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 Post subject: Eunoia's recovery thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2020 9:55 pm 

Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 10:27 am
Posts: 2
Lesson one

Where am I with regard to commitment

One trait of character I have in effect chosen not to develop is commitment. Aside from porn (and I’m certain it relates), I don’t follow through on pretty much everything. From entertaining things like finishing books or tv series, to the many projects I pick up, to my education, and to more meaningful things like relationships of all types… it is a strong pattern in my life that I have made choices that avoid commitment. I can get things done, but in many cases it is usually from the last minute stress to pull something off because of essential need. This relates to my indulgence of what I want to do at every changing moment. This is very apparent in porn use, but is seen in other aspects of my life as well. I’ll extend great amounts of energy into making something ‘perfect’, but these details usually involve more or less superficial things rather than things I can actually handle and have time for. My perception of commitment is likely also distorted. Commitment has nothing to do with being perfect or great amounts of energy. It is just dedicating the self to something or someone.

Guilt / shame

Guilt and shame play a significant role in my life. I’ve easily accepted this as a part of indulging urges, fantasy thinking and, behavior that I do not like. I know it feeds my cycle of ever increasing obsession and addiction. I do something I don't like. I feel shameful about it. I don't like feeling shameful, so I take the easy way out by burying that emotion with more behavior I don't like. It's madness. How about I actually stop doing the behaviors I don't like and that produce shame! The task at hand is how to convert this toward the way I really want to live my life.

Time to heal

I want immediate gratification in most all things. Whether it is with driving and being frustrated with slow drivers, to the high of new things or relationships, to the instant discovery that creates recovery. I don’t give myself time, but really there is a lack of something connected to this. I wish to. This wish isn’t desire or want. I think it speaks to something more essential that I avoid addressing.

10-15 reasons to change

I wish to live an honest and character driven life for myself and the people I care about.
I wish to follow through and remain committed to tasks, projects, and relationships.
I wish to connect with trusted others with affection, charity, and openness.
I wish to develop the undeveloped parts of myself.
I wish to bring order and goodness into my life and spread it around me.
I wish to feel good about myself and get genuine satisfaction from who I am and what I do.
I wish to be mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy.
I wish to contribute to things that are more than myself.
I wish to do things with confidence, clarity, and purpose.
I wish to maintain focus on the things I want in life and need to do.
I wish to simplify the things that need simplifying in my life.
I wish to communicate clearly and with sincerity to the people in my life.
I wish to ask for help when needed and to give help where I can.
I wish to have an organized personal physical space as well as mental space.
I wish to exert the appropriate energy toward tasks and commitments.
I wish to only make promises that I can and do keep.
I wish to embrace and develop the talents I have.

Looking at the child that is me...

Well, I've avoided this one. Finding a picture was easy enough. But actually facing that child wasn't something I wanted to do. But there is another part of me, that knows I've been neglecting both this young boy, the experiences he had, and the person and life I've made. I see goodness in him, innocence, gentleness, and a fondness for life. The picture is one with my older sister and I see it in her too. This actually brings more emotion up for me. Perhaps because she had it worse, perhaps because that relationship would become fractured growing up. I feel a loss of what I could have accomplished for this boy. I feel that I betrayed him. I feel that I threw away living life for false illusions that provide instant feel good chemicals. I feel that he became isolated and withdrawn. I feel like I want to do better by him.

PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 10:57 pm 

Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 10:27 am
Posts: 2
Lesson 2

Establishing a Healthy Vision for My Life

My vision for myself is to fully engage with others and the various parts of my life. In this, I seek to communicate openly and honestly, specifically to those I value. I want to recognize the value others give to me and to freely give the same. I wish to reach toward God, something that is much more than myself, through my acts toward others, meeting my responsibilities with gratitude, and by giving nourishment to my potential and the divine intent that rests within me. I wish to for my life and my legacy to provide order from disorder. I seek to achieve health, to the best of my most sincere abilities. I seek to continually develop my sincerity by actively looking at and addressing the things I’d rather ignore and deny. I seek an unflinching will that brings my vision into reality. I seek to put my thoughts, efforts, and energy into the things that create growth for myself and that may be of benefit for others.

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