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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2019 9:36 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hi Radio
you talk about being specific and focussed in your goals

perhaps
Quote:
One of my recovery goals broken down into smaller, measurable tasks

I want to have completed the recovery workshop by 30 June 2019. In order to do this, I will complete at least 3 lessons per week.


should be more on learning ingraining and thus benefiting from the workshop not simply finishing it
I believe that this is your aim so why not say so , believe in RN, believe in change, believe in recovery, believe in yourself

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2019 8:10 pm 
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Posts: 38
Thanks Kenzo, much appreciated. Upon reading your message and reflecting, I think my recovery goal should have been more focused on my desire to ingrain learning of the Recovery Nation lessons.

Updated recovery goal:

To ingrain the information from Recovery Nation workshop lessons into my being, therefore benefiting from workshop lessons, by completing and understanding all of the Recovery Nation workshop lessons by 1 July 2019. The completion of Recovery Nation workshop lessons is planned to be undertaken using the following schedule:
  • Read and respond to lessons three days a week (Sunday/Monday, Wednesday and Friday)
  • Read other posts and re-read material two days a week (Tuesday and Thursday)
  • Reflect on learnings two days a week (Saturday and Sunday/Monday)


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 2:25 am 
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Lesson 23: Practical Uses for Measuring

Practical uses of having the skill to measure compulsive rituals on my recovery

I think having the skill to measure compulsive rituals will help me to see compulsive rituals as smaller bits of behaviour stringed together to make a compulsive ritual. That is, it will help me see how behavioural chains are created, where one behaviour leads to another behaviour and then another behaviour, and how behaviour cascades into a whole line of behaviours which together makes the compulsive ritual.

I think when I view the rituals in smaller bits of behaviour I tend to get less overwhelmed and less overcome by the rituals. I think it will help me see behaviour which could make me easily slip into a compulsive ritual or get stuck in a compulsive ritual cycle.

I think noting what emotions come out of the smaller bits of behaviour will help me take better actions based on my values and not just based on emotions.


Last edited by Radio on Fri Feb 08, 2019 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2019 12:00 am 
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Lesson 24: Identifying Compulsive Elements

I - Wheel of Sexual Compulsion

Sensory Stimulation: having stimulatory of senses helps me to cover up any feelings that are hard to deal with
Fantasy: allow me to escape and helps me get lost through sounds and imagery
Danger: the feeling of anxiousness is a trigger for compulsive behaviour. I have come to associate anxiety with orgasm.
Suspense: this anticipation helps me increase stimulation and drives me towards completing my compulsive ritual and reaching my goal.
Accomplishment: the objective for me is to orgasm or find certain pornography.
Power: I feel like I have control of a situation and other people when I fantasize.
Past: craving for nurturing, being controlled by others and health.
Poly-Addictions: not applicable
Orgasm: the main objective of most of my sexually compulsive rituals.

II – Compulsive ritual broken down into elements

The following are my compulsive rituals broken down into its elements. The compulsive rituals sometimes occur concurrently. For example, I will look pornography, social media and fantasize about people in the one ritual or occasion.

Pornography

  1. I have a feeling that is hard to deal with, likely sadness, fear or anger. Or I have been fantasizing about what new pornography is on the Internet (Suspense, Fantasy)
  2. I close the door, sometimes I close the door slowly, so nobody hears (Danger)
  3. I think about which websites to go to
  4. I visit a few pornography websites to check to see there are any new pornography
  5. I start masturbating with one hand and browse websites with the other (Sensory Stimulation)
  6. I browse for pornography to download, visiting multiple websites at one time through tabbed browsing (Sensory Stimulation)
  7. I find a piece of pornography that I wish to orgasm to (Accomplishment)
  8. I fantasize that I am the person in the pornography (Fantasy, Power)
  9. I orgasm through masturbation and feel as though I have achieved what I set out to do (Orgasm, Accomplishment)
  10. I feel sadness from the orgasm and regret doing it. I feel bad for looking up pornography.
  11. I quickly start searching for pornography to cover up the emotions. I start the cycle again from the top until exhausted.

Browsing social media in order to masturbate

  1. I have a feeling that is hard to deal with, likely sadness (perhaps stemming from the perception that I did something socially wrong or have been socially rejected), fear or anger. Or I have been fantasizing about what new social media posts there may be (Suspense, Fantasy).
  2. I close the door, sometimes I close door slowly, so nobody hears (Danger)
  3. I visit Instagram and Facebook to check to see there are any photographs of people that I fantasize having a relationship with
  4. I start masturbating with one hand and browse the social media websites with the other (Sensory Stimulation)
  5. I find a few photographs on social media that I wish to orgasm to and carefully arrange them on the screen so I can see all of the photographs at once (Accomplishment)
  6. I fantasize about the person (Fantasy, Power)
  7. I orgasm through masturbation and feel as though I have achieved what I set out to do (Orgasm, Accomplishment)
  8. I feel sadness from the orgasm and regret doing it. I feel bad for looking at people’s photos. I feel ashamed for carrying out an anti-social behaviour. I am paranoid that people will find out I have been looking at their social media photographs.
  9. I quickly start searching for more social media photographs to cover up the emotions. I start the cycle again from the top until exhausted.

Watching Webcam models

  1. I have a feeling that is hard to deal with, likely sadness, fear or anger.
  2. I close the door, sometimes I close door slowly, so nobody hears (Danger)
  3. I visit webcam model website to see what the people on the sites are doing
  4. I start masturbating with one hand (Sensory Stimulation)
  5. I begin to masturbate more intensely, as I watch to see if anything will excite me (Suspense, Sensory Stimulation)
  6. I find that the model is doing something that I like (Accomplishment)
  7. I fantasize about the person (Fantasy, Power)
  8. I orgasm through masturbation and feel as though I have achieved what I set out to do (Orgasm, Accomplishment)
  9. I feel sadness from the orgasm and regret doing it. I feel bad for visiting a webcam model site
  10. I quickly start searching for more social media photographs to cover up the emotions. I start the cycle again from the top until exhausted.

Fantasizing about strangers on the street

  1. I see a person on the street
  2. I start looking at the person on the street (Sensory Stimulation)
  3. I feel that the person may look back (Danger)
  4. I fantasize that I am in a relationship with the person (Fantasy)
  5. I go home a masturbate with the thought of them (Orgasm, Sensory Stimulation)

Fantasizing about people on media

  1. I see a someone on television or the Internet
  2. I start looking at the person on the television or internet (Sensory Stimulation)
  3. I fantasize that I am in a relationship with the person (Fantasy)
  4. I wonder whether there are other pictures of them (Suspense)
  5. I start looking up to find other pictures of them (Sensory Stimulation)
  6. I masturbate to their pictures or videos (Orgasm, Sensory Stimulation)


Last edited by Radio on Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2019 11:44 pm 
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Lesson 25: Identifying Compulsive Rituals

I - Primary elements of a compulsive ritual

Compulsive Ritual: Pornography

  1. Thought about what new pornography there is online
  2. I have the thought that there must be really good pornography online and that I would be missing out if I didn’t look at the new pornography
  3. Opened up my laptop
  4. I quickly type in the website names into the browser and click enter, before I could convince myself not to do it
  5. I see there is new pornography
  6. I watch the new pornography
  7. I search for more pornography
  8. I begin to masturbate
  9. I fantasize that I am with the person in the pornography
  10. I orgasm
  11. I feel ashamed
  12. I close down the tabs of pornography
  13. I browse for something else on the Internet, for example music, to drown out the voice of shame
  14. I search for more pornography and masturbate until exhausted
  15. I clean myself up
  16. I feel deflated and guilty


Last edited by Radio on Fri Feb 08, 2019 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 11:33 pm 
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Posts: 38
Lesson 26: Developing Compulsive Rituals

Mapped out specific incidence of a ritual being carried out

Pornography

  1. Looked at someone I found attractive at a different department at work
  2. Fantasized about what the person looked like without clothes
  3. Thought about what I could say to the person
  4. Asked them what they were eating
  5. Tried to make some small talk
  6. Thought the person was brushing me off and didn’t really want to talk
  7. Felt sad and left
  8. Thought about going home and watching pornography
  9. Went to take public transport
  10. Looked at the people I found attractive on public transport and pictured them in sexually explicit positions
  11. Tried to rush home to look at pornography
  12. Had food and tried to not look at pornography
  13. Felt deflated
  14. Went to my computer to look for the person at work on social media
  15. Found some pictures of the person
  16. Felt elated
  17. Arranged the pictures on my desktop
  18. Thought about the person in sexually explicit positions
  19. Fantasized about the person being in a relationship with me
  20. Masturbated
  21. Felt good
  22. Had an orgasm
  23. Felt guilty and ashamed
  24. Had the paranoid feeling that the person would find out I used their photos to masturbate or that someone would find out about my masturbation habit
  25. Deleted the pictures from my computer
  26. Ran a cleaning program on my computer
  27. Put on some music to distract myself from what I had done
  28. Cleaned everything up
  29. Came back to the computer and thought about masturbating again


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2019 1:53 am 
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Lesson 27: Identifying Compulsive Chains

Example of when I have strung multiple rituals simultaneously

Sometimes when I engage in masturbation using a picture of someone I know, I will try to intensely picture them in sexually explicit positions. I fantasize what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. I would sometimes put on some music which the person may like. I would sometimes put on pornography in the background so I could just hear the sounds of the pornography. I would fantasize that the person whose picture I was looking at that was making the sounds.

Example of how I have strung together several rituals back-to-back

I tend to string together pornography, social media pictures, dating site pictures, browsing the Internet and television. When I get bored I would swap out a different category. For example, if I masturbated to porn and got bored I would masturbate at social media pictures. Then once I got bored of social media pictures I could go back to pornography because the break from pornography made it feel fresh again. In between masturbating I would browse the Internet for non-pornographic videos or television to watch, in order to stop feeling ashamed from masturbating.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:22 pm 
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Lesson 28: Developing Compulsive Chains

Compulsive chain of my most recent acting out behaviour

  1. I thought about whether there were new pictures on someone’s social media account
  2. I told myself not to go online to look at the social media account
  3. I started up my computer and began to type in the person’s social media account name
  4. I looked at the pictures and found there was nothing new posted
  5. I started to look at old pictures
  6. I started to masturbate and fantasized about the person
  7. I had an orgasm
  8. I felt ashamed
  9. I looked at someone else’s social media account
  10. I download the photos
  11. I arrange the photos on my screen and fantasized about the person
  12. I masturbated
  13. I had an orgasm
  14. I felt more ashamed
  15. I put on some music
  16. I turned off the music and started looking for some new pornography
  17. I looked through pornography and downloaded some videos as I masturbated
  18. I looked through all the videos again and decided which one I wanted to masturbate to
  19. I fantasized about being in the pornography
  20. I had an orgasm
  21. I felt sad
  22. I looked through more social media accounts as I masturbate
  23. I download pictures and arrange them on my screen and I fantasize about the person
  24. I had an orgasm
  25. I said to myself “this is enough” as I felt bad and tired
  26. I cleaned myself up and go to have a shower
  27. I blamed myself and criticize myself for masturbating while showering
  28. I tried to tell myself not to look at social media or pornography again

Having written out a compulsive chain I can see that there is a cycle that I enter into:
  • I have some emotion like sadness
  • I try to cover it up and try to feel better temporarily by masturbating
  • Having an orgasm removes the daze where I try get temporary relief, by any means necessary. The sadness I feel after I orgasm is still there and I feel even worse, now that I have wasted my time. I also feel ashamed for masturbating
  • Despite knowing that masturbating makes me feel worse, I try to cover up my feelings and try to get temporary relief by masturbating
  • The cycle continues until I am exhausted

What could be added as additional destructive elements that would increase the overall stimulation of the event
  • While looking up pornography, look into the biographies of the people in the pornography and fantasize bout my romantic compatibility with those people.
  • Put multiple pornography videos onto the screen or put up photos together with videos on the screen.
  • Buy a new computer with a high resolution screen to watch pornography at a higher resolution. Then, stare closely at particular areas of the videos.
  • Looked outside the window to see if anyone attractive is walking by.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:36 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 391
Hi Radio,

Quote:
Having written out a compulsive chain I can see that there is a cycle that I enter into:
- I have some emotion like sadness
- I try to cover it up and try to feel better temporarily by masturbating
- Having an orgasm removes the daze where I try get temporary relief, by any means necessary. The sadness I feel after I orgasm is still there and I feel even worse, now that I have wasted my time. I also feel ashamed for masturbating
- Despite knowing that masturbating makes me feel worse, I try to cover up my feelings and try to get temporary relief by masturbating
- The cycle continues until I am exhausted

And that my friend is a concise and astute summary of sexual addiction! You have done well to recognise that pattern which is the hard part and that is half the battle. As you continue through the workshop you will be given the tools to help you break that cycle but for now I would flag that it all starts with us having negative emotions (anger, sadness, boredom, whatever) and we instinctively look for ways to improve our emotional state. We decide to block out the bit at the end where we feel guilt/remorse/shame because that would run the risk of stopping us from getting our fix but it is very much there and you see that each time at the end and it is that ending which has brought you to RN because you are fed up with it. As I say, the tools are here to teach you how to change your decision making for the better and you will learn these shortly but well done for doing this self-reflection in the meantime.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:42 am 
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Thanks L2R, greatly appreciate the message. Also, looking forward to learning about tools to help break the cycle during the course.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2019 1:40 am 
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Lesson 29: The Role of Emotions

A - Description of the emotions I experienced and the thoughts that triggered them, experienced during the emotions activity

When I tried to think about values that are important to me. I felt let down and sad, as I thought about times when I have not been acting in alignment with my values. I could only think of thoughts about my failure. When I thought of my regrets, I started to feel tense, sad and started to cringe. I had thoughts of wanting to change the past. When I had thoughts of trauma, I felt sad. I had thoughts about wanting to change the past. When I thought about wonderful moments, I felt very light and tingly.

When I thought about one of my compulsive behaviours. My body wanted to engage in the behaviour. I found my body and especially hands to be quite energised and I had the urge to start using the computer. I started to get carried away with the thoughts of engaging in the compulsive behaviour, so I forbid myself from engaging in the behaviour. My thoughts went into overdrive. My self-talk revolved around my worth as a person and the tone was very forceful. I considered that I will be faced with the challenge of deciding whether I should act on the feelings to acting compulsively in the future. I thought about previous times where I had to decide on whether to act out, and remembered how stressed and tense I felt. I began to feel the consequence of my decision to engage in my compulsive behaviours, I felt quite exhausted, tired and stressed. I then felt the consequence of remaining committed to recovery and I felt energised and a bit lighter.

B – Description of anxiety I have experienced

Least anxious state I have experienced

I think one time that comes to mind is when I have been walking through nature. I felt like the concept of time was no longer a factor. I felt present and was in touch with sensations.

Most anxious state I have experienced

One of the most anxious state that I have experienced is when I thought about the topic of health, relationship, family and work issues that were happening all at once. I got lost in each topic. For example, I would think about my health then start to imagine what would happen in the future. Then I would think about another topic. I would jump back and forth between areas. I would feel very warm and my heart felt jumpy. I felt tingly and gripped my arm and leg. I pulled at my hair. I breathed quite quickly.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2019 12:39 am 
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Lesson 30: Values vs Emotions

Response not applicable - practical exercise assessing emotions/values


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2019 12:40 am 
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Lesson 31: Achieving Balance and Stability

A - All identifiable stressors that have affected my emotional health over the past week

Health – severe stressor
Lack of sleep – moderate stressor
Parents - moderate stressor
Social anxiousness – low stressor

B – Whether I see the majority of my energy being drained is related to the pursuit of my highest prioritized values

I am only using some energy on my top values, including: reading for self-improvement, helping people who are disadvantaged, walking and contemplation. However, the majority of my energy is being drained is by browsing the Internet for non-sexual content, for example, looking for interesting information or videos and researching consumer goods. When browsing the Internet, I feel very tired. After I finish browsing I realise I am actually more tired than I thought I was. I think that I browse Internet for the same reasons I engage in pornography and masturbation, which is to dampen down bothersome thoughts and feelings. I have been using the Internet a lot more while I am abstaining from pornography and masturbation. The long-term consequences, for me, of browsing the Internet are way less severe when compared to the long-term consequences of pornography, engaging in sexual fantasy and masturbation. However, my use of the Internet is stopping me from acting in accordance my values or pursuing my values.

C - Whether I see the majority of meaning and stimulation I gain is related to my highest values

The majority of my meaning is derived from things that I value. I do not derive any meaning from doing things that are not part of my values, for example browsing the Internet. However, I am stimulated by browsing the Internet but am unlikely any meaning from it, most of the times. When I finish browsing I feel worse and I feel sad for not living in accordance with my values. The quality of life I have is not as good as it could be.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2019 10:14 pm 
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Lesson 32: Evolving Practical Values

1 - Summary of my progression towards my 'proactive action plans'

I have made progress on some of my proactive action plans. However, I can see that I have not been reminding myself of the plans, so there are some plans have not been implemented. I think, for me, I need to make some of the proactive action plans more specific. That is, I should stipulate when and how I am going to carry out some of the plans. The biggest thing that is holding me back at the moment is the use of technologies to deal with emotions. It is wasting a lot of my time and is not making me feel good.

I think I will, for a month, not use unneeded information technologies, so that I can focus on my proactive action plans. Then after a month, reintroduce greater use of the technologies after asking how I will use it to gain the most out of the technology. I plan to do start this in March 2019, in the following manner:
Computer – Only use Recovery Nation. With 30 minutes of free use each day.
Phone – Only answer important communication. Only use productivity apps already installed. No installing other apps. No web browsing.
Television – Only watch a maximum of one movie a week.
General – No electronic use after 9:00 PM except for mp3 player with only guided meditations loaded onto it and eBook readers.

2 - Updated Proactive Action Plans

1. Use time wisely
  • Use the productivity system that has been implemented (capture everything I need to do and do reviews of the system every Sunday)
  • Reduce Internet time (see plan above)
  • Read books
  • Learn piano

2. Experience the present moment
  • Continue contemplation and meditation exercises everyday
  • Take small breaks each day to experience the present moment and be alone with my thoughts

3. Look after my physical body
  • Brush teeth twice a day
  • Take vitamin D every day
  • Contemplate twice a day
  • Exercise each day for about 30 minutes
  • Do blood pressure exercises for five times a week
  • Check blood pressure two times a week
  • Drink 8 glasses of water a day
  • Only listen to guided meditation in bed. No other electronics, except eBook readers
  • Aim to go to bed at 8:30 PM
  • Eat clean and often
  • Take naps, when possible

4. Accepting
  • Practice being willing to have difficult emotions while acting towards values
  • Acknowledge mistakes of the past
  • Acknowledge all the good that I have done
  • Learn from mistakes

5. Respectful
  • Act skilfully with others
  • Listen to other people’s opinions
  • Do not talk ill about others

6. Integrity
  • Speak and write truthfully
  • Be open to change
  • Keep agreements and promises
  • Do not make compromises on my values
  • Take personal responsibility

7. Compassionate
  • Be kind to others, without trying to people please
  • Practice loving kindness

8. Improve myself
  • Focus on creating three good habits every three months
  • Schedule when micro-habits are to be completed

9. Friendliness
  • Listen to others before trying to be understood
  • Focus on talking about positive things
  • Have open body language
  • Develop friendships
  • Develop social skills
  • Try to remain present during interactions with others

10. Joy
  • Think about what I am grateful for each day
  • Don’t take myself too seriously

11. Self-care
  • Be aware of self-talk
  • Take breaks when tired
  • Take time to relax (Not using the Internet, TV, phone or video games)

12. Adventure
  • Spend time outside
  • Do fun courses

13. Personal independence
  • Do not depend on others for happiness
  • Do not people please, especially when it has negative consequences for me or others

14. Financial stability
  • Don’t riskily invest money

15. Self-control
  • If tired avoid making decisions
  • Give myself encouragement to continue with recovery
  • Increase blood glucose, if required, to make better decisions


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2019 2:50 am 
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Lesson 33: Establishing Emotional Maturity

The following was collated circa March 2019. However, it was not posted due to getting caught up into a relapse.

Day one

When I looked at the paper losses in my stocks portfolio, I felt a rush. I have been worried about the stock portfolio, because the portfolio is my savings.

Someone sent me a message. I felt very anxious replying to the message. Most of the time I think I feel quite anxious when replying to messages, be it email, text messages or letters. I even get anxious when communicating with family members.

When I went to the store I felt tired and sad. There was a moment when I did not want to leave the car. I thought “what is the point. I started trying to catch glimpses of people at the store. I tried to tell myself not to look. But, then I looked. Then it was hard not to look. I got angry and annoyed with myself.

During the day, I started worrying about my health. My mind got lost into wondering what would happen with my health. My mind then tried to distract me by wondering into sexual fantasy.

Day two

In the morning I said “stuff it”. I really just wanted to act out after thinking about my health situation.

My medical report came. After reading it I had urges to act out. I was really anxious. I started to think seriously about acting out and got very warm. I tried to say to myself “I need to act out”. I did some research to find reasons on why I should act out. I tried to rationalise acting out, before acting out. I said to myself “stuff it”. Then I acted out, I binged on pornography and masturbation. I had feelings of not liking the acting out at first, but after a while I got lost in it and totally forgot about my values. After that I festered on the incident. I was sad and upset

Day three

I went to the shops and I felt embarrassed. I looked for parking and got tingly all over my body. I felt very upset. I tried to forget about being upset by acting out again. I felt very tense afterwards.

Effort: reflections on my effort with this exercise

I think that I could have put more effort in doing this exercise. I seemed to have easily gotten lost in emotion, so it made it hard to assess my emotions. I do see that emotions are finite when I am calm. I think I need to find ways to step back from emotions, in order to assess them for what they are.


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