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 Post subject: John53's Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2018 12:16 pm 
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Posts: 16
Lesson One

A)
1. Committing – it’s been 6 months since I was discovered and in that time I’ve made various commitments. I’m sure I want to change, I’m sure I want to put the past behind, but I’ve not been certain how to do it. At least not until starting this. I’ve given up acting out, I’ve had discussions, I’ve put it to one side. But now I see the need to start with building the foundations. To start at the very bottom. I was once a surveyor, I know about building stuff. You don’t start with the roof. You start with an idea. You draw a plan. You investigate the ground. You don’t even think about the first load of concrete before you’ve done a lot of preparation. Before I may not have started with the roof, but I’d certainly ordered the bricks before I had a clear plan. Now I feel I have a clear idea, I’m going to draw the plan, make it the best dam house there is. In a strange way I’m quite looking forward to the process, not just the end result. They’ll be difficult times, parts that are hard to do. But doesn’t that make it all the more rewarding? Sharpen the pencils, but don’t order the roof tiles just yet.

2. Guilt/shame – this is a tricky one. Yes I feel bad about what I was doing. But I don’t see the shame as a reason not to get on with putting it right. I worry that that means I’m not committed, not sufficiently contrite. I know I need to do it. I want to do it. I feel I can admit my past faults and move on.

3. Time – originally I didn’t think it’ll take too long, a few months perhaps? Here it says a year, or more. I’ve certainly got time each week to devote to it, but also work, family, life! I don’t think its to be rushed, this lesson has taken a couple of hours and at that rate I’ll be doing two or three a week. As I see it its not the hours, but the quality time that’s vital. The care and attention, the thought and reflection. So it’ll take as long as it takes. I’ll stick with it. I’ll see the progress, or so I hope. And I’ll give it the care and attention it needs.

B)
1. I want to stop lying.
2. I want to stop kidding myself.
3. I want to be totally honest with my wife.
4. I want to be totally honest with my family.
5. I want to be totally honest with my close friends.
6. I want to enjoy life without guilt.
7. I want to have a smile on my face, a spring in my step.
8. I want to wake up and look forward to the day, even Mondays.
9. I want a cuddle.
10. I want to have good sex.
11. I want to be a good, true and honest model to my children and grandchildren.
12. I want to have fun.

C)
As it happens I came across a small picture clearing out a drawer a couple of weeks ago and it was still on my desk. Me at 18 months on what is now a local beach. A tiny print, just two inches square, in black and white (well it was over 60 years ago!). Holding it in my hand it’s hard to see if he’s laughing or crying. I scan it into the computer and have it enlarged on the screen. Very much laughing, happy, trusting with no doubt calling out to Mum just out of frame, as Dad takes the picture.

He makes me smile, I want to go help build a sandcastle. Just a little younger than my granddaughter and she does just the same whenever I see her. That thought almost brought a tear. I really need to make this work, for him, for her, for all the family, for everyone.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2018 6:34 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hello John
Quote:
Committing – it’s been 6 months since I was discovered and in that time I’ve made various commitments.


made and kept or just made?
answer yourself not me
the reality is that there is only one commitment to be made and kept and that is to commit to recover

life without addiction is living and you know tat it is there for you , but you need to work for and at it

is it easy?no
but it is not that difficult either, not when you balance the scale

so welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

IMO your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you, however they could be broader and have more pillars, remember the foundation of your plan

Quote:
I want to stop lying.
2. I want to stop kidding myself.
3. I want to be totally honest with my wife.
4. I want to be totally honest with my family.
5. I want to be totally honest with my close friends.


these five are really one reason, why not spend a few moments reflecting further afield, or not, this is your journey so you get to choose your path, yes you actually do have the choice and that fact is usually difficult for addicts starting out to accept
you chose addiction
you can choose recovery and I am sure that this is your intent, please do not leave this "building too long in the planning and approval stage, the investor (you) needs to see progress

so remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 4:15 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hello John

Quote:
I’ve certainly got time each week to devote to it,


but does that time include RN?
well I guess we will see

what do you have to lose, nothing
what can you gain, self respect, life, you have named your goals lets get out and achieve them

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:01 pm 
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Posts: 16
Although I know this isn’t a conversation, I have a few further thoughts before I move onto lesson 2.

Firstly there’s been a bit of a gap, regrettable and due mainly to taking a holiday in the sun and the workload before and after. With hindsight perhaps I should have postponed Lesson 1 until my return, but in the event the holiday provided some ‘quiet time’ to think through this process.

So I’ve now returned, freshly envigored, and keen to continue. By time I did indeed mean time each week, hopefully most days, to devote to recovery.

By the six months I meant that six months have passed since my addiction was discovered and that I realised it had reached proportions that required actions. During that time I have made some progress/effort in tackling it, but I feel its only been with my recent start with Recovery Nation that I see a clear way to tackle it fully. And indeed a full commitment to doing so.

I feel I should outline a little of the background. I have been married for forty years and I now see that I have been acting out in some form throughout that period. This has included three affairs and in recent years an increasing use of contact and activities with sex workers via/on the internet. It was some indiscreet internet activity that lead to my discovery by the third affairee, if that’s the right way to describe her. Her reaction, and distress, is a major factor in my desire to move on, though I fully appreciate it is only me that can achieve it.

A few more motivations:
I want to have more time, more money, for the ‘good life’ and to share it with others.
I want to relax, not always worrying on what I say, what I do.
I want to be the true me.

And so on to Lesson 2…


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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2018 4:55 am 
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Lesson 2 – my Vision

The Vision – a happy, relaxing, stimulating, meaningful retirement.

As Will would have it:
“The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound.”

Mortality – they say the only things certain in life are death and taxes. Well be it a year or twenty I’ll not fret on the inevitable. Think of it as 31 million seconds, 31 million chances to smile. Maybe 600 million ;-) And then the taxman can have his share.

Fatherhood – to be a worthy role model to my children, and especially grandchildren. A source of knowledge, strength, wisdom and yes, money ;-)

Partnership – to fully engage with my wife, to love, understand, share, explore (each other, the world), relax and maybe even some sex.

Community – to add a little something back, to the general good. To fight prejudice in any form. To be inclusive, welcoming, liberal.

Exploration – I want to grow, learn, understand, from astronomy to zippers (how do those blighters work?) I want to boldly go where I’ve not been before.

Humour – to smile, to laugh, better still to see others smile, bring a smile a day to the world.

Work – wind down, but don’t stop suddenly. Pick and choose the good bits, the rewarding bits. Don’t stress with it… much!


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PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2018 10:33 am 
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Additional post

Having read my vision someone has pointed out to me some omissions, so I’d like to add the following:

Morality – to be the ‘better person’ when dealing with everyone, family, friends, the greater world. To properly follow my moral compass, having got it pointing in the right direction!

Health – to be healthy in both mind and body. The physical ailments to be dealt with, as far as possible, and the mind to follow the new, proper, path.


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PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2018 12:32 pm 
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Lesson 3 - Values
1. Being happy
2. Being relaxed
3. Being healthy
4. Being more active
5. Controlling my weight
6. Having a healthy diet
7. Being fit
8. Being active
9. Being open minded
10. Being honest
11. Being truthful
12. Being loving
13. Understanding of others
14. Being stimulated by life
15. Being stimulated by others
16. Being stimulating to others
17. Enjoying retirement
18. Being financially comfortable
19. Being generous
20. Being charitable in attitude
21. Being charitable – financially
22. Giving time as volunteer
23. Being faithful to my partner
24. Fidelity
25. Honourable
26. Strengthening my role as partner
27. Strengthening my role as father to my daughters
28. Strengthening my role as grandfather to my grandchildren
29. Supporting my partner
30. Supporting my family
31. Supporting friends
32. Being generous
33. Being loving to others
34. Being loved by others
35. Being helpful to friends
36. Being supportive
37. Being inclusive
38. Being non-judgmental
39. Being welcoming
40. Being liberal in attitude
41. Being dedicated
42. Being a wise counsellor
43. Spreading my knowledge of IT
44. Spreading my knowledge of astronomy, physics
45. Completing Astronomy course
46. Living with integrity
47. Living with compassion
48. Learning new knowledge
49. Teaching
50. Learning from life
51. Feeling respected
52. Being respectful
53. Being respected
54. Feeling desired
55. Being sexually active (with partner!)
56. Being knowledgeable
57. Being seen as knowledgeable by others
58. Being humorous
59. Being balanced between work and leisure
60. Being rewarded by work – financially
61. Being rewarded by work – creatively
62. Being responsible
63. Being my true self
64. Being uninhibited
65. Being resourceful
66. Being an inspiration

Dark Side
1. Being unfaithful
2. Being two sided
3. Being untrustworthy
4. Self centred
5. Selfish
6. Hedonistic
7. Financially unwise


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PostPosted: Wed May 16, 2018 8:45 am 
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Lesson 4 – Prioritised Values
1. Being healthy
2. Being honest
3. Being truthful
4. Being humorous
5. Enjoying retirement
6. Strengthening my role as grandfather to my grandchildren
7. Strengthening my role as father to my daughters
8. Strengthening my role as partner
9. Being faithful to my partner
10. Supporting my family
11. Supporting my partner
12. Supporting friends
13. Being loving to others
14. Being loved by others
15. Being open minded
16. Being an inspiration
17. Giving time as volunteer
18. Being inclusive
19. Being non-judgmental
20. Being welcoming
21. Being happy
22. Being more active
23. Being loving
24. Living with integrity
25. Living with compassion
26. Fidelity
27. Honourable
28. Understanding of others
29. Being stimulated by life
30. Being stimulated by others
31. Being stimulating to others
32. Being charitable in attitude
33. Being charitable – financially
34. Being relaxed
35. Having a healthy diet
36. Being active
37. Being helpful to friends
38. Being liberal in attitude
39. Being a wise counsellor
40. Being respectful
41. Being my true self
42. Being financially comfortable
43. Being generous
44. Being respected
45. Feeling respected
46. Being sexually active (with partner!)
47. Being responsible
48. Controlling my weight
49. Being fit
50. Teaching
51. Learning from life
52. Being knowledgeable
53. Being seen as knowledgeable by others
54. Being uninhibited
55. Being resourceful
56. Being supportive
57. Being dedicated
58. Completing Astronomy course
59. Learning new knowledge
60. Feeling desired
61. Being balanced between work and leisure
62. Being rewarded by work – financially
63. Being rewarded by work – creatively
64. Spreading my knowledge of IT
65. Spreading my knowledge of astronomy, physics


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PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2018 10:00 am 
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Posts: 16
Lesson 5 – Values reviewed, top 15
1. Being healthy
2. Being honest and truthful
3. Being humorous
4. Practising the values of a humanist
5. Strengthening my role as grandfather to my grandchildren
6. Strengthening my role as father to my daughters
7. Being faithful to my partner
8. Strengthening my role as partner
9. Supporting friends
10. Enjoying retirement
11. Being sexually active (with partner!)
12. Being inclusive
13. Giving time as volunteer
14. Being non-judgmental
15. Being an inspiration


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:49 am 
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Posts: 16
Thoughts on Lessons 3-5

This is a good place to review as it’s the end of the section on values before moving on to action plans.

With lesson 3 the main difficulty I found was getting the hang of what is meant by values, especially practical values. The way I tend to think of values is more abstract in nature and they become concrete/practical when carried out as tasks. They are more strategic than detailed. Once I understood the general way they were treating the idea, and not worrying about the exact definitions, then I think it all fell into place much easier.

Lesson 4 brought the idea of prioritising, that again wasn’t entirely straightforward, though understanding the general aim, and in particular the broad brush approach doing it in no more than 15 minutes (although I took a little longer) I think it went reasonably well.

The review in Lesson 5 was quite thoughtful, adding the humanist one, combining some that seemed very similar/duplicates and getting to the top 15. 15 is obviously rather arbitrary and certainly each time I look at it I wonder about moving one a place and whether one or two should be out and others in, but basically I’m happy it gives a fair representation of how I see myself moving forward with recovery.

Overall this seems a good foundation, before working out how to put it all into practice.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:51 am 
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Posts: 16
Lesson 6 - Proactive Action Plans (simple)

1 – Being Healthy

1. Better diet
a. Monitor weight
b. Target reduction

2. More exercise
a. Minimum 20 minutes brisk walk each day
b. Monitor steps

3. Mental health
a. Manage stress
b. Manage work/life balance
c. Manage recovery programme

13 - Giving time as volunteer

1. Continue to be involved with a local charity:
a. Education volunteer – visits to local schools and youth groups
b. Support other volunteers
c. Investigate opportunities for additional talks.

2. Support local Chairman with administration:
a. Meeting minutes
b. Any other opportunities to assist?

3. Investigate code-club programming for primary school
a. Has previous membership lapsed? Renew?
b. Investigate requirements in local schools.
c. Grandson’s school.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 3:05 pm 
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Lesson 7 – Initial Action Plans
(Including those from Lesson 6)

1. Being healthy
1.1. Better diet
1.1.1. Monitor weight
1.1.2. Target reduction
1.2. More exercise
1.2.1. Minimum 20 minutes brisk walk each day
1.2.2. Monitor steps
1.3. Mental health
1.3.1. Manage stress
1.3.2. Manage work/life balance
1.3.3. Manage recovery programme

2. Being honest and truthful
2.1. Listen carefully to what is being said/asked.
2.2. Consider any parameters, some may know The Whole Truth (TWT), others may not.
2.3. Answer carefully, fully and truthfully, or give a good reason not to answer.
2.4. Avoid lies, and ideally partial truths.

3. Being humorous
3.1. Be my natural self.
3.2. That said, be sensitive to others’ feelings.
3.3. On the one hand others may not share my sense (?) of humour, on the other it is (generally) better to be oneself – see #2!

4. Practising the values of a humanist
4.1. From Humanist UK:
Roughly speaking, the word humanist has come to mean someone who:
4.1.1. trusts to the scientific method when it comes to understanding how the universe works and rejects the idea of the supernatural (and is therefore an atheist or agnostic)
4.1.2. makes their ethical decisions based on reason, empathy, and a concern for human beings and other sentient animals
4.1.3. believes that, in the absence of an afterlife and any discernible purpose to the universe, human beings can act to give their own lives meaning by seeking happiness in this life and helping others to do the same.
4.2. That seems a pretty good match to how I think of myself, how I’d like to be – especially it must be said the bit about scientific method.

5. Strengthening my role as grandfather to my grandchildren
5.1. The ordering of this and the next two, ie grandchildren, then children, then partner is deliberate.
5.2. Taking time to encourage/’teach’ them: life (!), maths, science
5.3. Making projects together
5.4. A source of knowledge, wisdom (?)
5.5. There is something wonderful about grandchildren (especially mine!) – a mixture of seeing children grow (which I may have missed some of with my daughters) and not having full responsibility.
5.6. The ability as ‘grandpa’ to be a bit naughty, to allow a little more freedom, though always with a careful watching eye.

6. Strengthening my role as father to my daughters
6.1. The father/daughter relationship is a special one. No more special than others, but special none the less.
6.2. They deserve to trust me, hopefully to respect me, and know I’ll support them without judgement.
6.3. I’ll try to guide, but not to demand or insist.
6.4. My wallet is always open, though it may not have a great deal in it.
6.5. I see a parent’s role to love, nurture and support – physically, mentally and financially.
6.6. Not least I have in mind that the folk I have been ‘interacting’ with are someone’s daughter.

7. Being faithful to my partner
7.1. This is both simple – no acting out, and complex.
7.2. To love and cherish, in sickness and in health.
7.3. In truth I can’t remember the exact wording of the vows taken, but I certainly know their spirit. I have fallen a long way short and that will/has/must change.

8. Strengthening my role as partner
8.1. There is being faithful – see #7
8.2. There’s #11
8.3. And then there’s a lot more – being supportive, guiding, helpful and understanding the women is, of course, always right.
8.4. I see a feature of our marriage, apart from its 40 years in length, as a lack of arguments. Well I always give in (!) – perhaps there needs to be a fuller sharing of views, greater discussion, and being careful, even if tempting, to not think that the knowledge of the other acquired over that period, is the full story.

9. Supporting friends
9.1. Review who are truly friends
9.2. And who needs support
9.3. Be open to requests for help, and not just the obvious!
9.4. Be responsive, caring, considerate
9.5. Listen!

10. Enjoying retirement
10.1. Correct ‘work/life’ balance, not suddenly stopping work
10.2. Expanding existing interests: astronomy, photography, ‘camping’
10.3. New interests: fiddling with electronics, radio telescope (???)

11. Being sexually active (with partner!)
11.1. This is a hard one to plan for, not least as I think a degree of spontaneity a good thing.
11.2. Clearly the plan is only to be active with my partner.
11.3. Some romantic preparations, but not ‘it’s Saturday and therefore…’
11.4. To go with the flow, to not be disappointed, nor to count the days/months/years (something I’ve been guilty of in the past)
11.5. Viagra? A good massage oiler probably a better bet.

12. Being inclusive
12.1. I see this as a value more than a plan.
12.2. I see it not judging people by colour or creed, nor by orientation. Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I get a bit annoyed by the increasing list of initials (LGBTXYZ) – to me its quite simple, I value all, I’m interested in all and what they have to say, and save for partner have no interest in relating their orientation to mine.
12.3. I tolerate everything except intolerance (!)

13. Giving time as volunteer
13.1. Continue to be involved with a local charity:
13.1.1. Education volunteer – visits to local schools and youth groups
13.1.2. Support other volunteers
13.1.3. Investigate opportunities for additional talks.
13.2. Support local Chairman with administration:
13.2.1. Meeting minutes
13.2.2. Any other opportunities to assist?
13.3. Investigate code-club programming for primary school
13.3.1. Has previous membership lapsed? Renew?
13.3.2. Investigate requirements in local schools.
13.3.3. Grandson’s school.

14. Being non-judgmental
14.1. Thinking about it there is a degree of duplication with #12
14.2. Perhaps this is more about opinions, and #12 about relationships
14.3. The underlying plan is similar though, to listen, to discuss, to explain why I’m right and they’re wrong (just kidding), and to respect their views.
14.4. Well maybe not creationists.

15. Being an inspiration
15.1. I fear more an aspiration than a value or plan.
15.2. I like to think there might be something where my 65 years of experience can pass on some titbit of knowledge, some insight or fact, that encourages another in a direction they might not have travelled.
15.3. Once upon a time, perhaps thirty years ago, I was stood at a busy station after a long journey, tired, awaiting a train to take me home. I must have been looking sad. A woman walked past and said ‘smile’ (or similar) and was gone before I really realised what had happened. I remember it still and every time I do I smile to myself. Perhaps I can pay that one back.

This has been quite difficult. I take note that plans change, so I will revisit this often. As mentioned some aren’t really action plans, more a statement of values or aims to follow. I don’t see great harm in that. No doubt they evolve over time.

On the technical side I see that copy & paste to the posting doesn’t preserve the list format/indents – I tried to upload as pdf, but its not allowed. I guess you'll get the drift!


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 7:06 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 233
John,

Was just reading your thread yesterday AM wondering how you were doing. Clearly you've been hard at work on Lesson 7!

Quote:
As mentioned some aren’t really action plans, more a statement of values or aims to follow. I don’t see great harm in that.


Neither do I. As long as what you've detailed is clear and understandable to you, that's what matters. From what you've written, the intention of overall health is quite clear to me. As Coach Jon mentioned in the lesson text:
Quote:
What you share in these plans will not be used all at once — so don't worry about what you 'can and can't do'. Focus instead on what you think needs to be done.


You then said,

Quote:
No doubt they evolve over time.


Indeed, you are correct. Well done.

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:24 am 
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Posts: 16
Been rather a gap with holiday and work commitments and if I'm honest some questioning of the 'effort' and return on it... now back, and I hope better/more regular progress.

Lesson 10

IV. Items stashed:
• Nothing physical: no mags, CDs, videos.
• Porn pictures on backup drive.
• Porn videos on backup drive.
• Email account devoted to these activities.
• Links to sites saved in email.
• Subscriptions to cam sites, escort contact sites saved in emails.
• Escort contacts by email, phone numbers in emails.
• Massage contacts in emails.
• Emails, in dedicated account, used as contact filing system.
• Credit card used exclusively for acting out payments, kept separate from main accounts.

NB: Since starting recovery I have removed the ‘stash’ completely, erasing all files, closing email account etc. This list has been a useful check that everything has now gone.

V. People:
• Three affairs: A/B/C
• Massage parlour ‘staff’
• Escorts
• Online chat/cams.

VI. Places:
• Internet – porn, cams, chat
• Massage parlours
• Hotels on business trips
• Escort’s ‘flats’/hotels


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:22 am 
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Posts: 16
Lesson 7 - brief update

Having now found the checklist I see the suggestion that the vision regarding children should be specific to each.

So as I have two children, and two grandchildren, #5 and #6 need some revision.

As I feel I'm rather behind in progress I'll keep that in mind, I'll no doubt also need to look at the relevant plans too.

BTW I've been trying to access the manager and get the following error:
Error 500 - Internal Server Error
An error was encountered while processing your request. Typically this is a temporary condition. Please contact the web site owner for further assistance.
I've sent a note to support, but nothing heard back - anyone listening?


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