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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2018 5:37 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 76
Felix Nai isn't my real name, obviously. Just to get that out of the way. I've been masturbating since age 6, using porn since age 12 and hiring prostitutes since age 19. I am 22. I've been trying to quit porn for 6 years and I've been trying to abstain from procuring sex from prostitutes for about 1 year.
My only serious subject matter in relation to sobriety is, up until the last few weeks, porn. I've had one 3 month stint of sobriety, after my first sexual encounter with a woman was sabotaged by a porn induced impotence. I've since relapsed and quit many times, most often for a period of around a week. I've had moderate success with the recovery method known as EasyWay. https://sites.google.com/site/hackbooke ... asy%2Fhome
With this method my periods of abstinence would typically reach around 6 weeks before a relapse. I would re-read the book and the cycle would continue. That lasted for all of last year. Over time I began to have doubts in the book, causing it to lose it's effectiveness.
I'm back to having only a weeks worth of abstinence in me before relapsing. I've reached lesson 23 of this workshop. In the time it took to complete these lessons I've relapsed at least 3 times. Frankly I've grown tired of counting days and relapses, so it might have actually been more then 3. It took an awful long time for the account to be approved, so I apologize for rushing ahead. I'm very eager to be free of my addictions.
How should I post the completed lessons? Should I just dump them all at once?
Here's how I did lesson 1
Am I actively committed to change?
I will make this my top priority. I have been committed to ending my addiction for 6 years now. It has consumed my thoughts and my being. Today, I’m 22. I started recovery when I was 17. I can’t allow any more of my youth to be consumed .
Guild/shame
I feel intense guilt for my failure to recover for over half a decade. It has cost be precious years of my life, but even if I only experience 1 year of living free of addiction- it will be cause for celebration.
Time to change
I am patient with myself, but I am also eager to never PMO again. I want this to be my last attempt at dealing with this addiction. I don’t want to waste any more of my life on it.
Why do I want to change
1. I want my young man’s libido
2. I want to get rid of the niggling fear of impotence.
3. I want to stop being a slave to compulsions. I want control.
4. I want to stop wasting my time.
5. I want to stop twisting my sexual tastes with super-normal stimuli.
6. I want to stop identifying with my harmful behavior.
7. I want my energy back. I want to stop feeling lethargic.
8. I want to stop relying on chemicals to get me through life.
9. I want to be of one mind. To remove the voice that always tries to push me back to being an addict.
10. I want to stop being a slave to immediate gratification.
11. I want to respect myself.

I couldn’t have been more then 10. My character flaws were already blooming into full blown mental health crises. The way that kid was raised and socialized, the people that he met and the increasing lack of guidance put an enormous load on his back. I learned, I got stronger and now I’m putting away the baggage. Distrust, paranoia, social anxiety, self-hate, bitterness. That is what I see in that child eyes.
Sometimes I would compare how easy my childhood must seem to victims of childhood sex abuse and extreme violence or neglect. But compared to most of my peers I lived with an unusual amount of stress, fear and most of all, self-loathing. I had it worse than them in regards to socializing with people- something that practically defines human nature. My challenges were and are very real and I’m sick of feeling guilty for not being traumatized enough to qualify for sympathy. I don’t need anyone to cry for me and I won’t be crying for myself. I have no one to answer to for what I perceive to be my reality, but I must accept it as such.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2018 10:26 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
Hey Felix Nai,

Welcome to RN and your journey to health.

Quote:
How should I post the completed lessons? Should I just dump them all at once?


Your recovery, your thread. Go ahead and post away.

Quote:
With this method my periods of abstinence would typically reach around 6 weeks before a relapse.


In time you might discover that recovery is more than abstinence. Keep going.

Quote:
I want this to be my last attempt at dealing with this addiction. I don’t want to waste any more of my life on it.


Then let's get at it. You cannot unknow what you now know—that your life has come to a point of dissatisfaction and that you’ve been managing it with unhealthy decisions. The circumstances which bring you here may indeed be unique, but the path you will take to recover from them is not. What am I saying? You’re not alone and recovery is possible.
Your firm commitment to your life beyond addiction will make all the difference—don’t forget that it is your choice. So if health is what you want, then commit to yourself with conviction and complete the exercises with absolute honesty. The path is long and hard, but it has been done countless times before you.
Although we recommend completing around 3 lessons a week, we encourage you to read or post daily. That being said, recovery is not a race and it’s important to go a pace with which your body and mind can safely handle—many believe recovery to be a journey, not a destination.
If you find yourself challenged or have questions with one of the lessons, utilize the help forum as help is readily available.
Coaches and Mentors are likely to drop by occasionally. If they don’t, no worries, it’s generally a good sign that you’re on the right path.
So, do you accept this invitation to your new life? The choice is yours.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease,

Anon


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2018 10:54 am 
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Posts: 76
Thanks for the reply. I'm currently re-reading that hackbook I wrote about. It's helped me springboard into long periods of sobriety and having at least a momentary respite from my addiction is something I really need right now. To be specific, I need the energy and time that comes with not PMOing (porn-masturbation-orgasm) so I can get my life in order.
I have to admit, re-reading this book has become something of a ritual in and of itself. Nevertheless, it's inspired a bit of important introspection on the subject of pleasure. To elaborate, porn seems to be more pleasurable then it really is. When engaged in during a craving, the relief felt upon ending that particular aggravation gives the impression of much greater pleasure then is actually experienced. When taking that element out of the equation, (for instance, when you're chain-PMOing) it becomes evident to me that it's really nothing special. It's no more stimulating or engaging then literally any other activity I like to engage in. The immediate consequences are panic, misery, depression, humiliation and a feeling of failure, which when taken in to account, make PMO less pleasurable then doing nothing at all.
Furthermore, I read a bit of your recovery thread and found a bit of insight that I found important. That pleasure is not synonymous with happiness. Up until this point I've led my life with a sort of hedonistic arithmetic. If the pleasure outweighs the pain, then the decision has the greenlight. This is the basis for my observation in the previous paragraph, and although I still find value in it, I realize that my future decisions should be based on a different question. Is this action going to make me satisfied with the life I'm living or not? It's not entirely different to my hedonist arithmetic, with the key difference being perspective. I want to start taking into account my actions in the wider context of my life. This is something I've tried to achieve, but I've been doing is as nothing more then a sort of shortcut, a way to trick my brain into not wanting self-destructive behavior. Now I actually see the value in it.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 6:37 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hi Felix
just a quick comment
IMO the first half dozen or so lessons in this workshop are the most important
they guide us to build the foundation for our recovery, for our future
We should reflect back as we proceed and reflect on our responses to those initial lessons

So with regard to your reasons for wanting to change
These are about you :g:
but some could be more positive

Quote:
I want to respect myself
positive


Quote:
I want to stop wasting my time

might read better when you reflect as I want to utilise me time and energy positively

just a thought
your thread your words your choice
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:18 pm 
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Posts: 76
Lesson 2
I want to know myself, and my fellow man through art. To look to both my own chosen subject, acting, and beyond it so I can understand human nature and relate to the people around me, my family, friends and colleges on a deeper level. I want nurture my skillset as an artist for its own sake and so I can know as much as I can through this way of knowing. I want be healthy and strong in both mind and body, to inspire that in my peers and friends. In a way, I would like my life and my work to be of service, to improve the happiness of those around me.
I want to enforce my personal boundries and never compromise on them. I want to resist any temptation to sacrifice my integrity for short term gain. I want to live without selling out. I want to pursue my goals with unwavering confidence and tenacity.
I want to have financial control of my life.
I want to fight any obstacle in my life. I want to destroy this addiction and anything else holding me back, because anything short of that would mean surrendering to mediocrity.
I want to seduce and make love to a lot of beautiful women. I want to bring them joy, pleasure and delight. I want to satisfy my ego, delight my senses and defy my lot in life, my lack of social, and emotional management skills early in my life. I want to leave behind the kind of art that inspires and warms the soul.

Note: I find that this is the lesson I used to go back to the most. I used to think of quitting my addiction as a sacrifice. Constantly reminding myself that the addiction was incompatible with my life's vision was how I justified that sacrifice. I see now that that was somewhat wrongheaded. The truth is, after experiencing just a few days of non-stop, compulsive PMO, I was freed of the illusion that this was pleasurable. The momentary gratification came at the expense of so much misery, that I struggled to imagine how giving this up was in any way a sacrifice. I genuinely didn't enjoy the chaos. If I accomplished anything in my 6 years of attempted recovery, it's to divorce my identity from my addiction. I am not defined by being an addict and It's been a very long time since I've found comfort in the chaos.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:23 pm 
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Posts: 76
Lesson 3
My values

Survival
1. Honesty with self
2. Stoicism
3. Self-respect
4. Always working towards bettering myself
5. Integrity in my work
6. Appreciation for art
7. Engaging in intellectually stimulating pursuits
8. To live without uncontrollable compulsion
9. To live with order and structure
10. To better my body
11. Emotional stability
12. To be responsible
13. To be decisive
14. Developing personal charisma
15. Developing social skills
16. To fuck well
17. To bed a great number of women
18. Skepticism
19. Being more open and curious with my father
20. With my sister
21. To live without malignant doubting
22. Letting go of what’s irrelevant
23. Bravery
24. Justice
25. Intellectual honesty
26. Mercy towards oneself
27. Being manipulative
28. Punishing attempts to exploit my good will
29. Defending myself
30. Dealing gracefully with disrespect
31. Control
32. Not allowing my identity to defined by others
33. Not subordinating myself to perceived ‘’betters’’
34. To cut toxic people from my life
35. To make sober decisions
36. Competition
37. Living on my own
38. To be self-sufficient
39. To be efficient
40. Fiscal independence
41. Lack of codependence.
42. Self-sufficiency
43. Sexual adventurousness
44. Willingness to take risks
45. Accountability
46. Forgiveness
47. To be humorous
48. To be spirited
49. To be less cruel
50. Giving love
51. Being valued as a lover and man
52. Being valued as an artistic asset
53. Being dependable
54. Being respected
55. Patience
56. Enforcing boundries with others
57. Personal glory
58. Keeping a cool head under pressure
59. Compassion for others
60. Keeping an optimistic outlook
61. Keeping contact with my old friends
62. Giving attention to my old flame- the guitar
63. Striving for more knowledge
64. Being moderate in my restful activities
65. Being open to social interaction
66. Being more kind
67. Standing up for the people that I feel deserve
68. Experiencing the new and novel
69. To live in the present
70. To be mindful of my body
71. To treat people as individuals
72. To acknowledge my achievements unreservedly.
73. To be predict potentially unsavory motives in people with seemingly good standing
74. To know the difference between healthy suspicion and paranoia
75. Striving for the top
76. Knowledge of others
77. Appreciation for others
78. Giving the benefit of the doubt
79. (refusing self-hatered and self denigration in earnest)
80. Being useful for society
81. Helping others build value in themselves
82. Honoring those whom I love
83. Having practical skills
84. Being benevolent
85. Being elegant
86. Leading when you know you’re the best for the job

Note: I know I am a bit sparse on the number of values. However, I believe in quality over quantity, and I've tried to include as few redundancies as possible in this list.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:27 pm 
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Posts: 76
Lesson 5

Life decisions and the values they were based on:
Starting acting:
Value to society, self-challenge, love for art, desire to understand people
Getting good at guitar:
Competition, discipline, love for art, order
Gaining muscle mass:
Discipline, desire for self-betterment, respect, being attractive

Top 15 values:

1. Honesty with self
2. Stoicism
3. Self-respect
4. Always working towards bettering myself
5. Integrity in my work
6. Appreciation for art
7. Engaging in intellectually stimulating pursuits
8. To live without uncontrollable compulsion
9. To live with order and structure
10. To better my body
11. Emotional stability
12. To be responsible
13. To be decisive
14. Developing personal charisma
15. Developing social skills


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:41 pm 
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Lesson 6: Proactive action plan
Honesty with self:
-Whenever I fail, I will access how much of it is my fault. Over and underestimations should be kept to a minimum
-When my worldview is challenged, I won’t make excuses and I’ll address the challenge
-Admit when someone I love might not have my best interest and heart and admit when they’ve been mistaken
-Be honest about how much or how little you enjoy something
-When I have a concern with myself, I won’t procrastinate. I’ll address it
Stoicism:
-I won’t whine when I things get hard and are beyond my control. I’ll accept them and move on.
-If I make a mistake I’ll accept it, make a mental note of it and move on
-I won’t engage in compulsive pleasure-complaining. If I see a problem, I’ll address it without getting worked up
-If I lose an item, I won’t get angry, I’ll make a note to leave my stuff in a way as to prevent losing it and I’ll hope that someone finds it useful if they find it. Remember the grey hat?
-If I experience a technical problem, I won’t get angry or frustrated I’ll try to fix it. What good does straining my nerves do?
-If I relapse I won’t mope, I’ll make a note of why I failed and move on
Self-respect:
-I’ll groom myself properly: dress well, be shaven, I won’t let my hair deviate too much
-I won’t drink myself into embarrassment
-I’ll call out people speaking to me in a disrespectful manner
-I won’t do anyone elses job for them
-I’ll call out people when they’re late
-I won’t tolerate people interfearing with my work
-I won’t sacrifice my dignity to get ahead in my career
-I won’t sell anyone out
-I won’t engage in humiliating activities that promise me pleasure or short term gain in return
Integrity in my work
-Don’t ever make your being on stage a chore
-If you’re not sure about a script, don’t wing it, read
-self-reaherse if not swamped, put it in the right action graph
-Don’t be a dick to your colleges on stage
-If you’ve got research- do it
-Be on time
-Overcome outside bullshit from your life or health.
-Don’t spare yourself
Self betterment:
-Knowing what my top 3 priorities are and working every day on at least 2 of them
-Unless swamped: keeping a diary of useful action taken daily
-Checking off 3-4 actions daily
-Following the call of useful action even when in a designated ‘’rest day’’
To better my body:
-When swamped, do bodyweight exercises once a week at least
-Either go to the gym or work on prep for starting a gym routine
-Eat well
-Follow your program and maintain when done
Art appreciation:
-Go to a plays more often
-Watch a movie every week
-Play your guitar at least once a week
-Stop procrastinating getting new music
-Visit културен бульон (a facebook group some friends of mine use to share art) at least once a week
Engaging in intellectually stimulating pursuits:
-In addition to your habit of consuming politically inclined media and in addition to art appreciation, build a reading list and get to work on reading through it


To live with order and structure:
-Keep doing the checklist thing
-Have lots of progress checking in general
-Everything else was covered by ‘’self-betterment’’ and ‘’dedication to my craft’’
Emotional stability:
-Don’t make emotional decisions
-Cultivate a strong baseline emotional state
-Take a minute each day to appreciate what you’ve accomplished
-Take a minute each day to become present
-Use whatever tools you have at your disposal to restore balance when things go awry, breathing, becoming present, etc.
-When your thoughts are racing, move slow talk slow, think slow
-When you’re balanced be aware and happy about it
Decisiveness:
When you spot a problem or a task, do them immidiatelly. Don’t hold back. Jump into it. Do not allow time to think of excuses or to procrastinate.
Personal charisma:
Set aside a time to work on this skill set (at least 6 months) to where it is in the top 3 of your priorities. Work on it at least twice a week.
Go out of your way to have a chipper attitude. Construct what it means to be plesent, sociable and warm in your eyes and project that when around others. Don’t allow glumness to beat you down. Fake it till you make it.
Developing social skills:
Listen to people when they talk. Don’t just focus on what to say next. Concentrate on their words and the meaning behind them, then formulate a response.
Learn to read body language.
Note: This plan included some pretty rigid time constraints on some items in it's previous incarnation. It's a bit more reasonable now, but still retains a spirit of maximalism. I realize that as much as I'd like to be a productivity machine, I'm only human and I can only live up to my highest standards when I'm at my very best and fact is, I'm sometimes at my worst. I don't plan on beating myself up for failing to follow this plan to the letter, but I'll do my damndest to try. The only way we get better is by having an ideal to strive towards, but when the price of failure is self-resentment, then the ideal becomes a driving force for self-destruction.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2018 3:38 am 
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Lesson 10
Persons:
Ronni: heavy regret, lies
Rali: good company, should have acted sooner
Siliva: pitty, guild for not trying harder
Maria: base attraction, frustration, care what she thinks of me
Malvina: regret for non action, intense attraction
Katie: salavating at her innocence, self-hate for being unnoticable to her
Karina: frustration at percived innability to act, because of addiction and baggage
Gretta: swung and missed, frustrated
18 yo prost: emotional comfort, forgot about her number, calculated abandonment, first intercourse since 17yo
Blond masseuse: made her cum, best sex experiance until that point
Black haired prost: greatest sex until then, emotional comfort, guilty for not visiting again
Her collegue: intense sexual attraction, sex on par with black haired prost, sex was just how I always wanted it to be
Black haired masseuse, was great, but felt empty inside

Most of the exercise did not apply to me, as my main source of compulsive behavior is internet porn, so the only location associated with it is my own bedroom and PC. Likewise, I have no stashes of addiction associated materials for the same reason. Most obsessive though patterns are essentially, pornographic materials I have watched and I've watched so much that I never no which one is going to crawl out of the memory hole and surprise me.
Still, I wrote down some of what I consider to be obsessive thoughts, concerning real people. When it comes to my prostitution habit, I definitely find the urges are accompanied by thinking about prostitutes I've been with.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2018 4:09 am 
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Lesson 11
Self-assessment, as it applies to me
Harmful fantasies: distractions from my daily routine, my right-action.
Obsessions, in a sexual/romantic context, involve the compulsive need to think about certain people, situations and/or behavior
• 3-5 second sexual fantasies that occur as part of a daily routine (up to hundreds of such fantasies daily — especially when in public places)
• Numerous daily sexual/romantic fantasies involving a particular person, memory or act (can consume several hours each day)
• Consciously using triggers to promote fantasy — as in the use of pornography, romantic novels, "people-watching"
Fantasy
• Pornography
• Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression)
• Boredom
• Lack of intimacy
• Visual attraction
• Social situations/Public places
Elements Frequently Associated with Masturbation (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
• Sensory Stimulation
• Orgasm
• Accomplishment (when fulfilling the "need" to achieve orgasm)

Other Elements Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Masturbation is the Primary Behavior:
• Fantasy
• Pornography
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Masturbation
• Life Stressors
• Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger)
• Objects (especially visual stimulation, access to lotions, objects)
• Unfulfilled romantic/sexual encounters
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Masturbation:
• Self-respect (when behavior is followed by guilt/shame)
• Intimacy (when not emotionally sharing the experience with others)
• Autonomy (when behavior is compulsive, feeling like life is outside of own control)
• Order (when time spent masturbating interferes with the completion of life goals, time management)
• Safety (when masturbation includes dangerous and/or injurious acts)
Common Behaviors Associated with Pornography:
I. Stimulation by the use of pictures
• explicit pictures found in magazines such as Playboy, Playgirl, Hustler, trading cards, Internet, etc., involving sexual genitalia or sexual acts
• pictures found in books, catalogs, magazines, comics, newspapers, etc., which are not necessarily created to be sexually enticing, but nevertheless are perceived by the viewer as such (including computer-generated images)
II. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit video
• erotic movies produced for public viewing (e.g. theaters, television, CD, streaming video)
• home movies produced by self or other private citizens that involve sexual acts or nude modeling
• replaying, freeze-framing or putting into slow-motion those scenes which are found to be erotically stimulating
III. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit art
• cartoons, comic strips, doodles
• drawings, paintings
Elements Frequently Associated with Pornography (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
• Sensory (visual)
• Accomplishment (in the attempts to find the most stimulating images)
• Orgasm
Other Elements Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Pornography is the Primary Behavior:
• Fantasy
• Masturbation
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Pornography:
• Life Stressors
• Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger, anxiety)
• Boredom
• Curiosity
• Masturbation (when orgasm cannot be achieved without additional stimulation)
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Pornography:
• Self-respect (when behavior is followed by guilt/shame)
• Intimacy (in the objectification of the people involved)
• Autonomy (when behavior is compulsive, feeling like life is outside of own control)
• Order (when time spent engaged in pornography interferes with the completion of life goals, time management)

Common Behaviors Associated with Promiscuity:
• Hiring of prostitutes/call-girls
Elements Frequently Associated with Promiscuity (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
• Sensory Stimulation (especially physical)
• Accomplishment (when searching for a partner and when engaging in sexual activity)
Elements Frequently Associated with Prostitution (from the Wheel of Sexual Compulsion):
• Sensory Stimulation (especially physical)
• Suspense
• Fantasy
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Prostitution
• Emotional imbalance (especially depression, loneliness)
• Low self-esteem (especially as it relates to physical performance, appearance)
• Relationship difficulties (especially high stress; low intimacy environments)
Boundaries Frequently Violated By Prostitution:
• Security (involving criminal arrest)
• Honesty (especially as it relates to time management, financial disclosure)


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2018 4:57 am 
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Lesson 12
They tend to confuse addiction recovery with general mental health issues — creating a hypersensitivity to all of the emotions that they experience. Depression, anxiety, anger — they are all tightly related to "recovery" and an imbalance in one often leads to an imbalance in the other.
Note: I just don’t get this one. Isn’t it true that mental instability increases the danger of a relapse?
I consider this trait to be in line with the values of responsibility and integrity in my work. I view it as being thorough.

They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges.
Values congruent: Honesty with self. I can see addiction has been something that I’ve often, but not always felt I had a limited control over.
Values incongruent: Control. It’s in and of itself a value for me, and having an area of my life be out of my control to a significant degree is not acceptable. To clarify, I don’t think I can control everything in my life to a 100%, happenstance is always a factor, chaos is a factor, I can’t plan for everything. When I say control is a value, I’m talking about that abstract sense of being in control, to where you are able to efficiently leverage that which is subject to your actions. To me the difference of being in control and not is the difference between not having the will to get up early in the morning for a plan or work or what have you and being able to do that. I don’t know how well I was able to explain it.


Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
Note: I do alter my life based on my addiction. I’ve lived as an addict up till now, of course there is an alteration in progress. Furthermore, I used to explore trigger situations by not calling them trigger situations, for example, I would look up a reddit AMA for, say, a professional prostitute with the excuse that there would be no visual stimulation, and therefore no danger go on to fantasize about the prostitute doing the AMA and then visit her escort site, just to ‘’attach a face to such an interesting personality’’ and lo and behold, nude pictures. I had successfully tricked myself into watching porn. I know my own mind and how it attempts to trick me into walking back into my comfort zone.
Values congruent: ditto I consider this trait to be in line with the values of responsibility and integrity in my work. I view it as being thorough.


They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior. Note: I’m more or less emotionally hung up on my past behavior, in that I regret it. I’m trying to learn new behavior and my heart is in it, but a part of learning the new behavior is so I can control the past behavior from re-appearing. In that way, I’m not sure what values I am violating or upholding, but If I had to take a stab in the dark, I’d say I’m making an emotional decision in fearing and dwelling on my old behavior, and therefore acting against the value of making sober decisions.

"on again" is most frequently triggered by their own guilt and shame for returning to the behaviors, rather than being caught engaging in such behavior. Value congruent: responsibility. I think that feeling guilty for returning to a self-destructive behavior is a sign of taking personal responsibility for the behavior. I don’t feel shame on someone else’s behalf, but on my own behalf. I did this to myself, and the consequences are feeling bad for acting against my own best interest.
They tend to see life in episodes — with beginnings and endings — rather than as a process. This one is a bit value neutral. I can’t see it being in line or out of line.
They often experience extreme emotions in relation to acting out — extreme guilt, extreme shame, depression, anger, hatred. Or, they experience very mild emotions — when it has become a pattern that they have resolved to accept as a part of their lives. Values incongruent: Stoicism. Letting relapse rule my inner life so much is just weak. ‘’It happened, I get on with it’’ should be my modus operandi if such an occasion should occur.

They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.
This one is also a bit value neutral, but if I could give another stab at the dark, I’d say it’s a symptom of being conscientious, thus I’d file it under ‘’integrity in my work’’ as value congruent


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:14 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
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Lesson 13:
• In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
Value congruent: honesty-with self
• In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
Value incongruent: unstoic
• In early recovery, they often "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.
• Used to do this, value incongruent, lack of decisiveness.
• In early recovery, they tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves. To see "how far they have come". This is a behavior that is often witnessed in adolescent wound care — where the adolescent almost compulsively tears open their bandages to "check the wounds". Of course, just like with addiction, such behavior is often problematic — as it opens the individual up to additional infection. But it is a behavior that provides comfort to the adolescent — no matter what stage of healing the wound may be in.
Value neutral
• In early recovery, these individuals may be all across the board in terms of treatment, and may display many similar traits as to those in the "Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle With Relapse" category above.
• In early recovery, they perceive "powerlessness" as "helplessness" and "desperation".
Value incongruent: unstoic
• They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
Value congruent: decisive
• They recognize failure as a learning experience — but only when that failure occurs with on-the-spot sincerity, as opposed to pre-planned deception.
Value congruent: desire for self-improvement
• Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
Ditto above
• They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
Value congruent: letting go of what’s irrelevant, i.e. the past
• Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
Value congruent: Honesty with self
• They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
• This one was an ice breaker. I used to want to quit because of the health consequences, so I would always have a desire to go back because I thought I could ‘’get away with it’’ i.e. be part of the group that experiences little or no health consequences. Now I want to quit because I feel humiliated to be enslaved by a dangerous compulsion.
Value congruent with self-respect
• They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".
• I realized I have a new value just now ‘’Seeing myself as separate from other people. Being free of pretensions of specialness.’’
• They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
Value congruent: responsibility, decisiveness

I haven’t gotten to late recovery yet, therefore I don’t have anything to report or identify with.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 76
1. Did I whine, winge or otherwise complain about something to get my jollies? Blank
-Did I dwell on bad situations or thoughts? no
2. Did I let someone walk all over me? Blank
3. Was I negligent in my work?
Was I putting in hard graft or going through the motions? Yes
4. Did I have my fill of right action today? No
5. Did I witness interesting art today? no
6. Did I take charge of my emotions today? blank
7. Did I jump into a task or did I procrastinate for everything? blank
8. Was I warm and chipper or was I glum and cold? blank
9. Was I waiting in line for my turn to speak or was I attentive when in conversation? attentive
10. Did I engage in compulsive behavior? no

2/10

This is an example of my initial daily monitoring list. I realize as I'm posting this that I framed many of the values in a negative way. For example: ''Did I let someone walk all over me?'' would be better reframed as ''Did I hold my ground today?''
Many of the ''or'' type questions could be done away with all together, ex.''Was I waiting in line for my turn to speak or was I attentive when in conversation?'' could be shortened to simply: ''Was I attentive in conversation?''
Blank means that I simply wasn't confronted with the situation in question. Putting blank in ''Was I waiting in line for my turn to speak or was I attentive when in conversation?'' would mean that I didn't speak to anyone that day and thus, the question was irrelevant

This is how the list looks like now
Note number 3, right action. This is basically the action plan for self improvement. Any activity I deem to be unrelated to my work, but still useful to me is put here, ex. guitar, watching a movie, working out, reading, socializing, improving my craft, etc.
1. Did I hold my ground? Blank
2. Was I concientious in my work? Blank
3. Did I have my fill of right action today? Yes
Addiction, social, act. prep, movie
4. Did I witness interesting art today? Yes
5. Was I sociable? Yes
Was I attentive when in conversation? Yes
6. Did I overcome my urge to procrastinate? Yes
7. Rational decisions today? Yes
8. Have I made steps in improving your emotional baseline today? (slowing down thoughts and rhythm, becoming present, appreciating how far you’ve come?) yes
9. Did I take charge of my compulsive impulses? Yes
Grade: 12


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 76
1. Did I whine, winge or otherwise complain about something to get my jollies? Blank
-Did I dwell on bad situations or thoughts? no
2. Did I let someone walk all over me? Blank
3. Was I negligent in my work?
Was I putting in hard graft or going through the motions? Yes
4. Did I have my fill of right action today? No
5. Did I witness interesting art today? no
6. Did I take charge of my emotions today? blank
7. Did I jump into a task or did I procrastinate for everything? blank
8. Was I warm and chipper or was I glum and cold? blank
9. Was I waiting in line for my turn to speak or was I attentive when in conversation? attentive
10. Did I engage in compulsive behavior? no

2/10

This is an example of my initial daily monitoring list. I realize as I'm posting this that I framed many of the values in a negative way. For example: ''Did I let someone walk all over me?'' would be better reframed as ''Did I hold my ground today?''
Many of the ''or'' type questions could be done away with all together, ex.''Was I waiting in line for my turn to speak or was I attentive when in conversation?'' could be shortened to simply: ''Was I attentive in conversation?''
Blank means that I simply wasn't confronted with the situation in question. Putting blank in ''Was I waiting in line for my turn to speak or was I attentive when in conversation?'' would mean that I didn't speak to anyone that day and thus, the question was irrelevant

This is how the list looks like now
Note number 3, right action. This is basically the action plan for self improvement. Any activity I deem to be unrelated to my work, but still useful to me is put here, ex. guitar, watching a movie, working out, reading, socializing, improving my craft, etc.
1. Did I hold my ground? Blank
2. Was I concientious in my work? Blank
3. Did I have my fill of right action today? Yes
Addiction, social
4. Did I witness interesting art today? Yes
5. Was I sociable? Yes
Was I attentive when in conversation? Yes
6. Did I overcome my urge to procrastinate? Yes
7. Rational decisions today? Yes
8. Have I made steps in improving your emotional baseline today? (slowing down thoughts and rhythm, becoming present, appreciating how far you’ve come?) yes
9. Did I take charge of my compulsive impulses? Yes
Grade: 9


Last edited by Felix Nai on Sat Jul 14, 2018 3:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:05 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 76
Lesson 15
Why did I start?
I started via early introduction to what sex is, fascination with it and early, accidental, compulsive masturbation. It felt good, I didn’t see though I suspected and feared negative consequences, so I kept going. I was introduced to porn, escalation ensued. I got introduced to prostitutes through the internet, they were convenient and I loved the confidence boost of guaranteed lays.
Why do I continue?
I had low self-esteem and no sexual outlet because I was and continue to be deficient in social skills. Prostitutes offer premium fantasy-of-sexual-normalcy and porn is the discount version.
What have I learned?
I learned what my values are, what my priorities are, what the importance of values is when it comes to living a fulfilling life, I made improvements to my daily monitoring (something I established previously, before starting the workshop). I found out that my failures weren’t due to anything inherent in myself. They happened because I lacked a certain skillset that I didn’t even know existed or thought was unimportant in the context of getting rid of addiction.


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