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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:08 pm 
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To really understand yourself, you really need to love and accept yourself.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:37 pm 
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Lesson 1: why do I want permanent change

For a couple of years now, I'm more surviving than really living. I might have some mental issues that make living a little more difficult, but I'm also escaping life as it presents to me, or I'm hiding for it or I take no initiative to live life at its fullest. I did enjoy life and regard it as an adventure during some periods in my past when I was way younger. I also regularly wished life had been different, or that I had made better choices or ... (a bunch of excuses really).
This can not go on, my addiction results in a lot of waste of time. And I feel bad about it ( the waste of time), and it results sometimes in financial hardship because I don't have the energy to do what needs to be done. My addiction takes away my motivation and initiative to do something else, something more productive. Something I can be proud of. I'm at a place where either I change dramatically (with little steps? day bey day) or live becomes a complete missed/wasted exercise.
My addiction does not bring me forward, it prohibits a lot of desired behaviors.
I wan to change my life because I want a more positive perspective, such as:
- more friends, company, partner. This will involve getting out
- make money, real money. This will involve time and dedication, and sleep.
- work on my projects/goals, really work on them beyond the planning stage
- clean-up and organize my life minimally an keep it that way
- commit to my goals and my life
- be happier
- be busy like I was years ago, with a purpose (having a purpose would be nice)
- getting rid of laziness, boredom, etc.
- feeling the : today was a good day, I did a lot of work
- positively contribute to society and community and organisations
- feel good about myself, emotional physical financial etc.
- be positive and proud about myself, for what I am and what I do
- being less stressed and being able to relax naturally


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:19 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hello Cedieke
and welcome to RN
this post should be in your personal recovery thread as one continuous thread
that way it makes it easy for you to refer back and you should refer back as you go
it also makes it easier for Mentors and coaches to drop by with comment and advice etc
to achieve this hit the reply key not the new topic key when posting

Quote:
My addiction takes away my motivation and initiative to do something else, something more productive. Something I can be proud of. I'm at a place where either I change dramatically (with little steps? day bey day) or live becomes a complete missed/wasted exercise.

true, great and honest admission, however remember that your addiction is not seperate from you it is part of your life because you choose to allow it to be
you can and hopefully will change that choice

if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: lesson 2: Vision
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:58 pm 
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If I envision my future, I want a kind of short term and long term goal in front of me, It is really difficult and scary to seem myself in 10 year (retirement age), but I can not escape it. Just as sickness, old age and death are the sureties of life. But it have this unique occasion to bring my life in order and do something I can be proud of.
I want to enjoy life to its fullest again, and that include a good health, good finances, good meditation, good friends, etc. This may be a lot, but for a long time now (2 years) I try to set goals to come closer to this vision. I even have vision board. I think If I can realize these goals below and I try to see me realizing and doing them, it looks like a fulfilling life. But it is hard to commit daily, but do I have another choice.
So my vision is to commit to the following practices, starting with my first steps
- Meditate (the path to happiness (mental)): 30 min a day + Thursday evening and Sunday morning in the zen center: End my day with awareness
- Fitness ( the path to physical happiness): 45 min a day strength training during weekdays, aerobic exercises in the weekend, first thing in the morning (4 am), start my day with energy.
- Market ( the path to financial happiness and independence): 5:30-8:30 am and later maybe more, this should become my main job.
- Get out ( the path to social happiness (and sexual?). One way or another I need to meet people, make friends, etc. This is a difficult and scary thing: Every weekend at least one afternoon out of the house.
- Write ( the path to an alternative source of income) : Writing down is also therapeutic, maybe the whole process can be written down in a blog. This would fulfill my teaching horoscope (don’t ask)

I do see myself travelling, teaching/working at the Zen center, and so much more. But I want to start with the things above, and not so much dream about a future that may not be. Establishing a practice first.


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 Post subject: lesson 3: values
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:48 pm 
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Values as the engine of my life, that is a new thought indeed. I also didn’t see buying a house or writing a book as a value, but persistence and responsibility are, combining them does make sense though, it is like vision and values come together to something practical.
I really love the universal values, It looks like a lot of my visions and goals fit right in there.

Spiritual growth
Knowledge growth
Commitment to the path
Spirituality in all aspects of life
Being compassionate
Wisdom growth, being wisdom
Awareness, mindfulness, being the moment

Financial independence, work for it
Financial save for the old age, work for it
House owning: work save to be able to buy one
Travel, see the world: work on the physical and financial aspects

Health physical habits, just for feeling good in once body
Healthy physical habits, because my body is my temple
Healthy physical habits, because I look better
Healthy eating habits
Healthy moving, fitness habits

Work on the market to improve my fin situation
Work on the book to improve my fin situation
Work on the book because I have something to tell

Hard work, hard play, Because fun/pleasure/ecstasy/euphoria is important also

Curiosity, adventure, open to new (exciting, scary) things

Being comfortable around people

Emotional intimacy, as loneliness kills me adn others
Sexual intimacy
Being dedicated and committed to my goals
Being a person of my word
Being compassionate
Being integer
Being adventurous
Being playful
Being humorous
Love and being loved
Being forgiving and tolerant
Being validated and respected
Having better social contacts
Feeling good in my skin (physical)
Feeling good in my skin (emotional. mental)
Guiding, teaching
Travel
Write that book
Feeling sexual secure
Giving back , charity

Dark side
Living in the ideal dream world, like alice in wonderland
Pleasure is the goal in life, if you can do it without to many effort, go for it
I’m a failure anyway, so why bother with even trying
Envy and anger ( not a value, but its always the others fault)
No belief in self nor universe, nihilism
Life is the time between birth and dead, why bother if there is nothing else


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 11:17 am 
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I have difficulties to really see what value the most, but I can put my goals forward, what I think I need to do. I think these will at least give important value in my life, and I summarized them below, in a kind of order of importance. But I will give myself an exercise to use the prioritize and make practical the universal values. They do appeal to me, I hope it gives me more help with selecting what I really value.

- Building and maintaining a good physical health and good healthy habits, which includes physical activities and good eating habits
- Building and growing physical independence including working on alternative income resources, such as stock market, writing, online business
- Building and growing my spiritual path through regular practice acquire more compassion, more wisdom, less egoistic tendencies: To discover and awaken to my true self.
- Building and maintaining friendship, relationships, meet people, love people, be loved by people
- Building and maintaining intimacy: emotional, physical, sexua. Love and being loved
- Life is a once in a lifetime adventure, appreciate and enjoy that unique gift, explore, travel, have fun
- Writing that book, teach, give back, care ….


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 Post subject: lesson 5 congruence
PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 12:21 pm 
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I went through the universal values and I can mostly find myself an my values into it,
Building a good physical health is important. It really was not important ever before, but at my age it is really becoming a priority. I see it as a foundation of a lot of other values and values not mentioned.
Building financial security is a second important thing. In the time I made better money, I was feeling a lot more free, maybe because I could afford a lot more. Now I’m more scared about the future. Not having a financial foundation is not a good thing.
Building a spiritual path, I’ve been busy with this for many decades. But it is rebuilding regularly, the buddhist, zen path is simple, but it is not an easy one.
I forgot to mention my mental health, this is a very important one for me also, but having physical health, spiritual health, financial health will surely also help with my mental health.
The introduction was pointing at sexual health. And yes, it is important to me. Now i feel social and sexual insecure, but that are values that giving my life a lot of value. I really need to work on that. Am I wrong to think that when I feel better in my body, feeling more proud of my body, I might feel more safe and prone to take initiative in that direction.
The rest of my values are also important, but maybe not on the highest of priority list, except maybe the writing ( that one book, that blog, etc.)


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 1:01 pm 
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I do not believe in higher power, so I was not feeling comfortable in the traditional recovery programs, So happy I found this one
Yes, I want to manage my life. I have my goals and plans in place, but I have difficulties to stick to them.
I just copy the plans I have already and try to stick to here
1) Physical ( action plan ready)
a)Gym 4am-5am in week days
b)Gym in the weekend ( no time set yet)
c)Health plant based diet to lose weight/ to gain muscle
d)Sleep 8:00 pm to get enough rest

2)Financial (action plan ready)
a)Market 5:30-8:30 in week days
b)Market in the weekend study ( not time set)
c)Book outline and basis writings ready ( needs to be edited heavily)

3)Spiritual (action plan ready)
a)Zen Center Thursday evening ( try to be early to socialize)
b)Zen center Sunday morning ( try to be early to socialize)
c)Meditation 30 min a day 7:00-7:30

4)Relational (action plan in progress)
a)Saturday and/or Sunday afternoons go out


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 5:05 pm 
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a) Relational:
-Meeting new people: getting out
Birdcage coffeeshop (once a month minimal sunday/saturday)
Musea (Once a month minimal sunday/saturday)
Go To coffeeshop in the evening, work on book
Check meet-up, go to a meeting (scary)
Go to gay pub (once a month on deload/strength week)
Be a regular at the Gym
-Partner (not for direct)
All of the above
Dating websites

b)Writing:
Weekends and evenings
Got to coffeeshop and work on it ( see above)

c)Travelling
Now financially difficult
Welk resorts

d)Order in the house and life
Clean-up ( in progress on weekends, the 200 tasks)

e)Getting out of the house/ be adventurous
Go into the mountains, have a walk, camp (like in the past)
At least once a month ( strength/deload weeks)
Visit musea, outdoor activities, etc

f) Being proud of myself
All of the above.
Change the mental attitude
Re-evaluate what is bothering, withholding me/ honest daily journaling

g) getting enough rest
no action plan, but there is a clear relationship with my addiction
This is already a lot of activities


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 Post subject: lesson 10 Honesty
PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:35 pm 
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Posts: 23
I.
I live alone and have not that much relationships, so I mainly lie to myself. Isn’t that self-deception? I may lie to my colleagues about how i feel and surely to my students. But there is nothing that i really hide or conceal nor do I deceive them. I was different in the past, I think my last relationship broke up just because I was emotional not more available. PMO was surely a part of the problem, besides other mental problems.

V.
Box in the big closet with sex toys
Lube, poppers, condoms, cock ring, fleshlight in the upper drawer of little cupboard
Big lube bottle under sink in bathroom
Pot in fridge and freezer

VI.
Internet: I’m a PMO addict.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 5:54 pm 
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“ They will be at a point where they will need to make decisions that will impact the remainder of their life...and they will need to make these decisions based on their desire of how they wish to live the remainder of their life: with stability and health; or with chaos”
Making this choice a 100% is where i will need to work on, I like to make 90% choices, with a way out. However, I can not continue on the present track, it’s not a fulfilling life, nor a life I’m proud of. Thus undermining my self-esteem, thus supporting my addiction.

I do sometimes feel that I’m damaged goods or that i’m never gonna be able to reach my goals and yes I may be inflexible in re-evaluating my goals. However, after the previous exercises, I stand behind my visions and values as I re-evaluated them, but I do wonder if they are reachable.

I do belief that my depression and anxieties make it more difficult to recover, but not impossible

I do believe that I need to make some major decisions, and most of all: stick to them. I do see a healthy future, and I do accept that it will not always be easy. Change habits and behaviors is a kind scary, but what other choice do I have? Continue the unhealthy unfulfilling life or strive to live life at its fullest.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:47 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3635
Location: UK
Hello Ced
Quote:
I do believe that I need to make some major decisions, and most of all: stick to them. Change habits and behaviors is a kind scary, but what other choice do I have? Continue the unhealthy unfulfilling life or strive to live life at its full



a milestone in your journey
:g: well done
lets get those healthy decisions in place, press on

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:41 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:21 pm
Posts: 23
I was a little bit shocked with the short 30 day period in the bottom because I’ve been trying to change things around and having new goals, etc. and I’m not there yet, even after a long period, on the other hand, I never had a clear support or method like here.
If I try to make the decision now to really stick to my plan for more healthy habits, but really decide do whatever is needed to stick to it, not making excuses I get all anxious. However, I need to do it one day, make a decision to stick to the plan below and have the confidence that the rest of the RN plan will guide me further.

So today 8/17/2018 I make the decision to change my life, to live life at it fullest, I will continue the healthy habits I have and create new healthy habits that are in line with my vision and values below are the first radical habits I will create in my life to reach my goals. ( send to myself on futureme.org, as I decide to celebrate the anniversary of this decision next year)

1)Get up at 3:50am and go to the gym
did you wake-up?
Did you get out of bed
Did you take your shake
Did you go straight to the gym ( no stalling)
Did you have a concentrated workout
Did you do the full program
How do you feel about it

2)Work on market 5:30-8:30 am
Did you start on time to prepare
Did you get distracted by other internet activities
Where you focussed on the task at hand
How do you feel about it

3)Reflection/Meditation
Did you stop with internet at 7:00pm?
Did you prepare the next day?
Did you meditate for 30 min

4)Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?

5)Early sleep
Did I go to sleep on time (8:00 pm)
Did I engage in compulsive behavior?
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2018 11:07 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:21 pm
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Did you get up at 3:50am
Did you wake-up?
Did you get out of bed right away?
Did you take your shake?
Did you go to the Gym?
Did you go straight to the gym?
Did you have a concentrated workout?
Did you do the full program?
How do you feel about it?
Did you work on market 5:30-8:30 am
Did you start on time to prepare?
Did you get distracted by other internet activities
Where you focussed on the task at hand?
How do you feel about it?
Did you stop internet at 7:00pm?
Did you do it right away?
Did you prepare next day?
Did you read?
Did you clean your place?
How do you feel about it?
Did you meditate 30 min?
Did you do it right away?
Where you able to focus?
How do you feel about it?
Did you engage in any compulsive behavior today?
If yes? P, PMO, I, ...
If yes, did you maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
Did I follow my diet today?
If yes, was it easy?
If no, was it compulsiv eating?
How do you feel about it?
Did you go to sleep on time (8:00 pm)
if yes, was it easy?
if no, wat it conpulsive behavior?
How do you feel about it?


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2018 3:19 pm 
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Posts: 23
The most important thing so far I learned is that I need to make a clear decision on what I want with the rest of my life. A decision so clear that I also promise myself to stick to his decision. It is the priority in my life and is not negotiable.

I made this promise, and already my mind tries to get out of it and tries to compromise in: maybe not today, but surely tomorrow. This is a recurring trick of my mind to postpone a real clear decision.

I made a clear decision on 8/17 that I will work further with RN to help me with my recovery, but I recognize that i will need outside help. Not only specifically for the recovery but with other issues I have. I made a psychiatric appointment, unfortunately only next month, and I will be active looking for a therapist, maybe start before that.

I further learned that selecting values is a difficult thing for me, Of course I stick to the universal values and other values like compassion and hard work, etc, but bringing them in practice is not easy, especially if you do not make a clear decision to it. I thought that in the past I made clear decisions towards my values and goals and a healthy life, but I also saw it as something that I should do, not as something I want to do. I will need to change this from “have to” to “want to”


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