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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 2:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
I originally put this in the Welcome Center but seems like these go here?

Step 1!

The links in the intro for 'Getting Started in a Health Based Recovery', 'The Recovery Workshop', 'My Recovery Manager' and 'Online Coaching Room' do not work.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 3:28 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
A: Where am I in relation to these keys:
1) Actively committing yourself to change.
I am committed to change. I have promised myself and my wife I will change. We have been going to therapy together and I am actively pursuing this process. I do not want to be that person anymore.
2) Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to shame.
Although the guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming, I don’t currently feel it is an impediment to changing.
3) Allowing myself time to change.
I guess I am trying to understand this one. I am committed to actively doing this program because I want to. I see that it takes time and I am willing to put in that time.

B: Reasons why I seek to permanently change my life:
• I want to have a loving, committed, and fulfilling marriage relationship.
• I want to be honest with my wife.
• I want to be honest with myself.
• I want to be honest with my friends and family.
• I want to live the values that I believe and hold dear.
• I want to be the person my wife believes I can be.
• I want to be the person I know I can be.
• I want to be the person others think I am.
• I want my wife to be justified in the love she continues to show me.
• I want my wife to be justified in her decision to stay together.
• I do not want to participate in behaviors that are self damaging or damaging to others in any way.
• I want to be happy – isn’t that the whole point of life?

C: I have never been a very outwardly emotional person, and I don’t think internally I have ever been very emotional. Not to say I don’t have my highs and lows, sadness and joy, but I think my extremes have always been tempered. Before this whole situation came out, I think I outwardly literally cried once or twice in 20 years. Isn’t that weird?! I don’t want to focus on the past, but I do struggle to understand why I did the things I did. How and why I made those decisions to do things I knew would hurt the person I loved most and potentially cause great harm to my life, reputation, health, etc… My wife is struggling mightily to understand. How could I, who at least on the surface, lived honorably and by a set of mores and ethics, do what I did. What happened in my life, to that child, to lead me there? I hope to get some insight through this process while also recovering.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 7:30 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 361
Hi Venvilles,

Welcome to RN.

This is the right place for you to be posting and you may find the "How to Post in the Forums" thread at the top of the Self-Help Recovery Thread helpful to refer to.

You reasons for joining appear to be sound and are about you and you are at a good place to make that wish a reality.

Whilst you have posted a response to Part c) of Lesson 1 you do not appear to have made mention of looking at a photo of yourself when very young, perhaps you did not have one to hand but I would strongly encourage you to do this as it becomes important as you go through the ensuring lessons.

Commit , fully and completely. Work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand. Coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path.

Good luck and I look forward to monitoring your progress.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 9:13 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
Lesson 2: Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.

The vision for my life is foremost to live by the values that I hold dear. Namely Honesty, Integrity, Compassion, Love, Diligence, Accountability, and Dependability.

To have my marital relationship be the priority in my life. To support my wife and be her partner in all things. To be open, honest, transparent with her. To have a mutually satisfactory intimate relationship with my wife. To actively pursue shared interests and activities that we both enjoy and bring us closer together. To show interest in the things and activities that she enjoys so mutual participation brings us closer together.

To ensure financial stability in my life by being successful and productive in my career; by being responsible with our finances; by planning and saving for our future while still allowing for enjoyment of the present.

To build and maintain meaningful friendships by spending quality time with friends and being a dependable and caring friend back.

To show my family love and support and keeping them a priority in my life.

To enjoy my own interests and activities in a reasonable way and time commitment.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 11:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
Lesson 3: Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from.

1. Living with integrity
2. By being honest
3. Being a good partner to my wife.
4. Being a good brother to my siblings.
5. Being a good son to my parents.
6. Showing appreciation towards others.
7. Showing appreciation towards my wife.
8. Showing love and desire towards my wife.
9. Being loved and desired by my wife.
10. Understanding my wife’s needs and working to fulfill them
11. By having fun with my wife.
12. Having fun with friends.
13. Strengthening my friendships.
14. By continually learning new things, pursuing knowledge.
15. Staying active.
16. Ensuring strong physical health.
17. Being dependable.
18. By maintaining humbleness.
19. Keeping an open mind to new experiences.
20. Showing love towards those important people in my life.
21. Strengthening my emotional maturity.
22. Overcoming personal struggles.
23. Being successful in my career.
24. Appreciating art and music
25. Appreciating history
26. Having a sense of humor and enjoying comedy
27. Being financially stable.
28. Being respected in my professional field.
29. Being respected in my areas of personal interest.
30. Being compassionate towards others.
31. Spending time with my family.
32. Having a nice home.
33. Enjoying my personal interests.
34. Avoiding conflict and drama.
35. Having a sense of accomplishment.
36. Being open minded towards others.

Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.
1. Immediate gratification
2. Selfishness
3. Ignoring the ramifications of my actions
4. Discounting and disrespecting my wife.
5. Not understanding my emotional needs
6. Not communicating
7. Lying to myself and others
8. Being emotionally immature
9. Not being accountable
10. Using myself and others as objects


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 12:33 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
Lesson 4 - Prioritize values list.

I think my list was pretty close to being prioritized as I came up with it.
1. Living with integrity
2. By being honest
3. Being a good partner to my wife.
4. Being a good brother to my siblings.
5. Being a good son to my parents.
6. Showing appreciation towards others.
7. Showing appreciation towards my wife.
8. Showing love and desire towards my wife.
9. Being loved and desired by my wife.
10. Understanding my wife’s needs and working to fulfill them
11. By having fun with my wife.
12. Showing love towards those important people in my life.
13. By continually learning new things, pursuing knowledge.
14. Being dependable.
15. Being financially stable.
16. Being successful in my career.
17. Having fun with friends.
18. Having a nice home.
19. Strengthening my friendships.
20. Staying active.
21. Ensuring strong physical health.
22. By maintaining humbleness.
23. Keeping an open mind to new experiences.
24. Strengthening my emotional maturity.
25. Overcoming personal struggles.
26. Appreciating art and music
27. Appreciating history
28. Having a sense of humor and enjoying comedy
29. Being respected in my professional field.
30. Being respected in my areas of personal interest.
31. Being compassionate towards others.
32. Spending time with my family.
33. Enjoying my personal interests.
34. Avoiding conflict and drama.
35. Having a sense of accomplishment.
36. Being open minded towards others.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 3:54 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
Lesson 5: Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.

1. Living with integrity
2. By being honest
3. Being a good partner to my wife.
4. Showing love and desire towards my wife.
5. Being loved and desired by my wife.
6. By having fun with my wife.
7. Showing love towards those important people in my life.
8. By continually learning new things, pursuing knowledge.
9. Being financially stable.
10. Being successful in my career.
11. Having fun with friends.
12. Staying active.
13. Overcoming personal struggles.
14. Having a sense of accomplishment.
15. Enjoying my personal interests.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:06 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:10 am
Posts: 8
I got away from doing these Recovery Nation exercises - I found SAA and have been attending their meetings as well as seeing a therapist who understands sex addiction. She said I should still do these exercises - "do it all". So I am back...

Lesson 6 Exercise:
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.
Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).

I hope I am not oversimplifying these...

Showing love towards those important people in my life.
Call my parents once a week to check in and see how they are
Visit my parents at least once every two months
Call each of my siblings once a month to see how they are doing
Text each of my siblings weekly
Call my family members on their birthdays
Talk to friend 1 and friend 2 at least once a month
By continually learning new things, pursuing knowledge.
Read at least one book a month
Attend webinars / seminars for work related topics at least monthly
Read the news regularly[/list][/list]


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:40 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 361
Hi Venville, welcome back.

Quote:
I got away from doing these Recovery Nation exercises - I found SAA and have been attending their meetings as well as seeing a therapist who understands sex addiction. She said I should still do these exercises - "do it all". So I am back…

I would agree that the further that you cast the net with your recovery options the more tools you will have to help you along your way. As time goes on you may find one route may provide you with more support than the other but for now I can certainly see the value of you receiving different perspectives from each which you may find helpful.

I look forward to following your continued progress on RN.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:53 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3767
Location: UK
Hello
I agree with L2R my philosophy is "use every useful tool in the box"
however
Quote:
She said I should still do these exercises - "do it all". So I am back...

I would have preferred to have read that you chose to do these exercises yourself
That said , I believe that in participating in the RN programme and becoming part of its community, you will see and reap the benefits and you will come to realise that recovery is not only the best choice it is the only choice that makes any sense

Welcome and may your stay be long and fruitful

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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