you will be given guidance as to when it is recommended that you relax back from daily and weekly monitoring. For now I would really recommend that you stick with both. In short, your new way of thinking needs to become second nature which will take some time. For now I would keep these in place which you should find helpful.

Quote:
2. I've been more stressed about work than normal

As you have probably deduced, stress is an emotion and therefore you need to be in a position to anticipate stressful situations that are on the horizon (part of the weekly monitoring) so that you can be ready for the urge to improve your emotional state by acting out.

Please try and digest your analysis and be ready for it next time.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2018 10:29 am 
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Location: Ireland
Thanks for the advice L2R, today was a better day. I used yesterday constructively.
I recognised that going straight into my home office for the mundane tasks to begin would leave me in a vulnerable place after yesterdays setback.
As slips in the past have become relapses, particularly if I don't have a healthy management plan in place.
So today I logged on, got what I needed to out of the way and then went to the Gym as a healthy outlet. In teh past I would'nt have gone so early as I would have felt guilty that I should have gotten some more work done and then go as a 'reward'.
However today, recognising my vulnerability I thought it best to get a healthy activity in straight away, which worked well. When I train well, I eat well and it helps keep me away from unhealthy/unhelpful behaviours.
I don't often stop and congratulate myself for making a good decision but I'm doing it now. That was a good decision and its put me in a great frame of mind now.
I'm far from out of the woods yet but will stay focused.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2018 11:17 am 
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Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 19 So please, do exactly as you're being asked here: become hyper-aware of all rituals you engage in over the next few days. Do not limit this awareness to sexually compulsive rituals... or even to compulsive rituals. Explore all of your actions for their 'ritualistic' nature. Brushing your teeth. Eating. Driving to work. Become conscious of your thoughts/feelings as you complete these rituals.

Feel free to share any insights in your recovery thread, but you do not have to.


When performing this excercise I am concious of how my thoughts (particularly my negative thoughts) influence my decision making.
It makes me more aware of the 'negative' programs that I have continuously running in my mind.
I recognise that thoughts of fear, shame, regret, suspicion and sadness are a breathing ground for addiction so will try and be more aware of them and change them, a technique I used in teh past was to stop and think of 5 things that I am grateful for, that helps to change my mood.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 3:26 am 
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Posts: 151
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 20
1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period.

Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction).


My first memories with addiction and porn/ mb/ fantasy were when I was about age 11/12. I was introduced to porno magazines by teh ususal route (friends older brothers, freinds finding theirs Dads stash, finding them discarded in a park/dumpster etc.)
I remember that even though I had plenty of happy memories of childhood, my Father was an alcoholic and that but an emotional and financial strain on my Mother and our family. The rows and shouting, the sense of fear of what was going to happen next, the sense of bewiderment about where my role was in this situation and sense of shame that I did not step up and be the hero and throw the aggressor out on the street. (even at 11 I knew that I could'nt physically compete with a fully grown man but there were plenty of depictions in the Hollywood movies of the brave kid finding a way....) unfortunately that was not me, I was routed to the spot, frozen, I can still remember the sense of isolation and shame that I did not know what to do and wishing that it would end.
As an adult I recognise that I was just a kid and unlike the Hollywood heroes, I was like most kids in that situation, scared and without guidance of what to do so I did nothing but stayed quiet and tried to escape by moving to another room but never too far in case there was a physical altercation which Thank God was rare (but it did happen and I have to live with the shame that I was not brave enough to burst out of my room swinging and shouting chasing my Dad away)
Again as an adult (I'm 45)I can see that I did'nt have the resources to take that action and after you have grown up in a house where you never speak about the elephant in the room and that behaviour has always been present, you learn to accept it even though your (my) gut tells me that it is wrong.
So porno mags provided an escape for me. I'd never seen anything like it before.
The women were beautiful and exciting, the fantasy possibilities were endless. I still remember images from over 30 years ago, they are imprinted in my head.
The first time I mb was in the bath and the orgasm produced again was like nothing I had ever experienced. I did it again and again.
I had combined the images on the pages of those magazines with physical stimulation and the results were incredibly intense. They gave me a 'high' to chase and at times when I needed an 'escape' it became the most rewrding place to run to.
The porno use continued for a number of years but I feel it was 'managed' well in the sense that it did not negatively impact the rest of my life to any large degree until that is I discovered computer access and finally super high speed internet access. That opened up another world of porn on demand, access to chat sites, escort sites, etc. you name it, it was all available when times of 'escape' were needed.
Thats when it became obvious that I was no longer 'managing' my life while engaging in these behaviours, rather I was a slave to them and life management became secondary.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 3:38 am 
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Location: Ireland
2) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?

As I have stopped my addictive behaviours for short times in the past but never fully 'recovered' I recognise the
Quote:
'subltle progression'
of teh addictive tendancies rather than any one stressful event initiating a return to those behaviours.
Quote:
Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times.

There is no doubt that addiction has and would provide an ESCAPE for me but there is also no doubt that it comes with a price, that price is emotional upheaval, devastation and continued feelings of shame and regret. Ultimately risking my future relationship with my wife, my kids and my world.
I see no positive benefit of my addictive behaviours in real terms.
After coming off a slip 2 days ago I would look for the same signs that presented themselves then
[list=]
Apathy
Depressing thoughts of fear of the future
Self doubt
Not daily/weekly monitoring
putting myself in situations which make it easier to act out (having my phone to hand and being alone)
Forgetting my values, not investing in them
Thoughts seeking escape
Thoughts of a sexual nature becoming frequent
[/list]

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 4:16 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 151
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 21 Exercise:
A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.


A. The first large goal that I can think of is complete recovery from sexual addiction. I have tried many times and failed. The second that springs to mind is performing poorly on my university entrance exams.

The main reason that I feel I failed in my recovery goals is that I was not Consistent with the application of that which I know works (including completing the lessons on RN)
The reasons that I performed poorly on my entrance exams (which were 27 years ago!!) was because I simply did not put the work/ hours in.

2/ A large Goal that I attempted was to be successful in Sales (not a natural place for me) The reasons I succeeded included committing myself to listening to audio tapes in my car every day, keeping a diary of Sales calls, what went right in each and what I could do better at next time and having a goal to earn 100k, then working towards it.

3/ Complete the RN program in full while not engaging in any behaviours outside my boundaries (such as viewing porn / escort sites).

1.Pick a suitable time each day (early morning has been working well for me) to invest at least 30 mins on RN minimum 5 days out of 7.
2.Make that a PRIORITY in my day.
3. Use a Diary to focus on 'one day at a time' to recognise times that I can go and do the excercises on RN but also so that I can see 'danger areas' when I may be more likely to struggle such as when alone at the PC.
4.Check in with myself every hour on my 'emotional balance' - Am I getting out of kilter? Am I starting to daydream/ fantasise? Am I thinking about my Values and how I can invest time and energy into investing in them?
5. Attend Group and connect with others who may be going through te same things.
6. Be consistent
7. Think often of how good it feels to have a 'clean' phone and a clean conscience- there is nothing on it to incriminate me, nothing to be ashamed of, I can't be 'found out' if I hav'nt done anything outside my boundaries.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 8:09 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 151
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 22 Exercise:
1. Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in.
2. Identify three or four elements of that ritual (e.g. physical sensory stimulation; danger; orgasm; accomplishment).
3. For each element, assign a relative number for the amount of stimulation you think you derive from this particular element. These numbers are relevant only to you and in relation to other elements that you experience.
4. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element. Does it increase the stimulation? Decrease the stimulation? Have no effect? Have a mixed effect (as in, sometimes it increases, other times it decreases)?.
5. Share the above in your personal recovery thread.



1. Ritual Measured: Using my phone to access porn and escort sites, fantasise and eventually mb.
2. Elements of Ritual: Fantasy; Sensory Visual: Danger; Suspense; Moral Conflict; Orgasm; Accomplishment;
3. Fantasy – 8, Sensory Visual 7, Danger -4, Suspense -6, Moral Conflict -7, Orgasm, 7, Accomplishment 8.
4. Filters Applied:
Fantasy *Time -increases stimulation, no time limit ‘4’.
*Intensity – related to how I am feeling and how much ‘relief’ I feel I need to escape to ‘6’.
*Habituation – As fantasies become old I look for other ways to make them feel ‘real’ such as considering contacting escorts .’6’.
Sensory Visual: *Time -The more time I spend the less impact it will have ‘4’
*Intensity - Increases as new searches produce more options ‘6’.
*Habituation – As the pictures become old the intensity reduces ‘5’.
Danger and Suspense -*Time – The longer the time the more I am risking being caught ‘6’.
*Intensity – It feeds into my Moral Conflict – what if I am caught? – ‘8’
*Habituation – as time decreases the intensity I create areas of greater potential danger ‘5’.
Orgasm - *Time – No control over same lasts the same amount of time
*Intensity – Increases overall intensity of urge, feels as if it is needed to ‘normalise’
*Habituation – No real effect ‘1’
Accomplishment- *Time – The more time I have spent engaging in porn but not taking any further action then the higher the sense of relief or accomplishment that I have not set too far foot outside my boundaries. ‘5’.
*Intensity – As above the intensity increase dependent on how ‘close’ I have come to stepping outside my boundaries ‘8’.
*Habituation – No great intensity here – ‘3’

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:27 am 
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Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 23 Exercise:
In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery. Don't just copy the headings of this lesson, take a minute to see how you can practically use this information in YOUR life.


I'm concsious that I engage in unwanted compulsive sexual behaviours to make me feel better (in the short term). In the past I have engaged in those behaviours and thought of them as a 'funnel' - as soon as I have entered the funnel e.g. Phone in hand, no one else around, feeling a need for 'escape' and stsrted searching inappropriate sites.....it has proven to be VERY difficult to stop before engaging and ultimately feeling dissapointment and shame.

By measuring my rituals I can see why I engage in them and at what points in the ritual I have choices.

Rather than think of one behaviour/ ritual as a stand alone event it will help to see it as various steps

For eample:

Ritual: Thoughts of the excitement of engaging with an escort leads me to search online the different possibilities in the local area, eventually seek a familiar porn site and mb nearly as a solution to the craving.

Steps:
    Feel upset, tired, scared of the future -(emotionally unstable)
    Seek 'escape' - think of using my phone to search - (exciting, scary, risky, shaming)
    Begin searching porn or escort sites (excitement, danger, risk, feeling torn)
    View escorts and visualise phoning/texting / contacting them to arrange a visit - (excitement, shame, high risk, dissapointment with self, struggle)
    Finally choose porn site and search for images (capitulation, relief, upset, high excitemement)
    MB (Intensity and Relief followed by immediate dissapointment, shame and loathing
    Clean the memory to prevent further shaming, hope that 'that was the last time' but know that it was unlikely to be

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2018 7:14 am 
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Posts: 151
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 24 Exercise:
I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.


1. Cumulative events involved in compulsive behavior:
• Suspense
• Power
• Fantasy
• Escape
• Pleasure
• Sensory
• Poly Addictions
• Past
• Accomplishment
• Danger
• Excitement

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2018 7:39 am 
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Location: Ireland
Quote:
II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).
Most people will identify two to four such Major Rituals. If you can identify with more than five such rituals, just list the most common five.
To be successful in your transition to health, you will need to master your ability to identify not only these elements, but also to recognize the role that they play in stimulating you. Don't settle for anything less than mastery here.



Ritual:
Fantasise about escorts until I mb to porn.

1. Feel Bored, lonely, Tired, Hungry or generally upset, things may not be going as well as I would like (In other words I have to work to pay bills rather than be retired like a dot. Com millionaire)
2. Notice feelings of disappointment in myself surface – I want to be a self made millionaire, helping others less fortunate and earning the respect of others as they see that I am ‘a success’…but I feel that I am not, it could all fall apart at any moment…..
3. Find those thoughts upsetting and wish that I could escape to a safer place, a better place where I will feel good.
4. Think about an escort site or porn site to look on and enter the fantasy world, I know from past experience that they offer the escape that I am looking for.
5. Go straight to my favorite escort sites, begin to browse, fantasise about what could happen within the next 60 mins by just making some phone calls and paying the fee…
6. Feel the chemicals start to rush in my body, excitement at the thought of engaging…today could be the day…..it feels good…just do it.
7. Feel the tensions rise as my values are being challenged, part of me wants the escape but part of me knows that it is a betrayal to my wife and myself…
8. Hate myself for being in this situation, Why me? Thoughts come into my head – why should I have to have this struggle? Perhaps I will never be finished with it….I don’t want to live my life struggling/ battling a craving…perhaps I should just give in and enjoy a life where I can engage in my sexual behaviors without responsibility to anyone else, perhaps I should get a divorce..
9. Argue with myself, this will not make you happy – in the long run no one can be truly happy if they are controlled by compulsions…and what if I give into them and they get worse?? Where could I end up? Shamed by my family, by society? In Prison?....
10. Feel completely overwhelmed, know that viewing porn and mb is neither illegal or life threatening and is the much lesser of two evils compared to calling and booking an escort visit. It is without risk of illegality, risk of contracting an std, risk of the ultimate betrayal to my wife…suddenly just mb at a porn video seems like a good choice, it will relieve the tension and guarantee that I do not engage in any ‘riskier’ behavior….
11. Switch from scrolling the menu of escorts to a porn site – search for a titillating video and mb. Feel sense of satisfaction, accomplishment as I orgasm.
12. Immediate post orgasm sense of regret. Start to erase my history and hope that this will be the last time I wipe my history but as a realist know that that is highly unlikely.
13. Feel shamed, feel disappointed in myself, fear that this will be the rest of my life – I will struggle, act out, struggle and act out always keeping the embers burning that may someday ignite into a full blown affair and ruin my marriage and life.
14. Try and get back to work or normality or whatever I was doing, notice that my energy has drained like a fuel gauge on a motor car after a long journey, I’m emotionally drained and just want to sleep and start over.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2018 8:00 am 
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Location: Ireland
Cruising for streetwalkers:

1. Find myself with an opportunity to engage in this behaviour (driving in the red light district viewing who is available and considering teh pro's and con's of engaging with one of them)
I could find myself after a work appointmenmt in that part of town OR with time on my hands and an excuse to 'go missing' for a while. DANGER, EXCITEMENT, SUSPENSE
2. Start to make plans in my head around how I will get to the red light district...how much time will I have....etc.
3.Notice that those thoughts to act out are impinging on my ability to enjoy my evening out with friends...become dissapointed by that by feel teh URGE and EXCITEMENT of escaping and engaging, think about how INTENSE it would be to pick up a prostitute and engage sexually with them, teh sense of POWER, the sense that I would be teh 'nicest' John that they would meet so they would enjoy the experience too...convince myself that an hour with me would be SO much better for them than an hour with teh typical smelly old man.......feel sense of being wanted, having Value.
4. Make my excuses and leave the pub/ meeting early. Notice my heart racing, it feels like I have had a double expresso, I'm trying to block out teh thoughts of how wrong this is BUT they keep surfacing much like a drowning man reaching teh surface every few seconds to gasp for air but just liketeh drowning man the gasps become less frequent as the waves of EXCITEMENT, SUSPENSE, AND DANGER wash over me - I am 'in the funnel' and cannot get out.
5. What/ Who I see determines the next set of emotions, ususally its a heroin addict, down on their luck and trying to make money for their next fix anyway they can, the plastered makeup cannot hide the tired and addicted faces.
6. Being torn between the real me, authentic me who recognises that these women are at the bottom rung in society - they need my help not to be bought by me, its a faith that I would never wish on anyone yet here I am considering engaging with them. I convince myself again that I would be a much better 'John' for them than average, I am clean, not into anything dangerous, will respect their boundaries etc. and they are going to be paid for by someone anyway,,,,,,,,I know in my logical brain all that is horse shit, anyway paying for teh services of a prostitute is helping to keep them in the shackles of slavery......
7. The times of Excitement and sense of danger are overwhelming but so also are those times of clarity when I realise that I should not be here, it is inhumane and I loate myself for it.
8. I always manage to drive away and either mb alone in the car and achieve relief ACCOMPLISHMENT or I drive home with one eye on the clock again and am flooded with a sense of RELIEF that I did not engage and in equal measure a sense of SHAME and FEAR that I may end up here again.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:20 pm 
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Location: Ireland
1. At home at the computer working.
2. Begin to question myself, (particularly if I am BLASTED) - am I good enough? Did I just get Lucky? What does the future hold for me? What if I end up like my Dad? Things may not work out for me....
3. Then start to legitimise my thoughts, If I'm feeling things may not work out for me then find some evidence of that (there is ALWAYS such evidence if one wants to find it, even the most 'successful' people could argue that they have failed) This underlying current of dissapointment and low self esteem feeds my desire for an escape....
4. A tried and trusted escape hatch is viewing porn and mb, it provides an escape to a world that I am temporarily in control of providing physical and nmental pleasure until the end but I try and block that part out of my conciousness.
5. I start 'talking myself into' viewing porn, I use the same old lines, a peek wont hurt, you deserve it, you'll be more focused afterwards, its not like you are cheating its not even real life, everybody does it in fact most do much worse they have affairs etc.
6. This internal debate increases my levels of stress and anxiety, now I am not only Blasted (BORED OR LONELY OR ANGRY OR TIRED) but I am upset with myself for having to struggle like this.
7. There seems only one way out, I do get glimpses of an alternative choice such as going for a walk, meditating, phoning a friend etc. but they are greyed out images compared to the technicolour vision and excitement of what awaits on the next page of the porn site.
8. I pick up my phone, notice my heart racing and unlock and scroll across the screen, I am in and once in it is very very hard to come out.
9. I view porn and most often mb to completion.
10. I feel immediately dissapointed and ashamed feeding my sense of low self worth, why does it have to be like this?? I wrap up and try and get back to whatever I was doing but I feel stained, sullied.

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"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:41 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 305
Ace,

It's clear that you understand how complacency can sometimes lead to slips. Complacency often shows its face due to many variables.

Quote:
I'm concsious that I engage in unwanted compulsive sexual behaviours to make me feel better (in the short term)


An excellent observation. For SA's we sometimes lapse when the stimulation and meaning we are getting from our recovery does not match what we could achieve in the short term by acting out.

Quote:
After coming off a slip 2 days ago I would look for the same signs that presented themselves then
Apathy
Depressing thoughts of fear of the future
Self doubt
Not daily/weekly monitoring
putting myself in situations which make it easier to act out (having my phone to hand and being alone)
Forgetting my values, not investing in them
Thoughts seeking escape
Thoughts of a sexual nature becoming frequent


Indeed apathy can be a tough emotion to manage. The following is not meant as an additional exercise, but just some questions to elicit your thinking. Take what you like, leave the rest.

What healthy activities/goals/values excite you?
What's a SMALL way to evolve your daily monitoring to include one?
How might you evolve your daily monitoring to "freshen up" the meaning you're getting out of your day to day life?
How might your daily monitoring incorporate prevention of getting BLASTED?

Be well,

Anon


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