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PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 11:07 am 

Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2018 5:09 am
Posts: 4
Lesson 1 Exercises:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
    This is an eye opening concept for me, the act of committing yourself to change is a deliberate and active process not a passive one. In all my previous attempts to beat my porn/masturbation addiction I was too focused on abstinence instead of taking a health first approach and my commitment was not absolute and sincere. I was just trying to escape my addiction instead of trying to change my lifestyle.

    I feel like I have a better understanding of the commitment and motivation required to change. I have a better understanding of the lifestyle changes required to sustain a permanent change. The need to match your actions to your values is crucial. I feel like I am ready to go through the ups and downs of a recovery process.

    Not too focused on abstinence, more focus on building the commitment and motivation required to successfully recover and understand the role of values.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

    I had a very soothing moment a few days back when I lay in bed at night just before falling asleep when I had finally seem to realise the important of accepting your past, being kind to yourself and not being too hard on yourself for your past actions. I felt as if a big load had been lifted off my heart and my heart felt warmer and kinder.
    That kind of negative chatter doesn't help anyways and my mind seems to have gotten a better understanding as to why that is. So I am more kinder towards myself in general these days so that seems to have helped me begin the process of forgiving myself. My past is what it is, I can't help it. What I can do is learn from it and not let it get in the way of real change.

    The constant negative chatter inside my head about my past seems to have died down and given way to an acceptance and empathy towards myself.

    The key is to accept your past and forgive yourself. Kindness towards self goes a long way

3) allowing yourself time to change.

    Establishing a successful foundation for change is a very deliberate and time consuming change, currently the initial rush of recovery is keeping me going but I am expecting that to subside at some point as it happens naturally.

    So I do understand that this is quite a time consuming and effort oriented process, abstinence while important is not the be all and end all of a successful recovery/transition process. So giving yourself a long rope and allowing yourself plenty of time to build a successful foundation is crucial.

    I have found that going through the lessons slowly, word by word and sentence by sentence is helping me understand the sub-text beneath the lessons.

    Similarly the process of change itself will take time, just like reading the lessons and doing the exercises will take time. This is something that I will have to internalise. I don't have a realistic expectation of recovery at this point and I am not too concerned about maintaining abstinence or trying to estimate how long this will take.

    Let it take however long it take, let me keep the momentum going by finishing a few lessons per week, reading the lesson material, reflecting upon it and doing the exercises with complete honesty and commitment.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positive. Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones

    I want to live a more emotionally fulfilling life.
    I want to connect with the people around me for real. Not just be a clown and engage in small talk.
    I want to really talk to people without any inhibitions or hiding anything.
    I want to live my life without anything to hide.
    I want to look everyone in the eye and smile at them and be myself.
    I want to rediscover my true personality around women.
    I want to enjoy female company without feeling like I am being judged or looked down upon.
    I want to be relaxed around women in general.
    I want to have the energy and time to pursue my hobbies and interests.
    I want to have the peace of mind of a person who has lived a life of integrity.
    I want to have more vitality in my day to day life
C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:

Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old — but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence — something that is very hard to do through memory alone.

Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.
If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread.

    This was quite an intense experience for me, what I realised was that..
    As a child I was pretty happy go lucky, hard working, fun kid.
    I used to give my best effort at everything and be good to everyone and loved to have fun and talk to people.
    I was a little bit shy but I opened up once I got to know people.
    I had nothing to hide, I used to enjoy school, have fun and play as hard as I can during PT periods.
    Enjoyed after school and co-curricular activities, I used to be curious, intelligent and hard-working.
    I used to love sticking my tongue out for photos lol
    I used to love eating ice cream at mother diary and go out to parks near my home and play with my friends.
    Loved learning the keyboard and loved music in general. Loved playing cricket and had fun with the kids I used to play with.
    That child lost its way somewhere and got into a life of frustration, anger, negativity and despair. This was partly because of the lack of support from family and me not knowing how to ask for help to friends.
    I am now fully accepting my past, taking responsibility for my actions and working to return to my true values and live a healthy, meaningful life in accordance with my values.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 6:56 pm 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 308
Not too focused on abstinence, more focus on building the commitment and motivation required to successfully recover and understand the role of values.

Indeed, recovery receives a facelift when we stop counting the days abstinent and instead start counting the benefits we get from choosing health.

So with that, welcome to RN!

The circumstances which bring you here may indeed be unique, but the path you will take to recover from them is not. What am I saying? You’re not alone and recovery is possible.
Your firm commitment to your life beyond addiction will make all the difference—don’t forget that it is your choice. So if health is what you want, then commit to yourself with conviction and complete the exercises with absolute honesty. The path is long and hard, but it has been done countless times before you.
Although we recommend completing around 3 lessons a week, we encourage you to read or post daily. That being said, recovery is not a race and it’s important to go a pace with which your body and mind can safely handle—many believe recovery to be a journey, not a destination.
If you find yourself challenged or have questions with one of the lessons, utilize the help forum as help is readily available.
Coaches and Mentors are likely to drop by occasionally. If they don’t, no worries, it’s generally a good sign that you’re on the right path.

Be well,


PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 5:42 pm 

Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2018 5:09 am
Posts: 4
Thanks Anon523!

Appreciate your response and I will take all the help I can get.
This recovery workshop really is kicking my ass and getting me to think about myself and my thoughts, actions and mindset in a way I didn't before so that is really encouraging.
It is really helping me view this recovery as an opportunity rather than something I am going through to avoid the consequences of my addictions.

One interesting thing I noticed is that I am getting a lot of insights into how I have been managing my life when I read through the contents of the workshop I keep getting these wonderful little insights that are very practical, really enjoying the toughness of this workshop, it really makes you take a deep look at yourself.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 5:48 pm 

Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2018 5:09 am
Posts: 4
Recovery Workshop: Lesson Two
Establishing a Healthy Vision for Your Life

Lesson 2 Exercises:
A. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy. Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing. One that, as you someday look back upon your life, will allow you to feel proud of the person that you developed into. Of the life that you led.

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

Note: This is my first attempt at writing a life vision so I just wanted to get something out that got out the broader points of my vision. I will be working on improving this to add more depth over time.

    I want to live a life where I am being my authentic self, where I am not saddled by my deficiencies but I am mindful of them and working on improving myself while not hating myself for having deficiencies.

    I want to live a life where I appreciate the people around me, recognise them for their individuality, get to know them for who they are, not judge them for who they are

    I want to live a life where I am in tune with my friends and family, respectful of them in good times and bad times, not get my anger/frustration/disappointment get the better of me during tough times in my interactions with them.

    Develop intimate and close relationships with my friends and not just have surface level conversations. I actually want to talk to them about myself and ask them for help if I need it.

    I want to have lived a life where I was aware of my demons but not defined myself by them

    I want to life my life with a spirit of never giving up, always putting in a solid effort, fighting my internal demons that get in the way but not judging myself for having these demons inside of me.

    I want to live a life where I don't treat women based on how they look, don't define women by their looks, recognise their individuality and respect/appreciate them for who they are.

    I want to live a life where I am kind to myself during tough times and appreciative and filled with gratitude and positivity during good times.

    I want to get out of the bubble of myself and help my friends and really be there for them and have fun with them.

    I want to recognise tough and sad times for what they are, vital for growth and an opportunity to get through a tough obstacle and get through to the other side a better and more well rounded person and not as something to suffer through.

    I want to live a life where I don't feel like I am hiding from people my true self

    I want to live a life where I value the camaraderie and friendship of my friend and also the support and love my family provides.

    I want to live a life where I don't run away from intimacy or relationships anymore.

    I want to live a life where I have processed my past and not be defined by it or define my future by it.

    I want to live a life where my fear of failure/fear of rejection/anxiety don't cripple me and I can fight through them and enjoy the life that I deserve.

PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 6:25 am 

Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2018 5:09 am
Posts: 4
Lesson Three: The Role of Values

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.

If you feel you need some guidance as to what you are looking for, or for examples of how to list each item, see this example values list.

C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:

1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.

1. Authenticity
2. Mindfulness
3. Self-Improvement/Growth
4. Self-Respect
5. Appreciation for the people around me
6. Intimacy
7. Emotional Stability
8. Calmness
9. Closeness with friends and family
10. Sharing about myself
11. Interested in the people around me
12. Not judging people around me for personal quirks, behaviours, habits
13. Not judging people for their tastes in music, film, art or anything subjective
14. Positive self-image
15. Positive internal mindset/thoughts
16. Being kind to self inspite of previous setbacks
17. Being positive in thoughts and mindset after setbacks
18. Perseverance/Grit
19. Conscientiousness
20. Kindness towards self
21. Not being distracted while pursuing personal and professional goals
22. Engaged and focussed on task at hand
23. Sharing my true self with the world around me
24. Strengthening my role as a son
25. Strengthening my role as a brother to Anusha
26. Strengthening my role as a close friend to Vishvesh/Shrikanth/Anush
27. Strengthening my role as a coworker
28. Being tenacious in my pursuit of strength/fitness/conditioning
29. Being tenacious in my pursuit of being full-stack
30. Providing quality in my work
31. Establishing competence in my field
32. Staying active
33. Being dependable
34. Being reliable
35. Working as part of a team
36. Sense of humour
37. Sense of responsibility
38. Being considerate of others
39. Being considerate of myself
40. Being kind to others while providing criticism
41. Taking care of myself
42. Loving others
43. Being loved by others
44. Being challenged; overcoming challenges
45. Developing emotional maturity
46. Experiencing fatherhood
47. Establishing a partnership w/someone
48. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles
49. Physical health
50. Physical beauty
51. Physical pleasure
52. Sexual intimacy
53. Sexual contact
54. Feeling sexually desired
55. Feeling appreciated
56. Feeling masculine
57. Feeling attractive to women
58. Developing sustained friendships
59. Open-minded to the beliefs and values of others, tolerance
60. Sense of accomplishment
61. Feeling challenged
62. Communicating feelings
63. Building things
64. Improving my social interactions
65. Avoiding conflict
66. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
67. Financial stability
68. appreciation for music, art, film
69. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
70. Being a survivor
71. Companionship
72. Being identified by others as charming and warm
73. Developing patience
74. Feeling unconditional love
75. Having a positive influence on the people around me
76. Be known as truthful and honest
77. Accepting responsibility for living my life
78. Feeling happy and content

2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.

1. Lust
2. Escape stress
3. Objectification of women as objects of sexual desire
4. Emotional disconnect with women in general
5. Viewing sex as a physical act with sexual pleasure instead of acknowledging the emotional and intimacy aspect of it
6. Viewing women as sex objects that need to be dominated (to a certain extent)
7. Viewing attractive women as a prize
8. Using porn/masturbation as an outlet to escape a shitty life

PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 2:23 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3945
Location: UK
This recovery workshop really is kicking my ass and getting me to think about myself and my thoughts, actions and mindset

thinking is one thing and that is a positive
actioning is what is required in recovery

remember that this community is there for all that deserve support

deserve it for you it really is the best way forwards

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

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