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Dan's Recovery
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Author:  DanRecovers [ Tue Mar 26, 2019 1:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Hi! It's been a while since I last posted.

Thank you, Coach Enzo! For the words that you have provided. I realized from the past week or so, that this battle was very internal. The very small choices that you are given really do count on the recovery journey. No matter what happens, it all comes back to you.


-------------------


Lesson 31: Emotional Balance and Stability

A.
Had a hard time dealing with my dad – moderate
Physical Exhaustion due to exercise – moderate
Feeling of loneliness – severe
Pushing myself to play a computer game (had done this due to the bad feeling produced by a relapse, have learned my lesson) – moderate
Boredom – Mild
Stress after studying some piano lessons (pushed myself just like the one from playing computer, this was due to a relapse) – Mild
Feeling of a cycled life due to taking lessons (learning, reading, improving myself) - Mild

B. Some of my energy was used in doing unnecessary things such as playing the computer. Other things lead to my list of values that I listed.

C. Yes, I do value my physical health. And my own well being. My own personality and character. Almost all the things that I do proceeds to my personal growth.

Author:  DanRecovers [ Tue Mar 26, 2019 1:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Lesson 32: Evolving Your Practical Values

A.
Reviewing my 15 values, my progress with each of them had been minimal. Even though I do the baby steps, honestly, after a day or 2 after doing them, I get distracted. At most per day, I only tackle about 5 values. I need to put more effort in this. Abstinence is not recovery.

Additionally, I can assess that I am a perfectionist. These make me go all out one day and then become burnt tomorrow due to the workload that I put in my schedule. I become overwhelmed, and I need to be patient to make the habits to be ingrained in my self.

Some of the positive things that I made to accomplish:
Finished a book of piano lessons and I’m going to continue learning the piano.
Currently in week 2 on an exercise app on my phone.
Gained about a kilo of muscle.
Fewer pimples.
Been drinking more water.
Had fights with my family members, but I am getting to know them more (there’s no perfect family)
Started reviewing.
Had done things for the family.

Finished: March 19, 2019

Author:  DanRecovers [ Tue Mar 26, 2019 1:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Lesson 33: Developing Emotional Maturity

March 21, 2019 (Thursday)

Grumpy – As I wake up in the morning, I have this feeling of grumpiness and irritation. Maybe because I can’t get the comfort in my sleep that I am looking at. Or maybe it was because there is no excitement that I feel for the rest of my day.

Nervous – I had my driver’s license exam today. I know I have reviewed the reviewer well. However, I am being nervous that I can’t pass the exam. Additionally, I keep comparing myself to other people since many of them pass without having to go into college, etc. I am great, however, this has been my problem since I was a child, I need to make be confident.

Anxiety – I got my driver’s license today, so I decided to take our new car for a drive. However, I was very anxious that I might hit something that may scratch the car, etc. The thought was so strong that I was peeing every about 10 minutes to remove the adrenaline in my blood.

Exhaustion – I can say that I had new experiences this day that made me feel different emotions. As the day ends, I feel this strong sense of exhaustion.


March 22, 2019 (Friday)

Grumpy – Grumpy again as I woke up. I need to deal with life again. I need to do the things that my parents had tasked me to do. There’s nothing exciting with these things so maybe this caused me to feel this feeling.

Bored/Unmotivated – After doing the tasks that I did. I just lay down on my bed and scrolled on my Facebook account. It was very unproductive. For an hour I was just lying there doing nothing but looking at my newsfeed. After that, I slept again for about 2 hours.

Irritated – Waking up in the afternoon, it was very hot and humid that I’m heavily sweating. I was very grumpy since I need to do another task for the family.

Hyped – I don’t know why, but at about 6 PM, I tried to exercise by jogging up and down our staircase. After this, it was very refreshing. I’m feeling hyped, happy, just a sense of joy.

March 23, 2019 (Saturday)

Engaged – As we attended our little brother’s event in school. I feel engaged with the things that happened. I wanted to participate more in the community. I wanted to have an engagement with the community.

Irritated – In the afternoon, me and my mom went to a nearby city in order to check on our sick relative. However, public transportation was very uncomfortable because it was so hot and packed with people.

Shocked – I didn’t expect the condition of our relative in the hospital. It was very shocking. I didn’t even know what to do.

Tired – The day ended. I was very tired. Many things happened this day.


March 24, 2019 (Sunday)

Bored – Woke up early since my mom planned that we should have to do something. However, it was already 10 AM and nothing is happening. She decided not to push through to the plan.

Very bored – I didn’t know what to do, at 10 AM, I was just blank. It was very boring. I and my little brother played a mobile game for a while, but it does not do anything well. Tried to play the piano but I was not in the mood to do it.

Fun – We played in the afternoon with my little brother at an entertainment shop in the mall. I think it was his first time. He was very happy and I had fun playing with him. It was very productive since I felt that we had a real connection.

Confident – My father had to go to the hospital in the evening to have his blood pressure checked up. It was already late and he was not at home. Used the other car to go to the hospital and this made me feel very confident on myself since I can already do things on my own. I also managed to have good parking in the hospital. A huge confidence boost.


March 25, 2019 (Monday)

Productive – Went with my dad at the hospital for a follow up check up. While waiting for him, used my free time reading ebooks in my phone. Went home, review my little brother for his upcoming examination. Played with him during his break.

Confused/Irritated – I don’t know what’s this negative feeling that I’m feeling. Since I slept late last evening due to the incident with my dad, I started to feel sleepy after eating lunch. I planned to take a short nap, but instead, it became a 2-3 hours sleep. As I woke up, I had this regret/resentful feeling because of the time that I had consumed sleeping should be used for other productive things such as exercising.

Feeling Okay/Neutral – My little brother decided to play again at the entertainment shop. I had enough of the fun there and it feels just okay to play. It was an okay experience.

Energetic/Horny/Hyped – Before going to sleep. I decided to take the room wherein I can be alone. However, I was very energetic and I can’t go to sleep just yet. I decided to play the piano and it helped. As I tried to go to sleep again, thoughts of Porn came into my mind maybe due to my excess energy.


March 26, 2019 (Tuesday)

Productive – As I woke up, I decided to do an exercise routine. It was very productive. I gave my all in the exercise and my muscles hurt but I was satisfied since it was for myself.

After this, I decided to eat. Went to my normal routine. As I was going to take a bath, things started to go bad. I am already at my 10th day of becoming free from PMO but again, I made the wrong choice. I had excess energy, I was very horny. I recalled having crossed my point of no return of watching Porn and my heartbeat was very fast.

I was very confused. I’m so sad after doing PMO. I’m feeling resentful. I wanted to take my life, I wanted to quit this journey. I thought this was it. I thought I would have found the light and continue to live a clean life. It was the most days that I had been free from the addiction. However, I realized, I should forgive myself from what I had done. Well, it was life. I had made the wrong decision. I need to start again. And learn from that mistake, from the very small decision that I took. And then, I need to take the right action next time I would face that event again.

Author:  DanRecovers [ Tue Oct 22, 2019 9:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Hi!

I'm trying to get back on track on my Recovery Journey. Back then, I decided to use my time to review for my licensure exam for engineers. The road toward that license was tough. Specially I have not yet fully recovered. During those times, I can go for as long as 3 weeks without Porn, Masturbation and Orgasm, trying to manage my stress coming from the review. But now, I'm proud to tell you guys that I passed the engineering licensure exam. :w:

May I have some of your thoughts on how can I continue my Recovery Journey? Thank you in advance!

Author:  DanRecovers [ Sun Nov 03, 2019 10:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

I was wrong...

I returned to the previous lessons and I realized that I was battling this battle with sheer will power back when I was reviewing for my licensure exam. During the first few months of my review, I was trying to balance out my values such as socializing with my friends, eating healthy, doing things that I do really like such as my hobbies (playing guitar, going out, exercising, etc.), talking to my family and reviewing for my exam. However, after about a month, I relapsed from so much stress and things started to go back to square one.

Stress from the review and the lifestyle that I was living at that time made me go back to my old ways (though I could have chosen to take these obstacles as a way to further my recovery, but I know that my foundation was still weak and I need to work on it for now). The habits and values that I needed to cope up from my life was not yet ingrained much for me making me lose my balance and the foundation that I had easily crumbled. I was imagining my life back during the last month of my review. I was reviewing from 8 AM up to 8 PM, and I was doing that thing for 6 days a week. I know that I don't want that life back then, I don't want that kind of lifestyle, but I feel I needed to keep on reviewing to gain that license for my engineering degree.

Honestly, while waiting for the results, anxiety, nervousness, and all other weird emotions started to go through me. I had made the wrong decisions at that time. I decided to mask all the emotions that I felt by binging to Porn Masturbation and Orgasm. My life was a disaster at that time. I'm going back to focus on myself and defining my values again.

Author:  Theseus1112 [ Mon Nov 04, 2019 3:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Hi Dan,

Quote:
I was reviewing from 8 AM up to 8 PM, and I was doing that thing for 6 days a week.


It sounds like you had swapped one addiction for another, and that is usually a recipe for relapse.
Remember you are looking for a balanced lifestyle.

You do need to stop and assess what has happened over the last couple of months and look at them in conjunction with your values and boundaries. Look at where you went wrong and see where you can improve.
This programme is all about assessing your life and being proactive. Even slips can be turned into a positive if you gain some insight, so they do not happen again. :g:

Author:  Kenzo [ Mon Nov 04, 2019 2:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Hi Dan
Quote:
May I have some of your thoughts on how can I continue my Recovery Journey?

firstly get serious ,really serious choose what you really want in your life and commit to ridding yourself of the destructive traits that you choose to be free from
then follow the great advice made by Theseus

Is recovery easy? IIF
but in the long run life without addiction is so much easier , rewarding and fulfilling than the alternative
choose now and get on with it

Author:  DanRecovers [ Tue Nov 05, 2019 3:17 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Thank you, Coach Kenzo and Theseus

Yes, I have evaluated my life in the past few months. It was not what I want. It was not how I imagined it to be. I was spending my time on just one value that I'm clinging on to, which was to past my licensure exam. Though I passed it, I don't feel much of the fulfillment that I would have instead, if have been living healthy at that time....
I have degraded so much, the cost of me passing the exam was my physical health and emotional health. I've made the wrong choice pressuring myself that my family and the people around me would be so much disappointed in me if I failed my exam.

Right now, I'm reviewing my recovery lessons. Reevaluating my values and my life's meaning. Recovery is a serious thing and takes time. I know I can't focus on another stressful event or chapter in my life like that exam if I really wanted to recover properly. All this information in the workshop would be nonsense if none of it would be applied in my life.

Regards,
Dan

Author:  DanRecovers [ Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

I was reflecting on my life for the past few days...

My life right now is not how I want it to be. I'm staying all day at my parent's house as I have been assigned to do the house chores. I'm alone from 8 AM to 5 PM in the afternoon. I'm not having healthy and meaningful communication with people around me. I'm having responsibilities that I don't want to have. I feel shackled and have no control over my life.

In the afternoon, I do some bodyweight exercises and reread the lessons on Recovery Nation. I also play my guitar which gives me some sort of release from the life that I have right now.

However, I feel very tired of this lifestyle already. I want to change. I do feel good for doing something for my family, however, this is not healthy for me. I need to connect with people. I need to talk to people and to expand my social circle.
Additionally, I want to have some means to have money for myself. I want to break free and I want to do the things that I want to do. I do know my parents are providing, but I want to pursue my interests.

Though my parents would want to let me study more on a degree that I would be willing to pursue (which is a good thing and an opportunity given only to some people), I feel bound and caged. I feel that I want to break free of my lifestyle. I want to go out and have my adventure. Though I may be feeling this emotion due to the reason that I am alone at home and have no one to talk to.

I just don't know what to do... But I need to do something.

Author:  DanRecovers [ Thu Nov 14, 2019 12:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Dan's Recovery

Time for Myself...
Reflection...
Journalling...


I exercised and jogged the past few days early in the morning. It was very enlightening and provided me so much relaxation. It provided me time to reflect on my life and do things that will lead to change.

I am lonely. And yesterday, I was having a great chat with my relatives. I was really sharing what I'm into. That I have problems with what career to take and the path to take in life. After telling that, they were kind enough to share their insights. I really felt that I am connecting slowly with them.

For now, I am still reviewing my previous lessons, I do have forgotten some important aspects of a healthy life.

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