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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 7:44 pm 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 16: Understanding Addiction I

Back then, I only value studying, hard work, thinking that money would solve my problems as I was raised that way. Additionally, I didn’t know how to communicate with my parents well. As for my mom, I was always afraid to tell her my problems or the things where I mess up since I knew she would just judge me or look down on me. For my dad, I was not really close to him back then. I see him as a source of money and a source of living, a provider. However, I had not much emotional outlet that I can share my problems to back then. I had friends, a small circle of friends actually, and I didn’t have that much skill in managing/keeping them or I was not that close to them. Before, I didn’t value other things such as health, family, relaxation, self-love, spiritually and other things.

Positive Role That Addiction Had Done with My Life
• Manage my stress.
• Run from my problem with my mom and dad when I was in high school.
• Run from the hardships and learnings that I should have when I was a teen.
• Manage my loneliness since had no practice on social occasions.
• Get over my past relationships with woman.
• Get over my failures from courting a woman when I was in high school.
• Instant gratification, running from my fear of talking to women or being rejected.
• Fixing my problem with identity, I don’t know who I was back then. I had no identity. I was just that boy that is nice to everybody. And don’t know how to talk to women or to someone new.

Completed: February 04, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 5:51 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 17: Understanding Addiction II

Compulsive Ritual I Engage In

Masturbation

• Sensory Stimulation
o Touch
As I masturbate, I use touch to have a high within myself.
o Sight
While masturbating, I use porn to additionally have stimulation.
o Smell
I always want a certain smell of soap/lubricant and it turns me on as I masturbate.

• Fantasy
I would fantasize that a woman would like me or have a relationship with me. Additionally, back then, I would stalk someone and fantasize that she loves me and she cares.

• Past
I was molested when I was a young boy. About 4 years old. As I would sleep in the afternoon, after taking our lunch, she would passionately kiss me in the bedroom. Maybe, it leads to somewhere that I like to masturbate on woman that are bigger or having a body type larger than me.

I don’t know if this has a connection. I was abused when I was a child by my mom. There were only few time I remember that she loved me. She was very perfectionist when I was a child. She would spank or punish me whenever I have low grades or don’t act the way she would want me to. Maybe I am longing for love and care that’s why I had multiple failed relationships back then.

• Orgasm
As I continue my compulsive behavior, I would love the high orgasm would give me. Back then, I would reach orgasm for an average of 2 times a day.


Finished: February 06, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 5:53 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 18: Understanding Addiction III

Masturbation

Time
As I masturbate, there is a small amount of time before I climax. Anything longer than this would no longer be pleasurable since it would make me feel impatient or would provide lesser stimulation.

Intensity
I started masturbating just from fantasizing women I see. However, I progressed from looking at pictures of naked women until I found short clips women masturbating, then looking at higher forms of videos such as specialized ones (solo clips, JOI’s, anything that makes me feel connected with a woman). Until I reached a higher high from watching videos in VR.

Habituation
I normally do this compulsive behavior when I’m stressed or when things don’t go as I planned. Additionally, sometimes it takes me an average of 3 days before I want to do the behavior again.


Completed: February 07, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 8:38 pm 
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Lesson 19: Understanding Addiction IV

I tried to observe as hyper-realistic as I can with the rituals I engage in. Here are some that I observed.

• As I’m riding public transport a while back, I was feeling intense sexual feeling when a girl with big boobs sat beside me. Different thoughts have raced through my mind.
• The same thing happened when I went home last evening. I was sitting beside a woman, and we are bumping each other in the shoulder and I’m feeling hypersexual even though nothing is happening.
• I’m happy socializing with my male friends. However, sometimes their jokes or view about women are not great. They look at women as sex objects. During a practice, most of them were laughing and teasing each other because they saw many beautiful women. And this makes me feel that there is something wrong when I’m with them.
• In gatherings, I normally engage in conversations with people. I try to connect with them. I gather information or talk about my experiences and I think they do accept me. I want to improve myself by being funny during initial talks with people I meet. I smile a lot, and I think that’s great. However, it’s draining me, but I think I can change this and I can improve more to like people.
• After the graduation practice and gathering with my friends. I’m already super drained to the point that I relied on music to make me feel good. Tired from being patient from the emcee, I had no breakfast, and tired from my seatmate that keeps on nagging. I can see myself that I’m not fond of social gatherings after, I was not energetic, I was moody, I was not funny. Additionally, I can’t wait for my friends to decide where to eat. I really don’t engage with them socially. I was just going with the flow. I tried to keep calm and tell them my opinions where to eat but they were not listening (maybe due to my reputation in the group, since I was from the province, and not achieving well in college, etc.).
• One time, I was alone buying food at a fast food chain. I was very afraid of the people around me. I had no confidence to the point that my hands are shaking a little bit.
• During a boring time in the graduation practice, I was daydreaming that I need/want to engage in a volunteer work that will help me build social interactions where I can really connect with people that have the same interests as me or help me in my social skills.
• As I arrived home, I saw our room with my little sister which is still very messy, especially the dishes. I’m ready to get mad at her (actually, I’m really mad, but I managed to not let my anger out on her since I know she also had many things to do on her day).
• We had a gathering with my friends, playing video games etc. I was not really fulfilled since I wanted more of a way to make a connection and at the same time being productive like exercising, playing sports, swimming, being competitive. However, back in the past, I can recall that I was not present during that time since I was busy or feeling down due to my compulsive behavior.
• Before going to sleep, I had this big urge of wanting to do my compulsive behavior. I can’t sleep, I was laying down in my bed for about an hour but nothing happens. I thought of playing in my phone or doing something such as music or anything that can get my mind of with the urge. In order to make myself comfortable and fall into sleep, I watched YouTube videos that gave me inspiration and listened to Christian music.
• I think I’m great, I just need to take time and improve myself on the areas that I really have an interest in and join with people with the same interest such as in my talents (singing, guitar, piano), healthy living (exercising, jogging, sports), academics, taking the values that I believe in (spirituality, Christianity). Just be yourself and engage in social things that you want to engage in.


Completed: February 10, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:07 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 20: Mastering Your Addiction

Progression of Addiction in My Life, It’s Sustainment and Absence. And Abuse Done to Me

Childhood (about 4 to 7 Years Old)
• I was sexually abused during this time. During nap time after lunch, our maid would passionately kiss me in my room. This session would last for about 20 to 30 mins.
• I was molested as a young child. I grew up giving myself up for the happiness of my mother. She would want me to become the perfect child she wanted me to be. She would spank me for not having high grades, for not behaving well. Maybe she loved me but it was not that appropriate for a child to grow up in a situation like this. Thus, I grew up being a nice person. Forfeiting my needs or wants over other people, to please them.
• Having opened to a sexual behavior as a child, I find pleasure when my “thing” goes hard etc. One time, we had a new beautiful maid, she was very sexy and dresses revealing clothes such as very short shorts and dress and she was sleeping in the sofa. Since I was very curious, I peeped through her shorts and saw small parts of her thing. I know she feels it but she does nothing. Then, one time, I just heard a rumor that she was also abused when she was a teen and so maybe, she also felt pleasure during that time.
• When playing with my playmates, sometimes, I would show my “thing” to them out of nowhere.

Preteen (about 8 to 12 years old)
• This is were I was introduced to masturbating. My classmates would tell me to try jacking off but at first I would not try since I thought they were just making fun of me. But one time, I was alone in the room of my parents, I tried doing that thing and it happened. There were a mixed sense of emotions that I felt pleasure, nervousness, etc. I don’t think there was a compulsive behavior during this time.
• Saw some old DVDs in our house, I tried to play them and saw Porn. I felt very disgusted from it. It was so harsh, so fast, and hardcore. I stopped playing the video then.

Early Teen (about 13 to 16 years old)
• Started looking at pictures of naked women on the internet through my mobile phone. This was the first time I saw a vagina of a woman and their bare breast. It was very pleasurable. For a teen, I don’t know why it felt so good to see this kind of things. I was just going on with the flow of life
• Then, when I was in high school, I started looking at soft core porn. Videos of women undressing, masturbating, highlighting their breast and vaginas. Then it escalated to something worse such as gang bang (different guys, one woman), bukkake, hardcore porn when I was desensitized by the other genres. Porn and masturbation was a way of escape from my stress in school, expectation of my parents, heartbreaks and difficulty in socializing with people.
• Porn and masturbation affected my health so bad that I was very thin, I was afraid or nervous talking to new people and their were acne all over my body. I had no sex appeal to my classmates and I was very thirsty to have girlfriend. Due to these, I experienced many rejections from women I tried to court. Porn use and masturbation intensified.

College (16 to present)
• I moved from my home town (a province up in the north) to a certain town to study college. So much hardships I had to face due to the ongoing problem of my identity, social skills, new environment, habits, etc. I didn’t know that I was overwhelmed during that time. Since I was very emotionless due to my addiction to my compulsive behavior. There were times that I would do it for about 4 to 5 times a day. Additionally, I would not eat the right amount of calories that I need to sustain my body since I was trying to save money from my small allowance in college.
• I imagined of a college life wherein I am a chick magnet. Wherein women would approach me to let me help them in their assignments, etc. etc. However, it was the opposite, women would not want to get close to me maybe due to my appearance, awkwardness and background. Due to these things, I begun to become more dependent on PMO.
• Right now, I already knew that porn was just an escape to me. To my problems and I should face my problems without running away from them. However, due to my heavy use, my body has been get used to PMO use and every time that I fail, it was because of a certain habit that I got used to. I need time to heal from the wounds PMO has given to me, I need to remove the images that got stuck in my brain from the heavy use of porn. I need to become patient and disciplined with the things that I do.

(Edited February 18, 2019)
2.
Considering certain events that would bring pain in my life. Addiction would not be a thing in my life in the future. However, certain situation may occur such as slips or a relapse. Wherein if incase addiction will come back into my life, it would be progressive.

Incase a series of relapse occurs, I will give my life a break to reflect on what is happening and to get back on track. Additionally, I have my journal to release the emotions that I feel that may cause the relapse.


Completed: February 14, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:20 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 21: Monitoring Your Recovery Goals

1. I attempted to have an award in college. I failed due to my lack of knowledge about managing my life, emotions, stress management and lack of social skills. Additionally, due to my compulsive behavior.

I wanted to be a do great in contests when I was in high school. However, I was not able to join them when I was in 3rd year and 4th year because I was left out by my group mate since I was not giving my best in the review.

I attempted to lead my group of friends (be an alpha male in the group). However, due to my lack of social skills and my identity crisis, I was not able to have a shot in that place of leadership.

2. I aimed to have a great grade in one of my subjects in college (it was a research writing subject), I achieved it using my hard work and perseverance and keeping pushing myself to the limit. It was very satisfying since it was from my own doing.

I wanted to graduate from college on time. From the things that I have done, I completed college without any failure. Striving, pushing myself to the limit, etc.

I wanted to gain weight and muscles back then, increasing my weight from 55 kilograms to about 62 kilograms. I achieved my goal by having discipline in exercising and eating the right amount of food.

3. I want to become better with my talents (guitar and singing).

Things that I will do:
• Practice guitar or sing for at least 15 minutes each day.
• Watch videos that will help me promote a better tone of my voice.
• Have inspiration from YouTube cover artists.


Completed: February 20, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 22: Measuring Compulsive Behaviors

I was sick for about 3 days. I think all of my efforts was lost because of that time period that had past. Immediate gratification kicked in and I resorted back to my compulsive behavior. I have relapsed a lot within the past two weeks. I know that I should not let abstinence be the one that will measure my recovery journey but still, it makes me feel so bad. I realized how easily I gave in to my behavior when things go wrong. Sigh..

------------------------------------------

Ritual Measured:
PMO (Pornography, Masturbation, Orgasm)

Primary Elements Involved:
Sensory (Sight), Sensory (Sound), Sensory (Touch), Fantasy, Orgasm, Power

Values Assigned:
Sensory (Sight): 3
Sensory (Sound): 1
Sensory (Touch): 3
Fantasy: 2
Orgasm: 2

Filters Applied:
Sensory (Sight):
*Time: At first, I take time to search for stimulating videos. As time passes, the amount of stimulation I get decreases. Spending too much time to search for the most stimulating video reduces the amount of stimulation I get from it. I’ll give it a “5”.
*Intensity: Progressed through the years, at first, I was looking at simple pictures of women that are in their bikini outfit or topless. Until I went to look for Porn. Then eventually looked for videos that provided me more stimulation (such as POVs, etc.). “9”
*Habituation: I consistently look for videos that give me higher stimulation. “9”

Sensory (Sound):
*Time: Doesn’t really affect my behavior “1”
*Intensity: Adds stimulation whenever there is a voice of a woman that talks while watching the video/ “5”
*Habituation: I don’t look for better voice quality etc. “1”

Sensory (Touch):
*Time: The longer I do this, the better “8”
*Intensity: This gives me so much pleasure. However, there was a time when I was in HS that I did it too much. It was very painful. “9”
*Habituation: Experimented on different ways of providing touch stimulation. Progressed from a simple one up to looking for other means of finding touch stimulation, such as adding lubes etc. “8”

Fantasy:
*Time: It gives me a certain amount of high during a time of fantasizing. However, it decreases as time passes. “7”
*Intensity: Fantasizing on the woman I’m watching provides me higher stimulation. “7”
*Habituation: At first I was satisfied with watching normal porn (a man and a woman having sex). Progressed to looking at POV videos and specialized videos of women talking to the one watching. “9”

Orgasm:
*Time: Doesn’t affect since have no control on orgasm “1”
*Intensity: Provide me that extra feel of stimulation after orgasm. “7”
*Habituation: Just plain orgasm, no change in the habit. “1”

Completed: March 03, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2019 2:27 am 
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Lesson 23: Practical Uses for Measuring

I am experiencing a series of relapses. I am feeling strong urges at this start of the week. Explaining my situation right now (I’m on a break since I just finished college and I’m always at home since I do not have money and I do help in the house chores. I was sick a few weeks ago and have resorted back to my compulsive behavior for the immediate gratification to ease the pain of my sickness. However, I can’t seem to return back to my normal value based living after that disease. Installed a Porn blocker on my phone which I think will help me to force myself to go back to doing things that I value. Any help or suggestions would be very appreciated. I’m really desperate (even slightly frustrated) to remove this behavior in my life since it seems that I was back to square one.

--------------------------

Assessing Behavioral Pattern
This area of recovery would help me assess why I’m doing my behavior mostly when I’m at home or alone. I have a good life considering the life I was born into. My parents can provide well for my education and my needs. There may be some issues in the emotional side but as of now, I have the resources that I need to improve my personality. I am considering boredom as one of the parts of the chain that’s why I’m doing my compulsive behavior. Additionally, I realized that there were times in the past wherein I used women to stabilize my unstable emotions such as when I had used a college girl as a way to remove my stress by showing her traits that I like her even though I don’t (since in return, I get what I want, which was affection and slight care). This happened again with another girl that I met during a training session. This area in recovery will not only help me in the recovery process but will also provide a better understanding on things that I do on certain occasions.


Self Awareness
Whenever I had the urge to do my compulsive behavior, there is something wrong within me that I need to balance with the pleasure that I get from my compulsive behavior. I’m thinking, in the recovery process, goods habits that are not yet ingrained in me would take an effort to do. In this stage, I would need to be self-aware to provide extra effort to fill in the void that has left by my addiction. In this case, I have observed that meditating greatly helps as it focuses me to become self-aware of the decisions that I do throughout the day.

Relapse Prevention
From what I have read, it all comes to the choice of the individual whether or not to engage in the problematic behavioral pattern. However, in my case, coming back from a series of relapses from the past week due to sickness. I’m adding a way that will aid me in my recovery process as I am having a hard time going back to my value-based living pattern. Adding a way to block Porn on my phone would help me. This way, I would force myself to go back into doing the things that I value.


Completed: March 04, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2019 2:46 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 24: Identifying Your Compulsive Elements

1.
• Usually I’m bored scrolling in my newsfeed or surfing the internet.
• There was a strong emotional phase that happened to me (ex. Stress from school, Anger due to conflict with other people or from my parents, Problems in general)
• I can’t think of anything that I want to do to make me happy or to lift my mood up.
• When in bed ready to get sleep, feeling lonely or sad (mixed sad emotion), I resort to my behavior to let me go to sleep.
• When I’m sick. I do it to ease any irritation that I’m feeling or any pain that I’m feeling.
• After pushing myself to the limit (ex, school, work, too many social events, after a drink, exhaustive physical thing).

2.
PMO (Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm) before going to sleep.
Element #1: Alone in the room, getting ready to go to sleep
Element #2: Scrolling my social media account, at some time can be bored or there may be a trigger.
Element #3: Tries to fall asleep, lights off, all quiet.
Element #4: Feeling of loneliness or mixed sad emotions, grabs pillow and hugs them.
Element #5: If the pillows won’t work, would resort to look again at my phone, would search for porn if nothing else would help to go to sleep.
Element #6: Would go to the bathroom when a suitable porn scene was already searched. Would Masturbate.
Element #7: Orgasm, clean up, deleting of history, etc. Would then go to sleep after.

PMO in the bathroom.
Element #1: To cut time, there is a habit of mine to check my social media account in the morning while sitting in the toilet waiting for my demons to come out, haha.
Element #2: When I’m done, it was ingrained of me to look to Porn since the bathroom was the most private room I can get when I was just starting out to watch porn when I was in high school. (I think the habit was ingrained, I only realized this at this time).
Element #3: Would lead to Masturbating and Orgasm.
Element #4: Clean up. Proceeding as nothing happened, would then take a bath after feeling ashamed or bad for what I had done.

PMO after a strong emotional situation happened.
Element #1: A certain event would make me feel so bad or make me feel anything negative (ex. My mom would compare me to other successful people, there was an event in school wherein I would feel down due to some failure, or super stressed after a long week of exams and I need to unwind myself).
Element #2: Would normally try to use other means of making me happy such as playing the guitar, watching a good show, read a book or watch a YouTube video that will make me laugh.
Element #3: However, there are times that these things make me feel lonely since I live alone in my room in a new place and I had not yet made new friends along the place where I stay. This would lead to looking at Porn to make me feel good.
Element #4: Masturbation and Orgasm would then take place.
Element #5: Clean up, clearing history, etc. Would then take a bath to make myself clean, but feeling disgusted with myself and guilty.

Objectifying women when they become close to me (using them in my fantasy)
Element #1: I don’t want to brag but I am above the normal when it comes to looks, haha :w:
Element #2: Whenever confidence strikes me and there is a woman that I can feel would like to get close to me, I would try to talk to them and get close to them.
Element #3: Would then show little signs that I like them or sometimes I would just flirt with them through my messages, etc.
Element #4: If she would return back the signs or would open up to me, then the game is on. I would then use the woman for my benefit such as making me feel loved, making me feel less lonely, making me feel that I am cared off, or would objectify her when she sends photos of her since she already felt open to me and I gained her trust. When things won’t go like this, I would now stop and move on like nothing happened.
Element #5: Would continue until the connection between the two of us is more than just friends, but there would be a time that I will feel guilty of what I am doing if I really don’t like her or when I find out there is an ongoing problem that she is facing that she needs help.
Element #6: Would try to stop the connection or lower the connection but this is difficult and tough to do. The woman would then get hurt and I would feel bad for myself.
Element #7: Would stop messaging her or making in touch with her, and a should be a great friend of mine in the opposite sex would be lost due to my emotional problems.

----------------------
I’m not sure if this thing that I did was correct. I just listed out what I think is the common pattern that I realized from the things that were thought in the workshop. Maybe I have realized that there are more underlying problems of mine instead of just my compulsive behavior. This was really great. :g:

Completed: March 05, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2019 8:46 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 25: Identifying Compulsive Rituals

Compulsive Ritual: Pornography

#1 Saw a triggering photo or video that was posted in social media. Usually a woman with huge breast being objectified or anything that is sexually appealing to me.
#2 Would try to read at the comments who she is or any information regarding her.
#3 Would look for other videos of that woman or stalk her social media account, or search her in the internet.
#4 Would look for scandals of her, or anything sexual, etc. Would fantasize for her.
#5 Since most of the woman that I would see in social media are clean and have no scandals or videos that are more explicit, this would urge me to look for porn that would look like her or has her traits or anything that would satisfy me. Would get an erection, feeling good and manly.
#6 Would masturbate to the porn scene. Orgasm would be next.
#7 Clean up. Cleaning my phone’s browser, keyboard suggested words, etc. Would feel good sometimes, or would feel guilty.

Completed: March 06, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2019 9:47 pm 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 26: Mapping Compulsive Rituals

Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm
#1 After eating lunch, everything is quiet in our house (I’m in a break after finishing college, we have a maid and everything else after eating would be taken care off by her), I’m bored and slightly sleepy.
#2 This feeling would probably make me try to look for a good TV show, or anything that can be done to reduce my boredom.
#3 If there would nothing else to do that will make me feel better, I would go up to my room and try to get some sleep.
#4 I lay in bed, close my eyes for a little bit. Would feel better maybe after laying in bed for about 15 mins.
#5 Still, boredom kicks in and I want to do something.
#6 Would surf the internet, check social media. Play games with my phone etc. While doing these things, I would feel that I’m not doing something productive. Lessens my mood further.
#7 I would have an urge to look at porn, even though I know it would not help and would further make me feel bad after doing it. There would be a fight inside of me whether or not to go to a porn website.
#8 If I look at porn:
a. The initial feeling of satisfaction comes when I already entered a porn site and look at the thumbnails of women naked that would give me the initial erection.
b. Would check the thumbnails for screenshots, taking time to check the woman’s body whether it give me more stimulation (normally I would look whether they have big boobs and if they are beautiful and young adults and if their private parts looks fresh and good like tight, etc., about 18-28 years old).
c. If nothing would satisfy me or give more high to me, I would be slightly frustrated and look for my favorite porn stars that had provided me great satisfaction in the past.
d. Watches videos that I already watched in the past to get that same high, however, I can observe that the more I watch the video over and over again, the feeling of euphoria would become less.
e. If the video of my favorite porn star would not suffice for my satisfaction:
1. Would look for another videos that would that would be more satisfying. Initially I would now be in a state that is impatient.
2. Would look for porn wherein I would get engaged in such as POV’s, JOI’s and VR. Would give me a sense of having a woman with me. Erection becomes stronger and I am more satisfied. Lifts up my mood, and would feel that I’m great, euphoric, just a good high. Would even fantasize that I’m with her in the video, and sometimes I would even talk with the porn woman imaginarily.
f. If the video of my favorite porn star would suffice for my satisfaction:
1. Would skip to the parts that gave me high’s and start to savor them. Looking at their private parts, feeling their connection with me, making myself feeling loved by that woman.
#9 I would then start to Masturbate, fantasizing that the woman is with me, making the things I see in the porn scene that I’m in them. Would feel so much better, would feel much higher.
#10 Sometimes, I would try to last longer, trying to cum just when the man in the POV porn scene ejaculates, I would even imitate what the man does in the porn, such as wiggling his penis which I think makes him last longer, removing the tingling sensation in the penis. I think this is edging. This situation would even further the high that I’m experiencing, playing with myself, making the erect and tingling sensation last longer.
#11 Orgasm. The highest high and the end of all the great things in that certain situation.
#12 Clean up. Feeling of guilt, shame, powerlessness, low self esteem, just negative thoughts kick in. Would try to cheer myself up that there would be still tomorrow and this is just part of the journey but it would only make a small positive impact on me.

Completed: March 07, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 10:00 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 31
Lesson 27: Identifying Compulsive Chains

Now, that I have learned about a compulsive chain. I identify now that Porn and Masturbation have become a compulsive chain for me. They are different compulsive rituals that I have engaged in. I now realize that sometime in the past as I am trying to remove this behavior through abstinence, I get to watch porn and not masturbate (since I thought that, not masturbating would solve my problem). However, now, I realized that each of them has their own different manifestation of their own dopamine high that they give to me. I think the previous post can already be associated with the exercise in this lesson. :pe:

March 08, 2019

------------

Uuhhhmm, guys, I have trouble sleeping lately this week. Any suggestion that can help me go to sleep well? I tried listening to piano music, relaxing music, meditation music, watching videos on YouTube, etc. However, the only thing that worked for me was to get myself so tired by exercising or doing tedious work so that I would literally fall to sleep by being tired (well, this is not really helpful since my body would be sore when I woke up in the morning). Any help would be really appreciated. :g:

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2019 7:00 am 
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Posts: 31
Lesson 28: Developing Compulsive Chains

1.
#1 Feeling tired of life after eating lunch. I was longing to have my alone time since for the whole weekend, I was giving my all to make people laugh. To communicate properly with them, just a tiring weekend. I was also tired from a bicycle ride yesterday, additionally, I was not able to do the thing that my father was asking me to do and had a bit of bad mood on me due to it.
#2 Was feeling bored, so I went upstairs to try to fall asleep. However, saw a post about Pornhub regarding how much porn women watch and looked at the comments section for women who where tagged. Looked at their profiles and was fond at searching for a beautiful woman that was hot and enticing to my sight.
#3 Had a battle in my mind whether to open a porn site. I already knew that if I open a porn site it would lead to a relapse. I knew that I had a choice. But I proceeded anyway since I was very bored and bad mood kicked in.
#4 Have done my normal routine of looking at currently hot videos, looked for porn stars that are satisfying to watch. Again, it was really clear in my mind that I can still stop this and just go to sleep and have some rest. However, at a certain point wherein I found a porn star with a scene that was very enticing to me. I proceeded to the next behavior which is Masturbation.
#5 Masturbated, tried to last long. Felt the high from masturbating and feeling the rubbing sensation. Used a lotion as a lubricant to have a better sensation.
#6 Orgasmed. Climaxed. Feeling of ecstasy.
#7 Clean up. Etc. Feeling okay. Felt angry. Was feeling mad, bad words were coming out of my mouth, was very irritated.
#8 Proceeded to sleep. Woke up, feeling agitated again. Bad words were coming out of my mouth again. Proceeded to take a bath since it was very hot. The mood was very low.

2.
I can add VR porn to heighten the fantasy and make it more realistic.
I can add earphones and listen to the moans and the instructions provided by the porn star.
I can use a better lubricant to add more sensation.
I can use a sex toy (homemade) to provide a better sensation while masturbating.


Completed: March 12, 2019

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"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:13 am
Posts: 31
Lesson 29: The Role of Emotions

A. Emotions and Thoughts

Relaxed – Right now, I’m feeling relaxed, since there is nothing much that is going on in the house. A very minimal amount of stress from the external surroundings. Just peace and quiet.

Boredom – Since, nothing much is happening right now, and my friends were not on a break like me, I’m feeling a bit bored from the routine that I am in right now. The repetitive schedule that I have every day is somehow boring. I feel the need to have an adventure or add something new to my routine.

Happiness – I recalled a time wherein I was very happy with my friends, laughing and doing crazy stuff with them just like we were kids. Additionally, I had that sense of joy when I recalled a thought of a woman I certainly like back then when we were hanging out.

Pleasure – As I thought of a compulsive ritual that I engaged in, I felt great pleasure since the feelings that I experience when I engage in was ecstatic. It makes me feel good even when the outside circumstances are bad and stressful.

Excitement – Additional feeling that I experienced when I thought of the compulsive ritual that I engage in. However, I also recalled that in the past, I was excited to get up each morning because it is a new opportunity to learn something new, gain new experience, to have fun, etc.

B. Anxiety

I recall that when I was in college, there were many nights that I was anxious because of the thought that I was not giving my best in studying and learning about life. I am comparing myself to my other classmates in college as well as in high school that were excelling.

The least anxious was when I’m actually doing something that leads to my self-improvement. Especially when things are going great and external situations are in line with what I want to happen.

_________________
"I Think For The Most Part If You're Really Honest With Yourself About What You Want Out of Life, Life Gives It To You" - Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)


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 Post subject: Re: Dan's Recovery
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 7:32 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3809
Location: UK
Hello Dan
it has been a little while since you last received any comment
so:
you have done some good work in your lessons but as you admit through constant slips /relapses your progress has been minimal
perhaps
Quote:
I identify now that Porn and Masturbation have become a compulsive chain for me. They are different compulsive rituals that I have engaged in. I now realize that sometime in the past as I am trying to remove this behavior through abstinence, I get to watch porn and not masturbate (since I thought that, not masturbating would solve my problem). However, now, I realized that each of them has their own different manifestation of their own dopamine high that they give to me.


will resonate to your core and provide that impetus to really kick on

I do hope so,

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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