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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2019 4:49 pm 
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Posts: 62
I am going to keep all of my value action plans in one location so I can refer to them.

I have to say I feel a bit overwhelmed already thinking about doing all this stuff - however, this will keep me busy.

Selected values

Committed to self-mastery

- I will continue to study stoicism and journal each day
- I will take pleasure in delaying gratification
- I will continue to educate myself

Reading everyday

- spend at least 15 minutes reading each day
- Have one fiction and one non-fiction book
- have podcasts - books ready to go when commuting / travelling
- Always have another book I want to read
- Be ok / come to terms with reading work related books while not at work

Love of learning

- Do the Learning to learn course
- Do some research on how I learn best

Building my business to provide financial security

- Spend at-least 25 minutes a day writing user stories while I am on leave
- Read the Stacking the bricks material I purchased
- Explore new business idea with my friend

Grow and storing my own food

- I will read about growing food in my local area
- I will learn more about soil prep and light needs
- I will learn more about making worm tea
- I will complete the trench I am digging

Exercise at least three times a week and eat mostly clean food

- Print my training plan while I am off work
- Set a race goal for my running
- Try to run with friends
- Try other sports
- Do some of the Yoga videos my friend sent me
- Do 20 push-ups a day until I go to training camp
- Set up the Yoga swing
- I will read the 4 hour body
- I will consume only small quantities of meat
- I will pay more attention to what I eat

Have a strong bond with my wife

- I will listen non-judgementally
- I will heal my P addiction
- I will continue my own self-work
- I will try to book some couple counselling - even if things are not too bad just to check in
- I will help out around the house more
- I will think of creative ways to be romantic
- I will consider my friendships with other females truthfully and make sure I am not substituting anything

Never use pornography
- I will complete the exercises here
- I will prioritise my recovery
- I will educate myself on the danger of porn addiction
- I will work to address core issues that lead me to acting out
- I will pay for professional help
- I will establish a healthy morning ritual
- I will put a blocker on my phone
- I will begin to meditate just 5 mins per day

Has authentic relationships with family and friends

- I will make sure I am contacting those friends I care about the most frequently, even just a text
- I will check in with my friends, and be thoughtful
- I will allow my family the freedom to feel safe and give me feedback

Am the best Father I can be

- I will take being a Father more seriously and read blogs and books to educate myself
- I will spend time with my Son and not preach, but focus on listening
- I will build a cubby out the back with my son
- I will continue teaching my son how to program
- I will continue to read to my son each day
- I will speak to my wife on how she thinks I can be a better Dad
- I will not allow myself to become upset at my son if he does the wrong thing

I travel often, overseas once a year

- I will continue to work on my financial literacy
- I will pay off my CC

I can manage my money and have excellent financial literacy

- I will implement some of the changes recommended in the book I have just finished
- I will continue to speak to my wife about our money
- I will build a buffer and go two weeks of not spending my personal disposable income
- I will continue to educate myself

I am able to delay gratification

- I will practice delaying gratification, in particular, for Sex
- I will learn more about how to do this
- I will be conscious of this

Living a life of gratitude

- I will add daily gratitude to my morning routine

Respecting the mind and not using mind-altering substances

- I will not consume mind-altering substances

I serve the community

- I will look for ways that I can serve my community

I work part-time hours

- I will make sure my super fund is getting extra contributions
- I will develop skills that I need to work part-time


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:31 am 
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Posts: 62
Just checking in to say that I started shopping around for a therapist today.

I will also be away from all technology, in the wilderness for 9 days in three days time. So I will be able to have a great streak. Currently on 14 days.

I see that it is not about the streak, but about life management. I would love a book to read on porn addiction, or addiction while I am away.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2019 7:29 pm 
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Posts: 62
I will be away from technology for a bout 9 days. I will meditate a lot, be in nature and reflect. I have a book by Russell Brand. It could have some triggers but it will include how he overcome addiction.I am hoping it helps.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 7:35 pm 
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Posts: 62
I made 30 days yesterday. A milestone, as it;s my longest streak. I now understand that it's not about streaks though.

I had some strong urges this morning, after only getting a couple of hours sleep last night. I did not view P - but I edged a bit and had a fantasy.

Knowing that I beat my streak set my mind off. I was able to stop it.

I was away offline for a while, now I am back I will continue my recovery program.

Oh - I am seeing great benefits including much better connections, memory improvement and general improved disposition. Family life seems much better. Sex life improving dramatically too.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2019 11:42 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 393
Hi TP,

Welcome back after your break, it sounds like it did you a lot of good. I look forward to monitoring your progress now you are back with the programme. I can see that you are aware of the issue with counting days (recovery is not abstinence) but now you have got your 30 day milestone out of the way perhaps forget the counting and get used to not needing to act out, it is about changing how you live your life rather than feeling that you are being good by avoiding something.

Good luck with your continued journey through the workshop.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:16 am 
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Posts: 62
learningtorun wrote:
Hi TP,

Welcome back after your break, it sounds like it did you a lot of good. I look forward to monitoring your progress now you are back with the programme. I can see that you are aware of the issue with counting days (recovery is not abstinence) but now you have got your 30 day milestone out of the way perhaps forget the counting and get used to not needing to act out, it is about changing how you live your life rather than feeling that you are being good by avoiding something.

Good luck with your continued journey through the workshop.


Hi Learning to run

TY for your encouraging words, however I am very humble in my small victory. I see the benefit of a different approach. /

I have noticed my brain trying to convince me to act out, and just earlier I touched myself while watching a film (no p subs), I stopped myself. I feel humbled in front of this great challenge.

Today I started listening to more podcasts on porn recovery, an important step for me, and I now I thin I am ready for the workshop material, which I will attempt to continue tomorrow.

I am seeing improvements in all aspects of my life. I have a series of streaks I am on the back of, and I feel it is easier to control the urges. I look forward to learning more about that.

TY for the support, knowing someone is watching is very encouraging.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 10:38 pm 
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Posts: 62
I just finished lesson 10.

It was a tough one, it was a long read, so I broke it up over a few days to read.

It was tough as I don;t fully get it, I need to go and re-read. But it is long, so that will be hard.

So I am yet to tell my wife. This is one thing I am not sure about, is the lesson telling me I have to?

I get that until I do, I will not have fully healed, and that I am damaging her, our relationship, and it completely, my family and it is unfair on her.

One reason I am here is because for a long time, I have not been sure if I am really there for her at all. I mean I am not sure if I am committed to our relationship. I wanted to heal first, to try, to see if it was just porn. I am afraid if I ell her, and we break up, she will use it against me, for example, visiting right to see my son.

She will not just let it go, but she may surprise me. It is a catch 22. I feel really shity about this.

So onto the exercises.

If I can't be honest with her, I can be honest with everyone else, on the internet.

I do not have any secret stashes of Porn. No magazines, or affairs. We have been to together for a very long time, in my early 20s I had a couple of small flings here and there while we were together, but we had time apart too. these were normally in times were we had decided to take a break. But nothing like that has happened for about 15 years. And I simply will not it now, that we have a child and are married.

I do have a fantasy / comparison issue. I was just at the mall, and I was falling to my fantasy, looking at women. I used to do this a lot more when I was not in recovery.

Right now, in my recovery, I am having a bit of a hard time, I am about 39 days in. But the last few days, I sometimes touched myself a bit in morning and had a fantasy, and this is making things much harder.

I have been able to stop myself, because I can see the pain that addiction causes me is worse than the pleasure of a 5 second moment. As my AP says, I am at a cross roads.

There is one other thing. There is a woman, she is a friend, she is our friend. Almost 20 years ago I hooked up with her. She is fit, we talk often, our partners know this. We are very close friends. But I am sure that I am in love her. The thing is, she would not make a good partner. I know her so well, and she has pretty much cheated on every partner she has had, inc her current one. I think I need to end the friendship, so I do not purse it, and am careful to not talk too often (we may message once or twice a week). I know she does not feel same way about me, and I am not her only male friend. I would not do anything withe her anyone, her partner and I are friends too. I think I can just deal with use remaining friends, like when you love someone but you accept that you can;t be together. She is younger than me.

I am not being honest with my wife for thinking like this or maintaining the friendship, not am I being honest with my friend. It swings on and off, if I do not speak to her for a week or so I am fine. But we share an interest in self development, and talk on deep subjects.

So that is about it, I do see myself talking to her. She has caught me watching P before, and she has laughed at me. If I want sex, and she does not, she may sometimes tell me to go sort myself out.

So perhaps I should just trust that she will understand. I could really use any advice on this one part, as I feel it is really important to my recovery. I have told a female friend, and another who opened up to me that she is a sex worker. So I am making progress.

I also kinda get that I need to be honest with myself, and to make sure I am understand that when I look at an attractive girl, I am undermining my values.

Sometimes I see them, and I think why can't I have a fit girl like that? I am pretty active, my no means perfect, but fairly active, I love to run, do sports and look after myself. My wife just does not seem interested, she tries, but normally gets a gym membership and goes once, before paying for the rest of the year. Or buys a bike, to use it twice, and never again, before she sells it. It is a cycle, she also has not any real friends, while I have a lot. It is possible;e, that we are now two different people, and my p use is a symptom of being unhappy.

But I love my family, and things are getting much much better already. And I do enjoy hanging with her, and making love to her. She is an attractive, sweet person and I do care for her very much. I know this deep down. The superficial is distracting me from that.

And she is making a bigger effort for her health, I am being supportive and when she heals from minor surgery, I will be doing some exercises with her at night.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 5:14 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 393
Hi TP,

Quote:
So I am yet to tell my wife. This is one thing I am not sure about, is the lesson telling me I have to?

First off, no-one on RN will tell you what to do, you are offered information and guidance but ultimately the decisions you make are yours and yours alone.

In terms of some observations though, I went back to your refined values and noticed that you do not have one that states that you will be honest with others and most importantly with your wife. I am not sure if that was just an oversight but perhaps this brings out how important your values list should be in that you can use it in order to help you make decisions. An exercise is just theory but you have a practical opportunity to review them now and make any changes necessary in order to make them fit for purpose. You should view them as the list of attributes that, if you live your life in accordance with them, will give you a life that you seek. Something to think about.

Secondly, should you confess to your wife or not? As I have already mentioned, that is ultimately your decision but you should be sure to consider the implications of both sides of that decision. If you choose to confess then you will achieved honesty and will have cleared away all of the lies that may burden you if you come clean with everything (which should include not drip feeding details over time as that can be more damaging). You will obviously run the risk that this could end the relationship for you and you have separately mentioned that there may be wider concerns you already have about your relationship and that is for you to work through. It may also be that you decide not to confess and that is again your decision to make but be aware of two things if you choose to go down that route. Firstly you will always have secrets from your wife and that may weigh down on you over time and secondly there is a very real risk that avoidance could generate a Get Out of Jail Free card. If you choose to keep the details to yourself then you must be honest with yourself and have a line in the sand drawn with honesty and a full commitment to recovery from that point rather than using it as an excuse to not act out.

I would stress that these are my personal views and other coaches and mentors will have different views (and indeed may add additional comment here) but clearly the first option would align with what the workshop recommends but you would not be the first to choose the second option - just be aware that this brings certain responsibilities with it and if you are going to play games with yourself, as CoachJon states, then the recovery attempts are a farce in any event. You have a lot to consider and an important choice to make, please think this through careful and choose wisely.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 62
learningtorun wrote:
Hi TP,

Quote:
So I am yet to tell my wife. This is one thing I am not sure about, is the lesson telling me I have to?

First off, no-one on RN will tell you what to do, you are offered information and guidance but ultimately the decisions you make are yours and yours alone.

In terms of some observations though, I went back to your refined values and noticed that you do not have one that states that you will be honest with others and most importantly with your wife. I am not sure if that was just an oversight but perhaps this brings out how important your values list should be in that you can use it in order to help you make decisions. An exercise is just theory but you have a practical opportunity to review them now and make any changes necessary in order to make them fit for purpose. You should view them as the list of attributes that, if you live your life in accordance with them, will give you a life that you seek. Something to think about.

Secondly, should you confess to your wife or not? As I have already mentioned, that is ultimately your decision but you should be sure to consider the implications of both sides of that decision. If you choose to confess then you will achieved honesty and will have cleared away all of the lies that may burden you if you come clean with everything (which should include not drip feeding details over time as that can be more damaging). You will obviously run the risk that this could end the relationship for you and you have separately mentioned that there may be wider concerns you already have about your relationship and that is for you to work through. It may also be that you decide not to confess and that is again your decision to make but be aware of two things if you choose to go down that route. Firstly you will always have secrets from your wife and that may weigh down on you over time and secondly there is a very real risk that avoidance could generate a Get Out of Jail Free card. If you choose to keep the details to yourself then you must be honest with yourself and have a line in the sand drawn with honesty and a full commitment to recovery from that point rather than using it as an excuse to not act out.

I would stress that these are my personal views and other coaches and mentors will have different views (and indeed may add additional comment here) but clearly the first option would align with what the workshop recommends but you would not be the first to choose the second option - just be aware that this brings certain responsibilities with it and if you are going to play games with yourself, as CoachJon states, then the recovery attempts are a farce in any event. You have a lot to consider and an important choice to make, please think this through careful and choose wisely.


Thank you for the time and effort you have put into this detailed response, for me, a stranger.

I will think some more, and the thing that resonates with me the most is the get out of jail free card. One thing that I do get, is how living a life based on values is a great tool for escaping addiction (and just having a better life in general).

I say that I want authentic relationships - well surely I should be acting honestly if that's the case? I will review my value list.

On another note:

I am disappointed to report I have slipped.

So for the last week I was basically slipping into a relapse.

On the weekend I was at a bucks party (not very sexualized), and we drank a lot.

Each time I have slipped it has been after a massive binge. A few beer or even 6 is ok. But a massive session, which is rare these days, will not work for me.

I also looked at some p subs in the week leading up. And I would rub myself a bit in the morning.

My wife has had some surgery and we could not make love, and I received an email from future me with a pass to my router to remove blocker.

And then the day after being hungover, I slipped while in bed.

The main lessons I have taken from here is that I was not serious about my recovery. I was doing small actions that slowly wore down my resolve. I searched for "Hot bikini woman" or something leading up to it. I already know I have a problem with drinking too, I need to not have massive sessions. If I can't stop drinking 100%, I can't drink too much.

The reality I may not be able to recover fully until I remove alcohol from my life. And take recovery more seriously. To prioritise it above EVERYTHING.

On the upside, I saw some great benefits. I made 39 days, and that was on the back of some good streaks. I can keep this up. I will continue my work here, and I will do more study into the negative impacts of P addiction. Mainly I am going to step up - I am not going to give in. I can see my life changing for the better.

I have reset up the blockers. I will find a way to block on the phone. Or get a dumb phone.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:48 pm 
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I just wanted to take a moment to re-post my selected values, add to it and make a comment on how it's going.

I am worried that my selected values are a bit selfish, or that I missed the point. I thought the point was to have a better life so you don't use porn. And to work towards filling the gaps. I will also take some time to remove some actions that are not relevant, update them or add new values altogether. I will bold the new ones. Old ones will just go.

Just want to add, my meditation practice, up to day 4, is having really big results for me. Onto of the other self work, which I have been heavily involved in for a long time, I am finding the practice is like a 10X on the awareness / philosophy stuff.

Committed to self-mastery

- I will continue to study stoicism and journal each day
- I will take pleasure in delaying gratification


The good
I am making good progress. I journal each day, I study deeply and I have started meditation.

What can be better
I can certainly improve the delay gratification part.

I have a morning ritual
*Note, this is new


- Meditation
- Exercise
- Journalling
- Gratitude diary
- I wake at 6:30am


Reading everyday

- spend at least 15 minutes reading each day
- Have one fiction and one non-fiction book
- have podcasts - books ready to go when commuting / travelling
- Always have another book I want to read
- Be ok / come to terms with reading work related books while not at work
- Do the Learning to learn course

The good
I am really enjoying reading. I have started the learning to learn course

What can be better

I need to to do more research when at home or find a crossover for my work related tasks. I think I can do this buy studying a PHP book I have wanted to complete for a long time(but I do not want to over do it)

Building my business to provide financial security

- Spend at-least 25 minutes a day on the business.
- Read the Stacking the bricks material I purchased
- Complete the lean canvas for a friend's business idea

The good
Things have changed a lot, but I am making progress at a pace I am currently ok with.

What can be better
I need to accept the parts that are less fun, and make the time to get them done. I have a big learning corss over with my day to day work, I should take advanatge.

Grow and storing my own food

- I will read about growing food in my local area
- I will learn more about soil prep and light needs
- I will learn more about making worm tea
- I will complete the trench I am digging

The good
I am composting, looking after the worms and chickens

What can be better

I should read more, it has been hot and I am a little unmotivated

Exercise at least three times a week and eat mostly clean food

- Set a race goal for my running
- Try to run with friends
- Do some of the Yoga videos my friend sent me
- Do 20 push-ups a day
- Set up the Yoga swing
- I will read the 4 hour body
- I will consume only small quantities of meat
- I will pay more attention to what I eat
- I will keep learning martial arts and practice daily
- I will keep eating clean food for lunch, and resist getting take out

The good
Training going well, ran two times this week, rode to work a couple of times. doing martial arts each day and other exercises.

Eating has been pretty good.

What can be better
I could do more push-ups and just watch for signs of drop of while I build consistency. Could book a race in.

Eating can improve, I something crave take out, this week had it about 3 times.

Have a strong bond with my wife

- I will listen non-judgementally
- I will be honest
- I will heal my P addiction
- I will continue my own self-work
- I will help out around the house more
- I will think of creative ways to be romantic
- I will consider my friendships with other females truthfully and make sure I am not substituting anything


The good
Helping lots, but can do much more. Things have been really good. The 39 day streak had an impact.

I am deeply in love with my wife. I am super lucky, and she is insanely beautiful. I am a lucky man. She is so stoked I am meditating.

What can be better
I am thinking over telling her. I think she has seen this site pop up and others, She is not dumb, she must know something.


Never use pornography

- I will complete the exercises here
- I will prioritise my recovery
- I will educate myself on the danger of porn addiction
- I will work to address core issues that lead me to acting out
- I will pay for professional help
- I will establish a healthy morning ritual
- I will put a blocker on my phone
- I will begin to meditate just 5 mins per day
- I will continue no porn hypnosis

The good
I said I started to meditate.

What can be better
I had a slip. I know why, I could see it coming a mile off. I find the urges a bit stronger, hopefully I did not do too much damage. Up to day 4 now.

Still need to block on phone!

I did not prioritise recovery.

Has authentic relationships with family and friends, building new friendships and strengthening current ones

- I will make sure I am contacting those friends I care about the most frequently, even just a text
- I will check in with my friends, and be thoughtful
- I will allow my family the freedom to feel safe and give me feedback

The good
I am about to spend a bunch of time with some friends, away.

What can be better
Not being honest with my wife, and myself is a huge issue.

Am the best Father I can be

- I will take being a Father more seriously and read blogs and books to educate myself
- I will spend time with my Son and not preach, but focus on listening
- I will build a cubby out the back with my son
- I will continue teaching my son how to program
- I will continue to read to my son each day
- I will speak to my wife on how she thinks I can be a better Dad
- I will not allow myself to become upset at my son if he does the wrong thing

The good
I am feeling more and more connected

What can be better
I am not doing many of the things on this list, like talk to my wife or read blogs. Time is hard. I will try harder.

I can manage my money and have excellent financial literacy

- I will implement some of the changes recommended in the book I have just finished
- I will continue to speak to my wife about our money
- I will build a buffer and go two weeks of not spending my personal disposable income
- I will continue to educate myself
- I will pay off my CC

The good
Fixed super and insurance

What can be better
Can do much better, coming out of a rough patch

Respecting the mind and not using mind-altering substances

- I will not consume mind-altering substances
- I will reduce my alcohol intake
- I will read - change your thinking

The good
Have not taking anything since nye

What can be better
I drink a bit too often style. I want to smoke some weed

I serve the community

- I will look for ways that I can serve my community

The good


What can be better
Have not really started this. The time.

I work part-time hours

- I will make sure my super fund is getting extra contributions
- I will develop skills that I need to work part-time

The good
I am learning each day, I think I have a good way forward. I am really enjoying work ATM.

What can be better
I should learn outside of work to maximise my efforts


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2019 9:48 pm 
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I just finished the 11th lesson. Need to complete the worksheet.


I feel a bit uncomfortable after reading some of the issues ppl face. Like I never would have even known about some of those things had I not read them. In saying that, the value outweighs the negative. If being addicted to porn lumps me in with those groups, so be it.

I'm not feeling really committed ATM. Not sure what to do. I am feeling the benefits.

Sometime that stuck out to is poly addiction. I know I have an issue with alcohol and drugs.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2019 5:03 am 
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I tried to complete the first assement at the bottom of lesson 11, but I am unable to submit anything. I think the page is broke.

A and B are present as follow-up questions, but no others. and no submit. Tested in FF and Chrome.

Anyway, I have some questions, I am going to post them elsewhere in the forum. I need to know more about the poly addiction stuff.

Observation - The girl I mentioned I think I love (or have some on-going crush on), she has some news for me. I think she is going to tell me she is pregnant.

As soon as she told me she has news, I felt a bit odd and the next day I actually thought I could fap because, who cares. But I think it may be a fascination or the idea of being with her. I am not too worried, but I do think about her a lot! Now I am monitoring my thoughts a bit.

The other thing is, that when I am in the mall, I am having mini fantasies momentarily.

Another observation.

Before my wife and I got married, I would often think about breaking up. It was really easy to stay together, and there was a finical element to it also. I am really bad with money.

Perhaps I have committed some horrible sin in just sticking around, wasting both our lives. Perhaps I do not love here, and this is what is causing all this conflict. The thing is, she is a GOOD woman, and I care for her very much. I do not want ANYTHING bad to happen to her, or to do my best to protect her. And to try my best to be the best Dad I can. So while I may seem conflicted, in my heart, I know I love her. And this is a great reason to be honest with her. I think that's the right thing to do.I could tell her everything but I am not sure I could tell her the crush I have had on this other woman. And that is not being totally honest.

I have been meditating a bit, it is wonderful. I am not really recording them here, but there are tonnes of great benefits no fapping is having in my life. Mainly around new hobby’s.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 7:52 am 
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Posts: 62
Hi

I had another slip.

- Woke up at 3am with some intense sexual energy.
- Listened to a podcast about a former porn actress on love ppl use things. She talked a lot about sex and what she used to do. It kinda got me excited - I should have know. Not their fault, but a trigger would have been nice.
- I felt a lot sexual energy today - but I pushed through. Women were looking at me. I was thinking about them
- Got home, did lots of creative stuff. Went to get dinner and got a few beers
- Was just feeling really horny and I located my router pass in my deleted folder
- Work has been pretty full-on
- Made love to wife other night, had some mixed feeling but may have had some chaser


I have reset the router filter and deleted the password from trash folder. I am not going to dwell on this, I am just going to get back up and keep moving forward. This is a minor slip, not the end of the of the road.

I felt like total crap for the next couple of days.

I am now 2 days back in. I have been reading through the material here. I do not know why - but it takes me ages. There is a lot of content. I normally read books. I could print it, but I would be worried someone would find it.

I deft need to make more time and really prioritise it. I am deft keen to keep going through it all. I am not stopping it, I am finishing. Oh- I threw out what weed I had.

On another note, I want to tell my wife but I am not sure how. I saw some link here about it. Doe anyone know where that is?


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:38 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 393
Hi TP,


Quote:
On another note, I want to tell my wife but I am not sure how. I saw some link here about it. Doe anyone know where that is?

I copied the link to the communication guidance note to your post in the Community Forum. If you have further queries on that then post there or here and a coach/mentor will stop by to offer some thoughts.

Quote:
Sometime that stuck out to is poly addiction. I know I have an issue with alcohol and drugs.

As you know, the main driver for an SA is to try and improve their emotional state. Sex can provide excitement which does that and in different ways so can alcohol and drugs. There is a section on this later in the workshop but the principle of it is to be aware of shifting one addiction to another (e.g. avoid acting out sexually but to get your excitement elsewhere now via alcohol/drugs/whatever). You should be mindful of what each of these provides to you so that you can understand why you engage in each which may help you realise that none of them actually give you what you are looking for - excitement is not the same things as happiness, addictions feed the former but your values will lead you to the latter.

Quote:
I tried to complete the first assement at the bottom of lesson 11, but I am unable to submit anything. I think the page is broke.

Unfortunately the facility for submitting the forms is no longer available. Instead you should try and use this as an opportunity to record your self-assessment as it may throw up areas that you were not previously aware of and can therefore pay attention to these throughout the workshop.

You also wrote
Quote:
I'm not feeling really committed ATM. Not sure what to do.

and
Quote:
I deft need to make more time and really prioritise it. I am deft keen to keep going through it all. I am not stopping it, I am finishing.

This is your recovery and your choice but I can say that unless you are fully committed to your recovery then you will struggle to succeed in your recovery. If you are being honest with yourself, is progressing through the lessons on one hand and allowing yourself to fantasise about this other girl likely to end well? Whilst you work your way through the workshop you will pick up the tools to overcome your addiction but in the meantime it would be wise to try to avoid fantasising and to cut those thoughts off as soon as you become aware of them and dig in. At the end of the day these are your choices to make and no-one can make them but you. You will choose though so please try and choose wisely.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2019 4:40 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 62
learningtorun wrote:
Hi TP,


Quote:
On another note, I want to tell my wife but I am not sure how. I saw some link here about it. Doe anyone know where that is?

I copied the link to the communication guidance note to your post in the Community Forum. If you have further queries on that then post there or here and a coach/mentor will stop by to offer some thoughts.

Quote:
Sometime that stuck out to is poly addiction. I know I have an issue with alcohol and drugs.

As you know, the main driver for an SA is to try and improve their emotional state. Sex can provide excitement which does that and in different ways so can alcohol and drugs. There is a section on this later in the workshop but the principle of it is to be aware of shifting one addiction to another (e.g. avoid acting out sexually but to get your excitement elsewhere now via alcohol/drugs/whatever). You should be mindful of what each of these provides to you so that you can understand why you engage in each which may help you realise that none of them actually give you what you are looking for - excitement is not the same things as happiness, addictions feed the former but your values will lead you to the latter.

Quote:
I tried to complete the first assement at the bottom of lesson 11, but I am unable to submit anything. I think the page is broke.

Unfortunately the facility for submitting the forms is no longer available. Instead you should try and use this as an opportunity to record your self-assessment as it may throw up areas that you were not previously aware of and can therefore pay attention to these throughout the workshop.

You also wrote
Quote:
I'm not feeling really committed ATM. Not sure what to do.

and
Quote:
I deft need to make more time and really prioritise it. I am deft keen to keep going through it all. I am not stopping it, I am finishing.

This is your recovery and your choice but I can say that unless you are fully committed to your recovery then you will struggle to succeed in your recovery. If you are being honest with yourself, is progressing through the lessons on one hand and allowing yourself to fantasise about this other girl likely to end well? Whilst you work your way through the workshop you will pick up the tools to overcome your addiction but in the meantime it would be wise to try to avoid fantasising and to cut those thoughts off as soon as you become aware of them and dig in. At the end of the day these are your choices to make and no-one can make them but you. You will choose though so please try and choose wisely.


Thanks for taking the time for this excellent advice.

I have good news, I told my wife, and she was totally fine with it. Thanks for your encouragement.

I even old her about the girl I like (she did not want to know about that).

She told me she did not think me using porn was a problem because she is not very sexual. that kinda made me think it's ok to use porn because 'poor me'

I then had a slip, here is how it happened (I accept it's my fault, just documenting it)

Beers after work
Counselled a friend going through a major, life changing event
Smoked some weed at their house
Was exposed to porn in the background on a monitor
Told my wife
Had intense 30 min phone conversation with intoxicated long lost family member who told me some horrible things I did not know
Felt like I had a bit of permission
Found the router password on a web mail server (man it;s crazy how my brain was working)

So there you go.

I am now going to double down.


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