Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Jun 16, 2019 4:04 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 89 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:55 am 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3767
Location: UK
Hi T1112
a couple of months ago L2R wrote

You have not had much in the way of feedback during your journey

As he said , you should take that as a positive

some really good posts from which I hope and believe that you will and are integrating what you are discovering about yourself into your core taking yourself beyond addiction and into a better life
keep it up :g: :g:

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 2:05 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
To Coach Kenzo,

Thank you for the comments, they are appreciated.

I would have to say that I think RN has been a major factor in where I am today with my recovery, the guidance it gives is so important to me.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2019 1:54 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 69) Victim Awareness

The first issue to consider in making amends is who you should make amends to?
1. Myself
2. My current wife
3. My children & step-children
4. My parents
5. My second wife
6. My first wife
7. My in laws from all my marriages
8. My siblings.

What is the impact on their lives?
1. To myself: Lived my life without empathy for those I loved the most. It has been a life of lies and deceit, a life of no proper values, boundaries or goals. The financial cost, to myself and to my family, all of which is money that I should have spent on them.
2. My current wife: This is where the worst damage has been done, and it has been done to the person I love most in the world and the person that has given me the greatest joy throughout the whole of my life.
I have caused the loving, caring woman to be broken in so many ways, her self esteem, trust of others, her self-confidence. She has PTSD because of this and suffers nearly every day!
3. My children: I remember how much pain I caused them when leaving my marriage, and how much hurt I caused their mum. How I did not give them the time they deserved.
4. My step children: They knew their mother was unhappy and they were worried about her, not knowing that I was the cause. As with my own, they deserved more of my time.
5. My parents: I put my parents through so much hurt leaving two marriages and saw my mother so upset by it each time.
6. My 2 other wives: I left them broken and in pieces, all because of my addiction and they never knew the truth.
7. My in laws: I caused their children so much pain.
8. My siblings: Although they know nothing, they were upset for me as their brother and upset for my parents.

Making amends:
I now live my life trying to make amends to my wife, it is now part of my recovery and part of my healthy lifestyle.
My children and step children, parents & siblings are the same, I strive to help them in any way I can, it would do no good too tell them the truth at this stage, as it would cause further angst. I may tell my brother in near future, but not sure about that yet.
My previous wives go back over 15 & 25 years, they have moved on with their lives and I cannot see any good coming from talking to them about this now. I also feel it could be a negative in my rebuilding with W.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 2:47 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 71) Permanent Recovery = Ongoing Awareness

Over the last couple of months I have thought about what happens when I finish the RN workshop.
The reason for thinking about it is because I am 5 months healthy, but reading a lot of peoples posts and talking to others at my SAA group, I am still very new into recovery.

So my thinking was how do I keep going without the dreaded complacency creeping in?

My plan is this:
To do the supplemental lessons.
To go over my whole RN workshop in a couple of months time.
Continue going to the SAA group weekly.
To work their 12 step programme.
(I am not sure what others may think about mixing RN & SAA, but I have found that they compliment each other in my case)

The key for me is to keep focused, but not let it take over my life, as lesson 67 mentions about poly-addiction.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:40 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 73) Leaving Addiction Behind

It has been 5 months since I admitted to my sex addiction, and as I said in my last post, still new to recovery, so I can only write below where I am for now.

The Insights/Skills that should be In place
At this point in your recovery, you should possess the following insights/skills:
• You should be experiencing a significant decline in the frequency of compulsive sexual/romantic urges. For someone with a daily pattern of sexually compulsive behavior, experiencing one or two significant urges in the course of a week should be anticipated. Experiencing one or two per month would be ideal. Experiencing no compulsive urges whatsoever is not natural.
• You should be comfortable in isolating each individual urge you experience — as it is experienced. You should not be thinking in terms of clusters or patterns anymore. You should understand why this individual urge approach is the most efficient for managing compulsive behavior.

I cannot say that I have had compulsive urges yet, but on many occasions thought about what I used to be doing at certain times of the day, with no urge to go back to them.

• You should have no existing triggering material in your possession and should have no 'secret stash' of destructive links, images or other stimuli that you can gain access to.

I have removed/destroyed of ALL material associated with that life

• You should have your self-awareness enough to know whether you are being absolutely honest with yourself about whether or not a particular stimuli is destructive.
• You should possess the ability to understand the general flow of emotions in a single compulsive event. In the lessons, you worked on very specific emotional elements that make up such a move on, you only need to understand the general nature of these elements.

I feel that I am coping with my emotions well for now, but always keeping an eye out for potential issues to arise.

• You should be able to recognize the critical time in a compulsive urge where you are capable of logical and/or predetermined decision-making (e.g. engaging in a mechanical decision-making process or deferring to an existing action plan).
• You should have a clear understanding of the Urge Control process.
• You should have a clear understanding of the Decision-Making process.
• You should have a comprehensive Relapse Prevention Plan in place that addresses not only the most common behavioral patterns, trigger patterns and signs/symptoms of an unbalanced life, but that has objective, precise actions to take should the need arise.
• You should have documented Action Plans in place to all of your most likely compulsive behaviors/triggers.

As above I keep stock of my well being and on the lookout for potential risks to my health.
For Example: My wife mentioned going away for a few days with her mother, my first instinct was trepidation, but quickly rolled into planning for this eventuality .

Additionally, you should have at least partially developed the following:
• You should possess at a minimum, a fuzzy understanding of how the individual pieces of the workshop come together to form a cohesive addiction recovery strategy.

• You should have a mechanical awareness of the individual pieces presented in the workshop, but not necessarily a functional one. This functionality will be developed in the next phase of the recovery process.

• You should be experiencing mild to moderate anxiety/doubt about your ability to sustain long-term, healthy change.

Yes, but for now it is very mild
• You should feel some apprehension in anticipating your first real test to your recovery — usually related to either complacency or the recognition that secrets/dishonesty remain a part of your life management repertoire.

Yes, most definitely
• You should have started to prepare for this test, though confusion should persist as to just what this 'test' will look/feel like.

• You should be getting in the habit of engaging in multiple mental role-playing sessions (lasting a few minutes each, several times per day) with the goal of furthering your awareness and ingraining healthy skills into the compulsive process.

Yes, something I think about most days
• You should have a list of solid, functional values that contains at least seven items. Each of these values should be capable of providing you with strength, stability and focus when called upon.

I think that the course has prepared me well for a lot of what may come in the future, but I am focused on not getting complacent, I know it may happen, but I am continuously preparing for that day.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2019 2:42 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
I have decided to start looking through my early posts and comment on anything that may have changed.
Lesson 1) Motivation
I have come to realise that my behaviour is compulsive (addictive), it is a spiral I get into and hurts me and the ones I love emotionally & financially.
I have hurt my wife badly, broken her, and my reasons for this were shallow and selfish, I know I can have the emotional & sexual needs in my life from her without going outside of our relationship.
I understand that I need to “recover” the whole process is about me changing my thinking, I have never liked going behind her back, never liked lying.
I have been scared to talk about my feelings, instead used escorts to fulfil my needs
A mature me would have discussed the issues he felt!!!!
Why do I really want to change ????
The reality is ....
I need sex in my life, but the use of escorts is an emotional daydream, it is not healthy for me and the compulsion returns even when it should not be required.
I want to change for me first but obviously for my wife, I have a strong emotional urge to get our relationship back to where we were 5/6 years ago. I do not have expectations of reaching those early days of a new fresh relationship, but close would be nice.

First of all, I should not have said "I need sex in my life" that was wrongly put.
What I would like is to have a completely loving & intimate relationship with my wife

Three Keys
1) actively committing yourself to change
I am totally committed to change - I understand the damage that it is causing me and people around me.
I am actively looking at the way I see things and going to engage in other activities, some started some planned for the future.
I go to my first SAA meeting on Thurs
I have my wife's backing
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Guilt & Shame are at present not a sabotage but a strong desire to change, I feel them everyday, but they make me positive.
3) allowing yourself time to change.
I fully appreciate that this could take months or years to complete, to some extent my new found disciplines will have to stay always.

Over the past months I have begun to find a new rhythm to my life, one that is free of secrets and built on my values. My days are now full of thoughts away from my past behaviours, but I start everyday reminding myself of who I was and think about who I want to be and how I am going to get there.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 1:30 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
(Lesson 2) Vision
I want to feel happy within my relationship with my wife, to gain all the trust and friendship I have lost through my actions.
I want to be content with the rest of the family/friends. Be focused on work and all activities I enjoy. I want to take my wife out because it is good and does not feel like a chore.
I want to feel that there is no need to go outside these boundaries for my own quick fix of self indulgence.
I believe that in shutting off the compulsion for porn/sex outside of the relationship will help focus at work, be more attentive to the family and be more willing to enjoy things together with them rather than just being there as a token gesture (I feel I sometimes do that just now)

Nearly 6 months down the line and there is no change to my vision, but now I feel it is truly possible to achieve this more than ever.

My goals
To have a loving intimate relationship with my wife
To be there for all of my family and for them to know I can be relied upon
To fill my days with activities that I enjoy, be it with my wife or alone.
To be able to afford to do things I/we enjoy.
To nurture my mind with learning about things that interest me
To feel content, in my mind to know I am loved for who I am
To stay healthy

As above, I am working towards these goals everyday and feel a sense of achievement.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 2:50 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 3) Values - revisited

MY Values
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
1. Personal growth, development
2. Self respect
3. Sense of accomplishment
4. Taking care of others in need
5. Intellectual growth, debate, communication
6. Curiosity
7. Organization
8. Indulging in creative inspiration, development
9. Living an exciting life
10. Living an adventurous life
11. Providing quality in my work
12. Being dedicated
13. Being charitable, giving
14. Developing intellectual depth
15. Respecting Mother Earth
16. Accepting responsibility for living my life
1. Sharing my true self with the world around me
2. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
3. Showing appreciation towards others
4. Being dependable
5. Being reliable
6. Honesty
7. Humbleness
8. Sense of responsibility
9. Being considerate of others
10. Being considerate of myself
11. Being judged trustworthy
12. Being respected
13. Living a humble life
14. Be known as truthful and honest
15. Selflessness/Altruism
16. Self-discipline
17. Living with compassion
1. Developing emotional maturity
2. Forgiveness
3. Feeling happy and content
4. Communicating feelings
5. Avoiding conflict
6. Fidelity
7. Sexual intimacy
8. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
9. Developing patience
10. Companionship
11. Feeling unconditional love
12. Intimacy
13. Sexual contact
14. Feeling sexually desired
15. Feeling appreciated
16. Loving others
17. Being loved by others
18. Communication

The dark side
No thought for others
Self indulgence
No empathy
Blinkered thoughts of nothing but sex
No thought or care of consequences

I look at the values that I wrote back November and still think they are what I want to strive for.
I am definitely a lot more caring about W, my family and the world in general. I do not spend any time thinking about when I can "act out", so far that has left me completely.
Things are going in the right direction and I feel a sort of accomplishment as each day passes.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2019 1:22 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 4 & 5 revisited

When I look at my two lists, I am still happy with them, but now I look at how they are actually working over the last 6 months.
I have relisted my top 15 and made comment on any others I feel strongly about.
1. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
2. Communication
3. Self-discipline
4. Developing emotional maturity
5. Organisation
6. Self respect
7. Being judged trustworthy
8. Communicating feelings
9. Fidelity
10. Honesty
11. Accepting responsibility for living my life
12. Sharing my true self with the world around me
13. Being dependable
14. Being reliable
15. Sense of responsibility

There is no doubt that no.1 is still my priority and I feel that it is heading in the right direction, W notices a difference.
I now communicate more and with total honesty - this covers quite a few of my top 15.
Likewise organisation, self discipline, sense of responsibility, go together and I focus on my family needs, my work etc, so much better.
Being judged trustworthy is the hardest and something i know that only time will give me.

As for the larger list:
Developing patience stuck out for me as I can tell I am a lot more patient and more understanding, comments have been made by W that in the past would have caused me to have a major row, but now I accept they are deserved and I swallow them up, I no longer linger over them and let my anger simmer.
I am working on my creativity and also on my leisure activities, giving them my full concentration, where as before they were done with no real intent.
My social conscience is getting even more stronger and my willingness to help people, the planet etc is the same.

I know that these values are all intact and I want to continue in this way.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2019 2:26 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 6) Building proactive plans 1 - Revisited

1. Self respect
I need to learn that positive actions in life cause me to be happy within myself and negative actions cause me to loathe my inner being.
Think in advance of your actions and the consequences they will have on your own feelings.

I am now at a stage where I have a positive outlook nearly everyday, although some days are stressful, I do not let them get to me.
I see the hurt & pain is still inside my W and that causes me to have moments of guilt and hatred at myself, but I stay positive and hope that one day she will get passed those feelings. I definitely think before I do anything now and it's not just about the addictive behaviour but the effect anything I do could have on others.
I now have self respect, it is so refreshing walking around with a clear head, walking around without secrets.

2. Honesty
Be completely honest to your wife and everyone else, do not keep secrets.
Be honest with yourself, about your feelings, what you want from life.

I have managed to be completely honest with her, and I will make a point of stopping and thinking about how I feel and relaying it to W.
At the same time I spend a lot of time checking on her emotional state.

3. Accepting responsibility for living my life
Stop meandering through life as if nothing matters.
Understand that everything I may do could have an effect on my future and the future of those around me. Make decisions based on cause & effect. Do not leave it to others!!

One of the biggest changes in my life so far. I have started to enjoy time with W again, got back to doing the leisure activities I like, and become more responsible with my work.
It is sad to think the old T would spend his time working out when he could "act out" and not much else. The new T has no space for it.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2019 2:48 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 7 - Proactive Plans 2 - revisited

Without copying and pasting the large list I have for this section, I will say that I have stuck to them all so far.
I have very much targeted everything specific to W and trying to mend the marriage that I have broken, but I have not forgotten about the bigger picture:
All of my family, kids, parents & siblings.
My work ethic
My leisure activities.
Social responsibilities.
Everything in each area has improved greatly, it is amazing how much time you have when you are not thinking about "acting out" or making time for "acting out".

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun Jun 02, 2019 2:18 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 12) Recognizing Unhealthy Recovery Patterns - revisited

I have read all of this section and do not see myself in any of these points, but I am only 5 weeks into recovery and have also had no thoughts of relapse at all.
My major motivation for doing this for myself, but also for my wife & family and I do not see that as being wrong? But it is not to deflect attention from my past behaviour.

On re-reading this lesson and my comments, I would say that nothing has changed for me, the desire for recovery is as strong as ever.
I would say that I fall into the third group, as I have never lost that "initial commitment"

As I have said in my thread already, to help keep me focused I am reviewing all of my posts and have requested from admin to become a mentor.
I will say that I am not addicted to the programme, I spend a bit of time each day, on either RN or SAA, but never to excess. It is usually first thing in the morning as I have peace and it sets up my day.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 3:34 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
13) Healthy Recovery Patterns - revisited.

I would now say I am at middle recovery "Actual recovery", looking over the list I have picked out the ones I think are most poignant to me.

1)They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others — especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.

2)They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.

3)Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.

4)They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.

 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 2:23 am 

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 91
Lesson 14) Daily monitoring - Revisited

1. Did I have any compulsive thoughts today?
2. Was I attentive to my wife?
3. Was I completely honest with my wife today?
4. Did you check on your wife’s emotional state?
5. Did you have “date time” with your wife or plan a date?
6. Did I give work my full attention & carry it out to accurately?
7. Did I spend time doing at least one of my leisure activities?
8. Did you spend time thinking about your life?
9. Did you health check your state of mind?
10. Did you check on any family members today?
11. Did you organise or discuss any future events, holidays etc?

I have basically stuck to these questions for 7 months now, I changed to weekly monitoring after a couple of months, but still get up in the morning and ask myself these questions. After a lot of thought in the last couple of weeks, I have now moved my written monitoring to monthly, although I am keeping a close eye on things and will revert back if I feel it is not enough.

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 89 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

All times are UTC - 5 hours

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider] and 9 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group