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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 3:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Compulsive ritual:
1. Exposure to fantasy generating content (media, pictures, advertisement, etc.)
2. Initial formation of fantasy
3. Days/hours later fantasy progresses unaddressed/ poorly addressed
4. Begin to wish for visual aid to fantasy
5. Value incongruence
6. Temptation to continue or elaborate on fantasy
7. Masturbate while developing fantasy
8. Fantasy becomes more entrenched
9. Decide that since I only masturbated I’m ‘’ok’’
10. Masturbate again, further elaboration
11. Process might repeat itself many times over
12. Pressure to use visual aid (porn) increases
13. Decide to PMO
14. Disappointment from unrealistic expectations of the benefits of the visual aid
15. Search for novel content
16. Discovery of novel content
17. Climax
18. Guilt
19. Shower


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 8:04 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3793
Location: UK
Hello again FN
some 5 weeks or so ago you wrote
Quote:
For the past 2 weeks or so (I've honestly lost track) I've been in a vicious cycle of recovery-relapse. I've totally lost the plot and my commitment to my values where my addiction is concerned


concluding that you had "lost" because
Quote:
my recovery has become passive, I lost my passion and commitment


As we have seen in some recent posts this is a very common occurrence and can easily be justified in addiction but the reality is that all it is, is an excuse

since then you wrote
Quote:
Giving in to my urges is a choice and it is entirely manageable, if I fail in managing my urges, it is through neglect, laziness and non-commitment


let that simple statement become a cornerstone of the foundation of your recovery

You know what to do
you appear to be doing it :g:
but do be aware of complacency

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 26
Specific ritual mapping, prostitution:
1. Embarrassment from not having had sex in a while and loneliness reminded me that I could procure a prostitute
2. Went online, had a very specific criteria in mind: she had to be 18
3. Searched and sampled my options even outside my city, fantasized about what each of them would be like
4. Masturbate to bring the fantasy into focus more vividly
5. Paid special attention to what services the girls provided. The thought of a girl who was only 18 doing depraved and unusual things for the entertainment of strange men exited me
6. Made the phonecall and took special care to sound cool and collected even though I was nervous
7. Shaved, groomed and put on some nice close. Fantasies about being desirable to her, sophisticated
8. Anticipation of what she would be like
9. Meet and greet, small talk. Attempt to build a rappor.
10. Start to undress her and engage in foreplay in a slow, teasing manner
11. Performed oral sex on her for an extended period of time, obsessed with getting it just right, desirability fantasies
12. Have intercourse, be aggressive
13. Orgasm
14. Bask in the afterglow as I travel back home


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:56 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Thanks for the heads up.
Be well, Coach. :w:


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 28:
1. Exposure no novel stimulus
2. Fantasy based on novel stimulus continues to plague me for several days
3. Rationalize and negotiate safe ‘’peeking’’ that doesn’t involve actually seeing explicit content
4. Breach negotiated boundaries
5. Begin to masturbate
6. Enter database of various fetish specific web spaces
7. Browse and make note of the best ones
8. Narrow choices
9. Narrow down to a single picture
10. Climax
If I were to try and extract the maximum stimulation the ritual would look like this:
1. Exposure no novel stimulus
2. Fantasize about stimulus until fantasy can only be elaborated with visual aid
3. Drink moderate amount of liquor to assist in blurring of acceptable sexual boundries
4. Locate proper visual aid
5. Begin to masturbate
6. Enter database of various fetish specific web spaces
7. Browse and make note of the best ones
8. Edge for half an hour
9. Narrow choices
10. Look for maximum shock and novelty
11. Choose single one
12. Lower blood circulation with the help of a belt around my neck
13. Climax


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2018 10:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 28:
1. Exposure no novel stimulus
2. Fantasy based on novel stimulus continues to plague me for several days
3. Rationalize and negotiate safe ‘’peeking’’ that doesn’t involve actually seeing explicit content
4. Breach negotiated boundaries
5. Begin to masturbate
6. Enter database of various fetish specific web spaces
7. Browse and make note of the best ones
8. Narrow choices
9. Narrow down to a single picture
10. Climax
If I were to try and extract the maximum stimulation the ritual would look like this:
1. Exposure no novel stimulus
2. Fantasize about stimulus until fantasy can only be elaborated with visual aid
3. Drink moderate amount of liquor to assist in blurring of acceptable sexual boundries
4. Locate proper visual aid
5. Begin to masturbate
6. Enter database of various fetish specific web spaces
7. Browse and make note of the best ones
8. Edge for half an hour
9. Narrow choices
10. Look for maximum shock and novelty
11. Choose single one
12. Lower blood circulation with the help of a belt around my neck
13. Climax


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2018 4:11 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 31:
Identifiable stressors:
Shoulder pain=mild
Time management worries=moderate
Isolation=mild

Value related energy spent:
Work integrity=moderate
Self improvement=mild
Art appreciation=moderate
Social interactions=mild

Meaning and stimulation, derived:
The majority of meaning and stimulation I’ve derived has been from binging on entertainment. I should rectify this immediately and start doing daily monitoring again for a while.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 9:21 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 292
FN,
A powerful nugget here:
Quote:
The majority of meaning and stimulation I’ve derived has been from binging on entertainment.

This is, for many, a core driver for many addicts' decisions.
Quote:
I should rectify this immediately

I'm getting hung up on the word "should". No one is telling you what you should do. When we say "should" it makes it seem like a chore... FN, you could, but do you WANT to? Don't answer that. Just chew on it.
Quote:
and start doing daily monitoring again for a while.

A great idea.

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:13 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 32:

I've reviewed my proactive action plan and I'm pleasantly surprised that I've been following it quite well, except for the reading list bit. It would be good if I where to read more.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 9:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 33
Insights I’ve garnered: I’ve always though of myself as argumentative, but I find that I don’t enjoy confrontation for it’s own sake at all
I’m much more capable of being spontaneous then I though
I’ve developed the ability to be very honest about my motivations. In the past things like seeking out stimulating material could be excused by ‘’curiosity’’ or imaginary definitions of what really counts as stimulating.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 6:40 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 33
End of week assessment

Honestly, this exercise has been frustrating and somewhat difficult to me. I've extracted insight, sure, but I find that I've consistently done less then 5 emotional events per day. The frustrating part is that I can't just sit down and do and emotional assessment, because for the majority of the time my emotional state could not be considered an event and when it can, often times I forget to assess it and focus simply on returning to by baseline so I can get back to whatever task I had been doing. I guess that the habit of assessing every emotional event is something I just do for the sake of calming myself down, but extracting a lasting lesson from the event is something I'm not accustomed to.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 7:05 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Lesson 35
My agenda for the next 7 days: seek out active opportunities to be decisive in my actions and in how I approach my tasks.

I will post 2 self evaluations on the 1st of next year, possibly the 2nd depending on travel.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:14 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Addendum: I predict the holidays as well as my mounting libido will be a source of stress. I will take this opportunity to recommit myself and remember the reasons I'm on the path to recovery.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2019 5:13 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
I spend week one with decisiveness on my agenda and week 2 with monitoring my emotions. It was a little difficult being productive during the holidays, but I'm back now and I expect to get back into the swing of things very soon.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2019 7:03 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:43 am
Posts: 75
Hello, everyone. I'm still alive and kicking. Here's my revised version of lesson 39.
Beliefs about sexuality:
*Women are just as sexual, if not more so then men
*Women are sexually attracted to stable, confident and competent men
*Masturbation can be healthy, but it can be abused
*Frequent masturbation drains your energy
*Sex is healthy
*Most women prefer to be dominated
*Children understand more about sex then adults are comfortable with
*I’m afraid I’ll eventually get bored of the sex in a long term relationship
*If I’m no longer interested in my partner, I should tell her so
*If my partner cheats on me, I’d break up with her on the spot
*I want to be sexually desirable to women
*Pornography is entirely addictive and destructive
*Procuring prostitutes is addictive and progressively hampers one’s ability to have real intimate relationships
*Sex vitalizes you
*Sex is validation
*Voyeurism is humiliating
*If I’m not taking the lead the context of sex, my partner will get bored of me
*Obsessing with performance is counter productive
*Quiet and demure girls attract me greatly.
*I’m attractive, but my introversion and my self-consciousness often sabotage my chances of romantic or sexual fulfillment
*I’m insecure about my ability to attract women
*16 is old enough to have sexual agency
*I feel like my peers are all more fulfilled in their sex lives
*I’m sometimes afraid that I was sexualized too early and my sexually compulsive behavior is too deeply ingrained to be ‘’fixed’’ completely
*I’m afraid of starting a relationship in my close social circle, because if something goes wrong, I’ll still have to see that person
*Gay sex is disgusting
*A man should have notches on his bedpost before settling down in a relationship
*Cuckoldry is pathetic
*Prostitutes make me feel uninhibited and charming
*Prostitutes help fill the void in my sex life
*I don’t want to be celibate
*Some people are too damaged to have functional sexual and romantic lives
*Pegging is submissive and disgusting
*Handjobs are highly sensual
*Most of my sexual fetishes are the result of porn viewing
*I like being tender and attentive in the context of sex
*I should be rough and domineering in sex
*Sex is about making an emotional connection
*Sex is about anticipation
*Sex is about power
*Pity sex is disgusting and pathetic
*If a man lets himself be dominated in bed too much, his partner will lose respect for him
*Anal sex is overhyped
*Sometimes I like to dominate my partner
*I want to explore and experiment with my sexuality
*If she doesn’t orgasm, I didn’t do a good enough job
*If she doesn’t orgasm, she might harbor shame about enjoying sex and I should help her work through it
*Sex with a prostitute isn’t real sex, it’s sexual play-acting
*All porn is voyeuristic in nature
*Women are more perverse then men
*Women pretend to be prudish to keep up appearances
*Every part of the female form is enticing and sexy
*Stripping is exiting
*If a woman holds her eyes on me for 3 seconds or more, she fancies me
*If a woman starts asking me about myself, she fancies me
*If a woman lets me touch her and doesn’t resist, she likes it
*If a woman dresses in revealing clothing and dolls herself up with make-up, she’s hoping an attractive man will take notice and chat her up
*People have a different set of boundaries for people their attracted to versus people they aren’t attracted to
*People use sex to exploit each other all the time
*Some of the most pleasant and intelligent women I’ve met are prostitutes
*Some prostitutes are very damaged people
*Sex can be good even if no one has an orgasm
*Porn stars have fucked up childhoods in many cases
*Kissing is the most emotional part of sex
*If a woman kisses me- she’d have sex with me if given the chance
*Sexual tastes can be modified via Pavlovian conditioning, hence porn induced fetishes
*Sometimes a girl turns you down for sex not because she’s not attracted to you, but for external reasons (friends nearby, gossip, religion, societal norms)
*Sexual repression causes people to act out in unhealthy ways
*Honesty is sexy (unless you’re honestly a loser)
*If a woman has a behavior disorder, or you suspect she does, don’t sleep with her (also known as don’t stick your dick in crazy)
*People who are the most uncomfortable with sexual topics are the most perverse
*People who go on the most about sex are insecure about the amount of sex they’re having
*Beautiful girls are often haughty
*I could be very charming if I put more effort in
*I like hair pulling
*Most of the prostitutes I’ve slept with were within my ‘’league’’.
*I’m a good lay
*Men are more concerned with physical attractiveness then women
*Most women prefer older men
*Most men prefer younger women
*If a person has been highly promiscuous in the past, the chance they’ll cheat is higher
*Everyone wants to sleep with people of a different race at least once
*Cannabis doesn’t mix with sex for me
*I enjoy receiving oral sex
*I enjoy giving oral sex
*Sex with prostitutes is unsatisfying
*Porn is like a drug
*Condoms are a pain in the ass (or penis as it were), but necessary
*I like switching positions
*Channeling your sexual frustration is a vital skill
*I can successfully enforce my sexual boundaries with people
*Violating ones sexual boundaries is wrong
*Selecting prostitutes excites me
*I still get nervous before sex
*People use drinking to avoid taking responsibility for sex
*If you’re sober enough to walk in a straight line, you’re sober enough to consent to sex
*If you sexually impose yourself on someone while drunk, you’re still responsible for that
*Female sexual predators exist, and most people pretend they don’t
*Cheating is a big deal
*I like petite girls
*I like girls who work out

Note to reader: any mentions of a partner are in the context of the hypothetical as of the completion of this lesson, as I am barrenly single 
Ending:
I’ll engage in sexual activity only because I want to, not because I have to, in order to manage my emotions
I will explore what my actual sexual tastes and desires are, independent of what porn has drilled me to like
I will not hold beliefs about my attractiveness and sexual worth that are self-defeating and draining to my self-esteem
I will improve myself and my value to the point that finding sex will become easy and fun as opposed to a chore
I will not engage in sexual behavior that is self-destructive (sex-destructive? lol)
I will be responsive to my partner’s needs and their emotional well-being
I will not allow myself to be exploited through sex
Beginning
*Women are just as sexual, if not more so then men
*Women are sexually attracted to stable, confident and competent men
*Masturbation can be healthy, but it can be abused
*Frequent masturbation drains your energy
*Sex is healthy
*Most women prefer to be dominated
*If I’m no longer interested in my partner, I should tell her so
*If my partner cheats on me, I’d break up with her on the spot
*I want to be sexually desirable to women
*Pornography is entirely addictive and destructive
*Procuring prostitutes is addictive and progressively hampers one’s ability to have real intimate relationships
*Sex vitalizes you
*Voyeurism is humiliating
*If I’m not taking the lead the context of sex, my partner will get bored of me
*Obsessing with performance is counter productive
*Quiet and demure girls attract me greatly.
*I have the potential to be very attractive
*16 is old enough to have sexual agency
*I feel like my peers are all more fulfilled in their sex lives
*I’m sometimes afraid that I was sexualized too early and my sexually compulsive behavior is too deeply ingrained to be ‘’fixed’’ completely
*I’m afraid of starting a relationship in my close social circle, because if something goes wrong, I’ll still have to see that person
*Gay sex is disgusting
*A man should have notches on his bedpost before settling down in a relationship
*Cuckoldry is pathetic
*Prostitutes make me feel uninhibited and charming
*Prostitutes help fill the void in my sex life
*I don’t want to be celibate
*Some people are too damaged to have functional sexual and romantic lives
*Pegging is submissive and disgusting
*Handjobs are highly sensual
*Most of my sexual fetishes are the result of porn viewing
*I like being tender and attentive in the context of sex
*I should be rough and domineering in sex
*Sex is about making an emotional connection
*Sex is about anticipation
*Sex is about power
*Pity sex is disgusting and pathetic
*If a man lets himself be dominated in bed too much, his partner will lose respect for him
*Sometimes I like to dominate my partner
*I want to explore and experiment with my sexuality
*If she doesn’t orgasm, I didn’t do a good enough job
*If she doesn’t orgasm, she might harbor shame about enjoying sex and I should help her work through it
*Sex with a prostitute isn’t real sex, it’s sexual play-acting
*All porn is voyeuristic in nature
*Women are more perverse then men
*Women pretend to be prudish to keep up appearances
*Every part of the female form is enticing and sexy
*Stripping is exiting
*If a woman holds her eyes on me for 3 seconds or more, she fancies me
*If a woman starts asking me about myself, she fancies me
*If a woman lets me touch her and doesn’t resist, she likes it
*If a woman dresses in revealing clothing and dolls herself up with make-up, she’s hoping an attractive man will take notice and chat her up
*People have a different set of boundaries for people their attracted to versus people they aren’t attracted to
*People use sex to exploit each other all the time
*Some of the most pleasant and intelligent women I’ve met are prostitutes
*Some prostitutes are very damaged people
*Sex can be good even if no one has an orgasm
*Porn stars have fucked up childhoods in many cases
*Kissing is the most emotional part of sex
*If a woman kisses me- she’d have sex with me if given the chance
*Sexual tastes can be modified via Pavlovian conditioning, hence porn induced fetishes
*Sometimes a girl turns you down for sex not because she’s not attracted to you, but for external reasons (friends nearby, gossip, religion, societal norms)
*Sexual repression causes people to act out in unhealthy ways
*Honesty is sexy (unless you’re honestly a loser)
*If a woman has a behavior disorder, or you suspect she does, don’t sleep with her (also known as don’t stick your dick in crazy)
*People who are the most uncomfortable with sexual topics are the most perverse
*People who go on the most about sex are insecure about the amount of sex they’re having
*Beautiful girls are often haughty
*I could be very charming if I put more effort in
*I like hair pulling
*Most of the prostitutes I’ve slept with were within my ‘’league’’.
*I’m a good lay
*Men are more concerned with physical attractiveness then women
*Most women prefer older men
*Most men prefer younger women
*If a person has been highly promiscuous in the past, the chance they’ll cheat is higher
*Everyone wants to sleep with people of a different race at least once
*Cannabis doesn’t mix with sex for me
*I enjoy receiving oral sex
*I enjoy giving oral sex
*Sex with prostitutes is unsatisfying
*Porn is like a drug
*Condoms are a pain in the ass (or penis as it were), but necessary
*I like switching positions
*Channeling your sexual frustration is a vital skill
*I can successfully enforce my sexual boundaries with people
*Violating ones sexual boundaries is wrong
*Selecting prostitutes excites me
*I still get nervous before sex
*People use drinking to avoid taking responsibility for sex
*If you’re sober enough to walk in a straight line, you’re sober enough to consent to sex
*If you sexually impose yourself on someone while drunk, you’re still responsible for that
*Female sexual predators exist, and most people pretend they don’t
*Cheating is a big deal
*I like petite girls
*I like girls who work out
Existing vulnerabilities:

Baggage (past), low self-esteem, boredom, complacency, sexual frustration
Selected value for development: Porn is entirely addictive and destructive
Selecting boundaries for this value:
I will not intentionally seek out material with the purpose of sexually arousing myself
I will employ a personal action plan when encountering urges
I will not engage in erotic fantasy that involves fetishes I know to be acquired through porn viewing
I will live my life in a way that serves my values and creates life satisfaction
I will look for opportunities to resist immediate gratification in general


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