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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2018 4:22 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
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Location: Ireland
I recognise after completing that lesson that my boundaries have indeed been weak.
I relate to what Jon wrote about Boundaries having to be consistent and if you question thjem then they are too weak. I recognise that alot in myself.
Also I like the idea of mastering boundaries and feeling a sense of control over my life, that is a fantastic goal.

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"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2018 8:47 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 361
Hi Ace,

I was interested to read your last couple of posts. A couple of things occur to me:

Quote:
Mondays and Tuesdays at home alone always have their challenges as does Thursday night away but right now I feel in agood place and expect to weather any storms – IF I DO THE WORK

You are aware of the issue and also the answer. The important thing here is that you recognise when you may be most vulnerable and that is half the battle. You can then "do the work" and be prepared if and when those moments materialise

Quote:
Describing a situation above where solid boundaries assist me makes life easier as it did for those 5 weeks of sobriety - I made a decision to close the door on thoughts of fantasy as soon as they appeared.

It is easy for members to focus on what didn't go so well (e.g. a slip) and whilst it is important to think about and learn from those experiences you should also take confidence from the fact that over a 5 week period you used your learning (respecting boundaries) to manage most situations. That is a massive achievement and you should be proud of yourself for it. You went through that period, you didn't die, nothing dropped off and you are still here to tell the story! In your moments of weakness you should remind yourself that you can do this and you have proven it to yourself and RN.

Quote:
Also I like the idea of mastering boundaries and feeling a sense of control over my life, that is a fantastic goal.

I totally agree. What I have found useful about boundaries is that there are fewer of them that you list of 15 values which makes them a lot easier to have in your mind to draw strength from when needed. Some time taken to memorise them may be time well spent if you have not done so already.

There is still a little way to go but you are definitely heading in the right direction.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
Thank you for your comments L2R,
Quote:
Lesson 37 Exercise:
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

IV. Share these in your recovery thread.


I.
1. To be faithful to my wife
(1) I will not do anything that I cannot share with my wife
(2) I will not flirt, begin or continue conversations of a sexual nature with anyone other than my wife
(3) I will not browse or search porn or escort sites or anything that I know is leading me to a dangerous place...again link to number 1 above.
(4) I will avert my gaze and think of my values and boundaries as soon as I notice myself 'scanning'
(5) I will not search anything on my phone that I know is grey or 'borderline'.

2. To be honest with myself
(1) I will not do anything that comprimises my sense of right and wrong
(2) I will not do anything that I could not share with my wife
(3) I will not legitimise or trivialise behaviours that I know lead me to a bad place.
(4) I will STOP as soon as I recognise that I am emotionally unstable, breathe deeply and reaffirm who I am and what my values are
(5) I will record my emotions and my struggles and successes on a daily basis

3. To support myself.
(1) I will recognise that I can be my best friend or worst enemy and the choice is mine
(2) I will allow myself to like myself, I have fallen into teh shame cycle so often it has become part of who I am and I recognise that it does'nt help me - It hinders me.
(3) I will allow myself time to invest in Recovery work and to make mistakes and learn from them
(4) I will allow myself to enjoy leisure time without feeling guilty
(5) I will use a daily journal to record my life management strategies

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2018 7:42 am 
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Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 38 Exercise:
I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.

II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?

III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.

Share your work in your recovery thread.


(ii) The obvious two where my value of being faithful to my wife are threatened are (1) when sitting on front of teh computer at home with my phone to hand. The desire to 'escape' into fantasy is high.
(2) When away with work for teh night, alone in my hotel room with my addictive voice trying to convince me that acting out is exciting and rewarding.

Yes the existing boundaries are enough IF I keep to them. For example a boundary of not doing anything that would betray my wifes trust and not doing anything that I would be ashamed of keeps me away from opening the door by looking at porn etc.

I think this lesson, though short has shook me up a bit - it helps me realise that in teh past I often wrote down whayt I needed to do without actually keeping to it.
Its a reminder to me that I need to keep my boundaries close and remind myself of them often.
When I have slipped and then relapsed in teh pat it is often because I have let my guard down and allowed one seemingly inoculous behaviour open the door to more serious consequences.

Boundaries;

1. I do not do anything that would betray my wifes trust
2. I do not do anything that I would be ashamed of
3. I will monitor my emotions and behaviours daily to help understand patterns
4. I will not use my phone or any other device to search for mood altering images such as porn, escorts, massage parlours etc.
5. I will act apporopriately towards my values in Actions when I feel a 'pull' towards those behaviours
6. I will not engage in inappropriate/ triggering talk with colleagues.
7. I will keep myself accountable to others

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2018 7:50 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 361
Hi Ace,

I don't mean to post every time that you do but in relation to your comment...
Quote:
I think this lesson, though short has shook me up a bit - it helps me realise that in teh past I often wrote down whayt I needed to do without actually keeping to it.
Its a reminder to me that I need to keep my boundaries close and remind myself of them often.
When I have slipped and then relapsed in teh pat it is often because I have let my guard down and allowed one seemingly inoculous behaviour open the door to more serious consequences.

...what you may find useful is to anticipate situations that are coming up so that you are ready for them and do not have your guard down. I appreciate that your day job is generally at home in front of your PC but it might be something to think about ahead of staying away on business where you know only too well how your mind can act if you let your guard down. By thinking about your boundaries in readiness for going away you can be more proactive about managing those situations perhaps. Something to think about.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:30 am 
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Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Hi Ace,

I don't mean to post every time that you do but in relation to your comment...


L2R, Please don't underestimate how much I value your, Kenzo, Anon and anyone else who has commented on my thread giving advice or encoragement.
I went to sex therapist years ago when I was deep in my addiction and the one thing I took away from the whole experience (over a period of months) was that the guy could not relate to me in the slightest. He had read the books, passed the exam but did not truly understand what I was going through because he had not walked in my shoes.
Like trying to understand how a person feels if they lose a child. We can be sympathetic, supportive and caring but is impossible to truly understand such an event and its ramifications unless a person was to go through it themselves.
I feel that addiction is similar. It is soul destroying and produces a sense of low self esteem and self hatred that perpetuates the cycle rather than banishing it.
Hopefully I will be writing my own Oscars acceptance speech one day and I will be thanking all those who have helped me out of the pit of despair! So whoever reads and responds to my posts, your advice, view is very welcome and one of the main reasons that I feel I am making progress.

I love this quote from Jon and have saved it

Quote:
Naturally, without healthy values, there can be no healthy boundaries. Without healthy boundaries in place to help guide your behavior, you are left to make decisions based on pure emotion


I am coming to realise that I have been living my life like that. I have a rough sense of who I am and what I want, what I think is acceptable and what is'nt but without concrete values I am consistently open to being swayed by my emotions.

I was hit by a 'wave' about an hour ago when the work I had ahead of me became overpowering, too daunting to contemplate and I found my mind wandering to thoughts of acting out. I am home alone, my phone is beside me - I could escape for a few hours and I know it would feel good.
However I also know that ultimately it would culminate in feeling upset.
The quote above helped me. I tried to recognise that my emotions were driving me - I was seeeking escape from feeling low, depressed, afraid of the future, scared that I was not making enough money and that things would worsen etc.
Then I stsrted to focus on teh steps that I could take to strengthen my values (one of my values is financial independence) and that meant jumping back in to get some work done.
The interesting thing is that I was riding the wave and still being pulled in the direction of acting out, I received a call from a potential business prospect who will not be proceeding with the order.
My heart sank, my need for emotional escape increased BUT because I was deliberately in motion working on strengthening one of my values it was easier to stay focused on teh job at hand and ride the wave.
Now it has passed and I am taking some time to jump back into the lessons, I need to record that as a win and enjoy it.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:38 am 
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Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
Lesson 39:
An Ideal ending


I will only engage in any sexual activity with my wife.
I will never engage in sexual behavior that places my wife or myself in physical, legal or social danger.
I will learn to love and accept my body and my wifes body without comparison
I will be a compassionate, considerate sexual partner
I will initiate sex and ensure that we both enjoy it
I will not engage in sexual behavior that I know to be high risk for destructive consequences
Masturbation can be a normal healthy behaviour for many but for me it can lead to a road of fantasy and hurt, that may change in teh future but for now I choose not to engage in it.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:30 am 
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Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
I attended a therapist last night after work.
That is my 3rd or 4th visit. He asked me last week to write out a letter about my relatioship with addiction. I started it and then stopped as I found it difficult to read (shame and dissapointment) and was tired. I then 'ran out of time' to write again before last nights session.
He thinks that I have been 'managing' my behaviours but not 'recovering' until I fully ACCEPT that I am an addict and have that overwhelming desire to change.

I explained that I completely accept that I am an addict - I have struggled with these behaviours for 25 years and 'managed' them as best I could but am still here trying to stop and live a life without destructive compulsion. I am told saying it or thinking it wit logic is different than actaully feeling it.....
When I ask - How do I feel it? I am told that writing that letter may be a start!

I understand where he is coming from and I feel comfortable with him, also I know he wants to try and help, aslo after being with therapists in the past who want to talk alot around the issue heis a little more direct which I like.

He also asked me about my recent 6 weeks of sobriety - what was I doing differently that led to a slip?
i advised a few things:
1.
I had made Recovery a daily effort - I made sure that I did SOMETHING every day, logged on and read a lesson or completed a lesson on Recovery Nation or used a daily tracker on a recovery site called Fortify - something recovery.
2. I had given someone else in Recovery teh anaolgy of bolting down the hatches and boarding up teh windows when we know that a destructive hurricane is on the way. We may not know exactly when or how powerful it will be BUT we know it is coming.
In recovery that means for me closing ALL the doors that are kept ajar - I had felt my 'boundaries' of acting out with escorts etc. meant that I could sneak a peek at some porn etc. when the waves came (just to get me through it) and as long as it was'nt actaully acting out in 'more consrquential behaviours' then it was okay...right?
So for those 6 weeks I tried not to do that anymore, I did not allow myself to choose porn or images on facebook etc. as the 'least worst option' - I effectively created new barriers (before doing the lesson on barriers on RN) and there is no doubt that helped.
Every time I would think of acting out/ searching for tittilation I would think of taht anaogy of a storm coming and how foolish I would be to kee the door open even just a crack because when teh wind/ hurricane came it would (as I know from experience) rip the door open despite my protestations.
3. I was also more aware of my emotions at certain times of the day and try to mange that in a healthy way.
4. I was more consistent with my workout routine - attempting to get to the gym x 3 times per week (unlike many people I enjoy the gym)
5. I would try and focus more on my values and attempt to bring them to my attention each time I felt my mind wandering.

"So if those behaviours helped lead to a 6 week stretch then why not do them again!"

Seems to be fair advice!!!

Also I would like to report a win here. I was away last night from home staying in a hotel. It was late I was having difficulty sleeping and found my mind wandering to lustful thoughts and thoughts convincing myself to mb. Everyone does it. Its normal. It will help me see more clearly as te urge and discomfort will be gone etc. etc.
Then I thougfht of RN and how the urge was finite - it would'nt kill me and mb is outside my boundaries. I 'rode teh wave' for about 15 mins and the noticed teh urge reduce (not cease but reduce in intensity). When I awoke today, I felt good about myself. I had an urge and rather than white knuckle it, I accepted it as uncomfortable and that it was finite - I got through it and feel better about myself. A small win but a win all the same, you cn be sure that if I slipped I would be very low right now.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2018 3:18 am 
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Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Lesson 40 Exercise:
I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.
II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.
III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.
IV. Share your thoughts in your recovery thread.


1. My Wife – I believe that her boundaries would include fidelity, honesty. She would not for example accept me having an affair or having sexual relations with someone else, she believes that type of relationship should be between a man and wife only (or committed relationship) She would also be hurt if I was flirting with someone else, she would have a fear of where it may lead.
2. When becoming aware that I may have violated her boundaries I need to ‘get out of my head’ choose NOT to be defensive, instead try and see it from her point of view, also because I have betrayed her trust in the past accept that although I may not agree with her view (whether its acceptable to give a female co worker a ride home or not for example) I should defer to her wishes knowing that my past actions have contributed to her being suspicious.
3. I know my first reaction would be defensiveness “Deny everything!” – I also recognise that reaction as flawed and know there would have been a lot more denial in my heavy addiction days but even now, my default defense is denial. A much better reaction for both of us would be to be able to calmly say that I understand, apologize for upsetting her and try and make amends.
(Stay away from that person at the party for the rest of the evening and do not think about/ fantasize about her)
Take actions to show my wife that she means the most to me, hold her hand, stay close to her, make her feel special.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:11 am 
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Lesson 41 Suggests that I review my boundaries which I have and it has helped me realise that I am giving some of them lip service.
I recognise that when I have an urge I have not been cutting it off at the root the way I should be. A few weeks of sobriety has resulted in some complacency. Yesterday as I sat in front of the computer I was on you tube looking for classical background music to work to.
Then a thought popped into my head. I could view Jamaican 'booty' dances etc. and get a rush from it but its not real porn is it? I felt a conflict but brushed it aside quickly perhaps in teh knowledge that if I thought about it in the form of chains and rituals then perhaps I would recognise I could break it and stop.
I did'nt want to stop , I wanted the rush. As I keyed in teh search term and accessed a video I felt teh old familiar feeling rise inside me. The 'Adult advisory' message appeared on teh you tube video and I clicked it - going further into the chain.
I watched the video for about 4 minutes, I was (excited and stimulated) but I did not mb and turned the video off.
I then had to delete the video history from my you tube account (felt ashamed and dissapointed)
While watching the videos I felt empathy for the girls/ women dancing provactively. I thought of the lives they live and how I by watching the video am in some small way contributing to the sexualisation of women in a derogatory fashion.
Then today after a very tough day at work I felt huge urges to relieve the emotional discomfort I was feeling by searching online for escorts, I began to convince myself that I was only looking, a short mb session wont do any harm, etc. etc.
I went online here instead and read a number of posts including L2Runs summary of some of Jons words of wisdom. I felt the emotional intensity lessen as I was reminded that those urges are finite.

So a couple of lessons for me #1 - I need to shut the door of fantasy as soon as I notice it, rather than attempting to close it half heartedly a few seconds later - This is where my boundaries come in
#2 I need to remember the emotions in the compulsive chain above that lead me to choosing a healtheir path.

Recent Chain
1. At home feeling dissapointed that business is slow, fearful of the future, feel like a failure.
2. Recognise those thoughts and know where they may lead but choose to stay where I am rather than take a break/ go to the gym or choose another action that takes me away from this potential high risk situation.
3. As is out of no where (although I know it was a result of steps 1 and 2) I have a thought to seek immediate gratification online, to escape into fantasy and benefit from an improved emotional state and have physical arousal. There is a promise of excitement, danger, physical rush and adventure.
4. Choose to log onto teh site and tick the 'parental advisory' box - this gives me another 'rush' as I know where this is going - I am doing something adult, mature....
5. Feel the pangs of regret, dissapointment but choose to ignore / lessen them
6. Look at the images and realise that these women are 'performing' and are being degraded, I would hate if my own daughter was doing something like this. Recognise that there is nothing positive to take away from this at all - they are not even good dancers, they are just using sexual inneuendo at its most base and I am contributing to the degradation of womens value. I feel dissapointed in myself for giving in and then think about mb to the images as I know that will give me short term relief.
7. Feel torn again, I recognise that it will give me short term relief but I am already feeling guity and dissapointed with myself for stepping outside my boundaries and know that I will feel worse if I don't turn it off and come back to reality.
8. Turn it off, delete the history (feel ashamed as I do that, it has been weeks since I had to hide my searches and this again makes me feel low)
9. I think it was Jons words about 'finite' discomfort which helped me stop when I did. Regret ever being in that position.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 3:35 am 
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Location: Ireland
I'm 28 days in today. My longest streak in years has been 44 a couple of months ago, the I fell off the wagon and slipped about once a week.
Today was a tough day as I am away from home in a hotel room with endless possibilities at the end of my phone or outside the front door. It has been my regular slip day the weeks I slipped.
The ususal thoughts “ Whats a little porn” “everyone does it” “it will help me relax, its normal” began to permeate my mind.
As soon as those doors are opened then it extends to - maybe I should log onto one of the old camming sites, just to see who is still there….again its not like really cheating…..

I'm dissapointed tat those thoughts still come so readily to my mind BUT have noticed perhaps larger gaps when my mind is not fighting thoughts, I am investing in the belief that the longer the period of time between acting out (looking at porn, fantasising etc. etc.) the less powerful teh urges will be when they hit.

I have come to accept that they may always be there lurking BUT as time goes on and I use the tools that help I will be able to ‘manage’ my life in a more healthy way.

There were times today I did'nt think I would make it, the thoughts of just giving in came in waves. I tried to sit with them, remind myself that they are finite and it was not a life or death situation (although as anyone with addiction will tell you - it certainly can feel that way when the body and mind are craving ‘the fix’.

I'd like to think I was more able to manage that than white knuckling it. I know that white knuckling alone does not work, sometimes it is needed to get you through detox.

I'm aiming for 90 days to the reach that goal and then celebrate/ reward myself with a whole weekend of delving deep into all of my unwanted sexual behaviours - perhaps a weekend in Vegas.

I am joking of course! I am very concious of the risks associated with just ‘counting days’ and am cognizant to evaluate my emotions throughout the day and days. I hope that when I reach that milestone I will feel like I did teh last time I reached it perhaps 6 years ago - I felt great- in control and content.

Unfortunately at that time I made the age old mistake of thinking I was ‘over it’ or cured, now equipped to handle any urges ever again. Or perhaps I just wanted to believe that so much..

So in summary, a Victory as I sit here in bed typing I have a clear conscience and will try and enjoy the feeling of meeting an urge head on and using the tools I have learned to surf it.
If I had slipped I would be very quick to berate myself further weakening my resolve for teh next time, interesting how it is not so natural for me to congratualte mysef when progress is made no matter how small.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 9:59 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
Hello Ace


Quote:
He thinks that I have been 'managing' my behaviours but not 'recovering' until I fully ACCEPT that I am an addict and have that overwhelming desire to change.

IMO the KEY is in those few words
have that overwhelming desire to change

'
Quote:
managed' them as best I could

Change is about managing yourself not simply about managing your emotions
believe in yourself my friend, believe in the programme
If I could do it then so can you
want it more than everything else



Quote:
I'm 28 days in today.


I'd like to think I was more able to manage that than white knuckling it. I know that white knuckling alone does not work, sometimes it is needed to get you through detox.

Abstention is not recovery, you should choose what you want and then go for it

Choose , choose wisely but do choose now


Quote:
Unfortunately at that time I made the age old mistake of thinking I was ‘over it’ or cured, now equipped to handle any urges ever again. Or perhaps I just wanted to believe that so much..


Or perhaps the addict that you allow yourself to be is holding onto that addiction "just in case"
Well that addict exists only because you allow it there is nothing inside you making you act out
you act out because you choose to
Is recovery easy?
Yes if you truly choose recovery , if not then its so f***ing hard it is impossible

Please do choose do it for you , you are worth it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2018 6:19 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
Hi Ace
you wrote into L2R's thread
Quote:
Hands up - I am one of those half committed as L2R has called out..

good admission
what is the follow up? :pe:
it has been a while

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 7:30 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
L2R wrote in hid own thread [quote]
I know that I have gone through phases where I have tried to kid myself that I need to test my recovery by allowing myself to think about inappropriate behaviour before I then head it off. I know that in fact what I was trying to do was to allow myself to have a little taste of what I used to enjoy. This is just playing with fire[/quote
Perhaps this is why I have been so reluctant to complete the excercise on boundaries.
I know that a part of me wants to keep the gate open.
I also know tjat without a full commitment to change recovery wont (and has'nt happened)
How long more will I be stuck in this loop? I really want it but I do'nt seem to be able to commit. I know that no one else can do it for me.

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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 Post subject: Re: Ace's Recovery Forum
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 11:50 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
Hi Ace
Quote:
I know that a part of me wants to keep the gate open.


a common thought and trait within most addicts, but simply recall that we all believed that we would fall if we lifted our feet from the floor to pedal our bikes
believe and take that plunge a get out of jail free card has no real value

Quote:
I also know tjat without a full commitment to change recovery wont (and has'nt happened)

Nor will it

Quote:
How long more will I be stuck in this loop? I really want it but I do'nt seem to be able to commit. I know that no one else can do it for me


Forever
UNLESS that is
You CHOOSE otherwise
what do you have to lose?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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