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|Author:||DanRecovers [ Tue Mar 26, 2019 1:34 am ]|
|Post subject:||Re: Dan's Recovery|
Hi! It's been a while since I last posted.
Thank you, Coach Enzo! For the words that you have provided. I realized from the past week or so, that this battle was very internal. The very small choices that you are given really do count on the recovery journey. No matter what happens, it all comes back to you.
Lesson 31: Emotional Balance and Stability
Had a hard time dealing with my dad – moderate
Physical Exhaustion due to exercise – moderate
Feeling of loneliness – severe
Pushing myself to play a computer game (had done this due to the bad feeling produced by a relapse, have learned my lesson) – moderate
Boredom – Mild
Stress after studying some piano lessons (pushed myself just like the one from playing computer, this was due to a relapse) – Mild
Feeling of a cycled life due to taking lessons (learning, reading, improving myself) - Mild
B. Some of my energy was used in doing unnecessary things such as playing the computer. Other things lead to my list of values that I listed.
C. Yes, I do value my physical health. And my own well being. My own personality and character. Almost all the things that I do proceeds to my personal growth.
|Author:||DanRecovers [ Tue Mar 26, 2019 1:35 am ]|
|Post subject:||Re: Dan's Recovery|
Lesson 32: Evolving Your Practical Values
Reviewing my 15 values, my progress with each of them had been minimal. Even though I do the baby steps, honestly, after a day or 2 after doing them, I get distracted. At most per day, I only tackle about 5 values. I need to put more effort in this. Abstinence is not recovery.
Additionally, I can assess that I am a perfectionist. These make me go all out one day and then become burnt tomorrow due to the workload that I put in my schedule. I become overwhelmed, and I need to be patient to make the habits to be ingrained in my self.
Some of the positive things that I made to accomplish:
Finished a book of piano lessons and I’m going to continue learning the piano.
Currently in week 2 on an exercise app on my phone.
Gained about a kilo of muscle.
Been drinking more water.
Had fights with my family members, but I am getting to know them more (there’s no perfect family)
Had done things for the family.
Finished: March 19, 2019
|Author:||DanRecovers [ Tue Mar 26, 2019 1:39 am ]|
|Post subject:||Re: Dan's Recovery|
Lesson 33: Developing Emotional Maturity
March 21, 2019 (Thursday)
Grumpy – As I wake up in the morning, I have this feeling of grumpiness and irritation. Maybe because I can’t get the comfort in my sleep that I am looking at. Or maybe it was because there is no excitement that I feel for the rest of my day.
Nervous – I had my driver’s license exam today. I know I have reviewed the reviewer well. However, I am being nervous that I can’t pass the exam. Additionally, I keep comparing myself to other people since many of them pass without having to go into college, etc. I am great, however, this has been my problem since I was a child, I need to make be confident.
Anxiety – I got my driver’s license today, so I decided to take our new car for a drive. However, I was very anxious that I might hit something that may scratch the car, etc. The thought was so strong that I was peeing every about 10 minutes to remove the adrenaline in my blood.
Exhaustion – I can say that I had new experiences this day that made me feel different emotions. As the day ends, I feel this strong sense of exhaustion.
March 22, 2019 (Friday)
Grumpy – Grumpy again as I woke up. I need to deal with life again. I need to do the things that my parents had tasked me to do. There’s nothing exciting with these things so maybe this caused me to feel this feeling.
Bored/Unmotivated – After doing the tasks that I did. I just lay down on my bed and scrolled on my Facebook account. It was very unproductive. For an hour I was just lying there doing nothing but looking at my newsfeed. After that, I slept again for about 2 hours.
Irritated – Waking up in the afternoon, it was very hot and humid that I’m heavily sweating. I was very grumpy since I need to do another task for the family.
Hyped – I don’t know why, but at about 6 PM, I tried to exercise by jogging up and down our staircase. After this, it was very refreshing. I’m feeling hyped, happy, just a sense of joy.
March 23, 2019 (Saturday)
Engaged – As we attended our little brother’s event in school. I feel engaged with the things that happened. I wanted to participate more in the community. I wanted to have an engagement with the community.
Irritated – In the afternoon, me and my mom went to a nearby city in order to check on our sick relative. However, public transportation was very uncomfortable because it was so hot and packed with people.
Shocked – I didn’t expect the condition of our relative in the hospital. It was very shocking. I didn’t even know what to do.
Tired – The day ended. I was very tired. Many things happened this day.
March 24, 2019 (Sunday)
Bored – Woke up early since my mom planned that we should have to do something. However, it was already 10 AM and nothing is happening. She decided not to push through to the plan.
Very bored – I didn’t know what to do, at 10 AM, I was just blank. It was very boring. I and my little brother played a mobile game for a while, but it does not do anything well. Tried to play the piano but I was not in the mood to do it.
Fun – We played in the afternoon with my little brother at an entertainment shop in the mall. I think it was his first time. He was very happy and I had fun playing with him. It was very productive since I felt that we had a real connection.
Confident – My father had to go to the hospital in the evening to have his blood pressure checked up. It was already late and he was not at home. Used the other car to go to the hospital and this made me feel very confident on myself since I can already do things on my own. I also managed to have good parking in the hospital. A huge confidence boost.
March 25, 2019 (Monday)
Productive – Went with my dad at the hospital for a follow up check up. While waiting for him, used my free time reading ebooks in my phone. Went home, review my little brother for his upcoming examination. Played with him during his break.
Confused/Irritated – I don’t know what’s this negative feeling that I’m feeling. Since I slept late last evening due to the incident with my dad, I started to feel sleepy after eating lunch. I planned to take a short nap, but instead, it became a 2-3 hours sleep. As I woke up, I had this regret/resentful feeling because of the time that I had consumed sleeping should be used for other productive things such as exercising.
Feeling Okay/Neutral – My little brother decided to play again at the entertainment shop. I had enough of the fun there and it feels just okay to play. It was an okay experience.
Energetic/Horny/Hyped – Before going to sleep. I decided to take the room wherein I can be alone. However, I was very energetic and I can’t go to sleep just yet. I decided to play the piano and it helped. As I tried to go to sleep again, thoughts of Porn came into my mind maybe due to my excess energy.
March 26, 2019 (Tuesday)
Productive – As I woke up, I decided to do an exercise routine. It was very productive. I gave my all in the exercise and my muscles hurt but I was satisfied since it was for myself.
After this, I decided to eat. Went to my normal routine. As I was going to take a bath, things started to go bad. I am already at my 10th day of becoming free from PMO but again, I made the wrong choice. I had excess energy, I was very horny. I recalled having crossed my point of no return of watching Porn and my heartbeat was very fast.
I was very confused. I’m so sad after doing PMO. I’m feeling resentful. I wanted to take my life, I wanted to quit this journey. I thought this was it. I thought I would have found the light and continue to live a clean life. It was the most days that I had been free from the addiction. However, I realized, I should forgive myself from what I had done. Well, it was life. I had made the wrong decision. I need to start again. And learn from that mistake, from the very small decision that I took. And then, I need to take the right action next time I would face that event again.
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